What do you think?
Rate this book
As Long as I Know You: The Mom Book
Writer Pam Houston once summed it up: "Nice mother-daughter stories are a dime a dozen; pain-in-the-ass mother-daughter stories are the ones that grab us." As Long as I Know You is a compelling read for any adult grappling with a living elder who might also be a pain in the ass, particularly, any reader who wants a tender take on the lethal combination of dementia and defiance.
As Long as I Know You narrates Anne-Marie Oomen's journey to finally knowing her mother as well as the heartbreaking loss of her mother's immense capacities. It explores how humor and compassion grow belatedly between a mother and daughter who don't much like each other. It's a personal map to find a mother who may have been there all along, then losing her again in the time of Covid. As the millions of women like Oomen's mother reach their elder years and become the "oldest of the old," their millions of daughters (and sometimes sons) must come on board, involved in care they may welcome the way they'd welcome hitting a pothole the size of a semi. How a family makes decisions about that pothole, how care continues or does not, how possessions are addressed--really, no one wants the crockpot--and how the relationship shifts and evolves (or not), that story is universal.
As Long as I Know You narrates Anne-Marie Oomen's journey to finally knowing her mother as well as the heartbreaking loss of her mother's immense capacities. It explores how humor and compassion grow belatedly between a mother and daughter who don't much like each other. It's a personal map to find a mother who may have been there all along, then losing her again in the time of Covid. As the millions of women like Oomen's mother reach their elder years and become the "oldest of the old," their millions of daughters (and sometimes sons) must come on board, involved in care they may welcome the way they'd welcome hitting a pothole the size of a semi. How a family makes decisions about that pothole, how care continues or does not, how possessions are addressed--really, no one wants the crockpot--and how the relationship shifts and evolves (or not), that story is universal.
208 pages, Paperback
Published September 15, 2022
1 person is currently reading
67 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
November 6, 2022
A subtle story told in a riveting way. Compellingly honest and built with a multitude of beautifully rendered, microscopic observations fused together and reborn as art. I loved this book. Strongly recommend a slow read to fully appreciate what’s before you.
November 14, 2022
When author Anne-Marie Oomen’s mother was diagnosed with dementia and in need of more care, she was forced to confront her angst-ridden relationship with a mother whom she hadn’t much liked for most of her life. AS LONG AS I KNOW YOU; THE MOM BOOK recounts the struggle to help a mother who doesn’t want help by a daughter who would rather not. The result is a poetic, emotionally charged reckoning between mother and daughter, a year in which both women come to terms with their short-comings and resentments and develop a new kind of relationship.
When Oomen’s mother breaks her foot and it doesn’t heal properly, it sets the family on a new path – they must place their mother in a nursing home. On top of the physical issues, her mother also has Alzheimer’s. Her needs have become too overwhelming for the assisted living facility where she has lived. Oomen, as the eldest daughter, along with a sister Marijo, have power-of-attorney over their mother’s health care and she has signed an advanced directive that she should be given comfort care only. But what does that really mean to her mother, Oomen wonders? She asks her “Can you tell me what makes life worth living for you?” And her mother answers, “As long as I know you.” Her mother expresses that the most important thing to her is her relationship with her children and that if she ever got to a place where she did not recognize them, life would not be worth living.
Oomen learns as she goes. One day, in the facility where her mother lives, she witnesses another mother asking her daughter who she is – she does not recognize her own daughter any longer. But the daughter, patiently, lovingly, without regard to her own loss, asks her mother, “Who are you?” and answers for her, “You are Elizabeth and you are my mother.” Oomen writes,
“Today, I watched another adult daughter love her elder mother better than I imagined possible. I saw what a daughter could do, how a daughter might see the real question, might set aside her own need to be seen. I saw how it could be done, how a mother who had lost herself could be given back at least her name, led out of the desert of loss.”
