Otrovna ljubav: kad odricanje previše boli

by Susan Forward, Craig Buck

Is it impossible to let go — despite the pain?

• Do you yearn for someone who is not physically or emotionally available to you?
• Do you believe that if you love him enough he will have to love you?
• When you feel insecure, does it drive you only to want her more?
• Do you find yourself phoning repeatedly or waiting long hours for the phone to ring?

Do you wish someone would let go of you?

• Does an ex-lover or ex-spouse refuse to believe that it’s over?
• Do you receive unwanted phone calls, letters, presents, or visits?
• Is this pursuit of you creating so much anxiety that it affects your physical or emotional well-being?

In this invaluable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward presents vivid case histories as well as the real-life voices of men and women caught in the grip of obsessive passion.

Whether you’re an obsessive lover or the target of such an obsession, here is a proven, step-by-step program that shows you how to recognize the “connection compulsion,” what causes it, and how to break its hold on your life so that you can go on to build healthy, lasting, and pain-free relationships.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Mental Illness

365 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 1991

About the author

One of the nation’s leading therapists, as well as a best selling author, dynamic lecturer and frequent talk-show guest. In addition to her private practice, she has served as a therapist, instructor and consultant for many Southern California psychiatric and medical facilities. She is the author of the #1 New York Times best sellers Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and Toxic Parents. She also hosted her own nationally syndicated program on ABC Talk Radio for six years.

from http://www.susanforward.com

Reviews

[Sviatoslav · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book wasn't the first phycological self-help book that I've read throughout the years, but the first one to be found on purpose. I had been the target of obsessive lover with my last relationship, however I had no idea that I had been dealing with obsessiveness.

As a child, I had dysfunctional family, therefore I'm still having a hard time picturing the way true love and intimacy should look and feel like. Probably that is the reason why I have recreated the same dysfunctional relationship with another person by using behavioral patterns I was familiar with. I was encouraging obsessive behavior by trying to fulfill other's person neediness, and if I failed to do so - felt guilty about it. This is the main reason hid behind the scenes, which led to unsatisfying relationship and break up.

My story of a failed relationship shows what the book is all about - revealing the reasons behind obsessive behavior and trying to find a way to fix things up. I'd say that the book does way better job with revealing the demons, than teaching how to fight them. But once you've got the knowledge, it's only a matter of choosing a weapon.

Anyway, I highly recommend this book. I wish I had read it before.

[Nasser Al-mrikhy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is one of the best books I ever read. I highly recommend this book for every one.

[Josh Einstein · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's me. :(

This book is an eye opening self-evaluation that, if it's doing its job correctly, will make you feel uncomfortable and defensive.

The fact is, Obsessive Love has given me a new perspective on what I always thought was a passionate, once-in-a-lifetime love, and helped me to see that it was probably only that to me, in my head. I didn't even need to do the journaling exercises because as luck would have it, I recently published a 400 page memoir about that 18-month affair.

In a way, I feel embarrassed by it now. Because even when the relationship was over, I looked back on it with nostalgia and saudade, pouring every emotion into the pages.

But I guess at the same time, doing so has freed me to let it go and see it for what it really was. The fantasy is now out of my head and on paper, and the reality is that I was probably nothing more than an obsessed clinger, ignoring the giant signs of disinterest she was trying to get me to see.

The book described my behavior very accurately. While our relationship never became physically abusive, it did become emotionally toxic. I still don't understand the "why" of how I got this way, but I recognize the "what". And that alone will go a long way towards the "how" to make sure I never allow myself to become that ever again.

Thank you for the brutal honesty.

[Aiste Bakaityte-Bagdonė · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kai įsimylime, skraidome tarsi padebesiuose. Vieniems šis jausmas būna neapsakomai malonus, teikiantis pilnatvę, kai kuriems įsimylėjimo jausmas susimaišo su didžiuliu nesaugumu, baime prarasti ką tik rastą „tą vienintelį nepakartojamą“ žmogų. Kai meilė susimaišo su šiais nesaugumo ir baimės jausmais, santykyje įvyksta paradoksalūs dalykai – nesaugiai besijaučiantis partneris pradeda elgtis obsesiškai, kas vis labiau didina emocinį atstumą tarp jo ir jo partnerio, kurį jis taip stipriai bijo prarasti. Būtent apie tokius obsesiškus santykius ir yra ši S. Forward ir C. Buck knyga „Meilė kaip apsėdimas“.

Pripažinsiu, gavusi šią knygą didelių lūkesčių neturėjau. Aiškiai žinojau ko tikėtis, nes tai ne pirma mano skaityta šios autorės knyga, o ir tema man asmeniškai nebuvo aktuali, tad skaičiau ją daugiau iš profesinio intereso. Vis tik, likau maloniai nustebusi, nes kol kas būtent ši knyga yra mano S. Forward knygų favoritė dėl savo nuoseklumo ir išsamumo.

Knygoje išsamiai aprašoma, kuo pasižymi obsesiški santykiai apimant abi puses – tiek obsesiškai besielgiantį, tiek nuo obsesiško elgesio kenčiantį. Kai jau įprasta, autoriai aprašo realius tokių santykių pavyzdžius, nuo „lengvų“ formų, iki turinčių labai sunkių pasekmių (smurtas, pasibaigęs netektimi). Knygoje rasite aprašytus mechanizmus, kodėl žmonės tampa obsesiškais įsimylėjeliais, kaip tai susiję su vaikystės patyrimais, alkoholizmu, smurtu ar nepriežiūra šeimoje, bei kaip prie obsesiškų santykių prisideda gelbėtojo vaidmuo. Galiausiai čia pateikiama ko iš tokių santykių galima tikėtis bei kokiais būdais galima bandyti pažaboti savo obsesyvią meilę, jei tokią jaučiate.

Ši knyga tinka tiek patiriantiems nuolatinį partnerio įkyrų elgesį (klausinėjimą kur ir su kuo esate, persekiojimą nutraukus santykius ir pan.), tiek taip besielgiantiems.

[Vichta · Rating 5 out of 5]

Susan Forward nigdy mnie nie zawiodła. Tak było i tym razem. Otrzymałam doskonale studium toksycznego uczucia, które czesto mylnie nazywane jest miłością. Tymczasem jest to nieutulone pragnienie bycia kochanym i akceptowanym, mające swoje źródło w dzieciństwie. Dorośli, którzy jako dzieci byli odrzuceni przez swoich rodziców, mają tendencję do rekompensowania sobie braku miłości, wymagając od partnera całkowitego oddania. Są natrętni, kontrolujący, wymagający nieustannej uwagi i wręcz chorobliwie zazdrośni, czasem nawet agresywni. Autorka nazywa to obsesją i to słowo najlepiej oddaje problem, z którym się borykają. Choćby partner był kochający, wierny i bardzo oddany, dość szybko zaczyna czuć się osaczony i się wycofuje. To tylko ponownie aktywuje poczucie odrzucenia i błędnie koło zaczyna kręcić się jeszcze mocniej.
Jak to przerwać? Jak pogodzić się z utratą partnera, który nie wytrzymał napięcia i odszedł? Na dodatek każda próba kontaktu kończy się awanturą i zatrzaśnięciem drzwi z hukiem. Autorka daje na to konkretne rady, sprawdzone w trakcie jej wieloletniej praktyki terapeuty.

[Elif Uyar · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love reading Susan Forward's books. They capture me as absorbing fictions. Only better since the stories are real. She is not just an ordinary therapist but a gifted person who is really good at writing and telling stories. She organizes her books to distinguish and explain certain behavior, consequences, feelings, sources of such feelings in childhood and solutions. This categorization is also a part of the kind of therapy she exemplifies. Throughout the book, she lets you follow the progress of patients as she helps them to differentiate between their so-called 'uncontrollable' behavior, feelings and childhood pain. It is such a pleasure to read the stories of troubled people, who finally find peace and take their lives back. That's also a relief for their targets. This one is an easy and interesting read for everyone. Strongly recommend for obsessive lovers and their targets.

[KOMET · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very insightful and fascinating book. It is replete with case histories of men and women the author has treated over time in her practice for having obsessive passions for people in their lives. Whether these were romantic relationships or a matter of an unrequited love, "OBSESSIVE LOVE" serves as a guide to help people either caught up in unhealthy relationships or unable to break away from harboring debilitating attachments to someone uninterested in them. In the process, the reader learns "how to recognize the 'connection compulsion,' what causes it, and how to break its hold on your life so that you can go on to build healthy, lasting, and pain-free relationships."

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this and a couple other psychology books on stalking when a crazy/obsessive acquaintance would not abandon pursuit of me. It gave me great insight into what in blazes was going on with this person, and it sure validated a lot of my feelings as I made the case that this person was crazy, that the whole of the allegedly innocent actions was greater than the sum of its parts. Susan Forward has a clear, intelligent, accessible writing style, and she is smart. I always keep her in mind when thinking about psychological books and issues.

[Ratnah Tanakoor · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is extremely helpful with an honest pitch to face our inner demons since childhood and understand how they tend to impact our behaviour in relationships as adults. What makes this book great is that Susan Forward backs psychology with poignant real life scenarios. This book is the opposite of an escape and more as a reality check - a voice to urge you to be aware, evaluate and take responsibility for your behaviour and actions. It has helped me differentiate thoughts from feelings as delicately as you get a thread out of a needle. I strongly recommend Obsessove Love to anyone who is up for growth and keen for an objective opinion about the self.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Technically 4.5 stars. It was confronting to read and took me a while to get through it as a result, but well done. The examples given were easy to understand and relatable, the breakdown of everything made sense and the explanations showed you how the behaviour came about. I went from wanting to yell and cringe at the client examples, to wanting to applaud their progress at the end. Definitely worth a read if you find yourself relating to the content and ready to deal with it. Also recommend doing so with a mental health professional for support.

[Steve · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was 'given' this book by a woman who said that it helped her through a very hard time of her life. I read it and found out that I had been on both sides of the equation: obsessive lover and target of an obsessive lover. This is a very important subject, as obsessive love is often confused for true love. Susan analyses the various problems and offers a therapy for those afflicted. Therapists can use this book, especially to avoid violence in relationships.

[Aurora Lion Richard · Rating 1 out of 5]

Unfortunately this book is more about stalkers rather than people who are just obsessively in love. Not everyone who is obsessively in love is a stalker. The book basically just says "don't stalk because that is illegal". As someone who suffered from an obsessive crush for ten years without stalking I could write a much better book with at least some good tips on how to get over this person. This book does not help one bit and is a pure waste of money.

[Bridgett · Rating 5 out of 5]

I related to this book very well and for years have been entangled in a situation the book describes. The person I was involved with was very dishonest and a narcissist and took advantage of me. In some instances, despite being the "obsessor" the person I was with had worse problems, but various problems of the "target" were discussed.

[Peaches · Rating 4 out of 5]

a real eye opener :(

[Mata Afiat · Rating 4 out of 5]

توی این کتاب بیشتر رفتارها رو تشریح کرده که خیلی خوبه ولی قسمت ارائه راهکارها کمه و تاثیرگذار نیست.

[Liliana · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was very good.

[Jemima Atar · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a truly transformative self-help book for those either experiencing obsessive love towards someone else, or who are targets of obsessive lovers. Through many examples and case studies, the authors help the reader understand why and how they have been caught inside their ‘connection compulsion’, and how to reduce the grip of such a compulsion to build a healthier outlook on relationships. I highly recommend this book to anyone who feels they can relate to either the ‘obsessor’ or the ‘obsessee’ position – the practical step-by-step guides in combination with the intellectual insights in this book will be of great help to you. It might also be good to read this alongside Pia Mellody’s Facing Codependence.

[Ieva · Rating 4 out of 5]

Labai lengvai skaitoma knyga, kurioje aiškiai ir konkrečiai pateikiamos mintys apie santykius, gausiai iliuostruojama pavyzdžiais. Knygos stiprybė man pasirodė ta, kad neinama paviršiumi, nereferuojama į visuomenės standartus, bet užkabinami vaikystės išgyvenimai, aiškinami individualūs patyrimai, o romantiniai ryšiai atskleidžiami per labai paprastą ir pragmatišką prizmę, neidealizuojant ir nemistifikuojant meilės jausmo.

[Ankit Dua · Rating 3 out of 5]

When you first experience love, you feel a strong impact and may want to evaluate your feelings. However, this book falls short in delivering valuable insights and instead states the obvious. It mentions seeking therapy when people start following their ex and violating their privacy. Isn't there a distinction between obsessive behaviour and extreme love, even though the symptoms of loving too much are evident?

[Alexis K · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you read the “about this book” section and thought, “Yes, I have done/felt those things,” READ THIS BOOK. And if you then wisely read this book and realize you have an unbelievable amount of childhood trauma that has influenced every single one of your past relationships and made you feel any sort of obsessive behavior, however you manifested that behavior in the relationship or when it ended, please seek professional help. You (and your incredibly hurt inner child) deserve healing.

[Giedre Az · Rating 5 out of 5]

Įdomi knyga , patiko

[Paulė · Rating 5 out of 5]

Puiki knyga, praktiška, su pavyzdžiais iš gyvenimo. Labai įkvepia pokyčiui ir augimui

[Monika · Rating 4 out of 5]

„Mintys kursto jausmus, šie kreipia elgesį, šis išjudina kitas mintis, šios pradeda ciklą iš pradžių.”

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5⭐️

[Zahra Naderi · Rating 3 out of 5]

خدا را صدهزار مرتبه شکر که این خارجی ها هم تخته کم دارند.
+ نسخه فارسی شو خوندم.

[A · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend for anyone involved in toxic yet intoxicating relationships. I'd always prided myself on leaving when I didn't feel appreciated, but I failed to admit that I chased people with no intention of treating me right. I'd justify so many actions as, "No, I know they love me." It'd always end with my feeling spiteful, hateful, and rage. Eventually, I flipped a 180 and just never believed anyone could love me. I didn't see this as maladaptive, black-and-white thinking until I started looking inward.

Additionally, I didn't think there was a problem with my thought process or feelings because I never let it translate to the behaviors mentioned in the book or sensationalized by the media. I have angry, violent thoughts but will never lay a hand on anyone."As long as I'm not stalking or pestering anyone the moment they reject me and leave them alone, then I'm fine, right?"

However, reading this book made me understand that the thoughts and feelings I had were definitely obsessive and unhealthy, and there was a way to undo them for the sake of living happily and peacefully. To be precise, I passively obsess, meaning that when my obsessive thoughts get the best of me, I'll turn inward, shut down, become depressed, etc. Even if I let go of my lovers physically, my internal thoughts are still hung up on them, what could have been, and other self-defeating thoughts that prevent me from moving on.

When someone gives any inkling of not wanting the same thing as you, it's time to let go, no questions asked. A person's rejection is not some game of "let's see how much I can compromise to change their mind." There's no such thing as settled scores either. You must move on and never look back.

Abandonment issues and childhood trauma where you had to put others before you or chase validation definitely play into this, so perhaps this book will help you work through that as well.

The biggest lesson I learned was how to just let go. Once a situation or relationship is over, I only had myself to blame for letting the painful memories and ruminations marinate. I get it though; sometimes the pain is what we know and are used to, thus where the "comfort" lies.

I wish those who read this to find peace and avoid such dynamics; they serve no one.

[Anthony Santiago · Rating 4 out of 5]

Exactly what I needed after DOGE demobilized AmeriCorps NCCC and scattered my team back into the un-homely homes of long distance.

In all seriousness, this was an enjoyable and captivating read, often for its unintentional hilarity. I know some of these problems are real for people, but c'mon the example scenarios are so bizarre. My favorite parts were the sudden Henry Kissinger quote and the perfect "thirty-five-year-old Pisces." (Pisces is desirable for some reason?) Kissinger sucks, lol.

The real potatoes and beans of Obsessive Love can be found in section three, where Forward outlines her steps for overcoming "connection compulsion" and unhealthy attachment to your AmeriCorps team. A lot of that rejection anxiety is rooted in childhood trauma, that is, the (in)actions of parents. Obsessors find themselves turning their AmeriCorps teams into "symbolic parents," which isn't fair to your HAWCs, PCLs, and TLs. I wish I'd read this three years ago, if only for how the latter chapters would have prepared me for AmeriCorps.

[Desiree Garcia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Obsessive Love by Susan Forward is an extremely interesting book. I thought that because I haven't experienced true love quite yet, this book wouldn't spark my interest. However, I gave it a go and ended up loving it! This book is about several stories in which people experienced this form of 'obsessive love.' Some individuals couldn't get enough of their partner and began to become a little too attached, while others felt as if they could never escape their partner. Susan Forward made wonderful points as to why people do what they do and feel how they feel. When people are in love, they can change completely; some for good, others for the worst. I cannot pick a favorite story because each and every one is equally significant but I do have to say that I never thought things like this happened in real life. It surely did open my eyes. I always knew that people could get incredibly attached and want to know what their lover is doing at every second of the day. Although in this book, everything is taken up several notches. People often react the way they do due to the way they're treated as well as their mindset. This book was extremely enjoyable for me to read as it was a huge wakeup call that there are people out there like that, and its not always your fault. I've never read a book that mentally changed me as much as this one did.

[Lina Gholami · Rating 5 out of 5]

کتاب با عنوان «گذر از عشق های سمی» با ترجمه مینا فتحی توسط انتشارات لیوسا به چاپ رسیده است.

سوزان فوروارد روان شناس سرشناس و متخصص حوزه روابط بین فردی در کتاب «گذر از عشق های سمی» به مهم ترین موضوع انسانی یعنی عشق و روابط عاشقانه می پردازد به ویژه عشق های افراطی که در آن خط قرمز هیجانات و احساسات خوشایند و لطیف عاشقانه رد شده اند و به رفتاری وسواسی و آسیب زننده و حتی خطرناک تبدیل گشته اند عشق هایی که یکی از طرفین دیگری را رها کرده است اما طرف مقابل حاضر نیست این موضوع را بپذیرد و مصرانه برای دستیابی به خواسته اش به اعمال غیرمنطقی دست می زند
سوزان فوروارد با طرح نمونه های واقعی، تفاوت دوست داشتن سالم و ناسالم را به تصویر می کشد و با ارائه راهکار، این گونه افراد را یاری می رساند تا به زندگی عادی خود بازگردند.

«احساس مرموز و قدرتمند عاشق وسواسی به فرد مورد علاقه اش چیست که او را تا اینجا می کشاند؟ در احساس و افکار و رفتارهای این فرد چه می گذرد که آن را از احساسی متعادل و واقعی متمایز می کند؟ چرا عاشقان وسواسی تا این اندازه نیاز به توجه و ادامه چنین وابستگی را در خود احساس می کنند؟ چرا این قدر احساس خشم می کنند؟ چرا این قدر از جدایی می ترسند؟ چرا این قدر مقاومت می کنند؟ چرا این قدر به قضایا اشتباه می نگرند؟»

[Helen · Rating 3 out of 5]

A well-written, easy-to-read self-help volume that explains the reasons why some people may tenaciously cling to lovers, driving them away, or refuse to accept that a relationship has ended, and so forth. The reason usually stems from an absent parent, and the unresolved issues years later surface in a person seeking out someone they consider The One Magic Person who will solve all their problems, and somehow even make the problem of the past, better. The pattern is based on the loss of the parent's love and the need to find it later in life. The quest does not make for healthy relationships. The important thing is to think and not act impulsively, to label obsessive love as obsessive, to not get totally invested in a relationship, to not be crushed if a relationship ends. It only took me a few days to read this book and it seemed to explain quite a few things that had mystified me my entire life, such as unresolved issues with anger and sadness as they pertained to my late parents.