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The Gender Friend: A 102 Guide to Gender Identity by Oakley Phoenix
If you lifted this book from the shelf, you're probably interested in learning more about gender. You could be in the earliest stages of questioning, newly out, well into your transition, or an ally hoping to receive some extra tips and tricks. No matter your starting point, you're in the right place.
Moving beyond pronouns, the basics of social and physical transition and how to be a good ally, this definitive guide explores the ins and outs of gender - from affirming language, how to explore and question gender, coming out to parents, finding gender euphoria, supporting loved ones and yourself, and advice on what not to say - to help you understand the nuances of gender and the lived realities of trans people. With self-reflective exercises, personal anecdotes and example scenarios, this book will teach you the secrets to becoming the best gender ally you can be.
Written by a young black queer trans adult, this empowering and contemporary guide is your 'gender friend' who is ready to actively listen, advise you as needed, and provide you with support as you grow as an ally, or approach the next steps in your own unique gender journey. Welcome to the gender book you've been waiting for.
Moving beyond pronouns, the basics of social and physical transition and how to be a good ally, this definitive guide explores the ins and outs of gender - from affirming language, how to explore and question gender, coming out to parents, finding gender euphoria, supporting loved ones and yourself, and advice on what not to say - to help you understand the nuances of gender and the lived realities of trans people. With self-reflective exercises, personal anecdotes and example scenarios, this book will teach you the secrets to becoming the best gender ally you can be.
Written by a young black queer trans adult, this empowering and contemporary guide is your 'gender friend' who is ready to actively listen, advise you as needed, and provide you with support as you grow as an ally, or approach the next steps in your own unique gender journey. Welcome to the gender book you've been waiting for.
144 pages, Paperback
Published October 21, 2022
2 people are currently reading
76 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
November 28, 2022
There were a lot of things I appreciated about this book. I'm always a fan of glossaries, as they provide something to refer to an to enhance understanding per the author's definitions. I'm also appreciative of how open Oakley is and the way that they have made this book, through interview-style writing, quite literally so conversational. It doesn't feel overly pedantic, and I think I would have found this book incredibly helpful ten years ago when I first started learning about this ideology.
However...
There's a lot of inconsistencies that I think are standard in this community that are never addressed. Perhaps I shouldn't be overly critical, as the title obviously states that this is a 102 guide--maybe these critiques are best reserved for a 301 guide. Alas, here we go.
Let's begin with the definition of AFAB (Assigned Female at Birth): "Designates a person assigned female from a person assigned male or intersex." This is interesting that this is a separate category from intersex...as this term comes from the intersex community. When doctors view a newborn as having indeterminate genitalia, doctors will "assign" a sex, usually through some type of surgical intervention. Sometimes the parents know, sometimes they do not. Often times, the intersex children do not learn of this until much later in life. Yes, doctors do observe genitalia and announce, "It's a girl!" (the conflation of gender + sex notwithstanding), but that is an observation, not a medical assignation.
This is juxtaposed by the definition of Female: "An individual who identifies as female." And we come to circular logic here--if one is assigned female at birth, and female is anyone who identifies as female...should AFAB then mean "Assigned as someone who identifies as female at birth?" Whoof, that's not as nice of an acronym. But, perhaps we can see the problem. How can one be both assigned as female and identify as female? It seems that perhaps we are better off maintaining the distinction between sex and gender as it was commonplace to do not even a decade ago rather than conflating the two. I can identify as a redhead, but that doesn't mean that my dyed hair is proof that I am one. You dig?
We are also privy to the definition of Top Surgery: "Removal of excess, unwanted breast tissue." I'd like to call it what it really is, which is a double mastectomy. Double mastectomies are typically reserved for when breast tissue is cancerous or when someone has a high risk of breast cancer (which can affect anyone). So...to me it's kind of strange to just get rid of a literal, physical part of you because you don't want it. But I'm also pretty against any sort of elective surgery, and this is a wholly different conversation. My main critique is that top surgery = double mastectomy and we should refer to it for what it is.
