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Navigating the Messy Middle: A Fiercely Honest and Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women
Roughly 68 million North American women currently grapple with the challenges of midlife, faced with a culture that tells them their “best-before date” has long passed. In Navigating the Messy Middle, Ann Douglas pushes back against this toxic narrative, providing a fierce and unapologetic book for and about midlife women.
In this deeply validating and encouraging book, Douglas interviews well over one hundred women of different backgrounds and identities, sharing their diverse conversations about the complex and intertwined issues that women must grapple with at from family responsibilities to career pivots, health concerns to building community. Readers will find a book that offers practical, evidence-based strategies for thriving at midlife, coupled with compelling first-person stories.
Offering purpose and meaning in a life stage that can otherwise feel out of control, Douglas pushes back against the message that women at midlife are no longer relevant and needed, highlighting the far-reaching economic, political and social impacts of these messages and providing a refreshing counter-narrative that maps out a path forward for women at midlife.
Both a midlife love letter and a lament, Navigating the Messy Middle both celebrates the beauty and rages at the many injustices of this life stage and provides readers with the tools to chart their own course.
In this deeply validating and encouraging book, Douglas interviews well over one hundred women of different backgrounds and identities, sharing their diverse conversations about the complex and intertwined issues that women must grapple with at from family responsibilities to career pivots, health concerns to building community. Readers will find a book that offers practical, evidence-based strategies for thriving at midlife, coupled with compelling first-person stories.
Offering purpose and meaning in a life stage that can otherwise feel out of control, Douglas pushes back against the message that women at midlife are no longer relevant and needed, highlighting the far-reaching economic, political and social impacts of these messages and providing a refreshing counter-narrative that maps out a path forward for women at midlife.
Both a midlife love letter and a lament, Navigating the Messy Middle both celebrates the beauty and rages at the many injustices of this life stage and provides readers with the tools to chart their own course.
265 pages, Kindle Edition
Published October 1, 2022
17 people are currently reading
253 people want to read
About the author
Ann Douglas
54 books172 followersAnn Douglas sparks conversations that matter about parenting and mental health. She is a bestselling parenting book author and the former parenting columnist for The Toronto Star and CBC Radio. Her most recent book -- Navigating the Messy Middle: A Fiercely Honest and Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women -- has just been published in Canada, the US, and the UK.
Ann is also the author of Happy Parents Happy Kids, Parenting Through the Storm: How to Handle the Highs, the Lows, and Everything in Between, and the creator of The Mother of All Books series: The Mother of All Pregnancy Books, The Mother of All Baby Books, The Mother of All Toddler Books, The Mother of All Parenting Books and The Mother of All Pregnancy Organizers.
A passionate and inspiring speaker, Ann delivers keynote addresses and leads small-group workshops at health and parenting conferences. If you've already met Ann via one her books, you know what you can expect from one of her presentations: to be inspired, informed, and entertained. Not only will she shift your thinking about parenting: she’ll move you to action as well—and in a way that leaves you feeling confident and capable as opposed to anxious, guilty, or overwhelmed.
You can connect with Ann on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.
Ann is also the author of Happy Parents Happy Kids, Parenting Through the Storm: How to Handle the Highs, the Lows, and Everything in Between, and the creator of The Mother of All Books series: The Mother of All Pregnancy Books, The Mother of All Baby Books, The Mother of All Toddler Books, The Mother of All Parenting Books and The Mother of All Pregnancy Organizers.
A passionate and inspiring speaker, Ann delivers keynote addresses and leads small-group workshops at health and parenting conferences. If you've already met Ann via one her books, you know what you can expect from one of her presentations: to be inspired, informed, and entertained. Not only will she shift your thinking about parenting: she’ll move you to action as well—and in a way that leaves you feeling confident and capable as opposed to anxious, guilty, or overwhelmed.
You can connect with Ann on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.
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Displaying 1 - 23 of 23 reviews
December 13, 2022
I hung onto midlife for all I was worth. On the brink of 70, I thought of myself as middle-aged. Not that I planned to live till 140. I just didn’t want to lose the sense of a groove that was mine, in which I would glide on hard-won self-assurance toward an infinitude of possibility. I would tell younger women, without the merest flicker of doubt, that the forties were “magic years” because that’s what they had been for me.
With no child at home, I could devote myself to a pinnacle job, editing a magazine. Unlike many women my age, I didn’t have to manage the care of frail parents; mine were both gone by the time I turned 40. I went where I wanted to go, bought what I wanted to have, cosseted by the illusions of fate and privilege. I knew as much about what we call “midlife” as a frog knows about the geography of its pond. And if you had tried to tell me so, I wouldn’t have heard you.
There is no ignoring Ann Douglas—bestselling parenting author turned champion for a new vision of midlife. In her brave, candid and radical new book, NAVIGATING THE MESSY MIDDLE, she topples the myths that cast the 40s and 50s as either the sad, sour fizzling of beauty and sexual possibility or the triumphant rebirth of a whole new self. Douglas interviewed more than 100 truth-telling women of various races, classes and sexual orientations. Their voices draw you into an imaginary family room where there’s always another comfy chair for one more person with an insight or a story to share.
Some of those you’ll meet here would never cross your path in the so-called “real world,” or in magazines like the one I used to edit. For all their differences, they have much in common. They have no use for bubble baths, scented candles or any of the tricks that purport to lift women’s spirits but are really just distractions from the culturally ingrained commandment that a woman must forever put others’ needs ahead of her own. If you feel like the only reasonably smart, constantly stretched midlife woman who hasn’t nailed “self care” and is not on track for a well-earned retirement, this could be your most bracing book of the year. (Click the image to see one of the year’s great covers.)
Halfway through, I know this much: I will never again think of midlife—or any life stage—as a predictable passage with ground rules. You find your own way. There are as many paths as there are individuals. The way forward is to listen to your sister explorers—and then to share your discoveries. That’s the real magic, and it can be ours at any age.
With no child at home, I could devote myself to a pinnacle job, editing a magazine. Unlike many women my age, I didn’t have to manage the care of frail parents; mine were both gone by the time I turned 40. I went where I wanted to go, bought what I wanted to have, cosseted by the illusions of fate and privilege. I knew as much about what we call “midlife” as a frog knows about the geography of its pond. And if you had tried to tell me so, I wouldn’t have heard you.
There is no ignoring Ann Douglas—bestselling parenting author turned champion for a new vision of midlife. In her brave, candid and radical new book, NAVIGATING THE MESSY MIDDLE, she topples the myths that cast the 40s and 50s as either the sad, sour fizzling of beauty and sexual possibility or the triumphant rebirth of a whole new self. Douglas interviewed more than 100 truth-telling women of various races, classes and sexual orientations. Their voices draw you into an imaginary family room where there’s always another comfy chair for one more person with an insight or a story to share.
Some of those you’ll meet here would never cross your path in the so-called “real world,” or in magazines like the one I used to edit. For all their differences, they have much in common. They have no use for bubble baths, scented candles or any of the tricks that purport to lift women’s spirits but are really just distractions from the culturally ingrained commandment that a woman must forever put others’ needs ahead of her own. If you feel like the only reasonably smart, constantly stretched midlife woman who hasn’t nailed “self care” and is not on track for a well-earned retirement, this could be your most bracing book of the year. (Click the image to see one of the year’s great covers.)
Halfway through, I know this much: I will never again think of midlife—or any life stage—as a predictable passage with ground rules. You find your own way. There are as many paths as there are individuals. The way forward is to listen to your sister explorers—and then to share your discoveries. That’s the real magic, and it can be ours at any age.
December 13, 2022
As with all of Ann Douglas’s books, Messy Middle felt like spending time with a wise, insightful and deeply kind friend. She relies on countless interviews with women living their own version of “messy middle” to let us know that whatever we we face in these years, we are not alone, it isn’t going to be like they told us, and it gets better as we build compassion (for self and others) and community. And like all of Ann’s books, Messy Middle is subtly (and sometimes not subtly) political … there is a lot of BS going on, and it doesn’t have to be like that.
I began the book looking for “the answer” and ended it realizing that I knew it all along. Life continues, it is hard sometimes, and there is love and the natural world to make it beautiful anyway.
Ann Douglas has her own special section on my bookshelf, and I always go there when I need to be reminded that we’re all in this together.
I began the book looking for “the answer” and ended it realizing that I knew it all along. Life continues, it is hard sometimes, and there is love and the natural world to make it beautiful anyway.
Ann Douglas has her own special section on my bookshelf, and I always go there when I need to be reminded that we’re all in this together.
September 15, 2022
There are not enough stars to give for this book. Five seems too little. I am so grateful to have Ann’s wisdom for me to rely upon and all the other women who were interviewed. My mom never made it to be middle-aged. I need all the help I can get. Thank you, Ann!!
August 27, 2023
I started this book so enthusiastically - but the first half part made me want to jump off a bridge. So many reminders of why becoming older is a huge bummer! But stay with it! The second half is inspirational pure gold! I highlighted! I underlined! I shared passages online! We’re not done yet. Not even close.
November 9, 2022
I heartily encourage women to pick up this book and take in the wisdom offered here by author Ann Douglas and the legions of women interviewed about their midlife experiences and perspectives. You are likely to find many relatable views and moments of recognition you will identify with in the many stories, no matter what stage you are at, what life choices you have made and what experiences you have had.
As the title suggests, this is indeed an encouraging book for midlife women. And it’s situated in the messy now we are living through. The pandemic, the crazy politics, climate change, underlying systemic forces in Canada (and elsewhere), healthcare and economic constraints - all of which provide extra pressures and stress form a running context underlying this book. It’s not our grandmother’s or mother’s times women are living through and this book is unique in framing that context well.
I found the book to be reassuring, inspiring, highly informative, resource-filled and a pleasure to read. My post-it flags are many and will be frequently referenced in days and years to come.
As the title suggests, this is indeed an encouraging book for midlife women. And it’s situated in the messy now we are living through. The pandemic, the crazy politics, climate change, underlying systemic forces in Canada (and elsewhere), healthcare and economic constraints - all of which provide extra pressures and stress form a running context underlying this book. It’s not our grandmother’s or mother’s times women are living through and this book is unique in framing that context well.
I found the book to be reassuring, inspiring, highly informative, resource-filled and a pleasure to read. My post-it flags are many and will be frequently referenced in days and years to come.
November 8, 2023
“This is why it’s so important for us to share stories—so that everyone feels seen and understood, regardless of their individual life circumstances, and so that we are exposed to a broader range of ideas about what it means to be a midlife woman.”
I think I was in denial that I was in midlife. Maybe because I didn’t want to admit I was getting older. Aging is definitely not celebrated in our culture. We have to fight through it and often suffer in silence. This book shines a light on our struggles through the stories of women from varied backgrounds in middle age. It is brilliant!
Ann Douglas was a part of my life in the baby years, and now again in my 40s. My bestie Amy and I participated in a virtual talk through the library with her about this book, and she was so kind and affirming! You will feel seen and heard through this book and learn something from women willing to support other women by sharing their stories.
“Sometimes the most powerful life-changing thing you can do is to simply start treating yourself with more compassion: to change the channel in your brain from self-critical to self-compassionate, and to start seeing yourself as someone who is worthy of care...
Starting from a place of self-compassion makes it easier for you to be kind to yourself”.
I think I was in denial that I was in midlife. Maybe because I didn’t want to admit I was getting older. Aging is definitely not celebrated in our culture. We have to fight through it and often suffer in silence. This book shines a light on our struggles through the stories of women from varied backgrounds in middle age. It is brilliant!
Ann Douglas was a part of my life in the baby years, and now again in my 40s. My bestie Amy and I participated in a virtual talk through the library with her about this book, and she was so kind and affirming! You will feel seen and heard through this book and learn something from women willing to support other women by sharing their stories.
“Sometimes the most powerful life-changing thing you can do is to simply start treating yourself with more compassion: to change the channel in your brain from self-critical to self-compassionate, and to start seeing yourself as someone who is worthy of care...
Starting from a place of self-compassion makes it easier for you to be kind to yourself”.
September 20, 2023
I slowly read this book, mostly because i had to read it in chunks because it brought out many emotions of my own midlife. I cheered in many spots because I felt less alone and I was angered in other sections by how few changes have been made to enhance or improve this phase of life for women. It highlighted things I knew or felt but what is rarely layered together in one series, especially insightful crafted.
I’d love to discuss with a group of friends and make big & small action plans to make community changes and to look after each other. Thank you Ann for writing this objective and engaging book about ALL of us. Take care all, we need to lean on each other.
I’d love to discuss with a group of friends and make big & small action plans to make community changes and to look after each other. Thank you Ann for writing this objective and engaging book about ALL of us. Take care all, we need to lean on each other.
October 14, 2022
I'm not quite at the midlife point in my life, but I still found this book to be both interesting and informative. Despite my age, feel like I still gained a lot from reading it- midlife isn't as much of a mystery anymore, and maybe once I get there I'll be a little less caught off guard! I'm certain people of *any* age can glean something from it.
Ann does a thorough job at representing a wide array of midlife women- both working and at home, mothers and childfree, LGBTQ+, Indigenous, Black, single, married and everything in between. This is going to make for a very relatable, true-to-life read for so many. What's an Ann Douglas book without the 100+ in-depth interviews and countless written works getting referenced from an impressive amount of research?
This book wonderfully paints a picture of midlife that has some downsides that any life stage may bring, but more importantly it leaves the reader with a lot of hope that it doesn't have to be depressing, and that you don't have to do it alone. Sure, perimenopause doesn't sound like the most thrilling experience- but midlife is so much more than that. There's so much more to look forward to, and now I'm curious to see what my view might be like from midlife.
Ann does a thorough job at representing a wide array of midlife women- both working and at home, mothers and childfree, LGBTQ+, Indigenous, Black, single, married and everything in between. This is going to make for a very relatable, true-to-life read for so many. What's an Ann Douglas book without the 100+ in-depth interviews and countless written works getting referenced from an impressive amount of research?
This book wonderfully paints a picture of midlife that has some downsides that any life stage may bring, but more importantly it leaves the reader with a lot of hope that it doesn't have to be depressing, and that you don't have to do it alone. Sure, perimenopause doesn't sound like the most thrilling experience- but midlife is so much more than that. There's so much more to look forward to, and now I'm curious to see what my view might be like from midlife.
November 17, 2022
A personal note (& full disclosure): I first met Ann Douglas 24 years ago in an online group for women who have experienced pregnancy loss, and later when we both served as volunteers in a local pregnancy loss support organization. I've served on panels for two of her books.
Ann and I are roughly the same age, and her latest work reflects the most recent stage of her life (and mine): midlife. "Navigating the Messy Middle: A Fiercely Honest and Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women" is not a long book, and it's a pretty fast, easy read, written in a friendly, chatty style. As Ann notes at the outset, there's not a lot of solid research being done on midlife women right now -- and what there is "tends to be centred on a very specific kind of midlife woman: a white, cisgender, married, middle-class woman with children. In other words, someone a lot like me." She has compensated for the lack of academic research and statistics by doing some extensive reading on the subject and interviewing some 100 women (mostly between the ages of 40 & 60) about their midlife experiences.
I really liked (and very much appreciated!) the diverse range of voices and personal stories featured here. "There's no such thing as a one-size-fits-all midlife experience," Ann writes. A bonus for me personally: not only does the book acknowledge that not all women are married and/or mothers at midlife, and not only does it include comments from more than a single token childless woman, it even makes clear the distinction between voluntary and involuntary childlessness! While it would have been nice to see a *little* more about the unique challenges of the childless/free midlife experience, there's a lot more non-parent and other diverse content here than most books include, and I am grateful to Ann for making that effort. And while some of the content is not relevant to those of us without kids, there's still a lot that -- while presented through a parental lens -- is very much applicable.
Overall, the book provides a good overview of this increasingly relevant subject, with a lot of personal stories and insights, and an extensive notes section including suggestions for further reading. It acknowledges the hard stuff about this stage of life, while providing reassurance and pointing out the good stuff, too. (I have 13 pages of bookmarks on my Kobo e-reader!)
4 stars.
Ann and I are roughly the same age, and her latest work reflects the most recent stage of her life (and mine): midlife. "Navigating the Messy Middle: A Fiercely Honest and Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women" is not a long book, and it's a pretty fast, easy read, written in a friendly, chatty style. As Ann notes at the outset, there's not a lot of solid research being done on midlife women right now -- and what there is "tends to be centred on a very specific kind of midlife woman: a white, cisgender, married, middle-class woman with children. In other words, someone a lot like me." She has compensated for the lack of academic research and statistics by doing some extensive reading on the subject and interviewing some 100 women (mostly between the ages of 40 & 60) about their midlife experiences.
I really liked (and very much appreciated!) the diverse range of voices and personal stories featured here. "There's no such thing as a one-size-fits-all midlife experience," Ann writes. A bonus for me personally: not only does the book acknowledge that not all women are married and/or mothers at midlife, and not only does it include comments from more than a single token childless woman, it even makes clear the distinction between voluntary and involuntary childlessness! While it would have been nice to see a *little* more about the unique challenges of the childless/free midlife experience, there's a lot more non-parent and other diverse content here than most books include, and I am grateful to Ann for making that effort. And while some of the content is not relevant to those of us without kids, there's still a lot that -- while presented through a parental lens -- is very much applicable.
Overall, the book provides a good overview of this increasingly relevant subject, with a lot of personal stories and insights, and an extensive notes section including suggestions for further reading. It acknowledges the hard stuff about this stage of life, while providing reassurance and pointing out the good stuff, too. (I have 13 pages of bookmarks on my Kobo e-reader!)
4 stars.
November 26, 2022
It was just what I needed to read
February 22, 2023
This book gave me the words to express so many things I’m feeling and experiencing as I embark on this new stage of life. The book didn’t offer any solutions to problems I’m having, but made me feel less alone. The questions at the end of the book would be worthwhile answering and discussing with others.
December 28, 2023
I enjoyed this book, but none of the topics are ones that I don't already engage in daily. This is definitely a great read for women who feel less connected to other women.
Favourite quotes
(quoted from Susan Mattern's The Slow Moon Climbs):
"We become non-reproductive so that we can do other things...Menopause is necessary. Humans have menopause because we need it. The contributions of post-reproductive women have brought us this far and will lead us into whatever future we have." (pg200)
(quoted from an interview)
"...that's what we tend to do about our deep societal issues, especially around race. It's 'We're just going to paint over that ugly wallpaper and not remove anything.' And yet the real change won't happen until a plurality of white-bodied people are willing to face the truth...how are you using [your] privilege?" (pg 217)
What I did love about the book were the topics to discuss with intention (I found the Qs in the Afterword too vague):
-behind the scenes (invisible) organizing work (pg17)
-multitasking as ineffective and draining (pg20)
-midlife as an opportunity for mental space to figure out what we want (pg39)
-embracing aging, fascination with the process of change (pg41)
-thinking critically about the idea of midlife crisis - who benefits from this narrative? And why not reframe this to a midlife check-in? (pg49)
-our culture prioritizes doing over being; as we slow down, how can we reframe this for ourselves? (pg59)
-Menopause is the marker of one full year without menstruating. All symptoms are peri-menopause. Did you know this? What else do you need to learn about this process? (pg85)
-invisibility: different experience across racial lines: because white women are valued for default beauty standards, women of colour have lifelong experience with invisibility. Midlife might be the first time many ill-equipped white women experience being devalued (pg133)
-societal imposed goals of staying young-looking and not changing, inside or out (pg135)
-clearer sense of time and mortality: what do you want to do? What mark do you want to make? (pg193)
Favourite quotes
(quoted from Susan Mattern's The Slow Moon Climbs):
"We become non-reproductive so that we can do other things...Menopause is necessary. Humans have menopause because we need it. The contributions of post-reproductive women have brought us this far and will lead us into whatever future we have." (pg200)
(quoted from an interview)
"...that's what we tend to do about our deep societal issues, especially around race. It's 'We're just going to paint over that ugly wallpaper and not remove anything.' And yet the real change won't happen until a plurality of white-bodied people are willing to face the truth...how are you using [your] privilege?" (pg 217)
What I did love about the book were the topics to discuss with intention (I found the Qs in the Afterword too vague):
-behind the scenes (invisible) organizing work (pg17)
-multitasking as ineffective and draining (pg20)
-midlife as an opportunity for mental space to figure out what we want (pg39)
-embracing aging, fascination with the process of change (pg41)
-thinking critically about the idea of midlife crisis - who benefits from this narrative? And why not reframe this to a midlife check-in? (pg49)
-our culture prioritizes doing over being; as we slow down, how can we reframe this for ourselves? (pg59)
-Menopause is the marker of one full year without menstruating. All symptoms are peri-menopause. Did you know this? What else do you need to learn about this process? (pg85)
-invisibility: different experience across racial lines: because white women are valued for default beauty standards, women of colour have lifelong experience with invisibility. Midlife might be the first time many ill-equipped white women experience being devalued (pg133)
-societal imposed goals of staying young-looking and not changing, inside or out (pg135)
-clearer sense of time and mortality: what do you want to do? What mark do you want to make? (pg193)
January 5, 2024
As I am currently navigating my messy middle, Ann's book is a perfect, thoughtful, honest, well-researched and accessible companion I go to for support, answers, and help when I'm feeling solitary on this journey. What I love most about Ann's work is her open, courageous voice. The questions she asks herself as well as those who are experiencing their messy middles are poignant, vulnerable, and important. Asking these types of questions, gives space for much-needed answers, answers that are poignant, vulnerable and important! This is a book I keep coming back to as I learn more about peri-menopause and how it's affecting my body. I feel less alone and part of a community of others who are dealing with (suffering!) the messy middle that is ageing women aged 40+. Ann shares her own personal stories as well as includes the stories of other middle-ageing women, and this makes the reading easy, fun, open and helpful. It's a great book club book for women in their 40s! Something that recognizes the arch of what we experience as we age in female bodies - the comedy, the pain, the wisdom, the beauty! Thank you, Ann!
April 1, 2025
To be honest I didn’t finish this book. I found it to be quite repetitive and ironically messy. Throughout the book the author quotes various women about various topics however her Introduction of each woman before the quote had me forgetting what the point was that she was trying to make. And it seemed to me that there were less of her words than there were of other people. I was hoping for a book to make me feel less alone in my midlife era and didn’t find that here. Also, I found that many of the women quoted we newly divorced or single, in fact I dont remember a single quote from a woman in a happy marriage with a husband trying his best to understand the changes that come with midlife. The reason I gave it the one star that I did was for the few passages that I found worthy of sending to a friend to discuss. I tried to finish, especially with only 60 pages left but I was so annoyed with the writing that I put it down angrily and refuse to pick it up again.
November 11, 2022
Navigating the Messy Middle is tremendously reassuring. The research combined with the stories of many women, who, despite diverse cultural, spiritual and gender identities, are (now more than ever) more alike than different. We have found ourselves in the middle of our lives dealing with challenging social, emotional, and physical changes. I believe these engaging, gently shared stories provide information that will help lessen the anxiety of this stage for many of us. If an audio book comes out, I will happily purchase it too!
April 19, 2023
Every mid life woman should read this book. It’s like listening to a panel of experienced friends sharing their stories and insights to help guide you through the many situations and challenges you may find during this stage of life.
Read
November 3, 2023These were my favorite quotes from the book. I wound up putting it down halfway because it was just too depressing for my current status. I did realize what I was wrestling with had more to do with age than circumstance: sometimes it’s helpful to realize you are part of a greater statistic.
April 26, 2023
Navigating the Messy Middle has many warm anecdotes from Middle Aged women sharing their experiences.
July 4, 2023
This was a reminder of why I don’t read many self help type books. Some interesting stories, but not much I felt particularly drawn to.
October 25, 2023
A fierce and honest look at midlife, which I'm now just entering myself! I loved the diversity of stories shared by women in this book.
August 30, 2024
Douglas does with menopause what she did so well for pregnancy - she makes us realize we aren't crazy or alone. And that's a great gift.
March 4, 2025
This is such an important book for midlife women. Relatable and wise.
November 24, 2025
I loved this book. It was very validating and fascinating. I felt like I was chatting with smart, informed friends.
Displaying 1 - 23 of 23 reviews