1/5 (2/10)
I picked this book up at random when I was at the library because the premise seemed interesting: a woman has a midlife crisis and starts breaking into houses. Ok, fun. I am disappointed to announce that this book was horrible. There is some breaking and entering, but this book somehow makes breaking into houses boring since Bea doesn’t even do anything while in the houses (except steal a dress once), and the whole thing just feels pathetic. This book is way too pessimistic to the point where it makes you feel like shit while reading it. All of the middle-aged characters in this book hate everyone younger than them and also the world and it’s just the worst. Like, god, if I wanted to lose faith in humanity, I didn’t need to sit and read a book. Going off of this, there are consistently weird and tone deaf metaphors, including one where they relate a lost shirt to the Israel/Palestine conflict? I can’t make this up. Not to mention, there’s a really strange preoccupation with sex, like, at all times, which is ridiculous. Add in some weirdly racist comments that had absolutely NO need to be included, and you get a really shitty book. This book is essentially pointless, like, I don’t think that I accomplished anything at all from sitting and reading the whole thing. It’s pretty confusing at the start, too, to the point where I was convinced that Bea lived in BOSTON for the first roughly hundred pages and was super confused as to why they were listing temperatures in Celsius instead of Fahrenheit (this book actually takes place in Toronto, which is NOT clear). This book also inexplicably takes place in 2015 for no reason. This is only discernible by the fact that they only mention 2015 releases when Bea and Sang go to the movies. In addition to this, the two films they want to see, Room and Sicario, a) came out a month apart from each other (Sicario released in early October, with Room releasing in early November) and b) when they’re discussing these movies, it’s supposed to be May/June of the year (2015, presumably) so WHY would these movies be in theaters before they were even released? This might sound like nitpicking, but if you’re going to explicitly name movies like that, and the entire timeline of your book can be thwarted by a simple google search of movie release dates, that’s a problem. It’s as if Don Gillmor (the author) just googled “popular 2015 films” and picked two at random.
Now that we’ve covered the issues with the general setting and overall vibe of the book, let’s dive in to the fact that I hated how this book was written. For starters, there are NO QUOTATION MARKS in this entire book, at all, which is INFURIATING. This, combined with the fact that speaker tags are often dropped, makes it, about 75% of the time, absolutely impossible to figure out who’s talking and when the dialogue starts and ends. It’s horrible. On top of that, this book over uses appositives and asyndeton to a ridiculous degree. Now, I’m not saying that these rhetorical devices are bad, I actually like them, but if you’re using them in every third sentence, it takes away all the cool rhythm they bring to a sentence and just makes it sound repetitive. In a similar vein, this book contains WAY too many sentence fragments (which is cool when it’s used SPARINGLY) to the point where I literally could not understand points of this book. Like, if you’re going to do that, at least make it coherent. Finally, and this is definitely a nitpick, but I don’t care, Gillmor somehow manages to misuse the word “chiaroscuro” which pissed me off.
Now, onto the character of Bea. She is, possibly, one of the WORST examples of a woman being written by a man I have ever seen. She feels like a shell of a person, and she is literally a horrible person, but it’s played off as “hahaha women are weird when they have a crisis.” Shut up. For starters, Bea is weirdly preoccupied with the assumption that people were on drugs (it happened randomly like, at least three times), and she is also weirdly focused and judgmental of random side characters’ tattoos that literally don’t even matter at all. It all feels very much “the world is being ruined and it’s all the youngster’s fault,” which is so fucking stupid. Maybe I’m just not the target audience for this book, but like, give me a break. Bea and Sang (her husband) have one of the most pathetic and annoying relationships I’ve ever seen in literature. The only real and actual moments of Bea’s and Sang’s relationship kept being ruined by the weird preoccupation Gillmor seems to have with their sex life. For example, one time, they had a good joke going about ordering weird things in a restaurant and then it was totally ruined by Bea saying “Seriously, if you eat it, I’ll blow you.” Uh….what? Bea also like delusional convinces herself that her husband is having an affair and sleeping with one of his students, and it ends up being true, but not with a student. She essentially makes her obsession with the fact that her husband is cheating on her her whole personality for a good half of the book and THEN SHE NONCHALANTLY STARTS CHEATING ON HIM ALSO?????? Like. She spends a GOOD 75 pages MINIMUM complaining about Sang and how he cheats on her and how their relationship is gone and blah blah blah only to GO AND DO THE SAME THING TO HIM!!!!! It’s infuriating. Sang and Bea together, also, are horrible parents. Remember what I said about the adults hating young people in this? Well, this is also the case, apparently, for their own 20 year old son. They are constantly worried about him, but they (especially Bea) resent him and say all of this negative stuff about how he’s not doing anything with his life and how he’s so distant and blah blah blah, like, shut UP! It’s not like either of you are saints. Here’s an actual quote from Bea about her own son “Those early years when he was helpless (as opposed to useless).” ??? Why the fuck would you think that about your own son?? Also, IT’S NOT EVEN A REAL SENTENCE. Oh my god. Finally, possible the most unoriginal aspect of them all, is the overdone, overused, mediocre casual alcoholism trope. If I had to pick something that Bea things about a lot (but less than sex), it would be wine. Like wow, you made your middle-aged female character drink wine literally all the time. How original. It also did basically nothing for the plot and was essentially useless and for the sake of stereotyping only.
This last bit will just cover specific moments that I had adverse reactions to, and absolutely despised. First up, there’s a line that lists a bunch of examples of things Ariel and Bea could argue about since they can “argue about anything”. Why ON EARTH was the first example “whose city had more lesbians”?? Why the FUCK would they be arguing about that???? It comes off as super weird, especially since the author (male) is writing this as if a woman is thinking about it. WEIRD. And in addition to the fact that almost all of the examples like this are just as weird, not good at all. Secondly, the Billings sisters’ (Bea and Ariel’s) proclivity for spelling complicated words correctly is called an “almost autistic ability”. Are you joking? Like, what would possess you to write that? Ugh. This review is long and angry, I know, and maybe I’m looking into it too deeply, but this book was so horrible that I kept a list of things I dislike so I could write this review. I literally only finished this book so I could write this scathing review because god, this book is awful. I will be more careful of the books I pick up at random form now on.
Breaking and Entering? More like Boring and Excruciating.