Overthinking About You: Dating with Anxiety, OCD, and Depression

by Allison Raskin

Dating is hard—but when you live with anxiety, OCD, and/or depression, dating can feel like a minefield. At last, a book that focuses solely on mental health and dating—an intersection that demands attention, given that one in five Americans will experience a mental illness in a given year. Overthinking About You is a memoir-driven self-help book that explores the complex connection between brain and heart. Allison Raskin, a New York Times bestselling author, actress, director, and cocreator of the YouTube comedy channel and podcast Just Between Us, uses her funny, raw, no-holds-barred voice to share her dating history during the highs and lows of her mental health journey, weaving in prescriptive, accessible advice from licensed psychotherapists and other experts. The result is an engaging, useful, and relatable read for anyone whose mental health has gotten in the way of successful romantic relationships.
 

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Psychology, Audiobook, Relationships, Memoir

Audiobook

Published May 2, 2022

About the author

Allison Raskin is a New York Times bestselling author, relationship coach and a leading voice in mental health advocacy, in addition to being an accomplished screenwriter and content creator. She co-hosts the popular podcast Just Between Us and created the Emotional Support Lady Instagram and Substack. She also holds a master’s degree in psychology from Pepperdine University and a BFA in screenwriting from USC.

Reviews

[Melany · Rating 4 out of 5]

Okay let's be honest, I haven't been on a date in 2 years since becoming single. I can guarantee majority of the reason is due to the anxiety around dating again and relationships as a whole. This book gave me alot of encouraging insight. I believe the author put in some touchy subjects but her transparency about them truly made me enjoy this book even more. I think after reading this, I'm more confident and understanding to my anxiety to be actually able to try dating sometime in the future! Good book for those suffering with helpful insight.

This ARC was given to me from NetGalley to read and review and give my personal opinions on this book. All statements above are my own and based solely on my own opinions after reading the book.

[Nicole Wagner · Rating 4 out of 5]

I could have used this advice earlier in my life. I realize I've been a serial monogamist, and having a safe person has been part of my identity ever since I can remember, since before sex was a concept in my life. I'm fortunate to have found a suitable, supportive, wonderful partner to make a family with, but I'd recommend this book to any of my peers who's still looking or who has baggage built up around dating, relationships, or past breakups.

The longest relationship you have is the one you have with yourself. You want to make sure it is one full of love, respect, and compassion. (How can you expect someone to understand you and anticipate your reactions if you can't do the same for yourself?) It's your job to listen to what your mind is telling you and decide if it's actually a fact or just a thought. You can only control your behavior. You can't control your thoughts. Be kind. Create space between stimulus and response. These are basic truths we must acknowledge before we're able to support a healthy relationship in our lives.

Sometimes your anxiety is healthy, when it is expressing your wisdom and directing you to healthier things. That said, if you have an open wound, someone only needs to flick you for the pain to be excruciating. Time heals all wounds if you're doing things that make you healthier. Time isn't enough.

This book really focuses on new relationships without commitments like marriage, kids, mortgage. It advises that the dynamics you establish at the beginning of the relationship will most likely continue throughout the relationship--so true and so misunderstood.

That said, so much of this advice is great for established relationships, too:

You and your partner are a team! If you look at them as your adversary, you're only attacking yourself. What's good for them is good for you because you're a team.

If people are struggling and in conflict more often than they're feeling comforted, stronger, and better because of the relationship, that would be a signal of an unhealthy relationship. Are you able to pursue the things that you're interested in? Are you supported in those things? ...In healthy relationships it's not that there's no conflict or struggle; it's more that there's a sense of learning how to recover from conflict and growing closer to each other as you navigate struggles. Take what serves you and leave behind the rest if you have to end it, which is your right.

Imagine if we all collectively focused on gaining self-confidence instead of losing fat cells? <--a truth bomb I was thrilled to read here! Indeed!

Regarding my old breakups: I don't beat myself up. You can't regret not taking opportunities that weren't given. I want to be my protector, not my enemy, just like the author. We all think we're the main character in our dramas, but at times maybe we're not and we need to get out of the way and back at our own journeys. No matter what happens, my life is in good hands. They just happen to be my own.

[Jess the Shelf-Declared Bibliophile · Rating 1 out of 5]

I must admit, at the very beginning of this, I nearly DNFed it, but I decided to push through since it was fairly short and I figured there must be SOMETHING I could glean from it. For one thing, it definitely focused more on singles looking to venture into the dating world, not those of us already in a long term relationship.

I also greatly disliked the author's focus on diagnoses of various mental ailments some random doctor gave her at 4 years old. Things like OCD, ADHD, and others tend to be grossly overdiagnosed. Personally, I believe that it's much simpler to admit that we ALL can have traits that relate to these disorders without stamping it on our foreheads and walking through life using it as a crutch. And I say this as someone who WAS diagnosed with ADHD also at 4, but I never tell people this, because I consider myself a perfectly normal, non-medicated individual whose attention span occasionally "squirrels", as my boyfriend lovingly calls it.

Another thing that was distracting from trying to learn anything within this book was constant trigger warnings and the author's incessant explaining/justifying "cis" speech or her definitions of gender as pertaining to typical male/female roles. She went way overboard seeming desperate not to offend a Karen, when really, WHO CARES? Do your thing, girl, and speak from your perspective and how you see the world without fear.

Lastly, the reliance on prescription drugs that the author brags about and even encourages is abhorrent. Her parents had her on Prozac at 4 years old! That is heartbreaking to me. After what seemed like the longest chapter praising all kinds of different medications and downplaying side effects, she then briefly mentioned herbal remedies before quickly saying "but probably not, because they aren't FDA approved." How laughably ignorant!

[Steven · Rating 4 out of 5]

Based on the title, I assumed this book was targeted to folks in existing relationships who might get a wee bit hyperfocused on their partner. Instead, it turned out to be a very practical guide for individuals with at least moderate mental health concerns who are preparing to date or are in the very early stages of dating. The author's interwoven personal stories, sense of humor, and overall uplifting vibe kept me reading anyway! She tackles each chapter with the input of two mental health professionals, who often offer complimentary advice despite differing perspectives. Each chapter is summed up with a list of key takeaways. Language, examples, and scenarios are purposefully inclusive. Overall, I enjoyed this read and would recommend it if you fit the description above.

Thank you to NetGalley, the publisher, and the author for the ARC!

[kat · Rating 2 out of 5]

I felt very unaffected while reading Overthinking About You. Despite its relatable subject matter, I found the book altogether hard for me to relate to, it was more like the writer was telling than showing us.

I didn't find the writing to be very visceral, there wasn't really any meat to any of the personal accounts, it was very matter of fact: "He said this, she said this, I felt this way..." I wanted to feel more while reading this, like a punch to the gut! It felt like this title was heavy on the shallow personal accounts, and light on the self-help.

I think this is a book that will resonate with fans of Allison Raskin.

I received an advanced copy of this book for my honest opinion from NetGalley and Workman Publishing Company.

[Kanwulia · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a nice basic intro into issues to think about when dating if you have anxiety or depression. That being said, I felt like this was not as detailed as I wanted it to be. It gave a good overview of various dating stages and concerns. But I felt that there was not enough info about the day to day issues you might encounter and how to deal with them. I plan to keep rereading the chapters I found most relevant though, and I hope that with time I will find the answers I am looking for by applying the concepts. Otherwise, I might just need a therapist lol.

[Mara Rosenberg · Rating 4 out of 5]

Is this book heavy or light? Trick question it’s transformative

[Abigail Franklin]

DNF. Written like a Buzzfeed article, masquerading as professional advice.

[Carly · Rating 2 out of 5]

To preface this review, i love Allison Raskin and was very excited to read her debut book. I find her podcast, comics, videos, etc., very helpful — she gives off great older sister advice vibes. But I’m not sure that a book was the right medium for this project. I think this would’ve been a more successful project if Allison focused on narrative non-fiction as opposed to a semi-academic, semi-journalistic approach to love and dating with mental illness. At times it comes across as an elongated college essay bound into a book.

If you’re a fan of Allison’s, there’s no harm in reading this and you will probably enjoy chapters of it. But this is a skippable read, tbh.

[Kimmy ♡ · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can't wait to read this!

[Mel Rose (Savvy Rose Reads) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I almost don't feel right giving this a star rating because I think everyone's relationship to it will be very personal, but I absolutely loved it. So much of the book made me feel seen in such a special and meaningful way, and I LOVED that even though the focus is very much on romantic relationships, so many of the takeaways can be applied universally. I'm so glad I read this one!

[Panda Incognito · Rating 2 out of 5]

This self-help book is mainly just the Internet famous author's memoir. As she shares about her own experiences, she intersperses some advice from experts, but the book never lives up to its title. If someone's symptom manifestations, relationship history, worldview, or general life experiences are different from the author's, there will be very little here for them. I appreciate the author's desire to be vulnerable and help others, but a lot of the book seemed like TMI to me, without enough general advice that wasn't drawn from her specific issues.

[Carma · Rating 1 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook and maybe that was my problem.

This book was absolute cringe. It has very little original scientific portions, very little original material, regurgitated other's knowledge and then just paraphrased it, and the audiobook reader's voice was just.... There were moments where she tried to interact with the reader and break down the fourth wall. It was done quite awkwardly and unsuccessfully.

I applaud the author for the vulnerability she did share. That takes guts. But this felt like a BuzzFeed article - click bait. Just... No.

[Amarachi · Rating 2 out of 5]

Really sound and extremely helpful insight

[Eleana · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm going to reason with you and say this would probably be a 4 star if
A) I hadn't already been closely following Allison for years and heard all these lovely tips before
B) I wasn't already deep into a commited long term relationship, so a lot of this advice wasn't all that applicable
This book was well structured with lots of gems of wisdom. I particularly enjoyed the chapter on sex, it felt vulnerable and insightful in the best ways. I will say I'm not a huge fan of the super chatty style some of this book was written in, but that seems to be a trend in influencer books so I can't only fault Allison on this too much. This book is definitely worth your time if you are dating and need some clarity and good advice

[Hannah Rose · Rating 2 out of 5]

If you’re an over thinker, you probably already thought of everything that comes up in this book.

[Lindsay Hughes · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks to NetGalley and Workman Publishing Company for an advanced reader copy.

I’ve followed Allison Raskin around the internet since the Buzzfeed days, so I was excited to read her book after seeing her be so public about her mental health struggles. Her voice is very clear in this and I could hear her sense of humor come through.

The parts of this book that really shone were the personal stories that Allison shared. Though the book is clearly well-researched with a variety of mental-health and relationship professionals, it got a bit clinical and info-dumpy. But I thoroughly enjoyed the portions where Allison shared her own experiences and foibles in dating.

I think this is an excellent book for people to read regardless of their relationship status; many of the key takeaways from the book have less to do with dating and more to do with self-acceptance and advocacy. It’s something you can read all at once but also refer back to as you play the dating game.

[Alison · Rating 4 out of 5]

Will be bringing my notes & highlights to therapy

[Ece Akyol · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve always loved Allison’s writing style and I loved listening to the audiobook!

[Andie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been a fan for awhile of Allison's podcast Just Between Us, so I knew I had to get this book. Her humor and voice really shine through in this how-to guide. The text is broken into an easy-to-follow structure with advice from experts on mental health, relationships, and dating, and she is so vulnerable it is actually pretty inspiring. Easy and fun to read.

[Elisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Equal amounts helpful and cute/funny. It may be that the humor spoke to me personally and it may not be everyone’s cup of tea. But the rest is just on point. Stuff you learn when you actually do the work after realizing you can’t get beat down by a relationship the way you have before. What this precious little jewel of a book says is just confirmation of what I’ve been seeing in therapy and other resources on my healing journey.

[Lili · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I saw this book featured in a Smart Bitches, Trashy Books email newsletter, I instantly wanted to read it. Not because of the publisher’s blurb, but more for the potential that I thought the book could have. In fact, I wanted to read this book so badly that I requested it on NetGalley (despite the lengthy to be read list that I already have with them). A miracle occurred: they granted my request!

I am so happy to have read this book: at about 75% complete, I pre-ordered five copies to give to friends. And that was before reading the sex chapter. Now that I’ve finished it, I’m thinking of even more friends who could benefit from reading it. Of the two dozen or so books that I’ve already ready this year, this one was the most worthwhile.

So why am I so enthusiastic about promoting a book that the publisher’s blurb describes as humorous personal anecdotes laced with expert advice? Primarily because it rang so true to my personal experience with occasionally debilitating mental health issues. And because the publisher’s blurb is wrong: it’s mostly advice from a variety of experts, which is illustrated by examples (humorous and otherwise) from the author’s personal dating experience. Because the book handled both mental health and sexual health is a positive nonjudgmental fashion that identified and debunked the social stigma surrounding those issues. Because the overall message was one of self-love, kindness, and compassion, which is what I really needed to hear this week. And finally because the majority of the discussion was applicable to every personal relationship - romantic or platonic, deep or shallow, ephemeral or long-standing. The perspectives offered in this book are equally applicable if you struggle with your own mental health or if you are in a personal relationship with someone who might.

I received this book as a digital advance reader copy provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest opinion.

[Yugvir Parhar · Rating 3 out of 5]

I related a lot. it made me feel normal. but then I didn't relate and that again made me feel normal haha

[Hallie Knight · Rating 1 out of 5]

This read more like a memoir than a self-help/psychology book. I’m aware that I’m an over-sharer but multiple parts of this book felt too TMI for me. Just not my type of humor and I wish I was capable of DNF’ing.

[Kade · Rating 3 out of 5]

A 3/5 seems low to some people, but I did enjoy this book and it was very easy to read. I enjoyed some of the interviews with mental health professionals and with other mentally ill people. As someone with similar mental health problems to Allison, I could relate to many aspects of her experience. She also comes across as very kind and sympathetic to the reader. A lot of what didn't work for me about this book just came down to personal preference. My main problems with the book were:
1) the book just doesn't go deep enough. A lot of the advice feels obvious. I guess all self help books are stating the obvious, but I think this one especially feels that way. There wasn't really any content that was controversial or challenging to read, except maybe the section on relationship OCD. (This section gave very different advice to what I was expecting it to, which is interesting.) If you follow a lot of mental health Instagram accounts, you've probably heard a lot of this advice. There is also a summary of the main points at the end of each chapter, which I didn't find necessary and was just extra stuff to read. Because this book has lots of different components - Allison's own experiences, interviews with experts, interviews with others, studies, general info - none of them feel completely fleshed out because the book is so short and has to switch between them quite a lot.
2) I just don't like it when authors are trying to be funny in this type of book. Just personal preference! It grates on me.
3) Allison's ex boyfriends were sometimes described quite vaguely and I didn't get much of a sense of their personalities, so when the breakups were described I didn't really understand why she was upset to lose that person. I struggle to understand why people get so upset over breakups in general and so again this may be a personal thing (I understand the logical reasons for them being upset, and am sad that they're upset, but I can't really relate so their emotions seem very intense to me). Again, someone with different experiences to me might benefit more from this book.

[Mitchell Clifford · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and Workman Publishing Company for this ARC. I voluntarily read and reviewed an advanced copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

I have been looking forward to this book for over a year since I first heard of its development and it did not disappoint.

A clear strength of Raskin's writing is how concise and personal her method of storytelling is. This text is short but packs a punch with her constant tie-ins of lessons, personal anecdotes, and relevant interviews with experts in each chapter's fields to back up the validity of her information.

I also appreciated that, unlike most self-help books, Raskin consistently reiterates that she does not speak for every community, on various topics related to mental health and the disparities at different intersections when it comes to receiving improving your mental health and dating practices.

A slight improvement I would add for future books might be a workbook component or activity of some kind at the end of some chapters to give the reader opportunities to put theory into practice.

Overall, if you are familiar with Raskin's previous work or interested in any topics in the title at all I would strongly recommend this book as a quick, enlightening, and enjoyable read!

[Shelby · Rating 1 out of 5]

I liked that the author is shedding light on relationship anxiety/ROCD, but this book (memoir?) feels like more of a step in her personal healing journey than a full-fledged self-help book.

I am partnered so I did skip a couple of chapters that don't pertain to me in this season of life, but the author highly focuses on anxiety and relationships rather than depression and OCD. Lucky for me, anxiety is the mental illness I identify with most, but I don't feel the book touched on non-relationship OCD or dating while clinically depressed like the subtitle suggests.

I also didn't enjoy the quippy humor sprinkled throughout the chapters, nor the author's audiobook narration. Per the book's suggestion, I'm going to try Relationship OCD: A CBT-Based Guide to Move Beyond Obsessive Doubt, Anxiety, and Fear of Commitment in Romantic Relationships for a more serious and conclusive read on the topic.

[E · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this book is slightly mis advertised. It is advertised as a self-help book, but at times it read more like a memoir. I found myself skipping paragraphs or even full pages or sections because the author kept going on about an ex and reflecting on that piece. I really appreciated Allison's use of mental health professionals throughout the book and it was evident that she did a lot of research and planning for this book, but it still felt like there was too many anecdotes throughout the book.

There was still a lot that was helpful about this story, but honestly I felt it wasn't anything I hadn't read already before.

[Christine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is Allison's first book that I've read - as with all self help books, I feel very meh about it.

The two demographics I'd recommend this book to are either big fans of Allison/JBU and/or people who are new to their journey of learning to date with a mental illness.

The chapters are short and easy to follow (very ADHD-friendly) but don't contain any life-changing groundbreaking revelations (again, as with all self-help books).

[Ashley · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of this book was so helpful and something I've needed as I'm getting back into dating. Some parts just didn't apply to me though. I appreciated the experts she consulted and their advice as well! Definitely wrote down some tips and started doing the work.