The Lives We Actually Have: 100 Blessings for Imperfect Days

by Kate Bowler, Jessica Richie

Warm and witty blessings found within the struggles of our shared humanity, from the New York Times bestselling authors of Good Enough

Blessed are you, the strange duck.
You with the very intense hobbies.
Or the collection of movies or mugs or sneakers.
You with the hometown or home team that makes you very, very proud.
You, my dear, in all your intricacies . . . are a marvel.

We live in a world that demands relentless perfection. Happy marriages and easy friendships. Bucket list-level adventures and matching family photos. But what if our actual lives don't feel very #blessed? Might our everyday existence be worthy of a blessing too? Even an average Tuesday?

Kate Bowler and Jessica Richie offer creative, faith-based blessings that center gratitude and hope while acknowledging our real, messy lives. Formatted like a prayer book, The Lives We Actually Have is an oasis and a landing spot for weary souls, with blessings that focus on the full range of human moments: garbage days, lovely days, grief-stricken days, and even (especially) completely ordinary days. These heartfelt blessings are a chance to exhale when we feel everything from careworn to restless, devastated to bored. Let's have a reminder that we don't need to wait for perfect lives when we can bless the lives we actually have.

Genres: Nonfiction, Faith, Poetry, Christian, Spirituality, Religion, Prayer

256 pages, Hardcover

First published February 14, 2023

About the author

Kate Bowler, PhD is a New York Times bestselling author, podcast host, and a professor at Duke University. She studies the cultural stories we tell ourselves about success, suffering, and whether (or not) we’re capable of change. She is the author of Blessed: A History of the American Prosperity Gospel and The Preacher’s Wife: The Precarious Power of Evangelical Women Celebrities.

After being unexpectedly diagnosed with Stage IV cancer at age 35, she penned the New York Times bestselling memoir, Everything Happens for a Reason (and Other Lies I’ve Loved) and her latest, No Cure For Being Human (and Other Truths I Need to Hear). Kate hosts the Everything Happens podcast where, in warm, insightful, often funny conversations, she talks with people like Malcolm Gladwell and Anne Lamott about what they’ve learned in difficult times. She lives in Durham, North Carolina with her family and continues to teach do-gooders at Duke Divinity School.

Reviews

[Richard Propes · Rating 5 out of 5]

I began reading "The Lives We Actually Have: 100 Blessings for Imperfect Days" a day or two after my latest surgery and wrapped it up about 24 hours away from when I will gather with my physician to discuss biopsy results that will determine the course of my healthcare journey over the next few days, weeks, and months.

As someone who has lived far longer than anyone has ever expected with spina bifida, medical care has long been at the forefront of every decision I make whether it's where I work (or even whether or not I do work), who I date/marry, determining if the places I go are wheelchair friendly, whether or not I need physical care or assistance, how I serve in ministry, and many other life decisions big and small.

I've long resonated with the work of Kate Bowler, a Canadian academic and writer who currently serves as an associate professor of the history of Christianity in North America at Duke Divinity School. Bowler's breakout came with the remarkable "Blessed: A History of the American Prosperity Gospel," one step in the journey toward the academic world that was unsurprising given her growing up in a highly academic world. It is a world that Bowler continues to exist in, of course, but the life that Bowler actually has had, at least it would seem, veered her toward a life of ministry grounded deeply within this framework of honoring both the darkness and the blessing of the lives we actually live.

For Bowler, this began to manifest following her 2015 diagnosis with Stage IV cancer despite there being no family history of cancer. "Everything Happens for a Reason (and Other Lives I've Loved)" was published in 2018 gave us, in many ways, the fiercely intelligent and funny and insightful Bowler that we love. Suddenly, it felt as if we had ourselves a spiritual companion for the imperfect days and someone who reminded us that our imperfections do not change who we are in Christ.

Working alongside "Good Enough" co-author and the executive producer for her podcast "Everything Happens" Jessica Ritchie, Bowler has crafted a gentle and affirming book of blessings for those of us whose lives aren't so much good or bad but simply ordinary. "The Lives We Actually Have" is richly grounded theologically, however, it's also accessible in its language and understanding that daily life is messy and real and happy and sad and tragic and exhilarating.

Sometimes, all on the same day.

While having some understanding of Bowler's journey may very well increase one's appreciation for "The Lives We Actually Have," this is a book of simple prayers and blessings offer a chance to exhale amidst the certainties and uncertainties of life. Each blessing includes quotes or scriptures or both, intellectual insights (my guess is Bowler can never completely shut off that brilliant mind of hers) that provide a thread of reason and thought amidst Bowler's honesty, transparency, and authenticity.

