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Not Becoming My Mother: and Other Things She Taught Me Along the Way
Bestselling author Ruth Reichl examines her mother’s life, giving voice to the universal unarticulated truth that we are grateful not to be our mothers
In Not Becoming My Mother, bestselling author Ruth Reichl embarks on a clear-eyed, openhearted investigation of her mother’s life, piecing together the journey of a woman she comes to realize she never really knew. Looking to her mother’s letters and diaries, Reichl confronts the painful transition her mother made from a hopeful young woman to an increasingly unhappy older one and realizes the tremendous sacrifices she made to make sure her daughter’s life would not be as disappointing as her own.
Growing up in Cleveland, Miriam Brudno dreamed of becoming a doctor, like her father. But when she announced this, her parents said, “You’re no beauty, and it’s too bad you’re such an intellectual. But if you become a doctor, no man will ever marry you.” Instead, at twenty, Miriam opened a bookstore, a profession everyone agreed was suitably ladylike. She corresponded with authors all over the world, including philosophers such as Bertrand Russell, political figures such as Max Eastman, and novelists such as Christopher Marlowe. It was the happiest time of her life.
Nearly thirty when she finally married, she fulfilled expectations, settled down, left her bookstore behind, and started a family. But conformity came at a tremendous cost. With labor-saving devices to aid in household chores, there was simply not enough to do to fill the days. Miriam—and most of her friends—were smart, educated women who were often bored, miserable, and silently rebellious.
On what would have been Miriam’s one hundredth birthday Reichl opens up her mother’s diaries for the first time and encounters a whole new woman. This is a person she had never known. In this intimate study Reichl comes to understand the lessons of rebellion, independence, and self-acceptance that her mother—though unable to guide herself—succeeded in teaching her daughter.
In Not Becoming My Mother, bestselling author Ruth Reichl embarks on a clear-eyed, openhearted investigation of her mother’s life, piecing together the journey of a woman she comes to realize she never really knew. Looking to her mother’s letters and diaries, Reichl confronts the painful transition her mother made from a hopeful young woman to an increasingly unhappy older one and realizes the tremendous sacrifices she made to make sure her daughter’s life would not be as disappointing as her own.
Growing up in Cleveland, Miriam Brudno dreamed of becoming a doctor, like her father. But when she announced this, her parents said, “You’re no beauty, and it’s too bad you’re such an intellectual. But if you become a doctor, no man will ever marry you.” Instead, at twenty, Miriam opened a bookstore, a profession everyone agreed was suitably ladylike. She corresponded with authors all over the world, including philosophers such as Bertrand Russell, political figures such as Max Eastman, and novelists such as Christopher Marlowe. It was the happiest time of her life.
Nearly thirty when she finally married, she fulfilled expectations, settled down, left her bookstore behind, and started a family. But conformity came at a tremendous cost. With labor-saving devices to aid in household chores, there was simply not enough to do to fill the days. Miriam—and most of her friends—were smart, educated women who were often bored, miserable, and silently rebellious.
On what would have been Miriam’s one hundredth birthday Reichl opens up her mother’s diaries for the first time and encounters a whole new woman. This is a person she had never known. In this intimate study Reichl comes to understand the lessons of rebellion, independence, and self-acceptance that her mother—though unable to guide herself—succeeded in teaching her daughter.
128 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2009
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5396 people want to read
About the author
Ruth Reichl
80 books2,992 followersRuth Reichl is the New York Times bestselling author of five memoirs, the novels Delicious! and The Paris Novel, and the cookbook My Kitchen Year. She was editor in chief of Gourmet magazine, and previously served as restaurant critic for The New York Times, as well as food editor and restaurant critic for the Los Angeles Times. She has been honored with six James Beard Awards.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,076 reviews
June 2, 2015
Expecting a comedic Shit My Dad Says diversion? Keep moving. Not Becoming My Mother is not the book you're looking for.
Having read another of food critic Ruth Reichl's books, I rashly assumed this too would be light-hearted and humorous. It's not. In fact, it's a rather depressing look at the repression that became the keystone of her mother's life. Instead of quirky-funny stories about a mad-capped mom as might be expected by the first few pages, the reader is treated to sad tales of psychotherapy and antidepressant drug addiction.
While not a hoot of a read by any means, this is an insightful cautionary tale, the sort to give any feminist the willies. Ruth's mother grew up in a time when American women fought for suffrage rights, were not allowed into the male-dominated business world, tasted the ironic freedom of hard labor during WWII, and then had it taken away and replaced with the surprising drudgery of doing absolutely nothing. A life of idle boredom was the spoils of war for middle class women in America, and the long, slow death of Ruth's once creative and ambitious mother.
Through discovered letters, Ruth pieces together her mother's past, learning the hows and whys behind her mother's odd behavior. Not Becoming My Mother is at times touching and heartbreaking. It is also short and feels a tad perfunctory, like a feature story Reichl the journalist extended beyond the normal allotted newspaper article word count.
Having read another of food critic Ruth Reichl's books, I rashly assumed this too would be light-hearted and humorous. It's not. In fact, it's a rather depressing look at the repression that became the keystone of her mother's life. Instead of quirky-funny stories about a mad-capped mom as might be expected by the first few pages, the reader is treated to sad tales of psychotherapy and antidepressant drug addiction.
While not a hoot of a read by any means, this is an insightful cautionary tale, the sort to give any feminist the willies. Ruth's mother grew up in a time when American women fought for suffrage rights, were not allowed into the male-dominated business world, tasted the ironic freedom of hard labor during WWII, and then had it taken away and replaced with the surprising drudgery of doing absolutely nothing. A life of idle boredom was the spoils of war for middle class women in America, and the long, slow death of Ruth's once creative and ambitious mother.
Through discovered letters, Ruth pieces together her mother's past, learning the hows and whys behind her mother's odd behavior. Not Becoming My Mother is at times touching and heartbreaking. It is also short and feels a tad perfunctory, like a feature story Reichl the journalist extended beyond the normal allotted newspaper article word count.
June 17, 2011
Ruth Reichl only begins to understand the true story of her mother's life years after her death when she opens a box filled with her mother's "diaries" and letters that had been stored in a basement. While her first book, Tender at the Bone, contained some funny and not so funny stories about her mother, who apparently was manic-depressive, in this book, Reichl comes to understand the origins of much of her mother's anxiety and depression. Reichl points out the universal truth that children see their parents through the lens of their own experience. The mother we experience at four years old, 12 years old, 25 years old, etc. is a complete person with complex emotions and experiences that are not fully appreciated by their children. I think that this book struck a cord with me because my mother is almost 87 years old and I still don't think that I truly know her. Sometimes she still makes a comment or an observation, or remembers an experience from her life that is an "aha moment" for me and makes an understanding of some past behavior click into place. This book has caused me to reflect on the fact that my own children--with whom I speak everyday--probably think that they know me more than they do and has also caused me to look at my mother with new eyes.
August 11, 2015
5***** and a ❤
Reichl’s mother Miriam was an indifferent housekeeper and a terrible cook – guests at her dinner parties were known to wind up in the hospital having their stomachs pumped due to poisoning. She was an educated, intelligent woman in a society that expected women to marry and stay at home. So when she was nearing thirty Miriam submitted to expectations and settled for conformity. She hated it, and lived much of her life in a desperately unhappy state. Miriam poured her frustrations, dreams, hopes and disappointments into diaries, letters and jotted notes on the backs of grocery receipts, all of which she kept in a gift box, tied with twine and hidden away in a basement corner. She never wrote the story of her life, but Reichl has used those notes to write her mother’s story.
What a wonderful tribute to a mother’s love and lasting gift to her child. Miriam was unhappy in her life, but she tried to instill in her daughter the notion that she did not have to live her life in any way but the way she, herself, chose. She gave Ruthy the permission, and encouragement, to pursue her own dreams. To “NOT” become her mother.
Ruth Reichl narrates the audio book herself and she is magnificent. She conveys humor and compassion, frustration and pride, and above all a great love for her mother who helped make her what she is – and is NOT – today.
Reichl’s mother Miriam was an indifferent housekeeper and a terrible cook – guests at her dinner parties were known to wind up in the hospital having their stomachs pumped due to poisoning. She was an educated, intelligent woman in a society that expected women to marry and stay at home. So when she was nearing thirty Miriam submitted to expectations and settled for conformity. She hated it, and lived much of her life in a desperately unhappy state. Miriam poured her frustrations, dreams, hopes and disappointments into diaries, letters and jotted notes on the backs of grocery receipts, all of which she kept in a gift box, tied with twine and hidden away in a basement corner. She never wrote the story of her life, but Reichl has used those notes to write her mother’s story.
What a wonderful tribute to a mother’s love and lasting gift to her child. Miriam was unhappy in her life, but she tried to instill in her daughter the notion that she did not have to live her life in any way but the way she, herself, chose. She gave Ruthy the permission, and encouragement, to pursue her own dreams. To “NOT” become her mother.
Ruth Reichl narrates the audio book herself and she is magnificent. She conveys humor and compassion, frustration and pride, and above all a great love for her mother who helped make her what she is – and is NOT – today.
October 14, 2016
I was starting to think I would max out at two stars for this read, but by the time I got to the last page of the Afterword, I loved this book. However, the Afterword is KEY - Reichl originally published this without it. Throughout the chapters I felt the main messages of: Having a Career Outside the Home Is the Solution to the Struggles of Homemakers and Mothers in the Home; and Career Work Is What We Are Here to Do, were troubling - that somehow being a wife and mother is a soul-sapping proposition to any who enter therein, and that the spinsters Reichl's grandmother (and mother) first pitied became women they envied.
Speaking as a spinster myself, a lot of the perspective from all three generations with a voice in this book does fall into the "grass is always greener" mindset - I absolutely agree that mothers (and wives without children) need to be able to carve out time for their own refueling, however that might be achieved for them, but to stay single all one's life results in a larger helping of "me time" than most would actually desire, if we're being honest. Alternatively, to "have it all", fulfilling career to offset the doldrums of wife-and-motherhood, could in many cases burn out the very women who see it as the saving solution.
In the Afterword, Reichl addresses these issues in an excellent manner, describing the discussions at book readings from others with similar and varying perspectives, as well as feedback on how this book helped many to view their own mothers in a new, softer light - and that particular benefit sent this book to four-star territory.
At the end of the day, there are many perspectives on marriage, motherhood, singledom - womanhood (and manhood!), and no one can claim to have it all worked out. But this book definitely will make the reader think about them, and continue to evaluate their relationships...and hopefully recommit to improving those relationships.
Speaking as a spinster myself, a lot of the perspective from all three generations with a voice in this book does fall into the "grass is always greener" mindset - I absolutely agree that mothers (and wives without children) need to be able to carve out time for their own refueling, however that might be achieved for them, but to stay single all one's life results in a larger helping of "me time" than most would actually desire, if we're being honest. Alternatively, to "have it all", fulfilling career to offset the doldrums of wife-and-motherhood, could in many cases burn out the very women who see it as the saving solution.
In the Afterword, Reichl addresses these issues in an excellent manner, describing the discussions at book readings from others with similar and varying perspectives, as well as feedback on how this book helped many to view their own mothers in a new, softer light - and that particular benefit sent this book to four-star territory.
At the end of the day, there are many perspectives on marriage, motherhood, singledom - womanhood (and manhood!), and no one can claim to have it all worked out. But this book definitely will make the reader think about them, and continue to evaluate their relationships...and hopefully recommit to improving those relationships.
July 8, 2015
Reichl's view of her difficult mother Miriam shifted profoundly as she read through a box of her letters and notes well after her death. She found a woman frustrated by social conventions that denied her and her friends the opportunity to work, determined to bring up a daughter who would have a career, not be trapped in the type of marriage where she would be confined to the domestic work Miriam herself hated and was no good at.
