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Dating Without Fear: Overcome Social Anxiety and Connect
"Dating Without Fear blends solid, evidence-based science with relatable vulnerability. Both useful and entertaining, this gem of a book will transform your dating life."
—Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, Author of How to Be Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety
Discover how to overcome social anxiety and form genuine connections that are rooted in authentic self-confidence. This engaging, science-backed blueprint—written by a clinical psychologist—will help you understand your anxiety, work through it, and naturally connect.
Packed with proven strategies, personal stories, distilled research, and examples from his clinical practice, Dr. Thomas Smithyman leads you through the maze of dating-based social anxiety to help you discover the Warm Social World that awaits.
In Dating Without Fear, you will learn how
Unwind the beliefs that trigger social anxiety Reduce shame and overcome the fear of rejection Be seen and liked for who you truly are (flaws and all) Let go of worry, rumination, and overthinking Lower performance demands and find ease in social situations Express romantic interest and invite connection
It's possible to overcome your social anxiety, and it's possible to date without fear. Connection might be closer than you think.
—Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, Author of How to Be Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety
Discover how to overcome social anxiety and form genuine connections that are rooted in authentic self-confidence. This engaging, science-backed blueprint—written by a clinical psychologist—will help you understand your anxiety, work through it, and naturally connect.
Packed with proven strategies, personal stories, distilled research, and examples from his clinical practice, Dr. Thomas Smithyman leads you through the maze of dating-based social anxiety to help you discover the Warm Social World that awaits.
In Dating Without Fear, you will learn how
Unwind the beliefs that trigger social anxiety Reduce shame and overcome the fear of rejection Be seen and liked for who you truly are (flaws and all) Let go of worry, rumination, and overthinking Lower performance demands and find ease in social situations Express romantic interest and invite connection
It's possible to overcome your social anxiety, and it's possible to date without fear. Connection might be closer than you think.
232 pages, Kindle Edition
Published May 14, 2022
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
August 8, 2025
Erm so I have a boyfriend now
December 17, 2022
Pretty good even just for a general social anxiety self help book, doesn't just repeat the same thing the other SA books say and gives a good way of looking at socializing that I haven't gotten elsewhere.
June 25, 2024
(The English review is placed beneath the Russian one)
Главный плюс этой книги состоит в том, что автор коротко, но ёмко рассматривает основные проблемы, которые вызывают страх сделать первый шаг при знакомстве. К примеру, ощущение, что ты недостаточно интеллектуален, для знакомства с той или иной женщиной/мужчиной. Или наличие комплекса связанного с некими физическими характеристиками, как например «не тот нос» или наличие очков или кривизна зубов. Всё это также блокирует сделать первый шаг при знакомстве. Ну и, разумеется, автор затрагивает такой повсеместный вопрос, как страх получить отказ, т.е. что потенциальный партнёр может отказать. Каждый страх или каждый комплекс автор достаточно хорошо разрушает, развенчивает миф об идеальной ситуации, идеальном моменте и идеальном мужчине/женщине. Впрочем, ничего нового я для себя в этой книге не нашёл (многие моменты в книге самоочевидны & являются обычным здравым смыслом, но возможно для кого-то это будет ценным, чтобы кто-то озвучил этот самый здравый смысл).
The main advantage of this book is that the author briefly but succinctly addresses the main problems that cause fear of making the first step in dating. For example, the feeling that you are not intellectual enough to date this or that woman/man. Or the presence of a complex associated with certain physical characteristics, such as "wrong nose" or the presence of glasses or crooked teeth. All this also blocks to make the first step in dating. And, of course, the author touches upon such a ubiquitous issue as the fear of rejection, i.e., that a potential partner may refuse. Each fear or each complex the author destroys quite well, debunking the myth of an ideal situation, an ideal moment, and an ideal man/woman. However, I didn't find anything new for me in this book (many points in the book are self-evident & are common sense, but maybe for someone, it will be valuable for someone to voice this very common sense).