As someone who grew up in an unstable home, I resonated deeply with "The Lives We Actually Have." As someone who experienced sexual abuse early in life and sexual violence as a young adult paraplegic/double amputee trying to figure out independent life, I resonated deeply with "The Lives We Actually Have." As someone who married impulsively because I thought I'd found someone who would love me "as is" only to watch her end her own life and that of our daughter, my entire being resonated with "The Lives We Actually Have."

As someone who learned how to be the person I needed in those younger years, I rejoiced with "The Lives We Actually Have." As someone who became an activist determined to end violence in the lives of children, my heart celebrated the glory of imperfection and scars and wounds evident in "The Lives We Actually Have." As someone whose body is imperfect and messy and often needs assistance, I found safety and blessing in "The Lives We Actually Have."

In short, the fullness of all that I am and all that I surrender to God every single day of my life found a home in "The Lives We Actually Have" and made me feel like maybe, just maybe, this square peg in the round hole of Christianity really does belong even on those days when I feel disconnected from the whole of existence.

"We don't need to wait for perfect lives when we can bless the lives that we have," Kate Bowler and Jessica Ritchie.

Indeed.

[Eline Pullen · Rating 5 out of 5]

A gem of a book! To be honest, when I picked it up I was a bit skeptical: I was expecting some sort of prayer diary. Soon this book proved otherwise. It is steeped in beauty and written with finesse and feeling.

The blessings touch all kind of moments in your life in a gentle and honest way. Moments for which you usually have no words, but are loaded with feelings. Moments that you would rather sweep under the carpet because they aren’t pleasant or cozy. This book pays attention to precisely those moments, gives words to the situations that my head often describes as ‘not worthy to remember’, it makes me feel seen. I feel heard by reading these words.

I would like to have this book on my table and pick it up daily. Wanting to whisper or recite the words to people in my life who are navigating the situations described. Tear pages from this book and send them in letters to loved ones. A beautiful collection of contemporary blessings.

Big thanks to NetGalley for giving me an advanced readers copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you NetGalley for this ARC. This is a book of blessings that you may want I read from cover to cover but I encourage you to savor it slowly. Find your favorites and dog ear the pages so you can return to the encouragement and prayers again and again. I marked a lot of favorites and will definitely purchase a physical copy. I loved the depth expressed in these prayers. Each one is meaningful and the organization of the book makes it so the reader can flip to what may speak to them in different life moments. I highly recommend!

[Virginia · Rating 3 out of 5]

So when gratitude feels impossible,
may I learn to compress my attention
so narrow as to find the smallest hopes.
Not as a formula to quiet the wrongs,
but as a practice of finding
any crumbs of joy
now visible on the kitchen floor.
- from "For this garbage day"

I’ve always avoided treacly, uber-religious devotionals out of an intense hatred for their patronising, self-congratulatory content (here’s a little homily about my perfect family, read this scripture and say this prayer and you could be just like us) so I was quite happy to thumb through this one when it landed in my lap. I love the page titles (For when you’re feeling grouchy, For when you thought you would feel different by now, For an unfinishable day) since they’re a whole lot more applicable to real people leading real lives. This isn't a must-have for me but I'd certainly give it as a gift to someone who needed it. 3 stars.

[Kelsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely beautiful and deeply helpful.

[Belle · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don’t want to be blessed THIS much.

I LOVE Kate Bowler.

This was just TOO MANY blessings all at once.

[Hannah Brigmon · Rating 5 out of 5]

think “every moment holy” but it was written by a friend in a much more casual, relatable, and digestible way

with the occasional, and relatable, “damn” thrown in

5 stars !!! Will be reading these prayers over and over and over

[Katie Moran · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am beyond grateful for this book. I am grateful for Kate Bowler and Jessica Richie who write with such eloquence. I must return this book to the library and I feel guilty because a few pages are marred by tear stains, yet I hope that the next person who reads it will see them and know that what they read on the page had meaning for another, as I hope it has meaning for them too. This book feels like you’ve been seen, like you’ve been hugged, in the most gentlest way. I will be purchasing this book and making it a permanent addition to my treasured bookshelf but I will also share it with all who might need to be reminded that there are indeed blessings in and for our imperfect days.

[Alyssa Yoder · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am a liturgy nerd, and so I enjoyed this book and wouldn't mind owning it. I particularly appreciated how many prayers it contained for hard days. But I'm taking off some points because it just wasn't as rich, poetic, and moving as several other liturgy books I've read.

[Tracie Gutknecht · Rating 5 out of 5]

Non-fiction - Christian

Another stunner!

Part self-help, part poetry, part devotional, but mostly religious prayer, The Lives We Actually Have creates 100 blessings for imperfect days.

The authors define a blessing as a form of poetry that calls on God and stirs up the hearts of its listeners. The act of blessing is the strange and vital work of noticing what is true about God and ourselves.

So many of the blessings speak to me and the authors encourage the reader to use the table of contents as a guide to search for one that speaks to you on any given day. Although, there are some that are directly written for Lent and Advent.

This one spoke to me today:

for this beautiful,
limited day
_____________________
Blessed are we who see the impossibility
of solving today.
It can't be done.

God, there are lists on lists
and errands on errands
and a taste, like tin in my mouth,
of the unfinishedness of my life.

Am I counting items
instead of knowing what counts?

God, help me live here,
seeing the whole truth of what is.

Blessed are we who walk toward the discomfort,
bringing what gifts we have,
and our sufferings too,
whether of illness or loss,
grief or betrayal,
confusion or powerlessness.

Blessed are we who scoot up close
so we can whisper our loves, our fears,
all that feels too heavy to carry alone,
and all that we wish we could hold onto for longer.

Show me what I love.
Show me what I never want to lose.
Show me what I no longer need
here in this beautiful, limited day.

Gorgeous! After reading Good Enough last year, I will never not read Kate Bowler.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for my ARC of this book.

[Christina Caldwell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really love books on prayer and liturgy for the soul-moving poetry that most include so I was excited to pick this one up. It has some really beautiful prayers like “For When Hope Seems Lost” and some that were just ok. I felt some of them were so profound but then lost their beauty and poetic flair when the authors closed them with witty (or not so witty) quips like, “And while you’re at it, God, pencil us in for tomorrow too”. Did that have to ruin the beauty of the blessing? No. But did it ruin it for me…yeah. I still enjoyed it but there are other prayer books that I prefer much more.

[As You Wish · Rating 5 out of 5]

This a beautiful collection of prayers or blessings for our non-Instagrammable lives. And I love it. I've been listening to her podcast, Everything Happens, and this hits the same notes for me. It's being seen in my life and knowing that there's a force greater than me in the world, and everything's going to be okay even if it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to. And that's some powerful medicine in this world, in this time.

[Larissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is very unique. The Lives We Actually Have by Kate Bowler is daily blessings for your actual life, not the one we imagine we should be living. It’s a collection of 100 blessings that meet you where you are, whether that’s in joy, frustration, grief, or exhaustion!

Wise, tender words for the beautiful and broken moments we all face…there’s something in here that feels like a balm. I have pages I have snapped images of pages and sent to a friend as the messages are so spot on sometimes like “caring for aging parents”, and “for all the firsts without a loved one” . So spot on and messages that speak from and to the heart!

[Mindy Christianson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been slowly enjoying this book - it's certainly not meant to be read all at once! There are prayers and meditations for all sorts of situations. It would be a great book to keep at your bedside or to read with morning coffee. The language is lovely and accessible.
Thank you to the publisher for the ARC.

[Keith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was exactly what i needed. A well-versed daily reading of poetry that has a very sober reflection on the reality of both the joys and disappointments of life. These reflections resonate and help one to move toward acceptance even while believing God is at work in both the difficult and mundane. Yet, the writings also allow one to both accept and embrace that life is less than what we'd hoped for at times, if not often times, while still having an incredibly redeeming quality.

[Katelyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

4⭐️
This a really beautifully written collection of Christian blessings. I was listening to the audiobook for free when I decided to purchase the hard copy (and send a copy to a friend who is going through some really challenging circumstances at present). I intend to keep this at my bedside table and come back to it often. The prayers within are beautiful and raw. And on a practical note, I love how the book is organized for easy future use and reference.

[Keely · Rating 5 out of 5]

In The Lives We Actually Have, Bowler and Ritchie offer blessings for every kind of feeling, from grumpiness, to grieving, to overwhelm, to feeling like your work doesn't matter. It's a book for the things in life that you can't fix, but that you can notice, bless, and learn to sit with. The blessings are conversationally written, with occasional poetic turns of phrase, humor, and plenty of relevance for our lives in 2023. They come from a Christian faith tradition, but there's range within them. Some of the blessings are more generally spiritual, less Christian-specific. I found myself sending several of them to my daughter as she finished up her college year and studied for finals, and she found them encouraging. The authors suggest jumping around in the book, going to the specific blessing you need on a particular day, and I'd like to buy a copy for that purpose. But while I had a copy from the library, I read it straight through. A little like drinking from a fire hose, but the writing is so good, it's meaningful and enjoyable to take it in this way too.

[Terri Milstead · Rating 5 out of 5]

Can’t say enough good things about this book. I listened to the audiobook but quickly ordered not one, not two, not three, but four hardbacks (and may order more).

Note to Taylor, Dawn, and Liz: do not buy this book for yourselves ;-)

[Beki Eikum · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book of blessings, or prayers, for different days or seasons or feelings. I listened as an audiobook and found myself mmhmming in agreement and appreciation. I like how she verbalizes the deep things with honesty and hope. There is no shying away from the brutality of life while still being a person of faith.

I might have to buy 3 copies because I want one and there are two people I need to give it to.

[Bailey Cowen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just so lovely and needed. So many good blessings for so many real days and feelings

[Cara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was exactly what I needed when I needed it.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Relatable and lovely blessings. Will keep this on my nightstand for myself and to send to others. Love Bowler’s wit and outlook on Christianity and human-ness.

[Erin Mahmood · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was lovely. Blessing steeped in the Christian faith, but not without recognition of the reality of the real complications of life. It is one to keep on the shelf for when you need a quick read to pick you up during hard times.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to this on audio and as soon as I was done I purchased the book. I can’t think of anyone this book can’t speak to. No matter who you are, where you’ve been in life, or what your future looks like there is a prayer in here that will reflect your circumstances and bring hope and light to your heart. Highly recommend if you need a daily dose of encouragement and validation.

[Kristina Hurd · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so beautiful and encouraging.

5 stars - will it be a present I give to everyone from now until forever? Probably.

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

It takes a lot for me to love a book of prayers. These are tender and sacred, and I will read and reread this book for decades.

[Loretta · Rating 4 out of 5]

A awesome collection of blessings to refer to over and over and to share with or send to family or friends. Whenever I am struggling to find the words to express thoughts or feelings I'm having for myself or others, I check the contents list and usually finding a blessing that speaks to me and soothes my soul.

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for an ARC in exchange for my honest review.

[Rachael · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thanks to NetGalley for the e-ARC. This is a gorgeous collection of blessings that can be used at any time throughout the year, but with helpful guides to use through Lent or Advent. The writing is gorgeous and the message is both comforting and challenging.

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

Keeping these blessings here to write out for loved ones.

Blessing 41: For this Overwhelming Day
"God, I'm trying to juggle to much, but I don't know what else to do or who else will keep everything in the air, if not for me. Blessed are we who say 'Jesus, I'm taking you at Your word. I am coming to you just as I am. Burnt out. Craving rest. But still tempted to keep going like I always do, propelled from one task to the next as if the earth spins because I do. But I know, deep down, that this unsustainable.' Blessed are we, quietly closing the door, willing to fold ourselves into this present moment. Slow me down, God. Place your hand upon me and steady the racing of my heart. Take this weight from shoulders and pry these to-dos from my fingers. Deepen my breath and still my mind so that I can remember whose hands really do keep the stars hung in space. I know, by my body's limits and the clock's relentless ticking, that not everything has to be done and not everything has to be done by me. Blessed am I beginning to recognize that my edges as well as my gifts can shape the natural contours of what is mine to hold and mine to do. God will take care of all that you can't, dear one, and you, too."

Blessing 44: For Caregivers
"Blessed are we for whom the call to loving action is still strong, whose every urge is to keep going, keep working and not to count the cost. And yet, blessed are we, beginning to notice that we are slowing down inexplicably or just pausing, staring for no reason, or starting something but then quickly turning to another demand. We who realize that we are beginning to lose the thread. Blessed are we who say, 'I really can't keep going like this. At this pace. Under this weight. And the momentum is so strong. God, come and be the hands that sit me down and keep me there long enough for me to really feel what I feel and know what I know. Come and be the wisdom to find that the community is broad enough, kind enough, effective enough to meet the needs that are here. Both mine and theirs. Come and be the peace that frees me to let my hands lie gently open awhile. The grace to just receive. Seek the rest you need and a little bit more. And breathe."

Blessing 47: For When the Road is Long
The Lord says, "Stand at the crossroads and look. Ask for the ancient paths. Ask where the good way is and walk in it. (Jeremiah 6:16) Fear not for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you. (Isaiah 41:10) Sometimes when we feel lost, floating outside of what we know, who we wanted to be and where we wanted to be, it's tempting to feel small and wonder, "Maybe. Maybe I should just shut this down a bit. Maybe no one needs to hear from me. Maybe that's enough for now. Oh, God, I could not have imagined that this road could be so long and so hard and so daunting. Yet, here I am, worn out body and soul. I feel exposed, vulnerable, outside of what should be normal. Oh God, I don't know what to do to make this lighter, easier, or go by any faster. Help." Blessed are we, the downtrodden, who must set aside what we are carrying and begin to feel only the weight of our own being. It is enough for now. Let our shoulders sink from around our ears, our breath grow longer and deeper. Taking a minute to notice the way our diaphragm rises and falls without us telling it to. Blessed are we who cannot go on. Not like this. But stand and look and ask which is the good way to walk in? Is there an easier route? Blessed are we who listen for the voice that is both thunder and softest rain. Blessed are we at the point of utter stillness that becomes an empty space for that voice to echo and build and resound until it becomes a place to rest and receive and be made whole. And oh, how blest are we who are astonished to find that God's strength begins at the very point when ours runs out.

Blessing 74: For Those Who Keep Watch Over the Sick
Sometimes love alone isn't enough. You can't save them, save us, save the life we had together. We are finite and so much is out of our control. So bless the ones with the courage to walk all the way to the edge, who peer over the cliff and feel the updraft of the abyss and who will do it all over again tomorrow. Blessed are the hospital room organizers and question askers and the "more ice chips, please" gatherers. The "Absolutely, yes. This hard-backed chair is perfectly comfortable as sleepers" and over-the-top prayers and weekly infusion companioners. Blessed are the cool cloth bringers and the "wake up to get the meds" alarmists and the "I don't mind taking you to the bathroom" carriers guarding others from their own humiliation. Blessed are the ones who stand unblinking into the truth no matter how terrifying. No matter how life altering. No matter how inconvenient or unbecoming. No matter how much it costs them. Because that is the kind of love that sticks. Blessed are the hand-holders and truth-carriers, for they will walk us to the end before they have to let go.

[Christina Brandsma · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful.

On my last day of work, Heather prayed the blessing for beginnings and endings over me and I have grasped those words so tight ever since. As soon as the library allowed, I got my hands on this whole book and in addition to re-reading the blessing that first introduced me to this book, I have gone through each other prayer and felt so held in these words.

The Spirit Himself intercedes with groanings which cannot be uttered and Kate Bowler has shared her words to help me name those groanings.

I have enjoyed the occasional Every Moment Holy prayers when others have read them, but these felt even more accessible. If Every Moment Holy is your smart, eloquent, holy friend's prayers, The Lives We Actually Have is your most down-to-earth, straight-forward friend's prayers. Equally beautiful, equally true, but there's a little more grit to these that made them feel more relatable to me in this messy season.

I can't wait to own this and re-read these blessings on the days that feel hardest to bless.

Here are excerpts from my favorite 4 blessings:

Blessing 7: Blessed are you who wonder if you'll ever find your vocation, you who desire to be part of the solution to the world's pain. May God nudge you in exactly the right direction where your gifts meet great need.

Blessing 64: Complaining is completely underrated. How else can I be honest? Every frustration has me spinning and the sheer volume and timing of each new problem has me convinced this is a conspiracy.

Blessing 65: I'm not nearly the person I thought I'd be and this life is not what I would have picked. Blessed are we who say, "God, I have come to the end of my self-improvement. Some things are simply not possible, but even so, give me tasks to do. Let me play a part in what lovely work might yet be. Show me how goodness grows in the body that I now inhabit, within the walls of circumstance, in these short years and finite strength and with these eyes that see only so far..."

Blessing 83: And we find ourselves here once again at the precipice of change. Afraid to let go, and afraid of what will happen if we don't. Might this be a place of blessing too? Blessed are we standing in the hallway between closed doors and ones still to come, between the old and the new, between the worn-in and the doesn't-quite-yet-fit, between who we were and who we might become...Blessed are we who trust this timing, and who open our hearts anew to change, to new friends, to hope. Nervous, maybe heavy-hearted, but brimming with gratitude for a life so beautiful that it hurts to say goodbye.