Stash: My Life in Hiding

by Laura Cathcart Robbins (Author/Reading)

Listening length: 9 hours and 28 minutes; read by the author

A propulsive and vivid memoir—in the vein of Drinking: A Love Story and Somebody’s Daughter—about the journey to sobriety and self-love amidst addiction, privilege, racism, and self-sabotage from the host of the popular podcast The Only One in the Room.

After years of hiding her addiction from everyone—from stockpiling pills in her Louboutins to elaborately scheduling withdrawals between PTA meetings, baby showers, and tennis matches—Laura Cathcart Robbins settles into a complicated purgatory.

She learns the hard way that privilege doesn’t protect you from pain. Facing divorce, the possibility of a grueling custody battle, and internalized racism, Robbins wonders just how much more she can take.

Now, with courage and candid openness, she reveals how she managed to begin the long journey towards sobriety and unexpectedly finding new love. Robbins harrowingly illustrates taking down the wall she built around herself brick by brick and what it means to be Black in a startingly white world. With its raw, finely crafted, and engaging prose, Stash is the story of just how badly the façade she created had to shatter before Laura could reconnect to her true self.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Addiction, Mental Health, Biography, Autobiography

10 pages, Audiobook

First published March 7, 2023

Reviews

[Kasia · Rating 3 out of 5]

**ARC provided by publisher in exchange for an honest review**

I love reading memoirs about recovering from addiction but I hate rating them. I feel like the sole fact of going through the rehab and clawing your way back to regular life is no mean feat and not everybody has enough inner power to do it. Not to mention the strength to then become vulnerable and tell the whole story to the world. Unfortunately you can't deny the fact that some stories touch you a bit deeper than the others. Sadly, this one was not as moving as it could have been.

Stash: My Life in Hiding describes the events from 2008 when author was flighting with her addiction to Ambien and alcohol while undergoing a high-profile divorce and falling in love with someone new. That's quite the mixture, right? Unfortunately, I couldn't connect with the story almost at all. Was it because it's hard for me to relate to someone that is so wealthy that flies privet jet to the rehab facility and then progresses to just throw money at her problem till it disappears? Was it because there was only a little bit of reflection even though the described events took place more than 10 years ago? Or maybe it was because author was really pushing the narration that she is not like other bored housewifes and seemed to treat people around her with the air of superiority? Probably a combination of all three. To be fair, author possesses a great ease in writing so going through this book was easy and painless. It just didn't struck the right emotional notes for me.

Still a solid book.

[Holly Whitaker · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book when it was just a few chapters of Laura’s very first draft; I was mad when I ran out because the writing was so good and I had to know what happened next. So she wrote more, and she sent me more, and I re-read the pages I already had and the same thing happened; I needed more of her writing and the rest of the story. I’ve now read this book through five times, and as someone who doesn’t normally read a book twice, it’s remained the same for me: it’s edible, it’s a page turner, the writing is gorgeous, you can’t stop.

This is a book about addiction, divorce, lying, hiding, recovering, all the hits. And that makes it interesting and heartbreaking and fascinating. But that’s not what makes it good. What makes it good is that Laura’s story is batshi* crazy, and she tells that story vividly, with precision and a level of detail that makes me jealous for my own craft. What makes it good is that she gives good story, and you cannot put it down.

Stash is wonderful like Jennette McCurdy’s I’m Glad My Mom Died is; it’s told in the voice of a reliable narrator who embodies the version of themselves they were when they were experiencing the events; there’s no wise self coming in to clean it up; it’s just what happened, and you feel like you’re there with her experiencing some foreign world through her eyes.

[Tara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Laura being a wife of a prominent Hollywood Producer. She enjoyed the finer things in life, but that didn’t make her immune to addiction. I enjoyed her candor throughout the book and was sympathetic to her struggles and cheered her on as she sought treatment.. A well written memoir that grab hold and didn’t let go until I finished it. This is a book that resonates with me as I am fighting my own demons with addiction and recovery

A special thanks to Atria for the ARC of Stash:My Life in Hiding by Laura Cathcart Robbins Netgalley in exchange for my non-biased review

[Lena · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love a good addiction memoir. This one was full of lots of drama, with a hidden stash of Ambien, clandestine alcohol deliveries, an ongoing divorce and custody issues, and a secret rehab boyfriend. The author wrote with transparency and perspective about her addiction and her (sometimes halfhearted) efforts to get clean in the midst of a high-profile divorce. I admire the author's writing talent, despite not having graduated from high school.

While other addiction memoirs often detail rock bottoms that include doing unspeakable things for drug money, living on the streets, or alienating close friends and family, this one was vastly different. The author was married to a powerful Hollywood director and producer and by her own accounts lived in the lap of luxury. While I understand that wealthy people still struggle with addiction, it was a little difficult to identify with her when she described taking a private jet to rehab, having her housekeeper accept her drug deliveries, or worrying that her divorce would force her to move out of her 11,000 square foot home. The number of times the luxury brand names of her clothes, shoes, cars, and purses were mentioned was a little overboard. The whole book had a very "Real Housewives" vibe, and while I definitely don't want to minimize the pain she experienced, it was hard to empathize with her.

Thank you to NetGalley and Atria books for the opportunity to read and review this ARC.

[Maidie Ryan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I typically love reading addition/recovery memoirs, but I found this one lacking. The author is a good writer, so I finished it. But I never really understood how or why she got addicted in the first place. While I’m sure the author struggled, I had no emotional connection to her. I wasn’t rooting for her (or against her for that matter). Her soon-to-be ex-husband and new love interest were both one dimensional. Everyone and everything seems to be a backdrop for the author, without real meaning.

[Melissa · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm always hesitant to give a memoir a harsh rating. That being said, I cringed through most of this book and really struggled with the tone-deaf way in which she relayed her story of addiction. I don't think she had an ounce of self-reflection and I believe she feels like she painted herself in a good light throughout the book. However, she definitely came across as a shallow, entitled and self-absorbed person who is wholly unable to understand who she is as a person and why she has made self-destructive choices through her life before and during recovery. The writing was ok but I would not go out of my way to recommend this memoir when there are so many other great memoirs to read instead.

[Cari · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thanks to Edelweiss, I was able to get an early copy of this affecting memoir. As the wife of a prominent Hollywood producer, Laura Cathcart Robbins enjoyed many comforts in life. Before marrying, she was highly successful in the PR world and IIRC, she had her own company. But being a producer's wife was a full-time job, especially after having her two children. As in Melissa Bond's BLOOD ORANGE NIGHT, Cathcart Robbins got hooked on Ambien after discovering how it helped her sleep. Ambien is highly addictive, and she soon found herself spiraling, doctor shopping, and hiding drugs. And she went to get help. With a comparable (although not exactly the same) situation going on in my own life, I appreciated the perspective from the author's rehab journey. It was the right book at the right time, and I'm grateful for that. I also loved her voice and story. She has a podcast, The Only One in the Room, that I'm looking forward to checking out.

[Rebecca Nagrodski · Rating 1 out of 5]

As much as I admire Laura for getting clean, the problem with this book is that it never goes beyond the surface. We never learn much about Laura, and for that reason, it's hard to care about her accomplishments.

[Stacy40pages · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stash: My Life in Hiding by Laura Cathcart Robbins. Thanks to @atriapublishing and @netgalley for the gifted Arc ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I enjoyed this memoir as a mother. It was really about coming to terms as yourself and motherhood. The addiction was very accurately portrayed, especially the time in rehabilitation. I felt and emphasized with Laura. Having been in similar situations as her, I recognized all of the emotions and inner turmoil. This addiction memoir is unique, in that she has an extremely privileged life. Although sometimes certain comments (why would she stash clean urine in a $2000 Gucci Hobo bag?!) came off a bit cringy, it’s very important to recognize that addiction happens to anyone - and it looks no different. The race aspect of Laura’s experience was also important because it is an additional level of inner shame that she shouldn’t have. That’s a reason why I pulled this particular quote.

“All the more reason why they can never find out that I, the Goldilocks of Black moms, as a drug addict. If I were ever exposed, I would take every other mom down with me in ruin.”

Stash comes out 3/7.

[kbreads · Rating 3 out of 5]

"The fucked-up truth is that being loaded is the only way I can continue to show up for my family. Loaded equals numb. And numb makes me bulletproof."