There are many moments in AS LONG AS I KNOW YOU, that will be familiar to anyone who has been a caregiver of an elderly parent – the power struggles, the heart-wrenching decision making, and the unabashed tenderness and expressions of love that are unbound as a loved one faces the end.
As she cares for her mother, Oomen’s former anger, resentment, and frustration with her mother abate. She embraces her mother, and the time they have left, and in doing so, she saves herself.
This is Lin Salisbury with Superior Reviews. Listen to my author interviews on the fourth Thursday of every month at 7:00 pm on Superior Reads, WTIP Radio, 90.7 Grand Marais, or stream it from the web at www.wtip.org.
When Oomen’s mother breaks her foot and it doesn’t heal properly, it sets the family on a new path – they must place their mother in a nursing home. On top of the physical issues, her mother also has Alzheimer’s. Her needs have become too overwhelming for the assisted living facility where she has lived. Oomen, as the eldest daughter, along with a sister Marijo, have power-of-attorney over their mother’s health care and she has signed an advanced directive that she should be given comfort care only. But what does that really mean to her mother, Oomen wonders? She asks her “Can you tell me what makes life worth living for you?” And her mother answers, “As long as I know you.” Her mother expresses that the most important thing to her is her relationship with her children and that if she ever got to a place where she did not recognize them, life would not be worth living.
Oomen learns as she goes. One day, in the facility where her mother lives, she witnesses another mother asking her daughter who she is – she does not recognize her own daughter any longer. But the daughter, patiently, lovingly, without regard to her own loss, asks her mother, “Who are you?” and answers for her, “You are Elizabeth and you are my mother.” Oomen writes,
“Today, I watched another adult daughter love her elder mother better than I imagined possible. I saw what a daughter could do, how a daughter might see the real question, might set aside her own need to be seen. I saw how it could be done, how a mother who had lost herself could be given back at least her name, led out of the desert of loss.”
There are many moments in AS LONG AS I KNOW YOU, that will be familiar to anyone who has been a caregiver of an elderly parent – the power struggles, the heart-wrenching decision making, and the unabashed tenderness and expressions of love that are unbound as a loved one faces the end.
As she cares for her mother, Oomen’s former anger, resentment, and frustration with her mother abate. She embraces her mother, and the time they have left, and in doing so, she saves herself.
This is Lin Salisbury with Superior Reviews. Listen to my author interviews on the fourth Thursday of every month at 7:00 pm on Superior Reads, WTIP Radio, 90.7 Grand Marais, or stream it from the web at www.wtip.org.
December 21, 2022
Beautifully written memoir about a woman's relationship with her mother. I was able to talk about it on Michigan Radio's Stateside. Here are the notes I took preparing for the radio moment:
I wonder if I’m the wrong person to talk about this book, even though I admire it completely. It is, afterall, a book about the troubled relationship between a mother and daughter. And then it becomes a very moving portrayal of the mother’s descent into Alzheimer’s. I am certainly not involved in the first issues, despite fathering a daughter and loving her mother. I have not had a parent live long enough to descent into Alzheimer’s, and Oomen’s mother lives to be 99, even as she becomes frail, and profoundly diminished.
Oomen has been one of the central writers in the Traverse City area for many years. She lived the literary life. She directed the writing program at Interlochen, started magazines and ran contests. But she grew up on an asparagus farm in Oceana County. Her brothers still run that farm. In many ways she is one who got away into a life her parents couldn’t imagine.
And her mother never let her forget it. She tried to control her wayward daughter far into adulthood – and it must be remembered that in this book the mother is nearing a hundred and the daughter is well into her sixties! We’re not talking post adolescent rebelliousness here!
But that begins to change when Oomen and her siblings must get more involved in her mother’s life as her mind begins to slip. As she becomes much more frail and begins to look into her own death. Oomen confronts these issues had on. Here’s an example P. 120.
And here is the link to the radio show. December 19, Stateside. My conversation about Michigan Books of the Year is right at the beginning:
https://www.michiganradio.org/show/st...
I wonder if I’m the wrong person to talk about this book, even though I admire it completely. It is, afterall, a book about the troubled relationship between a mother and daughter. And then it becomes a very moving portrayal of the mother’s descent into Alzheimer’s. I am certainly not involved in the first issues, despite fathering a daughter and loving her mother. I have not had a parent live long enough to descent into Alzheimer’s, and Oomen’s mother lives to be 99, even as she becomes frail, and profoundly diminished.
Oomen has been one of the central writers in the Traverse City area for many years. She lived the literary life. She directed the writing program at Interlochen, started magazines and ran contests. But she grew up on an asparagus farm in Oceana County. Her brothers still run that farm. In many ways she is one who got away into a life her parents couldn’t imagine.
And her mother never let her forget it. She tried to control her wayward daughter far into adulthood – and it must be remembered that in this book the mother is nearing a hundred and the daughter is well into her sixties! We’re not talking post adolescent rebelliousness here!
But that begins to change when Oomen and her siblings must get more involved in her mother’s life as her mind begins to slip. As she becomes much more frail and begins to look into her own death. Oomen confronts these issues had on. Here’s an example P. 120.
And here is the link to the radio show. December 19, Stateside. My conversation about Michigan Books of the Year is right at the beginning:
https://www.michiganradio.org/show/st...
August 13, 2025
Part memoir, part dream, but always an honest and profound elegy for a life slowly passing. Or rather a body fading, because our mothers never really leave us do they? This beautifully written book traces the past, present and future of a mother and her daughter from infancy through death. The story arc is contained in the tortured and tedious institutional final years of Oomen’s mother’s life but contained inside that is a whole trove of “Oomen’s “remedies” which she weaves together to make a quilt ( or in this case an afghan which horrifyingly goes temporarily missing) of the always complicated mother daughter relationship.
Oomen and her mother didn’t get along: two sharp tongued, strong -willed women who don’t do all that well under the same roof.
But Oomen returns to care for her mom as she descends into the hell of dementia/Alzheimer’s and there , in those long hours of driving and sitting and waiting and napping, finds a path back to her mother.
It’s a miracle, this book. It gave me words and feelings I had long buried from the journey with my own mother. A must read.
Oomen and her mother didn’t get along: two sharp tongued, strong -willed women who don’t do all that well under the same roof.
But Oomen returns to care for her mom as she descends into the hell of dementia/Alzheimer’s and there , in those long hours of driving and sitting and waiting and napping, finds a path back to her mother.
It’s a miracle, this book. It gave me words and feelings I had long buried from the journey with my own mother. A must read.
November 29, 2023
This book, written by my friend’s aunt (through marriage) was given to me to read as I just lost my father recently, and find myself in this stage of life…taking care of my mother!
This is a true story about a time in (probably) everyone’s life when the roles of life change, parents are no longer taking care of their children, adult children are now taking care of their elderly parents.
Everyone’s journey through this time varies due to the illnesses & care needed, but the reality of walking through this time is something we all must face!
I found this book a very interesting read. It was nice to hear the thoughts of another adult child walking through the journey I find myself walking through (although our care levels are being played out differently…at this time. But that’s the thing about this journey, one never knows where tomorrow will take you)!
This is a true story about a time in (probably) everyone’s life when the roles of life change, parents are no longer taking care of their children, adult children are now taking care of their elderly parents.
Everyone’s journey through this time varies due to the illnesses & care needed, but the reality of walking through this time is something we all must face!
I found this book a very interesting read. It was nice to hear the thoughts of another adult child walking through the journey I find myself walking through (although our care levels are being played out differently…at this time. But that’s the thing about this journey, one never knows where tomorrow will take you)!
June 25, 2025
This book is stunningly beautiful.
I cried throughout much of it - Especially at the end. Though I have a different (but challenging) mother as well - this whole book resonated with me. I, too, grew up the oldest daughter (of 4), Catholic, poor, on a small part time farm in Washtenaw County.