Miriam (Mim) had wanted to be a doctor, was told by her father that as a homely and intelligent woman she would not attract a husband, which was her parents' principal expectation of her. She went to Paris, took a PhD in music, came back and set up a bookstore, but was still not a success in her parents' eyes as she was unmarried. Her first marriage when she was nearly thirty was not a success. Her new husband didn't think it proper for some to work and she had to give up the book shop. She became very unhappy, her husband left her. She carried sadness with her through most of the rest of her life, though her second husband, Ruth's father sounds a kind and loving man. Reichl suggests she was manic depressive (bipolar is the current term). In the last years of her life, though, when all her responsibilities for family had gone, Miriam took off into a new and vibrant life, astonishing her children.
Reichl says she has frequently told 'Mim tales' as extended jokes. The few she gives here are funny but they are also appalling - the ghastly mix of ingredients based around moldy chocolate pudding she concocted as a snack for Brownies; her insistence on catering for 200 for her son's engagement party, food prepared well in advance but no available refrigeration and despite Ruth and her brother's efforts to stop guests eating the worst affected food a number of them ended up in hospital with food poisoning.
In the box of papers, Ruth found notes about this terrible event, which had been suggested to Miriam by her analyst as a way of dealing with her inabilities as a hostess and cook. You can only ask What was he thinking?
The book is funny and sad, tender and sharp and is the sort of memoir I would like to be able to write about my own mother, probably much the same age as Miriam Reichl, but born in a small country town in South Australia. She too was determined her daughters would have the opportunities she had been denied - giving us a good education drove her decision making for about twenty years. This meant that she did work - first of all in my father's business, but after we moved to our state capital, Adelaide, she broke the mould and took off into the world of art and design which she had always longed for. The marriage didn't survive and she stopped pretending to be interested in the two of her four children who didn't share her love of the arts. Fortunately I was ok,
My grandmothers were both intelligent women frustrated by confined roles and lack of independent financial decision making, which is one of the great benefits of working, of course.
In the hands of an actively feminist writer it could be a case study of the impediments against which the women's movements fought in the 1960s and 70s. The rights to education and work are established in our culture, but women still struggle to achieve a balance between paid work and maintaining family well being (husband/partner, children, parents, siblings). I am acutely aware of the boxes of my mother's papers in my cupboards, waiting for me to sort through. This has pushed me a step close to beginning.
Miriam (Mim) had wanted to be a doctor, was told by her father that as a homely and intelligent woman she would not attract a husband, which was her parents' principal expectation of her. She went to Paris, took a PhD in music, came back and set up a bookstore, but was still not a success in her parents' eyes as she was unmarried. Her first marriage when she was nearly thirty was not a success. Her new husband didn't think it proper for some to work and she had to give up the book shop. She became very unhappy, her husband left her. She carried sadness with her through most of the rest of her life, though her second husband, Ruth's father sounds a kind and loving man. Reichl suggests she was manic depressive (bipolar is the current term). In the last years of her life, though, when all her responsibilities for family had gone, Miriam took off into a new and vibrant life, astonishing her children.
Reichl says she has frequently told 'Mim tales' as extended jokes. The few she gives here are funny but they are also appalling - the ghastly mix of ingredients based around moldy chocolate pudding she concocted as a snack for Brownies; her insistence on catering for 200 for her son's engagement party, food prepared well in advance but no available refrigeration and despite Ruth and her brother's efforts to stop guests eating the worst affected food a number of them ended up in hospital with food poisoning.
In the box of papers, Ruth found notes about this terrible event, which had been suggested to Miriam by her analyst as a way of dealing with her inabilities as a hostess and cook. You can only ask What was he thinking?
The book is funny and sad, tender and sharp and is the sort of memoir I would like to be able to write about my own mother, probably much the same age as Miriam Reichl, but born in a small country town in South Australia. She too was determined her daughters would have the opportunities she had been denied - giving us a good education drove her decision making for about twenty years. This meant that she did work - first of all in my father's business, but after we moved to our state capital, Adelaide, she broke the mould and took off into the world of art and design which she had always longed for. The marriage didn't survive and she stopped pretending to be interested in the two of her four children who didn't share her love of the arts. Fortunately I was ok,
My grandmothers were both intelligent women frustrated by confined roles and lack of independent financial decision making, which is one of the great benefits of working, of course.
In the hands of an actively feminist writer it could be a case study of the impediments against which the women's movements fought in the 1960s and 70s. The rights to education and work are established in our culture, but women still struggle to achieve a balance between paid work and maintaining family well being (husband/partner, children, parents, siblings). I am acutely aware of the boxes of my mother's papers in my cupboards, waiting for me to sort through. This has pushed me a step close to beginning.
August 31, 2009
I never met a book by Ruth Reichl I haven’t loved, and my adoration continued with this book. Where others were hearty meals, Not Becoming My Mother was a deceptively simple snack. (I’m certain that Ms. Reichl, editor of Gourmet Magazine, would find a more elegant food analogy, but I, alas, am but a quick and dirty cook, though one who loves reading the work of educated ones—like Ruth Reichl)
In her previous books, the author consistently folded her cooking and restaurant reviewing skills into personal memoir—making a mixture with the consistency of magic. Her work has always been fascinating, down-to-earth, and erudite—and always offered the reader fascinating glimpses into the world of food and Ms. Reichl’s own intriguing life, which often included portraits of her sad, unusual, and, to the author, exasperating, mother.
This 110-page gem boils it all down to the author’s mother true story. It is not an apology for what she’s previously written. Or, perhaps, it is.
Any daughter whose lived her life under the thumb of her mother’s quirks and enraging mothering mistakes will fly through this book, reading of Reichl’s brave attempts to find out the truth of her mother’s life. She writes of living her life on “Mim tales”—a trait with which my sister and I can over-identify, having dined, perhaps too long, on a pathetic treasure trove of Mom stories.
But as I read the author’s unearthing of her mother’s truth (her now-realization of her mother’s eccentricities as representing being crammed into the tiniest of housewifery boxes and the narrowest of work roles) I found it hard to catch my breath, amazed at the author’s courage in uncovering her own perhaps lack of generosity towards her mother, and deeply admiring her ability to now find the heroic in her mother.
Because I was with her every step.
Like Ruth Reichl, I too berate myself for not managing to rise above the role of daughter to my mother, and become a woman and friend to her. However, perhaps when one grows up with a larger-than-life mother, that’s an impossible goal. Maybe only after death severed a relationship that held us so emotionally hostage that we spent our lives holding our breath, can we step back and offer perspective.
So, thank you Mom for being a role model of friendship, you who offered such a striking portrait of being a loyal companion to so many wonderful women.
Thank you Mom for showing such a flair for beauty.
Thank you for showing us the wonder and fun of work.
For laughing very hard. For always appreciating a good story. For your advice on men. And women.
Yes, you were often right. About many things. I can now consider you a hero, because you lived your life trying very hard. And I know that now.
We miss you.
In her previous books, the author consistently folded her cooking and restaurant reviewing skills into personal memoir—making a mixture with the consistency of magic. Her work has always been fascinating, down-to-earth, and erudite—and always offered the reader fascinating glimpses into the world of food and Ms. Reichl’s own intriguing life, which often included portraits of her sad, unusual, and, to the author, exasperating, mother.
This 110-page gem boils it all down to the author’s mother true story. It is not an apology for what she’s previously written. Or, perhaps, it is.
Any daughter whose lived her life under the thumb of her mother’s quirks and enraging mothering mistakes will fly through this book, reading of Reichl’s brave attempts to find out the truth of her mother’s life. She writes of living her life on “Mim tales”—a trait with which my sister and I can over-identify, having dined, perhaps too long, on a pathetic treasure trove of Mom stories.
But as I read the author’s unearthing of her mother’s truth (her now-realization of her mother’s eccentricities as representing being crammed into the tiniest of housewifery boxes and the narrowest of work roles) I found it hard to catch my breath, amazed at the author’s courage in uncovering her own perhaps lack of generosity towards her mother, and deeply admiring her ability to now find the heroic in her mother.
Because I was with her every step.
Like Ruth Reichl, I too berate myself for not managing to rise above the role of daughter to my mother, and become a woman and friend to her. However, perhaps when one grows up with a larger-than-life mother, that’s an impossible goal. Maybe only after death severed a relationship that held us so emotionally hostage that we spent our lives holding our breath, can we step back and offer perspective.
So, thank you Mom for being a role model of friendship, you who offered such a striking portrait of being a loyal companion to so many wonderful women.
Thank you Mom for showing such a flair for beauty.
Thank you for showing us the wonder and fun of work.
For laughing very hard. For always appreciating a good story. For your advice on men. And women.
Yes, you were often right. About many things. I can now consider you a hero, because you lived your life trying very hard. And I know that now.
We miss you.
August 12, 2009
What a bust!
Ruth Reichl, who is editor of Gourmet magazine, has written three other memoirs on life/love/food, two of which I've read and really enjoyed. However, her newest pseudo-memoir about her mother's issues, I found terrible.
Rather than being anecdotal and witty, like the other two I've read, this mini-book is a slapped-together attempt to be sentimental about her mother's "gift." This gift being teaching daughter Ruth NOT to be like her mother, who was emotionally battered by HER mother and therefore her mother never has self-confidence and is not lucky enough to have a career her own, blah blah blah. Ruth, that’s not a testament to your mother! —That’s just plain depressing! (How many times can she use the words “tortured” “regret” and “excruciating”? Shift F7, please!)
Reichl's attempts at being emotional come off as contrived, making her mother’s story sound anything but unique. It’s poorly pieced together by Reichl’s references to old letters, notes and scraps of paper that are all suspiciously found at the "bottom of mother's box". (How is it that ALL 200 items referenced are found at the bottom of this little box??).
No wonder her publisher only allowed her a 4x6 112-page memoir this time! Don't be fooled by this little book with its whimsical cover-- it should NOT be a "gift book" to your sister!! It's a magazine article.
Ruth Reichl, who is editor of Gourmet magazine, has written three other memoirs on life/love/food, two of which I've read and really enjoyed. However, her newest pseudo-memoir about her mother's issues, I found terrible.
Rather than being anecdotal and witty, like the other two I've read, this mini-book is a slapped-together attempt to be sentimental about her mother's "gift." This gift being teaching daughter Ruth NOT to be like her mother, who was emotionally battered by HER mother and therefore her mother never has self-confidence and is not lucky enough to have a career her own, blah blah blah. Ruth, that’s not a testament to your mother! —That’s just plain depressing! (How many times can she use the words “tortured” “regret” and “excruciating”? Shift F7, please!)
Reichl's attempts at being emotional come off as contrived, making her mother’s story sound anything but unique. It’s poorly pieced together by Reichl’s references to old letters, notes and scraps of paper that are all suspiciously found at the "bottom of mother's box". (How is it that ALL 200 items referenced are found at the bottom of this little box??).
No wonder her publisher only allowed her a 4x6 112-page memoir this time! Don't be fooled by this little book with its whimsical cover-- it should NOT be a "gift book" to your sister!! It's a magazine article.
September 27, 2017
An extremely quick read. This is a short beautiful memoir about a writer who finally discovers who her mother really was deep down only after her passing. By finding some of her mother's old letters, she was able to fully understand the limitations on her mother, and realize what an unbelievable gift her mother gave her even though she didn't see it when she was growing up. Very touching, raw, and honest. I loved it! It definitely made me think of my mother at times, who also tried to instill in me such a strong sense of independence.
January 4, 2024
Oh, my this hit so close to home. It took me a long time in my life to understand that I was NOT the only daughter in the world who did not get along with my mother. It does seem, that I have since learned that there were/are a lot more of us than I thought.
So often while reading this book, I had tears in my eyes - usually for the unnecessary pain mother-daughter relationships cause.
I'm saddened thinking of the number of generations of women who were not allowed to develop their intelligent, creative selves because of the societal norms of the time. I acknowledge that I, myself, am on the cusp of the demolition of those confines.
There is some innate humor in the concept that a world-renowned food critic's mother was far from the inspiration for that career. The thought of mixing asparagus and mayonnaise almost induced a return of my breakfast.
So often while reading this book, I had tears in my eyes - usually for the unnecessary pain mother-daughter relationships cause.
I'm saddened thinking of the number of generations of women who were not allowed to develop their intelligent, creative selves because of the societal norms of the time. I acknowledge that I, myself, am on the cusp of the demolition of those confines.
There is some innate humor in the concept that a world-renowned food critic's mother was far from the inspiration for that career. The thought of mixing asparagus and mayonnaise almost induced a return of my breakfast.
August 17, 2010
Very slender volume examining changing roles of women with some flinch worthy considerations of our incomplete understanding of our parents, the judgements we make about them from our personal time and space in history. I've given a lot of thought and even some study to how our parents lives, their choices and experiences inform our own and found myself wondering what unspoken and even unconsidered agendas we thrust upon our children. We have things we know we want our kids to learn from us, things we are sure to share with them verbally but what other things do was pass on unknowingly? What things did we fail to notice that our parents were trying to teach us?
As Reichl sifts through her mothers notes and letters she gets a clearer understanding of her mothers "family of origin" and begins to see what her mother hoped for herself and for Ruth and what motivated those hopes. And I found myself thinking how I always thought in a vague way that by the time I was 40, certainly by the time I was 50, I would have "things" (life? myself? my kids? filing my personal paperwork? something!) figured out but instead I still frequently feel like I have a tiger by the tail, it really is a lifelong process. A quick, good, thought provoking read, I'll probably pick it up again someday.
As Reichl sifts through her mothers notes and letters she gets a clearer understanding of her mothers "family of origin" and begins to see what her mother hoped for herself and for Ruth and what motivated those hopes. And I found myself thinking how I always thought in a vague way that by the time I was 40, certainly by the time I was 50, I would have "things" (life? myself? my kids? filing my personal paperwork? something!) figured out but instead I still frequently feel like I have a tiger by the tail, it really is a lifelong process. A quick, good, thought provoking read, I'll probably pick it up again someday.
July 30, 2009
I couldn't resist this title - or the author, for that matter. I have always been intrigued by Ruth Reichl and wanted to read her books.
In spite of the title, this is actually a tender (and very short) love note to her mother. Theirs was definitely a strained mother-daughter relationship that I think most women can identify with. Ms. Reichl's mother was not your conventional June Cleaver wannabe of the 1950s. After her mother's death, Reichl discovers her mother's journals and realizes, for the first time, who her mother really was. In short, the mother was an intellectual trapped by the societal expectations of her time to find a husband and raise a family. Her mother never felt comfortable with this role and encouraged her daughter to lead a more fulfilling life. This message comes across through Reichl's retelling of strained familial relations and embarrassing flashbacks (when Reichl's mother forgot to prepare a snack for Ruth's girl scout troupe meeting, she found a chocolate pudding in the back of the refrigerator that she'd forgotten she'd made about a month ago and served it to the girls after scrapping all the mold off).
Ruth Reichl's voice is just as endearing as it is gut-wrenching hilarious. I loved this book and its bittersweet tale of a woman rediscovering her mother and finding a new love for the woman she never really knew.
In spite of the title, this is actually a tender (and very short) love note to her mother. Theirs was definitely a strained mother-daughter relationship that I think most women can identify with. Ms. Reichl's mother was not your conventional June Cleaver wannabe of the 1950s. After her mother's death, Reichl discovers her mother's journals and realizes, for the first time, who her mother really was. In short, the mother was an intellectual trapped by the societal expectations of her time to find a husband and raise a family. Her mother never felt comfortable with this role and encouraged her daughter to lead a more fulfilling life. This message comes across through Reichl's retelling of strained familial relations and embarrassing flashbacks (when Reichl's mother forgot to prepare a snack for Ruth's girl scout troupe meeting, she found a chocolate pudding in the back of the refrigerator that she'd forgotten she'd made about a month ago and served it to the girls after scrapping all the mold off).
Ruth Reichl's voice is just as endearing as it is gut-wrenching hilarious. I loved this book and its bittersweet tale of a woman rediscovering her mother and finding a new love for the woman she never really knew.
June 13, 2009
This book was Ruth Reichl's homage to her mother and the generation of mid-20th century women who could not reach their full potential and were uncomfortable in and resentful of their limited role as wife, mother and homemaker. Based on letters and notes written by Ruth's mother Miriam, Reichl seeks to understand, sympathize and honor the mother about whom she was irreverent and disparaging in her previous memoirs. This book doesn't have all the humor and the charming vignettes -- many of them related to cuisine -- that I enjoyed so much in her previous books. However it seeks to balance her perspective, and gives us a sense of how Reichl's feelings and appreciation of her mother have evolved. Women in their 50's and 60's can especially relate to this generation of parents. Worth the read for sure.
January 4, 2017
Maybe this will be my year of reading books about mothers. I haven't seen many mother-daughter relationships that weren't fraught with unspoken desires, misplaced expectations, and misunderstandings. I think of this often when I look at my own daughter and I wonder how much of the more recent generations of mothers and their relationships with their daughters were colored by society's rules, propriety, accepted roles for women, and the like. While this book focused on Reichl's mom, she touches often on the larger picture, of women with no other options besides marriage and motherhood. Knowing how difficult parenting can be even as someone who had the luxury of modern family planning and the freedom to choose a variety of paths, I can only imagine what it can do to someone who wanted more than to be recognized solely as a mother.
October 7, 2019
This book was very interesting and well written. My main problem was the philosophy. I strongly believe in the mother’s place in the home. I know that if Ruth’s mother would have had a personal life changing relationship with Jesus Christ the Savior of the world, her life would have been so different and fulfilled. Just because we are stay at home moms doesn’t mean we don’t have anything to do! I still have an occupation, and I get great fulfillment in it. This is what could have made the true difference in their lives. Jesus gives us our purpose and joy in life!
August 23, 2019
It is never too late to find out how to make yourself happy.
June 27, 2016
With this brief memoir, Ruth Reichl bestows the degree of forgiveness upon her mother that is only possible after death. Rifling through her mother's letters and scribbled notes, she softens her recollections of her mother. She reinterprets her mother's many failures and disregard for the needs of her children and family as attempts to teach her daughter not to be like her. See, my mother wasn't being self-absorbed after all. She was being noble and teaching me a valuable life lesson. Rather than a memoir, this is more of a sentimental eulogy steeped in revisionist history.
The author reflects upon her life with her mother, a woman whose crushing bitterness at not being allowed to become a doctor (because her parents feared it would make her unmarriageable) colored over a century of her unhappy life. Her resentment of all things domestic and refusal to grasp the reality of her situation deeply hurt her daughter, son, and second husband. But her daughter defends her with a deep sympathy and without bitterness. In fact, Reichl excuses her mother's sense of entitlement to hurt everyone who depended upon her at every turn, which really makes Reichl an even more pitiable character. Not only was her mother incredibly selfish, but her daughter who suffered for this her entire childhood is unable to acknowledge this fact.
Reichl's mother spent decades fixated on the life she wanted rather than chosing to participate in the life she had much to the detriment of those closest to her, and then in hindsight, Reichl strips her mother of any responsibility for her negligent and hurtful behaviour by pleading that she was deeply disappointed woman. In the end, that's a lame excuse. But overall, this is an intriguing family story.
The author reflects upon her life with her mother, a woman whose crushing bitterness at not being allowed to become a doctor (because her parents feared it would make her unmarriageable) colored over a century of her unhappy life. Her resentment of all things domestic and refusal to grasp the reality of her situation deeply hurt her daughter, son, and second husband. But her daughter defends her with a deep sympathy and without bitterness. In fact, Reichl excuses her mother's sense of entitlement to hurt everyone who depended upon her at every turn, which really makes Reichl an even more pitiable character. Not only was her mother incredibly selfish, but her daughter who suffered for this her entire childhood is unable to acknowledge this fact.
Reichl's mother spent decades fixated on the life she wanted rather than chosing to participate in the life she had much to the detriment of those closest to her, and then in hindsight, Reichl strips her mother of any responsibility for her negligent and hurtful behaviour by pleading that she was deeply disappointed woman. In the end, that's a lame excuse. But overall, this is an intriguing family story.
July 15, 2018
Even though I've never read her other books, this popped up as an "available" audio so I downloaded it. I will say this at the start: It usually takes at least twelve 50 minute walks to listen to an entire book before the library app snatches it away from me. This book took me one and a half walks - it's a shorty! Ruth Reichl's fame comes from her memoirs of her experiences in the cooking world, some columns, a novel, etc. I believe it is the first time she has autobiographically delved into her relationship with her mother. For many years she put off removing the lid of the box of letters stashed away. When she finally removes the lid, long after her mother's death, she discovers things about her mother she never knew, she learns more about herself, and sees that they are more intricately woven into each others lives that she had believed them to be. What comes into focus in the letters is her mother's ache from the emptiness she experienced by entering into marriage at the loss of a career. That sacrifice was at the root of her soul for as long as she lived. We also learn of her mother's tortured path of bipolar disorder. In the discovery process, Ruth begins to understand, to forgive, and more than anything to wish that she had more time with her mother so that a sharing of ideas could be possible. I was fortunate to have a really good relationship with a loving mother. And even with that behind me, this book made me yearn for more talks with her...........for more time. For as with all mothers, there is always more than meets the eye. There are always the parts they might have been hesitant to talk about, yet might have welcomed the opportunity if the door had opened a crack. Oh, how this book made me miss my mom.
April 25, 2009
Just the title alone made me want to read this book.. And I'm glad that I did. Reichl finds some letters and notes in a box in a basement from her mother. Through these, she finds out why her mother was the way she was, and why her mother always encouraged her to not be like her. She didn't want her daughter to be unhappy like she was, she wanted her to be an independent person - free to do as she pleased, free from the traditional roles that society and parents expect you to be. Reichl's mother, Miriam, followed that role because it was expected of her not only by society but forced down her throat by her mother. Miriam grew up during the time when if a woman didn't marry, then people would call her a spinster. Miriam actually had a career and her own bookshop but was forced to give that up because circumstances called for it.. which caused her to be very unhappy. She was unhappy for a big part of her life and Reichl as a child noticed this.
By reading her mother's letters, Reichl is able to understand why her mother did the things that she did. I found the ending to be bittersweet because Miriam finally became who she really was, but not until she was a widow and white haired. I guess it's good in a way because some people never have the chance of finding out who they are, at all, but at least Miriam did, even if it was toward the end of her life..
By reading her mother's letters, Reichl is able to understand why her mother did the things that she did. I found the ending to be bittersweet because Miriam finally became who she really was, but not until she was a widow and white haired. I guess it's good in a way because some people never have the chance of finding out who they are, at all, but at least Miriam did, even if it was toward the end of her life..
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 25, 2011
I must have read something to recommend this book in the depths of blogland, and thought I would give it a go. When I got it out from the local library, the librarian said that she had read her earlier books and was a good author, always a good start.
So this little tome didn't take long to read, it is a short little 112 pages. She is primarily a food writer/critic/editor, but in this book she talks about her relationship with her mother. I always enjoy tales of growing up, and I think the memoir succeeds because Ruth Reichl ends up understanding, that although her mother was full of faults and quite unstable, she was a product of her times. On what would have been her mothers hundreth birthday Ruth opens her mothers old diaries and letters and learns about the mother she never knew.
My mother has been gone six years now, and there is so much I wish I could ask her, the things that no one else knows the answers to. So a 3/5 - for making me think about my own mum, and wish that she had left a pile of letters behind.
So this little tome didn't take long to read, it is a short little 112 pages. She is primarily a food writer/critic/editor, but in this book she talks about her relationship with her mother. I always enjoy tales of growing up, and I think the memoir succeeds because Ruth Reichl ends up understanding, that although her mother was full of faults and quite unstable, she was a product of her times. On what would have been her mothers hundreth birthday Ruth opens her mothers old diaries and letters and learns about the mother she never knew.
My mother has been gone six years now, and there is so much I wish I could ask her, the things that no one else knows the answers to. So a 3/5 - for making me think about my own mum, and wish that she had left a pile of letters behind.
December 2, 2012
I absolutely LOVED Ruth Reichl's book "Garlic and Sapphires" so I thought a memoir would be interesting. I especially liked the idea of a book that discusses Ruth's mother, since she "became" her mother during her restaurant critic days as a means of disguising herself. This audiobook, narrated by the author, is a lovely but slightly disturbing look into the often difficult mother/daughter relationship. So often there is a dichotomy of feelings between mothers and daughters - intense love and admiration mixed with resentment and shame. This was the case between Ruth and her mother, as well as between her mother and grandmother. It was fascinating to hear about the social constraints and expectations in each generation, as well as the evolution in treatment of depression described in one chapter on her mother's chronic malaise. While not nearly as entertaining as "Garlic and Sapphires", this book is well-written and enlightening. And hearing it read by the author gave it an extra edge of authenticity.
June 21, 2009
A wonderful fast read. Whenever I pick up anything written by Ruth Reichl, I realize how much I love her tone and style. She is a wonderful storyteller who knows how to draw the reader into her life. This book in particular was a wonderful tribute to her mother, who spent her entire life kind of lost and not knowing who she was really supposed to be. Every woman has stories about her grandmother or great grandmother similar to Reichl's--this was a generation that was out of place in their time. They were educated and could have had brilliant careers, but most of them were stunted by society, told that they were not supposed to work. Most of those who did, did not have successful careers and tended to feel guilty about the choice they made to work instead of stay home full time. I am glad that Ruth Reichl has had such a successful career--simply because her mother couldn't.
March 3, 2020
I hate to say it because I love the author, but this book doesn't need to exist. It's a super short recounting of Ruth Reichl's relationship with her mother and how it affect her growing up.
There's nothing new here. Her earlier book Tender at the Bone: Growing Up at the Table spends a great deal of time talking about her mother and what it was like growing up. It even included a lot of the same anecdotes. I guess if you are only looking for a book that has the mother-daughter relationship but none of the chef stuff in it, then this is for you. I'm super disappointed.
There's nothing new here. Her earlier book Tender at the Bone: Growing Up at the Table spends a great deal of time talking about her mother and what it was like growing up. It even included a lot of the same anecdotes. I guess if you are only looking for a book that has the mother-daughter relationship but none of the chef stuff in it, then this is for you. I'm super disappointed.
December 27, 2020
Reading this book, I appreciated with new fervency the freedom I have had to choose my own life. I cannot imagine the pain of a life dictated by parental visions and societal norms. While my life is fairly "conventional", I have decided it myself, not had it dictated, and that has made all the difference.
February 22, 2024
توی این کتاب خیلی کوتاه، نویسنده از زندگی مادرش میگه. زندگی که تازه بعد از مرگ مادرش و با کندوکاو توی نامهها و یادداشتهای اون بهش پی برده. به قول نویسنده مادرش -میریِم- در بدترین زمان ممکن برای زنان توی آمریکا به دنیا اومده بوده: اوایل قرن بیستم. موقعی که زنا با این که حقوقی مثل حق رأی داشتن و موقع دو تا جنگ جهانی یا حتی دورهی رکود بزرگ اقتصادی اجازه داشتن شغل و حرفه داشته باشن و تا حدودی دنبال علایق و آرزوهاشون باشن و یا جور متفاوتی به قول میریِم مفید باشن، ولی به محض اتمام جنگ باید برمیگشتن سر خونه و زندگیشون و وظایف مادری / همسریشون رو از سر میگرفتن تا غرور همسراشون جریحهدار نشه و بقیه فکر نکنن اونا از پس تأمین هزینهی خانوادهشون برنمیآد.
خودِ میریِم هم علاقه داشته پزشک بشه ولی پدر و مادرش اعتقاد داشتن که در این صورت شوهر پیدا نمیکنه و این حرفه مناسب زنا نیست. میریِم تا آخر عمرش از اینکه انقدر به خواستهی پدر و مادرش تن داده و به همین خاطر یک ازدواج ناموفق داشته و تا مدتها فکر میکرده زشته و جذاب نیست و هیچوقت نتونسته اونطوری که میخواد زندگی کنه.
میریِم همیشه به دخترش (یعنی نویسنده) گوشزد میکرده که قرار نیست سرنوشت اون هم مثل مادرش بشه و اون میتونه هرکاری دوست داره با زندگیش بکنه و نباید اونو الگو قرار بده. به قول نویسنده:
She loved me enough to make me love her less.
توی آخرین سالهای زندگیش، میریِم بالاخره کمی آزادی پیدا میکنه و سعی میکنه کاری رو که همیشه دوست داشته انجام بده.
ولی وقتی آدم به اون همه استعداد و علاقهای که اون همه سال حروم شد و کنج خونهها حبس شد غصهش میگیره.
از خوندن این کتاب خیلی لذت بردم و سوالایی که خیلی وقت پیش ته ذهنم بود رو آورد جلو تا باز بهشون فکر کنم و خب همین مرا بس.✌🏼
خودِ میریِم هم علاقه داشته پزشک بشه ولی پدر و مادرش اعتقاد داشتن که در این صورت شوهر پیدا نمیکنه و این حرفه مناسب زنا نیست. میریِم تا آخر عمرش از اینکه انقدر به خواستهی پدر و مادرش تن داده و به همین خاطر یک ازدواج ناموفق داشته و تا مدتها فکر میکرده زشته و جذاب نیست و هیچوقت نتونسته اونطوری که میخواد زندگی کنه.
میریِم همیشه به دخترش (یعنی نویسنده) گوشزد میکرده که قرار نیست سرنوشت اون هم مثل مادرش بشه و اون میتونه هرکاری دوست داره با زندگیش بکنه و نباید اونو الگو قرار بده. به قول نویسنده:
She loved me enough to make me love her less.
توی آخرین سالهای زندگیش، میریِم بالاخره کمی آزادی پیدا میکنه و سعی میکنه کاری رو که همیشه دوست داشته انجام بده.
ولی وقتی آدم به اون همه استعداد و علاقهای که اون همه سال حروم شد و کنج خونهها حبس شد غصهش میگیره.