Robbins is a very talented writer, no question. I really enjoyed the honest portrayal of her MH and pill addiction. I struggled with her time in rehab which I found drawn out and could’ve been shorter. She also had a very privileged road to sobriety including taking a private jet to a 40k treatment center that I felt could’ve been acknowledged more directly. Not denying her pain, addiction in any form is awful and hard. Lastly, I really didn’t enjoy the rehab romance and felt it could’ve been left out.

Regardless, kudos to anyone who writes a memoir - pick this up if any of the topics resonate with you. Thank you to NetGalley and Atria books for the opportunity to read and review this ARC.

[Pastels Passions · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a really good way to end February and a really good nonfiction read.

I received an ecopy of this through Netgalley; however, all opinions are my own.

[Caroline Traylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

Vulnerable and well-written. This was unlike any addiction memoir I’ve ever read because of the author’s extreme wealth and privilege (she took a private jet to rehab and is constantly describing the brands she wears) but the overarching themes of addiction were present here (risking it all and blowing your life up for your drug of choice, deceit, making yourself sick with secrets). I wish the author would’ve spent a little more time writing about her come up - she tells us she was a high-school dropout working service industry jobs then after one chance meeting owns her own PR firm?? I am impressed but have so many questions. I loved that she was fearless in writing about recovery taboos and how she broke all the 12-step rules - a rehab romance, who she eventually partnered with, in the midst of a high stakes divorce, with less than a year of sobriety! It felt like The Real Housewives of Recovery. Overall, this was a really beautiful memoir by a woman who has done the work and has so much growth to show for it.

[Houston Grant · Rating 5 out of 5]

I very much enjoyed getting this ARC copy. I also very much enjoyed this book. It's just it just pulls you in and makes you a part of the story. From addiction to pills, alcohol, getting treatment, a messy divorce. Laura overcomes it all as a mother who does it for her boys. I could barely put this book down as I wanted to know what was happening next.

[Gayle · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m sympathetic to anyone who has gone through rehab but the writer is so unlikeable to me. She doesn’t demonstrate any sense of deep growth even though it’s been over a decade since her addiction issues. Hard pass.

[Basic B's Guide · Rating 4 out of 5]

Review to come

[Katy O. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was absolutely riveted by this addiction / sobriety / motherhood / divorce memoir. The audio is excellent!

Source: Scribd audio

[Katy · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5
I always have a hard time rating memoirs. Laura is a great writer but I had a hard time connecting to her story. She seemed to always want to be different from the rich people, different from the poor people. A lot of her narrative was her thinking she was better than the "real" drug addicts, like she didn't belong with such people. But then she was completely fine falling in love with someone she met in rehab with 4 DUIs.

She's fighting for custody of her kids yet seems to make every bad decision possible in the lead up to mediation. But always has an excuse.

[Ursula · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found this memoir to be a disappointing read. Overall, it suffered from a lack of introspection and I found the perspective to be quite shallow.

I selected the book upon the recommendation of Holly Whitaker, who is a prominent figure in the "Quit Lit" genre. However, I wouldn't describe Stash as falling in that category. Instead, if it had to be given a genre, it would be "Addiction Memoir." For me, those books are compelling when the author presents an honest accounting of their life and brings their readers on the uneven journey of their addiction and recovery. They also **critically** are written from a future vantage point that allows the author to offer insights. Stash was lacking in most of these insights.

Even in the writing of the memoir, the author seemed unaware of unhealthy behaviors and a biased, toxic perspective. The book includes some off-putting elitist viewpoints. Her descriptions of lower-income black people, such as in the chapter Bar Rescue, are unpleasant, as are her multiple references to the "ghetto." She still has a far way to go.

3/4 of the way through the memoir a romantic relationship is introduced, and the writing devolves into something insipid and self involved. All in all the memoir feels dashed off. I'm not sure what readers are supposed to get from it.

[Julieta Holman · Rating 2 out of 5]

Hollywood Recovery Memoir.

Laura Cathcart Robbins (LCR) was married and had two sons with the head of Paramount Pictures Brian Robbins. “Stash” tells the story of LCR’s “bottom”, when her life came tumbling down in the midst of a serious addiction to benzodiazepines and booze. She zooms in on the 10-month period during which she decides to divorce and goes to rehab. To prevent spoilers, I’ll stop there…
I read it in a day, so perhaps that would indicate I might give it another star? Points for honesty, accuracy of description and luring in the reader. But there wasn’t enough ‘wise narrator’ interwoven into the narrative for my taste, despite over a decade between the events narrated and the book’s publication. Forgive me for being a snob: but i want a little more reflection. The events themselves are interesting, but I read memoir to find out what meaning the author makes of their suffering.

[Elizabeth Day · Rating 4 out of 5]

Many thanks to the publisher/author for the advanced copy via NetGalley.
This book got me curious to learn more about Laura, her life, and her work. She’s written some good and interesting stuff. This book was so real and so perfectly and well described the reality of life with addiction. There was so much pain and love in this book that was beautifully expressed. For that reason, it’s a tough read—but an amazing one.
(R rating)

[Whitney | girlmama_and_books · Rating 5 out of 5]

First and foremost, addiction is a disease. This memoir is following Laura through said disease. From the surface, she appears to be a high functioning PTA Mom, is put together, happily married and thriving. This is just the outside perspective, and one that she works tirelessly at… inside she’s scared, anxious, lying and stealing to help her function and stay afloat. This was tough, vulnerable, captivating and ultimately hopeful story that I couldn’t put down.

After a few solid reviews from @op and @drhem and I knew I had to read this one, and won a copy from @ so thank you!!

As someone who has struggled with anxiety and insomnia most of her life, and who now works as a therapist predominantly with youth struggling with addiction this was a powerful, relevant, anxiety provoking and a guttingly raw read. A useful reminder too that addiction doesn’t discriminate and that every gender, race and socioeconomic status is affected. Lastly, as it needs repeating, and then I’ll step off my soapbox is that addiction is a disease and a family disease at that. This I could see being triggering for some in early sobriety, or as an affected other so please be mindful.

I did a mix between physical and audio and loved both. It’s always a treat to have the author narrating.

[Chantae · Rating 3 out of 5]

Listened to this on audio, it was interesting to hear about her struggles, I do think she needed to take more blame for her actions though. And communicate with her husband, I know we don’t know the full story but she assumed a lot about him without ever speaking.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you to the author for the ARC I won in a Goodreads giveaway!! This book reminded me how much I love reading memoirs. Laura Cathcart Robbins is hilarious and heartbreaking and completely vulnerable in her story about addiction, divorce, and living a lie.

She writes it through the inner monologue she had while in the place of pain and addiction, which I imagine took a lot of strength to revisit. As a reader, you root for her recovery and her kids and to PLEASE just tell the truth to someone!! She shows us how deep the addiction-brain-logic went for her until you want to scream at her to please admit she needs help. She doesn’t use rose-colored glasses to look back at who she was, and you’re able to get a sense of what it was really like to be around her while she was using, and to be honest, I would have found her to be super unlikable! And somehow that makes me like her more as an author and a woman in recovery.

[Mick · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was confused by this book - I picked it up because most addiction memoirs are written by white folks, and this author says she’s going to address the differences that she experienced as a Black person. But she didn’t talk much about that at all, except for a few details like that everyone else is white in a few places. (She didn’t really get deep into how that felt or if there were a lot of microaggressions or what.) The really remarkable differences that she talked about more than that were how her immense wealth impacted things, though it didn’t come off in a way of recognizing her privilege in that area so much as just that she was able to throw money at problems and name dropping specific dollar amounts spent on things. I’m sure her experience WAS impacted by racism, microaggressions, etc and I would have liked to see more about that in the book. Hopefully the addiction memoir genre will get more perspectives in the future.

[Marsha Herman · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. A well-written memoir but I’m ashamed to say I found myself lacking sympathy and compassion for the author as she struggled through her addiction. I feel like she wanted us to see her husband as manipulative, insensitive and the cause of her problems when he turned out to be a real gem and the most likable character in the book. I hope she continues to get the support she needs and deserves.

[kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best (if not THE best) addiction memoirs of modern time. Cathcart can WRITE and knows how to tell a story. I was sucked in to her world of Ambien addiction and loved following along on her road to recovery. I really hope to see more from her in the future.

[Captain Absurd · Rating 3 out of 5]

OMG, I'm so miserable, I need a rehab for filthy rich people.

🙈

First world problems disgust me as a reader. However I guess there is a useful reminder here: drugs ruin all kinds of lives equally.

