Talking Cure: An Essay on the Civilizing Power of Conversation

by Paula Marantz Cohen

An invigorating exploration of the pleasures and social benefits of conversation

Talking Cure is a timely and enticing excursion into the art of good conversation. Paula Marantz Cohen reveals how conversation connects us in ways that social media never can and explains why simply talking to each other freely and without guile may be the cure to what ails our troubled society.

Drawing on her lifelong immersion in literature and culture and her decades of experience as a teacher and critic, Cohen argues that we learn to converse in our families and then carry that knowledge into a broader world where we encounter diverse opinions and sensibilities. She discusses the role of food in encouraging conversation, the challenges of writing dialogue in fiction, the pros and cons of Zoom, the relationship of conversation to vaudeville acts, and the educational value of a good college seminar where students learn to talk about ideas. Cohen looks at some of the famous groups of writers and artists in history whose conversation fed their creativity, and details some of the habits that can result in bad conversation.

Blending the immediacy of a beautifully crafted memoir with the conviviality of an intimate gathering with friends, Talking Cure makes a persuasive case for the civilizing value of conversation and is essential reading for anyone interested in the chatter that fuels culture.

Genres: Nonfiction, Philosophy, Essays, Psychology

232 pages, Hardcover

Published March 14, 2023

About the author

Paula Marantz Cohen, Distinguished Professor of English, received her BA in English and French from Yale University and her Ph.D. in English from Columbia University. She is the author of seven books and numerous essays on literature, film, and culture.

Her most recent academic book, Silent Film and the Triumph of the American Myth (Oxford UP), was selected as a Choice Outstanding Book for 2003. Her first novel, Jane Austen in Boca (St. Martin's Press), was a Literary Guild/Book of the Month Club Featured Alternate and a Page-Turner of the Week in People Magazine.

She has articles and stories in many journals, including Yale Review, Boulevard, Iowa Review, Raritan, The American Scholar, and The Hudson Review. She is the Co-Editor of the Journal of Modern Literature and a regular reviewer for the Times Literary Supplement. She is the recipient of the Lindback Teaching Award.

Reviews

[Jan Rice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Several years ago, The New Yorker had an article about talking. It was by Jill Lepore and was named something like "The last time democracy almost died." It was about public gatherings in American communities and on the radio in the 1930s -- about the opportunity for people to share their political and social opinions under conditions of civil dialogue. So I might have thought this book would be something like that: about opinion sharing.

But it's not; it's about conversation. The author starts off riffing on Freud, from whose "talking cure" she takes her title, then the question of why we should converse and from there into what conversation is. The platonic ideal for conversation is that it should be between equals, should be mutual, is not merely patter "...In this book, I mostly speak of (conversation) as something more sustained, probing and challenging in nature, though not without moments of humor and lightness." She quotes somebody else calling it "...an unrehearsed intellectual adventure." When good, it achieves "flow," and at best is so absorbing that it feels like love.

I'm so glad this wasn't a book purporting to teach small talk.

Throughout, she uses books, film, TV and theater to exemplify her points, for example, the movie "My Dinner with Andre." She has a chapter on food, drink and conversation and one on bad conversation. She illustrates the latter by a conversation between Joyce and Proust after their meeting had been arranged. It turned out to be a non-conversation since they utterly failed to jibe.

I was taken by this book from the time I first read about it, but when I got the preface as a Kindle free sample, I thought it wasn't for me. I am not one of those people who can tell they'll like a book after a short sample. Fortunately I'd asked my library to buy the book, and they did, so I got to read the book after all. And the rest is history.

At first I thought this book was light and airy, and almost, as "Seinfeld" was said to be, "about nothing." But I noticed right away that the author is quite erudite and observant. Also, there's been a lot written about conversation, and she's on speaking terms with it all. It's the author's skill that gives the book its effortless feel.

Next is a chapter on cultural differences in France. For example:

"The French are willing to extrapolate on an idea even if it is impractical or outright wrong. They are at home with the necessary disconnect between theory and practice. What Americans might call hypocrisy, the French simply see as playful theorizing, not to be taken too serously."

and

"...(E)ven as we mimic the form of the French café, we are hard-pressed to imitate its substance. For the French are experts at not working--or rather, at delegating work to one part of their lives and then embarking on leisure, mostly in the form of conversation (although also sex) in the other. American students in cafés are working hard at their computers and rarely talking together. Yet by planting themselves in such spots, I suspect that what they really want to do is talk, if only they could find the way to do it--to puncture the invisible barrier that divides each table from the one beside it, each computer screen from its neighbor's."

The author's mother was a professor of French, and so she's fluent, and her academic specialty includes French literature.

Then comes a chapter on "Schools of Talk" such as Plato's Socratic dialogues, Samuel Johnson and his group of luminaries, and "Conversations by Americans Abroad." These are social circles for the purpose of conversation. The French chapter was the only one in the book that felt a little long, but I see the one on schools of talk is actually longer; it consisted of territory familiar enough to be fascinating.

Then there is a chapter on "The Rise of the Novel" and the feminization of culture, focused on Austen and Henry James. She comments on the denigration of female talk as gossip and the pushback that has occurred. Re the spurious characterization of "ladies who lunch," she asks why conversational subjects like fashion and decor should be considered more trivial than sports and cars. That's an example of her social commentary. It's sprinkled throughout the book and while eye-opening, retains the light quality of the rest of the book. Again, I see that as the author's expertise. No polemics here.

Then comes a chapter on "Conversation as Public Entertainment." She thinks the downward quality in this area says less about political correctness (or ideological conformity) than about anti-intellectualism and a short attention span.

That chapter also includes her discovery of the secret of writing dialogue in fiction that every would-be novelist should know. But maybe all you writers out there already do know the secret.

Nearing the end she takes up "Conversations on Campus." No, she's not talking about demonstrations and shouting matches but, mostly about the magic that can occur -- sometimes -- in a well-led seminar. She talks about shame as the great barrier to participation to be overcome. She thinks that just as conversation is a habit to be practiced, habituation to not conversing is a barrier to be overcome by, say, minority students or students who are having to work their way through and therefore require extra welcoming and encouragement.

Finally there's "Shakespeare on Zoom." During the pandemic, in the process of reviving a previous seminar that had faltered, she ended up creating a Zoom group who are reading Shakespeare together. The group eventually coalesced at a about a dozen participants of various ages who are still meeting. Due to the ages of some participants and their various addresses, there has been no push toward resumption of the in-person option.

I'm hustling through this review since the book needs to return to the library, so not sure I've communicated how refreshing, entertaining, and surprising this book is. I hope so. It's good!
It felt like the book I needed now. We've had had an unsettling week. The book's not just a distraction. It's humanism on display, to counter barbarism on display. It's a life-oriented book -- a path to better living through conversation.

The author doesn't take up online communication, being more attuned to screens as blocking conversation. It's hard, but occasionally conversation does happen, and when it does, you know it.

[Georgie Melrose · Rating 2 out of 5]

What is the point of this book?

Cohen begins by talking about how important conversation is to her personally, then talks about France, about food, about talking over Zoom, and spends a decent chunk of the book talking about Other writers thought about conversation. The theme is conversation, but there is little gained from each of these pit stops. The introduction was the most interesting part because she connects it to why she cares.

Cohen wants to say that conversations are an important part of the human experience. She supports this using vague anecdotes from her personal life and writers she likes. What I got from this is that: conversation is important to the author. There is a half-hearted call to use social media less and talk more, plus a tad bit of "young kids these days on their phones too much!" I would be remiss if I did not mention her call to how conversation can change our perspectives. Again, I just don't think that's a novel or well discussed idea.

Does this message need a full book? I struggle to see how it adds depth or nuance. I want to ask -- why do you think people use social media so much? How could we encourage more conversation-focused societies and cultures? How does human biology react to and from talking? Why do people click and some not in conversation? How does a lack of conversation impact the individual and the community at large? And so forth. Anything. One of these.

I found this to be frustrating.

[Howard · Rating 5 out of 5]

As the subtitle says, this is an essay on conversation. I would suggest, in fact, that it is a series of essays. I read a couple of 2* reviews on this book that stated that they were mislead to believe this would be a how to have better conversations manual. It is NOT a self help book, but essays contained in the book can lead the reader to a number of books that purport to do so.

The author [no relation] is professor of English at Drexel University, and draws from a long career in teaching, conversing, and reading. I am not very well read on classic English literature, so the references to Jane Austin, Henry James, Shakespeare, etc. were informative to me, but not well known.

Chapters (or what I think of as essays) discuss the role of food in good conversations, conversations on campus, Zoom (on-line) conversations, the role of the novel in representing conversation, and more.

From the book's conclusion:
"Those who do not discuss different perspectives on history will not achieve the wisdom needed to be able to make good judgements in the present." [italicized in the book].

Continuing:
"Even if we read books about the past that present different perspective, the reading, if done in isolation, can be filtered only through our own singular understand of life. If, however, we converse with others alongside our reading, we gain the benefit of multiple viewpoints from different experiences and fund of knowledge as they interact vitally with our own."

I believe these sentiments are true, not just for texts about the past; multiple viewpoints certainly enrich my reading of fiction. It's why I participate in a couple of book groups. Goodreads also can provide some additional viewpoints.

