Autocompaixão feroz: Como as mulheres podem fazer uso da bondade para se manifestar livremente, reivindicar seu poder e prosperar

by Kristin Neff, Beatriz Marcante Flores (Translator)

The author of Self-Compassion follows up her groundbreaking book with new ideas that expand our notion of self-kindness and its capacity to transform our lives, showing women how to balance tender self-acceptance with fierce action to claim their power and change the world.

Kristin Neff changed how we talk about self-care with her enormously popular first book, Self-Compassion. Now, ten years and many studies later, she expands her body of work to explore a brand-new take on self-compassion. Although kindness and self-acceptance allow us to be with ourselves as we are, in all our glorious imperfection, the desire to alleviate suffering at the heart of this mindset isn't always gentle, sometimes it's fierce. We must also act courageously in order to protect ourselves from harm and injustice, say no to others so we can meet our own needs, and motivate necessary change in ourselves and society. Gender roles demand that women be soft and nurturing, not angry or powerful. But like yin and yang, the energies of fierce and tender self-compassion must be balanced for wholeness and wellbeing.

Drawing on a wealth of research, her personal life story and empirically supported practices, Neff demonstrates how women can use fierce and tender self-compassion to succeed in the workplace, engage in caregiving without burning out, be authentic in relationships, and end the silence around sexual harassment and abuse. Most women intuitively recognize fierceness as part of their true nature, but have been discouraged from developing it. Women must reclaim their power in order to create a healthier society and find lasting happiness. In this wise, caring, and enlightening book, Neff shows women how to reclaim balance within themselves, so they can help restore balance in the world.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Mental Health, Feminism, Audiobook, Personal Development

430 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 15, 2021

About the author

Kristin Neff is Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. She is a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research, conducting the first empirical studies on self-compassion almost twenty years ago. In addition to writing numerous academic articles and book chapters on the topic, she is author of the books Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive and Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. In conjunction with her colleague Dr. Chris Germer, she has developed an empirically supported training program called Mindful Self-Compassion, which is taught by thousands of teachers worldwide. They co-authored the Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook and Teaching the Mindful Self-Compassion Program: A Guide for Professionals. Her newest work focuses on how to balance self-acceptance with the courage to make needed change.

Reviews

[Myridian · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book represents Neff’s attempt to incorporate the Buddhist idea of compassion and self compassion with ideas around being forceful and standing up for one’s own and others’ rights. I really wanted to like this book. I self identify as a feminist, I believe in the sociocultural factors that impact women in general and those with identities that intersect with other marginalized groups in particular. I also am a Buddhist.

I wanted to like this book and instead I really didn’t. For one thing, the introduction of the term fierce self compassion felt completely unnecessary. What Neff is really talking about is anger and being compassionate around the experience of anger and then utilizing anger effectively. She spends so much time justifying anger experiences and talking about how anger is a marginalized emotion for women (well researched and validated) but spends so little time talking about the fact that we can act too much from a place of anger and be ineffective. She has examples of her “bulldog” and “mama bear” energy, but her complete solution is self compassion not analysis of the effectiveness of our actions.

In fact, Neff’s solution to every ill appears to be self compassion and, according to the book, self compassion is responsible for all positive outcomes. Neff does present ample research citations for this claim and I must admit that I haven’t looked at the original research her, but dismantle the construct or place it in the context of other psychological constructs. She doesn’t mention the overlap between self compassion and things like cognitive restructuring. Any of that would strengthen the information presented.

Then there are the personal stories. There are times that personal stories are wonderful and illustrative but despite Neff’s best efforts her stories don’t come off that way. There is a dilemma here. Mentioning things that come off as complaining are always a risk, but allocating all blame to someone else or to societal factors especially makes it come off this way. I’ve been trying to self examine as to whether this would be the case if Neff was male and I think it would be.

I was also uncomfortable with Neff using her son’s autism as an example throughout the book of her own personal challenges as well as the challenge of teaching him to be compassionate towards himself. I recognize that a whole book has already been written about Neff’s child. And at the same time intentionally placing one’s child in the lime light in anything but the most generic or complimentary way seems potentially exploitative and like it’s taking away his choice when he is adult on how to present himself to the world.

Overall I felt disappointed and don’t feel much motivation to examine her other works. Things like Dan Siegel’s The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-Being, the Segal, Teasdale, Williams Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Depression: A New Approach to Preventing Relapse, or of course any of the Hayes books on acceptance and commitment therapy would be my picks, even for the layperson.

[Howard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully done book. Like I said before, both men and women should read this. Its required reading if you work, care for a sick or elderly person, ... actually if you're alive! Her exercises make you think, in a real way. I love her work. The way she was treated by her alma mater made me sweat with rage. That part reminds me of the Jim Crow south in the US. She started her Mindful Self-Compassion organization to help people, and that didn't count to get tenure? Gimme a break! As a society, we can do so much better than holding women to these outdated painful standards. Besides, everyone needs self-compassion, just like Helena Roth's "Doing Gentle With an Edge" you can learn to treat yourself better, even when you make mistakes.

[Caitlin Da Silva · Rating 4 out of 5]

“While each of us is the central protagonist in the story of our lives, all our stories are intertwined. When fierce and tender compassion runs through our veins and flows inward as well as outward, we help both society and ourselves.” p.301

In FIERCE SELF COMPASSION, Neff walks through the three main components of self compassion:

1️⃣ mindfulness - being able to be present with our own pain as we’re feeling it
2️⃣ common humanity - honouring the shared nature of suffering with fellow humans
3️⃣ kindness - understanding and accepting our struggles instead of directing judgement towards them

As someone who’s been on my own journey of combating shame and unrealistic expectations (🙋‍♀️ recovering perfectionist over here lol), this book gave me lots of tidbits to reflect on. I love its specific focus on women’s relationship with self-compassion — the power of making room for BOTH yin and yang, despite the pressures there can be to always be in a nurturing state. The reality is, it’s okay to be unapologetically drawing boundaries, caring for ourselves first, taking up space in the workplace, combating our inner critic, etc.

Each chapter ends in a self-compassion exercise and, although I’ll admit to not doing every single one (there’s a fair bit of repetition among them), I do feel like these are exercises I’ll come back to as I inevitably end up needing some tools to work through life’s obstacles.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️/5 I’m curious to explore more of the research that’s being done in the self-compassion area and feel inspired to welcome more self-compassion into my daily life. As much as this is a SELF help book about SELF compassion, it’s also very much so a call to look outside your own bubble—a message that’s always resonated with me, but seems increasingly valuable today.

[Megan Anderson · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book more than I actually did. I think much of her analysis of feminism felt surface-level and limited to her own (white, cishet, middle class) values and perspectives. It was hard to not feel like the book was a little out of touch sometimes with its goals and intents in that respect (For example — her use of ‘transsexual’ in the book was cringe-worthy at best). Many of the exercises in the book appear helpful and I would like to try them myself, but I feel as though they would have been even more impactful and profound if they were rooted in a more in-depth understanding of contemporary intersectional feminism and it’s issues. It appears as a useful toolkit in need of much adaptation for my own purposes and best serve relevant political forces. bell hooks’ “All About Love” stands out to me as much more thorough, thoughtful, and useful, in comparison to this text. However, I am a big fan of self-compassion itself and think it’s uses do outweigh some of the flaws I felt in the book.

[Jennifer Louden · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is such an important book! Check out my interview with Kristen on June 15th on my podcast Create out Loud, wherever you listen to your podcasts!

[sophia the first · Rating 5 out of 5]

So I realized this week that if someone was talking to my friends like I talk to myself, I would want to pummel them into the ground. I’m empathetic and nice towards other people, I feel like that’s a strength of mine, but I’m super critical in my own head. Which is something a lot of women definitely do disproportionally when compared to the general population, hence this book. Reading this shifted the voice in my head from bully mode to friend mode, which was a fun life upgrade! I think I need to reread this every year.

[M · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book to be informative and soothing. Neff does really important work and having read her previous book on self compassion, I thought this was a fascinating look at how women/gender intersects with compassion. The Me Too section was really strong. This book was a good reminder of how fleeting self esteem is and how full self compassion can be, and how the simple act of putting your hand on your heart and saying a kind, comforting thing to yourself as you would a friend can really help.

[Paula · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is the 2nd book I've read by Neff. I originally read Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, which I thought was better. This one is geared for women and I found Part 1: Why Women Need Fierce Self-Compassion to be too political and too depressing. She clearly has a Democratic bias. Yes being female can have challenges but the way she talks about the problems makes us sound like victims and it's a bit too inaccurate for my liking. Men and women both have different life challenges and I've heard many perspectives from both genders. Life is hard for most people so I just found it was trying to make women sound like they are helpless victims. This probably was not her intention but that's how it comes off. In other words, Part 1 was not objective. We've come a long way and that should be celebrated. There will always be ways that life can improve for females so why drag people down. Felt unempowering.

I found Part II more interesting as it covers the techniques. I found Chapter 8 Becoming Our Best Selves to be the most interesting chapter from this book since it talks about how people think we need to be hard on ourselves to be successful. The evidence suggests that self compassion fosters a growth mindset which helps us to be more resilient and therefore more likely to achieve success.

[Kristina Nesbitt · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was recommended by my therapist. Dr. Neff is a pioneer in self-compassion and recognized globally for her work. Before reading, I didn’t even know the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem, so this was eye opening right away. I found it helpful that the books starts off with a scale to test your level of self-compassion so you know where you’re starting.

Reading this sometimes felt like work. The many exercises felt uncomfortable and difficult, but I know over time this can change your life so I tried my best. I found there to be a good balance of stats / studies as well as Dr. Neff’s personal accounts and experiences that put things into perspective and made this feel so meaningful.

I found myself nodding my head, having big realizations, and tearing up throughout the book. The goal to just be compassionate to who you are - not perfect, not high achieving, just kind to yourself - is a beautiful goal that I will try to take with me.

[Gracie Marchek · Rating 4 out of 5]

yin & yang of compassion 🦦 rly important imo & loved her reconceptualization of anger & the connections to meditation practices ☄️ the walk-thru of connection to self --> connection to humanity --> connection to love !! will be relying on ts heavily at work 😀😴

[Janiene · Rating 2 out of 5]

The title of this book really attracted me. I am a person who has experienced the ramifications of living a Fierce life, experiencing the effects of attack, rejection, and social isolation and feel the author speaks to this beautifully. But at this stage in my life, self-compassion is really a journey to me...and way less about everything external to me. Once I successfully have love, compassion and forgiveness of self, it becomes real to extend that to others and move beyond what divides. I believe this is more important than anything else and what I felt the content of this book would be, not social justice and activism. Doesn't matter what side of the fence you are on, if you are judging the other guy, telling them what is wrong with them in a defensive or aggressive way, you are about separation. Although some of those words are in the book, it was not at the depth I was hoping for. In fairness, the author clearly says this is not a spiritual book, but I just cant help myself and expected it to speak to my heart. Some definitely did, but important content did not. There are judgements and prejudices used through out the book that made me almost abandon it, namely: the heavy emphasis on studies that proved over and over how important self compassion is versus tools on how to improve self compassion; the feminist dialog did seem to discount others except for Black Lives Matters where the author found a way to exclaim the pervasiveness of white supremacy, and how frequently political and social justice/activism was used to make the key points and examples. It was a distraction for me because quite a few times I did not agree with the one sided generalizations being made but I choose to believe her point was to show up, speak up, bring your brave heart to social injustice...what ever topic that may be, it is just that I have learned that not many people want to come to the table when you are shaming, blaming, and doing a power play to control them, So that bugged me a little and likely would have been ignored if it was not sprinkled through the entire book, but when the author turns her attention fully to the foundation of self compassion... wow, really great stuff and something needed by so many.

[Lauren · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was a disappointment after feeling so fundamentally changed by the original, Self-Compassion. First, I didn’t like the implicit centering of white women in this book. There were certainly a good number of nods to racial and cultural differences, but most of the time when she is talking about "women," she is talking about white women, thereby necessarily limiting the relevance and impact of her work, as well as being complicit with white supremacy culture. Further, she does acknowledge that "woman" is an expanding category, but the gender binary is so deeply entrenched in her perspective on the research, I'm just not sure how valuable this perspective is if I want a way for moving beyond it.

Second, I didn't like the appropriative metaphors of Yin and Yang, and of the Hindu goddess, Kali. No doubt her intentions were to pay homage to those cultural references, but they ended up feeling shallow and as simply vehicles for conveying her own ideas. In one instance, she used the Yin-Yang metaphor to victim-blame. In a chapter about pervasive sexual harassment happening at an autism center she was involved in, she says women who had "more Yang energy" were more likely to be left alone by the harasser.

Third, there was a lot of use of colonizer language, such as "minority," "differently abled," "able-bodied," "obesity," and even a denigrating comment about "rap music." Bleh.

The one thing I did like about it was the abundance of somatic exercises related to mindful self-compassion.

[Sydney Tucker · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a great book to read whenever you feel like the villain in your own story. While I think it could have been about half the length it was, the message still resonated. I liked how it mostly avoided the cliche and included meditative exercises. My issue with this book was how repetitive it was.

[Claire · Rating 4 out of 5]

There is a lot to unpack in this book.

I’ve been using some of Neff’s guided meditations on the Insight Timer app for a while now, and her model of self-compassion is described frequently in Brene Brown’s work, so I’ve already benefitted from some of the lessons provided in this book.

The most helpful sections for me were early on, and especially the sections and exercises around tender and fierce self-compassion. I think this section makes the book worthwhile, and is the strongest part for me. I would recommend this section to pretty much everyone.

I have mixed feelings on some of the broader applications of these techniques to things like confronting sexual violence, or how to deploy techniques to shape how folks respond to women in the workplace, or confronting issues of injustice more broadly. I think these techniques are necessary to stay well when working on broader issues, but at the same time I would have liked to have a bit more acknowledgement of the systemic nature of these challenges, as well as the important role of community as a support in these systems. Self-compassion is necessary, but like… no person is an island.

This book is very well researched and cites a lot of primary work - maybe a bit too much even for a science and evidence nerd like me. The book is aimed at women, and is quite heteronormative in a lot of ways. Partially, I think this is a side product of the fact that the research itself, the study populations etc, are quite homogeneously white, cis, and heterosexual. This is a known problem in the field, and I would have liked this to be more meaningfully addressed.

In any case, I did enjoy the book a lot, which is why it gets 4 stars despite the critiques. I think everyone would benefit from developing a self-compassion practice, and her tools for doing so have been and continue to be helpful to me.

[Sarah Heidenreich · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book should have been maximum 100 pages. It also could have been titled "how I became woke" or "my life struggles and how I used fierce self-compassion with or without knowing it".
If it was also intended to give tools for people to regularly turn back to, it should have had an index of *just* the practices (which appeared 2x per chapter) or better yet a decision tree when to use which practice.

[Erica M · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read previous books by Kristin Neff that didn’t really resonate with me, but this one hit differently. Self-compassionate language can honestly be a pretty big barrier for me actually wanting to practice self-compassion, but this book has lots of science-backed studies that helped my analytical brain get down with the concepts. A part of this book that I really valued were the somatic therapy exercises that I wish my therapist taught me over the years - they made me digest this book slowly with intention and physical processing.

My biggest critique is that this book could have been shorter, as some topics and stories were repeated or elaborated in ways that didn’t really help the content land for me. I also disliked some of her terminology which could be a deal breaker for me on a different day lol but ultimately the content was what I was after. I read a lot of self-help books but this one was one of the best I’ve read in a while.

[Angela · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think often now of this concept of balancing my fierce and compassionate parts. For me, and for women in general, it can be hard to balance the two. I can tend to overplay my compassionate, gentle side and then swing wildly to my fierce side. I’m learning that everything works better when I hold both in balance together.

[Julie · Rating 1 out of 5]

returned unfinished

I love Kristin's first book
I love MSC

but...

This book started out as a feminist manifesto much too politically opinionated. I stopped reading this book for the same reason I stopped watching the news.

I'll stick to the meat of the subject in her podcast meditation.

[José Sleumer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interessant, leerzaam, wat is goed voor jezelf zorgen :-)

[Kuu]

i need to stop reading basic self help thinking it will tell me something new. thats what my social science degree is for

[Jennifer Reinhard · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a precious gift ♥️ big fan of Kristin Neff; her practices really help to befriend yourself in big and small ways

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I definitely recommend this book. It has a lot of good exercises that can start the habit of being more self-compassionate. I've slowly been trying to get into the habit and am already seeing the benefits.

I thought the chapter on self-compassion while caregiving was especially poignant to combat the pervasive mom-guilt so many struggle with. I also appreciated her chapter on self-compassion as it related to childhood trauma.

Neff's writing style isn't my favorite, but it's not bad enough to distract me from the content.

Again, I recommend this book!

[Beka · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don’t know if it is more comforting or saddening to know that other people (and specifically women) are dealing with self-compassion issues like I am. This book gives some good steps to engage both the mind and the body when trying to be self-compassionate. The author may jump a bit to connect self-compassion to all of society’s ails, but I think this book can be a good place to start with yourself and those around you.

[Yam Herrera · Rating 4 out of 5]

7.5 de 10

Este libro me genera sentimientos encontrados.

♥️ Fue escrito por la principal investigadora en el mundo en la aplicación de la autocompasión y sus múltiples beneficios

🐻Nos presenta la evicción de su teoría, sumando la parte fiera de nuestro ser a la parte tierna que nos reconforta para poder equilibrarnos, consolarnos o defendernos según lo necesitemos.
📿 Viene con meditaciones guiadas y ejercicios de reflexión escritos
📖 La edición de @edicionespaidos es hermosa y muy bien cuidada.

💰Es el libro más caro que he comprado este año porque lo mandé a pedir de España y ahora siento que hubiera estado mejor leerlo en kindle.

💜Está escrito con una línea claramente feminista y aunque normalmente eso me gustaría, en este libro me generó mucho conflicto, no me gustó la estructura, los capítulos son repetitivos y estuve a punto de dejarlo varias veces.

Igual me quedo con ideas valiosas y para quienes quieran saber del tema recomiendo MUCHO más su primer libro - sé amable contigo mismo 📚

Cuéntame ¿cuál ha sido tu mayor decepción literaria este año?

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is absolutely worth reading. Kristin Neff describes the difference between “tender” self-compassion and “fierce” compassion that taps into our anger and desire for change. She offers substantial research and compelling anecdotes and shares her own vulnerability. I was particularly taken by the chapter on relationships and how much she shared of her own experience. I’ve already recommended this book to clients and friends.

[Merve · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book was a bit all over the place and would've benefitted from more cutting. In my personal opinion, most readers can skip parts I and III. While I don't believe that fierce compassion needed to be separated into three distinct versions, I will integrate it into my life more.

As for some of the author's more personal opinions and stories, it's not up to me to judge, but they did take away from the reading experience more than her first book.

[Kris · Rating 3 out of 5]

Love me some fierceness with my compassion, so that's cool. But this felt redundant and quite "white feminist-y". Decent stuff, but the message is better delivered elsewhere.

[Alison · Rating 4 out of 5]

I especially enjoyed this book for its emphasis on balance. Each of us has certain inclinations, and society encourages people - by gender, race, class, etc - to develop certain characteristics. But I definitely identified with the idea that balancing the fierce and tender sides of ourselves can help in a broad range of situations. We might be overdeveloped in one way, or rely on one characteristic in a certain situation, and balancing that can help us achieve better mental health and personal stability. I have a harder time applying ideas like this to the larger world, when the fact is that we just need laws that don’t discriminate against an entire group of people, for example. But I do like the idea that self compassion can help us deal with injustice so that we can continue advocating for change, for instance, without burning out and quitting. I look forward to trying to put this into practice more consistently, and even maybe getting her workbook to be more actionable about it.

[Leah · Rating 5 out of 5]

THIS BOOK⬆️ I feel like I have been recommending it to every woman I know, love, and care about. There is something in this for everyone—no matter your stage or season of life. This book offers so much, but I’m just going to touch on a few key things that were impactful for me personally. Different people will definitely have different take aways.
•
Integrating more positive self-talk was the reason I picked up this book. To be quite honest, I’m not very kind to myself and would never talk to others the way I talk to myself. I have already begun to incorporate the guided meditations and language into my daily self-talk. The meditations give you the tools to work through various challenging situations that arise by giving yourself grace, kindness, and love rather than criticism. I really love how @neffselfcompassion offers suggestions for the phrases/language to use during these meditations but stresses that you need to use words that work best for you. I know it may seem silly at first, but I promise you it’s so powerful.
•
I was truly fascinated by the ideas of yin and yang energy. For those that know me, I have some seriously fierce yang energy, and I now view this fierceness in a more positive light. This book also gave me a new perspective on anger. Anger isn’t a negative trait or quality. Rather, it’s a protective tool that signals to us to turn inwards and reflect on what we need/what need is being unmet.
•
I also really appreciated the discussions on boundaries and when to say “yes” to others. As women, we are conditioned to feel like we must constantly put others’ needs first and care for everyone around us before ourselves. This book does a great job describing how it’s important to help/give to others when we are able but also gives some great refection/language for when/how to say no so that we can still care for ourselves and avoid burnout.
•
This is truly a transformative book! I am finding that my inner monologue is much kinder, and this has led me to have more compassion for others by really focusing on the idea that everyone is doing the best they can. Everyone has hard things going on, and we all could use a little more love and kindness. I cannot stress how much you NEED to read this book. It’s likely many people will be receiving this book as a gift from me at some point this year. ❤️🩷💜
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Check out what I’m reading next on Instagram @LeahsLitReview!

[Lauren | Wordsbetweenlines · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5⭐️

I wanted to like this. Because I am terrible at self compassion. I am very type A and hard on myself and struggle to find room for breathing and balance.

So I probably didn’t love this because I needed it 😂

But it was just too slow for me. I never found my groove with it and kept putting on other audiobooks that I was more interested in. I also found some parts felt too preachy for me.

I think the best parts of the book could be summed up into communicate your needs and expectations and set boundaries.