When the Parents Change, Everything Changes: Seismic Shifts in Children’s Behaviour

by Paul Dix

Your behaviour is the only behaviour over which you have absolute control. To change your children's behaviour, you first need to change your own. The culture of any home is determined by the parents. If you can remain unflappably calm in the face of every supermarket tantrum and sarcastic eye-roll, order will soon follow. Here, Paul Dix - Britain's leading children's behaviour expert - reveals how to build a culture of calm consistency into your home, starting today. He explains how you really can maintain a sense of Zen-like serenity in the face of even the most chaotic behaviour, from school-gate screaming matches to mealtime childmageddon. And he offers a set of simple strategies for coolly getting the behaviour you want - without a barked instruction, deranged punishment or cold, hard cash-bribe in sight. His tried-and-tested method will change what your child does by first changing what you do. You will never need to raise your voice again.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

208 pages, Hardcover

Published September 5, 2023

Reviews

[Alžběta · Rating 5 out of 5]

Paul Dix's "When the Parents Change, Everything Changes" isn't marketed as a gentle/respectful parenting book, but I think it perfectly summarises the main ideas behind the philosophy of raising children with respect and kindness without losing sight of your own needs.
I most appreciated how practical the book is and how much the author focuses on providing solutions for real-life situations and issues parents face daily.
Overall, "When the Parents Change, Everything Changes" is an extremely practical and down-to-earth book full of ideas and suggestions for real-life scenarios and the usual challenges of parenting. Thank you, Paul.

[Nikola · Rating 1 out of 5]

Wszystko bardzo suche, szkolne. Pełne reguł.
Wprowadzaj zasady i przypominaj o nich codziennie. Wprowadzaj rutyny i omawiaj je codziennie. Daj 10 komplementów dziennie. Przecież to idzie zwariować. „Powieś zasady korzystania z toalety, gdy twój syn ma problemy z celowaniem”. Co? Serio trzeba się tak rozdrabniać? Nie wystarczy systematycznie uczyć dziecko, gdy jest w stosownym wieku, że każdy domownik z szacunku do pracy innych sprząta po sobie?
Może warto też nauczyć dziecko, że ludzie mają emocje, i to naturalne, a nie obsesyjnie je ukrywać. Możesz powiedzieć wprost „jestem teraz zdenerwowana muszę ochłonąć porozmawiamy na spokojnie później”, a nie robić z tego jakąś wielka grę psychologiczną, gdzie nie może ci nawet drgnąć powieka.
Nie rozumiem też tego sposobu z mówieniem „tutaj panują takie zasady”. Może i byłoby to fajne, gdyby używać tego do kilku podstawowych rzeczy, w których nigdy nie idziemy na ustępstwa typu: pasy muszą być zapięte, masz założyć kask. Ale używanie tego w 150 różnych sytuacjach jest dziwne. Nawet gdy dajesz dziecku komplement, bo robiło coś miłego np. Dziękuję, że pomogłeś babci tutaj panują takie zasady. Przecież to absurdalne.
Autor książki piszę dla rodziców, ale z perspektywy pedagoga, nauczyciela a to zupełnie inna rola.
Co ciekawe, jest tu praktycznie zero treści o wspólnym wychowywaniu dzieci przez obu rodziców. Zawsze jest nacisk, że to jeden z nich powinien coś robić.
Zastanawia mnie też fakt, że autor nieustannie do przykładów zachowań wykorzystuje swoich dawnych uczniów. Szukałam w książce informacji o tym, czy ich dane zostały zmienione, ale nic takiego nie znalazłam. Do zachowań swoich dzieci nie odwołał się prawie wcale być może dlatego, że pomyślał, że mogą sobie tego nie życzyć.

[Tessa · Rating 2 out of 5]

If you identify as an angry authoritarian parent, this could be a good book for you.

However, the book feels like it was written without much research or forethough, purely based on experience. The author sources from his experience as a teacher and as a parent. If the author would have given more personal examples (fully leaning into the anecdotal) or linked examples to research in best practice, I might have appreciated the book more. Instead it came across as a bit preachery.

[Natalie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This does have some good advice in it and things I will definitely try but it also felt a bit of an idealistic solution that would not always work. Too many alternative outcomes to having a mature non judgmental chat with your child. I might read it again and review my rating if needs be.

[Ar17 Mub · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed my life, i have changed after reading the book, i even heard my kids discussing how different I’ve become, i read it twice, now im reading it again slowly this time, trying to apply the advices i am learning from it.

[Yhana Lucas · Rating 4 out of 5]

it's a good read, simple and worthwhile. a bit pompous at times but might just be my bias impacting.
the no shouting household (at all not just none for disciplining) recommendation is harder on the primary carer of young kids who face more of the "muummm where's my..." questions though.

[Flora · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every parent must read this!!
Excellent for school educators too. A must read when thinking about behaviour for your school.

[Yuriy Adamchuk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best parenting book I’ve ever read

[Karolina Lemel · Rating 5 out of 5]

bardzo dobry poradnik, dużo praktycznych przykładów i wskazówek, prosty przystępny język, dobrze się czyta

[Vinka Maharani · Rating 3 out of 5]

Being a parent is a journey. Unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all map to accompany it. So the uncertainties are the only certain thing in it. What can we do, then? Paul Dix told the readers, there are things you can do. And when you've done it, you don't have to overthink and linger to bad thoughts, that you're a terrible parent. If I could summarise it short: be an emotionally regulated adult; set the values, rules and expectations; be consistent. Over time, it will drip, drip, drip, to your child.

Speaking from his experiences as a teacher, I find the method is okay but the application will be a bit dreamy and implausible. I agreed with being an emotionally regulated adult. Still, the explanation and description given were rigid and did not give the adult/parent the tools to 'feel' and understand the emotion they have. It's blurred if emotionally regulated means unfazed or being robotic.

If you're feeling helpless and think of many approaches you tried to teach your child 'what it should be', this book suits you.

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