Though many of the authors experience were different, there was a similar thread, running through them that mirrored my own upbringing. Including running away to MSU and spending (contested) time in London studying Shakespeare. (How are you ever going to support yourself knowing that nonsense?)
Her memories, symbolism and metaphors are striking and so honest they hurt my heart.
I am buying this book for my sister who lives in South Carolina. I don’t want to give up my copy. And I can’t wait to hear her reactions. I know she will “get it“…
I cried throughout much of it - Especially at the end. Though I have a different (but challenging) mother as well - this whole book resonated with me. I, too, grew up the oldest daughter (of 4), Catholic, poor, on a small part time farm in Washtenaw County.
Though many of the authors experience were different, there was a similar thread, running through them that mirrored my own upbringing. Including running away to MSU and spending (contested) time in London studying Shakespeare. (How are you ever going to support yourself knowing that nonsense?)
Her memories, symbolism and metaphors are striking and so honest they hurt my heart.
I am buying this book for my sister who lives in South Carolina. I don’t want to give up my copy. And I can’t wait to hear her reactions. I know she will “get it“…
April 26, 2024
Oh, I loved this book so much. It broke my heart and put it back together again. When I finished it, I couldn’t talk about it for a while. I tried to tell my husband things I loved about it, and I’d start to cry and not be able to finish speaking. It is so honest and devastating and beautiful. For anyone wondering how to manage a difficult parent who is aging, or even just parent you wish you knew better (which, let’s face it, is a lot of people) this book is a must read. I feel hopeful about something I’ve always imagined would only be awful after reading this book, thanks to Oomen’s fierce yet patient treatment of the subject, told in her gorgeous prose. I really couldn’t put it down.
September 21, 2025
This was a serendipitous book to come across. While traveling found this in the local authors section, and as I’m walking through dementia with my mom made me know this was a must buy.
I liked the authors writing style, and appreciated her telling of the types of moments that aren’t usual dinner table conversation when people ask how you’re doing being a caregiver for someone with dementia. Her honesty was healing for me to read and put words to similar burdens I’ve carried so far in this journey.
Only reason I didn’t rate 5 was there were a few chapters towards the end where it felt like some of her imagery or metaphors were reaching and distracting from just telling the story.
Grateful that she invited us in and allows us to process through her story too.
I liked the authors writing style, and appreciated her telling of the types of moments that aren’t usual dinner table conversation when people ask how you’re doing being a caregiver for someone with dementia. Her honesty was healing for me to read and put words to similar burdens I’ve carried so far in this journey.
Only reason I didn’t rate 5 was there were a few chapters towards the end where it felt like some of her imagery or metaphors were reaching and distracting from just telling the story.
Grateful that she invited us in and allows us to process through her story too.
October 3, 2022
A truly wonderfully-written, touching story of a daughter trying to understand and connect with her mother before they no longer have a chance. I am now a huge fan of Anne-Marie Oomen. Her writing is so perceptive, beautiful and observational. I love how she finds big meanings in seemingly small things. She is a classic, natural writer, capable of saying so much in so little. This book is an absolute must-read.
November 3, 2022
Anne-Marie takes the common threads of a stressed mother-daughter relationship and weaves them into a story with uncommon grit, candor, wit and compassion. She reveals astounding tenacity in caring for her mother, as she unravels difficult memories to arrive at an understanding of herself, her mom and their complicated entanglement. There is beauty in the telling, like a sun rising through fog, adding layers of mystery and wonder at the way love can pierce the darkness.
May 8, 2023
Read for the FADL nonfiction book group. I believe the author is the niece of our friends Jan and Neil. This store actually makes me want to write about segments of my life, however, the book seemed disconnected from the reality I know about Dementia and how it progressed with my mom.
May 30, 2023
Fremont non-fiction May 2023
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews