Get the Girl: How to Be the Kind of Man the Kind of Woman You Want to Marry Would Want to Marry

by Douglas Wilson

Douglas Wilson writes to a young man on how he should pursue a woman. Feminism has catechized us in many lies about what makes the sexes attracted to each other, and evangelical pastors have often only reinforced those lies with platitudes about servant-leadership (heavy on the servant, light on the leadership). When they find out that being a doormat doesn’t attract anyone, young men often rebound to the secular manosphere. Douglas Wilson offers his own commonsense advice, sharp-edged and thoroughly biblical, not just on how to be the kind of man who attracts the right woman, but how to be the kind of man that keeps her.

Genres: Christian, Family, Marriage, Theology, Christianity, Cultural, Christian Living

152 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 30, 2022

About the author

I write in order to make the little voices in my head go away. Thus far it hasn't worked.

Reviews

[Caleb M. Powers · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book I should've read in 2014—the next five years of my life would've been quite different, and much more God-honoring.

[Peter Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

A master class in understanding the creational differences between men and women and how that impacts romantic relationships and by extension marriage.

[Ben Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

1/29/24 read it again, helpful all over again.

Another one of the most impactful books for me this year. It is difficult to express, but discovering Wilson and co.'s work the past couple of months here has proven to be providential to the power of ten for me and where I am at these days. Perhaps not an across the board endorsement, but for me I will stand by what God is doing in my own heart as a result of reading these men.

In this book, Wilson is straightforward and unapologetic in his presentation of Biblical masculinity. The title serves to sum up the theme and purpose. He presents his convictions with clarity alongside very helpful illustrations and practical case studies. I will be revisiting this one regularly, as there is always more to learn, and Wilson's format of each chapter as a letter written to the hypothetical "Dawson" is pleasing to read.

[Kofi Opoku · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should want an uncle like Doug. He made me cringe a few times, but that’s what makes the book so good.

[Kara Naselli · Rating 5 out of 5]

"We've all been chased out of useful lives because no one wants to be used."

This is definitely written for guys, but I found it really helpful to see this issue from the other perspective. This is worth every young man's time, and young ladys can profit from it too.

[Sue Lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rounding up a 3.5 rating to a 4. Keeping in my pocket many of his nuggets of wisdom but not my favorite book on the topic. I appreciate his stance on men not giving into feminism and not being a doormat. But it seems in our circles that single men looking for a spouse need wisdom not just on how to say “no”, but also on knowing how to continue a conversation after the “no”. After all, men are called to live with their wives in an understanding way. We are seeing potential relationships cut short because the “no” is the end and not the beginning of what could be good lessons on conflict resolution.

[Spencer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent. Lots of good principles in here to apply even after you're married. Hope to get a hard copy for my son to save for when he approaches marriageable age.

[Josh Cosa · Rating 4 out of 5]

The 4-rating has less to do with substance and more to do with Wilson’s use of unnecessary provocative statements. I’m not suggesting that being provocative is necessarily bad - sometimes it’s good and I’m very used to and comfortable with Wilson’s provocative style. More often than not, his choice of being provocative is advantageous. Nor was it excessive in this book (at least not in my opinion) but there were few moments where I was like - “yeah, I think there was a better way to say that.”

With that being said, I will be recommending this book to an 18-yr old and a 28-yr old, both of whom are single young men. And this recommendation is based on their maturity level, as I think this book is for a mature audience (single or married). And I can also see it beneficial for ladies as well.

One example of an unnecessary provocative approach: the title of the last chapter:
Chapter 14 “Don’t make your wife a lesbian.”

[Emma Whear · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyable. Listened to this while I did stained glass. Not cuckoo for the "letter" format.
Especially loved the chapters about types of communication to limit while you are dating and what women want vs. what they say they want.

[Isaac · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's nothing ground breaking if you've been in Moscow land for any length of time, but it's a quick read and it's always good to remind yourself of some of the basics. But of course some of these "basics" are why everyone and their mother continues to loathe Doug Wilson in a very "REEEEEE" kind of way. And if it can have that effect I guess it's almost mandatory reading, especially when it's free for NQN.

[Keith Semple · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I believe that this book presents the correct Biblical model for marriage, I feel that it lacks the humility and kindness that Christ would want husbands to strive for. Where's the part about "loving your wife as yourself" and about being co-heirs?

[Skylar Waechter · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting thoughts

[Daniel Bouchoc · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just read this for the second time and I’ll probably read it many more times. Phenomenal.

[Austin · Rating 5 out of 5]

(5/5 stars) Concise wisdom explained as a series of letters from a loving uncle to his nephew, Dawson. This book, or collection of letters for that matter, often reminded me of Lewis's Screwtape Letters. I will be reading this book again very soon. I particularly enjoyed Chapter 9 The Value of Gender Stereotypes, Chapter 11 The Zone of Vulnerability , and Chapter 1 Life in Girl World.

[Blase · Rating 5 out of 5]

A few decades ago, this book would be given a one-star rating. Not for poor writing or insufficient material, but because it would be boring. But in the age of untruth we now find ourselves, this book is delightfully scandalous.

This is a book of simple, practical truths - truths that are now muddled, buried, rejected, and scorned. It is precisely because Wilson speaks these truths plainly (yet in pithy prose) that warrants five stars.

Get the Girl is a short book - 125 pages, including Foreword. Sitting in the warm sun and enjoying a perfect breeze, I read this work in about three hours. Each chapter represents a letter to Wilson's nephew "Dawson" - a fictional nephew but nonetheless needing relationship advice. I enjoyed a few of these letters as read by Wilson on his Blog & Mablog YouTube channel. It is pleasing to see them now printed and published.

In these letters Wilson addresses: that sexual differences between men and women are created by God, obeying God's commands and trusting His providence, resisting the degradation of this created order by the current culture and ever-retreating evangelical church, the importance of leading your wife by standing up to and for her, navigating adversarial moments, the proper "use" of the man and woman, how to communicate, the value of gender stereotypes, leading with confidence, avoiding lies for the sake of peace, studying the opposite sex, testosterone, and submitting to the authority of God and His Scripture.

The short chapters and flavorful writing make this an easy read. Every sentence is purposeful and leaves the reader with something to ruminate upon. I would love to set out some of my favorite spicier sentences here, but again, Wilson pulls no punches in proclaiming now-controversial wisdom. So I will leave the future reader with the pleasure of discovering these morsels himself.

Wilson fires salvos against feminism, egalitarianism, and even complementarianism: "In many marginal cases, a complementarian is an egalitarian who is still stuck with some Bible verses that have not yet been digested and are still important to the donor base somehow." (pg. 38).

Wilson envisions a Bible-infomed, biology-acknowledging, God-obeying relationship in which the man and the woman fill their roles. The fulfillment of these roles is neither arduous nor degrading, but beautiful and harmonious.

My favorite chapters are "The Value of Gender Stereotypes" and "Lack of Communication is Key". Perhaps this returns to my opening point regarding this work: the plain truths communicated within the book are now considered affronts to some ethereal cultural kindness. Wilson does not self-censor. How refreshing.

From the chapter on communication: "Better to have a full man talk about small things in the world around him than to have a vacuous man unload absolutely everything he has, and arrange it pleadingly on the table in front of her." (pg. 59).

Who should read this book?

I advise any man, married and unmarried, to pick this up. If you observe the world around you, watch the news, or doomscroll social media and instinctively feel that something is lacking - this book is for you. You are not crazy, you are not a bigot, you are not uncultured - you are normal.

If you are reading this review, I'm guessing you already value the Bible, desire deeper and more meaningful relationships, and pursue a fuller, richer life.

Take up this book, read its wisdom and practical truths, apply it daily, and get the girl.

[Logan Thune · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid.

[Miles Smith · Rating 2 out of 5]

As always with Wilson this book was really hit and miss. Some of the practical advice seems really solid, but his descriptions and social commentary leave a lot to be desired. I realize in someways he is changing brands; he’s not as interested in talking to the educated evangelical class that he was a decade or so ago, and NSA and Christ Church’s brand is more red meat folk Calvinism than ever. An occasional piece of good advice, but left a lot to be desired.

[Kyle Grindberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful.

[Jackson Davis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hey it’s working

[Joshua · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good read and something I'm sure I would have benefitted from 15+ years ago. The letters format is insightful and provides a context for sharing several anecdotes that don't seem out of place. In addition, it is just packed with wisdom young men in our age need to hear.

[Samuel Sadler · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoy Doug Wilson's wit and clarity. This book is written as a series of letters to a nephew, similar to The Screwtape Letters, except that here, the advice is theologically sound. The epistolary format brings out Wilson's paternal and pastoral side more than I have seen in other works of his which I have read. He addresses various problems which young men and women face when it comes to thinking about and pursuing marriage, particularly the effects of egalitarianism and feminism. His frank and honest assessments of men and women help to pull back various deceptions which are rooted deeper than we realize.

[Fëalórin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've never read a book on dating advice before, and this was a unique choice for a first. On the upside, it was quite entertaining and well-reasoned.

This instructional tome on dating is epistolarily packaged in the winsome and provocative writing style of Douglas Wilson. Some of the unique tidbits of wisdom he gives include embracing the patriarchy, not being communicative, gender stereotyping, and not apologizing, with a chapter at the very end to summarize. For more context, read the book.

[Matias Garnes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal! Saturated by common sense and godly wisdom, Wilson provides a guide through the process of becoming “the kind of man, the kind of women you would want to marry, would want to marry”. Doing so, he clears away many of the egalitarian lies we’ve been indoctrinated by, and providing, in its stead, sound, biblical thinking about the sexes and the relationship between them.

Highly recomended!

[Luke Randolph · Rating 5 out of 5]

Second time through, also read in spring 2023, listened in an afternoon. Very good. Wilson definitely says a couple things that make you flinch at first, but if you get to the root of what he’s saying (reading this one definitely requires a sober mind), you realize he’s 100% right. I love this style of writing. Extremely practical, have recommended to many friends. Even chapter 8 alone is worth the read. Thanks, uncle Doug (read the book). Listened to audiobook on Canon +.

[Camilo A Rojas Lopez · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is book is MORE than gold!!! Read it now

“There’s no men at church to marry with” “Awww, I love you too, but as good brother in Christ” If a lady has hit you with these words, she’s is low key saying you are not marriage material for her. And if she’s your crush? Bro, that’s horrible. So you need to read this book because it will give you reasons why this happens.

You will find great advices here to apply with the girl you like, or you have relationship (dating, marriage). Wilson explains who’s man at his core according to God’s design. Some of the things he mentioned, I’ve already applied them before. And the results? The magnetism I wanted to generate has happened. And most important: Becoming more and more the type of man God has designed.

Thanks, uncle Douglas. One the best books I’ve ever read!!!

[Noah R Hill · Rating 4 out of 5]

7.5/10. Mixed feelings make this one’s tough. I feel like I could come back with and rate this anywhere 1-5 depending on my mood.

While Wilson rightly gets flak for some of his positions and coarse defenses of such, I found most of this material easy to understand, funny, and very helpful. The tone is affectionately pastoral/familial and most of his remarks seem to line up with Scripture, albeit with a few head scratchers. My only question would be if Bible-believing women think the same.

There is still a lot of food for thought. Nearly all of his arguments are very compelling as long as you’re not a marriage emotivist. To Wilson’s credit, like I told a friend, “you may not agree with everything he says, but you better have a good reason not too.”

This book gives me a lot to pray and reason through.

[Samuel Ratliff · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fantastic book for any man—whether single, engaged, or married. It’s filled with truth and practical wisdom that anyone can benefit from. However, I’m giving it four stars instead of five due to its counterpart, "Get the Guy: How to Be the Kind of Woman the Kind of Guy You Want to Marry Would Want to Marry" (I know I'm being a little picky).

When the last chapter of that book was brought to my attention, I knew I'd have to give it a thorough evaluation, and I read it with great frustration. Luckily it led me to this masterpiece, which I read fully expecting to be equally enraged. I am happy to be proven wrong.


All that being said, this book itself is excellent—just be sure to evaluate its counterpart carefully before embracing both as a package deal.

[Tom Findysz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hmm... I'm not so sure what I think about this book. I'm no egalitarian, but I think Wilson may go too far on some things. It's tough to explain. There are some pieces of gold in here, but I also feel like he shoots himself in the foot often, for he will sometimes be impreccatory or crude when he doesn't need to be. It's like, I agree with a vast amount of what you're saying, but you shouldn't say things like this, you know?

I'm not so sure that I would recommend for many people to read this book. I felt confident that I could take the good bits and throw away the not so good bits; that doesn't mean young men or confused men will be able to do that. Overall, I am a bit disappointed at the rhetorical style but liked parts of the content and sentiment.

[Ashley Finfrock · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was short and incredibly good, going over various topics succinctly and enjoyably. Some of them were so on point I had to listen to them over and over. The epistle format was unique. Overall, it was great, and there were some fantastic takeaways that I've actually never heard before, like maybe sometimes guys feel used for their bodies (when they do the heavy or dangerous work for women, because it tends to fall on their sex to do those things when they come up). That was definitely a mind-blower there.

[Josh G. · Rating 3 out of 5]

There’s some good sanctified common sense in this book and I appreciate Wilson’s straight-shooting style. He rightly observes how feminism (and egalitarianism) has infected most of our assumptions about the sexes and how they relate to each other. In that regard, this book is a helpful antidote and the chapters on evolution, gender difference, and stereotypes are needed correctives.

There are a handful of examples and observations that seem to over-correct and end up in the opposite ditch. For example: I winced and shook my head when I heard his advice about communication, choosing a place to eat, and how to reinforce strong male leadership through being more stoic than vulnerable (my words, not his).

These criticisms don’t discredit the whole book. There are some real nuggets here, but they have to be carefully mined out.