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Grown-Up Marriage: What We Know, Wish We Had Known, and Still Need to Know About Being Married
Although marriage is for grown-ups, very few of us are grown up when we marry. Here, the bestselling author of Suddenly Sixty and Necessary Losses presents her life-affirming perspective on the joys, heartaches, difficulties, and possibilities of a grown-up marriage -- and no, that's not an oxymoron!
Featuring interviews with married women and men, the findings of couples therapists, the truths offered by literature and movies, and a bemused exploration of her own marriage, Judith Viorst illuminates the issues couples struggle with from "I do" through "till death do us part." Examining marital rivalry, marital manners, marital sex (extramarital, too), marital fighting and apologies, what kids do for (and to) marriage, and the boredom and bliss of everyday married life, Viorst leaves no marital stone unturned. From the early years when we wonder "Who is this person?" and "What am I doing here?" to the realities of divorce, remarriage, and growing older (and old) together, Viorst offers insights and advice with honesty, humanity, and humor -- all the while recognizing how tough it is to be married and, when it works, how very precious it can be.
Featuring interviews with married women and men, the findings of couples therapists, the truths offered by literature and movies, and a bemused exploration of her own marriage, Judith Viorst illuminates the issues couples struggle with from "I do" through "till death do us part." Examining marital rivalry, marital manners, marital sex (extramarital, too), marital fighting and apologies, what kids do for (and to) marriage, and the boredom and bliss of everyday married life, Viorst leaves no marital stone unturned. From the early years when we wonder "Who is this person?" and "What am I doing here?" to the realities of divorce, remarriage, and growing older (and old) together, Viorst offers insights and advice with honesty, humanity, and humor -- all the while recognizing how tough it is to be married and, when it works, how very precious it can be.
304 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2002
22 people are currently reading
231 people want to read
About the author
Judith Viorst
118 books807 followersJudith Viorst is an American writer, newspaper journalist, and psychoanalysis researcher. She is known for her humorous observational poetry and for her children's literature. This includes The Tenth Good Thing About Barney (about the death of a pet) and the Alexander series of short picture books, which includes Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (1972), which has sold over two million copies.
Viorst is a 1952 graduate of the Newark College of Arts and Sciences at Rutgers University in Newark, New Jersey. In 1968, she signed the "Writers and Editors War Tax Protest" pledge, vowing to refuse tax payments in protest against the Vietnam War. In the latter part of the 1970s, after two decades of writing for children and adults, Viorst turned to the study of Freudian psychology. In 1981, she became a research graduate at Washington Psychoanalytic Institute after six years of study.
Viorst is a 1952 graduate of the Newark College of Arts and Sciences at Rutgers University in Newark, New Jersey. In 1968, she signed the "Writers and Editors War Tax Protest" pledge, vowing to refuse tax payments in protest against the Vietnam War. In the latter part of the 1970s, after two decades of writing for children and adults, Viorst turned to the study of Freudian psychology. In 1981, she became a research graduate at Washington Psychoanalytic Institute after six years of study.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 34 reviews
August 5, 2007
I wanted to like this book (I admit, because I like the title of this book), but Judith Viorst writes in the strangest way, I found it difficult. She rambles, goes off on tangents, she talks about poetry and literature a lot, and generally loses me. I read the whole book, but now I can't remember anything that it actually said. The title is better than the content - which is a bad sign for a book.
January 28, 2008
My mom gave this book to my husband and me when we were engaged. She thought it was so important and the lessons so valuable that we each got our own copies - and good thing, since I highlighted the heck out of mine! She was right - it is a wonderful book about marriage and relationships, and it's now my go-to gift for all my soon-to-be married friends.
May 28, 2010
I like Judith Viorst (Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day, Alexander and the Wonderful Marvelous Excellent Terrific Ninety Days), and this book promised an overview of marriage as a cultural phenomenon. It isn't, though. It's a little bit of Viorst commenting on her own marriage and a little bit of her talking with therapists and other couples and a little bit of her reading a lot of books on marriage and a little of her own poetry and stories about marriage. I dipped in and out of it, and can't say I learned much new.
August 9, 2020
I've been married 27 years and I'd like to think that my husband and I have an almost grown up marriage. I recognized some things from the early chapters as what was happening to us maybe 15 to 25 years ago. Fortunately, I learned those lessons without the benefits of this book.
Some of the lessons Viorst teaches are obvious. I read the growing old together section with the most interest, though most of those lessons I have already started to learn.
I got the most insights from the middle section, the sections on war within the marriage. Some of the rules Viorst gives are very, very good and were new to me.
I liked this book, not so much for the advice (though it was mostly good), but for the portraits of marriages. Some marriages are like mine. Other marriages have elements of my marriage.
I'm not sure if this book could save a marriage.
Some of the lessons Viorst teaches are obvious. I read the growing old together section with the most interest, though most of those lessons I have already started to learn.
I got the most insights from the middle section, the sections on war within the marriage. Some of the rules Viorst gives are very, very good and were new to me.
I liked this book, not so much for the advice (though it was mostly good), but for the portraits of marriages. Some marriages are like mine. Other marriages have elements of my marriage.
I'm not sure if this book could save a marriage.
August 29, 2011
After nineteen years of marriage, I'm convinced that we've done something right. But, and this is a big qualifier, I do recognize that a marriage is something that both need to work at, 'til death do us part. When you become complacent and start taking each other for granted, things can start to derail. By reading this and other books about marriage, I hope that I can continue to remind myself of the importance of nurturing our relationship.
This is a quick read (I actually read this over the course of two days, with more than a week of traveling in between them) and I think that most married couples could benefit from this sage wisdom, advice, and anecdotes.
I have really enjoyed reading Judith Viorst's books - they are candid, refreshing and sincere - and I will certainly look for more at our local library.
interesting quotes:
"There's you and you, and then there's this third thing
Which is the marriage. To it may you bring
The finest strivings of the human heart.
The "I," the "me," the "mine," the self apart
Must yield some portion of its separateness
And say a risky but unguarded yes
To this third thing, this marriage you create..." (p. 26)
"'Any marriage worthy of the name,' writes psychiatrist Peter D. Kramer in Should You Leave?: A Psychiatrist Explores Intimacy and Autonomy--and the Nature of Advice, 'entails repeated remarriage' --to the same partner--'active choices to stay on in the face of new perspectives on self and spouse.' It also entails the brave, hard work of tranforming these new, and sometimes shocking, perspectives into something expansive and creative, into an opportunity for a husband and wife--and a marriage--to grow up." (p. 46)
"Although we can't, in the midst of a fight, imagine why we married such a rejecting, demanding, selfish, insensitive, critical, domineering, withholding person, chances are that we'll think of a reason later." (p. 170)
[regarding fighting] "...Reach out a hand and say to each other, 'Life is short. We have no days to spare. Let's make up.'" (p. 182)
"The more grown up we are...the better aware we'll be of our good fortune in finding someone to have and to hold, and the harder we'll work to nourish and keep what we've found." (p. 231)
"No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century." Mark Twain (p. 233)
"Erikson's study of couples who have grown old together has found that most of the husbands and wives describe 'marriages of lifelong mutual affection, supportiveness, understanding, companionship, and ever-increasing appreciation.' However, when he checked his files, he was startled to discover that some of these very same husbands and wives had--several decades earlier--complained at length about their marital difficulties. Perhaps, Erikson speculates, they prefer to believe, and do believe today, that they were 'devoted from the very beginning.' Perhaps their later-life intimacy has transcended and colored their earlier marital history, allowing them to forget past discontents and recall only a 'long lifetime of marital satisfaction.'" (pp. 250-251)
"Married for decades, she knows, as all of us long-time marrieds know, what it takes to stay married and why it's worth the effort. Not perfect love, and no bed of roses, marriage can nonetheless be the best place to be as we grow older together." (p. 253)
"Says Mrs. Antrobus in Thorton Wilder's The Skin of Our Teeth, 'I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage....And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them--it was that promise.' The promise we make to each other is that we'll protect and preserve our marriage, that we'll feed and watch over our marriage, that we'll defend it against attacks--even our own. The promise we make to each other, and to ourselves, is that our marriage will endure." (pp. 256-257)
"In our efforts to stay married through the disenchantments of couplehood, through the disarrays of parenthood, through the rut and routine of everyday married life, we might try to embrace and enjoy domestic dailiness. Through marriage's 'soars and slumps,' we might try to discover a few sonnets at the supermarket. And when romantic passion succumbs, as it must, to the mundane, we might consciously choose to see married love not merely as what we possess at the start of our marriage, but as a heroic adventure, a magnificent accomplishment that we strive to achieve together over the years." (p. 258)
"The lengths we go to to stay married might include attempting to live by the following precepts, which tend to be more heroic (and a hell of a lot more difficult) than they may sound: Try to be nice to each other even if you don't particularly feel like it. Try to give to each other without being asked. Remember that, like charity, courtesy and charm begin at home. Offer a little more praise and a lot less criticism that you think your spouse deserves. Honor each other's goodwill and good intentions, even when you don't get what you need. Don't expect to get all that you need from each other. Figure out how intimate you can be without suffocation and how separate you can be without alienation. When possible, laugh. When possible, say yes to having sex--with the husband or wife to whom you are married. Keep in mind that fidelity is not in the lap of the gods but a choice that you consciously make, again and again. Compromise. Compromise some more." (pp. 258-259)
"Being happily married means hanging out with each other and never--well, hardly ever--being bored with each other. It means knowing each other well enough to know what lies within the other's heart, and trusting each other deeply enough to, sooner or later, allow ourselves to be known. It means, as one wife told me, 'being loved and valued by the person we married for what we love and value in ourselves.'" (p. 261)
This is a quick read (I actually read this over the course of two days, with more than a week of traveling in between them) and I think that most married couples could benefit from this sage wisdom, advice, and anecdotes.
I have really enjoyed reading Judith Viorst's books - they are candid, refreshing and sincere - and I will certainly look for more at our local library.
interesting quotes:
"There's you and you, and then there's this third thing
Which is the marriage. To it may you bring
The finest strivings of the human heart.
The "I," the "me," the "mine," the self apart
Must yield some portion of its separateness
And say a risky but unguarded yes
To this third thing, this marriage you create..." (p. 26)
"'Any marriage worthy of the name,' writes psychiatrist Peter D. Kramer in Should You Leave?: A Psychiatrist Explores Intimacy and Autonomy--and the Nature of Advice, 'entails repeated remarriage' --to the same partner--'active choices to stay on in the face of new perspectives on self and spouse.' It also entails the brave, hard work of tranforming these new, and sometimes shocking, perspectives into something expansive and creative, into an opportunity for a husband and wife--and a marriage--to grow up." (p. 46)
"Although we can't, in the midst of a fight, imagine why we married such a rejecting, demanding, selfish, insensitive, critical, domineering, withholding person, chances are that we'll think of a reason later." (p. 170)
[regarding fighting] "...Reach out a hand and say to each other, 'Life is short. We have no days to spare. Let's make up.'" (p. 182)
"The more grown up we are...the better aware we'll be of our good fortune in finding someone to have and to hold, and the harder we'll work to nourish and keep what we've found." (p. 231)
"No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century." Mark Twain (p. 233)
"Erikson's study of couples who have grown old together has found that most of the husbands and wives describe 'marriages of lifelong mutual affection, supportiveness, understanding, companionship, and ever-increasing appreciation.' However, when he checked his files, he was startled to discover that some of these very same husbands and wives had--several decades earlier--complained at length about their marital difficulties. Perhaps, Erikson speculates, they prefer to believe, and do believe today, that they were 'devoted from the very beginning.' Perhaps their later-life intimacy has transcended and colored their earlier marital history, allowing them to forget past discontents and recall only a 'long lifetime of marital satisfaction.'" (pp. 250-251)
"Married for decades, she knows, as all of us long-time marrieds know, what it takes to stay married and why it's worth the effort. Not perfect love, and no bed of roses, marriage can nonetheless be the best place to be as we grow older together." (p. 253)
"Says Mrs. Antrobus in Thorton Wilder's The Skin of Our Teeth, 'I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage....And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them--it was that promise.' The promise we make to each other is that we'll protect and preserve our marriage, that we'll feed and watch over our marriage, that we'll defend it against attacks--even our own. The promise we make to each other, and to ourselves, is that our marriage will endure." (pp. 256-257)
"In our efforts to stay married through the disenchantments of couplehood, through the disarrays of parenthood, through the rut and routine of everyday married life, we might try to embrace and enjoy domestic dailiness. Through marriage's 'soars and slumps,' we might try to discover a few sonnets at the supermarket. And when romantic passion succumbs, as it must, to the mundane, we might consciously choose to see married love not merely as what we possess at the start of our marriage, but as a heroic adventure, a magnificent accomplishment that we strive to achieve together over the years." (p. 258)
"The lengths we go to to stay married might include attempting to live by the following precepts, which tend to be more heroic (and a hell of a lot more difficult) than they may sound: Try to be nice to each other even if you don't particularly feel like it. Try to give to each other without being asked. Remember that, like charity, courtesy and charm begin at home. Offer a little more praise and a lot less criticism that you think your spouse deserves. Honor each other's goodwill and good intentions, even when you don't get what you need. Don't expect to get all that you need from each other. Figure out how intimate you can be without suffocation and how separate you can be without alienation. When possible, laugh. When possible, say yes to having sex--with the husband or wife to whom you are married. Keep in mind that fidelity is not in the lap of the gods but a choice that you consciously make, again and again. Compromise. Compromise some more." (pp. 258-259)
"Being happily married means hanging out with each other and never--well, hardly ever--being bored with each other. It means knowing each other well enough to know what lies within the other's heart, and trusting each other deeply enough to, sooner or later, allow ourselves to be known. It means, as one wife told me, 'being loved and valued by the person we married for what we love and value in ourselves.'" (p. 261)
November 10, 2022
an amazing book
My wife and I read it separately and then discussed each chapter. Very useful. Normalizing, perspective granting, wisdom providing. An extraordinary book for anyone who’s married and wants to stay that way and be happy as well.
My wife and I read it separately and then discussed each chapter. Very useful. Normalizing, perspective granting, wisdom providing. An extraordinary book for anyone who’s married and wants to stay that way and be happy as well.
June 14, 2018
Someone gave this to me for a bridal shower gift, I think, but it sat on my to-read shelves for the past 8 years until I picked it up almost at random last month. I'm actually pretty glad I didn't read it prior to getting married or even in the first few years of my marriage, as I found the tone of much of it quite dismal and depressing and focused on unhappy people.
On the bright side, I appreciate my own marriage and husband even more now that I've finished the book! Perhaps it's a generational thing, since Viorst is substantially older than I am, or maybe her intended audience is the generation younger than I, who might be getting married before they've figured out who they are and what they want? Really, though, there aren't a whole lot of earth-shattering revelations. Much of the book boils down to:
1) Choose your life partner very carefully (I personally recommend eHarmony!)
2) Communicate honestly, kindly, and frequently
3) Treat each other with respect
4) Don't cheat on your spouse and expect anyone to feel good about it
5) Really, just don't cheat on your spouse
6) Maintain your sex life (with your own spouse--see #5)
7) Have fun together because those memories will help sustain you through the rough patches
8) Everything will change all the time as you move through the stages of life, so expect continual adjustments and plan to do the hard work of making them in concert with your spouse.
I don't want to give the impression that I hated the book--it wasn't awful, it just wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped. Clearly there are plenty of other reviewers for whom it clicked. Maybe they recognized themselves in some of the couples or situations, maybe they had some "Aha!" moments while reading one or more sections, or maybe they just read it at exactly the right moment in their lives. That's great! I will donate my copy to the Friends of the Library for a book sale so perhaps it'll make its way to someone who'll get that kind of benefit from it.
On the bright side, I appreciate my own marriage and husband even more now that I've finished the book! Perhaps it's a generational thing, since Viorst is substantially older than I am, or maybe her intended audience is the generation younger than I, who might be getting married before they've figured out who they are and what they want? Really, though, there aren't a whole lot of earth-shattering revelations. Much of the book boils down to:
1) Choose your life partner very carefully (I personally recommend eHarmony!)
2) Communicate honestly, kindly, and frequently
3) Treat each other with respect
4) Don't cheat on your spouse and expect anyone to feel good about it
5) Really, just don't cheat on your spouse
6) Maintain your sex life (with your own spouse--see #5)
7) Have fun together because those memories will help sustain you through the rough patches
8) Everything will change all the time as you move through the stages of life, so expect continual adjustments and plan to do the hard work of making them in concert with your spouse.
I don't want to give the impression that I hated the book--it wasn't awful, it just wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped. Clearly there are plenty of other reviewers for whom it clicked. Maybe they recognized themselves in some of the couples or situations, maybe they had some "Aha!" moments while reading one or more sections, or maybe they just read it at exactly the right moment in their lives. That's great! I will donate my copy to the Friends of the Library for a book sale so perhaps it'll make its way to someone who'll get that kind of benefit from it.
October 8, 2013
While I agree w other reviewers that some of the notions (especially toward the beginning) are outdated, the author recognizes that, and it's part of her story- to explain thinking from her generation (while acknowledging how times have changed). However, as a divorcee and someone who has subsequently been married over 40 years, as well as having had a couple sets of in-laws and being a mother-in-law and grandparent, she has the experience to give thoughtful advice and perspective from many angles.
The author of famous children's books, she makes the book accessible and relatable. She is not pigeon-holing her audience to married couples, but anyone who is in a relationship. She owns up to mistakes she has made and continues to make- from all of her roles, past and present, and from opposite ends of the same stick. Instead of platitudes, she offers multiple examples from real people and patients of marriage therapists. Instead of a couple reasons for pitfalls, she offers many well thought through causes. Some "rules" or tips seem like they do not apply to you, until she spells out exactly how common dialogues or actions we're all familiar with actually do precipitate or exemplify problems. It elevates you out of denial. You recognize yourself and couples you know in her vignettes, learning how inappropriate you are, while also how normal you are.
I agree with other reviewers that the most profound chapters are: 6. Marital Sibling Rivalry, 7. Married sex, 8. Making war, Making Do, 9. The Divorce Option, and 10. Marrying again. It was extremely validating for me about why my own marriage ended, and helped me further understand, process, and articulate that stuff. And it made me feel more secure in my decision to most likely not marry again. I've been in a relationship for four years now and serendipity allowed this book to find me at a used book sale at a fall festival and now my partner has agreed to read it as well. Yay! I feel more 'grown-up' already!
The author of famous children's books, she makes the book accessible and relatable. She is not pigeon-holing her audience to married couples, but anyone who is in a relationship. She owns up to mistakes she has made and continues to make- from all of her roles, past and present, and from opposite ends of the same stick. Instead of platitudes, she offers multiple examples from real people and patients of marriage therapists. Instead of a couple reasons for pitfalls, she offers many well thought through causes. Some "rules" or tips seem like they do not apply to you, until she spells out exactly how common dialogues or actions we're all familiar with actually do precipitate or exemplify problems. It elevates you out of denial. You recognize yourself and couples you know in her vignettes, learning how inappropriate you are, while also how normal you are.
I agree with other reviewers that the most profound chapters are: 6. Marital Sibling Rivalry, 7. Married sex, 8. Making war, Making Do, 9. The Divorce Option, and 10. Marrying again. It was extremely validating for me about why my own marriage ended, and helped me further understand, process, and articulate that stuff. And it made me feel more secure in my decision to most likely not marry again. I've been in a relationship for four years now and serendipity allowed this book to find me at a used book sale at a fall festival and now my partner has agreed to read it as well. Yay! I feel more 'grown-up' already!
November 27, 2013
Anyone who is married, might one day be married, is considering marriage, or is engaged to be married ought to relate to the stories, problems, joys, frustrations, and realizations of the real life people who author, Judith Viorst interviewed. This is readable and real with a wonderful balance and breadth of information about marriage and--more importantly--and understanding of what a grown-up marriage is and tools to achieve that optimum state. Besides case studies, Judith Viorst has the credentials and the research to back up what she says. She also shares candidly her own experiences--warts and all, as the old saying goes. I'm buying one as a Christmas gift!
November 7, 2013
Meh - found a recommendation on a blog I really liked. I guess if I was younger this would be a good revelation for me, but basically it's a long book that says relationships are sometimes hard and people need to be intentional about them. Nothing that rocked my world or challenged my thoughts. Not terrible, just not amazing like I was expecting. I think I was most disappointed because it was all observations but no recommendations for actions.
Read
January 15, 2009An interesting book. This isn't a how to ...but a realistic look at what a grown up marriage should look like and the many pitfalls that exist. It really doesn't offer any answers or fixes, but definately gives you food for thought.
August 29, 2011
Lots of good simple advice, although a few bits are rather antiquated, and some of the later chapters weren't personally relevant for me--how to deal with retirement and so forth--though interesting to know what's ahead.
May 14, 2013
The writing style is hard to follow. Heavy on fluff, light on content, and a rambling, preachy way of writing which didn't prioritize substance. I wish there was more research and less random, distracting poetry.
January 3, 2017
I've started observing that a lot of the intellectuals who wrote the best children's books of the 1990s also wrote excellent work for grown ups. Viorst is a great example. Much to be savored and learned here. Sort of owners manual for a relationship, a dry funny one.
May 19, 2007
i found it very relevant. normalizes the bumps that come up. gave me a new perspective (i.e., that i'm not right ALL the time) :) well-written, interesting, entertaining.
September 16, 2013
Good advice until Viorst talks about cheating like its just one of those things we all do. Put it down shortly after that; don't plan on picking it back up.
January 11, 2022
As a married of nearly 15 years, it was a nice fresh perspective.
October 1, 2025
I got about 100 pages into this book but then decided not to finish it. Judith offers some good insights into what marriage life is like (especially as she herself has been married twice and divorced once, like she writes in this book), but her writing style in this is a bit chaotic, making it difficult to follow sometimes. She goes off on tangents and tells many short stories throughout of other couples and their experiences. There must be better books out there on marriage than this one.
August 10, 2017
Fantastic book. I've developed such an appreciation for Judith Viorst, and the topic of this book was perfectly on point for me. A delight!
February 3, 2008
eh... she has some good stuff to say, but she's not writing for my generation. If young marrieds are her targeted audience, I think she's missing the boat. My mom thought she was right on, though.
Not quite what I expected from the genius behind Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
Not quite what I expected from the genius behind Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
April 16, 2011
I learned a lot from this book by Judith Viorst, who is so well-loved as a chilren's writer. It is full of the wisdom of her many years of marriage and motherhood, and had a lot of surprises. I gained the most for the final chapters on long-term marriages and growing up and older together. It has a lot for all stages of life.
June 1, 2007
Self help and children's books go hand-in-hand (in a good way), so I was interested in this book by the author of "Alexander and the no good very bad horrible decrepid [sic] day." Good book for putting trivial concerns into perspective, not much else.
November 4, 2013
I'm with the reviewer who thought the title was promising but was disappointed with the book. Of all the fluffy self-help books I waste my time with, this one's the fluffiest. I don't think she says anything, at all.
Currently reading
July 14, 2012I received this as a wedding gift, opened it up, and found it to be not a self-help book as a very interesting examination of the reasons why people get married, the benefits of marriage, the unique qualities of marriage compared to other human relationships...I really like this so far.
July 8, 2015
Assumes that infidelity is routine part of healthy, long-term marriages. Not something that I think many books about "grown-up marriage" would argue these days. Made it seem a little dated to its 1970's / "Ice Storm" / key party-era publication date.
Read
May 4, 2007I'm not married (and don't really plan on it), but my mom bought me this because she thought it would be funny, and because I loved Viorst's kid's books when I was little.
June 12, 2007
i read this one when we started to talk about becoming engaged. it was interesting and funny if not overly helpful.
June 3, 2008
Essays for a married audience. Good writing. Not a self-help book.
September 20, 2009
Best book on relationships I have come across. Clear and positive.
January 16, 2011
Though not written by a professional, she provided a number of excellent insights and things to think about.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 34 reviews