Two Queen Annes

by Lozania Prole

good reading copy - --- pb-----1973--- cover /very good/--text//clean//mild tanning----ships quick---skuaa88

Hardcover

Published March 1, 1971

About the author

Pseudonym of Ursula Bloom

Reviews

[Stephanie · Rating 2 out of 5]

The best part of this book was Anne of Cleves's doggy-bag

[Kara · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is… not great. Ok, I’ll say it. This is a bad book. After chapter one I sat there trying to decide whether or not to just toss the book aside, it was so bad. But then I decided, no, I would persevere, I would read this, and I would read it critically and analytically through the lens of a case study in what NOT to do – and learn from it.

My resolve, however, was tested when I reached page 128 of the used paperback edition I was reading. There was a glossy full color, two sided page insert ad for “Kent Cigarettes”, boasting of “micronite filters.” (Whatever the heck that is.) This edition was printed in 1973, and, sure, times were different back then, but still, this is the first time I have ever seen a book with a sudden, random ad stuck in the middle.

I finally just laughed at the whole surreal, Tarantino-ness if it, and pushed on.

So, my findings:

There is a lot wrong here both on a historical level and on a writing level.

History –

• The entire Tudor family (including Henry VII !!!) did NOT have syphilis.
• Princess Mary was considered quite pretty when she was young (the author again and again describes this poor teenager as ugly as sin).
• Anne Boleyn did NOT have an extra thumb on each hand. (I mean, what the actual F)
• Mary Boleyn had at most four sexual partners, more likely just three (and two of them legitimate husbands). Here she practically has a revolving door installed in her bedroom, taking so many men to her bed that even Empress Messalina would be like, ‘wow girl, pace yourself.’
• Catherine of Aragon famously never complained about Henry’s affairs. Let alone: “pleaded and wept until she sank down to the common upbraiding of an ordinary woman from the back alley of the city.” I can’t even.
• The book skips the famous trip to Calais and meeting with the king of France, so here Henry and Anne finally consummate their relationship just on some random Christmas, with no sense of the political build up.
• The dates are all wrong all over the place – the biggest one being Catherine dying a full year before Anne’s last miscarriage.
• When Anne Boleyn was executed she was not “thrust into the waiting coffin,” but, insult to injury, was left lying on the ground for a while until someone could come up with a makeshift one out of an arrow chest. Its such an odd detail to get wrong, considering how well known it is.
• And Anne of Cleves …. I don’t even know where to begin. Lets just say everything Prole writes here is wrong – that will cover it.

Writing –

The story starts off with a massive info dump of everything that will happen to all the characters, oddly explaining for about a chapter in a sort of textbook style everyone’s biographies. Then, when the actual “story” begins, the characters are all portrayed as flat and wooden. We really don’t get into anyone’s head – it’s more of that bio info style. But its still fiction, so sometimes we get people’s motives – but sometimes the narrative says, “she must have felt” or “he probably felt” which is jarring description that takes you out of the story.

There are lots of exclamation marks!!! And characters speaking in ALL CAPS TO SHOW EMOTION. The narration at one point is so simple that when Elizabeth is born the description is: “His second daughter was a big disappointment,” which reads like something from a 7th grade paper on Henry VIII.

This book is a mess – thank God it was only 190 pages!