Next is the way we are offered the definition of Gender Expression throughout the course of this book. In the glossary, we read that it is "how an individual communicates their gender." Oakley later states, in a controlled interview with an enthusiastic and curious reader (a rather cute and friendly idea, I do have to admit!), "You also picked up on how externalized my gender is. My gender and my outfits go hand in hand, which isn't a universal experience by any means." I'm glad that Oakley added the modifier at the end there, because that is something often forced upon women in particular (hello, make-up, high heels, and flimsy clothing). It seems then, that Oakley's gender is largely inherent upon their outfit of the day, that it's "external". For me, and many other women, our gender isn't necessarily external. We wear highly feminine things because we're taught to, but that doesn't mean butch women are any less women. But this also doesn't mean that I'm any less of a woman when nobody is watching. It doesn't mean I'm less of a woman when I'm in my comfy cozies all alone.
If Oakley's gender seems to depend on their personal style, then what gender are they when nobody is looking at them? I'm sure Oakley of course would still identify as transmasculine non-binary, but honestly...who cares when nobody is there to see them? Oakley later goes on to explain that their gender expression also depends on time and place, which again just seems like dressing up for any given day's itinerary. It just seems to me that the way in which they define and explore the term gender expression they get closer and closer to realizing that gender expression is just your personality and your personal style.
In an "interview" with the reader, Oakley discusses their privilege at being able to access and pay for hormone therapy and getting a double mastectomy. Oakley states "...having top surgery unlocked a number of big and little things that I simply couldn't do or couldn't feel safe doing before." While I am glad that Oakley feels more comfortable in their body and feel that they have more freedom, I would really love to see Oakley push their understanding further. Why didn't Oakley feel safe? Who made Oakley feel threatened? If one's body does not grant freedom to that person, is it really their body or is it society? Who or what is preventing Oakley from feeling safe?
Also, and as another aside, I would love to also feel safe in my body. I can only assume--perhaps correctly, perhaps incorrectly--that this safety must come from the sexualization of female bodies. Shirts and dresses accentuate breasts, which are sexualized thanks to pornography and Victoria's Secret, and advertising. Bathing suits are made to be more and more revealing. Bras that are not padded risk one's nipples showing through one's shirt. I don't want to feel this way. I mean, I have triple D's. I hate being sexualized. I hate that I can't wear button downs without a camisole because the buttons will pop out. I hate that the shirts and dresses I buy all have to go up a size to compensate for my breast size, resulting in me looking boxy and baggy. But I'm not about to get a double mastectomy over it. I'm not going to let the medical industry profit from my malaise. Instead, I'm grateful for my body the way it is. And maybe I'm privileged for that. But it also took a lot of work to get to this place of acceptance and occasional tolerance.
You don't have to like your body, you don't have to like that others make your world unsafe. But why is it your body that you have to change?
Perhaps because Oakley and others want to experience gender euphoria. Amid my critiques, I am pleasantly surprised about their discussion of euphoria over dysphoria. I completely agree with their point that so many people look at the negative aspects. We all have to create joy where we can find it. Unfortunately, I am a hater, and think that joy must be critiqued. But I am still glad about their choice to include this topic and not include the other.
Gender Euphoria is defined as "Positive, personal reactions to one's gender being recognized and respected." Later, Oakley also uses the word "affirmed". However, when discussing where this feeling comes from, Oakley has created an itemized list including not boxing one's self in, seeking inspiration, being kind to one's self, standing up for one's self, and finding/utilizing affirming spaces to name a few. The original definition given to us in the beginning of the book appears to be externally given. It is through other people in which the recipient feels euphoria. Others perceive your gender correctly, and you are happy. But the ways in which Oakley finds this feeling seems to come instead through authenticity, which I find is a much more realistic and understandable way of navigating one's self.
It is just so incredibly interesting to me to see these definitions defined as the crux of this book's language and to see it so differently. Originally these words are defined as observational to the person, but they are later expanded upon as authentic means of expression. Yet it seems that gender is only worth authenticity, expression, and style if there is someone to see them.
Again, I did enjoy the conversational aspects of this book. I also enjoy that Oakley Phoenix is so open to inviting these conversations. They truly seem like such a happy and enthusiastic person, and I honestly wish them nothing but the best. It's just that a lot of the book doesn't add up to me as someone who has spent lots of time thinking critically about the gender movement, feminism, and similar ideologies. I think a little more time fleshing out these ideas to make them consistent would have made this a better read for me, but again I must remind myself that this is a 102 guide and not a capstone project.
However...
There's a lot of inconsistencies that I think are standard in this community that are never addressed. Perhaps I shouldn't be overly critical, as the title obviously states that this is a 102 guide--maybe these critiques are best reserved for a 301 guide. Alas, here we go.
Let's begin with the definition of AFAB (Assigned Female at Birth): "Designates a person assigned female from a person assigned male or intersex." This is interesting that this is a separate category from intersex...as this term comes from the intersex community. When doctors view a newborn as having indeterminate genitalia, doctors will "assign" a sex, usually through some type of surgical intervention. Sometimes the parents know, sometimes they do not. Often times, the intersex children do not learn of this until much later in life. Yes, doctors do observe genitalia and announce, "It's a girl!" (the conflation of gender + sex notwithstanding), but that is an observation, not a medical assignation.
This is juxtaposed by the definition of Female: "An individual who identifies as female." And we come to circular logic here--if one is assigned female at birth, and female is anyone who identifies as female...should AFAB then mean "Assigned as someone who identifies as female at birth?" Whoof, that's not as nice of an acronym. But, perhaps we can see the problem. How can one be both assigned as female and identify as female? It seems that perhaps we are better off maintaining the distinction between sex and gender as it was commonplace to do not even a decade ago rather than conflating the two. I can identify as a redhead, but that doesn't mean that my dyed hair is proof that I am one. You dig?
We are also privy to the definition of Top Surgery: "Removal of excess, unwanted breast tissue." I'd like to call it what it really is, which is a double mastectomy. Double mastectomies are typically reserved for when breast tissue is cancerous or when someone has a high risk of breast cancer (which can affect anyone). So...to me it's kind of strange to just get rid of a literal, physical part of you because you don't want it. But I'm also pretty against any sort of elective surgery, and this is a wholly different conversation. My main critique is that top surgery = double mastectomy and we should refer to it for what it is.
Next is the way we are offered the definition of Gender Expression throughout the course of this book. In the glossary, we read that it is "how an individual communicates their gender." Oakley later states, in a controlled interview with an enthusiastic and curious reader (a rather cute and friendly idea, I do have to admit!), "You also picked up on how externalized my gender is. My gender and my outfits go hand in hand, which isn't a universal experience by any means." I'm glad that Oakley added the modifier at the end there, because that is something often forced upon women in particular (hello, make-up, high heels, and flimsy clothing). It seems then, that Oakley's gender is largely inherent upon their outfit of the day, that it's "external". For me, and many other women, our gender isn't necessarily external. We wear highly feminine things because we're taught to, but that doesn't mean butch women are any less women. But this also doesn't mean that I'm any less of a woman when nobody is watching. It doesn't mean I'm less of a woman when I'm in my comfy cozies all alone.
If Oakley's gender seems to depend on their personal style, then what gender are they when nobody is looking at them? I'm sure Oakley of course would still identify as transmasculine non-binary, but honestly...who cares when nobody is there to see them? Oakley later goes on to explain that their gender expression also depends on time and place, which again just seems like dressing up for any given day's itinerary. It just seems to me that the way in which they define and explore the term gender expression they get closer and closer to realizing that gender expression is just your personality and your personal style.
In an "interview" with the reader, Oakley discusses their privilege at being able to access and pay for hormone therapy and getting a double mastectomy. Oakley states "...having top surgery unlocked a number of big and little things that I simply couldn't do or couldn't feel safe doing before." While I am glad that Oakley feels more comfortable in their body and feel that they have more freedom, I would really love to see Oakley push their understanding further. Why didn't Oakley feel safe? Who made Oakley feel threatened? If one's body does not grant freedom to that person, is it really their body or is it society? Who or what is preventing Oakley from feeling safe?
Also, and as another aside, I would love to also feel safe in my body. I can only assume--perhaps correctly, perhaps incorrectly--that this safety must come from the sexualization of female bodies. Shirts and dresses accentuate breasts, which are sexualized thanks to pornography and Victoria's Secret, and advertising. Bathing suits are made to be more and more revealing. Bras that are not padded risk one's nipples showing through one's shirt. I don't want to feel this way. I mean, I have triple D's. I hate being sexualized. I hate that I can't wear button downs without a camisole because the buttons will pop out. I hate that the shirts and dresses I buy all have to go up a size to compensate for my breast size, resulting in me looking boxy and baggy. But I'm not about to get a double mastectomy over it. I'm not going to let the medical industry profit from my malaise. Instead, I'm grateful for my body the way it is. And maybe I'm privileged for that. But it also took a lot of work to get to this place of acceptance and occasional tolerance.
You don't have to like your body, you don't have to like that others make your world unsafe. But why is it your body that you have to change?
Perhaps because Oakley and others want to experience gender euphoria. Amid my critiques, I am pleasantly surprised about their discussion of euphoria over dysphoria. I completely agree with their point that so many people look at the negative aspects. We all have to create joy where we can find it. Unfortunately, I am a hater, and think that joy must be critiqued. But I am still glad about their choice to include this topic and not include the other.
Gender Euphoria is defined as "Positive, personal reactions to one's gender being recognized and respected." Later, Oakley also uses the word "affirmed". However, when discussing where this feeling comes from, Oakley has created an itemized list including not boxing one's self in, seeking inspiration, being kind to one's self, standing up for one's self, and finding/utilizing affirming spaces to name a few. The original definition given to us in the beginning of the book appears to be externally given. It is through other people in which the recipient feels euphoria. Others perceive your gender correctly, and you are happy. But the ways in which Oakley finds this feeling seems to come instead through authenticity, which I find is a much more realistic and understandable way of navigating one's self.
It is just so incredibly interesting to me to see these definitions defined as the crux of this book's language and to see it so differently. Originally these words are defined as observational to the person, but they are later expanded upon as authentic means of expression. Yet it seems that gender is only worth authenticity, expression, and style if there is someone to see them.
Again, I did enjoy the conversational aspects of this book. I also enjoy that Oakley Phoenix is so open to inviting these conversations. They truly seem like such a happy and enthusiastic person, and I honestly wish them nothing but the best. It's just that a lot of the book doesn't add up to me as someone who has spent lots of time thinking critically about the gender movement, feminism, and similar ideologies. I think a little more time fleshing out these ideas to make them consistent would have made this a better read for me, but again I must remind myself that this is a 102 guide and not a capstone project.
August 26, 2022
I learned a lot from this book. As a cisgender female, I, and many of my friends, have non-binary friends and relatives whom we love dearly. There is no way that we would deliberately hurt them in any way, and Oakley Phoenix gives us lots of tips on how to avoid this. The one thing that really bothers me is the use of plural pronouns as a substitute for singular identities. I will try to get used to it, but it's going to take a paradigm shift in societal thinking to bring that one about. How about inventing new terms for all of us regardless of gender? Then we can keep "they them theirs" for all of us too. Works for me.
June 7, 2023
I really enjoyed the gender friend, I think it’s an excellent start it’s patient and sweet and an easy read. I recommend 🏳️⚧️💗💗💗
Read
October 20, 2023a workbook for boomers
July 19, 2022
I absolutely loved this book! Thank you to netgalley and the publishers for letting me have an advanced copy. This book is so accessible in the language and is also kind. Kind not just to transgender, gender nonconforming, and nonbinary folks (TGNCNB for short) but also to loved ones wanting to support their TGNCNB loved ones. I can't stress enough I can see someone really trying but it's not always easy. If someone is truly trying and caring I don't want them to feel like it doesn't matter or that they are awful if they mess up. Mistakes happen. Trying is what matters and you'll get there. I am a nonbinary trans person and it's generally easy to tell who cares and is trying versus the ones that aren't. This book is like a hug from a kind friend. It explains gender related thing, answer questions, etc. I am going to have to buy this book when it comes out so I can give it to loved ones. :)
August 4, 2022
I read this enlightening book as a way of educating myself, not only for my job in social services but also in my role as a mother.
I found Oakley’s tone to be friendly and non judgmental throughout, they don’t at any point claim to be an expert in all things gender but do a brilliant job at helping us understand the terminology and sharing their own story.
Would recommend to all
I found Oakley’s tone to be friendly and non judgmental throughout, they don’t at any point claim to be an expert in all things gender but do a brilliant job at helping us understand the terminology and sharing their own story.
Would recommend to all
August 29, 2022
Such an informative read! As a cis individual, I went into this book as a way to inform and educate myself so I can be a better ally! It’s also been really helpful so that I can inform older family members (more set in their ways) on how to address and respect other peoples gender!
I really enjoyed the questions and diary/self reflection on gender and has broadened my knowledge and perspective on all things gender-related! I do wish I had the ARC as a physical copy so that I could write in my answers and enjoy those aspects of the book fully.
The Gender Friend is a great and accessible source, wrote in an easy to understand way. And the do’s and don’t’s were well spelled out!
Thanks to NetGalley and the publishers Jessica Kingsley Publishers for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
I really enjoyed the questions and diary/self reflection on gender and has broadened my knowledge and perspective on all things gender-related! I do wish I had the ARC as a physical copy so that I could write in my answers and enjoy those aspects of the book fully.
The Gender Friend is a great and accessible source, wrote in an easy to understand way. And the do’s and don’t’s were well spelled out!
Thanks to NetGalley and the publishers Jessica Kingsley Publishers for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
November 4, 2022
Really informative and easy to read. You learn a lot about trans identities, and especially Oak's personal experiences. I really like how he mentions negative/difficult moments in their gender discovery, coming out, transition, etc. in an informative way while at the same time in a very hopeful and positive tone. As somebody else said in their review, he doesn't claim to be an expert or shame those who aren't familiar with certain concepts or terms; quite the opposite! It also includes activities, scenarios, dialogue, a glossary of terms related to gender, tips on one's own gender discovery, tips on a loved one's experiences with gender, and much more!
October 2, 2022
4.5
I thought this was a wonderful introduction and helpful guide to being transgender/non-binary for both trans and enby people themselves but also to allies. It was engaging, written in an easily digestible way but still contained enough information to perform well as a starting point to web off into other resources (many of which provided within this book). Absolutely recommend if you don’t know where to start and need somewhere to go.
Also, thank you to Netgalley for the review copy!
I thought this was a wonderful introduction and helpful guide to being transgender/non-binary for both trans and enby people themselves but also to allies. It was engaging, written in an easily digestible way but still contained enough information to perform well as a starting point to web off into other resources (many of which provided within this book). Absolutely recommend if you don’t know where to start and need somewhere to go.
Also, thank you to Netgalley for the review copy!
July 12, 2022
I loved the way Oakley Phoenix structured this book. It was inviting, non-judge mental, and educational. Adding reflection questions and space to write the answers was a great touch. I appreciated how they added their pictures throughout the book as well. I think more design could benefit the book…as in make the pages look like a journal. Give it a little spice!
March 29, 2023
I don't think I really learned anything new but... as suggested by the title, it was a bit like spending some time with at the student coop at university, chatting about gender and being non-binary. Nothing too deep (it is a 101 guide after all), but still a good way to engage with the topic. I enjoyed the "exercise" parts with suggested questions.
December 19, 2022
i got this book for my parents. i think it’ll be good for them to have a sort of “reference”
April 30, 2023
Gender journeys aren't linear. Oakley tells about some of their journey as a non binary / male.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews