And You May Find Yourself...: Confessions of a Late-Blooming Gen-X Weirdo

by Sari Botton

And You May Find Yourself… by Gen-X author Sari Botton, is about “finding” yourself later in life—after first getting lost in all the wrong places. As Botton discovers, the wrong places famously include her own self-suppression and misguided efforts to please others (mostly men). In a series of candid, reflective, sometimes humorous essays, Botton describes coming to feminism and self-actualization as an older person, second (and third and fourth) chances—and how maybe it’s never too late to find your way…assuming you’re lucky enough to live long.
While mainly presented in a chronological arc, the stories in this episodic memoir lend themselves to being read in order, or individually, as stand-alone pieces.

Genres: Memoir, Essays, Nonfiction, Biography Memoir

311 pages, Kindle Edition

Published June 14, 2022

Reviews

[Fergus, Weaver of Autistic Webs · Rating 4 out of 5]

We - and my sister - are paid subscribers to Sari's daily column on Substack! Her message? She combats Ageism tooth and nail.

As we age, we are still little bundles of proud seething passion, and we find now that we are in the Wrong Bodies to deal with that.

Nothing in our bodies works without pain. Our bodies have become useless appendages to our hopeless passion.

Our subtlety is lost on the young!

However, the attitude called Ageism rejects our quite rational passion.

You may know know Ageism from the usual attitudes towards residents in a senior's home: "oh, but you're such an Old Dear!!"

Or, of course, you may know Negative Ageism - and for Sari, fter "old" in many upwardly mobile middle class neighborhoods comes something rhyming with "itch...."

Old age is a taboo subject, there, you see, except after a few drinks.

Young vs Old! One kinda Ageism is suffocating, and the other is Lethal.

Well, Sari bears arms against both extremes. Her middle ground - self-suffiency - repels either one.

For my family, our self-sufficiency too is our strength.

And why we read her every day!

Four Anti-Ageist Stars for sure.

And one you're sure to love!

[Hannah Garden]

Botton has one of the rarest and best qualities as writer, for my money anyway, this ability to write writing that makes you, the little worm at home, know that you too can write writing, and that writing is work and that you ought to do it, or you might as well, if you are one of these writer types who is going to anyway. You might as well just admit it's what you do.

I love to read her, it sets me straight.

This conversational collection takes a clear cool eye right into the stupid little smirk of the abyss and then steps out completely in possession of itself and strides through the world.

Very good, a very good read.

[Hannah Bae · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve long admired Sari Botton as a writer and as an editor, so it was a true pleasure to finally hold a book that’s all her own in my hands. I found this memoir compulsively readable, offering an incredibly open look at the author’s life and how she’s made her heart vulnerable over more than five decades. What I found most moving was the patience and grace she gives her younger self. Like so many people, she made mistakes in her youth, but she reflects back with such honesty and hard-won wisdom, Botton is a model for us all. I particularly loved the essay about her tattoo and the last few pages — about listening to your heart and knowing when to take life’s great leaps.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m a millennial weirdo, not a Gen-X one, but Sari’s voice and stories resonated deeply with me: from embracing natural gray hair, to meeting a wonderful partner in my thirties after years of romantic frustration, to choosing not to be a mother. Highly recommend this book to anyone who feels like they’re taking the long way around in life — especially if you happen to be a writer.

[Liane · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Attracting and holding the male gaze—whether or not I wanted the particular male doing the gazing—was the object of a game I learned unconsciously at a very young age, as if by way of osmosis. It was hard to know what I wanted and needed, other than being wanted and needed, to be chosen by those with the power and prerogative to choose.”

Sari is not only an outstanding editor, she’s also a wonderful writer. She tackles big topics -- womanhood, friendships, body image, sex, careers, aging and mortality--with humor, insight, and hard-earned wisdom.

[Steve Barrera · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sari Bottons's memoirs, in the form of a collection of essays of varying lengths, are honest and introspective, almost confessional, as she herself admits. She describes herself as a late bloomer, which I honestly think applies to many of us Gen-Xers, and her personal story is one of self-doubt and false starts, taking her at long last to a state of some stability in her mid-fifties. She's a writer who lived in New York City for most of her adult life, so she's had a life much different than mine (though we seem to be almost exactly the same age). Nonetheless, familiar themes of rootlessness and instability resonate in both of our biographies. If you're from our birth cohort, you might recognize these themes in your life as well.

Botton's memoirs are divided into three sections; one covering growing up, another her dating experiences as a young adult (what you might call her "Sex and the City" section), and finally her career, moving from one short-lived writing job to another. Her style is frank, intelligent, humorous, self-deprecating, and also defiant. Very Gen-X. I appreciated very much that she shared her life story, and gave me the chance to see the world through the eyes of someone born around the same time as me, but in a place much different, and yet so much the same.

[Corinne O'Shaughnessy · Rating 5 out of 5]

And You May Find Yourself ... is a powerful memoir in essays. I've tried to read other memoirs recently and the tension and pain were too raw--too much for me--like one continual accident scene. But this one was a pleasure to keep picking up. I loved the focus on the complexities of the “ordinary” building unrelenting pressure to be something other than yourself. This is a wonderful mix of honest inquiry into being alive and all the complications that come from living fully.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an honest, funny, and wonderful memoir in essays. I know the author so I may be a bit biased but I enjoyed every moment of reading it. I identified with this book on so many levels and am only sorry that I read it so quickly.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book felt like having a conversation with a friend who goes deep and wide with her truth bombs about life, womanhood, body image, sex, relationships, writing, aging and all the other juicy stuff I love to talk about.

Favorite quotes:

“'She’s busy finding herself…' It seemed as if there was shame in admitting that the life you’d chosen hadn’t worked out the way you’d hoped—confessing that you needed to regroup, or embark on some kind of expedition, literal or figurative, toward self-rediscovery. Instead, you were supposed to quit complaining and lie in the bed you’d made for yourself."

"I hated our patriarchal, capitalist culture, which has frequently made me hate myself for not living up to its unattainable ideals of femininity—which is the whole point. Capitalism creates problems that are impossible to solve and then tries to sell you solutions that in the long run don’t work. That’s how we wound up with a $71 billion diet industry."

[Liane · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Attracting and holding the male gaze—whether or not I wanted the particular male doing the gazing—was the object of a game I learned unconsciously at a very young age, as if by way of osmosis. It was hard to know what I wanted and needed, other than being wanted and needed, to be chosen by those with the power and prerogative to choose.”

Sari is not only an outstanding editor, she’s also a wonderful writer. She tackles big topics -- womanhood, friendships, body image, sex, careers, aging and mortality--with humor, insight, and hard-earned wisdom.

[Lauren Whalen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm a Chicago-dwelling elder millennial who works a corporate day job so I have the money and the bandwidth to write and publish, and I absolutely adored AND YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF... Sari tells the truth in a funny and meaningful way, and she's basically the friend you'd go get coffee and a tattoo with. Highly recommend this satisfying read, a reflection of who we were, who we are, and who we will be. <3

[Road Worrier · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book. Thanks for your story, Sari! ...even if you feel Sari "...that I have not lived an exceptional life. I did not survive some horrific accident. I did not win the lottery or endure remarkably unfortunate circumstances." As with the TMI group's stories, each personal story is a clue to others and their understanding of the world, and therefore a clue to how to navigate my own path.

I'm happy to see the memoir comment on the funnel that capitalism has for careers, and it is educational to see how a successful published writer like you has as much uncertainty as my friends who have photographed for National Geographic. They can make it by doing what they're great at, what they love... but just barely. I particularly enjoyed the book's trajectory in the direction of the familiar meme-- you can live happily ever after if you just do what you love "if you dare to tune out everyone else’s voices, then make choices in keeping with who you truly know yourself to be, it’s possible to make a life that’s genuinely fulfilling."-- and then have that trajectory turned upside down by the COVID crisis and the corresponding economic changes.

[Jocelyn Jane Cox · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love when a memoir feels like a conversation. I logically know Sari Botton is not speaking directly with ME in “And You May Find Yourself: Confessions of a Late-Blooming Gen-X Weirdo." Of course a book is not a two-way exchange…yet I kept forgetting this while reading.

I found Botton’s story to be so relatable, not just because I am also Gen X and share some similar perspectives, but also because l dated in New York City around the same time, was also a struggling writer, and also a child of divorce. I suspect many are connecting with the various experiences she shares in this intimate, real, and clear memoir. In these pages, she admits things many of us keep quiet. She examines her imperfections. She takes us through her challenges with both wit and a sense of gravity. I recommend.

[Stephanie T · Rating 5 out of 5]

While I am barely a Gen X'er (born in 1978), Sari Botton has disturbingly told my story through her experience. Hilarious and vulnerable, this collection of stories that make up a particular life is aptly named, And You May Find Yourself... Not just a wink to the iconic Talking Heads song, but in that, you may find yourself in these stories no matter where you are or what you have been through. Some experiences illuminate the dark bits, all the luscious awkwardness, and then ultimately, as the star of your show. Each story leaves you wondering what else about yourself will be revealed as you go on this relatable and equally heartbreaking journey as it is a heartwarming journey with Sari Botton.

[Sue · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this memoir told in essays, Botton shares stories of confrontations with mean girls, her eating disorder, her long string of inappropriate boyfriends, her struggles to become a writer, and her general feeling that she doesn’t fit in anywhere. The essays are entertaining, albeit a little whiny. I have trouble sympathizing with her frequent comments about aging when she is only in her fifties. But overall, I enjoyed this book.

[Kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this collection of essays. I can relate to Sari's struggle to find her identity -and especially enjoyed the essays examining her relationships with men. She speaks frankly also about the challenges of being a writer today. Highly recommend.

[Michele Dawson Haber · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sari's memoir in essays is an engaging exploration of a life lived both at the behest of others and also fearlessly in pursuit of a dream. The author achieves freedom and contentment once she realizes the only approval she needs to seek out is her own. A satisfying narrative arc accompanied by fascinating details of what It's like to work in the publishing industry. Highly recommended!

[Jacque Hodges (Carter) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Entertaining but I felt totally guilty for all the pressure I and my mother's generation saddled on you girls.

[Victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

A late-blooming Gen X weirdo - the title jumped out at me as I was browsing at a local coffee shop/bookstore. That was so relatable I bought it before I even read the book description. 😊 I was not disappointed. My life was so different yet so similar to the author’s that it was at points cathartic and at other points a touch painful to read. I appreciated her humor, her honesty, and her vulnerability as she looked back at choices made, lessons learned, wins, and losses. It moved me and I am so glad I spontaneously purchased this wonderful book. Definitely worth reading!

[Lisa Phillips · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful work—it gave this Jewish Gen X’er with an erratic life course too influenced by unworthy boyfriends A LOT to identify with. I enjoyed the humor, the irreverence, the great prose, and the reflections on life and mortality.

[Sejal Shah · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderful memoir in essays- wry, funny, artful— I liked it so much I blurbed it.

[NoMo Book Club · Rating 4 out of 5]

This humorous memoir will resonate with anyone who has ever felt that they don't fit in. Sari Botton portrays her arrival at a place of finally knowing herself after a lifetime of what could feel like a lot of missteps. The book contains a collection of personal essays arcing across the difficulties and awkwardness of her youth, self-defeating relationships with unsuitable men, and the blossoming of self-acceptance in middle age.

Sari now identifies as childfree, but delves into the topic in more depth in the chapter 'My Hysterectomy, a Love Story'. Sari left her first husband after she realised that she wasn't ready yet to think about kids. And she doesn't start feeling ready until her early 40s when married to her second husband. Sari writes about being ambivalent about having children, but then becoming possessed by the idea as the window of opportunity begins to close - to the extent that you suddenly find yourself at a fertility clinic. To complicate things further, Sari has endometriosis and her husband's sperm count is negligible, so when their medical insurance doesn't cover IVF, they decide to continue their lives quite happily without children. A final line was drawn under it after a diagnosis of adenomyosis and a hysterectomy. The surgeon confirms she'd have never been able to carry a baby to full term, which helps Sari seek solace in her childlessness. However, Sari sees this phase as a passing moment - her true state is definitely at peace without kids; although she outlines the societal judgement that still comes with her choice.

Sari mentions that there is sometimes criticism against people who haven't led "extraordinary" lives daring to write their memoir. She states "it’s the job of essayists and memoirists from marginalized groups to shed light on their experiences, even the average ones - especially the average ones - which have frequently been ignored by a culture and field long dominated by affluent white men". I couldn't agree more - it is so important that non-mothers put their stories out there and share how we embrace our lives, and mark our place in wider culture.

[Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

I laughed out loud many times as I devoured this memoir over the course of a weekend. Told in a string of essays organized around the idea of finding herself in unforeseeable situations, Sari Botton's memoir is a lesson in organizing the story of five-plus decades of living a creative life. Her essays all follow a confessional line of looking for herself as she hammers out a career as a writer, falls for a string of unavailable men, struggles against an eating disorder, and tries to fit in with the cool kids into punk and indie rock when all she really wants is to sing show tunes.

The subtitle: Confessions of a Late-blooming Gen X Weirdo and the fact that every one of her essays resonated, convinced me that I too am a late-blooming Gen X weirdo. She also manages to convince this writer who's managed a creative life and never seriously considered doing otherwise that that's okay. It was a joy to feel validated on every page while traveling through the sometimes heartbreaking, but more often hilarious episodes of Sari Botton's life.

[Shane Mott · Rating 1 out of 5]

I should not rate this so low, I know. Everyone has a story. But every story, to me, felt without hope, without happiness. Or, if she had it, I did not see or feel it. Or maybe that was the point of the story? To write a tale of hopelessness on every turn which women identify with? To which I would say I did but kept looking for the inspirational upswing and never found it. The book left me feeling sad, that at 47, there would be no hope at 56 and life will forever be this impossible thing. I appreciate her words, appreciate her bravado but was neither uplifted nor inspired. And, for me personally, it is what I look for in a memoir-- perspective, hope and lessons learned left for the rest of us.

[Deborah Shepherd · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sari Botton's memoir is for every woman who's tried to find her authentic self, only to keep running into someone else. Throughout a life of shape-shifting--to avoid shunning by mean girls in junior high; to please a string of "Mr. Wrongs"; to gain the approval of one or another of her therapists; and to fit in with dream jobs that ended up as nightmares--Botton maintained her sense of humor and her belief that someday it would all come together. Even though I'm a Boomer, not a GenX-er, I found myself nodding again and again as the author took detour after detour in the wrong direction--until she finally found the right turn. Highly recommend.

[Jessica Goodman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm so happy that I found this book - or that it found me. I heard the author interviewed on my favorite podcast, Everything is Fine, and then saw this book on display while visiting an indie bookstore Oblong Books in Rhinebeck. So glad I bought it! Loved the author's writing style - laugh out loud moments combined with generously shared vulnerability. She gave so much of herself in this book and still I hope for more, maybe a sequel.

[Jessy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Based on the other reviews given, I really wanted to like this a lot more than I did. I appreciate her honesty and willingness to tell the truth about issues many women face. But the actual essays themselves where not especially grabbing to my interest and I found myself skimming over many of them. According to reviews, I am in the minority in my views. So take my opinion with a grain of salt because someone else may enjoy it a lot more. But her style of writing was not for me.

[Jana Bouc · Rating 2 out of 5]

I love her Oldster Magazine on Substack but sadly found myself bored by this book. I could relate to her feeling like a weirdo outsider in junior high, but didn’t we all? Also this is all about gen-x angst and as a boomer who can never remember the dates or significance of millennial vs gen-x maybe it’s just not a good fit for my demographic? I only made it through the prologue and first chapter before moving on to something else so my review is only valid as a reminder to myself.

[Patti · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a solid Baby Boomer, I wasn't sure how I would relate to the life story of a Gen Xer. In this case, Mark Twain was certainly right when he said, "History doesn't repeat itself, but it often rhymes." I share so much with Botton - from mean girls in high school, body image blues, relentlessly chasing Peter Pans, and trying to dodge death.

Botton's memoir is a serious, yet fun, read.

[L. Gabrielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gen X in a bottle

Reading this felt like a cozy cup of coffee with an old friend who doesn't hold back. It's a future gen-x classic.