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From Conflict to Courage: How to Stop Avoiding and Start Leading
A framework to help managers defuse disagreements in the workplace and turn conflict into an opportunity for growth. Unresolved workplace conflict wastes time, increases stress, and negatively affects business outcomes. But conflict isn't the problem, mismanagement is. Leaders unintentionally mismanage conflict when they fall into patterns of what Marlene Chism calls “the Three ” aggression, avoidance, and appeasing. “These coping mechanisms are ways human beings avoid the emotions that come with conflict,” says Chism. In this book she shows how to fearlessly deal with conflict head-on by expanding your conflict capacity. Conflict capacity is a combination of three elements. The foundation is the Inner Game—the leader's self-awareness, values, discernment, and emotional integrity. The Outer Game is the skills, tools, and communication techniques built on that foundation. Finally, there's Culture—the visible and invisible structures around you that can encourage or discourage conflict. Chism offers exercises, examples, and expert guidance on developing all three elements. Leaders will discover techniques to increase leadership clarity, identify obstacles, and reduce resistance. They'll develop powerful skills for dealing with high-conflict people and for initiating, engaging in, and staying with difficult conversations. Readers will learn that when they see conflict as a teacher, courageously face it, and continually work on transforming themselves, they can get the resolution they are seeking. They can change minds. “A very practical and excellent how-to guide.” —Bill Stoller, CEO and founder, Express Employment Professionals “An actionable blueprint for how to handle . . . difficult conversations.” —Tanveer Naseer, MS, Inc. Top 100 leadership and management expert, author of Leadership Vertigo
225 pages, Kindle Edition
Published May 3, 2022
28 people are currently reading
1101 people want to read
About the author
Marlene Chism
6 books13 followersHigh-level leaders seek Marlene’s expertise as a thought partner, advisor or coach when going through periods of transition or change. Organizations seek Marlene’s leadership development courses to teach mid-level and senior leaders the strategic communication skills to initiate conversations that get results and increase accountability.
She’s the author of four books, including Stop Workplace Drama; No-Drama Leadership; 7 Ways to Stop Drama in Your Healthcare Practice, and From Conflict to Courage: How to Stop Avoiding and Start Leading.
Marlene is an expert on the LinkedIn Learning platform offering courses in Anger Management; Difficult Conversations; Difficult Conversations for Managers, and Working with High Conflict People as a Manager.
Marlene has a degree in Communications from Drury University and a master’s degree in Human Resources Development from Webster University. She’s an advanced practitioner in Narrative Coaching.
To inquire about working with Marlene please contact marlene@marlenechism.com
She’s the author of four books, including Stop Workplace Drama; No-Drama Leadership; 7 Ways to Stop Drama in Your Healthcare Practice, and From Conflict to Courage: How to Stop Avoiding and Start Leading.
Marlene is an expert on the LinkedIn Learning platform offering courses in Anger Management; Difficult Conversations; Difficult Conversations for Managers, and Working with High Conflict People as a Manager.
Marlene has a degree in Communications from Drury University and a master’s degree in Human Resources Development from Webster University. She’s an advanced practitioner in Narrative Coaching.
To inquire about working with Marlene please contact marlene@marlenechism.com
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
May 6, 2022
From Conflict to Courage by Marlene Chism is an excellent resource if you think you need help at resolving conflict. Truth is, most of us do need help. This book is not just a regurgitation of conflict management that you’ve either read about or received training in. The author’s presentation is clear and pertinent. Chism is a consultant, but her book isn’t written for consultants. I found it refreshing. The chapters are clear and succinct. The information makes sense, and the stories and examples help clarify the key points. There are exercises to do to help you better understand where you stand in handling conflict. From Conflict to Courage has real meat in it. I very much enjoyed Chism’s book, because it made me think about conflict resolution and management in a new way. I received an ARC for review.
August 20, 2023
I think I need to read it again to really help it all sink in but this book is loaded with great information on how to interact with coworkers and, really, it's applicable to everyday life and relationships.
I would say, almost without exception, that just about everyone of working age would benefit from reading this book.
I would say, almost without exception, that just about everyone of working age would benefit from reading this book.
December 12, 2022
Seems a pretty helpful writing style. Trying to guide your inner monologue and tame the negative. A difficult topic which would need constant reenforcement to keep you on track.
Speak to the Vision
Most of the time we focus on the shark instead of on the island, the obstacle instead of the goal. When we speak to the vision (the intended outcome), we focus more on what we want and less on what we don’t want.
Since most of us alternately speak in terms of what we don’t want and what we do want, here’s a way to balance the two. Anytime you hear yourself saying, “I don’t want . . . ,” finish your sentence, and then circle back and say, “What I do want . . .” This clarifies your end result and is more direct and to the point.
Make a Business Case
The reason to address an issue is because the behavior or the performance affects the business. This is the piece so often missing when it comes to addressing performance or behavior; we haven’t established the impact of the problem on the business; therefore, employees just think you’re nitpicking.
Get Curious
You’ll need to listen objectively when you get to this part of the conversation. You can’t allow yourself to get drawn into excuses, blame, or distractions. You’ll have to think like a consultant, be objective, avoid distractions, and get to the root of the problem.
Radical Listening
Radical listening is about the ability to listen even when it’s extremely difficult, when every bone in your body wants to explain, lecture, defend, or make wrong. This takes a lot of self-discipline and courage. You’ll need to put the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth to listen better. Stop interrupting, tempting as it may be.
Listen for subtle clues of resistance or lack of confidence. For example, when you’re coaching an employee to do something bold and they say, “I’ll try . . . ,” don’t say, “Great!” and think it’s done. There’s a subtle clue in “I’ll try,” which means they aren’t confident, or they aren’t committed. This can trigger you if you aren’t careful. Don’t use the tired old saying “There is no such thing as try!” Instead, you say something like, “It sounds like you aren’t confident you can achieve this goal?”
Remember the magic phrase “Would you be willing . . . ?” Your goal isn’t to win an argument or play “gotcha.” Please don’t assume they aren’t willing. You are only testing for willingness here.
When someone resists your efforts, the first impulse is to argue or persuade. Sometimes you think you’re helping, but usually you’re causing more resistance by arguing. There’s a time to be a cheerleader and a time to test for resistance. With this method, you aren’t offering any counterresistance. There’s absolutely no push-pull to your agenda. Objections die on agreement. If you can meet people where they are and agree with their view of the world, you can use the magic phrase to uncover the perceived barriers.
Kyaw Wai Yan Tun has a great summary
Speak to the Vision
Most of the time we focus on the shark instead of on the island, the obstacle instead of the goal. When we speak to the vision (the intended outcome), we focus more on what we want and less on what we don’t want.
Since most of us alternately speak in terms of what we don’t want and what we do want, here’s a way to balance the two. Anytime you hear yourself saying, “I don’t want . . . ,” finish your sentence, and then circle back and say, “What I do want . . .” This clarifies your end result and is more direct and to the point.
Make a Business Case
The reason to address an issue is because the behavior or the performance affects the business. This is the piece so often missing when it comes to addressing performance or behavior; we haven’t established the impact of the problem on the business; therefore, employees just think you’re nitpicking.
Get Curious
You’ll need to listen objectively when you get to this part of the conversation. You can’t allow yourself to get drawn into excuses, blame, or distractions. You’ll have to think like a consultant, be objective, avoid distractions, and get to the root of the problem.
Radical Listening
Radical listening is about the ability to listen even when it’s extremely difficult, when every bone in your body wants to explain, lecture, defend, or make wrong. This takes a lot of self-discipline and courage. You’ll need to put the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth to listen better. Stop interrupting, tempting as it may be.
Listen for subtle clues of resistance or lack of confidence. For example, when you’re coaching an employee to do something bold and they say, “I’ll try . . . ,” don’t say, “Great!” and think it’s done. There’s a subtle clue in “I’ll try,” which means they aren’t confident, or they aren’t committed. This can trigger you if you aren’t careful. Don’t use the tired old saying “There is no such thing as try!” Instead, you say something like, “It sounds like you aren’t confident you can achieve this goal?”
Remember the magic phrase “Would you be willing . . . ?” Your goal isn’t to win an argument or play “gotcha.” Please don’t assume they aren’t willing. You are only testing for willingness here.
When someone resists your efforts, the first impulse is to argue or persuade. Sometimes you think you’re helping, but usually you’re causing more resistance by arguing. There’s a time to be a cheerleader and a time to test for resistance. With this method, you aren’t offering any counterresistance. There’s absolutely no push-pull to your agenda. Objections die on agreement. If you can meet people where they are and agree with their view of the world, you can use the magic phrase to uncover the perceived barriers.
Kyaw Wai Yan Tun has a great summary
May 10, 2022
I was given a copy of From Conflict to Courage to review. The title captured my attention from the start, as during my days as a manager, I had several conflicts to resolve. There were times I really did not know what was going on. How I wished this book had been available then. So some mistakes I made in handling the conflict could have been avoided. The part where the author helps you identify your inner conflict and why you avoid it was really beneficial. Being too nice and appeasing was definitely a problem I identified with. Working through this book will help you build emotional integrity and conflict muscle to feel comfortable even in a conflict situation. You will learn to manage your own inner struggle better and understand the other person’s struggle. If you oversee or manage people or groups, you will find this a beneficial book for your library to be referred to frequently.
August 1, 2022
Great book on explaining how to find the courage to deal with conflicts. I really like the way that everything was broken down and the way the author identified the part of the book she was referring to such as more to come in Chapter 5 or as discussed earlier in Chapter 3. It makes it easier to know where to go back for reference if not re-reading the entire book. Chapter 7 - Skills: A Blueprint for Difficult Conversations really spoke to me. I was able to see how I am going to start using the information in this book immediately and not just at work but in my personal life. We all have difficult conversations waiting for us but this book makes it so that we know how to have them and to actually look forward to those much avoided conversations.
March 10, 2023
Good Book on the basics of Communication, Leadership, and approaches on how to accomplish a leaders goal.
January 1, 2024
Great advice on how to deal with conflict at the workplace. It also makes you reflect on your life and your approach to conflict.
October 14, 2024
Not based on any evidence. A personal perspective that is from a aggressor managers perspective. Not what I was looking for.
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews