You Are Not Alone

by Cariad Lloyd

Inspired by her award-winning podcast, Griefcast, You Are Not Alone is Cariad Lloyd's frank, funny and compassionate exploration of grief.

'This book doesn't offer you an exit, just suggestions on how to navigate grief. To help you as you learn grief's brutal but beautiful lesson; that grief will change and grow and diminish and reappear, it will be with you forever, you will learn to build a life around it, to carry it. It will be ok, you will be ok. Somehow, you will be. You are not alone.'

Cariad was just fifteen years old when her father died. At the time, death was still a taboo, and grief even more so. No one was talking about what it really felt like, the tears, the laughter, the pain - the truth of grief.

Years later, she found she needed a place where she could finally be honest about this strange human emotion, so she created the Griefcast podcast, starting a conversation about one of the most significant moments of all our lives: the end.

You Are Not Alone is a road map for all of us: for anybody who has ever felt lost in grief, who wants to help someone in theirs, or who just wants to understand life a little better.

Genres: Nonfiction, Grief, Self Help, Mental Health, Psychology, Death, Audiobook

256 pages, Hardcover

First published January 19, 2023

Reviews

[Seb Fielding · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been listening to the Griefcast podcast from day one and have been excited about the release of this book ever since it was announced. I was certain that I wouldn't be disappointed and I certainly wasn't. There is something so refreshing and true in a book that has so clearly been written with the true purpose of helping others. Nothing is brought up out of turn for egoistic flattery or to create moments of gravitas. Every pain and experience expressed here is done so for the purpose of helping the reader to understand and empathise with the pain of others or if they are living with grief, to recognise their own behaviours and experience.

Based on my description above you may conclude that this is a self-help book about grief and it is in all the ways that this is a positive description. But it is a story and a journey, not a sermon. Having listened to the podcast for years I am aware of the bones of Cariad's grief journey and have been able to take wisdoms from it already. But the completeness of the story here without feeling disproportionally personal and the room it is given to breathe in this format is particularly effective and means that non-listeners to the podcast can very much start by picking up this book as a way to better understand their own or others' grief.

I love how this book is so firmly in the real world in terms of scenarios you will encounter when living with grief. But Cariad also manages to be so human in tender moments that I found it verging on spiritual. If you give this book your time it can give you invaluable insights into living with grief and understanding the importance of not facing your pain alone. But you have to be ready to listen and due to the nature of how tough and taboo these topics are, I am sure that a lot of people are not yet ready to read this book. I hope that one day they will be.

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

(2.5) Lloyd goes back and forth between fragments of her story (her father died of pancreatic cancer when she was 15), general information about grief through history and now, and advice from her own experience and from those she's met through her podcast. For someone like me who's been obsessively reading about death for 10+ years, there was little that was new. She rails against the misunderstood Five Steps and the idea that there is a right or wrong way to grieve. To some that may be revelatory. She has a very informal style that I'm sure is true to the conversational format of a podcast, but I think you're only likely to turn to this book if a) you already appreciate the author as a personality, and b) you are totally new to thinking or reading about death. I read about the first 85 pages and then skimmed to the halfway point before returning this to the library.

A favourite passage: "So, take these memories with you: take what you need and keep living. By allowing yourself to keep a fragment of them present - whether that's in letters squirrelled away or in voicemails forever saved - you are allowing yourself to live and to grieve at the same time."

[Caitlyn Lindsay · Rating 5 out of 5]

A brilliant book for fellow griefsters as well as non-griefsters wanting to know more about the grief mess.

[Cherryonion · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband bought this for me thinking it might help me with my own "grief-mess", having lost my Dad to cancer last year. It was a very kind and thoughtful gift. I didn't know what to expect, I thought it would be funnier, given that the author is a comedian, but it isn't really. Instead I found myself instantly moved and in tears from the start. I felt SEEN, the way she describes grief is exactly how I've been feeling. She makes it clear from the start there is no 'fixing' grief. You will carry it with you forever and while that's sad and hard to swallow, it's also a relief, to know that it's normal to still feel so raw and that's ok. You lost someone who meant something to you and that will never be ok, but you will survive it and adapt and learn to live with it. I won't lie, I found this book really difficult to read. I cried every single night I picked it up. In fact I found other books to read on the nights I couldn't face the feelings. You might be OK or you might feel the same as I did. Be prepared, but it's worth reading for the comfort of knowing "you are not alone" and you will be OK. DDC forever.