[CatReader · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another addiction memoir about which I have mixed feelings. Cathcart Robbins is relatable in her early life, overcoming substantial challenges and becoming successful in her own right before marrying a rich and famous Hollywood producer (a Google search easily reveals his name, the surname of which this author still uses herself -- interestingly most of executive producer roles have been on Disney and Nickelodeon TV shows of the '00s and '10s -- a genre which features many child stars who've grown into very troubled, addicted adults, which is certainly ironic given the subject of this book). After her marriage, Cathcart Robbins, who is Black, feels compelled to fit into a Stepford wife mold, and simultaneously feels like she'll never fit in because of her race and her troubled past (much of which she kept concealed from her husband). The tipping point occurs after the birth of her two sons, when a doctor innocuously prescribes her benzodiazepenes to help her sleep, and she spirals into years of benzo and alcohol abuse, her marriage disintegrates, and she is at risk of losing custody of her kids in a very drawn-out divorce. Thankfully, she manages to claw her way back to sobriety, though like many recovering addicts still has clouded judgment and lack of insight (as exemplified by her infatuation with another addict she meets in inpatient rehab, who is apparently and improbably still her partner 15 years later?!).

This was a quick, somewhat salacious (not in terms of her addiction, but about her celebrity lifestyle) read (not dissimilar to Primates of Park Avenue: Adventures Inside the Secret Sisterhood of Manhattan Moms about NYC Upper East Side socialites), with limited insight and reflection as she now writes about the events of the late '00s in the early '20s. It's definitely a courageous narrative choice to portray her former addict self as unlikeable and self-centered as she was. I do applaud her for portraying her ex-husband well for the sake of her kids, though part of me wondered how much of his glowing portrayal is due to the fact that he remains a powerful, influential man in Hollywood.

Cathcart Robbins says at the beginning of the book that she's been searching for stories about addiction from people like her (affluent women of color), and her lack of finding such stories prompted her to write her own.

Further reading -- addiction memoirs
Reborn on the Run: My Journey from Addiction to Ultramarathons by Catra Corbett (4/5 stars)
Corrections in Ink: A Memoir by Keri Blankinger (4/5 stars)
Girl Walks Out of a Bar: A Memoir by Lisa Smith (3/5 stars)
How to Murder Your Life by Cat Marnell (3/5 stars)
Between Breaths: A Memoir of Panic and Addiction by Elizabeth Vargas (3/5 stars)
Open Book by Jessica Simpson (3/5 stars)
Drinking Games by Sarah Levy (3/5 stars)
My Fair Junkie: A Memoir of Getting Dirty and Staying Clean by Amy Dresner (2/5 stars)
Blood Orange Night: My Journey to the Edge of Madness by Melissa Bond (2/5 stars)

Further reading -- books about addiction and recovery
How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence by Michael Pollan (4/5 stars)
Never Enough: The Neuroscience and Experience of Addiction by Judith Grisel (4/5 stars)
Sober Curious: The Blissful Sleep, Greater Focus, Limitless Presence, and Deep Connection Awaiting Us All on the Other Side of Alcohol by Ruby Warrington (3/5 stars)
The Recovering: Intoxication and Its Aftermath by Leslie Jamison (3/5 stars)
Drink: The Intimate Relationship between Women and Alcohol by Ann Dowsett Johnston (2/5 stars)

[Ruthie]

As an avid reader of addiction memoirs, I was expecting the author to have been addicted to benzodiazepines, or maybe adderall. In fact, she was popping ambiens ALL DAY! I have never heard of anyone enjoying Ambien to this extent. I’m truly confused because towards the beginning she says her eyelids fluttered from benzo dependence but she doesn’t describe abusing benzos. Her ex husband, who features prominently and favorably in this book, is the current CEO of Disney and Paramount. Her experiences and emotions are so real but some of the details she gives defy explanation except maybe her powerful ex, father of her kids, doesn’t want certain information out there.

[Bryanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is RAW, in a way I feel like Matthew Perry’s memoir about similar struggles was honestly missing at times.

The author tells the entire book in present tense, not hindsight. This gives the reader a very unfiltered perspective of the mindset of addiction, sobriety, and weirdly divorce. I credit the author of doing very little to paint herself in a positive light and giving a very honest depiction of a very dark time in her life. That being said this made the book very difficult and uncomfortable to read at times.

The present tense makes you want to reach your hands in and go, “NO! Why would you do that?!?!” and change the outcome.