از خوندن این کتاب خیلی لذت بردم و سوالایی که خیلی وقت پیش ته ذهنم بود رو آورد جلو تا باز بهشون فکر کنم و خب همین مرا بس.✌🏼
May 10, 2022
“Mom may not have realised her dreams, but that did not make her bitter. She did not have a happy life, but she wanted one for me. And she made enormous emotional sacrifices to make sure that my life would not turn out like hers”
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Unusually for Ruth Reichel, this slim little volume is not about food at all, it’s about her mother. Ruth had a strained relationship with her mother. Miriam was a brilliant student and had wanted to be a doctor, but was forced to bend to the weight of parental and societal expectation. She strived to be the daughter that her parents approved of and never quite managed it. Miriam in turn quietly gave Ruth permission to rebel, something that Ruth didn’t realise until much much later in life. This was a strangely sad book that I wish had had space to grow beyond its 100 or so pages. However, it did capture the complexities of mother-daughter relationships, particularly for a generation of brilliant women who were confined to helping their daughters to
.
.
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Unusually for Ruth Reichel, this slim little volume is not about food at all, it’s about her mother. Ruth had a strained relationship with her mother. Miriam was a brilliant student and had wanted to be a doctor, but was forced to bend to the weight of parental and societal expectation. She strived to be the daughter that her parents approved of and never quite managed it. Miriam in turn quietly gave Ruth permission to rebel, something that Ruth didn’t realise until much much later in life. This was a strangely sad book that I wish had had space to grow beyond its 100 or so pages. However, it did capture the complexities of mother-daughter relationships, particularly for a generation of brilliant women who were confined to helping their daughters to
January 4, 2025
This was an “eh.” Another random grab in the memoir section haha. I’ve read pretty much all that Ruth Reichl has written, so i appreciated the back story. Buttt nothing earth shattering at all, and I got the vibe that she thought it was 🤷🏼♀️
April 12, 2017
Listened to this, so good. Author reads it!
March 14, 2019
facciamo che la Ruth Reichl autrice di questo libro è una lontana parente illetterata, assoldata dall'editore per arrivare alla fine del mese-e non parliamone più, ok?
February 12, 2014
I had/am having a slightly difficult time processing this book. Luckily it is short, very short - like you could read it in two hours short.
Here's my thought process as I finish this book. It brings up the age old feminist tale of "don't make me stay in the kitchen, I want a career dammit!" Problem is, what about those woman, much like myself, who chose a career 'in the kitchen' so to speak. This story that Ruth Reichl and her mother tell us is one that insists you are far more than your looks, your family's social position, your marriage, etc. I appreciate this outlook - it's one my own mother and grandmother shared. So the struggle comes when I decide, as a "modern" young feminist, to get married have children and become a homemaker. It throws the slap in my face that I rejected all the hard work of 'Mim', Ruth, and my grandmother. This book is every bit the propaganda we sell young girls - marriage will make you stupid and soft - reject the home and march into the workforce! But why do we insist that girls must do this? It's just as damaging as insisting they marry. I say, give us a CHOICE.
This book and it's themes are important to consider - right along with The Happy Homemakers Bible. Given the options, men and women in our society thankfully don't necessarily have to wander down the prescribed path. It's fine if girls want a career and reject housekeeping/child rearing. But it is also okay if they choose to embrace it.
Here's my thought process as I finish this book. It brings up the age old feminist tale of "don't make me stay in the kitchen, I want a career dammit!" Problem is, what about those woman, much like myself, who chose a career 'in the kitchen' so to speak. This story that Ruth Reichl and her mother tell us is one that insists you are far more than your looks, your family's social position, your marriage, etc. I appreciate this outlook - it's one my own mother and grandmother shared. So the struggle comes when I decide, as a "modern" young feminist, to get married have children and become a homemaker. It throws the slap in my face that I rejected all the hard work of 'Mim', Ruth, and my grandmother. This book is every bit the propaganda we sell young girls - marriage will make you stupid and soft - reject the home and march into the workforce! But why do we insist that girls must do this? It's just as damaging as insisting they marry. I say, give us a CHOICE.
This book and it's themes are important to consider - right along with The Happy Homemakers Bible. Given the options, men and women in our society thankfully don't necessarily have to wander down the prescribed path. It's fine if girls want a career and reject housekeeping/child rearing. But it is also okay if they choose to embrace it.
February 10, 2014
This book starts with a bang as Ruth's mother concocts a most disgusting snack of moldy chocolate pudding, old, hard marshmallows and canned peaches for Ruth's Girl Scout troop. I settled in for more.
Ruth's mother, Miriam, was told in clear print in a letter written to her by her father that although she was smart, she was homely and the odds of catching a husband were going to be slim but that should be her goal in life. With that encouragement, Miriam marries and two years later is divorced.
Living in a time when cooking cleaning and being married were, for a woman, the measure of her success, Miriam finds it very difficult to be okay with that for her life's goal. Miriam is determined not to be a typical housewife and becomes increasingly depressed because in the end she is very typical for her day.
Ruth Reichl takes us through her mother's life via a box of letters, news clippings, scrawled notes and paraphernalia to discover who her mother really was.
Unfortunately the story is common and ultimately uninteresting. It is the story of many, many women of the mid century, smart, talented and charming who ultimately end up at home raising a family and not pursuing a career. It seemed to all come down to happiness is finding a fulfilling career. And it rang hollow.
Ruth's mother, Miriam, was told in clear print in a letter written to her by her father that although she was smart, she was homely and the odds of catching a husband were going to be slim but that should be her goal in life. With that encouragement, Miriam marries and two years later is divorced.
Living in a time when cooking cleaning and being married were, for a woman, the measure of her success, Miriam finds it very difficult to be okay with that for her life's goal. Miriam is determined not to be a typical housewife and becomes increasingly depressed because in the end she is very typical for her day.
Ruth Reichl takes us through her mother's life via a box of letters, news clippings, scrawled notes and paraphernalia to discover who her mother really was.
Unfortunately the story is common and ultimately uninteresting. It is the story of many, many women of the mid century, smart, talented and charming who ultimately end up at home raising a family and not pursuing a career. It seemed to all come down to happiness is finding a fulfilling career. And it rang hollow.
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