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Say the Right Thing: How to Talk About Identity, Diversity, and Justice
A Living Now Book Awards Gold Medalist, Social Activism/Charity
A practical, shame-free guide for navigating conversations across our differences at a time of rapid social change.
In the current period of social and political unrest, conversations about identity are becoming more frequent and more difficult. On subjects like critical race theory, gender equity in the workplace, and LGBTQ-inclusive classrooms, many of us are understandably fearful of saying the wrong thing. That fear can sometimes prevent us from speaking up at all, depriving people from marginalized groups of support and stalling progress toward a more just and inclusive society.
Kenji Yoshino and David Glasgow, founders of the Meltzer Center for Diversity, Inclusion, and Belonging at NYU School of Law, are here to show potential allies that these conversations don’t have to be so overwhelming. Through stories drawn from contexts as varied as social media posts, dinner party conversations, and workplace disputes, they offer seven user-friendly principles that teach skills such as how to avoid common conversational pitfalls, engage in respectful disagreement, offer authentic apologies, and better support people in our lives who experience bias.
Research-backed, accessible, and uplifting, Say the Right Thing charts a pathway out of cancel culture toward more meaningful and empathetic dialogue on issues of identity. It also gives us the practical tools to do good in our spheres of influence. Whether managing diverse teams at work, navigating issues of inclusion at college, or challenging biased comments at a family barbecue, Yoshino and Glasgow help us move from unconsciously hurting people to consciously helping them.
A practical, shame-free guide for navigating conversations across our differences at a time of rapid social change.
In the current period of social and political unrest, conversations about identity are becoming more frequent and more difficult. On subjects like critical race theory, gender equity in the workplace, and LGBTQ-inclusive classrooms, many of us are understandably fearful of saying the wrong thing. That fear can sometimes prevent us from speaking up at all, depriving people from marginalized groups of support and stalling progress toward a more just and inclusive society.
Kenji Yoshino and David Glasgow, founders of the Meltzer Center for Diversity, Inclusion, and Belonging at NYU School of Law, are here to show potential allies that these conversations don’t have to be so overwhelming. Through stories drawn from contexts as varied as social media posts, dinner party conversations, and workplace disputes, they offer seven user-friendly principles that teach skills such as how to avoid common conversational pitfalls, engage in respectful disagreement, offer authentic apologies, and better support people in our lives who experience bias.
Research-backed, accessible, and uplifting, Say the Right Thing charts a pathway out of cancel culture toward more meaningful and empathetic dialogue on issues of identity. It also gives us the practical tools to do good in our spheres of influence. Whether managing diverse teams at work, navigating issues of inclusion at college, or challenging biased comments at a family barbecue, Yoshino and Glasgow help us move from unconsciously hurting people to consciously helping them.
230 pages, Kindle Edition
Published February 7, 2023
136 people are currently reading
1662 people want to read
About the author
Kenji Yoshino
13 books79 followersKenji Yoshino is the Chief Justice Earl Warren Professor of Constitutional Law at NYU School of Law. He was educated at Harvard (B.A. 1991), Oxford (M.Sc. 1993 as a Rhodes Scholar), and Yale Law School (J.D. 1996). He taught at Yale Law School from 1998 to 2008, where he served as Deputy Dean (2005-6) and became the inaugural Guido Calabresi Professor in 2006. His fields are constitutional law, anti-discrimination law, and law and literature. He has received several distinctions for his teaching, most recently the Podell Distinguished Teaching Award in 2014.
Yoshino is the author of three books—Speak Now: Marriage Equality on Trial (2015); A Thousand Times More Fair: What Shakespeare’s Plays Teach Us About Justice (2011); and Covering: The Hidden Assault on Our Civil Rights (2006). Yoshino has published in major academic journals, including The Harvard Law Review, The Stanford Law Review, and The Yale Law Journal. He has also written for more popular forums, including The Los Angeles Times, The New York Times, and The Washington Post.
Yoshino makes regular appearances on radio and television programs, such as NPR, CNN, PBS and MSNBC. In 2015, he became a regular contributor to the New York Times Magazine’s podcast and column “The Ethicists.”
In 2011, he was elected to the Harvard Board of Overseers for a six-year term. He also serves on the Advisory Board of the Center for Talent Innovation, the Board of the Brennan Center for Justice, the External Advisory Panel for Diversity and Inclusion for the World Bank Group, the Global Advisory Board for Out Leadership, and the Inclusion External Advisory Council for Deloitte.
He lives in New York City with his husband and two children.
Yoshino is the author of three books—Speak Now: Marriage Equality on Trial (2015); A Thousand Times More Fair: What Shakespeare’s Plays Teach Us About Justice (2011); and Covering: The Hidden Assault on Our Civil Rights (2006). Yoshino has published in major academic journals, including The Harvard Law Review, The Stanford Law Review, and The Yale Law Journal. He has also written for more popular forums, including The Los Angeles Times, The New York Times, and The Washington Post.
Yoshino makes regular appearances on radio and television programs, such as NPR, CNN, PBS and MSNBC. In 2015, he became a regular contributor to the New York Times Magazine’s podcast and column “The Ethicists.”
In 2011, he was elected to the Harvard Board of Overseers for a six-year term. He also serves on the Advisory Board of the Center for Talent Innovation, the Board of the Brennan Center for Justice, the External Advisory Panel for Diversity and Inclusion for the World Bank Group, the Global Advisory Board for Out Leadership, and the Inclusion External Advisory Council for Deloitte.
He lives in New York City with his husband and two children.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 109 reviews
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August 5, 2022A very practical, thoughtful consideration of how to have conversations with greater compassion and understanding (in galley).
June 30, 2023
A succinct guide to basic nonviolent communication focusing on overcoming your own feelings that interrupt your desire for kindness and a road map for ways to be kinder to yourself and the world. I think my two favorite takeaways are to remember that all of us will be victim, ally and perpetrator of bigotry at some point, so to treat ourselves and others with grace as best we are able, and to make sure to gain some time to process negative emotions should we be "called out" but also to remember that none of us are 1 moment or 1 misstep, and any corrections should be seen through the appropriate lens. Was this an oopsy or a pattern?
Also, in light of the recent court decision, a good reminder that thinking about otherness is an important step on the process to making everyone feel they belong, which is the actual end goal of DE&I--not to "make space" as if it's my seat that I have to budge off of, but to coexist in a shared space that we all claim.
Also, in light of the recent court decision, a good reminder that thinking about otherness is an important step on the process to making everyone feel they belong, which is the actual end goal of DE&I--not to "make space" as if it's my seat that I have to budge off of, but to coexist in a shared space that we all claim.
March 6, 2023
I saw this book on a display at my local library (three cheers for local libraries!), saw it was a) focused on practical recommendations and b) short, thought I'd skim it to see if it would be a good resource for a loved one who's struggling with having conversations around these topics and asked me for advice... and ended up sitting in my car in the library parking lot for two hours reading it and then spending another hour finishing it in a restaurant when I finally realized I was hungry and cold.
I won't hesitate to admit that my rating is partially because I strongly agree with the nuanced, reflective approach of the authors. And if you're looking for guidelines or suggestions for activism, this isn't that book (though the authors do gently nudge people in that direction). But with those caveats, I strongly recommend this book.
I won't hesitate to admit that my rating is partially because I strongly agree with the nuanced, reflective approach of the authors. And if you're looking for guidelines or suggestions for activism, this isn't that book (though the authors do gently nudge people in that direction). But with those caveats, I strongly recommend this book.
February 7, 2023
The authors achieve their goal of being "relentlessly practical" - this book is full of shame-free advice based on pop culture situations (Kylie Jenner, Trever Noah, etc.). It's shame-free. It reminds me to continue to lean into discomfort. I found useful nuggets on every single page - and "useful" is one of the highest compliments I can give. The best Diversity, Equity and Inclusion book I've read.
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October 14, 2025I'm not giving this a rating b/c it's nonfiction and I read it for work. Still counting it towards my annual reading goal!
February 16, 2023
I received a copy of this book via Netgalley Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own.
I have made it a goal of mine to keep learning how to talk about diversity in non confrontational manner. This book has amazing insight on both the speakers and listeners point of views and brought of things I never thought about.
It is a wonderful tool that, reminds it is my responsibility to educate myself and if I don't understand something it just means I don't understand it yet, not that I never well
I have made it a goal of mine to keep learning how to talk about diversity in non confrontational manner. This book has amazing insight on both the speakers and listeners point of views and brought of things I never thought about.
It is a wonderful tool that, reminds it is my responsibility to educate myself and if I don't understand something it just means I don't understand it yet, not that I never well
February 17, 2023
Very helpful!
I found this book helpful, conversations have become more complicated around gender for me. Now I have some tools to work with.
Thank you to the books authors!
I found this book helpful, conversations have become more complicated around gender for me. Now I have some tools to work with.
Thank you to the books authors!
February 18, 2023
So immediately useful for communicating generally. I can’t recommend this enough.
August 5, 2025
5/5
A wonderful book that gives you tools to use right away.
I love this book and will recommend it to everyone! The authors are gay men and reference their own failings when having conversations on identity. They "pledge to give you practical advice, not to shame you, and to galvanize you." I believe they did exactly that. They often show how it's okay to make mistakes and how to come back from it. It was explained in ways that made it easy to understand, work through, and help in the areas that you have power and priviledge.
It's short, under 200 pages, as Yoshino and Glasgow wanted it to be practical and have you going out there and practicing having these conversations. The chapters cover conversational traps, resilience, curiosity, being able to disagree, real apologies, the Platinum Rule, and being an ally to the Source. The Platinum Rule is helping others how they want to be helped, instead of how you want to help them. The Source is the person who has made the comment, you can choose to help them grow from a conversation instead of instantly jumping down their throat and calling them a bigot.
I really enjoyed the chapter about apologies most. It goes over some types of fake apologies and how to give an authentic one. Also, it mentions that there's more work after the act of saying sorry, it's not just you say it and you're free. As in many parts of this book, I found examples that have happened to me but I also saw myself in the examples. It helped remind me we're all trying to grow.
I don't have strong feelings against (or for) cancel culture, I do think it helped bring justice to some people which was very necessary. This book spoke of it in a way that brought the humanity back to people. I was realizing that I was seeing things in black and white, not shades of grey. Now they're not saying be an ally for Amber Cooper, she's a stranger and it'll take more energy for you to help. Allow someone closer to do that work. Instead, focus on the people in your inner circles; at home, at work, at school. This is where you'll have the most impact. They reference Susan Lucia Annuzio's 20/60/20 rule where 20% are really open to inclusion and identity work, 60% are the movable middle, and the final 20% are the immovable bigots. Don't "cancel" people by throwing them instantly into the final 20% after one conversation. Give it some time to settle and allow them to try to change. But, if they've already shown that they're immovable, stop wasting energy and move on.
It was these little reminders that showed we all make mistakes and we're all learning. It's okay. I'm more hopeful now that more people are in the middle 60% than getting frustrated instantly and throwing them into the immovable 20%. It'll still take time to be better at having and holding these conversations but this book sure did help break it down!
I love this book and I would love my own copy to annotate. I can't wait to display this book at my local library and talk about it with my coworkers! Seriously, check you local library for a copy! I hope you find it as useful as I did!
A wonderful book that gives you tools to use right away.
I love this book and will recommend it to everyone! The authors are gay men and reference their own failings when having conversations on identity. They "pledge to give you practical advice, not to shame you, and to galvanize you." I believe they did exactly that. They often show how it's okay to make mistakes and how to come back from it. It was explained in ways that made it easy to understand, work through, and help in the areas that you have power and priviledge.
It's short, under 200 pages, as Yoshino and Glasgow wanted it to be practical and have you going out there and practicing having these conversations. The chapters cover conversational traps, resilience, curiosity, being able to disagree, real apologies, the Platinum Rule, and being an ally to the Source. The Platinum Rule is helping others how they want to be helped, instead of how you want to help them. The Source is the person who has made the comment, you can choose to help them grow from a conversation instead of instantly jumping down their throat and calling them a bigot.
I really enjoyed the chapter about apologies most. It goes over some types of fake apologies and how to give an authentic one. Also, it mentions that there's more work after the act of saying sorry, it's not just you say it and you're free. As in many parts of this book, I found examples that have happened to me but I also saw myself in the examples. It helped remind me we're all trying to grow.
I don't have strong feelings against (or for) cancel culture, I do think it helped bring justice to some people which was very necessary. This book spoke of it in a way that brought the humanity back to people. I was realizing that I was seeing things in black and white, not shades of grey. Now they're not saying be an ally for Amber Cooper, she's a stranger and it'll take more energy for you to help. Allow someone closer to do that work. Instead, focus on the people in your inner circles; at home, at work, at school. This is where you'll have the most impact. They reference Susan Lucia Annuzio's 20/60/20 rule where 20% are really open to inclusion and identity work, 60% are the movable middle, and the final 20% are the immovable bigots. Don't "cancel" people by throwing them instantly into the final 20% after one conversation. Give it some time to settle and allow them to try to change. But, if they've already shown that they're immovable, stop wasting energy and move on.
It was these little reminders that showed we all make mistakes and we're all learning. It's okay. I'm more hopeful now that more people are in the middle 60% than getting frustrated instantly and throwing them into the immovable 20%. It'll still take time to be better at having and holding these conversations but this book sure did help break it down!
I love this book and I would love my own copy to annotate. I can't wait to display this book at my local library and talk about it with my coworkers! Seriously, check you local library for a copy! I hope you find it as useful as I did!
December 9, 2023
I’m a big fan of Kenji Yoshino’s work and came to this book with high expectations. I thought it was excellent and a fantastic primer for people who want to educate themselves about being inclusive - both positive things everybody can do, as well as thoughtful explanations of why certain behaviors are negative.
This provides solid grounding for people who want to do better, but don’t know how. The tone of this book is about compassion, assuming the best in people, and inviting people to do better.
It may feel elementary for people who have been deeply immersed in these issues for years, but I found the data and anecdotes used throughout the book really enhanced the work and strongly recommend to everyone.
This provides solid grounding for people who want to do better, but don’t know how. The tone of this book is about compassion, assuming the best in people, and inviting people to do better.
It may feel elementary for people who have been deeply immersed in these issues for years, but I found the data and anecdotes used throughout the book really enhanced the work and strongly recommend to everyone.
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December 4, 2024I appreciated this book’s concise yet effective strategies in navigating tough conversations about identity. I can be really anxious about saying the wrong thing, and I’m always learning, so I found this book to be a helpful tool!
February 29, 2024
Incredibly solid and usable
January 7, 2024
I loved this book because it is so general yet very specific. It manages to talk about different forms of discrimination without judging one as worse than another.
I think this is a wonderful book for allies who like more practical guidance of how to interact effectively with affected and non-affected people. This book acknowledges that we are all not perfect and implements human imperfections in their recommendations.
I found this to be a holistic book, summarizing lots of findings into one. Maybe not a lot of new things for people who are already into communicating respectfully, but still a very nice and informative read!
I think this is a wonderful book for allies who like more practical guidance of how to interact effectively with affected and non-affected people. This book acknowledges that we are all not perfect and implements human imperfections in their recommendations.
I found this to be a holistic book, summarizing lots of findings into one. Maybe not a lot of new things for people who are already into communicating respectfully, but still a very nice and informative read!
August 10, 2023
I thought this book was great. All the examples made it enjoyable to read. The authors were humble, encouraging, and well qualified to tackle this sensitive topic. And while the book did give a lot of ideas and information about having identity conversations, I felt like the techniques would apply to potentially difficult conversations of all types. I'm very glad I read this book.
December 23, 2023
Very practical book, with tons of humanity and compassion. One of the authors, Kenji Yoshino, has spoken at my company the last two years, fantastic. This book is for anyone who wants to live in a world where they are learning, growing, improving, loving. Who aspire to be an ally, and welcome the work it will take.
May 15, 2023
Solid information and real life examples to help with knowing how and when to speak up, develop greater awareness, gain a clearer perspective, and put theory into practice. A great book for those wanting to learn better to do better.
March 11, 2023
Great intro on all things DEI.
May 24, 2023
Necessary reading for…everyone!
February 22, 2024
Such a good book making you think about the way you think, act and speak around others. Discusses points on how to be respectful and not to bowl over others you think you are trying to help (maybe they don’t want help or what a different kind of help). Makes you feel ok for being quiet and listening more. But also feeling more bold to speak up if needed, but in a gentle way.
October 15, 2025
This book is absolutely fantastic and I wish everyone could read it! so helpful in breaking down specifics about how to have tough identity conversations while also acknowledging there is nuance in everything. Highly recommended for anyone looking to expand their conversational abilities as an ally.
October 31, 2023
This is a solid starter book. I was looking for something a little more advanced, but for introductory purposes this is good.
March 28, 2024
A must read! This book offers meaningful, clear, practical guidance. The authors' examples are so relatable and understandable. I'm grateful to the colleague at work who gave me her copy. I will pay it forward!
April 19, 2023
helpful!!
February 22, 2024
Practical and helpful.
February 24, 2024
A helpful, valuable book. Everyone should read and reflect on it.
August 13, 2025
Reflecting before schools starts - summer reading for dialogue skills!
March 13, 2023
This is a great read, even for seasoned or trained diversity/equity/inclusion workers. The authors don't offer scripts (you can find those easily enough online, if needed), but they do offer a variety of ideas to start thinking about how you would or could respond to certain situations.
The book is short and sweet, with a list of highlights/key points at the end of each chapter (for easy later reference). I do think that the subtitle of the book could've been different (and more inclusive!) to allow for a wider audience. While the major points of the book are handling difficult situations regarding identity and justice, there is a larger element of "just say the right thing as much as you can" for a variety of situations. I love how the authors analyzed celebrities (or internet-famous people) in different situations and looking at what they said and how it was interpreted by different people. It is clarifying to see a situation from a lot of angles and think about how words affect different identities in different ways.
There's a great part about apologies (they could probably write a whole different book on the art of apologies) and handling different situtaions with grace and humility (they consider growth midset and empathy to be the way to move forward in difficult conversations).
This is a fabulous book that would make for great discussions, book clubs, professional development, educational and workplace settings, and all around just making sure that we are good people to other people. It's harder than it looks, but we can all get better at saying the right thing.
The book is short and sweet, with a list of highlights/key points at the end of each chapter (for easy later reference). I do think that the subtitle of the book could've been different (and more inclusive!) to allow for a wider audience. While the major points of the book are handling difficult situations regarding identity and justice, there is a larger element of "just say the right thing as much as you can" for a variety of situations. I love how the authors analyzed celebrities (or internet-famous people) in different situations and looking at what they said and how it was interpreted by different people. It is clarifying to see a situation from a lot of angles and think about how words affect different identities in different ways.
There's a great part about apologies (they could probably write a whole different book on the art of apologies) and handling different situtaions with grace and humility (they consider growth midset and empathy to be the way to move forward in difficult conversations).
This is a fabulous book that would make for great discussions, book clubs, professional development, educational and workplace settings, and all around just making sure that we are good people to other people. It's harder than it looks, but we can all get better at saying the right thing.
June 19, 2023
What a terrible book. Don't be fooled. It's simply a self help book for the conversationally impaired masquerading as a progressive play book. Nowhere in their book do they simply say, show constant respect for others.
These guys are identified as NYU Law School professors/ adjuncts. I hope their legal acumen exceeds the logic displayed in many portions of this book. Among their arguments are confirmational bias (I believe it, so it's true, and I don't believe it, so it's false) and "gotta be one to be an expert." (So much for all the male obstetricians and female urologists dealing with prostate issues.)
They did introduce me to the platinum rule (do unto others as they want you to do unto them) as a modern upgrade to the golden rule. Of course that's after they finished explaining in deep detail that you couldn't and shouldn't presume to know what another person is feeling and living.
At least they were honest enough to identify the contradictory statements they were making. And thus, negating almost every argument they presented.
There is one glaring absence from this book. (I think this topic is missing from the progressive political position as I have observed it.) That absence is noting that people in power want to remain in power while people without power want to get some. The real questions to be dealt with are: what will those with power do to hold it, what will those without power do to obtain it, and once the powerless get some power what will they do to keep it?
Now that's a book I would read.
These guys are identified as NYU Law School professors/ adjuncts. I hope their legal acumen exceeds the logic displayed in many portions of this book. Among their arguments are confirmational bias (I believe it, so it's true, and I don't believe it, so it's false) and "gotta be one to be an expert." (So much for all the male obstetricians and female urologists dealing with prostate issues.)
They did introduce me to the platinum rule (do unto others as they want you to do unto them) as a modern upgrade to the golden rule. Of course that's after they finished explaining in deep detail that you couldn't and shouldn't presume to know what another person is feeling and living.
At least they were honest enough to identify the contradictory statements they were making. And thus, negating almost every argument they presented.
There is one glaring absence from this book. (I think this topic is missing from the progressive political position as I have observed it.) That absence is noting that people in power want to remain in power while people without power want to get some. The real questions to be dealt with are: what will those with power do to hold it, what will those without power do to obtain it, and once the powerless get some power what will they do to keep it?
Now that's a book I would read.
June 29, 2023
A very instructive book. A lot of good real world examples, the sort of scenarios many people will find themselves in at the workplace or in family/social gatherings. The authors have clear and understandable frameworks for how to think about what is being said to you and how to think about what you say.
Something else that stands out about this book is that the authors acknowledge cancel culture, and warn against it. They in no way condone bad behavior, but they don't see it as a productive way to make improvements. Of course, most of their scenarios assume that most people are basically good, caring people. If someone's whole thing is being a jerk, this book can't help them or anyone who is speaking with them.
I tend toward the more philosophical, studious stuff when reading about identity, so it was a nice change to read something so practical. This one's worth keeping around to consult from time to time.
Something else that stands out about this book is that the authors acknowledge cancel culture, and warn against it. They in no way condone bad behavior, but they don't see it as a productive way to make improvements. Of course, most of their scenarios assume that most people are basically good, caring people. If someone's whole thing is being a jerk, this book can't help them or anyone who is speaking with them.
I tend toward the more philosophical, studious stuff when reading about identity, so it was a nice change to read something so practical. This one's worth keeping around to consult from time to time.
April 10, 2023
For me, this book is the right place and the right time, and I feel that it hits the sweet spot for an audience who would read a book on this subject. The authors do a marvellous job where books by Robin DiAngelo and Ibram X. Kendi are lacking, teaching the reader how to have that difficult conversation and be an engaging ally.
As diversity and inclusion topics rise to prominence, I found a lot of media telling consumers what to think, leaving a big knowledge gap between the two ends of the spectrum with little instruction on how HOW to bridge it. Finally Say the Right Thing is here for all the folks who mean well but are too fearful of unintended backlash to be an engaging ally. It gives assurance to the reader that it’s okay to make mistakes, provided you are open minded, listening, and always learning.
I hope to put what I learned in this book into more frequent action.
As diversity and inclusion topics rise to prominence, I found a lot of media telling consumers what to think, leaving a big knowledge gap between the two ends of the spectrum with little instruction on how HOW to bridge it. Finally Say the Right Thing is here for all the folks who mean well but are too fearful of unintended backlash to be an engaging ally. It gives assurance to the reader that it’s okay to make mistakes, provided you are open minded, listening, and always learning.
I hope to put what I learned in this book into more frequent action.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 109 reviews