Главный плюс этой книги состоит в том, что автор коротко, но ёмко рассматривает основные проблемы, которые вызывают страх сделать первый шаг при знакомстве. К примеру, ощущение, что ты недостаточно интеллектуален, для знакомства с той или иной женщиной/мужчиной. Или наличие комплекса связанного с некими физическими характеристиками, как например «не тот нос» или наличие очков или кривизна зубов. Всё это также блокирует сделать первый шаг при знакомстве. Ну и, разумеется, автор затрагивает такой повсеместный вопрос, как страх получить отказ, т.е. что потенциальный партнёр может отказать. Каждый страх или каждый комплекс автор достаточно хорошо разрушает, развенчивает миф об идеальной ситуации, идеальном моменте и идеальном мужчине/женщине. Впрочем, ничего нового я для себя в этой книге не нашёл (многие моменты в книге самоочевидны & являются обычным здравым смыслом, но возможно для кого-то это будет ценным, чтобы кто-то озвучил этот самый здравый смысл).
The main advantage of this book is that the author briefly but succinctly addresses the main problems that cause fear of making the first step in dating. For example, the feeling that you are not intellectual enough to date this or that woman/man. Or the presence of a complex associated with certain physical characteristics, such as "wrong nose" or the presence of glasses or crooked teeth. All this also blocks to make the first step in dating. And, of course, the author touches upon such a ubiquitous issue as the fear of rejection, i.e., that a potential partner may refuse. Each fear or each complex the author destroys quite well, debunking the myth of an ideal situation, an ideal moment, and an ideal man/woman. However, I didn't find anything new for me in this book (many points in the book are self-evident & are common sense, but maybe for someone, it will be valuable for someone to voice this very common sense).
July 21, 2026
"Talking to random girls was the scariest thing I could imagine—a fate my anxious brain treated as akin to death—and yet, by day thirty in Harvard Square, I did it without feeling a hint of nerves. Her rejection bounced off my chest like a bullet off the Man of Steel."
"Connection is one of our most basic human needs, and we suffer intensely without it."
"Loneliness is as dangerous for your health as smoking cigarettes."
"Our default thought process—what we think about when nothing else is going on—is focused on our relationships."
"Therefore, it could actually make sense to have a rule where you only attempt to connect with people who trigger your dating anxiety. They’re the ones you’re actually interested in!"
"Imagine how much easier it would be to take social risks, reveal who you authentically are, and go after what you want if you knew that people are generally kind and empathetic?"
"I want you to drop the armor."
"Have you ever been so immersed in a movie that you completely lost yourself?"
"involuntary submission."
"As I radiated warmth and openness, people reflected that warmth and openness back to me."
"There’s a common adage I first heard from Eckhart Tolle that I think holds true: “Whatever we think the world is withholding from us, we are withholding from the world.”"
"I had to teach him the lightbulb model of conversations...If you let it, whatever the other person says will trigger a new thought or a lightbulb, so to speak."
"What people think of as weird behavior is often nothing more than self-focused anxiety."
"So let’s make a mediocre first impression."
"He was required to start conversations by being warm and boring."
"what if the thing people respond to isn’t the content of what we say, but the openness, warmth, and honesty that you convey in the process?"
"The higher your performance demands, the higher your anxiety."
"Some common safety behaviors are: Not revealing anything about yourself for fear of judgment. Stiffening your face and body to hide signs of nervousness. Only talking to safe people in social situations. Not asking questions. Trying to act confident. Avoiding eye contact. Speaking softly or quickly."
"Anxious people without safety behaviors are more likable."
"When people say “just be yourself” this is what they’re referring to: dropping your protective behaviors."
"Stop Hiding Your Flaws. What I’m suggesting here likely flies in the face of every piece of dating advice you’ve come across. Rather than trying to use surface tricks, tips, and hacks, we’re about to tackle dating anxiety on a deep level."
"When we think we’re reading someone’s mind, we are merely reading our own thoughts and projecting them onto others."
"People Like Openness More Than They Dislike Flaws."
"If you don’t smile, you’ll find it exceedingly difficult to connect with anybody, especially romantically."
"It’s so much less stressful and anxiety-provoking to interact with people honestly and openly."
"The saddest part is that self-protection prevents us from learning the deepest lesson of all, and the one at the heart of all our suffering: we are good enough and we are lovable as we are, flaws and all."
"how being more obvious with romantic interest helps to escalate reciprocation."
"Common Ways of Hiding Attraction...Looking at the person you like, then quickly looking away if they make eye contact. Deliberately not talking to the person you find attractive. Trying to seem like you’re only platonically interested in someone. Not smiling or making eye contact with them as much as you naturally want to. Clamping down on your behavior so they can’t tell you’re interested. Waiting for the other person to show they like you first. Not making jokes, touching, or other overt displays of interest. Not investing extra attention into them. Not following up or asking out. Waiting until you’re certain of acceptance before taking any pro-social risks. Waiting for them to kiss you first or make the first move."
"you need both of them for attraction to occur: capacity and willingness...In other words, how willing are you to invest in one person, or to treat that one person well, as opposed to someone else?"
"The Four Stages of Flirtation...Consider why people flirt: it allows us to show interest without being obvious or getting rejected. Flirtation gives you both plausible deniability."
"Showing Interest Lowers Anxiety"
"The vast majority of people want to be nice, even if they’re rejecting you."
"In fact, it’s so nice that we could stop calling it “rejection” and instead call it an “absence of attraction” and it’d be just as accurate."
"The single most effective rejection coping method is social support."
"The True Meaning of Self-Confidence...faithful to your beliefs."
"The more interactions you have, the more successful you’ll be in dating."
"Without realizing it, rejection month had propelled me into the Warm Social World. I was entering something I call “affiliation mode.”"
"lonely individuals think about and behave towards others in a way that tends to reinforce an isolated existence"
"the Matthew Effect: the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer."
"Who are you? What are you looking for?"
"Connection is one of our most basic human needs, and we suffer intensely without it."
"Loneliness is as dangerous for your health as smoking cigarettes."
"Our default thought process—what we think about when nothing else is going on—is focused on our relationships."
"Therefore, it could actually make sense to have a rule where you only attempt to connect with people who trigger your dating anxiety. They’re the ones you’re actually interested in!"
"Imagine how much easier it would be to take social risks, reveal who you authentically are, and go after what you want if you knew that people are generally kind and empathetic?"
"I want you to drop the armor."
"Have you ever been so immersed in a movie that you completely lost yourself?"
"involuntary submission."
"As I radiated warmth and openness, people reflected that warmth and openness back to me."
"There’s a common adage I first heard from Eckhart Tolle that I think holds true: “Whatever we think the world is withholding from us, we are withholding from the world.”"
"I had to teach him the lightbulb model of conversations...If you let it, whatever the other person says will trigger a new thought or a lightbulb, so to speak."
"What people think of as weird behavior is often nothing more than self-focused anxiety."
"So let’s make a mediocre first impression."
"He was required to start conversations by being warm and boring."
"what if the thing people respond to isn’t the content of what we say, but the openness, warmth, and honesty that you convey in the process?"
"The higher your performance demands, the higher your anxiety."
"Some common safety behaviors are: Not revealing anything about yourself for fear of judgment. Stiffening your face and body to hide signs of nervousness. Only talking to safe people in social situations. Not asking questions. Trying to act confident. Avoiding eye contact. Speaking softly or quickly."
"Anxious people without safety behaviors are more likable."
"When people say “just be yourself” this is what they’re referring to: dropping your protective behaviors."
"Stop Hiding Your Flaws. What I’m suggesting here likely flies in the face of every piece of dating advice you’ve come across. Rather than trying to use surface tricks, tips, and hacks, we’re about to tackle dating anxiety on a deep level."
"When we think we’re reading someone’s mind, we are merely reading our own thoughts and projecting them onto others."
"People Like Openness More Than They Dislike Flaws."
"If you don’t smile, you’ll find it exceedingly difficult to connect with anybody, especially romantically."
"It’s so much less stressful and anxiety-provoking to interact with people honestly and openly."
"The saddest part is that self-protection prevents us from learning the deepest lesson of all, and the one at the heart of all our suffering: we are good enough and we are lovable as we are, flaws and all."
"how being more obvious with romantic interest helps to escalate reciprocation."
"Common Ways of Hiding Attraction...Looking at the person you like, then quickly looking away if they make eye contact. Deliberately not talking to the person you find attractive. Trying to seem like you’re only platonically interested in someone. Not smiling or making eye contact with them as much as you naturally want to. Clamping down on your behavior so they can’t tell you’re interested. Waiting for the other person to show they like you first. Not making jokes, touching, or other overt displays of interest. Not investing extra attention into them. Not following up or asking out. Waiting until you’re certain of acceptance before taking any pro-social risks. Waiting for them to kiss you first or make the first move."
"you need both of them for attraction to occur: capacity and willingness...In other words, how willing are you to invest in one person, or to treat that one person well, as opposed to someone else?"
"The Four Stages of Flirtation...Consider why people flirt: it allows us to show interest without being obvious or getting rejected. Flirtation gives you both plausible deniability."
