How We Live Is How We Die

by Pema Chödrön

Discover newfound freedom in life’s ever-constant flow of endings and beginnings with the wise words of Pema Chödrön, beloved Buddhist nun and bestselling author of When Things Fall Apart

As much as we might try to resist, endings happen in every moment—the end of a breath, the end of a day, the end of a relationship, and ultimately the end of life. And accompanying each ending is a beginning, though it may be unclear what the beginning holds. In How We Live Is How We Die, Pema Chödrön shares her wisdom for working with this flow of life—learning to live with ease, joy, and compassion through uncertainty, embracing new beginnings, and ultimately preparing for death with curiosity and openness rather than fear.
 
Poignant for readers of all ages, her teachings on the bardos—a Tibetan term referring to a state of transition, including what happens between this life and the next—reveal their power and relevance at each moment of our lives. She also offers practical methods for transforming life’s most challenging emotions about change and uncertainty into a path of awakening and love. As she teaches, the more freedom we can find in our hearts and minds as we live this life, the more fearlessly we’ll be able to confront death and what lies beyond. In all, Pema provides readers with a master course in living life fully and compassionately in the shadow of death and change.
 

Genres: Nonfiction, Buddhism, Spirituality, Philosophy, Self Help, Death, Religion

233 pages, Kindle Edition

Published October 4, 2022

About the author

Ani Pema Chödrön (Deirdre Blomfield-Brown) is an American Buddhist nun in the Tibetan tradition, closely associated with the Kagyu school and the Shambhala lineage.

She attended Miss Porter's School in Connecticut and graduated from the University of California at Berkeley. She taught as an elementary school teacher for many years in both New Mexico and California. Pema has two children and three grandchildren.

While in her mid-thirties, she traveled to the French Alps and encountered Lama Chime Rinpoche, with whom she studied for several years. She became a novice nun in 1974 while studying with Lama Chime in London. His Holiness the Sixteenth Karmapa came to England at that time, and Ani Pema received her ordination from him.

Ani Pema first met her root guru, Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, in 1972. Lama Chime encouraged her to work with Trungpa, and it was with him that she ultimately made her most profound connection, studying with him from 1974 until his death in 1987. At the request of the Sixteenth Karmapa, she received the full bikshuni ordination in the Chinese lineage of Buddhism in 1981 in Hong Kong.

Ani Pema served as the director of the Karma Dzong, in Boulder, CO, until moving in 1984 to rural Cape Breton, Nova Scotia to be the director of Gampo Abbey. Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche gave her explicit instructions on establishing this monastery for western monks and nuns.

Ani Pema currently teaches in the United States and Canada and plans for an increased amount of time in solitary retreat under the guidance of Venerable Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche.

Reviews

[William2 · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's good to know something of Mahayana Buddhists' worldview. Turns out their afterlife is far more phantasmagoric than that of its monotheistic counterparts. Like the latter's soul though, the Mahayana Buddhists believe in a form of post-death consciousness called mind. The Tibetan Book of the Dead has been available to me for years, but I've never made sense of it. As usual, author Chödrön distills the complexity down to a few cogent chapters. That's a gift I prize. I think Chödrön's best text for those new to Buddhism is Start Where You Are. Let me also suggest Suzuki Roshi's Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind.

[Margot · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book sets out to do exactly what the title states - to show how we live is how we die -- and by realizing that, we can meet death with less fear and more presence. We can live that way, too. Chodron draws from the teachings of Tibetan Book of the Dead to illustrate the transience of life (how we experience multiple deaths daily) and what happens after our physical body dies (what happens when you wake up in the bardo). Although I am not a practicing Buddhist, as a mental health counsellor, I I still found much to learn from Chodron's book. She describes how emotions are the path to awakening and gives some concrete practices to help work with our emotions. I appreciated her breakdown of the various 'kleshas' (states of mind like anger, craving, jealousy) that trap us and the wisdom that they can also hold. She also provides some meditations at the end. There were sections in the book that took deeper dives into Buddhist philosophy that were beyond my comprehension and interest. All to say that I feel both non-Buddhists and practicing Buddhists alike can find wisdom in this book. Thank you to Netgalley and Shambala Publications for the ARC.

[Miriam Hall · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very useful book, which turns teachings around bardos and Buddha families into contexts many white middle class western Buddhists (includes me!) and those curious about the dharma would understand.

Over the years, I’ve maintained a lot of respect for Pema’s work - to do just what I described. And, also, my need for dharma not just oriented toward self liberation but also communal liberation has increased. So it’s a five star book for Pema, but four stars for me.

[Debbi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another lovely book from Pema Chodron. I listened to the audiobook and although the narrator is excellent nothing compares to hearing the author read her own words. I will definitely purchase a print copy.

[Kelly_Reads_Books · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very insightful book that is very easy to read and implement it’s offering and use it’s guidance in your everyday life.
Pema Chödrön offers us her knowledge, helping us to be our best selves, showing us there is a beautiful way to live and to die.
This is a book that can be read over and over again and each reading will enlighten us to something new, something that we didn’t need when we read it the first time but resonates with us this time.
Highly recommend this book

[Signe · Rating 3 out of 5]

I take issue with the title and recognize Ani Pema prob didn't even choose it but her Shambhala editor did.

I live fighting every day for care, against discrimination, in tribunals for human rights and LL-T cases. I will NOT die fighting, I will see it as a great, well-earned adventure. I will not die as I have lived, except with the same noble heart-- the refuge name Ani Pema gave me.

This is tied into another thing I take issue with, which is Ani Pema saying that what we should wish for in rebirth is "what we have right now". No. Just No.

Dear Ani, what YOU have and have had for decades is very different from what others have experienced. When you were ill (and afterward), people lined up to wash your underwear, make you your special tea (which you don't even finish, but that others aren't supposed to touch), juice carrots for you every morning, and cook your organic chicken when nobody else gets to eat organic, and no chicken is allowed. You have had Ani Migme transcribe all your talks into the books that people think you write. As you've said, nobody challenges you because of your position. You have taken me away from trying to scrounge up lunch for myself to get on the computer to email Shambhala for you about a forward to a book you were writing; you couldn't even wait 20 minutes for me to eat. I succumbed to your shenpa :)

Listen, when you are extremely ill, with not enough care or help, you lose your precious human rebirth, even though you may be existing in the human realm. I understand that is not your experience, but you are a little out of touch with reality in this respect. I have had to rewind every section of this book at least 10x to try to understand it or because I've gone unresponsive trying to listen to it. The result has been choppier than it should have been, with parts missed, and the flow obliterated. I am not always living in the human realm, though I have a body existing here, and that is the experience of many other people that I know. They cannot move out of bed, or think. They have nobody to prepare meals, do their laundry, or be their secretary to leave them the time, resources, and brain capacity to practice the dharma. They have no sangha because when you get too ill, even the sangha ditches you. I realize that you don't see these people because only healthy or healthy-enough people are allowed on retreat, but they exist. SOme are trying to listen to your book right now.

I realize this has been a tangent regarding ableism and privilege more than a critique of the book - but it really must be said.

Also, speaking of death, I think there should be a chapter on Medical Aid in Dying. I know no Buddhist teacher wants to touch this topic with a 10-foot pole, but it's happening and we need to start a discussion about it to assist those people it's happening for. Exclusivity or ignorance is not the answer. Remember the yogini Machig Labdrön's instructions that you based a whole book upon -- Go to the places that scare you. Much love.

[Artemisia Hunt · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I were to name someone as my spiritual teacher, it would most definitely be Buddhist nun Pema Chodron. I’ve read her books and listened to her workshops for over 30 years and I was also fortunate enough to see Chodron speak in person a few years back. Through all these years, it seems like with each new offering she just goes deeper into her understanding of Buddhist teachings and precepts as she relates this wisdom concisely and with a perfect clarity. And while some of the same concepts have often been repeated over her many years as a teacher of the dharma, she never fails to explore new angles in even deeper ways. In this book, Chodron covers the Buddhist esoteric teachings on the bardo taken from the Tibetan Book of the Dead, originally written in the 8th Century. As she states from the beginning, she is talking with us about our fear of death and how we can prepare ourselves for a “ good death” while we are still very much alive. Somehow, Chodron manages to make what could surely be seen as an uncomfortable subject into a very matter of fact, if not even positive discussion. And that’s the magic of this woman’s teaching. She takes away so much of the mystery and even strangeness of these ancient works and makes them relatable, accessible and even reassuring to modern day Western seekers.

[Stephanie Barko]

This is the October 2023 selection of South Austin Spiritual Book Group.

[Kamakana · Rating 4 out of 5]

230307: having read several books by pema chodron in short period, themes are particularly familiar, writing consistently clear, concise, comic when needed, she certainly has my attention. do not know if she is considered too 'new age' or 'buddhist modernism' as she refers to texts of some history, events of some immediacy, makes few if any claims uniting science as westerners know it with buddhist claims of 'science'. heartening suggestion 'scientific reductionism' or 'scientism' is not the only way to appreciate truths of our world...

title reflects personal estimation that reincarnation need not be life to life (through the bardo) but moment to moment, that we are life and death embraced, continuum, that living is not made meaningful by death (Heidegger) but that living and death are emptiness (Buddha), that emotional anxieties (klesha) can be seen as positive in reminding us, for example, towards sympathy for others...

[Nicole Dee · Rating 5 out of 5]

become more curious than afraid 💫

[Isaiah Postenrieder · Rating 5 out of 5]

“What you seek is already yours.” A loving guide to look towards death, and all of life, with compassion and warmth.

[Iona Stewart · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read and reviewed at least one other book by this author.

We learn in the introduction that the Buddha taught us that focusing too much on our own self-interest brings us pain and anxiety while extending our love and care toward others brings us joy and peace.

But the teachings in the book deal with the bardos. The word “bardo” refers to the passage following our death and preceding our next life.

The bardo teachings are based on an ancient Tibetan text called “Bardo Todrol”, in English “The Tibetan Book of the Dead”.

Bardo Todrol is meant to be read to those who have passed away and entered this state.

It describes the various experiences the dead person will go through and thus serves as a guide to help them navigate what may be a “disorienting” journey from this life to the next.

Hearing the Bardo Todrol “will optimize one’s chances for a peaceful death, a peaceful journey, and favorable rebirth”.

In the best-case scenario one will be liberated altogether from samsara , the painful cycle of life and death.”

A broader translation of the word “bardo” is “transition”. Actually, we are always in transition.

There are six bardos in The Tibetan Book of the Dead; the natural bardo of this life, the bardo of dreaming, the bardo of meditation, the bardo of dying, the bardo of dharmata, and the bardo of becoming.

When we understand that this life is a bardo, a state of continual change, we will be able to face any other bardos that may arise.

The bardo of dying begins when we realize we’re going to die and lasts until our final breath, Then comes the bardo of dharmata, which means “the true nature of phenomena”; then there is the bardo of becoming during which we make the transition to our next life.

In the present book Pema talks about these three bardos in detail.

The book is about fear of death and how we relate to it.

Pema wants us to become more at ease with death.

Opening to death will help you open to life.

She tells us that death happens every moment. “We live in a wondrous flow of birth and death, birth and death.”

Establishing our motivation in this way is known as “generating bodhichitta, the heart of compassion, or the mindset of awakening”.

There is a continual process of death and renewal, which is known as “impermanence”.

The Buddha stressed impermanence as one of the most important “contemplations” on the spiritual path.

“Contemplating impermanence is the perfect way into the Bardo teachings,”

The Buddha taught about the three types of suffering.

The first type is “the suffering of suffering”, e.g. war, starvation, abuse, neglect.

The seconf type is “the suffering of change”, We can never get our life to be just the way we want; we can never reach a position where we’re always feeling good.

The third type of suffering is known as “all-pervasive suffering”. It is the constant discomfort that comes from our basic resistance to life as it really is.

(This is my own type of suffering.)

Trungpa Rinpoche had a saying “Trust not in success. Trust in reality.”

Pema also quotes Thich Nhat Hanh as saying “It’s not impermanence that makes us suffer. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not.”

She often refers to “groundlessness”. I just wished she had defined the word, since I don’t really understand what she means. The word does not appear in the Oxford English Dictionary.

It is Pema’s experience that applying the Bardo teachings has removed much of her fear and anxiety about death.

Also, it has made her feel more alive, open and courageous in her day-to-day experience of life.

In the appendix we learn about various practices – basic sitting meditation, meditating with open awareness, tonglen and the five Buddha families.

The above will give you an impression of the content of the book.

It didn’t make me less afraid of death because I'm not afraid of it to begin with. If anything, it made me feel that death is more complicated than I had thought.

[Chantal Côté · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is all about boudhism teachings.

I learned a new technique about how to cope with emotions and plan on using it in my daily routine. That in itself made it a great book!

It is always relevant to be reminded to embrace changes as life s all about impermanence.

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for granting me a complimentary e-arc in exchange for my honest review.

[Zosia · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Imagine if you could trust that you are not a threat to yourself, that you are here to help yourself."


Time with Pema is always time well spent. A slightly different twist on her usual stuff, with a focus on bardo and death, which is something I needed to hear right now. I had a resolution of Choose Life this year (TM Trainspotting, not TM, like, anti-abortion), and maybe what this is telling me is I need to make peace with death instead.

[Paula · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read Pema Chödrön's classic book "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times many years ago and periodically dip back into her teachings. This book is not just about death, but a reminder that endings happen in every moment of our lives; not just traumatically but mundanely as well, and each ending can be seen as a beginning. How can we learn to live with ease and compassion with these flows in life? Some of my big take aways: *Lack of awareness is what gives our emotions their power-an unnoticed ember can become a raging fire. *Recognizing our pre-existing propensities (thought patterns and behaviors) can help us respond to ‘triggers’ in ways that don’t create more suffering. *Recognizing that what we feel in any moment is being felt by millions of other at the exact moment-this sameness can connect us with shared empathy/understanding. I'm not a Buddhist but so many of the teachings are universal and the lessons can be life changing as they focus on cultivating awareness, practicing compassion and generosity, and reducing suffering.

[Naomi · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a useful book for getting more familiar with Buddhism and different ways to understand the human condition. I was mostly curious about it because of the main premise--that we can learn to fear death less if we accept that nothing is static, everything is always changing, and the goal of living a secure, controlled life is our society's great lie. I was also getting a bit bewildered with the importance of defining your personality traits according to the kleshas. I think it can be a fun exercise, along the lines of astrology, but maybe a bit too reductive. For my interest-level and experience, it went way overboard into the stages of afterlife, and I found myself glazing over and wondering what steps in the journey toward acceptance of death are possible if you don't believe any of that?

[Teri Brogden · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not my favorite Pema Chodron book. Parts were good but parts were a lot of name dropping of people I only vaguely know who they are. This book is obviously for people who follow the Mahayanan tradition. A lot of talk of "Buddhist families." I would have been better off with analogies and descriptions because those names meant nothing to me. A lot of points could have been better made. It just struck me as the author trying to impress someone, like maybe a respected teacher or... I don't even know. It just wasn't for me, although I wanted to love it because parts really did make me think.

[Catherine Wicker · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pema Chodron does a beautiful job explaining Buddhist teachings about how we live. As someone that has faced death and looking at how people think about dying (which everyone will do) this is a beautiful book. It gives the reader thought provoking messages about how one can live a welcoming and open life to death.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

The reader definitely needs to keep an open mind coming into this book. It is full of little bits of awesome you just have to be in the right mindset to see them for yourself.

[Sophie Lippert · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pema Chodron continues to be one of the humans whose words I find most inspiring, consoling, illuminating, and supportive for guiding me toward living a life of intentionality, mindfulness, and grace. Things get a little more mystical and esoteric here than in most of her previous publications, and she tackles not only techniques for living, but also for death—and the journey from one lifetime to the next. I don’t ascribe to all of the ideas introduced, but I loved, loved, loved the way each chapter invited me to consider what we can do, NOW, to create more ease and to unshackle us from attachments to behaviors, thought patterns, etc that keep us from living with full presence and heart. So many gems of concepts that I will continue to revisit.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

By awakening in th Bardo of living we can be prepared for the process of dying and death itself. With references to our propensities, the kleyshas and the six realms, we can pepare for death and for what might be awaiting us in the bardos after our transition. Also the act of dying and what the Tibetan Buddhists believe will happen. This is available to all of us who are striving to awaken.
For those not familiar, there is description of Tonglen meditation, and also some interesting charts and illustrations.
I found it extremely interesting as someone who has some foundation in Buddhism. As it goes well beyond meditation and mindfulness, it might be a bit too esoteric for those beginning their spiritual journey 🙏. However being awakened in this life is something we should all aspire to so that our death, and the deaths of our friends and loved ones can be approached with love and acceptance.

[Jenny Wiik]

I’m not rating this book. I enjoyed reading it though, and it might be one of the few books I will read again, even several times. Death has been on my mind a lot lately, and I bought this book specifically with a need to process feelings about death and dying, but also aging and illness. Just reading already felt helpful, a relief from anxiety and tension. So I definitely recommend it to anyone, regardless of religious beliefs or background. Even if you don’t believe or understand the idea of reincarnation or the buddhist ideas of the Bardo, many things about these teachings feel true, or at least soothing.

The writing is simple and clear, with a strong feeling of humanity and caring.

[Ml Lalonde · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wise and profound teachings on life and death by beloved Buddhist nun Pema Chodron. She has a way of making the most esoteric Tibetan concepts understandable to the North American mind. One of my favourite stories in the book involves the time her three teenage children were invited to meet her teacher, His Holiness the Sixteenth Karmapa. Chodron asked the Karmapa, a large and imposing man, to say something meaningful to them, even if they didn’t identify as Buddhist. The Karmapa didn’t miss a beat, looked at them intensely and said: “You are going to die. And you won’t take anything with you but your state of mind.” The rest of the book is as blunt as that in giving us lessons, practical tools, exercises and meditations to wake up, not squander our lives, and prepare our minds for the inevitability of our own death.

[Rachel Cook · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book had a lot of uplifting and insightful information. I think it’s always good to reflect on our feelings around death, especially in a society that likes to pretend death doesn’t exist. There were some parts that were a little in the weeds on Tibetan Buddhism which I enjoy learning about but ultimately read like any other organized religion to me. Still, I will take a lot of wisdom from this book and try to apply it to my life (and death)!

[Elizabeth Schlatter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. Very wise and accessible -- not surprising coming from Chodron. Although, it's my first book about the bardos, so that part was a bit confusing only because they are new to me. Otherwise it's great. I read a hardcopy and listened to an audiobook in the evenings. The audiobook is read by a woman with a British accent which put me to sleep within 10 minutes. So that was a bonus!

[Gayle · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has made me realize that I have not thought very much about death. I have thought a lot about suicide and despair and the idea of no longer being alive but not death itself and especially not death as a counterpart to life. Also it has given me pathways to discoveries about myself and how I relate to the world and the other people in it.

[Kathleen Flynn]

I am a fan of Pema Chodron, who has a knack for explaining complex Buddhist ideas in simple yet captivating ways. Since my knowledge of Buddhism is pretty basic, this book, with its wonderful, evocative title, was just right.

It's given me a lot to think about.

[PWQ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pema is amazing as always. I finished this book and immediately wanted to reread it because it is so filled with wisdom.

[Carmen · Rating 4 out of 5]

a calming voice in a time of grief for a loved one and gratitude for the gift of life.

[Karin Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

a new classic on the bardo teachings - clear, pithy and accessible. Thank you Ani Pema!