This review got really long, so I'll sum it up for you in one sentence. The men are all scumbags who hit on underage girls and cheat on their wives, the women get stomped all over and never assert themselves, the lesbians don't get a happy ending, there's not a single funny joke, I cringed the entire time reading this book, and the main character, one of the teachers who hits on underage girls and cheats on his wife, gets a happy ending where his wife (unrealistically) forgives him and he's never punished for all the creepy stuff he says about underage girls (because all of his coworkers and higher ups are also making even worse comments about the underage girls). Simply put, the book is disgusting.
I typed this next paragraph of this review when I was 20 pages into the book. I've now finished the novel, and the paragraph still stands.
I can't read a single sentence without having to put the book down afterward, let out a long sigh, and whisper to myself, "I hate this book." There are too many characters, they all have the exact same bland personality, there are no unique voices between characters, it's difficult to remember who everyone is, the first person POV doesn't do this book any favors, and some of the writing is mediocre at best. The characters are horrible archetypes, the plot line had promise in the description yet is a massive disappointment, the lesbian story line is incredibly cliched and insensitively mishandled, the dialogue is forced and stilted, almost every single one of the jokes and "witty remarks" this book apparently got famous for completely falls flat, and not a single character is likeable. In fact, the first character we're introduced to, the teacher Mr. M, who is the main protagonist, is probably one of the least likeable characters I've ever encountered in literature.
That last line is the truest. I've read several reviews for this book and was absolutely horrified to discover most of the readers of this book found Mr. M to be "such a relatable protagonist." If you're anything like this guy, you're a scum bag. He cheats on his wife. He makes inappropriate sexual comments to 15 year olds. And the only time he feels regret in the book is after rigging the election because he just can't see himself as a guy who lies. It's good to know he's perfectly okay with sexually harassing 15 year old girls and watching his adult buddies sexually harass 15 year old girls, but draws the line at being dishonest about an election he admitted has absolutely no real effect on the school. What an upstanding gentleman.
Mr. M wasn't even the only character to make completely inappropriate comments to very underage girls. Every single grown man in the book did. That's probably because every single character is a repeat of each other with no unique personality or way of speaking, but I've already criticized that about Perotta's writing. There's nothing "funny," "witty," or "humorous" as the reviews describe this book about the way grown men call 15 year old girls "little bitches" who are "flat as a board" but have "nice cabooses" while at work. It's disgusting and smarmy and unprofessional, and that kind of behavior is absolutely inexcusable from grown men dealing with children on a day to day basis in a professional setting. It's also mind boggling because Mr. M makes a point at the beginning of a book when discussing a rape case to say, "Rape is bad!" but yet he says nothing when he knows his best friend is statutorily raping a 15 year old girl. In fact, he says he's jealous that he didn't get to have sex with the girl instead. Then he fantasizes about the 15 year old girl while he makes love to his wife. Clearly Mr. M (and Perotta, I can only assume) don't have a very clear idea of what rape is.
The sexism in this book is also ridiculous. All the men constantly make jokes about how their wives nag, or how "of course my buddy was going to cheat on his wife with a 15 year old girl, his wife is pregnant and huge." Mr. M says he's in a happy marriage, but that lately his wife "eats too much ice cream which goes straight to her thighs" and "interrupts his reading." He feels he's better than his mundane life of having a happy marriage and a decent job, so he uses his entitlement to justify cheating on his wife with another woman. And of course his wife almost instantly forgives him and takes him back. Because that's realistic. (It's not. Nothing in this book is) This book is nothing but male fantasy that takes place in a world where men have no real consequences for all the skeezy, illegal things they do, and I wouldn't touch another of Perotta's novel with a ten foot pole. It sends out ludicrous messages about the way he views the world.
I didn't like the female characters either in the novel, but that's because Perotta's writing gives nothing to enjoy. It's unimaginative and uncreative, and all the women are exact copies of each other just like the men are. I didn't hate the women as passionately as I hated the men, but there was nothing about their characters to like either.
I did feel bad for them, though. The men treated them like shit for no reason. They were constantly being cheated on, dumped, duped, etc. Not only did Perotta's poor writing do them an injustice, but the male characters treated them unfairly, too. And because of Perotta's warped understanding of women, none of them ever stood up for themselves or got satisfying, empowring endings.
I felt the worst for Tracy Flick. She gets shit for absolutely no reason. Mr. M hates her with a burning passion, so much so that he rigs the election specifically so she loses. Why does he hate her so much? Why does he find her so unfitting to be president? I have no idea because there are literally no motives for him to think that way. She's a great student, she gets good grades, she's passionate about leading, she's well-spoken, she's smart, she runs several clubs. She'd make the perfect president. But Mr. M is convinced that he knows the real Tracy, and the real Tracy to him is just that dumb slut who got his best friend fired. Because the 15 year old girl is definitely to blame when a grown man gets fired for deciding to sleep with a 15 year old student. Tracy has a sex life and was preyed upon by grown men who should have backed away from her, even if she was the one advancing (spoiler alert, the teacher who got fired for sleeping with her was much more assertive about the relationship than Tracy was, which means you can't even try to put the blame on her for starting it), because of this that immediately makes her unfit for president in Mr. M's eyes, despite all of her qualifications. And the rest of the faculty seems to agree with him. They see this successful, smart, driven young woman as "sad" and "lonely" and "too aggressive" just because she likes sex and works hard and honestly towards the goals she wants to achieve. They all feel So Bad for Tracy because her life is just A Mess, and yet.... it isn't. At all. Tracy's a pretty successful young woman who deserves to reap the benefits of her success. But not a single character treats her that way. Including Tracy. Because Perotta isn't smart enough to recognize that this character's life isn't as out of whack as the men seem to think it is. And because Tracy The Whore (that might as well be her title as no one else seems to care about any of her other accomplishments) just CAN'T be president, Mr. M rigs the election in favor of Paul, some mediocre white boy jock who has no qualifications, is a bad public speaker, doesn't know what he's doing (as admitted in the summary of the book), and quite frankly just doesn't deserve it. But Mr. M thinks he's a good man who is so much better than that slut Tracy. He claims that Paul is the president the student body deserves. Paul, the nice guy, also calls a woman an ugly "fat fucking pig" at one point. No, it's not meant to show that Paul has a secret life Mr. M doesn't know about. Perotta just thinks it's perfectly acceptable for people to call others "fat fucking pigs." Because bashing women is true comedy. Such relatable, witty writing. We've all wanted to call women fat fucking pigs before, and Perotta's characters are the heroes who have the guts to do it! (I could not be rolling my eyes any harder.)
By the way, Mr. M is supposed to be redeemed for all bs he's pulled throughout the book because he comes clean about rigging the election, resigns, and gets a job as a car salesman, which isn't a punishment because he enjoys it. Perotta tries so hard to write about just how great of a guy Mr. M is for doing this. I mean, he's an absolute /saint/. He's completely overcome with guilt about the election, so much so that he just has to fess up because he's just not an evil man who can live with it. He goes on to say that he betrayed one of the core principles of being a teacher by rigging the election. I mean he's so torn up about this election because he's just a good guy at heart who would never want to be the type of person to undermine the American political process or his job as a teacher. Yet he's fine with cheating on his wife and watching his married friends have sex with their own underage students. But he's just such a great guy for confessing to that election rigging, right? What a great man. On one of the last few pages of the book, Mr. M laments that it isn't fair people like Bill Clinton get to be president, but he gets stuck being a teacher and a car salesmen. He asserts that the only difference between him and Bill is that Bill lies and he tells the truth. Man, doesn't that just hit you? Doesn't this honest, affair-having, child molester deserve better? I mean, this is a novel that REALLY gets you thinking about who deserves what in life and how fate just isn't fair to the good guys like Mr. M. Thanks for the great moral lesson, Perotta.
The lesbians take a back seat in this book pretty early on, and, honestly, thank Christ because Perotta is the last person I trust to write a delicate subject like that. I've seen plenty of lesbian characters treated like shit throughout my time, and I'm well aware of the tropes that surround LGBT stories. Within about 20 pages, Perotta's lesbians fall into almost all of the old cliches. They break up because one is in the closet, the closeted one has sex with a man to try to cure herself, the other catches them in the act, and the couple is totally devastated. Because for some reason books are incapable of portraying happy, stable lesbian couples who get happy endings. But anyway. Like I said, that took a backseat and Perotta didn't give them enough page time to dig himself much deeper. That reflected on his poor writing skills, however, because the entire lesbian story line is never wrapped up. The one who went to men because she was scared of being a lesbian never again speaks about her sexuality. She dumps the boy because it just wasn't right and they didn't have anything to talk about even though it seemed to everyone else that they were super in love. Then she gets a job at an ice cream shop and makes no mention at all of what her sexual preferences are, if she's done soul searching to discover herself, etc. Just literally not mentioned whatsoever. There's literally no point to her having a thing for the other girl because it works out to nothing. The other lesbian finds a cute girl who goes to Catholic school, spends the entire book trying to get herself kicked out of Winwood by accepting blame for things she didn't do so that she can go to Catholic school because she wants a change of scenery, then regrets it because Catholic school sucks. Not much mention of lesbianism. Doesn't end up with a girlfriend. And she doesn't get a happy ending. What was the point of any of her story? The book would have been the exact same without either of the LGBT characters, which makes the book fall into another trope of having the LGBT characters be random side characters who don't get fleshed out. Great writing. Super creative. (Not.)
As for the format of the book, it's broken up into teeny tiny sections narrated by like 5 or 6 alternating points of view. Which is way too many and way too confusing, especially since they're all in first person and all the characters speak the exact same way. Plus, did I mention that the sections are teeny tiny? Sometimes there will be three different POV changes on a single page. It's ridiculous. Fortunately for Perotta, the content of his book makes it even harder to read than the flimsy structure, so the structure in turn doesn't actually seem that bad.
One more major pet peeve about this book was that almost every single line tried to make some pretentious, deep assessment about the world. The writing is trying way too hard to sound smart, and it falls flat by using the most cliched lines or the oddest possible phrasing or having the wrong character say the line. Mr. M's pretentious self-obsessed self might think some of these mediocre philosophic thoughts, but they shouldn't sound exactly the same as the fake deep thoughts the 15 year old girls have. There's just no distinction of voice whatsoever amongst the characters. Also, other characters' physical appearances were described by the wrong characters. There's a section in the beginning where Mr. M goes on and on about how handsome Paul is, then there's a section where Paul is describing how pretty his sister is, and then there's a section where Tammy is describing how hot her mom is. It's weird. Those characters would have never talked about each other like that or noticed each other like that, and it felt like Perotta was just trying to shove in some character descriptions wherever convenient without actually thinking about the right time to do it or the right voice to say it in.
That covers most of it. I can only write so much or else this review is going to be longer than this novel, which is thankfully short. I couldn't have taken much more of it.
In short: if you're a decent human being, do not subject yourself to this scum. I'm absolutely disgusted that people think this is a great book with relatable characters. The fact that things like this can be published and revered really says a lot about how society views things, especially the treatment and behavior of women.