"Showing Interest Lowers Anxiety"
"The vast majority of people want to be nice, even if they’re rejecting you."
"In fact, it’s so nice that we could stop calling it “rejection” and instead call it an “absence of attraction” and it’d be just as accurate."
"The single most effective rejection coping method is social support."
"The True Meaning of Self-Confidence...faithful to your beliefs."
"The more interactions you have, the more successful you’ll be in dating."
"Without realizing it, rejection month had propelled me into the Warm Social World. I was entering something I call “affiliation mode.”"
"lonely individuals think about and behave towards others in a way that tends to reinforce an isolated existence"
"the Matthew Effect: the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer."
"Who are you? What are you looking for?"
October 8, 2025
Quite self-helpy, but it did give me some great insights.
October 26, 2025
I really liked it. I listened to it as an audiobook so idk if it would've been able to finish it in paperback but I'm glad I picked it up because it taught me a lot about social anxiety and also gave me insight on how badly dating anxiety affects some people. I picked up this book because I found the title intruiging, not because dating anxiety was a straining problem of mine that I was trying to resolve, but I feel as though after reading it, I feel more open to approaching people in general, whether romatic or not. I especially liked the authors personal experience with rejection therapy and exposure therapy. It can be preachy at times though but when are these sort of books not? I liked it! Reccomend.
April 30, 2026
Parece como si este libro hubiera sido escrito específicamente para mí. Desde que tengo memoria he tenido que lidiar mucho con ansiedad generalizada, y específicamente, socializar me ha costado mucho trabajo. La parte romántica es una que a la fecha me cuesta mucho trabajo, pero este libro se sintió como una mano amable que ofrece una alternativa. Me gusta porque no es en ningún momento de 'coaching'; está escrito por un psicólogo clínico que se aproxima al tema de una forma bastante racional, y a la vez, comprensiva.
A diferencia de otras reseñas, no podría decir que "ya me produjo resultados", pues lo leí completo en 4 días, y no he tenido oportunidad de "poner en práctica" lo que dice, pero mientras escribo esta reseña, me siento feliz y motivado.
Muy recomendado.
A diferencia de otras reseñas, no podría decir que "ya me produjo resultados", pues lo leí completo en 4 días, y no he tenido oportunidad de "poner en práctica" lo que dice, pero mientras escribo esta reseña, me siento feliz y motivado.
Muy recomendado.
April 3, 2026
It was a big trigger for me when I read "My Most Dangerous Experiment: Rejection Month" I felt an awful taste in my mouth because I read that sort of paragraph in every social phobia therapy book, build confidence even my own CBT therapy" I hate this from the core.
Than I read a bit more which made me more uncomfortable because the sentences used in this book are no different than any other social phobia therapy book I read before.
I ask myself do we all want the same thing as this book suggested or maybe we all want the same thing but a version of it which fits with our idea of it.
Than I read a bit more which made me more uncomfortable because the sentences used in this book are no different than any other social phobia therapy book I read before.
I ask myself do we all want the same thing as this book suggested or maybe we all want the same thing but a version of it which fits with our idea of it.
September 6, 2025
Enjoyed this read. Initially picked it up because I thought the title was amusing, but wasn’t expecting much. However, the book was well-written, with simple concepts explained with very simple examples and anecdotes. I liked that the book backed up the statements with published work at the end of each chapter. Discusses the warm social world beyond the dating anxiety and how people need to be more open, focus on the other person, be themselves and be less threat focused and more collaborative. Good, quick read!
April 6, 2026
Great book that sits at the intersection of social anxiety and dating advice. I really liked the idea of “Warm Social World” - it is a feeling I have experienced but couldn’t really put into words. It was really cool to find a book that talks about it.
I also really liked the authenticity-focused approach to dating.
I also really liked the authenticity-focused approach to dating.
October 9, 2025
good, practical and recognizable book. love his writing style
October 17, 2025
Found this book at the right time.
I feel I'm at the beginning of his journey: the random little experiments phase.
Honestly, very informative book. Makes you think. Would recommend.
I feel I'm at the beginning of his journey: the random little experiments phase.
Honestly, very informative book. Makes you think. Would recommend.
May 19, 2026
one of the best book on this topic.
January 23, 2026
good deal.
March 30, 2026
Wahrscheinlich eines der besten Datingbücher überhaupt!
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews