The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy: Your Guide to Open Relationships, Polyamory and Letting Go

by Lola Phoenix, Kathy G. Slaughter (Foreword)

Embarking on a non-monogamous relationship can be a daunting experience, opening old wounds that cause anxiety, fear and confusion, something Lola Phoenix knows about all too well.

In this all-you-need-to-know guide to exploring non-monogamy, polyamory and open relationships, Lola draws upon their years of experience in giving advice and being non-monogamous to provide guidance for every stage of your journey, helping you to prioritise your mental health and well being along the way.

Beginning with advice on starting out - such as finding your anchor, figuring out your personal reasons for pursuing non-monogamy, challenging your fears and practicing self-compassion - the book proceeds to cover the emotional aspects of non-monogamous relationships, including dealing with jealously and judgement, managing anxiety and maintaining independence, as well as practical elements such as scheduling your time, negotiating boundaries and managing your expectations, all accompanied with activities for further exploration.

Whether you are new to non-monogamy, or have been non-monogamous for years, this insightful and empowering book will provide you with the emotional tools you will need to live a happy non-monogamous life.

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships, Polyamory, Self Help, Sexuality, Queer, LGBT

206 pages, Kindle Edition

First published July 21, 2022

Reviews

[Charlie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm an anxious person who has had the Non-Monogamy feelings. My partner is an anxious person who has not. I don't know how it will turn out, but this is the first book that made me think i could actually have a conversation about it.

[Jesse · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book, especially the parts that detailed the unique challenges of being disabled and non-monogamous.

[Corinne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rounding up to four stars. This was an interesting read that I think you could get value from whether you are interested in non-monogamy or not. A lot of what the author covers is about self actualization and healthy relationships in general. What I took away from this book overall were three big themes. 1. That in any relationship (including non-romantic), being thoughtful and mindful about how you spend and share your time is very important. 2. That feelings are going to feel and you can't just self-talk yourself out of them. 3. Again, in any relationship, understanding your needs and learning how and when to ask for them is very important. There are some very practical sections and worksheets in the book - again, helpful for many different types of circumstances. There were some parts that didn't work for me: while I really appreciated the personal examples the author provided, I often found they did not resonate with me. Also the book felt quite repetitive at times. I appreciate the author's consistency with those key principles but I did find myself skimming those times when it felt repetitive to me.

Overall I would say this book is worth reading for a different insight into relationships in general and if you want to learn more about non-monogamy.

I received a digital Advanced Review Copy from NetGalley and Jessica Kingsley Publishers in exchange for an honest review.

[Emily Dillistone · Rating 2 out of 5]

Phoenix’s writing feels like a transcribed podcast composed of therapy notes and their own journaling; the book is therefore very self-referential.

Phoenix provides a number of helpful paragraphs that attempt to pick apart how trauma and anxiety affect adult relationships. Phoenix also touches on some elements of intersectionality, although only on a surface level. I wish Phoenix had drawn on other writers’ extensive work on love and attachment (Audre Lorde, bell hooks, even Bowlby?).

Content-wise, the book is mostly reassuring. Style-wise, the sentences meander, change subject, and misuse punctuation. You have to re-read and re-read to understand what is being said. Phoenix could have done with a better editor, half their word count, and about 500 more full stops.

Here is an example: “Although you're non-monogamous when you decide that that is the style of relationship that you want to have, when you actually put these concepts into practice, you're beginning to call your own bluff.“ (p129). I still don’t understand what this sentence is trying to say.

Useful sections exist, but the writing lacked the depth and rigour of scientific argument. Phoenix is attempting to reassure anxious people prone to self-doubt; however, I find the best anti-self-gaslighting tool is indisputably well-researched evidence and data. Phoenix’s writing is little more than vague memoir.

I realise I have grown used to self-help books that are packed with studies, statistics, and useful analogies. I enjoy writers who reference a plethora of experts and other writers (Shon Faye, Angela Chen, Rafia Zakaria, Katherine Angel).

Phoenix’s ideas are good, but their style lacks humour and rhetoric. Their style is certainly better suited to podcasting.

[Katie Mercer · Rating 4 out of 5]

i sped through this book. definitely loved the idea that we’re all human and messy and even if you feel like you’re not “doing it right” there’s no RIGHT way to do anything….especially when it comes to navigating complex relationships!!! also LOVED the little prompted questions, will be using these for journal entries. just wished they had integrated some testimonials from other CNM ppl with different backgrounds and experiences

[Nadin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I appreciate the specific perspective (queer, enby, ace, neurodivergent, disabled) and the critique of common polyamorous rules or expectations, like compersion. For me, it was still a bit disappointing. This focuses again mainly on opening up primary relationships, I’m still missing books on solo poly or similar point of views - but there are some useful exercises and insights.

[Ana Damodred · Rating 4 out of 5]

Un libro que te hace reflexionar sobre las relaciones, tanto monógamas, abiertas como poliamorosas, sin poner ninguna opción como superior a la otra. Trata temas de interés para cualquier tipo de relación (comunicación, gestión de expectativas, inseguridades, celos, etc.), con un enfoque realista al no catalogar las emociones negativas como fracasos ni esperar una conducta imperturbable.

Sin embargo, a mí se me queda corto. Siento que algunos temas carecen de la profundidad y el rigor científico que me gustaría encontrar, aunque creo que en general aporta una perspectiva beneficiosa. Es importante entenderlo como lo que es: un ensayo que recopila los aprendizajes y lecciones de Lola Phoenix, con el propósito de invitar a la reflexión individual y en pareja, y no tanto ofrecer pautas prácticas basadas en evidencia científica.

Pese a que personalmente no me aportó nada nuevo, ha estado bien como una forma de autochequeo y creo que puede resultar útil para ayudar a algunas personas a reflexionar sobre sus propias relaciones y las cosas que damos por hecho como sociedad.

[Majkind · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book a very helpful read as it is written from the perspective of a disabled, neurodivergent, asexual person which really sets the book apart from other guides on polyamory that I’ve read. The author addresses challenges that can occur throughout non-monogamy that can be especially difficult for people with anxiety.
I think there are two things that I mainly took from this book as they were a bit different from what I read before. 1. Feeling jealousy doesn’t mean you have low self-esteem. A lot of guides seem to encourage you to think that jealousy is a personal problem that you have to deal with alone. But jealousy is a normal and natural feeling, that shouldn’t be villainized. And you don’t have to go through feelings of discomfort alone. 2. Stop pressuring yourself because you think you have to prove to others or to yourself that you are “good at doing poly”. There is no right way to do poly and the idea of your ideal poly setup is different for everyone. As every relationship, polyamory is difficult and there will be feelings of discomfort and it’s okay.

I also really liked the questions and checklists at the end of each chapter. I haven’t worked through all of them yet but they seemed very helpful to me.
So I would definitely encourage you to add this book to your polyamory reading list.

[Katie Upthagrove · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ver good book about every kind of relationship from friendships to community to romantic relationships. Not my favorite book, didn’t really focus a whole ton on the anxiety part… but still a worthwhile read.

[Totos · Rating 4 out of 5]

Written by a person that has done enough work on themselves to dish out quality, compassionate and very practical advice. A well edited book too. Honest and relatable writing. The activities seemed useful but I skimmed them as I was reading out of an intellectual curiosity. My partner and I enjoyed discussing various passages in light of our own monogamous relationship and that was interesting to say the least…

[Noemi · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this book, Lola Phoenix gives an introduction to non-monogamous relationships. She gives tips on how to start a polyamorous relationship, and how to check if it works for you. I really appreciated the questions that the readers have to answer to work through some issues that they might experience, both on their own and with their partners. It gave an insight about what goes on in a non-monogamous relationship and how to recognise what works for you and what doesn't. What I really liked though was the last chapter where Lola explained some of the assumptions that both monogamous and polyamorous communities might believe or give out to who is just entering the non-monogamous community. She breaks them down and explains why they are wrong and makes the readers really think on how to approach these assumptions and the issues that might arise from them.

I received an ARC through NetGalley, but I'm leaving a voluntary and honest review.

[Laura Aziz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read a few books about Polyam and ENM and this one is easily my favourite of them all. I find that it’s honest about various feelings and challenges one might experience but also full of thoughtful journal prompts and ideas to help you work through your own feelings and manage your own anxiety. It’s got the practical day to day advice that the Ethical Slut lacks. It’s non judgemental when it comes to Mono culture and validates the range of feelings one might experience if they are moving from Mono to Polyam.

[Adam · Rating 1 out of 5]

Unfortunately I found this a really uncomfortable read as I felt the author struggled to offer objective advice and support that wasn’t compromised by their own negative experiences.

[Chinen Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

non-monogamy (notes)

knowledge is power or some questionable adage like that

NF slay!

it's easy to disagree with a lot of the proposals in favour of non-monog but the exercise here is to give language and context to currently untethered thoughts and intuitions and so i'm categorically Not about to rip any way of life to shreds i pinky promise!

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thus far this has been more so balanced an exploration between anxiety and non-monogamy, rather than non-monogamy through an anxious lens (idk if this means anything really, except it's much more widely applicable than one might assume)

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a surprisingly (? that feels derogatory) really interesting and engaging read even as someone not (currently? is that a clarification i must make) polyamorously inclined. insightful especially as to abuse, isolation, rehabilitation, jealousy etc. more than relevant beyond the scope of polyamory.

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at this point i've done a whole podcast series on this topic (in lieu of agonising over the perfect written words to express my hottakes) so this will be an inaccurate précis of that at most. but tldr i really am onboard with all the principles of non-monogamy and i do agree with a lot of the shortcomings this book identifies with monogamy. but all the same i don't believe that the communication and scheduling and issues with jealousy and control etc that come with non-monogamy aren't things you don't have to navigate in monogamous relationships equally. i also don't agree that monogamy should be abandoned on account of its generalised shortcomings - eg the critique of monogamy as promoting unhealthy codependency (with non-monogamy being the salve on this, promoting independence and autonomy), i don't believe that independence is necessarily the healthier of the two and i really don't agree that a monogamous romantic relationship comes at the cost of other fulfilling friendships and relationships in your life (red flag if so) as this book levels at monogamy.

ANYWHO long story short this book i think limits itself by appealing to audiences interested in non-monogamy, because i feel that it traverses so many concepts that are highly relevant to interpersonal relationships and anxiety in general.

(the above is not exactly what i want to say on the matter but gotta see the forest from the trees or whatever the saying is)

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cowboying cowgirling cowpoking!

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(done)

tldr it's a book about anxiety and having multiple relationships in our lives (like all of us do) and doing your best by those relationships, whether they be a mix of romantic, familial and/or friendship relationships

4 stars ish, a bit messy and conclusion jumping in sections

[Clover Lu · Rating 4 out of 5]

I LOVE love love that this book is written by a queer, disabled, anxious, neurodivergent, asexual person. I think that really sets this book apart from others written about polyamory (and I've read so many of them). I was able to finally relate to an author who didn't make me feel like I'm simply unable to do nonmonogamy (NM) because of my big reactions, emotions, and general issues with mental stability. side note: The book Polysecure also did a good job of not villainizing people who have a more difficult time with NM. This book not only helped me feel validated and seen, but gave me advice on how to approach these feelings in a nurturing, transformative way. My partner and I read this weekly then held "book club" to discuss it, which felt extra useful. He does not identify as much with the author and I do and was still able to gain just as much knowledge from it. It was also super helpful for him to better understand some of the things I've been explaining about my experience of NM.

The only cons about this book for me personally are:
- there's quite a bit of repetition of the same ideas. They will come up in different places throughout the book.
- sometimes I had difficulty following why we were talking about a certain topics and the organization of the book. It was a bit all over the place with where topics were placed. There were times where it confused me.
- I would've liked a little more step by step processes for their suggestions, with a bit less fluff.

Overall though, this book was fantastic!

[Lindsay]

The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy

Pretty good! I learned a lot of the terms and phrases and titles and tags in the polyamorous world. I don’t personally like tags and all the efforts to make life/relationships more easily understood, but the book had cool ideas about healthy relationships in general whether or not you choose to have multiple romantic/s3xual relationships. I also feel the book helps get rid of some of that guilt one may feel about not practicing polyamory. The language and explanations can be a bit “chronically online” at times, but the main points are there.


Quotes:

“Therefore, agreeing to polyamory to keep the relationship you have - which is monogamous — alive and as it currently exists is like agreeing to a long-distance relationship to keep an in-person relationship going in an in-person way. It will not work if you believe your relationship will not fundamentally change.”

“Polyamory is not about finding
multiple unfulfilling relationships until you reach a level of permissible stasis. I think that a lot of people use polyamory to avoid a breakup so they can keep a relationship that is not serving them and get their essential needs met elsewhere.”

“Relationships aren't skills themselves and having a lot of them doesn't mean
you learned something from each experience.”

“If you are experiencing a huge amount of neglect from your partner after they asked you to try polyamory, then it's worth considering whether it's them that's not cut out for having multiple partners rather than yourself.”

“Monogamy itself is purely the practice of maintaining one specified romantic relationship at a time. Just as polyamory doesn’t come with a degree in relationship dynamics or a commitment to honesty or integrity, monogamy doesn’t come with an agreement that possessive jealousy is a positive sign of love or a belief that you ought to be everything for one partner.”

[Lynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an important work in the polyamory self-help genre. And, despite what the title may suggest, it’s not just for people who might struggle with anxiety.

In this work, Lola Phoenix dispels some of the most common myths within the world of non-monogamy - covering topics like jealousy, compersion, comparison, metamours, agency, power imbalances, and handling other emotions that may come up.

Spoiler alert: feeling compersion is not required to “do polyamory well” and feeling jealous can be completely normal; just prepare for handling it well (and no, that’s not just adding some positive self-talk to your repertoire).

A good reference for anyone new and not so new to polyamory.

[Zach Strassburger · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book and recommended it to a friend before I had even finished it! It has useful information for any relationship, including with yourself. I read it as a library book but would consider buying it just to have continued access to the practical questions as the end of each chapter. Questions included where you see yourself in a month, in 3 months, what are your needs vs your anxieties, what would it look like if the thing about which you were anxious suddenly got resolved, and so many more.
The author is a non-binary person with a disability and felt so relatable. The tone of the book was approachable, like a conversation with a friend. I don’t know what I want in terms of monogamy v polyamory but this book made me feel better equipped to start figuring it out.

[Jessica]

Phoenix brings a fresh, helpful, and often overlooked perspective to non-monogamous relationship structures. This book dives into the anxiety or overthinking that can sometimes follow when you embark on NM, such as determining what is emotionally your end of the street to manage, vs something that requires your partner’s attention. It offered a lot of helpful tidbits I’m going to keep in my pocket.

[Alena Barczak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Their writing style included very long thoughts/sentences, but Phoenix is neurodivergent, so I don't want to be too harsh about that! The content was fantastic and encompasses so well CNM experiences from the lens of someone with chronic anxiety, which I haven't found in other readings.

Highly recommend for anyone in CNM with anxiety or with partners who have anxiety!

[Vincent · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was stellar! I’m not non-monogamous but felt like I learned a lot about non-monogamy! I will say that I feel like people who are in non-monogamous relationships, identify as polyamorous, or are a therapist working with non-monogamous relationships would get more out of this than I did.

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

eigentlich ziemli läss, wells neui perspektive inebringt (behinderig/demisexualität/monogamie-verteidigung). aber es isch ziemli repetitiv, es würkt irgendwie chli als hett mes z wenig überarbeitet?

[Eline · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although they state it in the book, this is more a collection of advice and less of a "guide", as most of the book is based on personal experience. I did not agree with everything in this book. Nontheless, I found this very comforting, insightful and easy to read.

[Styx · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didnt finish this bc I failed at nonmonogamy miserably however this helped me see myself in a new light, I highly recommend!

[Jessie Carvalho · Rating 5 out of 5]

I needed this. It really helped me to understand myself and my thoughts better. I will continue to reference it as needed. I highly recommend this!

[Kae · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I read this sooner because it is one of the most well-rounded books on polyamory that I have read. Good stuff and I highly recommend it even if you aren’t practicing or in a relationship

[David Emery · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cis-het non-disabled white guy here. Recognizing that not 100% of this book spoke to my particular situation, I nevertheless appreciated Phoenix's viewpoint and learned a lot. Their writing is direct and concise, and as someone new to many of the ideas it communicates, I felt well introduced.

[Kayleigh · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the better I’ve read. Rich perspectives on deconstructing learned narratives and preferences and relating with new intention, applicable to both monogamy and non!

[Theo · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy offers much needed insight into the practice of non-monogamous relationships through a variety of lenses that are not often considered in most books on the topic.

As a polyamorous person myself, I found this read to be very helpful for myself, and thought it was important that it took into consideration aspects of my identity that are often left out of discussions of polyamory. As the title suggests, one of the big themes that this book hits on is how mental health can impact the types of difficulties one might or might not face in their non-monogamous journey. On top of mental health, this book also brings up perspectives on race, disability, class, sexuality, and gender identity. It was refreshing to see a book about non-monogamy bring up the different ways identity can impact people's lives and the ways they move about relationships!

I specifically appreciated the fact that asexuality was brought up as often as it was, as most of the time, people on the asexual/aromantic spectrum are left out of discussions on non-monogamy (or if not let out, then generalized). This is probably the first book on non-monogamy that satisfied me in that aspect.

Apart from offering great insight, this book also does a good job of addressing non-monogamy vs monogamy in a way that is affirming no matter what relationship style the reader might practice. Many books on non-monogamy fall into the trap of claiming that anyone who chooses not to practice it is somehow failing because of it, but this one assures the reader that ultimately, the choice is up to them, and that they won't be wrong if they do choose to be monogamous.

This guide also contains multiple workbook sections that ask the reader to address different type of scenarios or struggles they might face, and I found the questions asked to be very helpful in unpacking why you might be feeling a certain way, or what you might plan to do in a specific situation.

Overall, this book was lovely in every sense and I'm glad that it's being put into the world! I would recommend it to anyone interested in exploring non-monogamy, but I think it would also be massively helpful to monogamous folks as well!

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for an eARC of this title in exchange for an honest review!

[Lona · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not only a good guide for "anxious people", I'd recommend reding this to everyone, especially people new to polyamory and excited about it - it might help avoid several pitfalls to walk in.

When I was new to the polyamory community I assumed everyone was good as communicating for example, because people always said how important it is, just to find out that many people in the community are extremely avoidant. I also assumed people would use communication tools like Nonviolent Communication in good faith and then found out that it was often just used as battering tool to avoid any communication about uncomfortable topics.

The book is thematizing these issues in communities as well as several other issues I have come upon and therefore grew extremely catious about actively joining and connecting with another community. It could all have been prevented if I wasn't so naive about it and if I wouldn't have put the polyamory community on some kind of pedestal where I thought: "Finally a progressive community that puts a priority on communicating!" - no, it's just humans with issues like in every other space where humans come together. There can be avoidant and manipulative people in the polyam community like in every other space, online and offline. I genuinely wish I have had read this book before joining, it could have spared me a lot of pain because I would have known what assumptions to avoid.

The book also thematizes several pitfalls to rules and of course how to deal with general stuff that might make you anxious about dating multiple people. I like how it's not trying to paint monogamy in another light but simply states that all ways you can have a relationship in can have pitfalls and cause anxiety.

It's a great book, big recommendation!