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Change Your Questions, Change Your Life: 12 Powerful Tools for Leadership, Coaching, and Results
Questions are at the core of how we listen, behave, think, and relate--as individuals and organizations. Virtually everything we think and do is generated by questions. Questions push us into new territories. The future begins with our thinking, represented by the questions we ask ourselves."Change Your Questions, Change Your Life" shows readers how to consistently choose the questions that can lead them to success, both personally and professionally. This technique, called "QuestionsThinking," stimulates innovation, accelerate productivity, and create more rewarding relationships.
"Change Your Questions, Change Your Life" is a personal growth fable that tells how a seasoned executive, Ben Knight, uses QuestionThinking to move into a higher leadership role and how the same methods of change help him and his wife, Grace, enrich their marriage.
"Change Your Questions, Change Your Life" is a personal growth fable that tells how a seasoned executive, Ben Knight, uses QuestionThinking to move into a higher leadership role and how the same methods of change help him and his wife, Grace, enrich their marriage.
240 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 1, 2004
783 people are currently reading
4700 people want to read
About the author
Marilee G. Adams
12 books33 followersMarilee Adams, Ph.D., is an author, executive coach, facilitator, and professional speaker. She is president and founder of the Inquiry Institute, a consulting, coaching, and educational organization and the originator of the QUESTION THINKING™ methodologies.
Marilee is the author of Change Your Questions, Change Your Life: 12 Powerful Tools for Leadership, Coaching and Life, 3rd edition, a best-selling business and relationship fable about an executive coach and inquiring leadership. Teaching That Changes Lives: 12 Mindset Tools for Igniting the Love of Learning, is about cultivating the Learner Mindset for breakthroughs in schools. She also authored a textbook, The Art of the Question: A Guide to Short-Term Question-Centered Therapy. She wrote a chapter for Action Learning and Its Applications, Present and Future and coauthored, with Drs. David Cooperrider and Marge Schiller, a chapter for Advances in Appreciative Inquiry. She has a chapter in Positively M.A.D.: Making a Difference in Your Organizations, Communities, & the World and has also written articles on expert questioning in coaching and on organizational inquiry and transformation. She is also a guest blogger for Experience Life Magazine.
Marilee is an adjunct professor at American University’s School of Public Affairs in their Key Executive Leadership Program, a member of the Core Faculty, Certificates in Leadership Coaching, cosponsored by Adler International Learning and the Ontario Institute for Studies in Education of the University Toronto. She is also affiliated with Columbia University’s Learning & Leadership Group at Teachers College.
Marilee’s QUESTION THINKING™ work forms the core of her presentations, keynotes, workshops and workdays in organizations (including Fortune 50 companies), government agencies, nonprofits, and for communities.
She and her husband, artist and coach, Ed Adams, live in the arts community and river town of Lambertville, New Jersey.
Marilee is the author of Change Your Questions, Change Your Life: 12 Powerful Tools for Leadership, Coaching and Life, 3rd edition, a best-selling business and relationship fable about an executive coach and inquiring leadership. Teaching That Changes Lives: 12 Mindset Tools for Igniting the Love of Learning, is about cultivating the Learner Mindset for breakthroughs in schools. She also authored a textbook, The Art of the Question: A Guide to Short-Term Question-Centered Therapy. She wrote a chapter for Action Learning and Its Applications, Present and Future and coauthored, with Drs. David Cooperrider and Marge Schiller, a chapter for Advances in Appreciative Inquiry. She has a chapter in Positively M.A.D.: Making a Difference in Your Organizations, Communities, & the World and has also written articles on expert questioning in coaching and on organizational inquiry and transformation. She is also a guest blogger for Experience Life Magazine.
Marilee is an adjunct professor at American University’s School of Public Affairs in their Key Executive Leadership Program, a member of the Core Faculty, Certificates in Leadership Coaching, cosponsored by Adler International Learning and the Ontario Institute for Studies in Education of the University Toronto. She is also affiliated with Columbia University’s Learning & Leadership Group at Teachers College.
Marilee’s QUESTION THINKING™ work forms the core of her presentations, keynotes, workshops and workdays in organizations (including Fortune 50 companies), government agencies, nonprofits, and for communities.
She and her husband, artist and coach, Ed Adams, live in the arts community and river town of Lambertville, New Jersey.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 428 reviews
February 3, 2019
The author uses a story to teach her points. It could be shorter but the story makes it easy to take in the concepts. Overall I recommend.
NOTES:
-Become an observer to notice if you're having "judging" questions or "learning" questions.
-Judging questions are negative and constricting
-Learning questions are and expansive
-We’re al recovery judgers. We can’t get rid of out judging habits but with commitment, focus, we can guide ourselves back to learner. Practice learner to make it more habit.
- Your job is to get good at recovery with judgement (not to never judge as that's impossible).
-Switching from judging to learning questions is the goal, not to never go down the judger path.
- We’re human and will all judge - make friends with judger but learn how to get out of that thinking as quickly as possible
Judgement questions (self or others):
What’s wrong
Whos to blame
How can i prove im right
How can i protect my turf
How can i be in control
How call i lose
How can i get hurt
Why bother
Why is that person clueless
What do you feel after readings these questions? Notice that. This feeling is a clue/trigger that you’re going down the judger pathway.
Learning questions:
What happened
What do I want
What’s useful about this
What’s the other person thinking feeling wanting
What can i learn
What are my choices
What’s best to do now
What’s possible
What am i responsible for
What are the facts
What’s the big picture
What is other person needing
What are set of words you’d use to describe your feelings now? Do you feel lighter, more open? This is a clue/trigger you’re in learner curiosity.
Choice map to see visual - http://inquiryinstitute.com/resources...
ABCC Method - (Creating better questions starts with Awareness & Acceptance)
A- Aware
Am I in judger thinking?
B- Breath
Do I need to pause
Step back and look at it more objectivity
C- Curiosity
What’s happening here
What are the facts?
Do I have everything I need
C - Choice
What’s my choice?
NOTES:
-Become an observer to notice if you're having "judging" questions or "learning" questions.
-Judging questions are negative and constricting
-Learning questions are and expansive
-We’re al recovery judgers. We can’t get rid of out judging habits but with commitment, focus, we can guide ourselves back to learner. Practice learner to make it more habit.
- Your job is to get good at recovery with judgement (not to never judge as that's impossible).
-Switching from judging to learning questions is the goal, not to never go down the judger path.
- We’re human and will all judge - make friends with judger but learn how to get out of that thinking as quickly as possible
Judgement questions (self or others):
What’s wrong
Whos to blame
How can i prove im right
How can i protect my turf
How can i be in control
How call i lose
How can i get hurt
Why bother
Why is that person clueless
What do you feel after readings these questions? Notice that. This feeling is a clue/trigger that you’re going down the judger pathway.
Learning questions:
What happened
What do I want
What’s useful about this
What’s the other person thinking feeling wanting
What can i learn
What are my choices
What’s best to do now
What’s possible
What am i responsible for
What are the facts
What’s the big picture
What is other person needing
What are set of words you’d use to describe your feelings now? Do you feel lighter, more open? This is a clue/trigger you’re in learner curiosity.
Choice map to see visual - http://inquiryinstitute.com/resources...
ABCC Method - (Creating better questions starts with Awareness & Acceptance)
A- Aware
Am I in judger thinking?
B- Breath
Do I need to pause
Step back and look at it more objectivity
C- Curiosity
What’s happening here
What are the facts?
Do I have everything I need
C - Choice
What’s my choice?
February 3, 2015
While the content feels a bit obvious and the story more than a bit cheesy, I found this book very powerful. Shifting from "Judger" to "Learner" mindset in daily conversation has profound impact. The author provides a great summary at the end for easy reference and I am excited to make concerted effort to implement the ideas I learned. Definitely worth the read.
April 24, 2013
Read this for a work book club. Only affirms my distaste for this genre, as the prose was riddled with exclamation points, unfunny jokes and obvious statements about how to exist in the world. When one of the biggest takeaways can be boiled down to "stop and think", I struggle to justify the two hours I'll never get back post- reading this. One star only because it hints at the good truth that we are the masters of our own minds and we choose how we react to situations we find ourselves in.
February 27, 2018
There’s value in the basic principle, but I think the choice of “business fable” was the wrong way to write this book.
The story is generic and cliche (the main character works at a blank company that makes “products”, is failing in his new leadership position, is introduced to a mentor who solves all his problems). His flaws and bad choices are so stupidly obvious that I found myself getting irrationally irritated.
Rolled my eyes constantly and half expected the characters to say things like “Gee willickers I hadn’t thought of that. Golly!” (And then “we all had a good laugh at that one.”)
The only reason I listened to the whole thing is because I believe, as I said at the top, that there is problem-solving and strategizing value in questions based thinking. So I guess I was hoping for some insights on that front.
A different approach, maybe something with real life stories and examples like The Checklist Manifesto, would’ve probably been a better way to package the underlying lesson.
The story is generic and cliche (the main character works at a blank company that makes “products”, is failing in his new leadership position, is introduced to a mentor who solves all his problems). His flaws and bad choices are so stupidly obvious that I found myself getting irrationally irritated.
Rolled my eyes constantly and half expected the characters to say things like “Gee willickers I hadn’t thought of that. Golly!” (And then “we all had a good laugh at that one.”)
The only reason I listened to the whole thing is because I believe, as I said at the top, that there is problem-solving and strategizing value in questions based thinking. So I guess I was hoping for some insights on that front.
A different approach, maybe something with real life stories and examples like The Checklist Manifesto, would’ve probably been a better way to package the underlying lesson.
February 11, 2025
Całkiem zgrabny poradnik, nie przegadany, co - w przypadku tego typu książek - jest raczej rzadkością. Napisany też inaczej, bo jesteśmy obserwatorami, którzy towarzyszą głównemu bohaterowi i widzą zmiany w jego myśleniu w miarę wzrostu jego samoświadomości. Warto przeczytać, bo z natury jesteśmy sędziami, a wieczna krytyka w żadnym wypadku nie jest rozwojowa. Interesująca mapa wyborów - świetna, by ją wydrukować i mieć gdzieś pod ręką.
August 7, 2017
I'm amazed that how the author can write a book based on a one-page essay. There might be some truth in it but it just has been buried under nonsense.
December 27, 2016
Work-required read. 3.5 stars for the ideas, but OH MY GOD save me from the true life story to sell it all. I could have just used the charts and bullet points.
April 15, 2017
Effective, yet simple, framework
Love to start practising this. Will see how meditation can help with the self observer part as well. Coaches, you should read.
Love to start practising this. Will see how meditation can help with the self observer part as well. Coaches, you should read.
October 22, 2019
while the underlying method might have some merit, most of the message gets lost in all the annoying fictional chitter chatter
December 4, 2018
Summary: Builds on the insight that the kinds of questions we ask shape our actions, and focuses on learning to ask "learner" rather than "judger" questions.
Marilee Adams proposes that the kinds of questions we ask of ourselves and of others, whether they be spouses, work colleagues, or coachees, profoundly shape our actions and our lives. She calls this Question Thinking. She proposes that we choose between two types of paths, two types of questions: the Judger path and the Learner path. For example:
Judger asks: What's wrong with me? Learner asks: What do I value about myself?
Judger asks: What's wrong with him/her? Learner asks: What do I appreciate about him or her?
Judger asks: Whose fault is it? Learner asks: Am I being responsible?
Often, when we are in Judger, we feel hopeless, depressed, uptight and we feel ourselves tensing up. In Learner, we relax. Adams uses a tool called the Choice Map to illustrate these paths and the Judger Pit when we are controlled by Judger questions.
We all have a Judger in us, but Adams offers hope in terms of switching questions. This is rooted in learning to become an observer of when we are in Judger, accepting the Judger in us, and learning to ask questions that move us into Learner beginning with "Am I in Judger?", "Is this what I want to feel or do?", "Where would I rather be?", and "How else can I think about this?" (a very helpful question!). Often this leads to questioning our assumptions. Another tool she provides is the ABCD process (Aware, Breathe!, Curiosity, Decide).
When a leader develops a Learner perspective, he or she is positioned to develop a learner team. It begins with changing the questions one asks with a team, but also training them in the Choice Map so they can become aware of when they are in Judger or Learner. A tool that particularly energizes Learner in teams is Q-Storming, that is brainstorming Learner Questions.
Adams presents this material through the story of Ben, a talented manager whose team is failing. Ben is struggling and ready to resign until Alexa his boss refers him to Joseph, who coaches him in Question Thinking and learning to make the switch from Judger to Learner. She introduces different Question Thinking tools through this narrative as Ben experiences a transformation in his marriage and his work as he moves from Judger to Learner.
The book concludes with Twelve Tools for leadership, coaching and life, and exercises the reader can use to implement these tools in their own context.
While I suspect that this approach is not the "magic bullet" for every situation, Adams' insight seems important. Our self talk, indeed our self-questioning does reflect a mindset, one that can foster either negativity and self-protection, or a positive atmosphere that respects and looks for the best in oneself and others and what they can do. It seemed to me that the critical insight of this book is that of questioning our assumptions, and asking ourselves if there are other ways to think about the situations we encounter. Often, we get locked into one way of seeing things, often one that doesn't do justice, either to us, or to the others in our lives. Adams approach helps us get unlocked.
Marilee Adams proposes that the kinds of questions we ask of ourselves and of others, whether they be spouses, work colleagues, or coachees, profoundly shape our actions and our lives. She calls this Question Thinking. She proposes that we choose between two types of paths, two types of questions: the Judger path and the Learner path. For example:
Judger asks: What's wrong with me? Learner asks: What do I value about myself?
Judger asks: What's wrong with him/her? Learner asks: What do I appreciate about him or her?
Judger asks: Whose fault is it? Learner asks: Am I being responsible?
Often, when we are in Judger, we feel hopeless, depressed, uptight and we feel ourselves tensing up. In Learner, we relax. Adams uses a tool called the Choice Map to illustrate these paths and the Judger Pit when we are controlled by Judger questions.
We all have a Judger in us, but Adams offers hope in terms of switching questions. This is rooted in learning to become an observer of when we are in Judger, accepting the Judger in us, and learning to ask questions that move us into Learner beginning with "Am I in Judger?", "Is this what I want to feel or do?", "Where would I rather be?", and "How else can I think about this?" (a very helpful question!). Often this leads to questioning our assumptions. Another tool she provides is the ABCD process (Aware, Breathe!, Curiosity, Decide).
When a leader develops a Learner perspective, he or she is positioned to develop a learner team. It begins with changing the questions one asks with a team, but also training them in the Choice Map so they can become aware of when they are in Judger or Learner. A tool that particularly energizes Learner in teams is Q-Storming, that is brainstorming Learner Questions.
Adams presents this material through the story of Ben, a talented manager whose team is failing. Ben is struggling and ready to resign until Alexa his boss refers him to Joseph, who coaches him in Question Thinking and learning to make the switch from Judger to Learner. She introduces different Question Thinking tools through this narrative as Ben experiences a transformation in his marriage and his work as he moves from Judger to Learner.
The book concludes with Twelve Tools for leadership, coaching and life, and exercises the reader can use to implement these tools in their own context.
While I suspect that this approach is not the "magic bullet" for every situation, Adams' insight seems important. Our self talk, indeed our self-questioning does reflect a mindset, one that can foster either negativity and self-protection, or a positive atmosphere that respects and looks for the best in oneself and others and what they can do. It seemed to me that the critical insight of this book is that of questioning our assumptions, and asking ourselves if there are other ways to think about the situations we encounter. Often, we get locked into one way of seeing things, often one that doesn't do justice, either to us, or to the others in our lives. Adams approach helps us get unlocked.
December 24, 2012
There are some really basic concepts that could have been covered in half the space, but the story was interesting to follow.
March 18, 2022
While the messages and tools are actually wonderful, as a book, it's not too fun to read. If I were rating it based on advice, I'd give a 4/5; on style 3/5; on enjoyment, 2/5.
Although the book attempts to elevate self-management, it ultimately falls victim to its superfluous examples and restating.
The content is framed as a story from the perspective of Ben, a fictional character who needs help with his leadership skills, and his communication with his wife. This helps temper the messaging, but still comes off as hokey.
The tools in this book might do better in a shorter format with a more engaging story.
Although the book attempts to elevate self-management, it ultimately falls victim to its superfluous examples and restating.
The content is framed as a story from the perspective of Ben, a fictional character who needs help with his leadership skills, and his communication with his wife. This helps temper the messaging, but still comes off as hokey.
The tools in this book might do better in a shorter format with a more engaging story.
August 7, 2021
Een heel waardevol boek dat ik op juiste moment in mijn leven heb gelezen en waarvan ik de belangrijkste zaken genoteerd heb voor daily practice . Over hoe snel we “judgers” zijn ipv “learners” en dat dit menselijk is en dat het gewoon belangrijk is om dat te herkennen en dat er dan switching lanes zijn (keuze om om te vormen naar learners) en dat je in team of gezinsverband niet altijd een antwoord moet hebben maar vooral de juiste vragen moet stellen.
September 10, 2024
As far as assigned reading at the office, this one is second only to 'Lean In.' Our group will be discussing this next week and I'm actually really looking forward to it. The concepts are old but the words are new, 'judger' and 'learner' and I bet you can figure out which we do more and which we should do more. The main guy in the story is called Ben. Ben is an a*hole, as a boss and as a partner in his personal life. The story is about how Ben can consciously it learn to be aware of his actions and stop being an a*hole - at the office and at home. We probably all know people in leadership positions who could benefit from reading this. And, those who are good leaders may want to read it and possibly be an even better leader. The narration was well done, even if the voice of Ben was female.
March 14, 2023
I waffled between giving this book a 3* or a 4*. Overall, I like the concept and appreciate the unique perspective around Question Thinking. Though the book can be eyerollingly cheesy at times, I think the lessons included are valuable to all, and believe that each of us will get something different out of this book.
July 23, 2025
Could have been an article.
Good enough concept but terrible demonstration of it. I can’t do fable style management books …..
Good enough concept but terrible demonstration of it. I can’t do fable style management books …..
July 14, 2023
Cuốn này đưa ra một công cụ rất đơn giản để bạn có thể tự huấn luyện bản thân và thay đổi cuộc sống mà không cần phải đặt mình vào trong những tình huống khó nhằn. Công cụ đó là "bản đồ lựa chọn", đặt ra tình huống giữa việc bạn muốn trở thành "người tìm hiểu" hay "người chỉ trích". Rất đơn giản, dễ hiểu và dễ nhớ.
Mình thích cách tác giả đưa ra những ví dụ và dẫn dắt dễ hiểu để làm nổi bật lên ý nghĩa và tầm quan trọng của bản đồ lựa chọn, từ đó đưa ra những câu hỏi đúng. Thường thì chúng mình không nhận thức được những câu hỏi mà chúng mình đang tự hỏi bản thân hay hỏi người khác, cũng như tác động của chúng lên suy nghĩ và hành động. Những câu hỏi như "sao mình lúc nào cũng buồn vậy?", "làm sao để không thất bại lần nữa?" hay "đây là lỗi của ai?" sẽ khiến chúng mình thêm căng thẳng, lo âu và từ đó củng cố thêm cho những suy nghĩ lập trình cho sự thất bại. Những câu hỏi đủ sức thay đổi mặt sinh lý (như cảm xúc, phản ứng của cơ thể). Vậy nên, hãy thận trọng hơn với các câu hỏi vì chúng sẽ ảnh hưởng đến cách chúng ta suy nghĩ, hành động và phản ứng với mọi người xung quanh.
Cuốn sách khiến mình nhìn nhận lại phản ứng của bản thân trong một số tình huống mà mình thấy bất lợi hay bực bội. Và em ý có khả năng tái định hình tư duy rất ổn.
Tuy vậy, ngoài phần chính là tấm bản đồ lựa chọn, các phần sau hầu như là nội dung lặp lại. Dù là tác giả đang củng cố thêm quan điểm và cho thấy tầm quan trọng cũng như tác động của câu hỏi đúng lên cuộc sống chúng ta, nhưng lại không đưa ra thêm ý gì mới mẻ hay ho hết. Vậy nên dù ý nghĩa tác động lên bản thân rất okelah và mình cũng thích em sách này, nhưng lý trí chỉ cho được 3 sao thôi :)
Mình thích cách tác giả đưa ra những ví dụ và dẫn dắt dễ hiểu để làm nổi bật lên ý nghĩa và tầm quan trọng của bản đồ lựa chọn, từ đó đưa ra những câu hỏi đúng. Thường thì chúng mình không nhận thức được những câu hỏi mà chúng mình đang tự hỏi bản thân hay hỏi người khác, cũng như tác động của chúng lên suy nghĩ và hành động. Những câu hỏi như "sao mình lúc nào cũng buồn vậy?", "làm sao để không thất bại lần nữa?" hay "đây là lỗi của ai?" sẽ khiến chúng mình thêm căng thẳng, lo âu và từ đó củng cố thêm cho những suy nghĩ lập trình cho sự thất bại. Những câu hỏi đủ sức thay đổi mặt sinh lý (như cảm xúc, phản ứng của cơ thể). Vậy nên, hãy thận trọng hơn với các câu hỏi vì chúng sẽ ảnh hưởng đến cách chúng ta suy nghĩ, hành động và phản ứng với mọi người xung quanh.
Cuốn sách khiến mình nhìn nhận lại phản ứng của bản thân trong một số tình huống mà mình thấy bất lợi hay bực bội. Và em ý có khả năng tái định hình tư duy rất ổn.
Tuy vậy, ngoài phần chính là tấm bản đồ lựa chọn, các phần sau hầu như là nội dung lặp lại. Dù là tác giả đang củng cố thêm quan điểm và cho thấy tầm quan trọng cũng như tác động của câu hỏi đúng lên cuộc sống chúng ta, nhưng lại không đưa ra thêm ý gì mới mẻ hay ho hết. Vậy nên dù ý nghĩa tác động lên bản thân rất okelah và mình cũng thích em sách này, nhưng lý trí chỉ cho được 3 sao thôi :)
May 1, 2018
"The moment anything happens to us, that's when we start asking ourselves questions. The sooner we recognize what we're asking, the better" (pg 65)
Absolutely loved this book. I recommend this to any leader, educator, professional, college student, husband, wife, etc. The ideas discussed are very relevant and applicable in todays era. The themes can be utilized in most any stage of life and nearly every form of work. The concepts that Marilee Adams reviews are broken down into the simple questions (verbal or nonverbal) we ask ourselves on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis. First of all, I couldn't believe that I am literally asking questions every day. It's so subtle and happens so unconsciously that we don't even realize it. Once I did, I couldn't believe how my questions were driving my habits, actions, and feelings. By increasing overall awareness (observer self) while learning to ask yourself the right questions, in any given situation, can give you the power to change your life in nearly every facet.
The tools Marilee Adams gives are concrete, in that you can engage in these activities to strengthen your observer self. These tools also include: forms of mindfulness, top 12 questions, a choice map, etc.
As a side-note, I have used many of the ideas presented in my professional work to help students through their various difficulties and situations.
This has to be one of the best psychology books I've come across that has both the personal relevancy and impact to truly change your life. This is a must-have to your personal library.
Absolutely loved this book. I recommend this to any leader, educator, professional, college student, husband, wife, etc. The ideas discussed are very relevant and applicable in todays era. The themes can be utilized in most any stage of life and nearly every form of work. The concepts that Marilee Adams reviews are broken down into the simple questions (verbal or nonverbal) we ask ourselves on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis. First of all, I couldn't believe that I am literally asking questions every day. It's so subtle and happens so unconsciously that we don't even realize it. Once I did, I couldn't believe how my questions were driving my habits, actions, and feelings. By increasing overall awareness (observer self) while learning to ask yourself the right questions, in any given situation, can give you the power to change your life in nearly every facet.
The tools Marilee Adams gives are concrete, in that you can engage in these activities to strengthen your observer self. These tools also include: forms of mindfulness, top 12 questions, a choice map, etc.
As a side-note, I have used many of the ideas presented in my professional work to help students through their various difficulties and situations.
This has to be one of the best psychology books I've come across that has both the personal relevancy and impact to truly change your life. This is a must-have to your personal library.
June 22, 2017
With an amateurish story, written to illustrate (and advertise) her methods, a consultant describes "QT," or question thinking. While I like the methods, I don't believe the story goes far enough to successfully show how to use the methods in real life. Rather, it is clearly a book-length advertisement for the program, and an attempt to get the reader to visit Adams' website and presumably enroll in training or purchase other materials to flesh out the methods.
The methods themselves are grounded in principles of communication that stand the test of time, most of which can be found in other sources as well, and often better illustrated and explained. For example, I would recommend readers interested in pursuing similar ideas to Crucial Conversations or Crucial Accountability, both from VitalSmarts, or to Difficult Conversations, by Bruce Patton. And certainly there are other books that illustrate methods grounded in the principles. I teach (or have taught) classes using all of these books, and highly recommend them. I am not affiliated with the associated companies or authors in other respects.
In short, avoid judging others unfairly, become curious and seek to learn, and ask questions designed to elicit creative and positive responses, and (not surprisingly) people will generally respond in productive ways.
The methods themselves are grounded in principles of communication that stand the test of time, most of which can be found in other sources as well, and often better illustrated and explained. For example, I would recommend readers interested in pursuing similar ideas to Crucial Conversations or Crucial Accountability, both from VitalSmarts, or to Difficult Conversations, by Bruce Patton. And certainly there are other books that illustrate methods grounded in the principles. I teach (or have taught) classes using all of these books, and highly recommend them. I am not affiliated with the associated companies or authors in other respects.
In short, avoid judging others unfairly, become curious and seek to learn, and ask questions designed to elicit creative and positive responses, and (not surprisingly) people will generally respond in productive ways.
December 15, 2016
I found this book very irritating at first, as I didn't choose it for a work of well written fiction but simply to learn some more about asking good questions. I found the attempts at descriptions of office carpet etc tedious and irrelevant. Eventually the parable got to the point but was quite belaboured and drawn out - I suspect to make it PhD worthy?! The concept is simple: we can choose how to respond, with either unhelpful questions that get us stuck or more helpful questions that help us move forward, but all the models, maps and registered trademarks make this all feel a bit too packaged. Towards the end there were some good reminders about how questions really shape our whole day, and I liked the idea of q-storming but the name is a bit tacky. Overall - kind of obvious stuff, and the main character is hard to relate to unless you have zero EI - in which case I suspect you wouldn't be reading a book like this.
January 9, 2023
Recommended by a colleague. Very good, easy to digest. I want to remember these questions:
1. What do I want? What are my goals?
2. What assumptions am I making?
3. What am I responsible for?
4. How else can I think about this?
5. What is the other person thinking, feeling and wanting?
6. What am I missing or avoiding?
7. What can I learn? (from this person, from this situation, from this mistake/failure, from this success)
8. What questions should I ask myself and/or others?
9. How can I turn this experience into a win-win situation?
10. What's possible?
11. What are my choices?
12. What action steps make the most sense?
1. What do I want? What are my goals?
2. What assumptions am I making?
3. What am I responsible for?
4. How else can I think about this?
5. What is the other person thinking, feeling and wanting?
6. What am I missing or avoiding?
7. What can I learn? (from this person, from this situation, from this mistake/failure, from this success)
8. What questions should I ask myself and/or others?
9. How can I turn this experience into a win-win situation?
10. What's possible?
11. What are my choices?
12. What action steps make the most sense?
October 13, 2020
1. The book could have easily been a 'booklet' because the core idea of question-thinking can essentially be condensed to those many pages.
2. Having said that, I liked this approach which is an elaboration on "put yourself in somebody else's shoes"
3. The judger mentality has definitely impeded a lot of efforts for me personally, both in personal and professional spheres. The learner-judger distinguishment, like a lot of mental models is easy to explain but tough to adhere to unless we start being conscious of it every day.
2. Having said that, I liked this approach which is an elaboration on "put yourself in somebody else's shoes"
3. The judger mentality has definitely impeded a lot of efforts for me personally, both in personal and professional spheres. The learner-judger distinguishment, like a lot of mental models is easy to explain but tough to adhere to unless we start being conscious of it every day.
May 17, 2011
This was a great book! The ability to use the "Choice Map" and go down the learner Path instead of the Judger Path has been a powerful addition to my life! My whole business is based on teaching and mentoring people how to achieve success in their lives with better questions = QuestioningSuccess! So it was even more proof of the validity of my core message. This is a great read if you are ready to start looking at your questions.
January 29, 2018
Written in a somewhat pedantic tone, this book nevertheless introduced how questions play a vital role in solving problems differently, relating to others, and to ourselves. The frameworks introduced are intuitive and memorable, with straightforward application for one's own reflection, for coaching sessions, or group meetings. I intend to take a few of these question practices back to work -- and keep them in mind for personal use, too.
August 30, 2014
The story leads us through some key principles and questions we can ask ourselves in order to improve our situation. The diagram that comes along with the book of how asking questions can open up new paths is something I still refer to.
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June 3, 2025Listened at work to fulfill a training requirement
Like all business books, should have been an essay instead of a book (although as essay would not have been long enough to fulfill my training requirement)
Like all business books, should have been an essay instead of a book (although as essay would not have been long enough to fulfill my training requirement)
April 15, 2018
Am I Ben?
May 17, 2020
Kitap özetle; kendimizi ya da başkaları ile olan ilişkilerimizi değerlendirirken olumsuza, yanlışa, suçluya odaklanmaktansa içinde bulunduğumuz yargılayıcı tutumun farkına varmak, varsayımlardan kurtulmak, farklı açılardan düşünmeyi denemek, karşıdaki insanın ihtiyaçlarını anlayabilmek ve durumu kazan-kazan ilişkisine çevirebilmek için soruları kullanmayı anlatıyor. Fikir ve yöntemin farklı versiyonlarını birçok iletişim ve liderlik kitabında görmüş olabiliriz bu açıdan amerikanın baştan keşfi olmasa da yöntemlerden ilişkilerimde yararlanmayı deneyeceğim.
Ayrıca bu yöntemlerin bir kahraman ile hikayeleştirilmesi kitabı daha kolay okunabilir yapmış. Hikayenin kurgusunu yeterince başarılı bulmadım ancak zaten burda yazarın da ilk önceliğinin hikayeyi değil fikirlerini yansıtmak olduğunu düşünüyorum.
Ayrıca bu yöntemlerin bir kahraman ile hikayeleştirilmesi kitabı daha kolay okunabilir yapmış. Hikayenin kurgusunu yeterince başarılı bulmadım ancak zaten burda yazarın da ilk önceliğinin hikayeyi değil fikirlerini yansıtmak olduğunu düşünüyorum.
February 2, 2020
I listened to the audio book of this. The book itself was easy to follow and reminded me of fairytale for adults - with simple examples and results. On the very last chapter does the actual summary and guidance come in. Never the less, I think I'll be more aware of my questions and how I can handle my own life to improve it and "don't feed my judger".
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March 22, 2024This book came to me in perfect timing.
It showed me the answer to how I can jump out of victim mode or the judger mode as the book called when collaberating with colleagues or interacting with friends/family.
When you ask a question with a judgemental tone, it's inevitable that the result ends with resentment and discontent.
This is such a useful self-work book to self-awareness and help me grow into a better learner and listener.
It showed me the answer to how I can jump out of victim mode or the judger mode as the book called when collaberating with colleagues or interacting with friends/family.
When you ask a question with a judgemental tone, it's inevitable that the result ends with resentment and discontent.
This is such a useful self-work book to self-awareness and help me grow into a better learner and listener.
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