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How I Proposed to My Wife: An Alien Sex Story
Everyone wants to know how I proposed to Claire. Well, it’s complicated...
25 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 7, 2011
23 people are currently reading
1068 people want to read
About the author
John Scalzi
185 books28.6k followersJohn Scalzi, having declared his absolute boredom with biographies, disappeared in a puff of glitter and lilac scent.
(If you want to contact John, using the mail function here is a really bad way to do it. Go to his site and use the contact information you find there.)
(If you want to contact John, using the mail function here is a really bad way to do it. Go to his site and use the contact information you find there.)
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 95 reviews
April 21, 2019
The magazine reporters must write another alien story.
“It’s our thing.” Rosenwald said. “Playboy has boobies, New Yorker has smug little cartoons, New World Man magazine has its monthly goddamn story on what it’s like to be an alien. If we didn’t have that, Nick, we’d be out of business”
Now to explain his job to his (human) girlfriend
“They want me to go on a date with some aliens,” I said. “For a story.”
“A date,” Claire said. “With a bunch of aliens at once, or one at a time?”
“I think they want me to do the dates sequentially, one alien at a time,” I said.
Claire spun her linguini on her fork. “I told you you should have taken that PR job with the hospital.” Claire was an internist at St. Joe’s downtown. “The pay was better. And you’d have health insurance.”
Promises, promises
“I’m not going to have sex with an alien. For one thing, I wouldn’t know where to start. That was part of the problem with Chuani.”
“Ah ha,” Claire said. “Now the truth comes out.”
“Seriously, Claire,” I said. “No alien sex.”
“No sex,” Claire said.
“No sex,” I said.
.....
“Are we to have sex?” Ttan asked me, as we headed for dinner.
“Uh,” I said. “Why do you ask?”
“My boss suggested that was to be expected with you,” Ttan said. “And I am ready to do my part for the Sefhuan delegation.”
Lie back and think of England, I thought. “It won’t be necessary,” I said.
“Are you sure?” Ttan said. “I lubricated my under-carapace just in case.”
Just a friendly game
“We were playing a game,” I said.
“That involved knives?” Claire said.
“We were playing jard,” I said. “It’s a game where the Sefhuans throw daggers at each other and get points for how they throw and where on their opponent’s carapace the dagger lands.”
Claire pointed to my shoulder. “I think you might have noticed that you don’t have a hard carapace before someone started flinging knives at you.”
The dates go from bad to worse - or better and better depending on your viewpoint to a completely surprise ending!
Enjoy!
“It’s our thing.” Rosenwald said. “Playboy has boobies, New Yorker has smug little cartoons, New World Man magazine has its monthly goddamn story on what it’s like to be an alien. If we didn’t have that, Nick, we’d be out of business”
Now to explain his job to his (human) girlfriend
“They want me to go on a date with some aliens,” I said. “For a story.”
“A date,” Claire said. “With a bunch of aliens at once, or one at a time?”
“I think they want me to do the dates sequentially, one alien at a time,” I said.
Claire spun her linguini on her fork. “I told you you should have taken that PR job with the hospital.” Claire was an internist at St. Joe’s downtown. “The pay was better. And you’d have health insurance.”
Promises, promises
“I’m not going to have sex with an alien. For one thing, I wouldn’t know where to start. That was part of the problem with Chuani.”
“Ah ha,” Claire said. “Now the truth comes out.”
“Seriously, Claire,” I said. “No alien sex.”
“No sex,” Claire said.
“No sex,” I said.
.....
“Are we to have sex?” Ttan asked me, as we headed for dinner.
“Uh,” I said. “Why do you ask?”
“My boss suggested that was to be expected with you,” Ttan said. “And I am ready to do my part for the Sefhuan delegation.”
Lie back and think of England, I thought. “It won’t be necessary,” I said.
“Are you sure?” Ttan said. “I lubricated my under-carapace just in case.”
Just a friendly game
“We were playing a game,” I said.
“That involved knives?” Claire said.
“We were playing jard,” I said. “It’s a game where the Sefhuans throw daggers at each other and get points for how they throw and where on their opponent’s carapace the dagger lands.”
Claire pointed to my shoulder. “I think you might have noticed that you don’t have a hard carapace before someone started flinging knives at you.”
The dates go from bad to worse - or better and better depending on your viewpoint to a completely surprise ending!
Enjoy!
