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Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships
Relationships aren't "one-size-fits-all" so why should relationship advice be? Multiamory offers practical, research-based communication tools for the full spectrum of modern relationships.
When Multiamory authors Dedeker Winston, Emily Sotelo Matlack, and Jase Lindgren started producing their advice show about polyamory and other non-traditional relationships, they received dozens of questions from listeners about all sorts of relationship quandaries and communication stalemates. They quickly found out that existing relationship tools weren't up to the task, and that conventional wisdom is sorely lacking for modern relationships. Many of the primary resources for relationship advice are frustratingly religious, unapproachable and academic, or alienating to anyone who falls outside the mainstream of heterosexual monogamy.
Over the course of many years and hundreds of episodes, they have spent hours nerding out over research, reading up on evidence-based relationship advice, and listening to the personal struggles of hundreds of couples and individuals. They have re-tooled commonplace communication frameworks to fit modern-day relationships, and when there was no existing tool that fit, they put on their inventor hats and developed their own. This has led to the creation of Essential Tools for Modern Relationships , a curated collection of the most popular communication tools, advice, and wisdom from the Multiamory podcast that have helped thousands of listeners improve their communication and create healthy relationships. In this book, you'll learn how
When Multiamory authors Dedeker Winston, Emily Sotelo Matlack, and Jase Lindgren started producing their advice show about polyamory and other non-traditional relationships, they received dozens of questions from listeners about all sorts of relationship quandaries and communication stalemates. They quickly found out that existing relationship tools weren't up to the task, and that conventional wisdom is sorely lacking for modern relationships. Many of the primary resources for relationship advice are frustratingly religious, unapproachable and academic, or alienating to anyone who falls outside the mainstream of heterosexual monogamy.
Over the course of many years and hundreds of episodes, they have spent hours nerding out over research, reading up on evidence-based relationship advice, and listening to the personal struggles of hundreds of couples and individuals. They have re-tooled commonplace communication frameworks to fit modern-day relationships, and when there was no existing tool that fit, they put on their inventor hats and developed their own. This has led to the creation of Essential Tools for Modern Relationships , a curated collection of the most popular communication tools, advice, and wisdom from the Multiamory podcast that have helped thousands of listeners improve their communication and create healthy relationships. In this book, you'll learn how
326 pages, Paperback
Published May 23, 2023
166 people are currently reading
1060 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews
September 14, 2023
I adore this podcast and having the resources in a book was excellent. I’ll be using this both professionally and personally.
June 20, 2023
Compassionate curiosity--don't assume, jump to conclusions, or presume a person understands. Ask!
Biggest takeaway anyone can have from anything. No idea how many times I've had things assumed about me and had said thing be completely wrong. A lot of time and energy (and feelings) could have been saved if the person who made the assumption, only asked.
And I try my hardest to not do the same to others. Or, if I catch myself doing so, force myself to stop the thought and ask whenever possible. Sometimes easier said than done. For quite a while now, when I find myself dwelling on something (usually negative), that's especially when I know I need to ask about it. No matter how awkward it might be.
I've been listening to the Multiamory podcast for years now and I truly love their work and thoughtfulness that is shown in each episode. When I heard they were finally writing this book, I was ecstatic and couldn't wait to get my hands on it. It didn't disappoint.
Eventually, I will add more to this review. I wanted to read through once and take it all in before pulling more quotes or anything extra like that. It's definitely one I will come back to again and again - not only for advice here, but the worksheets, as well. So great to have it all in one place at my fingertips.
Recommended for everyone who is trying to improve themselves, have better understanding/compassion for others and others who want more tips and tricks for all types of relationships.
January 3, 2024
I'm a long-time fan of the Multiamory podcast and was excited when I heard they were going to be putting out a book. While I've listened to the show long enough that there wasn't much new content for me, I think this is an excellent guide to the most helpful tools the Multiamory team has created over the years for having healthy communication in all kinds of relationships. Each chapter is dedicated to a different tool, with realistic example scenarios and dialogues showing common communication challenges and how the tools can help. There's also an extensive appendix of "Extra Tools" that cover other strategies often referenced on the podcast, both those created by the hosts and ones they've found helpful from the world of relationship research. The advice in this book is inclusive of non-monogamous relationships but isn't exclusive to that kind of relationship structure, nor is it applicable only to romantic/sexual relationships. I think anyone could find something valuable to take away from this book!
October 17, 2024
Very helpful tools! I’m not a big podcast listener (and the vast amount of episodes Multiamory has put out already overwhelms me) so this guidebook was ideal for me, getting straight (in a queer way) to the point, whilst also pointing out what episodes to listen to for further elaboration. Feels like a really well-rounded piece of work with consideration of different angles (attachment styles, neurodivergence, gender, sexuality, race, etc.). Highly recommend!
August 14, 2023
I think every person, regardless of gender, sexual identity, relationship style, etc., could learn something from this book. It's solid, science-backed advice for relationships and communication from a viewpoint that's as inclusive as possible. I'm resisting the urge to buy this for everyone for Christmas
June 17, 2025
This book could have been an email.
I say it in jest, but I’m not sure if the tools, stories, and lessons in this book needed to be a book, or if blog posts would have shared the information just as well in a more concise manner.
I think the methods contained are important, and having a book certainly shares it to a wider audience (more than just the podcast does), but it seems like it was a rehashing and retelling of things that were already said in a way that felt a bit drawn out and overextended to reach a page count.
If someone is new to these ideas I would probably recommend the podcast to them while instead opting to suggest More Than Two as a text. The ideas in the book aren’t bad by any means (they are really good!), but at 300 pages I’m just not sure if the info-to-page-count quality is there for me.
I say it in jest, but I’m not sure if the tools, stories, and lessons in this book needed to be a book, or if blog posts would have shared the information just as well in a more concise manner.
I think the methods contained are important, and having a book certainly shares it to a wider audience (more than just the podcast does), but it seems like it was a rehashing and retelling of things that were already said in a way that felt a bit drawn out and overextended to reach a page count.
If someone is new to these ideas I would probably recommend the podcast to them while instead opting to suggest More Than Two as a text. The ideas in the book aren’t bad by any means (they are really good!), but at 300 pages I’m just not sure if the info-to-page-count quality is there for me.
July 4, 2023
So awesome <3
October 29, 2024
I loved the book as much as the podcast
June 29, 2023
This book is very focused on practical tools; each chapter has one model or tool, drawn from the podcast. The book is not theorizing about attachment theory (or, thank goodness, about how polyamory is more evolved or ethical than monogamy) just presenting some tools that I do expect to use. Some of their language remains a little cute for my taste (I am not going to say "Triforce #3" instead of "looking for advice") but their acronyms (Repair SHOP, RADAR) were actually quite memorable and I think I'll be making use of microscripts.
August 19, 2023
Ignore that this book was born out of a podcast focusing on consensually non monogamous relationships. Instead of a narrow view of what healthy relationships looks like, the authors have created tools that work well in friendships, familial relationships, monogamous partnerships, non monogamous partnerships, work relationships, queer and straight couples. They have succeeded in broad appeal and yet specific advice. I can’t imagine any open minded open hearted reader wouldn’t be able to apply the tools in this book to multiple relationships in their lives.
July 6, 2023
One of my favorite new books on relationships, and has earned a long term spot on my shelf. Inclusive language and overall great advice regardless of your relationship identity or structure. Looking forward to using this as a reference
Currently reading
March 5, 2026Audio book available on Hoopla
E-Book available on Libby (Northern California Digital Library, Alameda county, SF Public Library, and Sunnyvale libraries)
----------------
0:48:17 Chapter 1: What is Good Communication?
----------------
- How do you feel about good communication vs a partner knowing you?
- When have good communication habits helped you connect? When have they "been weaponized"?
- When have good communication patterns helped you outside of romantic and sexual relationships?
----------------
0:54:04 Chapter 2: The Triforce of Communication - Go Meta in Your Conversations
----------------
The Triforce of Communication:
🔺 Sharing and being heard/connecting. Status updates
🔺 Sympathy/support or celebration. Empathy, encouragement
🔺 Advice or decisionmaking/problemsolving. Collaboration, teamwork
Special cases:
- Chronic issues/depression: Sometimes information vs support or advice
- Neurodiversity: Explicit is better
- Coaching: Default to advice
Exercise: Practice with silly stories
For more: Multiamory Eps 83 159
Discussion Q's:
- What feelings do you have about practicing communication patterns? Curiosity? Confidence? Anxiety? Guilt? Shame?
- When unsure is starting with empathy ever a bad idea?
- Has this chapter inspired any conversations?
----------------
0:51:04 Chapter 3: Spewers and Chewers: Be Proactive About Your Processing Style
----------------
What are your thoughts on the Labels disclaimer?
Are you an internal processor, external processor, or both?
What aspects of internal processor apply to you?
- When faced with a dilemma or emotional decision, you need time alone to process your thoughts. Journaling meditation or are often helpful ways of doing this.
- You don't like having to state your opinion or feelings until they are fully formed.
- When you do state decision, it's final and not likely to be up for further discussion.
- You are hesitant to share your thoughts while in the midst of processing unless you feel very safe.
- Before a meeting or presentation, you prefer lots of prep time to organize your thoughts.
- You form complete thoughts in your head before saying them out loud.
- You choose your words carefully and deliberately.
- Others sometimes accuse you of being unemotional, rigid, or withdrawn.
- During a heated discussion, you feel a need to take a time-out to process your thoughts
What aspects of external processor apply to you?
- When faced with a dilemma or emotional decision, you want to seek out a trusted friend to listen while you talk it out.
- You feel trapped or stuck if you can't find anyone to talk to about a decision or your feelings.
- When you are talking through your feelings, you may say things that you don't actually believe or agree with while trying to work something out.
- You find it hard to keep your thoughts and feelings inside and would prefer to share them out loud to help understand them.
- You love brainstorming and sharing ideas with others.
- It's hard to know what you truly believe until you've said it out loud and evaluated how you feel about it.
- You may talk out loud to process even if nobody is around to hear you.
- Free-association writing may be helpful as a way to process your thoughts.
What do you think of guidance of 20 min to 24 hour processing time?
----------------
1:04:43 Chapter 4: Microscripts: Secret Codes for Communication
----------------
What are examples of your "Microscripts"?
In community?
- "Thank you for your honesty"
- "Thank you for taking care of yourself"
- "I'm feeling complete"
- "Ouch"
- "I'm not feeling chemistry"
What do you think about idiosyncratic language?
What timing feels right to you to learn a new habit? 2 weeks to a month?
----------------
0:57:50 Chapter 5: Boundaries: Communicate Clearly Where You Stand
----------------
----------------
1:18:45 Chapter 6: Repair SHOP: Mend And Prevent Conflict
----------------
----------------
1:04:59 Chapter 7: RADAR: Effective Relationship Check-ins
----------------
----------------
0:03:12 Use This for Good
----------------
----------------
0:32:09 Extra Tools
----------------
----------------
E-Book available on Libby (Northern California Digital Library, Alameda county, SF Public Library, and Sunnyvale libraries)
----------------
0:48:17 Chapter 1: What is Good Communication?
----------------
- How do you feel about good communication vs a partner knowing you?
- When have good communication habits helped you connect? When have they "been weaponized"?
- When have good communication patterns helped you outside of romantic and sexual relationships?
----------------
0:54:04 Chapter 2: The Triforce of Communication - Go Meta in Your Conversations
----------------
The Triforce of Communication:
🔺 Sharing and being heard/connecting. Status updates
🔺 Sympathy/support or celebration. Empathy, encouragement
🔺 Advice or decisionmaking/problemsolving. Collaboration, teamwork
Special cases:
- Chronic issues/depression: Sometimes information vs support or advice
- Neurodiversity: Explicit is better
- Coaching: Default to advice
Exercise: Practice with silly stories
For more: Multiamory Eps 83 159
Discussion Q's:
- What feelings do you have about practicing communication patterns? Curiosity? Confidence? Anxiety? Guilt? Shame?
- When unsure is starting with empathy ever a bad idea?
- Has this chapter inspired any conversations?
----------------
0:51:04 Chapter 3: Spewers and Chewers: Be Proactive About Your Processing Style
----------------
What are your thoughts on the Labels disclaimer?
Are you an internal processor, external processor, or both?
What aspects of internal processor apply to you?
- When faced with a dilemma or emotional decision, you need time alone to process your thoughts. Journaling meditation or are often helpful ways of doing this.
- You don't like having to state your opinion or feelings until they are fully formed.
- When you do state decision, it's final and not likely to be up for further discussion.
- You are hesitant to share your thoughts while in the midst of processing unless you feel very safe.
- Before a meeting or presentation, you prefer lots of prep time to organize your thoughts.
- You form complete thoughts in your head before saying them out loud.
- You choose your words carefully and deliberately.
- Others sometimes accuse you of being unemotional, rigid, or withdrawn.
- During a heated discussion, you feel a need to take a time-out to process your thoughts
What aspects of external processor apply to you?
- When faced with a dilemma or emotional decision, you want to seek out a trusted friend to listen while you talk it out.
- You feel trapped or stuck if you can't find anyone to talk to about a decision or your feelings.
- When you are talking through your feelings, you may say things that you don't actually believe or agree with while trying to work something out.
- You find it hard to keep your thoughts and feelings inside and would prefer to share them out loud to help understand them.
- You love brainstorming and sharing ideas with others.
- It's hard to know what you truly believe until you've said it out loud and evaluated how you feel about it.
- You may talk out loud to process even if nobody is around to hear you.
- Free-association writing may be helpful as a way to process your thoughts.
What do you think of guidance of 20 min to 24 hour processing time?
----------------
1:04:43 Chapter 4: Microscripts: Secret Codes for Communication
----------------
What are examples of your "Microscripts"?
In community?
- "Thank you for your honesty"
- "Thank you for taking care of yourself"
- "I'm feeling complete"
- "Ouch"
- "I'm not feeling chemistry"
What do you think about idiosyncratic language?
What timing feels right to you to learn a new habit? 2 weeks to a month?
----------------
0:57:50 Chapter 5: Boundaries: Communicate Clearly Where You Stand
----------------
----------------
1:18:45 Chapter 6: Repair SHOP: Mend And Prevent Conflict
----------------
----------------
1:04:59 Chapter 7: RADAR: Effective Relationship Check-ins
----------------
----------------
0:03:12 Use This for Good
----------------
----------------
0:32:09 Extra Tools
----------------
----------------
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 6, 2024
4.5 Stars
I'm sensitive to the voice of advice books -- too academic or clinical and I don't feel encouraged enough; too casual and gendered, I wonder what kind of expertise the authors can claim. This book strikes the perfect balance in drawing from and reifying social sciencey studies (e.g. about relationality like conflict resolution and predictors of relationship longevity) and drawing from relatable fictional anecdotes to demonstrate the tools in action.
Incredibly dense -- there's no wasted filler or pointless stories here. Every chapter is closely focused on a single "tool," like a conversational structure, to help one get in touch with your own needs and wants/listen to others needs and wants, that can be applied across a huge range of interactions. Often, I skim the anecdotes in these kinds of books because they're really normcore and I find it difficult to relate to as someone who is not married, child free, car free, career free, etc. However, these use-case stories were populated with queer and nonbinary characters with different types of relationship structures and values.
Super insightful -- In some cases, I found language here to articulate things that my friends/partners and I already do intuitively, which is so helpful to the potential to isolate and reproduce these pro-social moves. For example, practicing acknowledging someone's vulnerability and bravery in bringing something up, even when part of you is feeling avoidant or a little surprised, by saying a pat phrase like, "I'm grateful you felt comfortable talking about this." In other cases, I wasn't as experienced or aware of the tool, but it felt completely accessible and implementable. The best example of that would be the shortcut phrases designed to short-circuit a dysfunctional dance and create new pathways. I've used idiolects to help frame an impulse or habit, but not as a cue to respond differently.
Better than the podcast -- I listen to Multiamory off and on because I find that it is more or less aligned with my philosophy of relationships. However, I'm not a fan of podcasts in general, nor is it my preferred method of learning. Plus, the podcast has more of a feel of different personalities and perspectives. However, this book maintains a stable, warm voice throughout, and the diversity of perspectives is integrated into the discussions about what a tool might look like "in the field." I find this easier to absorb. In my opinion, the united voice here is more likeable and trustworthy.
Annotated bibliography -- Each chapter includes wisdom from a podcaster, relationship coach, therapist, or content creator. So this book is a great introduction to other experts that you can connect with if their wheelhouse sounds interesting.
I want to get a hard copy so I can keep this in my reference library.
I'm sensitive to the voice of advice books -- too academic or clinical and I don't feel encouraged enough; too casual and gendered, I wonder what kind of expertise the authors can claim. This book strikes the perfect balance in drawing from and reifying social sciencey studies (e.g. about relationality like conflict resolution and predictors of relationship longevity) and drawing from relatable fictional anecdotes to demonstrate the tools in action.
Incredibly dense -- there's no wasted filler or pointless stories here. Every chapter is closely focused on a single "tool," like a conversational structure, to help one get in touch with your own needs and wants/listen to others needs and wants, that can be applied across a huge range of interactions. Often, I skim the anecdotes in these kinds of books because they're really normcore and I find it difficult to relate to as someone who is not married, child free, car free, career free, etc. However, these use-case stories were populated with queer and nonbinary characters with different types of relationship structures and values.
Super insightful -- In some cases, I found language here to articulate things that my friends/partners and I already do intuitively, which is so helpful to the potential to isolate and reproduce these pro-social moves. For example, practicing acknowledging someone's vulnerability and bravery in bringing something up, even when part of you is feeling avoidant or a little surprised, by saying a pat phrase like, "I'm grateful you felt comfortable talking about this." In other cases, I wasn't as experienced or aware of the tool, but it felt completely accessible and implementable. The best example of that would be the shortcut phrases designed to short-circuit a dysfunctional dance and create new pathways. I've used idiolects to help frame an impulse or habit, but not as a cue to respond differently.
Better than the podcast -- I listen to Multiamory off and on because I find that it is more or less aligned with my philosophy of relationships. However, I'm not a fan of podcasts in general, nor is it my preferred method of learning. Plus, the podcast has more of a feel of different personalities and perspectives. However, this book maintains a stable, warm voice throughout, and the diversity of perspectives is integrated into the discussions about what a tool might look like "in the field." I find this easier to absorb. In my opinion, the united voice here is more likeable and trustworthy.
Annotated bibliography -- Each chapter includes wisdom from a podcaster, relationship coach, therapist, or content creator. So this book is a great introduction to other experts that you can connect with if their wheelhouse sounds interesting.
I want to get a hard copy so I can keep this in my reference library.
January 28, 2026
3.5, I think it has some valuable information, but and also, it was nothing new to me. Which was disappointing. There was something lacking in the delivery of the book, which is part of the reason for a lower rating, I’d almost prefer to give it a 3 but I acknowledge that many people should read the book because they need it! So, do I think people should read it? Short answer? Yes. Do I think the average person would gain something from it, sure! If you’re already a person who seeks out and collects information on how to better communicate and relate to people, I’d say remember it might just be a refresher if you want to read it. I’ve not listened to their podcast so that could change how I experienced their book too. Lastly, the part about meeting conversational needs (fixing vs hearing), a much simpler and straightforward way to ask it is with the 3 or 4 H’s: “do you need to be heard, held/hugged, or helped (bonus with an intimate pattern when appropriate, or humped 😜).
February 1, 2025
Regardless of your relationship orientation/style (monogamous, consensual non-monogamous, single, in a relationship, etc.), this title has some good advice about how to communicate better in ALL of your relationships, set boundaries, and how to talk about your relationships.
I hadn’t realized that the authors of this title have a podcast called “Multiamory” and I think it makes sense to pair the various topics/chapters in the book with related podcast episodes.
I hadn’t realized that the authors of this title have a podcast called “Multiamory” and I think it makes sense to pair the various topics/chapters in the book with related podcast episodes.
April 12, 2024
“Use this for good. Use this for love. Use this for the people who you care about most.”
Recommend x10!!!!!!!!!!
Pluckable and efficacious tools for anyone in any type of relationship. The book used humor well and felt super grounded in reality as it broached numerous topics of meta-communication and common pitfalls of relationship disconnect.
Recommend x10!!!!!!!!!!
Pluckable and efficacious tools for anyone in any type of relationship. The book used humor well and felt super grounded in reality as it broached numerous topics of meta-communication and common pitfalls of relationship disconnect.
May 29, 2023
One of the best relationship advice books I've read! The tools are well laid out and easy to follow for any relationship type. I really look forward to reading more from them in the future (hopefully)
July 8, 2023
A thoughtful, well-written primer from the hosts of one of my favorite podcasts on how to develop healthier relationships and more effectively communicate with those you’re close to. Applicable to non-monogamous and monogamous relationships, romantic, platonic, and otherwise. A worthwhile read. 👌
May 3, 2024
I've been listening to this podcast for years and I cannot stress how amazing it is as a free resource.
This book is a great summary of their best relationship tools, and they do really work. I'd recommend RADARS to anyone!
This book is a great summary of their best relationship tools, and they do really work. I'd recommend RADARS to anyone!
July 20, 2024
This was a really great read for all kinds of relationship and communication advice. I pride myself on my communication skills and still learned a lot from reading this. I only wish it was longer, there was so much good advice!
August 10, 2024
I read this book while going through a hard time in my personal life. I wish I had read it earlier so I could find a way to have better communication with my relationships (romantically and non-romantically).
I will be using these tools from now on, and I am happy I found them in the moment I am.
I will be using these tools from now on, and I am happy I found them in the moment I am.
October 8, 2024
Even though it was written by folks who host a polyamory podcast, this book has tons of great communication advice for any kind of relationship.
Definitely a fan of their relationship check in ideas and how to repair after a conflict.
Definitely a fan of their relationship check in ideas and how to repair after a conflict.
June 18, 2025
Pretty much just stuff that's already covered in more detail on the podcast. The tools section in the back is nice to have a quick and concise reference for future relationship needs. I didn't really like the stories, I felt they were a lot of filler.
June 23, 2023
Fun and easy read for those looking to grow in their relationships! Love the podcast and the conversational style translated to the book!
July 7, 2023
Much more about communication skills than it is about nonmonogamy.
July 8, 2023
❤️❤️❤️multiamory has been my polyamory friend before I had any irl ones. This book is a handy reference for the top tools introduced on the podcast and feels like hanging out w old friends
August 17, 2023
Such an amazing book. Gets to the core of communication in any type of relationship (partner, friend, work)
Really wish I’d read this sooner.
Really wish I’d read this sooner.
October 27, 2023
Multiamory's Greatest Hits. I love the podcast and this is a nice, handy collection of the useful tools they espouse.
December 1, 2023
Hyvä kirja, hyviä vinkkejä kommunikoinnin kehittämiseen. Suosittelen.
February 13, 2024
This book was good and I’m thankful to have the tools at my disposal but ultimately I value the podcast so much more than their writing. The stories felt a little redundant!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews