The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome

by Harriet B. Braiker

What's wrong with being a people pleaser? Plenty!

People pleasers are not just nice people who go overboard trying to make everyone happy. Those who suffer from the Disease to Please are people who say "Yes" when they really want to say "No." For them, the uncontrollable need for the elusive approval of others is an addiction. Their debilitating fears of anger and confrontation force them to use "niceness" and "people-pleasing" as self-defense camouflage.

Featured on NBC's "Today," The Disease to Please explodes the dangerous myth that "people pleasing" is a benign problem. Best-selling author and frequent Oprah guest Dr. Harriet Braiker offers clear, positive, practical, and easily do-able steps toward recovery.

Begin with a simple but revealing quiz to discover what type of people-pleaser you are. Then learn how making even small changes to any single portion of the Disease to Please Triangle - involving your thoughts, feelings, and behavior - will cause a dramatic, positive and long-lasting change to the overall syndrome.

As a recovered peoplepleaser, you will finally see that a balanced way of living that takes others into consideration but puts the emphasis first on pleasing yourself and gaining your own approval is the clearest path to health and happiness.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Audiobook, Mental Health, Personal Development, Personal Growth

285 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2000

About the author

Dr. Braiker was a practicing clinical psychologist and management consultant in Los Angeles/Beverly Hills and Pasadena, California, for more than 25 years. The author of many highly successful popular psychology books, she also authored numerous scholarly award-winning research books and other academic publications. Dr. Braiker was an internationally recognized authority on stress and women's issues who was always in great demand as a public speaker. She was a contributing editor and columnist for Working Woman and Lear's, and also wrote for many other national women's magazines. Frequently quoted in the media, Dr. Braiker appeared many times on such national talk shows as Oprah, The Today Show, Larry King, Live with Regis and Kathy Lee, Hour Magazine and Sonya Live, as well as on hard news shows such as NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw and CNN.

Reviews

[Tamila · Rating 5 out of 5]

من ترجمه فارسی این کتاب ،مهرطلبی، را ایران خوانده بودم. یکی از کتابهایی بود که چشم من را به مشکلات درونی خودم باز کرده بود . بعد از مهاجرت دوباره خواندم که توصیه های نویسنده را فراموش نکنم. این کتاب را به کسانیکه درگیر این مشکل هستند خیلی پیشنهاد میکنم. به نظرم‌ پدر و مادرها هم باید بخوانند که یادشان باشه که هر جمله آنها چه تاثیری روی فرزندان داره. این نویسنده کتاب دیگری با عنوان ”اختیار شما در دست کیست؟” هم داره که خواندن‌آن هم خالی از لطف نیست.

[Jill · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed my life. I would recommend it to any who grew up Catholic & Guilty.

[Mohammad · Rating 3 out of 5]

شاید فکر کنیم که با به دست آوردن تایید، تصدیق، تمجید و یا خوشنود کردن دیگران بتونیم محبت و احترام اونها رو به خودمون زیاد کنیم و شاید از ایجاد بعضی از مشکلات جلوگیری کنیم. اما این کار در واقع نه تنها این هدف رو تامین نمی کنه، بلکه برعکس باعث می شه تا بعد از مدتی احترام خودمون رو از دست بدیم و برای فرد مقابل پیش پا افتاده و بی اهمیت بشیم.
مرزبندی مشخص بین رفتار قابل قبول و غیر قابل قبول و داشتن اراده لازم برای اعتراض و مقابله در صورت رد شدن طرف از این مرز و البته استقلال فکری و متکی بودن به خودمون راه درمان این مشکله. این که فکر کنیم شادی و خوشحالی ما وابسته به تایید و رضایت دیگرانه، در حقیقت پشت پا زدن به زندگی خودمونه. و البته خیلی ها تلاش می کنن تا طوری به ما وانمود کنن که بدون اونها و یا بدون تایید و تصدیق اونها زندگی ما چیزی کم داره. شفافیت توی تعیین ارزشهامون و پیدا کردن شهامت نه گفتن در صورت نیاز و حتا مواجهه با موقعیت های ناخوشایند و یا درگیر شدن برای حفظ تمامیت جسمی و فکری و روانی خودمون برای رها شدن از خشنود کردن دیگران به هزینه خودمون لازمه. نیازی نیست حتما درگیر بشیم، اما نباید به خاطر ترس از ناخشنودی، ناراحتی و جلب رضایت دیگران، مواجهه و رو به رو شدن با طرف مقابل رو کنار بذاریم.
باید یادت باشه که توی زندگی تو، خودت اصلی‌ترین حادثه‌ای.
یک موضوع تصادفی:
وقتی به این کتاب گوش می دادم به الاغ فکر می کردم. خر حیوون خیلی آروم و سر به راهیه و خیلی مفیده و کمک می کنه. اما کسی براش اهمیتی قائل نیست. سخت ترین کارها در برابر بدترین شرایط تغذیه ای و نگهداری و توی خیلی از موارد مورد سوء استفاده واقع شدن، زندگی عادی این حیوونه. اما از طرف دیگه شیر، برای ما محترمه. با اینکه هیچ فایده ای برای ما نداره و البته یک خطر بالقوه برای جان و مال ماست. تفاوت این دو تا توی همون مرزبندی رفتار قابل قبول و غیر قابل قبوله: ما یاد گرفتیم که «با دم شیر بازی نکنیم» در غیر این صورت باید هزینه اش رو پرداخت کنیم که هزینه پایینی هم نیست. اما در مورد خر چنین مرزبندی ای وجود نداره. حیوون تا حد زیادی رفتار ما رو تحمل می کنه؛ یعنی چاره دیگه ای نداره. رفتار آدم ها با بقیه آدم ها هم از همین قانون تبعیت می کنه. به عبارتی مظلوم هم توی ظلم به اندازه ظالم مقصره. باید ایستاد و نه گفت و حاضر بود تا در صورت نیاز بهای اون رو هم بپردازیم. اما اگه یک بار این اتفاق بیافته، نه تنها فرد مقابل، بلکه دیگرانی که با ما مواجه می شن، حد و مرز ما رو به رسمیت می شناسن.

[Zoe · Rating 5 out of 5]

I know this isn't my usual genre and most of my GR buddies won't find the review helpful. I read the book to learn more about the subject and I did. It discusses 3 major types of the so called people pleasers and what conditions them to constantly put others' needs before themselves and finally discusses practical steps one could do to say no when they actually want to. I find the book very helpful and informative. I would recommend the book to anyone who has trouble telling people what they really think due to various reasons discussed in this book.

[George · Rating 5 out of 5]

A surprisingly profound and life-changing read. (Keep in mind, this book is intended for people-pleasers, but I think everyone can learn something from it. Because even if you aren't one, you most likely know and interact with someone who is).

Some of my key takeaways are this:

- Your people-pleasing tendencies are likely the result of traumatic childhood experiences. You should delve into your past, and try to understand what circumstances/situations/events may have influenced your behavior. As a child, you are very vulnerable and sensitive. If you witness or experience conflict around you, then you might become a people-pleaser as a defense-mechanism/coping strategy. Your instincts tell you that your survival depends on the safety/predictably of your environment...so you may put your needs on the back-burner in order to not rock the boat or make yourself a burden on those around you. But these habits carry on into adulthood, when you be living independently and prioritizing your own needs.

- Approval can be like a drug. Seeking approval could develop into an addiction/compulsion, like gambling or drinking alcohol. When the occasional person commends you for your people-pleasing actions, this reinforces your destructive behavior...because it's like a hit of dopamine that drives you to seek more and more to get that feeling.

- Some people may never like you, regardless of what you say or do. So you have to accept that this may be outside of your control.

- If you prioritize other peoples' needs above your own, then you're setting yourself up to get burnt out and resentful.

- Anger is a natural human emotion, and you're not helping yourself by trying to suppress/deny/reject it.

- Conflict is inevitable and healthy. Trying to avoid conflict causes resentment and drags out issues longer than necessary. Conflict management and resolution are essential skills for leading an effective life.

[Behnaz Razban · Rating 5 out of 5]

اگر تمریناتش رو بارها و بارها انجام ندین تقریبا هیچ تاثیری نداره، چون اصول و توصیه‌های گفته شده قطعا فراموش میشن.

[HMS · Rating 4 out of 5]

As I'm reading this, I'm looking around at friends and family, colleagues and acquaintances and seeing the patterns that pop up in this book. It's really interesting: from overworking yourself to an inability to find your own self worth, to separating who you ARE from what you DO. I'm still waiting to see where it takes me and to see if I ever quite get the 'fix'.

OK after the fact: I liked it and found it helpful. Braiker did get around to helpful hints to break the self-destructive cycle. She also writes quite fluently about family dynamics that create this issue and I find myself looking a little more critically at what I do as a parent as well as what I do as a person. I've been able to make a shift to greater self-acceptance and not worry so much about others thoughts and realize that my motives aren't sinister, so I should accept the rub when it comes. I think this really boils down to learning to trust yourself and your judgement.

[Angela Vas · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF AT 64%

The book should be re-titled: The Disease to Please, Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome...In Women!! Why does the author assume only women tend to people-please? There is no mention of an example of a man. How close-minded, unprofessional and inappropriate. Not all women are mats to be stepped upon and not all mats to be stepped upon are women. All people have people-pleasing tendencies, not only women. What a limited viewpoint. Certainly, there is some good advice in this book about the matter at hand and that's why I gave it two stars but I simply could not bear another second of reading about women pleasing men to stop them from leaving them. How disappointing that this book was written by a woman. I am no feminist, at least not the modern, man-hating version, but this pissed me off enough to give up on it halfway which I hate doing to books.

[Mike Morris · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got some good out of it, especially in getting validation of some of the ways my family background contributed to my fear of abandonment, and my feeling that I have to constantly prove myself worthy of friendship. But IMO, the “disease to please” is really the disease of ego clinging and acting out feelings of inadequacy to try to make oneself feel, and appear to be, good. This book gets into that a bit, but never very deeply, in my opinion. You might come away from this book thinking you shouldn’t be generous and put others first sometimes, when really it’s about motives, and being honest with yourself about what you’re hoping to get out your apparent ‘goodness’. I felt the book also promotes myths about “compassion fatigue”, and about adults who were abused as children growing up to abuse their kids. The latter does a disservice to the many, many former abused kids who would never hit or otherwise abuse a child because they understood deeply what that feels like.

[Jonathan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Oh wow, I can't believe I even tried to read this, but I do have to say it came at the recommendation of a highly credible source. I can't say I regret reading it, but I'm happy to not have to deal with the author's unrelenting insistence that all the nice people in the world are suffering from some kind of pathological sickness in need of purification, or healing, or burning at the stake, or whatever. It's not all bad though, as I liked the idea of renewing our ownership of the word 'no', not needing to be nice all the time, and volunteering to take "time-outs" to help others control their anger. I'd really like to try that one sometime.

[Farideh fereydoonian · Rating 5 out of 5]

جز بهترین کتاب های مربوط به حوزه مهرطلبی هستش. علاوه بر اینکه به خوبی مفهوم مهرطلبی رو توضیح میده، یکایک عواملی که منجر به مهرطلبی میشه رو باز میکنه و توی فصل های جدا با مثال توضیح میده. خوندنش میتونه حیرت زنده تون کنه، چون به نکات ریزی اشاره میکنه که دلیل رفتارهای مهرطلبانه رو متوجه بشیم. در اخر هم یه برنامه بیست و یک روزه داره برای کسانی که میخوان مشکلشون رو برطرف کنن. در کل اگر میخواید با این مفهوم عمیق تر و بصورت کامل آشنا بشین این کتاب انتخاب خوبیه

[Jo · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s a perfect book for people who need to work on their perfectionism, setting up boundaries, and dependency. Listening through this book helped me to acknowledge where I am at and what I want for my life. One thing I was so grateful about my “people pleasing disease” was that it gave me to achieve lots of skills and to discover my hidden talents, mostly cooking, playing guitar, and writing songs, which I love enjoying for myself.

[Kimberly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Okay I’ve finished the bulk of this book. I am now on the 21 days of activities but that’s going to take 3 weeks so I’ll update when I finish those.
The book has some good one liners and a lot of heavy hitting concepts. But it is also slightly outdated and there are a few anecdotes that I did not relate to. Overall not bad. I like the quizzes and activities the most.

[Nassim So · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved the last chapter about conflict resolution and the people pleasing behavior that was explained in details and the root causes of it.
Aside from that I think the book mostly talks about the symptoms of people pleasing rather than proposing solutions. I also didn't appreciate that the examples were mainly about women and their marriages and their husbands. These examples were important scenarios to make a point but the examples could be about all kinds people and different kinds of relationships in various environments.

[Aliya · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was a people pleaser and would have panic attacks and actually have health problems from trying to please who don't even care about me. Once I realized that, I am able to breathe and focus on what is important to me, which is my health and disease ( multiple sclerosis ) and my family. Best book ever!

[hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

While it may not be a page-turner, it's nonetheless a practical read for people having issue with over-niceness.

[Ahmed · Rating 5 out of 5]

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?” Hillel, twelfth century.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Called me out just a wee bit (more than a wee bit)

[Beatriz Arous · Rating 5 out of 5]

Síndrome da Boazinha, da psicóloga Harriet Braiker, é um livro que aborda um comportamento que, embora muitas vezes elogiado, pode trazer sérias consequências emocionais: o de ser uma “agradadora compulsiva”.

Gostei muito da leitura porque, além de fundamentar a síndrome dentro da psicologia, a autora traz uma abordagem prática e acessível. Ela não apenas explica o que é a necessidade constante de agradar os outros, mas mostra, com diversos exemplos reais, como esse comportamento se manifesta na vida de muitas mulheres.

Outro ponto forte do livro são as dicas práticas que Harriet oferece. A cada capítulo, ela propõe exercícios, estratégias e pequenas mudanças de atitude, quase como um passo a passo para quem quer sair do modo automático de agradar a todos. Não é só teoria: o livro é construído para quem quer, de fato, transformar sua relação com o próprio valor e com os outros.

Ao longo da leitura, a autora também propõe testes para ajudar a identificar que tipo de agradadora compulsiva você é e o quanto isso impacta sua vida pessoal, profissional e emocional.

Na parte final, Harriet apresenta um guia de 21 dias para mudança de hábitos. Um plano concreto que incentiva a prática diária de novos comportamentos e pensamentos mais saudáveis.

[Robin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first book that I've ever specifically read on people pleasing and I think it is a really great introductive resource. It was well broken down into easily digestible pieces, and easily applicable to a variety of situations. I really appreciated the amount of anecdotes available from people who dealt with this because it really helps solidify the identification of those behaviors coming from actual experiences. I'm really glad that I read this book because it's given me a great jumping off point to help mitigate and correct some behaviors that I've had in my person since childhood, and I am really determined to make that change. Some of the language is still pretty outdated though, and I would love to see this revised with the use of the singular they pronoun. The constant "he-or-she" negotiation is really notably dated, and could be easily changed.

[Kristy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting read. The first half of the book I was pretty undecided about whether I had the disease to please. I do have a hard time saying no to people. As the book went along I came to more and more of the conclusion that I don't have the "disease". It pretty much comes down to your motivation behind doing nice things for others, and I decided mine were ok. :) Even so, there were some good take aways.

[Nastaran Najafi · Rating 5 out of 5]

"The Disease to Please" by Harriet Braiker is a thought-provoking and insightful book that delves into the psychology behind people-pleasing behavior. Braiker explores the root causes of this compulsion to constantly seek approval and validation from others, and offers practical strategies for breaking free from this destructive pattern.

I found the book to be incredibly enlightening and empowering, as it helped me recognize my own people-pleasing tendencies and understand the negative impact they were having on my mental health and relationships. Braiker's writing is clear, engaging, and full of real-life examples that make the concepts easy to relate to.

Overall, "The Disease to Please" is a must-read for anyone who struggles with people-pleasing behavior or wants to better understand the motivations behind it. It offers valuable insights and actionable steps for reclaiming your sense of self-worth and learning to prioritize your own needs and boundaries. I highly recommend this book to anyone looking to break free from the cycle of seeking external validation and approval."

[Bahman Bahman · Rating 2 out of 5]

پرسشنامه ای در این کتاب وجود دارد به نام “آیا با بیماری مهرطلبی رو به رو هستی؟” این پرسشنامه کمک می کند تا به علل و اسباب سندرم بیماری راضی کردن دیگران پی ببرید. با تکمیل این پرسشنامه متوجه می شوید، بیماری مهرطلبی شما ناشی از کدامیک سه ضلع مثلث بیماری راضی کردن می باشد: رفتار وسواسی و اضطرارگونه یا خطای شناختی و یا اجتناب از احساسات منفی است. همه مهرطلب ها در چنین موقعیتی قرار دارند اما به احتمال زیاد یکی از این سه بیشتر در شکل گیری بیماری آنها نقش داشته است.

[Emily Iles · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an interesting read learning about people pleasing behavior. Some of the language feels a little outdated at parts since it’s almost 20 years old, but most of the information remains relevant.

[Kelsey Danahy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful read recommended to me by my therapist. Although overall I feel like this book could have been more condensed, the chapters on navigating conflict were especially helpful and there were plenty of powerful one liners throughout. Approach this one with a take some/leave some mentality!

[bay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant and honest!

[Zosia · Rating 3 out of 5]

(3.5) Sometimes when I can't sleep, I decide I need to figure out what My Deal is and I borrow self-help books from the library. Last week I decided my deal was people pleasing and, well, here we are!

I got some nuggets that worked for me, namely the idea that trying to be a nice person 100% of the time is disingenuous and can turn you into a bad communicator and get you the opposite results you want. And it won't save you from rejection or criticism. That's helpful reframing for me and kind of the kick in the ass I needed.

The book was more geared towards people who have trouble saying no, which is not my thing (I love to say no), but if it's your thing, you'll get even more out of this.

[Jordyn Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was honestly shocked to learn that I am a people pleaser and that this is where a good bit of my anxiety stems from. This book was a great tool in helping me learn more about this psychological challenge. I wish that there had been more diverse examples of people who struggle with people pleasing as I didn’t relate to many very well, but I still found the examples helpful.

[Teronie · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a person who spent a lot my life people pleasing this book was refreshing. It provides great examples

I realized I was a people pleaser when I came across a quote that stated “He who trims himself to suit others soon whittles himself away” the quote hit close to home and made me uneasy. There weren’t any words that spoke so clear to how I felt. I want a shameless people pleaser I had dignity but I was a people pleaser in the way I would put everyone before myself and regret not polluting myself first.

I have gotten much better over time but reding this book made me see many other ways to improve and put myself first.


"The Disease to Please" by Harriet B. Braiker is a self-help book that explores the concept of people-pleasing and the negative effects it can have on our lives. The book provides practical advice and tools to help readers overcome their need to please others and learn to prioritize their own needs and well-being.

Here are some of my takeaways from the book:

1- People-pleasing is a self-defeating behavior: Trying to please everyone all the time is impossible and can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and burnout.

2- The root of people-pleasing is often low self-esteem: People who struggle with people-pleasing often have a deep-seated fear of rejection or a belief that their own needs are not as important as others.

3- Setting boundaries is essential: Learning to say "no" and setting clear boundaries with others is key to overcoming people-pleasing behavior.

4- Practice self-care: Taking care of your own needs, both physical and emotional, is important for overall well-being and can help you feel more confident and less reliant on others for validation.

5- Shift your focus from external validation to internal validation: Learning to value yourself based on your own beliefs and values, rather than seeking constant approval from others, is a crucial step in overcoming people-pleasing behavior.

[Khodam · Rating 5 out of 5]

یکی از منابع دوره
تحلیل رفتار متقابل (Transactional Analysis) یا به اختصار TA 
________________
اگر چه همه‌ی ما در شرایط مختلف، برای خشنود کردن دیگران و تأمین رضایت‌شان، ممکن است کارهایی را بر خلاف میل خود انجام دهیم، اما شکل افراطی این رفتار، می‌تواند روند زندگی عادی ما را مختل کرده و به یک مشکل جدی تبدیل شود.
_______________

این کتاب باید چندین بار خونده و به تمریناتش عمل بشه.

_________________

هزااار باااااار

یکبار برایم نوشتی دوستت دارم
من هزار بار خواندمش !
هزار بار ضربان قلبم بالا گرفت
هزار بار نفس در سینه ام برید
هزار بار در وجودم ریشه کرد
انگار که هزار بار شنیده ام
انگار که هزار بار نوشته ای
یکبار در آغوشت کشیدم
هزار بار خوابش را دیدم !
هزار بار تب کردم
هزار بار آرام گرفتم
انگار که هزار بار در آغوشم بوده ای
تو یکبار دروغ گفتی
من دروغت را هزار بار تکرار کردم
هزار بار رویا ساختم
هزار بار باور کردم
انگار خانه ام را روی آب ساخته باشم
تو یکبارنبودی
من هزاربار دنبالت گشتم
هزار بار خاموش بودی
هزار بار به در بسته خوردم
هزار بار دلم گرفت
انگار که تمام هزارانم را باخته باشم
و اما یکباره در دلم فرو ریختی
و من که تو را هزار بار زندگی کرده بودم
هزار بار مردم
تو همیشه همان یک بودی !
یک دوستی ، یک تب ، یک تجربه ...
و این من بودم که از یک ، هزار ساخته بودم !

( دلنوشته . دکتر شیری )