August 24, 2017
Just look at the title, how could I have helped myself? It was great as long as you enjoy absurd humor, but anyone who's familiar with John Scalzi would know what to expect. Oh, there is a bit of alien sex in this short story and it is as appealing as you can imagine. It involves tentacles and I've heard people are actually into that, I wonder if John Scalzi had to do any kind of research for this short story. ;)
August 22, 2017
A reporter has to date a few aliens to come up with a story for the newspaper. Only nothing goes as expected. A hilarious short story written by Scalzi in his unmistakable style.
March 30, 2012
As low writer on the totem pole at his magazine, Charlie gets the pleasure of coming home to his girlfriend to explain he will be going on a series of dates with various aliens for a human (well, alien) interest piece. It would be a disservice to spoil the story by going into any more detail.
So far all I've read by Scalzi are a few short stories, all of comedic bent. His writing style suits the material well. Personally I have found most good but a bit insubstantial for my tastes. The detail he gives his characters and settings are astounding, and usually I'm left wishing the stories themselves were stronger and up to the high standards of those elements.
Not so here. Charlie's tale is engrossing and the humor and plot are wonderfully balanced. Everything works beautifully.
So far all I've read by Scalzi are a few short stories, all of comedic bent. His writing style suits the material well. Personally I have found most good but a bit insubstantial for my tastes. The detail he gives his characters and settings are astounding, and usually I'm left wishing the stories themselves were stronger and up to the high standards of those elements.
Not so here. Charlie's tale is engrossing and the humor and plot are wonderfully balanced. Everything works beautifully.
January 10, 2021
Yep, funny!
I read a couple of humour orientated SciFi books last year, more of the wise cracking variety of funny, which were OK but didn’t quite work for me. This one is more situational humour and it worked fine.
I don’t think I’ve read this author, although I know of his fame. This short story, 28 pages, cheap as an ebook, encourages me to read more.
A tale of a new journalist on a tabloid paper pushed into writing an article on dating aliens, some conveniently available in local embassies on this SciFi future Earth.
I actually laughed, rare for me and books.
I read a couple of humour orientated SciFi books last year, more of the wise cracking variety of funny, which were OK but didn’t quite work for me. This one is more situational humour and it worked fine.
I don’t think I’ve read this author, although I know of his fame. This short story, 28 pages, cheap as an ebook, encourages me to read more.
A tale of a new journalist on a tabloid paper pushed into writing an article on dating aliens, some conveniently available in local embassies on this SciFi future Earth.
I actually laughed, rare for me and books.
April 15, 2012
I can imagine that John Scalzi could write the telephone book and I'd not only read it, but laugh at it. The first book (then series) of his that I read was The Old Man's War, and while it was a great book and I [mostly] enjoyed the series, I've adored everything he's written after that (except for the Night Dragons trilogy; having a hard time finding a copy of that one -[wink. wink; nudge, nudge]. Anyway, for all the laughs, the author generally has an oh-so-gentle point to make and this short story is no exception.
Love the story, love his writing in general, and, to paraphrase his wife, he's very funny.
Lousy review; I apologize. Read the story, send me your review, and I promise praise.
Love the story, love his writing in general, and, to paraphrase his wife, he's very funny.
Lousy review; I apologize. Read the story, send me your review, and I promise praise.
January 1, 2016
That was fantastic! How incredibly sweet! lol
May 20, 2022
Such a quick, funny rash itching read!!
January 23, 2011
Thoroughly enjoyable. It is a short story in .pdf format that I got from the author's website. Pulled it up on my wife's iPad to show her how it functioned as an ebook reader (she keeps saying she will only read a book she can hold). She enjoyed it thoroughly as well. Several laugh out loud moments. Would love to read more scifi comedy by the author - it is an overlooked genre that is ripe for plucking...
June 10, 2013
A hysterically funny story from an awesome SF writer. Poor Charlie the neophyte magazine writer is lurking at the back of an editorial meeting when his coworkers decide to haze him (excuse me, did I say 'haze'? I meant 'initiate.') in the most awkward way possible. Chaos, injury, and a fair amount of 'squick' follow. Welcome at last to the future of journalism: extraterrestrial dating!
February 12, 2010
You can download a shareware version at http://whatever.scalzi.com/2008/04/16....
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
January 18, 2024
How to court an alien in 10 Days or something
I've been knee-deep in The Human Division series for this Scifi month and I have loved every short story. This feels like it takes place in the same OMW/Human Division universe so I'm counting it.
Plot/Storyline/Themes:
How I met your mother but without the kid. Oh and there's aliens.
Character Development/Favorite Character:
Why are Editors-in-Chief so ... what's the word ... weird? Insane? Colorful? Adept at Moral ambiguity and crossing lines.
Favorite/Curious/Ludicrous/Unique Scene: :
Charlie attends a Cli Fertilization Party:
That’s why everyone’s put a milt ball on the table.”
“But how does the sperm get distributed from the table to you?”
I asked.
“We just add water,” Ronen said.
“Water?” I asked, alarmed. Ronen looked over at me. “?h dear,” it said. “I may have made a faux pas. We Cli don’t wear clothes. I should have told you it would be advisable to bring a swimsuit.”
Favorite/Curious/Ludicrous/Unique Quotes:
🖤 “One of the things I love about you is that you’re smart. But for this whole thing it’s like someone took your brain and hid it in the trash can.” (Claire on Charlies latest ER visit)
🖤 “I’m a dominant, Sefhuan don’t have sexes like humans do. But we have positions.” (Ttan on Sefhuan gender norms)
🖤 “In a week, you’ve been stabbed, covered in goo, baptized and tricked into sex. For what? For a story.” (Claire on Charlie's dating escapades)
Favorite/Curious/Ludicrous/Unique Concepts:
All Charlie's dates with different Aliens
■ Sefhuan game of Jard
■ Cli Fertilization Party
■ Fruden Baptism for Slavering Godhead
■Ambush shenanigans with a Durang
StoryGraph Challenge: 1800 Books by 2025
Challenge Prompt: 150 Short Stories by 2025
I've been knee-deep in The Human Division series for this Scifi month and I have loved every short story. This feels like it takes place in the same OMW/Human Division universe so I'm counting it.
Plot/Storyline/Themes:
How I met your mother but without the kid. Oh and there's aliens.
Character Development/Favorite Character:
Why are Editors-in-Chief so ... what's the word ... weird? Insane? Colorful? Adept at Moral ambiguity and crossing lines.
Favorite/Curious/Ludicrous/Unique Scene: :
Charlie attends a Cli Fertilization Party:
That’s why everyone’s put a milt ball on the table.”
“But how does the sperm get distributed from the table to you?”
I asked.
“We just add water,” Ronen said.
“Water?” I asked, alarmed. Ronen looked over at me. “?h dear,” it said. “I may have made a faux pas. We Cli don’t wear clothes. I should have told you it would be advisable to bring a swimsuit.”
Favorite/Curious/Ludicrous/Unique Quotes:
🖤 “One of the things I love about you is that you’re smart. But for this whole thing it’s like someone took your brain and hid it in the trash can.” (Claire on Charlies latest ER visit)
🖤 “I’m a dominant, Sefhuan don’t have sexes like humans do. But we have positions.” (Ttan on Sefhuan gender norms)
🖤 “In a week, you’ve been stabbed, covered in goo, baptized and tricked into sex. For what? For a story.” (Claire on Charlie's dating escapades)
Favorite/Curious/Ludicrous/Unique Concepts:
All Charlie's dates with different Aliens
■ Sefhuan game of Jard
■ Cli Fertilization Party
■ Fruden Baptism for Slavering Godhead
■Ambush shenanigans with a Durang
StoryGraph Challenge: 1800 Books by 2025
Challenge Prompt: 150 Short Stories by 2025
August 20, 2019
Scalzi is without a doubt writer that can make universe that you find normal, and by normal I mean not just sf genre but you have a feeling that is is just something that will exist in future. Mixing humans and aliens, creating whole different cultures. This is fun story about species, love, relationships,job troubles.,everyday things.
February 4, 2016
Um...yup. The title alone just makes one think of a million different scenarios that the story could be about. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on how one looks at it, I guess) there's only one that is played out here.
This is told from the perspective of Charlie who just started working at New World Man magazine. When the story opens he is sitting in the back taking notes during a editorial meeting. The staff is discussing the next issue and the topic of the alien story that they need to produce. Everyone groans because no one likes to do it, but hey, like the editor in chief says, "playboy has boobies and we have aliens." You see aliens live on Earth and NWM does an alien story every issue because it's the most popular story in it.
So the staff decides that an alien sex story should be done, but it's more like what different courting rituals do some of the species do. And of course, the new guy Charlie gets picked to do his first published story for the magazine.
Charlie gets an all expense paid dinner to a high class Italian restaurant to convince his fiancée, Claire, that it's okay. She's reluctant, but allows it (he tells her, "no sex, just a date").
The rest of the story consists of him going out on a few dates. We are treated to some funny mishaps on said dates (can anyone say hospital). The final date that Charlie encounters is where the title comes from. What he describes during that scene is funny, but...um...alien?
Even so, I really enjoyed this quick read. I was laughing at what poor Charlie had to go through for his article. And when he does finally propose to Claire, well, I thought that was great.
This is told from the perspective of Charlie who just started working at New World Man magazine. When the story opens he is sitting in the back taking notes during a editorial meeting. The staff is discussing the next issue and the topic of the alien story that they need to produce. Everyone groans because no one likes to do it, but hey, like the editor in chief says, "playboy has boobies and we have aliens." You see aliens live on Earth and NWM does an alien story every issue because it's the most popular story in it.
So the staff decides that an alien sex story should be done, but it's more like what different courting rituals do some of the species do. And of course, the new guy Charlie gets picked to do his first published story for the magazine.
Charlie gets an all expense paid dinner to a high class Italian restaurant to convince his fiancée, Claire, that it's okay. She's reluctant, but allows it (he tells her, "no sex, just a date").
The rest of the story consists of him going out on a few dates. We are treated to some funny mishaps on said dates (can anyone say hospital). The final date that Charlie encounters is where the title comes from. What he describes during that scene is funny, but...um...alien?
Even so, I really enjoyed this quick read. I was laughing at what poor Charlie had to go through for his article. And when he does finally propose to Claire, well, I thought that was great.
July 25, 2014
I've been working my way through these 99 cent short stories from John Scalzi's works, and I find that they're kind of perfect for a short little jaunt into another world or another time, like reading a comic. I don;t mind spending a buck on something that will entertain me for 45 minutes to an hour.
That said, this was one of his lesser works. It's certainly fun, with a writer being forced to do a report on alien dating, all while he's in a committed relationship with his girlfriend.
It's an entertaining story, but there isn't a whole of of depth to it. I find recently that I need my novels, short stories, or novellas to have something to say, and this one skirts around the ideas of xenophobia and racism as well as cross species dating. It's fun, but never really gets too far in to the premise. It seems more concerned with being slightly tongue in cheek and to entertain than to say something.
And that's fine, it's a fun, disposable kind of story that's enjoyable and short. Worth the buck I spent, but not my favorite from Mr. Scalzi.
That said, this was one of his lesser works. It's certainly fun, with a writer being forced to do a report on alien dating, all while he's in a committed relationship with his girlfriend.
It's an entertaining story, but there isn't a whole of of depth to it. I find recently that I need my novels, short stories, or novellas to have something to say, and this one skirts around the ideas of xenophobia and racism as well as cross species dating. It's fun, but never really gets too far in to the premise. It seems more concerned with being slightly tongue in cheek and to entertain than to say something.
And that's fine, it's a fun, disposable kind of story that's enjoyable and short. Worth the buck I spent, but not my favorite from Mr. Scalzi.
May 26, 2015
That was an unexpected short story. For one thing I went into it thinking it was the story of how Scalzi proposed. But once it was clear it was fiction, it still took me by surprise and the ending was unexpected. Scalzi continues to be my favorite source for funny (non-slapstick) science fiction. This story made the collection it came from worth getting.
November 20, 2012
This is the best set of stories you ever heard from a guy in the bar combined with science fiction. A cub reporter is assigned to do a story about alien dating ... And hilarity ensues. Really good and inspires me to read a lot more by the author.
April 25, 2014
A hilarious look at varying relationship ordeals amongst alien races, and the unfortunate human that has to experience them. Think How I Met Your Mother, but shorter, and without the disappointing ending.
January 25, 2015
I laughed out loud
Short but quite funny. And sweet. A follow on story featuring the same lead characters would be great. But you're asking, "What - no synopsis?" It's a short story and anything I might write would be a spoiler.
Short but quite funny. And sweet. A follow on story featuring the same lead characters would be great. But you're asking, "What - no synopsis?" It's a short story and anything I might write would be a spoiler.
January 26, 2009
limited chapbook
February 5, 2012
Great short story! I laughed out loud a couple of times. Definitely recommend this story.
July 27, 2012
A great short story that surprisingly has little to do with alien sex.
March 9, 2013
Very funny story.First story that I read by this author.Highly entertaining. Highly recommended.
March 16, 2013
very funny and quite entertaining.
June 4, 2013
I loved this short novel!
June 23, 2013
a sweet, delightful little story.
January 17, 2014
Extremely good written for the purposes of a fun short science fiction story.
May 10, 2014
Different
November 14, 2014
Not porn. Really. I swear.
December 14, 2014
I found this book hilarious, one of Scalzi's most enjoyable reads. Very light stuff, but fun throughout.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 95 reviews