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The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss
NPR SciFri Book Club Pick Next Big Idea Club 's "Top 21 Psychology Books of 2022" Behavioral Scientist Notable Books of 2022 A renowned grief expert and neuroscientist shares groundbreaking discoveries about what happens in our brain when we grieve, providing a new paradigm for understanding love, loss, and learning. In The Grieving Brain , neuroscientist and psychologist Mary-Frances O’Connor, PhD, gives us a fascinating new window into one of the hallmark experiences of being human. O’Connor has devoted decades to researching the effects of grief on the brain, and in this book, she makes cutting-edge neuroscience accessible through her contagious enthusiasm, and guides us through how we encode love and grief. With love, our neurons help us form attachments to others; but, with loss, our brain must come to terms with where our loved ones went, or how to imagine a future without them. The Grieving Brain Based on O’Connor’s own trailblazing neuroimaging work, research in the field, and her real-life stories, The Grieving Brain combines storytelling, accessible science, and practical knowledge that will help us better understand what happens when we grieve and how to navigate loss with more ease and grace.
256 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 2022
1866 people are currently reading
12558 people want to read
About the author
Mary-Frances O'Connor
4 books116 followersMary-Frances O'Connor is an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona, where she directs the Grief, Loss, and Social Stress (GLASS) Lab in investigating the effects of grief on the brain and the body.
O’Connor earned a doctorate from the University of Arizona in 2004 and completed a fellowship at UCLA. Following a faculty appointment at UCLA Cousins Center for Psychoneuroimmunology, she returned to the University of Arizona in 2012.
Her work has been published in the American Journal of Psychiatry, Biological Psychiatry, and Psychological Science, and featured in Newsweek, New York Times, and Washington Post.
Having grown up in Montana, she now lives in sunny Tucson, Arizona.
O’Connor earned a doctorate from the University of Arizona in 2004 and completed a fellowship at UCLA. Following a faculty appointment at UCLA Cousins Center for Psychoneuroimmunology, she returned to the University of Arizona in 2012.
Her work has been published in the American Journal of Psychiatry, Biological Psychiatry, and Psychological Science, and featured in Newsweek, New York Times, and Washington Post.
Having grown up in Montana, she now lives in sunny Tucson, Arizona.
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September 21, 2022Seven people close to me have died in the last few years, six of them in terrifying and unexpected circumstances, and it's possible I was wanting too much from this book. It's good. It's interesting. It's written with compassion. A lot of my feeling while reading it, though, boiled down to this question: why must I get over it? People in the studies cited here who report recovering from grief quickly are labeled "resilient," and those who don't are pathologized, and although O'Connor does take care to separate 'grief' from 'depression' it felt implicit in the text that grief isn't good for us. I'm wondering about it. There can be a kind of joy that comes along with allowing oneself to fully participate in feelings of grief and loss. To not think you need to get over it in a certain amount of time. To not worry that you're failing, somehow, by continuing to grieve instead of being 'resilient.' I have a friend who will never get over the loss of her child fifteen years ago. Who am I to say that isn't her best possible way to live her life, in constant mourning? Grief brings so many things about life into such sharp relief. I don't have anything intelligent to say about it except that grief isn't an illness. And now my mind has just been hijacked by one of Thomas Mann's characters in The Magic Mountain, a woman known as "Tous-les-Deux," a Mexican mother whose first son is dead, and second son soon will be, and she has no common language with anyone at the sanatorium with whom to express her grief. I understand her now.
April 25, 2023
This is a unique book which explains what research reveals about how our brain reacts to loss. The author has absolutely the right credentials for writing this book – as she directs the Grief, Loss, and Social Stress (GLASS) Lab at the University of Arizona, in investigating the effects of grief on the brain and the body. We all know how we feel and how difficult it is, as at some point in our lives, such a circumstance would have come for many of us.
The author starts with how we remember aspects of people close to us, and what happens if someone close to us passes away. The brain maintains aspects of space, time and closeness for people we know. Space & time is similar to real world objects – when you navigate to a place to find something, you expect it to be there, and would be shocked if it were not. The brain similarly is shocked when it is told that a person whose co-ordinates it holds is no longer around. Closeness is a third dimension on how close the bonding was. The author devotes a lot of space with analogies to maps on how the brain is shocked in this situation, explaining this as a major neuroscience discovery. I, however, found nothing surprising about this. What I found more interesting and did not know about is that the brain maintains a kind of closeness index for people we know separately from the incidents & experiences with them. This closeness index undergoes revisions periodically based on our interactions with people – it could improve or worsen.
Till quite recently, the Kubler-Ross 5-stage model - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance was how grieving was understood. Recent research indicates that this is not accurate and the book explains a dual process model (loss-oriented & restoration-oriented) with multiple activities and we tend to shuffle across to and fro, potentially multiple times. This is logical, and while the Kubler-Ross model comes across as correlating to real-world experience, does have the drawback of making it appear as if grieving has linear non-recursive stages. The book has material around how some people are more resilient and neuroscience is still working out how that works. Research also indicates that there is no standard process which will work for all – for some company helps, some need more self-time, distraction helps for some etc. The key is to be flexible and open minded to try what works.
I find neuroscience fascinating for its future potential of being able to decipher our feelings and help us lead better lives. This book has some tips on coping with loss based on research & observation, but is not intended to be a detailed book on recovery. The author alludes to mindfulness techniques and I know there are some other good mindfulness books which delve deeper on possible approaches, though I have not read any related to grief myself as yet. This is an important book which I definitely recommend for its life value.
The author starts with how we remember aspects of people close to us, and what happens if someone close to us passes away. The brain maintains aspects of space, time and closeness for people we know. Space & time is similar to real world objects – when you navigate to a place to find something, you expect it to be there, and would be shocked if it were not. The brain similarly is shocked when it is told that a person whose co-ordinates it holds is no longer around. Closeness is a third dimension on how close the bonding was. The author devotes a lot of space with analogies to maps on how the brain is shocked in this situation, explaining this as a major neuroscience discovery. I, however, found nothing surprising about this. What I found more interesting and did not know about is that the brain maintains a kind of closeness index for people we know separately from the incidents & experiences with them. This closeness index undergoes revisions periodically based on our interactions with people – it could improve or worsen.
Till quite recently, the Kubler-Ross 5-stage model - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance was how grieving was understood. Recent research indicates that this is not accurate and the book explains a dual process model (loss-oriented & restoration-oriented) with multiple activities and we tend to shuffle across to and fro, potentially multiple times. This is logical, and while the Kubler-Ross model comes across as correlating to real-world experience, does have the drawback of making it appear as if grieving has linear non-recursive stages. The book has material around how some people are more resilient and neuroscience is still working out how that works. Research also indicates that there is no standard process which will work for all – for some company helps, some need more self-time, distraction helps for some etc. The key is to be flexible and open minded to try what works.
I find neuroscience fascinating for its future potential of being able to decipher our feelings and help us lead better lives. This book has some tips on coping with loss based on research & observation, but is not intended to be a detailed book on recovery. The author alludes to mindfulness techniques and I know there are some other good mindfulness books which delve deeper on possible approaches, though I have not read any related to grief myself as yet. This is an important book which I definitely recommend for its life value.
April 5, 2022
Elegant, warm, compassionate and utterly fascinating.
I presume that the word 'surprising' in the title is a piece of blatant publishing puff. Or is it so surprising that the Kübler-Ross model of an orderly progress of stages of grief is outdated? Mary-Frances O'Connor subscribes to the Dual Process Model in which daily life 'oscillates' - or pings back and forth like a demented pinball in a mad machine between the kind of activities that signify moving forward such as attending to life changes (what me? gardening???), doing new things (GARDENING!), distraction from grief (focussing on how COLD your hands get when gardening), new roles/identities/relationships - I will avoid the obvious there - and on the other side something called 'Intrusion of grief' - oh yes, those waves that wash over - or grief work, or relocating bonds/ties. A sort of up-and-down, back-and-forth model rather than any kind of royal progress through the stages. The roller coaster model, not the journey out, hero's return model.
Personally, I find it hugely comforting to understand why I found it so difficult to sleep: bereavement is stress, the body is buzzing with adrenaline and cortisol, a disruption of zeitgeber cues that signal sleep. Why I found it hard to concentrate or take decisions: grief is mentally extremely demanding as the brain is re-grouping, recoding, re-evaluating, changing a habit of mind that has become engrained in the very being.
And it's also hugely comforting to recognize that I am actually doing okay, I am learning how to negotiate this new life. This is part of being human. We suffer loss, we change and adapt and adjust to the loss.
It's what we do.
I presume that the word 'surprising' in the title is a piece of blatant publishing puff. Or is it so surprising that the Kübler-Ross model of an orderly progress of stages of grief is outdated? Mary-Frances O'Connor subscribes to the Dual Process Model in which daily life 'oscillates' - or pings back and forth like a demented pinball in a mad machine between the kind of activities that signify moving forward such as attending to life changes (what me? gardening???), doing new things (GARDENING!), distraction from grief (focussing on how COLD your hands get when gardening), new roles/identities/relationships - I will avoid the obvious there - and on the other side something called 'Intrusion of grief' - oh yes, those waves that wash over - or grief work, or relocating bonds/ties. A sort of up-and-down, back-and-forth model rather than any kind of royal progress through the stages. The roller coaster model, not the journey out, hero's return model.
Personally, I find it hugely comforting to understand why I found it so difficult to sleep: bereavement is stress, the body is buzzing with adrenaline and cortisol, a disruption of zeitgeber cues that signal sleep. Why I found it hard to concentrate or take decisions: grief is mentally extremely demanding as the brain is re-grouping, recoding, re-evaluating, changing a habit of mind that has become engrained in the very being.
And it's also hugely comforting to recognize that I am actually doing okay, I am learning how to negotiate this new life. This is part of being human. We suffer loss, we change and adapt and adjust to the loss.
It's what we do.
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February 20, 2022Helpful read as I science my way through grief. Some really neat takeaways:
- Love creates neural links that live on in DNA epigenetics after loved ones are gone. Knowing that I could leave a genetic imprint simply by connecting with another is a good reminder to not be a dick
- 3X rule: try to discuss a situation 3 times. If nothing changes at 3rd attempt, try something new, and then definitely revisit.
- Hugs = drugs: Most folks isolate during grief. Do the opposite. Social connection (especially hugging) has same chemical effect/impact as opiate use.
- Love creates neural links that live on in DNA epigenetics after loved ones are gone. Knowing that I could leave a genetic imprint simply by connecting with another is a good reminder to not be a dick
- 3X rule: try to discuss a situation 3 times. If nothing changes at 3rd attempt, try something new, and then definitely revisit.
- Hugs = drugs: Most folks isolate during grief. Do the opposite. Social connection (especially hugging) has same chemical effect/impact as opiate use.
June 28, 2022
The Grieving Brain is a research-heavy book that’s good for understanding how the brain functions during grief. However, this book lacked application of that research in easy, digestible ways; thus, I probably will not recommend this book to most people who are actively grieving.
March 6, 2022
One of the best sources on grief and grieving I've discovered to date - the last 100 pages, especially, are very informative and thoughtful. I highly recommend to anyone who has experienced acute grief or is struggling to help and better understand someone who is grieving. This is definitely a book I will reference and re-read often.
November 21, 2023
This book dives deep into the neurological underpinnings of grief, blending scientific research with real-world stories. O'Connor, while not a naturally gifted writer per se, still manages to showcase considerable skill in her writing craft. She made complex concepts accessible and engaging, not an easy task in the world of brain science.
One of the book's strengths is its clear departure from the conventional wisdom surrounding the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). O'Connor shows that these stages, often taken as gospel in our understanding of grief, lack any kind of clinical basis. It's an important point, especially considering the guilt or confusion people feel when their grieving process doesn't align with these stages. They feel like they aren’t grieving correctly and that makes it even worse.
Another aspect where the book shines is its use of real-world stories. These tales breathe life into the otherwise research-heavy content, making the book more relatable and less like a dry academic paper. The stories provide a human touch to the scientific discussions, showing how grief is a deeply personal and unique experience for everyone.
Still, the book's scope felt too narrow for my taste. It primarily centers on the grief experienced due to the death of a spouse. But grief manifests in so many forms beyond the death of a loved one. Disappointments like not getting a job, enduring a breakup, or facing other life setbacks are where we experience grief the most. O'Connor's expertise could have offered valuable insights into these much more common experiences of loss and disappointment. This book simply didn’t go there and the whole topic unfortunately remained unexplored.
One of the book's strengths is its clear departure from the conventional wisdom surrounding the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). O'Connor shows that these stages, often taken as gospel in our understanding of grief, lack any kind of clinical basis. It's an important point, especially considering the guilt or confusion people feel when their grieving process doesn't align with these stages. They feel like they aren’t grieving correctly and that makes it even worse.
Another aspect where the book shines is its use of real-world stories. These tales breathe life into the otherwise research-heavy content, making the book more relatable and less like a dry academic paper. The stories provide a human touch to the scientific discussions, showing how grief is a deeply personal and unique experience for everyone.
Still, the book's scope felt too narrow for my taste. It primarily centers on the grief experienced due to the death of a spouse. But grief manifests in so many forms beyond the death of a loved one. Disappointments like not getting a job, enduring a breakup, or facing other life setbacks are where we experience grief the most. O'Connor's expertise could have offered valuable insights into these much more common experiences of loss and disappointment. This book simply didn’t go there and the whole topic unfortunately remained unexplored.
July 12, 2022
The author is an expert on grief and a neuroscientist who later used MRI on his interviwed patients to explain/describe what happens in our brain when we grieve, as well as why and how we grieve in the brain's perspective. In a way, this was more of a neuroscience book than a self-help book. A bit of prior knowledge on the human brain is definitely useful before reading. This was the very first book I've read using new brain researches to explain the grieving process. It was fascinating. Lots of common questions were answered, including but not limited to:
-Why and how to get over the death of a loved one.
-Why some losses hit us harder than others.
- Does one ever get over the loss?
-Does time really heal? If so, how does it work?
-What are some ways to get over grief, in the neurological perspective?
-What do some people who lead beautiful life after terrible losses have in common?
I always suspected that the only way to get over hurt and anger(most common expressions of grief) is to rewire our brain, according to recent researches and this book, it's true.
-Why and how to get over the death of a loved one.
-Why some losses hit us harder than others.
- Does one ever get over the loss?
-Does time really heal? If so, how does it work?
-What are some ways to get over grief, in the neurological perspective?
-What do some people who lead beautiful life after terrible losses have in common?
I always suspected that the only way to get over hurt and anger(most common expressions of grief) is to rewire our brain, according to recent researches and this book, it's true.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 17, 2022
This book kinda found me at the library.Having lost my partner 14 months ago has been so painful to me, I thought I would be over it in a years time but now I see that may have been a survival mechanism in my brain to just help me get thru..... This book helped me understand that the grieving I have thus far experienced is what it is...... having looked up at the sky day after day and wondered where she went,not knowing where or why or what I got to do next, has been on my mind from the moment I heard the sad news. Reading about the scientific facts and studies has giving me a little relief. I did cry a lot in the first chapters cause it says a lot of things I have felt but been very unable to talk about! Grief is no joke and it can take you down for a long time, so having information about the subject is very helpful!
April 21, 2022
This book was very interesting to me. It took me a long time, was dense - most of the time couldn’t finish a chapter in a sitting, but the information was so interesting. Written by a neuroscientist, she wrote in a scientific but relatable manner as she described what our brains go through when we experience grief. The science-loving and reasoning part of me loved it - our brains have to rewire and relearn what it’s like to live in a world without a loved one or a massive change in our lives. Our brains work hard in grief to recreate a life full of meaning without the person that we love. I did enjoy this book - very scientific and informational but she did a good job of making it readable too. In between a self help and a textbook I’d say. Would recommend! Check out my highlights if you are interested.
October 14, 2024
If you’re experiencing grief or supporting someone who is, this is a fantastic read. Grief is confusing, overwhelming, erratic, and debilitating. This book helped me step outside of myself, understand the science behind grief and observe my own experiences with a more scientific lens to make sense of them.
Grief can bring on new levels of panic, fear, and other intense emotions that for me personally, felt unfamiliar and terrifying. This book was validating in that it showed me how my brain is doing exactly what it is expected to when reacting to loss. Learning why grief hurts the way it does enabled me to have a lot more self compassion and simultaneously be more aware of some actions that could help restore a meaningful life.
The neuroscience research is presented in an accessible and digestible way. Much of it focuses on death and bereavement. The author mentions how the brain can often grieve similarly when faced with loss of various kinds - death, breakups, friendship loss, loss of homes or jobs, and much more. However, I wish the book had explored more of the differences between these experiences or the nuances of grieving someone who is still living.
I don’t recall the last time I read a book and called it “helpful” but I feel like this book truly met me where I’m at. It can be a dense read at times, but I imagine I’ll return to different sections as I continue processing its insights over time.
Grief can bring on new levels of panic, fear, and other intense emotions that for me personally, felt unfamiliar and terrifying. This book was validating in that it showed me how my brain is doing exactly what it is expected to when reacting to loss. Learning why grief hurts the way it does enabled me to have a lot more self compassion and simultaneously be more aware of some actions that could help restore a meaningful life.
The neuroscience research is presented in an accessible and digestible way. Much of it focuses on death and bereavement. The author mentions how the brain can often grieve similarly when faced with loss of various kinds - death, breakups, friendship loss, loss of homes or jobs, and much more. However, I wish the book had explored more of the differences between these experiences or the nuances of grieving someone who is still living.
I don’t recall the last time I read a book and called it “helpful” but I feel like this book truly met me where I’m at. It can be a dense read at times, but I imagine I’ll return to different sections as I continue processing its insights over time.
February 20, 2024
I’m glad the research exists, 5 stars for the research. The book on the other hand gets 3. It felt disorganized and repetitive while simultaneously leaving out so much that felt crucial.
February 21, 2025
yas üstüne okumak demek en çok kendini anlamak demek. kendisi veya bir yakını kayıpla başetmeye çalışan birine sunacağı çok fazla şey var hakikaten
August 8, 2022
This is the first book on grief that met me where I am. The author presents the Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement (from the 90s) that is now favored over Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' 5 stages of grief (from the 60s). By oscillating between "loss-oriented stressors" and "restoration-oriented stressors" within our everyday life experience, we are learning to restore a meaningful life.
...you are trying; you’re out in the world, learning how to carry the other person inside; learning to listen to others, not just the voices in your head; and you’re making new memories, testing yourself in new experiences (and surviving).
Listened on Audible: 4 stars only because I didn't like the the narrator's voice (ok on 1.2x speed).
...you are trying; you’re out in the world, learning how to carry the other person inside; learning to listen to others, not just the voices in your head; and you’re making new memories, testing yourself in new experiences (and surviving).
Listened on Audible: 4 stars only because I didn't like the the narrator's voice (ok on 1.2x speed).
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October 17, 20252025 reads: 292/300
in this book, the author discusses the neurology of grief. grief is something that, in my opinion, is still hardly understood. why do we randomly get hit with waves of hurt? why do we still make meals for two, knowing only one will be eating? these questions, and many more, are answered here. i read the author’s more recent book, the grieving body, earlier this year, and i would highly recommend both of these books to anyone interested in learning the why behind grief and grief’s impacts. dr. o’connor does a wonderful job sharing not only scientific facts, but real-life anecdotes that put these facts into perspective.
in this book, the author discusses the neurology of grief. grief is something that, in my opinion, is still hardly understood. why do we randomly get hit with waves of hurt? why do we still make meals for two, knowing only one will be eating? these questions, and many more, are answered here. i read the author’s more recent book, the grieving body, earlier this year, and i would highly recommend both of these books to anyone interested in learning the why behind grief and grief’s impacts. dr. o’connor does a wonderful job sharing not only scientific facts, but real-life anecdotes that put these facts into perspective.
June 4, 2024
Enriched my understanding of grief and loss significantly. Such a valuable read!
July 6, 2024
Deep clinical discussions of brain research...I'm grateful that researchers are exploring this aspect of surviving the death of loved ones. I will be gentler to myself and let my brain do its work.
November 5, 2023
My new favorite grief book by far.
Recommend for those that like just plain ole data and more scientific reasons WHY grief hurts the way it does, instead of author stories. This book shares lots of really great research studies and how the brain actually struggles with the concept of loss. WHY you feel pain after loss, WHY denial happens. It was fascinating.
The style for most grief books involves the author sharing their personal grief story and then providing advice through *their* lens and what they’ve learned. While there is ABSOLUTELY a place and need for those I just always struggle with them. As with any person’s grief, it’s hard to find someone writing about your specific type of loss. While all grief stories are relatable to a certain degree, I just always have a hard time connecting when the lens they interpret grief through is different than mine.
This is the first book I’ve come across that doesn’t follow that same style and instead focuses on the more objective aspects that are relatable to all, regardless of your type of loss or what stage you’re in (recent loss or years ago).
Recommend for those that like just plain ole data and more scientific reasons WHY grief hurts the way it does, instead of author stories. This book shares lots of really great research studies and how the brain actually struggles with the concept of loss. WHY you feel pain after loss, WHY denial happens. It was fascinating.
The style for most grief books involves the author sharing their personal grief story and then providing advice through *their* lens and what they’ve learned. While there is ABSOLUTELY a place and need for those I just always struggle with them. As with any person’s grief, it’s hard to find someone writing about your specific type of loss. While all grief stories are relatable to a certain degree, I just always have a hard time connecting when the lens they interpret grief through is different than mine.
This is the first book I’ve come across that doesn’t follow that same style and instead focuses on the more objective aspects that are relatable to all, regardless of your type of loss or what stage you’re in (recent loss or years ago).
March 19, 2022
It's been three years since I lost the love of my life,and, while I'm pretty good about living an upbeat life (mostly for my family), I'm sometimes overwhelmed with her loss. In addition, we had recently moved away from our long-time residence into a completely new environment without any broad, close friends support...then, of course, the COVID shut-downs prevented any meaningful social contact for more than a year. But enough of this pity-party!
O'Conner's book helped me to put things in a slightly different context and examine more closely the 'why' I continued to hold her memory so tightly. This audiobook (for me) held up a mirror that, while not resolving all my grief, allowed me to contemplate my grieving.
I've chosen to 'get back on the horse' and start traveling and spending time with people (other than my family...who are also grieving terribly). I doubt that I will ever recapture what we had, but I may find that I can enjoy trying...
Not much of a review, but cathartic just the same!
Recommended
O'Conner's book helped me to put things in a slightly different context and examine more closely the 'why' I continued to hold her memory so tightly. This audiobook (for me) held up a mirror that, while not resolving all my grief, allowed me to contemplate my grieving.
I've chosen to 'get back on the horse' and start traveling and spending time with people (other than my family...who are also grieving terribly). I doubt that I will ever recapture what we had, but I may find that I can enjoy trying...
Not much of a review, but cathartic just the same!
Recommended
February 13, 2022
Having just lost a loved one, the opportunity to read and review this book was timely. I really enjoyed the author's explanation of how our brain is affected by grief and how it processes the loss of someone in our lives.
I am a data nerd, so the science behind my feelings really helped me put things in perspective.
If you are experiencing grief and struggle at all with how the "waves" of it come and go so inexplicably, this is a great book to help you understand what you are going through.
So thankful for the ARC.
I am a data nerd, so the science behind my feelings really helped me put things in perspective.
If you are experiencing grief and struggle at all with how the "waves" of it come and go so inexplicably, this is a great book to help you understand what you are going through.
So thankful for the ARC.
March 20, 2022
"Grief is the cost of loving someone" and Dr O'Connor's research explains how our loved ones are imprinted in our DNA and how that takes time to be re-written when we lose them. We all will grieve at some point in our lives...and this book gives us some practical information to help us through that process.
March 6, 2022
A wonderful book, I have tasted every page and liked the way it is simplifying things, I had the chance to understand new concepts about grief and how brain reacts to the loss in a scientific way. Totally recommend the book!
March 29, 2023
I wanted to read this book for a very long time since it talks about grief from a new perspective. And I’m glad that I wasn’t let down. Although lots of the topics mentioned here have been also pointed out or elaborated in many other books I’ve read, there are enough new things that make the book worthwhile to read.
The writer explains everything clearly and without over-explanation which I loved. She focuses on how our brain needs to understand our new reality without our loved one and learn to process things in their absence. She mentions many clinical experiments and also lots of research done by different psychologists, psychiatrists and neurologists that have studied grief and explains lots of interesting results and information.
Most books on grief mention how our heart needs to be healed after a loss and how we need to let our emotions take their time in the process. I loved the fact that here we learn that in addition to our heart, our brain and mind need healing and time as well because everything about our life and how we perceive the world has changed, and now our brain needs to learn to live and function in a world without our loved one.
The writer explains everything clearly and without over-explanation which I loved. She focuses on how our brain needs to understand our new reality without our loved one and learn to process things in their absence. She mentions many clinical experiments and also lots of research done by different psychologists, psychiatrists and neurologists that have studied grief and explains lots of interesting results and information.
Most books on grief mention how our heart needs to be healed after a loss and how we need to let our emotions take their time in the process. I loved the fact that here we learn that in addition to our heart, our brain and mind need healing and time as well because everything about our life and how we perceive the world has changed, and now our brain needs to learn to live and function in a world without our loved one.
November 30, 2022
My original review disappeared when I stupidly edited the dates after posting.
Briefly, this book expanded my understanding of grief by explaining how the brain is working to adapt to the new reality of the disappearance of a loved one. The main message I gleaned is that it’s important to avoid two possible extremes of grieving: denying/repressing grief at one extreme and becoming mired in it for a protracted time period. Denying grief and hurrying to get back to your old vanished life prevents the personal growth and integration of the loss. Staying stuck in grief prevents you from stepping back Into a new life without the loved one. In the first shock of grief, we are engulfed by it, but gradually we can begin to grow a new life. I agree with those who say we never stop missing dead loved ones. But we can eventually go on living a meaningful life.
Briefly, this book expanded my understanding of grief by explaining how the brain is working to adapt to the new reality of the disappearance of a loved one. The main message I gleaned is that it’s important to avoid two possible extremes of grieving: denying/repressing grief at one extreme and becoming mired in it for a protracted time period. Denying grief and hurrying to get back to your old vanished life prevents the personal growth and integration of the loss. Staying stuck in grief prevents you from stepping back Into a new life without the loved one. In the first shock of grief, we are engulfed by it, but gradually we can begin to grow a new life. I agree with those who say we never stop missing dead loved ones. But we can eventually go on living a meaningful life.
March 23, 2024
The Grieving Brain is not a book meant as a self help therapy for the bereaved, yet in many ways the information is helpful.
The author offers very interesting information on the neuroscience of the grieving process while addressing the fact that this is all a very new field.
Some of the facts I found helpful and interesting;
Structural differences can actually be observed in the brains of humans with complex or complicated grief. They just don’t know yet which may have caused which.
An explanation with insights of why grief can be so powerful and incapacitating. It’s has to do with how we literally map out and remember our relationships in our minds.
Grief can sometimes actually feel like panic from the break in the connection we expect to find that is no longer there.
An explanation of yearning that hurts to read but makes sense and some advice or even a new takes on mindfulness, rumination, and the surprising benefit of unconscious intrusive thoughts.
I really like the advice on how to use the word, “yet” during the grieving process. I think everyone alive could benefit from this read because we are all going to go through this at some point.
I also learned it’s the same part of my brain that yearns for loved ones and also chocolate.
The author offers very interesting information on the neuroscience of the grieving process while addressing the fact that this is all a very new field.
Some of the facts I found helpful and interesting;
Structural differences can actually be observed in the brains of humans with complex or complicated grief. They just don’t know yet which may have caused which.
An explanation with insights of why grief can be so powerful and incapacitating. It’s has to do with how we literally map out and remember our relationships in our minds.
Grief can sometimes actually feel like panic from the break in the connection we expect to find that is no longer there.
An explanation of yearning that hurts to read but makes sense and some advice or even a new takes on mindfulness, rumination, and the surprising benefit of unconscious intrusive thoughts.
I really like the advice on how to use the word, “yet” during the grieving process. I think everyone alive could benefit from this read because we are all going to go through this at some point.
I also learned it’s the same part of my brain that yearns for loved ones and also chocolate.
January 19, 2025
This has been a truly remarkable read. I picked up this book in the midst of struggling with a friend's grief, or rather a combination of their grief and my own grief. I didn't know what I was looking for exactly, comfort, reassurance and knowledge about grief yes but there was something deeper I wanted too. I found it all in this book. And it answered questions I didn't even know I had. I'm so so so glad I found it and had the opportunity to read it.
It's written with so much compassion and kindness I'm overwhelmed with how it made me feel. Absolutely would recommend it to anyone, especially if you're experiencing grief or have a loved one who is experiencing a profound loss.
It's written with so much compassion and kindness I'm overwhelmed with how it made me feel. Absolutely would recommend it to anyone, especially if you're experiencing grief or have a loved one who is experiencing a profound loss.
March 13, 2024
The framing at the heart of this book is surprisingly simple, for how illuminating it feels: grief is that moment you notice something important isn’t where your mental map says it should be (in time, place, or closeness), and grieving is the process of learning the new map. The rest of the book unpacks these ideas in various ways, and while I maybe didn’t need every part, it was all interesting—especially the bits that could apply to non-bereavement loss.
I finally know not to worry about the famous (but misleading) stages of grief. And I finally understand and accept why I grieve for, say, Terry Pratchett, whom I never met, and will probably grieve for one or two celebrities in the future.
I finally know not to worry about the famous (but misleading) stages of grief. And I finally understand and accept why I grieve for, say, Terry Pratchett, whom I never met, and will probably grieve for one or two celebrities in the future.
May 1, 2024
Started listening to the audiobook for this right before we put my dog down, and it’s been very helpful for me. It gives you the science behind why you feel the way you do when dealing with grief and helps you understand what studies have shown as positive and negative strategies for processing grief and working through it.
Strongly recommend this book to anybody and everybody. High 4 star.
Strongly recommend this book to anybody and everybody. High 4 star.
November 1, 2024
Extremely academic and scientific look at grief. If you or someone you love is needing the logical or practical explanation - this book could be of great help. Full of very interesting information but pretty dry
December 27, 2024
This book had many ah hah moments for me. I really like the notion of time, place, and close as dimensions where we experience people. Sometimes got a bit too brainy and scientific but an interesting look at grief and how we experience it. Thanks again Bree!
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