In the last year and a half, my own interest in the stock market has risen, likely because I have reached that certain age where I am teetering between the fierce saving for my children's college 529 plans and our own retirement. I've often cursed that my own passions didn't line up with a career that lined up with the compensation it deserves, but I cannot help but love what I love.
Higgins didn't choose that path, which is perhaps why I wanted to read the book--I wanted to see what it would be like to set aside a social service profession's path for something that would make money not a concern. Higgins, when Higgins was Fiore, wanted to be a social worker, but her family influenced her to pick a path that earned real money, and earn it she did. Her hours left little room for anything else, though she did manage to get married and have four children, a feat I cannot understand until I realize she sacrificed time for those things--she saw her kids on the weekends, even though they slept in the same house, and she almost lost her marriage as they drifted apart.
There is a portion where that marriage begins to fall apart, but the passages feel as if a lot is left out, which is fine--it is not my business to know the sordid details--but the thing is, Higgins presents it as if she's given us all the information. We get two scenes in which she seems to be telling all, but also, she is able to excuse away so much. I feel that these moments could have been handled differently; she could have said, there were moments when I was unfaithful, and my husband knew, and given us some paragraphs, but to feel as if we were let behind the curtain when I'm sure there was more felt strange.
It felt that much of the book, Higgins was painting herself as a "this is not me" and "these are not my morals" kind of person, but she stayed in an abusive environment for nearly two decades. Yes, there is so much that shows how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship-like situation: she is assaulted and yet she stays, she is demeaned and yet she stays, she has to make an exit plan and yet she stays right up until that day. Instead of suing, she stays. Instead of reporting most of the incidents, she keeps quit so she can stay. She writes about how she wants to be a role model for women rising in the company, but she keeps quiet when one of them takes actual action. She doesn't sue because she claims she wants to keep her reputation intact but then she writes a tell-all memoir, and perhaps that is what could do more harm to Goldman Sachs than suing, but to me, I've always been told to report those things and make those changes. For me, reading this book, I couldn't understand how she didn't report things within those first months, but I would not have lasted for nearly two decades and never would have made the bonuses she had. That's what makes reading this memoir so difficult.
I don't want to imply that I haven't been in similar toxic situations; I have. I've just left because I knew I couldn't influence the change that needed to happen. This could be why and how I can't understand all the things I wrote above. I was also raised differently--my parents told me I have to feel good and passionate about what I do.
For a bit, I felt envy that her bonuses were more than I could make in a decade and a half.
I do wonder if Higgins will end up in social work. At the end of the book, she's a stay at home mom, and more power to her--I was one too for a few years. It was its own kind of wonderful and hard.
The writing itself is fine. It is no literary memoir, so I am not sure what kind of shelf life it will have, but it's competent and truly interesting to see things from a world I will never live in. I'm glad Higgins wrote this book because I think women need to tell their stories. I have criticized her above for not speaking out before, but she's doing it now, and that takes a hell of a lot of courage. She does it in a way that reads in a smooth narrative and I found myself looking forward to returning to the pages.
This would be a good read for anyone who is interested in the real stories of women in powerful positions (who are made to feel powerless) and wants to read a true story of those things. Honestly, I hope this book ends up making the change it should make, and I hope women in power find more ways to break away from that feeling of powerlessness to get what they truly deserve, which is so much more than what Higgins got.
I read this via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.