PS: I've already bought a copy to give to a friend (and hopefully we'll get a chance to discuss the author's premise).

[Tahlia · Rating 4 out of 5]

A relatable and intellectually stimulating read without being too heavy!

"What can be more delightful than to have someone to whom you can say everything with the same absolute confidence as to yourself?"

"If I start thinking in terms of past prejudices, I probably would never get any pleasure in thinking about many things in history that I love."

"There is a lot to examine in figuring out what I think and then to interrogate why I think it." (This)

"We often ignore or neglect the truly authentic people in our midst and glom onto the bravura types who dazzle us but have no real texture or depth."

[amanda carlin · Rating 2 out of 5]

I just wrote a 3 paragraph review on this and then the app crashed and deleted it all so….

Likes: as humans we desparately need irl contact and conversation with each other and that isn’t disputable, especially for younger generations (a huge part of what I’m doing rn as a therapist)

Dislikes: the author blames younger generations for being on social media and seems to hate technology without looking at broader social, systematic issues that lead to why Gen Z cannot connect in the same way that young people used to in the 1970s. There’s more I didn’t like but in fear of the app crashing again I won’t try

Another review I saw said that this would’ve been better as a collection of essays and I agree. The chapters didn’t flow together and some of the arguments seemed completely unrelated. The reader has to have some knowledge of literary theory and literature history to understand some of it. Idk. The argument seemed unempathetic and disorganized. Some parts I liked and others seemed detached completely.

[Erika · Rating 4 out of 5]

Why converse?

"While a conversation can be useful to us -- can gain us a job by showcasing our strengths, or provide us with emotional support in a time of need -- it is only moral and truly satisfying when we see our fellow conversant as a complex human being, not as a means to an end."

A lovely, thoughtful, and thought-provoking book, with its share of weaknesses (from copy editing gaffes that made me gasp to excessive preoccupation with French culture and some bizarre notions for which she seems to have no actual support -- "Sometimes an individual simply doesn't have the capacity to have conversations. I believe this is particularly the case with actors who have become so acclimated to reading a script that they find it hard to generate original conversation -- or perhaps they become actors because they have no words of their own.") (Not to mention her
near insistence that food and alcohol in particular are close to essential ingredients for genuine conversation).

The strengths, though, far outweigh the weaknesses. Jonathan Swift's rules to facilitate conversation, the cultural impact of "staged" conversations (podcasts and talk shows), the difficulty of genuine conversation with true believers, the poison of faculty groupthink in academia such that "even a seemingly casual conversation can end up feeling coercive," a lovely chapter on conversation in the novel, and a really important chapter about conversation on campus. (Not to mention the astute observation that "the combination of groupthink and careerirsm that has overtaken academia in recent years is another kind of blight.")

This is a quick book to read, but the chapters can be read as discrete units -- no reason to read the entire thing at once. There's plenty in here to give the reader both hope and inspiration. She believes in, and wants to persuade us of, the civilizing power and moral power of genuine conversation. Sadly, like many such endeavors, those who would read this are probably already convinced of its truth.

[Antonio Gallo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Negli ultimi anni, con l'avvento della tecnologia e dei mezzi di comunicazione digitali, la conversazione reale sembra essere diventata una specie in via di estinzione. Molti di noi passano gran parte della giornata a comunicare con gli altri attraverso i social media, i messaggi di testo e le e-mail, abituandosi a una forma di comunicazione meno diretta e immediata. Di conseguenza, la conversazione reale sta diventando sempre più rara e preziosa.

La conversazione reale è un'arte che richiede un certo grado di abilità e di attenzione. È un modo di comunicare che ci permette di connetterci con gli altri in modo profondo e significativo, di esprimeri i nostri pensieri e sentimenti in modo chiaro e di ascoltare gli altri con empatia e comprensione.

Ci sono molti vantaggi nella conversazione reale. Innanzitutto, permette di stabilire una connessione più autentica con gli altri. Quando si parla di persona, si possono cogliere molti segnali non verbali, come l'espressione del viso, il tono della voce e il linguaggio del corpo, che aiutano a comprendere meglio ciò che l'altra persona sta dicendo e come si sente. Inoltre, la conversazione reale permette di creare un ambiente più intimo e accogliente, dove le persone possono sentirsi a proprio agio e parlare liberamente.

Tuttavia, la conversazione reale richiede anche un certo impegno e attenzione da entrambe le parti. È importante essere presenti e concentrati sulla conversazione, evitando distrazioni come il cellulare o altri dispositivi elettronici. Inoltre, è importante essere aperti e disponibili ad ascoltare gli altri, senza giudicare o interrompere.

Per mantenere viva l'arte della conversazione reale, ci sono alcuni consigli utili che possono aiutare. In primo luogo, cercare di incontrare le persone di persona, invece di comunicare solo attraverso i mezzi digitali. Organizzare un incontro per una tazza di caffè o una passeggiata può essere un ottimo modo per connettersi con gli altri e approfondire la relazione.

In secondo luogo, cercare di essere presenti e concentrati durante la conversazione. Evitare distrazioni e cercare di ascoltare attentamente ciò che gli altri stanno dicendo. Fare domande e mostrare interesse per le loro opinioni e pensieri.

Infine, cercare di essere aperti e disponibili. Non giudicare o interrompere gli altri, ma ascoltare con empatia e comprensione. Essere onesti e autentici nella propria comunicazione, esprimendo i propri pensieri e sentimenti in modo chiaro e aperto.

La conversazione reale è un'arte che merita di essere preservata e coltivata. È un modo di comunicazione che ci permette di connetterci con gli altri in modo profondo e significativo, creando relazioni autentiche e durature. Speriamo che in futuro ci sia un ritorno alla conversazione reale, dove le persone possano incontrarsi faccia a faccia e comunicare in modo autentico e significativo.

Una delle principali differenze tra la conversazione reale e quella virtuale è la capacità di cogliere i segnali non verbali. Quando si parla di persona, si possono notare molti segnali non verbali che aiutano a comprendere meglio il messaggio dell'altra persona. Ad esempio, l'espressione del viso, il linguaggio del corpo e il tono della voce possono trasmettere informazioni importanti sulle emozioni e le intenzioni della persona.

Inoltre, la conversazione reale permette di stabilire un contatto visivo diretto, che è un aspetto importante della comunicazione umana. Il contatto visivo ci aiuta a creare un legame emotivo con gli altri, a farci sentire più vicini e connessi.

Un altro vantaggio della conversazione reale è che ci permette di esprimere le nostre emozioni in modo più efficace. Quando si comunica attraverso i mezzi digitali, come i messaggi di testo o le e-mail, può essere difficile trasmettere il tono giusto e le emozioni appropriate. Invece, la conversazione reale ci permette di utilizzare la nostra voce e il nostro corpo per esprimere le nostre emozioni in modo più chiaro e diretto.

La conversazione reale permette di creare un ambiente più intimo e accogliente, dove le persone possono sentirsi a proprio agio e parlare liberamente. Quando si parla di persona, si può creare un ambiente più rilassato e informale, dove le persone possono sentirsi più a loro agio e aperte. E' un'arte che va preservata e coltivata, perché permette di connetterci con gli altri in modo profondo e significativo. La tecnologia può essere utile per comunicare, ma non dovrebbe sostituire la comunicazione reale e le relazioni umane che essa consente di creare.

La tecnologia ha sicuramente avuto un impatto significativo sul modo in cui le persone comunicano tra loro e molti sostengono che sta rendendo più difficile per le persone avere conversazioni reali. Sebbene la tecnologia abbia reso la comunicazione più conveniente e accessibile che mai, ha anche creato alcune sfide quando si tratta di avere conversazioni significative e di persona.

Uno dei modi principali in cui la tecnologia influisce sulla nostra capacità di avere conversazioni reali è fornendo un flusso costante di distrazioni. Smartphone, social media e altri dispositivi digitali possono essere fonte di continue interruzioni e distrazioni, rendendo difficile concentrarsi sulla persona che abbiamo di fronte. Ciò può portare a una mancanza di coinvolgimento e un senso di disconnessione, che può rendere più difficile avere una conversazione significativa.

Un altro modo in cui la tecnologia può rendere più difficile avere conversazioni reali è limitando la nostra capacità di leggere segnali non verbali. Quando comunichiamo online o tramite messaggi di testo, perdiamo importanti segnali non verbali come le espressioni facciali, il linguaggio del corpo e il tono della voce. Ciò può rendere più difficile comprendere le emozioni e le intenzioni dell'altra persona, il che può portare a fraintendimenti e problemi di comunicazione.

Nonostante queste sfide, è importante ricordare che la tecnologia è solo uno strumento e sta a noi usarla in un modo che migliori la nostra capacità di connetterci con gli altri, piuttosto che ostacolarla. Essendo consapevoli del nostro uso della tecnologia, stabilendo limiti al tempo davanti allo schermo e facendo uno sforzo per avere conversazioni reali con le persone intorno a noi, possiamo mantenere e persino rafforzare la nostra capacità di connetterci con gli altri in modo significativo.

Ci sono diversi modi in cui possiamo fare uno sforzo per avere conversazioni più reali, anche in un mondo sempre più dominato dalla tecnologia. Ecco alcune idee:

Dai la priorità alle interazioni faccia a faccia: anche se può essere più conveniente comunicare attraverso dispositivi digitali, è importante dare la priorità alle interazioni faccia a faccia quando possibile. Ciò potrebbe significare incontrarsi con gli amici per un caffè o un pasto, partecipare a eventi sociali o semplicemente prendersi il tempo per chiacchierare di persona con i colleghi.

Limitare il tempo davanti allo schermo: uno dei maggiori ostacoli alle conversazioni reali è la costante distrazione dei dispositivi digitali. Impostando limiti sul tempo davanti allo schermo, ad esempio disattivando le notifiche durante i pasti o dedicando una certa quantità di tempo ogni giorno alla disintossicazione digitale, possiamo creare più spazio per conversazioni significative.

Pratica l'ascolto attivo: quando siamo impegnati in una conversazione, è importante essere pienamente presenti e ascoltare attivamente l'altra persona. Ciò significa mettere da parte le distrazioni, mantenere il contatto visivo e porre domande ponderate per dimostrare che siamo interessati a ciò che l'altra persona ha da dire.

Sii vulnerabile e autentico: le conversazioni reali richiedono apertura e vulnerabilità. Quando siamo disposti a condividere i nostri pensieri, sentimenti ed esperienze con gli altri, creiamo uno spazio per una connessione e una comprensione più profonde.

Unisciti a gruppi o club in linea con i nostri interessi: entrare a far parte di un gruppo o club in linea con i nostri interessi è un ottimo modo per incontrare persone che la pensano allo stesso modo e impegnarsi in conversazioni significative. Che si tratti di un club del libro, di una squadra sportiva o di un'organizzazione di volontariato, trovare una comunità di persone che condividono le nostre passioni può portare a conversazioni più appaganti.

In sintesi, fare uno sforzo per avere conversazioni più reali richiede una decisione consapevole di dare priorità alle interazioni faccia a faccia, limitare le distrazioni, ascoltare attivamente, essere vulnerabili e autentici e cercare opportunità per connettersi con gli altri in modi significativi.

Incoraggiare gli altri a dare la priorità alle interazioni faccia a faccia può essere difficile, soprattutto in un mondo in cui la comunicazione digitale è diventata così diffusa. Tuttavia, ci sono diverse strategie che possiamo utilizzare per incoraggiare gli altri a dare la priorità alle interazioni faccia a faccia:

Dare il buon esempio: uno dei modi più efficaci per incoraggiare gli altri a dare la priorità alle interazioni faccia a faccia è dare il buon esempio. Dando la priorità alle interazioni faccia a faccia nelle nostre vite, mostriamo agli altri che è possibile mantenere connessioni significative attraverso la comunicazione di persona.

Esprimi i vantaggi: quando parli con gli altri dell'importanza delle interazioni faccia a faccia, è importante esprimere i vantaggi in modo positivo. Ad esempio, potremmo menzionare quanto siano più appaganti e autentiche le conversazioni quando riusciamo a leggere il linguaggio del corpo e il tono di voce dell'altra persona, o quanto più connessi ci sentiamo quando siamo in grado di condividere uno spazio fisico con gli altri.

Pianificare attività che incoraggino le interazioni faccia a faccia: un altro modo per incoraggiare gli altri a dare la priorità alle interazioni faccia a faccia è pianificare attività che favoriscano la comunicazione di persona. Ciò potrebbe significare organizzare una gita di gruppo, partecipare a un evento culturale insieme o semplicemente invitare gli amici per un pasto o una serata di gioco.

Rendilo divertente: a volte, il modo migliore per incoraggiare gli altri a dare la priorità alle interazioni faccia a faccia è renderlo divertente. Pianificando attività divertenti che richiedono una comunicazione di persona, possiamo mostrare agli altri che è possibile divertirsi e rafforzare le nostre relazioni attraverso conversazioni reali.

Sii paziente e comprensivo: Infine, è importante essere pazienti e comprensivi quando si incoraggiano gli altri a dare la priorità alle interazioni faccia a faccia. Non tutti possono sentirsi a proprio agio o disposti a impegnarsi subito in conversazioni reali, quindi è importante fare piccoli passi e rispettare i confini e le preferenze degli altri.

In sintesi, incoraggiare gli altri a dare la priorità alle interazioni faccia a faccia richiede di dare l'esempio, esprimere i benefici, pianificare attività che incoraggino la comunicazione di persona, renderla divertente ed essere pazienti e comprensivi. Con il tempo e lo sforzo, possiamo aiutare gli altri a riconoscere il valore delle conversazioni reali e costruire connessioni più forti e significative nelle nostre vite.

[Mericlaire · Rating 2 out of 5]

What a whirlwind! I guess in similar fashion to the way the author sees conversation, as bringing forth different perspective and not setting out to answer anything, this book does exactly that. I was interested in learning a step-by-step guide to having a conversation, and at times was pleasantly surprised that this book wasn’t that. I gathered this author loves conversation and by proximity I got excited about conversation, and that worked for me.

[Kathleen]

I'm a reader, but I love conversation - with friends, family and strangers. Paula Marantz Cohen is my kind of person!!!! (the book is not available in my library system!!!)

From The New Yorker, March 20, 2023, "Good Talk: Can conversation save our souls?" by Hua Hsu.

There was once a time when strangers talked to one another, sometimes eagerly. “In past eras, daily life made it necessary for individuals to engage with others different from themselves,” Paula Marantz Cohen explains. In those moments of unpredictability and serendipity, we confronted difference. There were no smartphones, message boards, or online factions. Maybe because life moved at a slower pace, and every interaction wasn’t so freighted with political meaning, we had the opportunity to recognize our full humanity. Nowadays, she argues, we are sectarian and “self-soothing,” having fallen out of such practice. What we need is to return to the basics: to brush up on the art of conversation.

Cohen, a professor of English at Drexel University, is the author of “Talking Cure: An Essay on the Civilizing Power of Conversation” (Princeton). She makes the case that talking to others—sharing our stories—is how we learn things and sharpen our belief systems, how we piece together what it means to be funny or empathetic. Conversation can change our minds while sustaining our souls. There’s some social-science research on her side. A 2018 study showed that participants who had more substantial conversations reported relatively high levels of satisfaction with life.

...

But her primary qualification here is that she is a self-professed “talker,” the sort of person who lives for chatty checkout lines, leisurely coffee dates, vigorous college seminars, and spirited dinner parties—as well as spirited daydreams about whom you would invite to your fantasy dinner party of historical figures. She writes of the special “synthesis” that occurs in marriage or other long-term partnerships, in which one’s lexicon merges with that of another, producing shorthand terminology and a distinct rhythm and style. But she doesn’t prize these types of decades-long exchanges over others; she always remains open to new connection. “Surely, my readers can identify with that welling of positive feeling—that almost-falling-in-love-with someone with whom we engage on an authentic level,” she writes. “I have felt this not only for friends and even strangers with whom I’ve had a probing or even a fleeting conversation but also for whole classes of students where it can seem that the group has merged into one deeply lovable and loving body.”

[Josh · Rating 3 out of 5]

One of those books that could have been article, but I enjoyed it and was inspired by it. Some random take-always:

- love the memory of college discussions in the cafeteria. For me it was the spiritual parallels found in Star Wars.

- like thinking about the salons and discussion groups that engineer differing backgrounds and POVs- am most familiar with Paris Hemingway. As well, the role that a bar / cafe can play in good conversation.

- speaking of that, I keep thinking of my man Jim Harrison and how much he enjoyed food and wine. I bet he was an amazing conversationalist even though he definitely imbibed more than this author would have approved of for good conversation.

- also can’t help thinking of the Ross Douthat op ed I read this morning about churches for non believers. I think the forced get togethers for people from different socioeconomic backgrounds is healthy

- feel motivated (kind of) to schedule more dinners with friends to encourage conversation

- I liked the section on college. She obviously has a good vantage point after 40 years of teaching. Totally agree that the point of a liberal arts degree vs trade/apprenticeship is time (she says it better). I had to work to help pay for tuition so partially missed out on these opportunities but my bigger regret is the forced double major, would love to have had more time for random learning in art, literature, psychology etc.

[Brinda Narayan · Rating 5 out of 5]

An Academic Who Relishes Conversations

Paula Marantz Cohen is currently a Professor of English and the Dean of a college at Drexel University. Despite being deeply erudite, sharp and incisive in her writing, she claims that one of her favorite activities is a more convivial and perhaps rather ordinary one. She enjoys talking to people. Not necessarily only to intellectuals, or to fellow professors and students, but to many others. She realizes, after all, as a humanist, that original insights can come from anywhere. From a plumber who hasn’t been to school at all, or from a street sweeper who has experienced her city in singular ways.

Learning to Converse at College Seminars

Since most college degrees attempt to lift our reading, writing, critical reasoning and number juggling skills, there is scant regard paid to what is perhaps an eroding human quality: to conduct a civil conversation with anyone. Especially with people who may not think like you at all.

Cohen finds as a professor, that she enjoys conducting seminar classes, where students are drawn into conversations as active participants. Summoning memories of her own student days, she senses how seminars require the instructor to be particularly deft at conducting them well. To not make students anxious about sounding clever or even about speaking up n number of times. In the best discussions, professors detour into compelling tangents, allowing students to guide them into unexpected directions. And thus expand their own understanding of the material.

Student takeaways are not limited to academic insights. They learn to converse better, to tolerate different points of view, to bounce their own unformed thoughts against a collective brain, to verbally articulate their ideas – all necessary skills for any future occupation.

Talking as Therapy

It was Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, who suggested that many folks had repressed desires and concerns that resulted in physical illnesses. The term “talking cure” was coined by Anna O – a patient of Freud’s colleague, Joseph Breuer. Freud himself loved talking. He was outgoing, he loved discussing ideas. He was also an expressive writer, who wrote in a conversational style that tugged readers in. But he could also be arrogant and opinionated, so perhaps he wasn’t the best person to converse with.

Paula does not suggest that we talk only as patients and therapists. She likes the idea of “transference” – the “infatuation” a patient might develop with a therapist, who can be a stand-in for a parent. She says we can experience this when we talk with affection to anyone – a friend, a stranger, or even to a group of students. Unlike sex, which ends or culminates in orgasm, “friendships are never over after a good conversation; they are sustained by it.”

Beyond psychoanalytic sessions, talk can be therapeutic in other settings. Paula dwells on Alcoholics Anonymous and the manner in which their group sessions help members overcome addictions. The bar conversation has been now substituted by a healthier version, where the burden of addiction is handed over to a higher force – which can be called “God” or even just the collective watchfulness and support of the group.

Talking to People with Different Views

It’s often fruitful to talk to people who might disagree with us. Cohen, herself, who came from a left-leaning Jewish family forged a strong bond with an academic colleague who was a staunch political conservative from Kansas. We ought to see people as nuanced human beings. It’s another reason to read literature. “Literary characters, when well drawn, are neither saints nor sinners, and this becomes a lesson about humanity.”

Conversations can also be viewed as a pleasurable sport. The kind that involves sparring, sharing views, or stumbling on new ideas or feelings. All this without winning or losing. More like animal or child’s play, rather than adult games with outcomes.

Conversations Down the Ages

Jonathan Swift in “Hints Towards an Essay on Conversation” offers certain admonishments. Some of his rules might sound common sensical but are possibly practiced only by a few: “Don’t show off,” “Don’t act too clever or pedantic,” “Don’t talk too much about yourself,” and “Don’t say something you’ll regret later.”

In the 1936, “The Art of Conversation” Milton Wright describes how we can avoid l’espirit d’escalier (“you think of the scintillating remarks you could have made back there if only you had thought of them”). While other techniques might sound manipulative or contrived, Wright ends with: “If you can forget yourself, then you have learned the innermost secret of the art of good conversation.” Of course, this is easier said than done. It’s like telling someone to be “spontaneous.”
For more, read:
https://brindasnarayan.com/talkingcure/

[Caroline Barron · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fav quotes

My conversation with my sister continues. It is a vital part of my life. Thought not the same kind of conversation that we had as children and I think far more equal then it once was, it carries the imprint of that earlier time. We often talk about the past, about our differing views of our childhood and our parents, and about our aspirations for ourselves and our children. There is an undertow to sibling conversation—an antecedent life that moves beneath the words, that allows for shared hilarity at things that others don't find funny, and for understanding of the most minor and seemingly trivial inflections or facial expressions (siblings can get angry at each other for a fleeting smile or raised eyebrow that no one else would ever notice). My sister and I are attuned to each other this way, but also aware of how our past in the family can pull us down, which makes us extremely careful and conscientious with each other. - page 3

...a deep sense of affection seems to me to be always part of good conversation as we experience it as social beings. Surely, my readers can identify with that welling of positive feeling—that almost-falling-in-love-with someone with whom we engage on an authentic level. I have felt this not only for friends and even strangers with whom I've had a probing or even a fleeing conversation but also for whole classes of students where it can seem that the group has merged into one deeply lovable and loving body. - page 10

l'esprit d'escalier: scintillating remarks you could have made back there if only you had thoughts of them. - page 28, paraphrased.

EDNER FERBER: "Being an old maid is like death by drowning, a really delightful sensation after you cease to struggle." - page 110

What he [Pierre Bezukhov] represents most of all is a state of mind that is alert and receptive without feeling that a definitive answer must be found. This is at the core of good conversation, that moves with no definite point of rest or resolution, always open to the wonder of other minds and to the ways our own can surprise us. - page 181

[Feng Ouyang · Rating 4 out of 5]

*Talking Cure: An Essay on the Civilizing Power of Conversation* by Paula Marantz Cohen is a thoughtful and elegant meditation on the intellectual dimensions of conversation. Rather than offering practical advice on communication, Cohen focuses exclusively on the realm of high-minded dialogue, deliberately setting aside conversations rooted in emotional exchange or rhetorical persuasion.

The essay takes readers on a rich historical and cultural tour through some of the most iconic settings of intellectual discourse. From the French salons of the Enlightenment to American clubs, associations, classrooms, and lecture halls, Cohen describes how great conversations have stimulated innovation, deepened friendships, and fueled the pursuit of truth and beauty.

Drawing on a wide range of literary sources, the book also functions as a literary survey, weaving in references to fiction and essays about the enduring power of conversation. Cohen's writing is poetic and graceful, offering as much aesthetic pleasure as intellectual insight. As an essay, *Talking Cure* is more a source of literary enjoyment than a manual for self-improvement, celebrating the art of conversation as a civilizing force in human history.

[Lady Shalott · Rating 5 out of 5]

(For my personal records only.)
Picked this up in a bookshop in NYC on impulse, as a seminar(-ista?) myself. I read to reaffirm my views on the power of discussion and what I see as a decline in culture of talk, which Cohen discusses.

I think many might find disappointment here, wanting this book to have more function or purpose or scope or depth. I don't find any disappointment, which I believe stems from having approached this book much like Cohen says we should approach conversation: without a goal in mind. Because of this, I found the book to be a nice invitation to reflect on the culture of conversation in our own lives. We can start to continue the conversation by asking ourselves how we fall pray to the pitfalls Cohen outlines. Ultimately, understanding our conversation helps us better understand ourselves.

I'll be keeping this book around for reference, especially when I want to justify why I make students do various conversation/seminar activities. It's especially useful to position the seminar next to the debate and what social ills we see run rampant because of the preference for the latter.

All in all, very glad I read.

[Lauren Sims · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to the narration of Talking Cure, and the narrator, Coleen Marlo, is fluent and attractive to listen to as usual.

This book delves into answering “what makes a good conversation?” It playfully discusses documented conversations from famous historical groups and cultures, particularly French culture. I like that the author doesn’t shy away from providing her opinion, like many other academics do.

I also love using a wide vocabulary, and Talking Cure uses an evocative compilation of words. However, it is so expansive that sometimes the meaning of the whole sentence illuded me. Is this only a reflection on me? I personally think not. Unfortunately, this compounded with the use of French sprinkled throughout that was not translated.

Overall, my inner nerd enjoyed listening to this book, and it could inspire some great intellectual conversations of its own. However, personally it was a one-time-only read for me.

[Jerry Wall]

College Dean writes about the power of conversations to resolve some interpersonal problems.
Building up rapport with neighbors, family, classmates, people in public, etc.
The isolation of the covid pandemic exacerbated how we view others and, even, how we
interact with others. Such friction and disagreement could be mitigated hugely by
more handily accessible talks among individuals and small groups. We withdraw
from conversations to our peril.

[tonia peckover · Rating 5 out of 5]

(All books get 5 stars.)

Mixed feelings on this. It really is an essay from the author's opinions and experiences as an academic. She highlights the importance of education allowing for opportunity to converse, but she doesn't have a whole lot more to add except that physical presence and open minds add a lot to understanding each other and that social media/smart phones/pandemic are adding to our sense of isolation and misunderstanding.

[Diana · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m not sure what compelled me to read this book but I think it was the title. As a (mostly) extrovert I also believe conversations can cure, it builds empathy, and can educate. But this book was carried out so terribly. It was hard to follow, I don’t think I learned anything and was mostly confused by the format bouncing around from topic to topic. Could have been better as a shorter article (2.0).

[William · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting read, though it feels meandering and lacking in a clear aim. I suppose that's probably the point, since that's what Cohen thinks a good conversation should be. As someone with intense social anxiety it did make me reframe my conception of conversation, and has made the ones I've had while reading it more enjoyable, and for that I'm thankful.

[Rod Naquin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book—a true five star experience. It’s literary—I understand she’s written fiction. It’s adaptive and real rather than some logician’s protocol for talk. From Charlie Rose to Shakespeare on Zoom, Jane Austin, Henry James, everything is here. Philosophical and encompassing. A great book that made me reconsider “conversation” in contrast to “dialogue.”

[Eva · Rating 5 out of 5]

If we each had a table around which to gather for conversation of the sort described by Cohen in these pages, we would regain a paradise lost. May we keep conversing with each other and with long-dead authors, until our final breath.

[Melissa Fuller-Killgore · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was a 2 star for me, but it is a well-done essay on conversation, just not my preference for reading material.

[milica · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting tidbits but overall I don't think I really learned anything new, felt more like a book written for the sake of writing a book. Had potential though.

[Ross · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are interested in finding bridges that breach the opposing political rhetoric of today, this is a good read. Her message--engage in conversation with people who have different opinions than you, but do so actively, without your own agenda, and honour and listen without judgement. When you find what overlaps, you have some common ground to work together.