I found myself in the mood for a fun, mindless, snowy horror novel after the first snow of the season. I picked Ronald Malfi's Snow after it was recommended to me by members in a horror book group. I knew Snow wouldn't be a great book, but I was hoping it would be fun. Unfortunately, the writing was a little too cringy and the plot was predictable and sloppy.
I almost didn't read this book. After the prologue, we meet our protagonist, Todd. Todd's story is simple: he has not seen his son for a long time because he made mistakes with gambling and... yeah, that's it. Unfortunately, his connecting flight gets cancelled and he is stranded with nowhere to go and no way to get to his son for Christmas. He meets Kate, the other protagonist, at the airport and she decides to rent a car to drive through the blizzard that cancelled their flight because she wants to get to her fiancé for Christmas.
The reason I almost didn't read this book was because of an interaction Todd has with an overweight man at the airport. The way Malfi describes this man just didn't sit right with me. The man does nothing wrong other than complain about his cancelled flight, but Malfi chooses to describe him in a demeaning way. Malfi writes that the man's pants "...looked like they had been cut from the fabric from a multicolored circus tent," and describes him as having "squinty eyes" and "an index finger roughly the size of a kielbasa" (p.8). I was confused as to why the author was describing the guy in a way that was clearly meant to lead the reader to dislike him. But the only subjectively unlikable thing about the man is that he is overweight. I decided I was being too sensitive about the subject and kept reading despite this terrible description:
"...sliding the tip of the pizza into his mouth. He tore a bite out of it that would put the shark from Jaws to shame." (p.9)
Um...ok. I'm pretty sure there is no human who's mouth is comparable to a sharks. So, Malfi, you are just being ridiculous and dramatic because... the guy is fat?
I should have stopped reading this book there, but I knew it would be a quick read and it came highly recommended. Unfortunately, this book is filled with an abundance of terrible, cringy descriptions of things that slowly made me dislike the author more and more as I continued to read. The plot is also contrived and unbelievable.
::spoilers::
So Todd, Kate, and an old couple rent an SUV and decide to risk driving through the blizzard to get to their families for Christmas. You know this isn't going to go well. They drive for a while, then crash after they find a strange guy on the road with tears on the back of his jacket. He is stranded, confused, and looking for his daughter, who is lost in the snow. This part of the book was actually really good. Malfi developed the characters a little and created a good balance of tension and intrigue. I really wanted to know what was going to happen.
Todd sees a young girl in the snow, but she has no face. They let the strange guy get into the car and drive to a nearby town to get help. Their car is leaking coolant from the accident, so they are only (very conveniently) able to make it to the town before the car dies.
We quickly meet the monsters of the book. So these snow monsters need a body to control like a puppet in order to feed. They stab people in the back with these arm/talon things, kill them, and reanimate their corpse. Truth be told, I like this idea. But things get fuzzy when we are told that the clouds in the sky that brought the monsters also jam phone and Internet signals, so nobody can call for help. The strange man they picked up behaves differently from anyone else in the book who gets killed by the monsters, so I'm not sure what to make of that. I think the truth is that it was convenient for the plot, so Malfi didn't care that this man contradicts every other description of the snow monsters.
Unfortunately, as I kept reading, I found that the monsters, which were intriguing at the start, become silly. Our cast of characters get boring. Events that happen are ridiculous.
The couple that Todd and Kate pick up are described better than our protagonists and I knew the author was trying to get me to like them because he was going to kill them off. And, as predicted, exactly that happens. Todd and Kate meet the lady from the prologue and some kids, who are all killed off relatively quickly. It was very obvious that each character that was introduced was there solely so they could be killed by the snow monsters. I would have been ok with that if they were believable, developed characters (like the old couple), but they aren't.
Todd and Kate then meet some more people who are trying to get their phones and computers working so they can call for help. It is at this time that it is revealed that only phones and technology that was in town before the monsters and their clouds came to eat everyone are affected by the jammed signals. Lucky for the plot, Todd left his laptop in the car. If they can just get it back and hook it up, they will be able to email someone for help. Uh, what?
Now, I'll admit it. This is where I started skimming through some pages. I knew they would get the laptop, the characters who were likable would die, and Todd and Kate would make it out alive. I knew that Kate and Todd would make it because, as they story progressed, they quickly become love interests. This book absolutely did not need a romance in it AT ALL. It felt so phony and ridiculous. Todd and Kate have spent like a day together fighting snow monsters and now they are kissing. What?? Kate was on her way to meet her fiancé when we met her and she was so motivated to see him that she was willing to drive through a blizzard with strangers to get to him. But, turns out, he sleeps around, Kate sleeps around, and they know they won't get married, but continue to be together because... um... I don't know. Uh, what?
Speaking of romance, there are a couple descriptions that I found to be a crime against the art of writing:
"They spent the next few months rutting like feral cats." (p.152)
"...they stumbled back to her place and he'd gored her like a bull in heat right on her loveseat." (p.174)
Hey Malfi, you might wanna check the definition of "gored" because it definitely doesn't involve a penis and vagina. Also, you are gross.
The end of this contrived plot is exactly how I predicted. Todd makes it back with the laptop and they boot it up and open Yahoo! I had to laugh out loud. Does Yahoo! still exist? I know it did in 2010 when this book was published, but I don't think anyone uses it anymore. It was fun to laugh about it.
So they email the government or something and everyone is rescued. Todd gets shot by some crazy bitch and wakes up in the hospital and his son is there. Blah blah blah… I really don't care to discuss what happened because it was so silly.
Check out these terrible, cringy descriptions that I found while reading this book:
"The pain was like a thousand holocausts." (p.181) A woman has a cut on her leg and this is how it is described. Uh, hey Malfi, pretty sure this is disrespectful to the word "holocaust" and anyone who has lived through one.
"Tully's eyes shook like the last two gumballs in a gumball machine." (p.215) Hey Malfi, wtf are you talking about? I'm pretty sure the last two gumballs in the machine just get stuck in that spot between the top of the machine and the exit hatch, so they don't shake around.
"...the wallpaper depicting a remote island in the middle of some undisturbed Caribbean waters, clear as lucid thought, the skies unmarred by clouds and about as blue as newborn baby's dreams of the womb." (p.278) Seriously Malfi, wtf does this mean? Are wombs blue? How do you know that babies dream about blue wombs?
"Bruce stood looking like a ghost among phantoms." (p.295) Hey Malfi, I'm pretty sure "ghost" and "phantom" are synonyms. Wtf are you talking about?
I decided on a generous 2 stars for this book because the beginning when they are in the car was great. It was an easy read, but I would only recommend it to someone looking for a mindless, silly snowy horror book.