Every Heart Restored: A Wife's Guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband's Sexual Sin

The Every Man

by Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey, Brenda Stoeker

Wholeness and Healing for Women Caught in the Crossfire.

As the wife of a man who is addicted to lust, pornography, or masturbation, you are not alone. Millions of men can’t get through the day or the week without clicking on to their favorite Internet porn sites, thumbing through adult magazines, or watching sensual videos–and millions of wives suffer as a result.

Over the past decade, nearly 400,000 men have found inspiration and hope in Every Man’s Battle, the best-selling men’s guide to victory over sexual sin. Now, here at last is the book for every woman who has become a casualty in the fight for sexual purity. Every Heart Restored offers godly guidance and wisdom for a woman facing such personal betrayal.

“WHAT DOES GOD EXPECT FROM ME?”

“HOW CAN I TRUST AGAIN?”

“IS IT POSSIBLE TO OVERCOME PAIN AND UNFORGIVENESS?”

“CAN MY MARRIAGE BE REBUILT?”

“WHAT IF I JUST WANT OUT?”

Filled with stories from wives and husbands at every stage in the struggle for sexual purity, Every Heart Restored addresses the questions and real-life issues that matter to you most. Whether you are facing the startling new revelation of your husband’s sin, dealing with a long-term problem, or cleaning out an old wound, Every Heart Restored will meet you where you are and guide you to healing greater than you imagine possible.

Also Every Heart Restored Workbook

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Womens, Nonfiction, Christian Non Fiction, Christian Living

272 pages, Paperback

First published October 19, 2004

Reviews

[Laura · Rating 1 out of 5]

The authors' goal is to bring healing to a hurting wife. However, they focus too much on the reasons her husband has fallen - almost to the point of justifying his behavior. I believe a book of this nature is best written by one who has actually gone through this healing process. There are some good points, but one has to wade through a lot of painful chapters before they reach them.

[Lisa · Rating 1 out of 5]

Definitely one of the worst books I have ever read. These authors believe that men have no control over themselves at all. That men will always objectify women so the only solution is for them to get married and spend the rest of their lives objectifying their wives while they try really hard to keep it in their pants when they encounter another woman. But they'll try hard to never see another woman by "bouncing their eyes."

Wife, you're just a receptacle. That's it.

Evangelicalism, can you sink any lower?

I cannot fathom how this book make it to market.

Instead of this book, I recommend books by John Cusick, Jay Stringer, or Andrew J. Bauman. In addition, The Great Sex Rescue by Gregoire, et al is incredibly helpful.

[Jessica · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is horrible and objectifies women! These authors do not have a biblical view of women. I regret that early in my journey of healing I believed the lies in these books and even passed on this book to other young women.

[Michelle Roberts · Rating 1 out of 5]

It is NEVER a woman’s fault if her husband can’t control his urges. It is NEVER a woman’s fault if her husband cheats on her, no matter what form that is.

[Stephanie MacDonald · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is not for someone with fresh wounds, which is who needs healing the most. Although a reader will be introduced to empathy for what her husband has faced, the book was painful to read because of an unbalanced amount of empathy handed to the wife. Comparing to another healing book I just read, the author immediately makes the wife feel accepted and understood for her devastation and excruciating pain. Which seems imperative initially for her healing and so that she can eventually be able to reciprocate that empathy to her betraying spouse.

I will probably read this again at a later date to see if it has any positive impact on my journey.

[Morgan Farr · Rating 5 out of 5]

While the book does say that it is geared towards all sexual sin (lust, porn, emotional and physical affairs) I find that most of the information is better geared towards pornography and lust issues than affairs. If you want to see text geared specifically towards affairs, check out my review of "After a Good Man Cheats" by Caroline Madden, PhD.

Now, back to Every Heart Restored. This book is different from other "infidelity help" books in that it really does actually help. Every Heart Restored explains the male sex drive from a biblical perspective. It helps women to see that men truly do have different needs, desires, and potential pitfalls sexually. The authors take the readers through the various things in life that can damage a man, allowing a sexual sin to slip in and take root. While these past issues do not by any means excuse the sexual sin, it can help a wife to realize that these sins of her husband's are NOT her fault. I love that this book takes a hard line on what sexual sin is and isn't. I like that the Stoekers don't fall for the "boys will be boys, so you need to just forgive him and move on line" that is so often pushed in Christian marriage circles.

Overall, I rate Every Heart Restored a solid A+ book. I would say that if your husband is struggling with sexual sin or if you are having a difficult time moving beyond his past sexual sins, Every Heart Restored is worth your time and energy. I would also recommend that if you are a husband that has been unable to reach your wife despite having apologized profusely this book could help you to understand the tremendous hurt that your wife is carrying and trying to overcome.

[Mike Chang · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this book can be difficult for many wives to read and agree with the many women reviewers' impression that the book is not helpful to a hurting wife's healing, especially if the hurt if fairly new and raw. The book may not be worded in ways that right away affirms and acknowledge wives's hurt and pain and the realities of being victimized by their husbands. However, I do like that the book comes from the perspectives of a wife and husband team and comes from a Christian perspective. While a reader may not agree with the things raised in the book, I think the authors are coming from a place of wanting to focus on the heart of God in restoration and discipleship. The book may be more helpful as a guide for ministers (women and men) who are coming alongside wives and husbands in their times of sorrow and pain than for wives who are in the midst of the battle. The principles in the book can be helpful to focus on the ultimate goal of restoration and Christian discipleship. A minister can however lose sight of a hurting wife and fail to spend the needed time to affirm and acknowledge the wife's pain, heart break, and anger in a rush to wanting to bring restoration to the husband and to the marriage.

[Victoria (hotcocoaandbooks) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is aimed to comfort and help women who are dealing with their husband's sexual sins (from lust, porn addictions, to affairs). Many women suffer from their husband's sexual addictions and this book is out to help women try to get inside a man's head to understand what they have gone through so that they can try to encourage them towards purity. We are able to learn of male and female perspectives and how differently we are made so that we can try to see what each person would be going through. It doesn't try to yell at women or men, but tries to help each person understand the other (and the authors are a married couple who have been through it).

The book opens up about how Fred & Brenda Stoeker met and their issues emotionally, physically, and spiritually that each of them was dealing with because of Fred's lust & pornography addictions. It continues with stories from women who have been pained because of the way their husbands treated them (or didn't treat them at all) because of their husband's sexual sins. Both Fred and Brenda state their Biblical based opinions and trying to understand what these women might be going through while also trying to understand what the husband is going through. Overall, this section deals with the betrayal felt in a woman when she finds out about her husband's sexual addictions.

In the second part of the book we learn about what a man goes through and how he connects a lot of his love through what goes on in the bedroom. Women have to learn how easy it is for a man to become stimulated and how visual they are. One thing that was mentioned was about Fred and Brenda's son Michael who was 11 years old and approached his mother explaining that he couldn't get images of women in underwear out of his head because he saw ads walking past the Victoria's Secret store in the mall. He wasn't going out looking for that image and at the same time it was dwelling in his head for the first time as he started hitting puberty. The section tries to vocalize what a man does with those images and how visual men are with simple things. It also tries to help women know that they are not to give their bodies every single time that their husband wants them through intimacy, but that they should realize that men's brains are made differently from theirs. While women have much more of a communicative brain (where they can connect things with both sides of their brains), men have it only on one side of their brain and instead have much more sexual demand going on in their brain in comparison to a woman's. Therefore women need to realize that men can't be women and women can't be men, so they both need to be there for each other sexually and emotionally for one another to meet each other's needs (without being controlling, demanding, or insensitive).

In the third part of the book we learn how different situations can really impact the way a guy feels about sex in general. A lot of boys tend to masturbate and get involved in sexual sin due to having a lack of their father in their lives and wanting to be appreciated by them. Also the church tends to not want to state that masturbation is wrong, so they encourage it and sometimes will try to make their messages "relevant" by using ungodly movies as a way to present their message without stating the content within the movie, causing teens and children to want to see it, and often they will fall into lust because the church isn't doing enough to try to protect them from harm. Here's what was said, ‎"In our quest to remain hip and relevant, our churches have become irrelevant to the greatest issue of our day, playing right into the hands of the Enemy whose clever temptations reveal a deadly understanding of male sexual hardwiring." About a page later, "You already know that our male hardwiring is prone to addictive lusts of the eyes. Now you can see how our own churches wound us with their desire to be 'relevant,' promoting and approving the very things that rev a guy's sexual engine into the red zone. Once there, however, masturbation eats our spirituality alive." The remainder of this section talks about how the root of a lot of porn addictions started long before a man gets married at all, and tries to help a woman understand the hard-wiring of lust addiction and how their husband needs to have encouragement so that they can "re-wire" what they have put into habit for so long and that it has nothing to do with the wife (even though she will feel rejected and that it was because she wasn't "good enough")! I think this was probably my favorite section of the whole book.

The last section of the book is to share how there can be healing in a marriage even after feeling betrayed because of sexual sin. There are examples of many women and how long they may have had to wait and go through the pain of rejection. A big subject mentioned here is divorce and what the Bible says about it. There was a lot of love in this portion through the statements because women who read this might be suffering from deep wounds. I really like how we were able to see examples of stories of women who had a hard time with how their husbands expected them to do whatever they want sexually on demand without sharing the intimacy needed to nurture the relationship for marriage. While a lot of women may want to have control over their husband's change, the man needs to be willing to make efforts to change. There is a lot of talk in this portion about the prayers of a wife and how important they are!

As a whole the book was pretty good! If you have a husband who has a sexual addiction, this is wonderful. My husband has been through a lot of what was mentioned and one story in particular was so similar to my own that I started to remember a bit of what I felt when I suffered through my own husband's porn and lust addictions of the past. I can say that there is hope and a way to get through it even though it may seem like it is not possible.
I give it a 3.75 out of 5 star rating.
[review also on http://rubyeyedokapi.com]

[Ashley Blankinship · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was SOO good. It helped to heal a lot of wounds I didn’t know I had & understand the male brain better. Thank you Fred & Brenda!

[Kristi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book can definitely save marriages! There is clear advice but more importantly it's about a woman healing and knowing she doesn't battle this alone. Bringing much comfort and truth to light I couldn't put this one down. I have bought two copies and lent them out to people who have in return bought their own and lent those out! This is a much needed resource for counselors and women facing infidelity in marriage. In this book you will understand some under the current issues a man faces from childhood as well his wiring. Then step by step the authors help you identify your hurts, grieve with you, show you what a repentant husband will look like, inspire hope and challenge both you and your husband to hold tight to God and battle for your marriage. Excellent!

[Mediaman · Rating 2 out of 5]

Despite the fact that I share the evangelical Christian faith of the authors, this book is unrealistic and distorts scripture. It's a evangelical politically correct modern view of husbands being subservient to women, and male sexual sin being held as worse than anything any woman could ever do. The constant male-bashing in the book (especially by the shrewish wife Brenda) gets really old. She seems extremely naive and a person with unrealistic expectations of her spouse. He seems too good to be true (the way a reformed alcoholic or drug addict goes overboard with his new sobriety) and uses Bible verses out of context to support his modern views of husband/wife roles. If they would truly go back through the history of scripture and what God is saying in the New Testament they wouldn't publish such a lop-sided book. A guy looking at an ad with a woman in bra and panties is not as bad as a critical, unloving, anxious, envious and backbiting wife. This makes all guys look like dogs, all women the innocent victims of terrible men, and the only solution is for men to become "accountable" to others while wives are allowed to harass their husbands to keep them on their toes. The funny thing is the true message of all the stories in the book is that if the husband and wife truly communicate openly and honestly about all aspects of their sexual feelings, then the marriage can be strong no matter what the choices are that they make. What the book is missing is a serious discussion of the wife's own failures in the relationship, the negative contributions made by wives when they fail to accept their husbands feelings and demean them verbally while refusing sex (which is worse than what the guys are doing). After reading this I somewhat admire Fred for being able to hold to his standards (though I doubt that it's as cut-and-dry as he makes it sound) but question how this couple have become multi-million selling authors with such unrealistic views of sexuality in marriage. This does nothing but make guys withdraw deeper into themselves and give women more fuel for mistreating their men.

[Stella · Rating 4 out of 5]

While very good, this was a tough book to digest during the time I chose to read it. If you are looking for "real sexual integrity" in your marriage this book is critical reading.

I would add that "Every Man's Battle" needs to be or should be read by all men interested in a real relationship of sexual integrity. Without dealing with these difficult areas, it is impossible to have real intimacy. After reading this book & several others by Arterburn, I realized just how many marriages {Christians & non- Christians alike} operate on shallow levels with no or little true intimacy.

Last, I would add, many will find this book offensive as they do not want to be questioned or criticized on subjects such as masturbation.

[Edy Gies · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would highly, highly recommend this book to anyone struggling in their marriage because of their husbands sexual issues. It really uses the Bible and explains a practical guide for women trying to make sense of all that has gone on around them. It points out that many pastors and Christian counselors make something like an addiction to pornography seem inconsequential. This book rips that idea to shreds. It gives wives feel like they are going through their struggle with others, not just alone.

[Kristina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book awhile back and have even gotten the workbook to go along with it. I really liked this book because it helped me with what I was going through at the time, my boyfriend (who i have been dating for almost 2 years now) has had a problem with sexual sin that started way back in 2003 before I met him in May, 2008. I recommend this to wife's and even girlfriend's who are dealing with this. Pornography is horrible, it doesn't help relationships, it RUINS them.

[Renee Garth]

Very deep and thought provoking. Recommend for anyone going through this painful trial.

[Mazie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful read for any wife, especially those whose husband's struggle with these issues. Sometimes the way to help is not what you might think.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tough topic. Hard to say you "really like" a book like this, but it was insightful in many ways.

[Kit · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good read even if you dont need it. Give you great insight in the a man's mind and why they struggle with lust...especially with the eyes!

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Practical advice for this pervasive issue.

[CC · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent! This book was simply excellent! I can't say how much I appreciated my marriage and the man I'm with after reading this book.

[Jenn Sands · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book extremely helpful and spot on for what I needed at the time. It has been loaned to several other women.

[Samantha Cutler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Emotional read, but information all women should have whether they know their husband is in sin or not.

[Leah · Rating 5 out of 5]

excellent book for any woman dealing with infidelity