Gospel-Shaped Marriage: Grace for Sinners to Love Like Saints

by Chad Van Dixhoorn, Emily Van Dixhoorn, Alistair Begg (Foreword)

A Gracious, Biblical Model for Marriage

Married Christians, and those preparing for marriage, know that they’re sinners—and that their sin threatens God’s great purposes for their union, including mutual support, companionship, and intimacy. But how often do believers recognize that they are also saints, equipped through God’s power to create a healthy, loving marriage? 

In Gospel-Shaped Marriage, Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn encourage couples with how Christ calls and enables them to love their spouse. They give a brief assessment of the biblical design for marriage while offering practical, proven advice for husbands and wives. Drawing from Scripture and the writings of Puritan minister William Gouge, their advice also prepares churches, friends, and others to support married couples in their lives.

Comprehensive and  Includes a summary of marriage in redemptive history, recommended Bible verses with each chapter, and prayer prompts  Offers guidance for singles preparing for marriage, young and mature couples, struggling couples, and those who want to strengthen their relationship Practical  Written by a pastor and his wife, this concise, easy-to-understand guide includes discussion questions for each chapter

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Nonfiction, Family, Theology, Counselling, Faith

161 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 19, 2022

About the author

Chad Van Dixhoorn (PhD, Cambridge University) is professor of church history at Westminster Theological Seminary and a former pastor in the United Kingdom and in Virginia. He is the author of Confessing the Faith and God’s Ambassadors.

Reviews

[Bob O'Bannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another book on marriage? Well, I guess couples can always use some additional instruction, and this short book certainly provides it. The Dixhoorns (husband and wife co-authors) combine theological reflection with practical and sometimes fresh examples of how to be better spouses. For instance, wives are directed to "make themselves as lovable as possible," because this will help the husband with his duty to love. Similarly, a husband needs to "do his best to be worthy of respect" so it's easier for the wife to respect him. (p.44). It's encouraging to be reminded that commands to the husband or wife specifically can still be obeyed jointly.

I also appreciated the suggestion later in the book that couples find ways to serve and do ministry together as a way to seek growth in their marriage. "A relationship can turn inward in unhelpful ways, and serving together helps to avoid that problem in a way that always entertaining ourselves, or often talking about ourselves, does not." (p. 124). Sometimes couples can spend so much time analyzing their marriage, often with good and godly intent, that they forget to just go out and do something together, which is actually much more healthy for their marriage.

What really hindered this book, however, was the way the husband was so often presented in a negative light. Husbands are said to be "stupid" (at least some of them), often clueless and needing the wife to step in and set things right, and basically needing nothing more than "television and food" to be made happy. There were repeated sexist stereotypes in this book that we would never tolerate if they were directed toward women. Even though the Bible commands wives to submit to husbands, the subtle implication throughout this book is that husbands need to submit to their wives.

Some helpful suggestions here, for sure, but I would look elsewhere for a good recommendation on this topic.

[Zack · Rating 5 out of 5]

A most readable, enjoyable, and edifying book on biblical marriage. Best chapter is “Winning in Marriage,” but the entire book is well worth reading closely. I read this with a member of my church, discussing it chapter-by-chapter.

[Kelhi Herring · Rating 5 out of 5]

Biblical, insightful, practical, and accessible.

Garrett and I really enjoyed reading this together on Sunday afternoons. The book fostered some excellent discussions. I found several things encouraging (such as the importance of spouse as nearest and dearest), and several things convicting (such as the unbiblical reasons women “like” to submit).

One of the things that I most appreciate about this book is that it’s not at all apologetic or polemical, nor are the explanations of biblical principles overly detailed. The Van Dixhoorns highlight a Bible passage, explain it in context, and draw out implications. There’s no engaging in debates or defenses, just a presentation of truth and what that means for marriage. In that, it really reminds me of Dr. Van Dixhoorn’s Confessing the Faith. There and in this book, the audience is defined: someone who is not a Christian, or not of a Reformed/confessional—or even theologically conservative—conviction, could read and find things to glean, but the book isn’t interested in arguing or persuading. And that makes for a very relaxing, helpful, and encouraging read.

I also appreciate that this book could be read by and appreciated by any Christian: whether you’ve been married a short or a long time, or even if you’re not married. There’s also the acknowledgment of the serious challenges that some marriages face (though the issues are not dealt with in detail). Overall, there’s a good focus on key marriage principles for believers, but the content is accessible and therefore useful for many. Occasionally, there are application asides to alert groups (newly married; someone married to an unbeliever; singles).

Thanks, Dr. V and Mrs. V, for a Christ-honoring encouragement to this newly married couple.

[Paul · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this book, Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn teach us that the gospel of Jesus Christ contains within itself a new power and a new principle for human relationships... Read full review

[Michael Philliber · Rating 5 out of 5]

When this 160-page paperback came in the mail, “Gospel-Shaped Marriage: Grace for Sinners to Love Like Saints,” I quickly snatched it up to check the table of contents. There it was. The very thing I had been looking for through almost 46 years of marriage, and it was in the appendix, “How to Change Your Spouse in Three Easy Steps”. I immediately flipped there and was thrilled with the shrewd depth of wisdom contained in that appendix, and knew I was going to love the book, which I did! Chad Van Dixhoorn, professor of Church History at Reformed Theological Seminary in Charlotte, NC., and his wife, Emily Van Dixhoorn, pulled off a veritable coup d’état against prevailing marital regimes and nuptial schemes in this small volume. Alistair Begg, who penned the foreword, explains the strategy therein clearly, “Instead of denouncing the darkness, which is easy to do, the social climate presents us with an opportunity to shine as lights in the world…viewing marriage in the context of the gospel” (10).

[Brit Chhangur · Rating 5 out of 5]

We read this book along with a couple from our church for premarital counselling. Especially appreciated the emphasis on making other people’s jobs easier: wives, be easy to love; husbands, be easy to respect; parents, be a joy to honour! Very convicting, very helpful, very faithful to scripture!

Also, a quick read and made me laugh!

[Anna Grace · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not that I am in a great place to be judging (being less than a year into marriage)… but I’ve read a few books about marriage and to me this was the least helpful or inspiring one.

I do think that reading this book this week made me think more intentionally about how I love Stephen, but that was because of the general reminders about the hope and missions of marriage. There are definitely some good nuggets of wisdom in here, but after reflection, none of the authors’ points really stand out to me. Except the few that Stephen and I thought were kinda problematic.

[Dom Silla · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was gifted this book as something for my then fiancée and I to work through before our marriage.
The Van Dixhoorns offer very helpful, useful and timely advice and biblical counsel on how to live out and in your marriage well. I enjoyed the read, I wish I had given it a higher priority.

[Emily Funkhouser · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful. I appreciated the depth that went into this very concise book. There’s a lot I could say about it, but I will keep it at well worth the read, and maybe one of my favorite of the “marriage books”.

“Marriage is eternal in its significance, not because it lasts for eternity, but because it can be used to equip us for eternity.”

“[W]e can note that the submission talked about here is rooted in creationism, not chauvinism. It is something we get from our Maker. Christians are not blindly to reflect societal conventions. We should not believe in the idea of submission because everybody else likes it, and we should not reject the idea because everybody else doesn't. On the contrary, we need to believe that if God requires something, then it is necessary for our flourishing, maybe even for our survival. He always calls us to what will lead us to praise him and toward what is in itself good, true, and, properly understood, beautiful.”

“If we are humbled before God, we can move beyond how we’d like to act and consider how we ought to act. If we live coram Deo, before the face of God, we will relate to others first by relating to him.”

[Rachel Carl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful book on marriage. Buy 2 and read it with your “soon to be/or already” spouse. Lots of Biblical truths and not cheesy.

[John · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love the idea of the Van Dixhoorn’s book on marriage: a theologically solid and practical short book. While I share the general theological bent of the authors, I was disappointed that the book felt too dependent on their marriage and not broader experience pastoring/counseling other couples. That left the practical suggestions too idiosyncratic to the Van Dixhoorn’s relationship, in my opinion and not as rooted in the gospel theology.

[Silas Adamson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simple, biblical, gospel truth. I would recommend this book to anyone that is engaged or married. Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn do a great job of showing how the gospel should affect our marriages. Encouraging and convicting, this book has made me think, talk, and pray about different aspects of marriage and I believe it has left me more prepared than I was when I first picked it up.

[Johanna Keister · Rating 3 out of 5]

Quite charming in tone :)

Makes me grateful for all the examples of marriage around me (no marriage is perfect- but so many are beautiful examples of living for something better than yourself)

Good reminder marriage isn’t the end all be all- yet has infinite value as it prepares you for an eternal marriage - what every earthly marriage in the here and now has ever pointed to

[Shona Howard · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great book and I do recommend couples read this, whether they are dating, engaged or married. There are two things that the authors say on pages 23 which I currently disagree with (although my opinions could change):

“there needs to be an extraordinary reason for them (married couples) to refuse to have children”

and that

“they (individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity) should make it their ambition to marry”

I’m curious as to what the author or others consider to be a extraordinary reason to refuse to have children. I know different couples who have refused to have children and God has worked in their hearts to help them revisit the subject about having children, and these experiences would align with the authors claim. However, I’m still not entirely sure I agree that couples need to have a good or worthy enough reason to not have children.

I don’t agree that individuals who wrestle with spiritual purity should strive to get married. I think these individuals should discuss these matters with a counsellor because marriage shouldn’t be the solution to that problem.

[Maggie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Concise, realistic and sweet!

This is probably the best book on marriage I’ve read.

I love that it deals with the real life of marriage and not just theoretical stuff. I also like that it doesn’t give a long and drawn out definition, introduction and history of marriage - making it reader friendly. I learned many things about marriage in this book that really made sense to me and learned them for the first time - so insightful and wise.

Lastly, there were a handful of times in this short book the authors took my breath away with a quote. It was so good.

“Do you want to help a Christian spouse through this life and into the next? Tell her who she is: a co-heir of the grace of life; a person saved by the mercy and the love of God; someone kept by his faithfulness and not her own energetic holiness. Tell him that you are no better and deserve no better, you, too, are an heir of heaven, not by right, but by grace. Tell him when he sins against you that you are happy to forgive him because you also have been forgiven. Tell her that you love her, despite her failings, because, like her, you know what it is to fail, but also what it is to be rescued by the grace of God. Tell him whatever the Lord will bring his way in this life, he will not be alone, but is part of a vast family, one by the undeserved mercy of a holy God. Tell the truth, and the truth will set both of you free.”

[Scott Meadows · Rating 5 out of 5]

Chad and Emily have masterfully crafted the ultimate book on Christian marriage, which, in my opinion, stands unrivaled among most others. Their ability to tackle difficult questions with remarkable clarity, humility, and precision is truly commendable.

[Brenden Wentworth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend. Marriage is to be shaped by the gospel and centered on the Christ of the gospel. Very practical but always based on timeless convictions from scripture.

[Aaron · Rating 5 out of 5]

How can married sinners better show the Gospel? In Gospel-Shaped Marriage, Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn give grace for sinners to love like saints.

Biblical Foundations
The book begins by providing biblical foundations of a Christian marriage. By showing key scripture texts, the Van Dixhoorn’s guide us to see that the sex and age of your spouse do matter — but what matters most is a real and living faith.

Surprisingly, the book next says that our marriages here will end. But what we have to look forward to is the marriage supper of the Lamb! And because of Jesus, our marriages here on earth can get better and point to the spiritual realities beneath it. It also means that unhappy marriages and the unhappily unmarried can rejoice. We do not have to idolize marriage. Our marriages here are not meaningless, but they are put into perspective by getting this bigger picture of God's design.

Ephesians 5
Next, Ephesians 5 is brought to the forefront. From a practical level, submission is for everyone. Knowing your spouse and knowing Scripture are important, but the ultimate point is reverence for Christ our Savior. Submission is, however, a specific command for the wife. The book answers common challenges to this notion, but settles on submission as ultimately having a strong relationship with the Lord. For the husband, love is the key word. Most importantly, as Christ loved the church, it is a sacrificial and sanctifying love. “Mutual love and respect is the secret to a happy marriage.”

What I most found helpful about this book is the way it approaches the difficult realities of marriage with Biblical guidance. 1 Peter 3 says that when a husband is unhelpful or hurtful, the wife can win him with persistently pure and respectful conduct — her character is her beauty. 1 Peter 3 also says that a husband must live with his wife's weaknesses in an understanding way, honoring her with prayers before the Lord -- and coming to Christ with requests should keep him humble.

Parents and Children, Sexual Intimacy and Growth
In regards to parents, marriages must make it a point to leave and cleave. But we must also make room to honor them. When it comes to children, what I most appreciated was how we must remember that marriage has purposes independent of raising children. With 3 young children, I tend to forget this. And while family worship is wonderful, we must also remember to worship simply as husband and wife.

The book ends with a helpful look at sexual intimacy and growth in marriage. Sexual intimacy is a bond in marriage, a way to fill the world with babies, intended for your pleasure, and a way to serve your spouse. Growth in marriage happens in usefulness, in grace, and in years.

Guide Your Marriage in the Gospel
The strength of this book is that it is written together by a husband and wife. Both sides are equally represented, with grace and understanding of themselves and each other. The Van Dixhoorn’s are able to show us what works for them while understanding marriage is not a simple matter.

Discussion questions are included at the back of the book, perfect to go over with your spouse or in a small group community. Theological yet approachable, this book gives Biblical support as well as practical advice for strengthening your marriage. Written with wisdom and warmth, this book will go a great way to guide your marriage in the Gospel.

I received a media copy of Gospel-Shaped Marriage and this is my honest review.

[Johanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good, high-level book on living a marriage that reflects the gospel. I enjoy reading on the topic of marriage so there wasn’t anything new or ground breaking in this book, but I would say it’s a solid and worth-while read for sure.

*one note that accounts for my reduced start is merely a personal preference. I am strongly opposed to our current culture that goes to great lengths to make men look stupid and incompetent in any possible context. Whether it’s a TV commercial or a sitcom dad, the trope of “stupid ol’ dad/husband” is guaranteed to be present. In almost every chapter of this book, a negative example is shared of Chad, yet the same is notably absent for his wife Emily. I don’t doubt that this is intended to be humorous and to create a sense of relatability with the authors. But by the end of the book I found myself cringing at yet another Chad bumble. In an age where we need strong, disciplined, resilient men more than ever, I don’t think it’s helpful or beneficial to affirm secular societies view that men are stupid and useless. Again, this doesn’t make the book NOT worth reading. The content is great, and who doesn’t love a humorous anecdote we can all relate to? I just think the “Chad did a dumb thing” schtick was a little overused.

[Linda Galella · Rating 5 out of 5]

Biblical, honest and plenty of humor to smooth the rough places.

Husband and wife team, Chad & Emily Van Dixhoorn, have presented a small but mighty volume on the marriage relationship. It begins with God, man’s relationship with him, needing an partner, Adam & Eve and the details about how they were made for each other, their specific roles, etc. Enter sin and the story has a big twist and new, lasting responsibility for both male and female.

The authors discuss the individual responsibilities for both the husband and the wife, leaving their parents, becoming parents, building a family, the bedroom, and maturing in a marriage. All of the information provided is backed up with specific scripture verses and enhanced with personal experiences from their lives or close friends/family.

Oh yeah, don’t forget to check out the appendix for 3 easy steps to change your spouse. That page is worth the price for the entire book!

All things considered, straightforward and thoughtful; a guide for successful, loving marriages, anchored in the Grace of God📚

[Christopher Parker · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book to be extremely helpful despite how brief each chapter is.

The authors excelled at connecting each chapter's content to the Gospel, leaving the reader with hope that they themselves can change, and that their marriage can grow too.

I personally found the chapters on family and marital growth to be the most helpful. The explanation of leaving and cleaving did a sufficient job of addressing the tension that can still exist after getting married and starting a new family. Similarly, the explanation of how growth is marriage can come through service and hospitality was helpful. On multiple levels, married couples must look eternally for answers on questions of growth.

Overall, I found this book to be extremely helpful, full of nuggets and tips that can help all marriage -- no matter how good or bad -- to grow in deeper love for their spouse and deeper love for Christ. This will be my go-to recommendation for all married and engaged couples going forward.

[Adam Solorio · Rating 4 out of 5]

What an excellent book on gospel shaped marriages. So many good reminders, Biblical teachings, and principled approaches to marriage for the Christian. Would make a great resource for a small group or Bible study. This is the kind of book you can give to an engaged or newly married couples as well as Christian couples who’ve been married for some time. It has something to say to everyone. I found myself, married 19 years, frequently highlighting portions. Very encouraging and accessible read. Highly recommend.

[Daniel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good. We've read through this book together with a couple about to be married as part of their premarital discipleship. It's easy to read, occasionally cheesy, and generally helpful. Its unique contribution comes from interacting with William Gouge's work on marriage. It has some fascinating sections that are missing from most books on marriage (e.g., the section on hospitality and its relationship to marriage).

[Collin Lewis · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked the concept of submitting to one another (Eph. 5:21) as a way of helping one another fulfill marital complimentary roles in a easier way. The thoughts surrounding that concept were very helpful.

There were a few other things they pointed out that were insightful and I am thankful for that. There were also a few things I disagreed with, but they were minor and I could (probably am) be wrong.

3.5 stars

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a excellent short and sweet book! I think the way the authors use 3rd person is a little different but not too distracting and at times kind of humorous. I would definitely recommend this book though. Topics were extremely well balanced and biblical.

[Joshua Walker · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a sweet book for Katie and I to work through. I looked forward to these Sunday evening discussions! The questions in the back were wordy at times… but we found this book helpful for our marriage! It truly highlights the Biblical model of marriage!

[Rocio · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book written solely for married folks. I am single and I have read other books on marriage and this one was different than the others because it focused more on biblical truths.

[Taylor White · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful, easy read. Also they are funny which I appreciate.

[Jeremy Lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very helpful and Christ-centered book for married couples no matter their experience and also for couples preparing for marriage.

[Tim Michiemo · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 Stars

A well written and very straightforward book on how the gospel shapes our view on marriage. Agood entry-level and foundational book for discussions on marriage.