Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships

by Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren, Emily Sotelo Matlack

Relationships aren't "one-size-fits-all" so why should relationship advice be? Multiamory offers practical, research-based communication tools for the full spectrum of modern relationships.

When  Multiamory  authors Dedeker Winston, Emily Sotelo Matlack, and Jase Lindgren started producing their advice show about polyamory and other non-traditional relationships, they received dozens of questions from listeners about all sorts of relationship quandaries and communication stalemates. They quickly found out that existing relationship tools weren't up to the task, and that conventional wisdom is sorely lacking for modern relationships. Many of the primary resources for relationship advice are frustratingly religious, unapproachable and academic, or alienating to anyone who falls outside the mainstream of heterosexual monogamy.

Over the course of many years and hundreds of episodes, they have spent hours nerding out over research, reading up on evidence-based relationship advice, and listening to the personal struggles of hundreds of couples and individuals. They have re-tooled commonplace communication frameworks to fit modern-day relationships, and when there was no existing tool that fit, they put on their inventor hats and developed their own. This has led to the creation of  Essential Tools for Modern Relationships , a curated collection of the most popular communication tools, advice, and wisdom from the  Multiamory  podcast that have helped thousands of listeners improve their communication and create healthy relationships. In this book, you'll learn how
 
 

Genres: Relationships, Nonfiction, Polyamory, Self Help, Psychology, Queer, Love

326 pages, Paperback

Published May 23, 2023

Reviews

[Samantha · Rating 5 out of 5]

I adore this podcast and having the resources in a book was excellent. I’ll be using this both professionally and personally.

[Kaylee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Compassionate curiosity--don't assume, jump to conclusions, or presume a person understands. Ask!

Biggest takeaway anyone can have from anything. No idea how many times I've had things assumed about me and had said thing be completely wrong. A lot of time and energy (and feelings) could have been saved if the person who made the assumption, only asked.

And I try my hardest to not do the same to others. Or, if I catch myself doing so, force myself to stop the thought and ask whenever possible. Sometimes easier said than done. For quite a while now, when I find myself dwelling on something (usually negative), that's especially when I know I need to ask about it. No matter how awkward it might be.

I've been listening to the Multiamory podcast for years now and I truly love their work and thoughtfulness that is shown in each episode. When I heard they were finally writing this book, I was ecstatic and couldn't wait to get my hands on it. It didn't disappoint.

Eventually, I will add more to this review. I wanted to read through once and take it all in before pulling more quotes or anything extra like that. It's definitely one I will come back to again and again - not only for advice here, but the worksheets, as well. So great to have it all in one place at my fingertips.

Recommended for everyone who is trying to improve themselves, have better understanding/compassion for others and others who want more tips and tricks for all types of relationships.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm a long-time fan of the Multiamory podcast and was excited when I heard they were going to be putting out a book. While I've listened to the show long enough that there wasn't much new content for me, I think this is an excellent guide to the most helpful tools the Multiamory team has created over the years for having healthy communication in all kinds of relationships. Each chapter is dedicated to a different tool, with realistic example scenarios and dialogues showing common communication challenges and how the tools can help. There's also an extensive appendix of "Extra Tools" that cover other strategies often referenced on the podcast, both those created by the hosts and ones they've found helpful from the world of relationship research. The advice in this book is inclusive of non-monogamous relationships but isn't exclusive to that kind of relationship structure, nor is it applicable only to romantic/sexual relationships. I think anyone could find something valuable to take away from this book!

[Maartje Hensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful tools! I’m not a big podcast listener (and the vast amount of episodes Multiamory has put out already overwhelms me) so this guidebook was ideal for me, getting straight (in a queer way) to the point, whilst also pointing out what episodes to listen to for further elaboration. Feels like a really well-rounded piece of work with consideration of different angles (attachment styles, neurodivergence, gender, sexuality, race, etc.). Highly recommend!

[Paige · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think every person, regardless of gender, sexual identity, relationship style, etc., could learn something from this book. It's solid, science-backed advice for relationships and communication from a viewpoint that's as inclusive as possible. I'm resisting the urge to buy this for everyone for Christmas

[Lily · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book could have been an email.

I say it in jest, but I’m not sure if the tools, stories, and lessons in this book needed to be a book, or if blog posts would have shared the information just as well in a more concise manner.

I think the methods contained are important, and having a book certainly shares it to a wider audience (more than just the podcast does), but it seems like it was a rehashing and retelling of things that were already said in a way that felt a bit drawn out and overextended to reach a page count.

If someone is new to these ideas I would probably recommend the podcast to them while instead opting to suggest More Than Two as a text. The ideas in the book aren’t bad by any means (they are really good!), but at 300 pages I’m just not sure if the info-to-page-count quality is there for me.

[Viviane · Rating 5 out of 5]

So awesome <3

[hollydoe · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved the book as much as the podcast

[Tessa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is very focused on practical tools; each chapter has one model or tool, drawn from the podcast. The book is not theorizing about attachment theory (or, thank goodness, about how polyamory is more evolved or ethical than monogamy) just presenting some tools that I do expect to use. Some of their language remains a little cute for my taste (I am not going to say "Triforce #3" instead of "looking for advice") but their acronyms (Repair SHOP, RADAR) were actually quite memorable and I think I'll be making use of microscripts.

[Neil · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ignore that this book was born out of a podcast focusing on consensually non monogamous relationships. Instead of a narrow view of what healthy relationships looks like, the authors have created tools that work well in friendships, familial relationships, monogamous partnerships, non monogamous partnerships, work relationships, queer and straight couples. They have succeeded in broad appeal and yet specific advice. I can’t imagine any open minded open hearted reader wouldn’t be able to apply the tools in this book to multiple relationships in their lives.

[Chez Jennings · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my favorite new books on relationships, and has earned a long term spot on my shelf. Inclusive language and overall great advice regardless of your relationship identity or structure. Looking forward to using this as a reference

[Simón · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 Stars

I'm sensitive to the voice of advice books -- too academic or clinical and I don't feel encouraged enough; too casual and gendered, I wonder what kind of expertise the authors can claim. This book strikes the perfect balance in drawing from and reifying social sciencey studies (e.g. about relationality like conflict resolution and predictors of relationship longevity) and drawing from relatable fictional anecdotes to demonstrate the tools in action.

Incredibly dense -- there's no wasted filler or pointless stories here. Every chapter is closely focused on a single "tool," like a conversational structure, to help one get in touch with your own needs and wants/listen to others needs and wants, that can be applied across a huge range of interactions. Often, I skim the anecdotes in these kinds of books because they're really normcore and I find it difficult to relate to as someone who is not married, child free, car free, career free, etc. However, these use-case stories were populated with queer and nonbinary characters with different types of relationship structures and values.

Super insightful -- In some cases, I found language here to articulate things that my friends/partners and I already do intuitively, which is so helpful to the potential to isolate and reproduce these pro-social moves. For example, practicing acknowledging someone's vulnerability and bravery in bringing something up, even when part of you is feeling avoidant or a little surprised, by saying a pat phrase like, "I'm grateful you felt comfortable talking about this." In other cases, I wasn't as experienced or aware of the tool, but it felt completely accessible and implementable. The best example of that would be the shortcut phrases designed to short-circuit a dysfunctional dance and create new pathways. I've used idiolects to help frame an impulse or habit, but not as a cue to respond differently.

Better than the podcast -- I listen to Multiamory off and on because I find that it is more or less aligned with my philosophy of relationships. However, I'm not a fan of podcasts in general, nor is it my preferred method of learning. Plus, the podcast has more of a feel of different personalities and perspectives. However, this book maintains a stable, warm voice throughout, and the diversity of perspectives is integrated into the discussions about what a tool might look like "in the field." I find this easier to absorb. In my opinion, the united voice here is more likeable and trustworthy.

Annotated bibliography -- Each chapter includes wisdom from a podcaster, relationship coach, therapist, or content creator. So this book is a great introduction to other experts that you can connect with if their wheelhouse sounds interesting.

I want to get a hard copy so I can keep this in my reference library.

[Tressa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Regardless of your relationship orientation/style (monogamous, consensual non-monogamous, single, in a relationship, etc.), this title has some good advice about how to communicate better in ALL of your relationships, set boundaries, and how to talk about your relationships.

I hadn’t realized that the authors of this title have a podcast called “Multiamory” and I think it makes sense to pair the various topics/chapters in the book with related podcast episodes.

[Jake · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Use this for good. Use this for love. Use this for the people who you care about most.”

Recommend x10!!!!!!!!!!

Pluckable and efficacious tools for anyone in any type of relationship. The book used humor well and felt super grounded in reality as it broached numerous topics of meta-communication and common pitfalls of relationship disconnect.

[Dylanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best relationship advice books I've read! The tools are well laid out and easy to follow for any relationship type. I really look forward to reading more from them in the future (hopefully)

[Josh Freund · Rating 4 out of 5]

A thoughtful, well-written primer from the hosts of one of my favorite podcasts on how to develop healthier relationships and more effectively communicate with those you’re close to. Applicable to non-monogamous and monogamous relationships, romantic, platonic, and otherwise. A worthwhile read. 👌

[Loz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been listening to this podcast for years and I cannot stress how amazing it is as a free resource.

This book is a great summary of their best relationship tools, and they do really work. I'd recommend RADARS to anyone!

[Carly Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a really great read for all kinds of relationship and communication advice. I pride myself on my communication skills and still learned a lot from reading this. I only wish it was longer, there was so much good advice!

[Jules Klingman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book while going through a hard time in my personal life. I wish I had read it earlier so I could find a way to have better communication with my relationships (romantically and non-romantically).

I will be using these tools from now on, and I am happy I found them in the moment I am.

[Sean · Rating 4 out of 5]

Even though it was written by folks who host a polyamory podcast, this book has tons of great communication advice for any kind of relationship.

Definitely a fan of their relationship check in ideas and how to repair after a conflict.

[Jenni · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty much just stuff that's already covered in more detail on the podcast. The tools section in the back is nice to have a quick and concise reference for future relationship needs. I didn't really like the stories, I felt they were a lot of filler.

[Morgan Allen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fun and easy read for those looking to grow in their relationships! Love the podcast and the conversational style translated to the book!

[Andrew · Rating 4 out of 5]

Much more about communication skills than it is about nonmonogamy.

[witchling · Rating 5 out of 5]

❤️❤️❤️multiamory has been my polyamory friend before I had any irl ones. This book is a handy reference for the top tools introduced on the podcast and feels like hanging out w old friends

[Maria · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an amazing book. Gets to the core of communication in any type of relationship (partner, friend, work)
Really wish I’d read this sooner.

[David Emery · Rating 4 out of 5]

Multiamory's Greatest Hits. I love the podcast and this is a nice, handy collection of the useful tools they espouse.

[Tuuli - Korpimaan lukija · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hyvä kirja, hyviä vinkkejä kommunikoinnin kehittämiseen. Suosittelen.

[Michelle Turner · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was good and I’m thankful to have the tools at my disposal but ultimately I value the podcast so much more than their writing. The stories felt a little redundant!

[Angela Schifani · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cannot recommend this book enough for folks who are experiencing communication breakdowns in their relationships. This is especially helpful for those in polyamorous relationships!

[Peter Andreae · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book contains a lot of useful tools. You could listen to the podcast, but Emily, Jase, and Dedeker like to talk a lot. I f you have the book, you can skip over the filler.