[Elena Amore · Rating 5 out of 5]

I finished this book in a single sitting. I cried-laughed my way through it, and when I turned the final page I suddenly found the strength, for the first time since my father died (six months ago), to go through pictures and videos I took while he was at the hospital. I cried for hours, cried for his pain, cried for mine, cried myself to sleep. But now, in the morning, I feel better than I’ve felt in a while.

There are a lot of books out there written about grief, promising to help you get over it. What made me pick up this one was that it starts from the premise that you don’t ever get over grief; it’s a mess you will forever carry with you. You don’t ever feel better about someone you love dying, because every day is a new day that they’re still dead. It’s earth shattering and soul splitting, it cannonball-blasts a that-person-shaped hole in your existence. And it really fucking sucks, it’s just really horribly shitty. And that’s where this book comes in. It will simply, complicatedly, sit with you and agree with you that losing your father to cancer is terrible. And that’s that. And you know what? That shit helps.

[Peggy · Rating 5 out of 5]

There's an endorsement on the cover of my book that says 'The friend you need when you're grieving' and that's exactly how this felt. It was a very comforting book with lots of true and wonderful insights. I also liked the combination of Cariad's own story and excerpts from her Griefcast series. And there's humor in it, which is also one of my ways of coping with bad stuff, so I really appreciated that too. Thanks for writing this Cariad. It's a shame there's no Dutch edition because I can think of some people I would gift it too.

[Robin Gustafson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first heard about this book while listening to The Waterstones Podcast https://youtu.be/fd0o7CRoA9Y episode that aired on January 31, 2023. I ended up sending for all three of the books discussed: this one, Michael Rosen's Getting Better: Life lessons on going under, getting over it, and getting through it, and Chloe Hooper's Bedtime Story. Having recently experienced the death of my spouse I was looking for any books that might "help" me or at least comfort me and keep me company. Cariad's book hit home with me on many levels. I loved her sense of humor and her reminders that it's OK to grieve in a messy unstructured way. There is no manual, there is no right and wrong, even though we're often told how we should grieve and for how long. Grief never goes away. It changes, but it doesn't go away. As she states early in the book, "You haven't failed the grief exam, you shouldn't be "over it". You are allowed to FEEL, because someone DIED." And I'll add that she discusses all types of grief. Her own grief began when her father died. She was a teenager when faced with this huge loss in her life. I've never listened to her podcast, Griefcast, which she also discusses in the book. Thank you Cariad Lloyd.

[Georgie Fay · Rating 3 out of 5]

It feels good to be in a club, a community, a shared space, even when that club is about dead friends or family. This book includes all the *griefsters and their multifaceted responses to grief through time. *term coined by one of Cariad Lloyd’s interviewees from her podcast; griefcast!

I found it helpful and confronting, thought provoking and reassuring and it really is nice to feel like you are not alone! Not ground breaking literature but I thought some of the tips about confronting your own death and discussing it openly with family and friends was really useful. Thanks Cariad!

[Hannah Hamilton · Rating 5 out of 5]

It took me a long time to get through this book (unsurprising given the subject matter) - it’s definitely one to pick up, read what you can, put down and walk away for a while to digest. However as a longtime Griefcast listener, the book encapsulates so many of the most important things that I have taken away from the podcast over the years. It genuinely feels like something that everyone should read - it didn’t just help me with my own grief outlook, but also helped me to realise that I still don’t really know how to deal with other people’s grief.

Aside from the occasional flippant humour, which I felt detracted from the serious passages and wasn’t that helpful, every single page was of value to me. Definitely a book that I will be coming back to and re-reading multiple times.

Don’t often write long reviews but this feels like an important one to comment on!!

[Nays · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve been so excited for this book. I’m not a big podcast person but Griefcast really helped me in my time of need. I’ve been really excited to read Cariad’s thoughts on grief since this book was announced.

I loved this book. This book is a compassionate, kind and caring perspective on grief. It provides a source of solidarity, and never judges anyone or claims to know “the right way to grieve”. It’s definitely not a self-help book in the sense that it doesn’t tell you what you should do, but in presenting lots of voices of griefsters and a very personal perspective on grief, makes this book the equivalent of tea and cake and a chat and hug from a good friend. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders after reading this. Grievers often carry the idea that there’s a right and wrong way to grieve with us, and book presented a really refreshing and sympathetic take that has helped me to let go of some of my guilt surrounding my grieving process too.

A personal note: Cariad visited my secondary school and helped me as a shy introverted kid to develop my interest in drama and performing. To read this book and understand what she was going through at the time she inspired me gives me so much respect and admiration for her. Thank you for helping people in so many ways Cariad! Obviously this isn’t for everyone, but I’d really encourage you to read this book if you feel like you’re interested or if you need a helping hand. Especially recommended for people who want to understand grief better- or for people who want to support others through it.

[Izzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

'We can allow our stories to change. We can carry our grief differently... Grief, like time, does not bend to our will or one day leave us... It's something we learn to live with, not in stages or years, but at our own pace.'

This was the warm hug and hand hold I needed. So many great pearls, but the main take away - that it never goes away but it does get easier - was a real balm to my soul.

[Debbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

So glad to read this. Lots of personal resonance, connecting with Cariad's teenage self helped me connect with mine, and from this position offer her more compassion today. Beautifully done, honest and gentle.

[Danny Reid · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed this! It was incredibly illuminating about how we believe we “ought” to grieve and how the whole concept a) got ingrained into our psyche as a society in the first place and b) why it needs completely rethinking!

Compassionate, informative, comforting but hard-hitting, especially the chapter where you’re encouraged to consider your own death and what you can do to make it easier for loved ones, and to give you a sense of control over the inevitable. This book is sensitively written without dodging the big issues.

I particularly enjoyed the explanation of the five stages of grief and how they’re not what we’ve been lead to believe, and also the concept that we use certain measures to (unfairly) gauge how much grief we think people are “allowed”.

Partly information, partly anecdotal, this book is the perfect mix.

[Vicki Duncan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was lucky enough to see Cariad launch her new book last week, a book that’s become more poignant to me after losing my dog and my dad within the past year or so.

I started listening to the podcast @thegriefcast long before I was ‘in the club’ and I truly believe the podcast made things easier when it was finally my time to join.

Cariad has revolutionised the way we speak about grief and this book is a great resource of the information Cariad has picked up along the way.

It’s part memoir too and these bits are especially poignant to read.

Thank you Cariad for creating a safe space to discuss the crazy, heartbreaking, complicated world that is grief ❤️

I would highly recommend this book and the pod!

[Milly Jenkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Alllll the feelings reading this book. Big fan of Cariads podcast - especially the Romesh Ranganathan episode ! Anyway this is another book I’m recommending everyone to read , if you’ve ever experienced grief, are about to or have a friend that has !

Ok so this review is going to be a long one (I wrote so many notes lol sorry !)

As both a member of the dead dad club (twice in one year 🤭) and teenage grief club I’ve never felt seen as much as I did reading this book - from grief rage to guilt to feeling like you’re untouchable to feeling like there’s no way out of this uncontrollable sadness. This book also highlights how society shapes the way we grieve and how we feel the need to place a mental time limit on how long we should grieve as if there’s a definitive to end to difficult situations which obviously is not true - my dad and step dad are both still dead I can still be sad. Grief isn’t linear, it’s ok to feel every emotion or not to. It’s ok to be angry and protect yourself from sadness, it’s ok to also just want to feel normalcy and go for a pint with your pals and laugh (you can still be sad and have a beer !), it’s ok to randomly cry when you hear a song in a shop or see their name on the friggin Amazon account.

I feel like I have always tried to convince myself that it didn’t matter I was 15 it would be equally shit whatever age and made excuses that oh it was a long time ago it’s fine (it’s not hen) but this book made me realise that it does matter. She explains by losing her dad at 15 she felt she was left mid conversation. As much as I love when family friends will share memories of my dad / step dad I’m consumed with the fact I’ll never fully know him like that or he’ll never know me as an adult. It’s also ok to only begin to process your grief years later - you didn’t have the tools to do so at age 15 !

This book also made me incredibly grateful for my wee mum and sister, my grandparents, my family, my friends, everyone I knew before and after loss. A quote from someone interviewed “they knew we needed to be held up and they held us up.” Grateful for everyone who has held me up the last 7 years.

Anyway guys, read it !

[Lucy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this honest and humorous look at dealing with grief.

Interesting points:


-5 steps made for dying to process death, not the grieving
-Grief is not linear and will go back and forth
-you’re never ‘over it’ , you just learn to live with it
-people being there for you is the most valuable thing regardless of goofy comments (better to say slightly wrong thing that not even try).
-‘how are you TODAY?’ Vs how are you - too big a question to possibly be able to answer
-you will not be destroyed by grief but shaped by it
-fried egg theory- draw a circle, thus is you, colour it in, this is your grief, then life will carry on around it and there will be more than just your grief
-when you think you can’t cope, accept you can’t (take pressure off) and then suddenly you can
-Grief will come in waves. Accept it, don’t fight it, just give in to it
-grief affects chemical imbalance in brain the same as depression which causes you to feel very alone in what you’re going through
-Victorian attitudes to grief have festered in society with expectations of how long it’s acceptable to grieve for and how you should present yourself etc
-analogue grief vs digital Grief
-often people find it uncomfortable discussing death and would rather avoid it because it reminds them of their mortality.
-far better that we all accept death is an inevitable outcome for us all and talk about it openly, such as our wishes for a will and funeral in advance

[Mar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such a fantastic, heartfelt and helpful read on grief. I started it the day my dad died and I've just finished it a couple of months later (I dipped in and out as it can be quite heavy going at such an intense time of grief). I was glad to be able to read something that normalised grief so much and that was also about the loss of a dad, though our experiences differ in important ways. I'd have liked to see more on complicated grief and I felt the book was aimed slightly more at younger/coming of age griefsters (which makes sense as that was the author's experience) however I found this useful information for potentially supporting younger griefsters in the future. I'll be giving the podcast a go! It was so generous of Cariad to share so much of herself in this book and I know I'll be coming back to the resources pages.

[Kathryn · Rating 5 out of 5]

58 notes and highlights, according to my Kindle app. This book spoke to me. Cariad Lloyd is also a member of the Dead Dad's Club, the Teenage Grief Club, and is the creator of the podcast Griefcast, which I have listened to and enjoyed in the past (although not recently). There's a bit to process from this book, I'll no doubt read it again. And also buy multiple copies for friends.

[Beachcomber · Rating 3 out of 5]

A conversational style book that initially covers a lot about Cariad’s losing her Dad when she was 15, before moving on to more general discussion. As a result I found the second half more useful to me. I did photograph sections to refer back to (I had a paper copy of the book, so couldn’t screenshot like I do on Kindle). I definitely agree that there is no right way to grieve, and there is definitely no time at which you are “done”.

I lost a good friend after my Dad died, because she simply ghosted me - and even after I pushed myself to explain how much that hurt, she then did the same thing a second time. I don’t know why she acted as she did, but I hope that books like this help encourage people and society to a) talk and think about death and grief more, and b) think more about how we support each other.

[Lesebiene · Rating 4 out of 5]

4-4,5

Das war ein wirklich tolles Buch. Ich bin in einem Club und wusste gar nichts davon. Es tut gut, sich verstanden zu fühlen und erklärt zu bekommen, dass man ganz normal handelt, dass die eigene Trauer, so wie sie ist, vollkommen okay ist. Und das wichtigste: You are not alone!

[Susanna Winter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Found this to be an honest and helpful read. Highly recommended.

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Honest, warm and kind.

[Eleanor Montgomery · Rating 4 out of 5]

(Cheerful lol) but good

[Kim Hayes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well done Cariad- an amazing book and one I wish had been available for me earlier as I would have got so much out of it. Everyone should read it as everyone will encounter grief at some point.

[Katie Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed the book, you can use that word. It reminded me of my different times of grief....Still going 33 years on

[Mabel Dalrymple · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly real - makes the messiness of grief a little less messy and confusing. Articulates thoughts in a way I never could, particularly relating to the Dead Dad Club (DDC). Thank you Cariad!

[Lawren · Rating 4 out of 5]

HIGHLY recommended Chapter 6 for anyone and everyone!

[Alice · Rating 5 out of 5]

I suggest that everybody reads this book.
Read it before you need it❤️‍🩹

[Chris Thompson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honestly, one of the kindest and most worthwhile reads of my life. It's brutally honest where you need it to be. And I couldn't recommend it enough for anyone who has lost someone.

[Jane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written and welcoming. I’ve been in the club for over a decade now with the loss of a friend shortly followed by the loss of my Dad and then my Mum four years later. This is the book I wish I’d had access to then. Better now than never and I foresee gifting this to friends when it’s needed