Until It Feels Right

by Emily Costa

Emily Costa has had obsessive-compulsive disorder since childhood. After decades of unsuccessful treatments, her condition worsens significantly during the pandemic, and she decides to try an intensive program of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Until It Feels Right is a series of framed and stylized diary entries written during the three weeks of this treatment. It’s a closer look into the realities of OCD outside traditional media depiction, a peek behind the curtain of the processes involved in CBT, and an entertaining complex portrait of a mind fighting against itself.

62 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 28, 2022

Reviews

[Suzy Eynon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cried after reading the end of this beautiful book, but a "good" cry because I could relate to much of what the author said, and to read someone's experience with it felt reaffirming. I've never written about my OCD. Emily describes it, makes it come alive, so accurately, and she's so brave and unflinching in doing so. She gives words to thoughts and feelings I wouldn't know how to put on the page or in the air. My favorite lines: "that's what I've been noticing--the need to narrate, to create stories and connections... I'm learning to exhale at certain times."

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book, in short, is FIRE.

Blurbed: "I have to be okay, I have to be okay," Emily Costa writes in UNTIL IT FEELS RIGHT, her gripping unvarnished account of an intensive course of exposure therapy she underwent in October 2021 to treat her OCD. Costa, a young mother who recently lost her father, connects with a voice at once honest, rhythmic, and immediate, making her memoir an indispensable addition to the historical registry of those privately struggling amidst the collective, public trauma of a global pandemic. That is, it's a book for all of us."

[Gary Porter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Emily Costa's writing style has so much integrity. It feels so honest. I truly admire the process she underwent to improve her life and the transparency with which she wrote about it. She goes through CBT therapy to help her with OCD. I don't have OCD, but the "exposure" treatments she endured as part of the therapy seemed very difficult and scary even for me. It really takes hope and courage and a desire to change to endure all of those things. It's a hero's journey that she undergoes, for sure. That desire to change is such a crucial element of living a fulfilling life, in my humble opinion. And even though I don't have OCD, I definitely saw myself in her descriptions of her condition, and I think most people will be able to relate with it. There is a picture on the back cover of the book. It's a large circle marked "universe" and a tiny dot marked "you." This is a vital lesson that everyone needs to embrace, but it also has to be balanced with an understanding of how important you are in the lives of the your loved ones. That non-dual thinking is a difficult feat in our modern culture, but I believe it can lead to joy and contentment and fulfillment and wisdom...all things that I believe I gained a little more of while reading this book. Thanks, Emily Costa for your courage and for sharing this incredible work with us!!

[Randi]

I pre-ordered this at the recommendation of a friend (who knew the author, I believe), and for some reason I was under the impression that it was a poetry book about OCD. It is not. I got the OCD part right, at least.

Anyway, I started reading it despite that, and I couldn't get too far into it. It was slightly triggering (OCD wreaked havoc on my child self), but mostly it read like a rant-y diary. Not my cup of tea. I'm glad others are enjoying it, though. I don't want to spoil the overall rating with mine.

[Rich · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great little novella that gives a clear idea of the work involved through cognitive behavioral therapy to combat anxiety and obsession in the time of pandemics. I think a lot of sports fans could benefit from understanding a major lesson in this book: No superstition or ritual will make your team win. You can’t control outcomes that way. But lucky tshirts, they work!

[Tucker Leighty-Phillips · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book. Emily creates an intimate, vulnerable portrait of an illness that is often stigmatized or misunderstood—and shows it through the lens of an especially vulnerable time, both personally for her and for the world at large. This book is deeply moving and thoughtful.

[Franco Romero · Rating 5 out of 5]

This broke me out of a reading slump and made me remember what I get the most energized about when I read: the human experience written about as directly as possible, as honestly as possible. A really powerful and beautiful book.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Compelling and honest. Recommending it to so many people.

[Claire Hopple · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honest, artful, and clear accounts that give you a real picture of life.

[Manar Tomeh]

Emily is a beautiful, pure woman. It’s so hard to to write your raw deep experiences and thoughts in such an honest way.

[Daniel DiFranco · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a fantastic read. I read Costa's short story collection first and then found out about this essay collection. The writing here is no less beautiful and articulate—Costa is a word magician.

[Mark · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'll admit at first I was like, "Oh great, a Covid diary" thinking it was too soon, but as a parent, I could quickly relate and became sympathetic to her struggles with OCD and therapy. I do gravitate towards reading things that take me out of my comfort zone and this one did that a bit for sure. If you're reading this book and considering not finishing, I strongly suggest hanging on for a little bit of a bumpy ride which took me to one of the most beautiful endings I've ever read.

[Nancy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book in one sitting. That’s how good it is. I’m in awe of this author’s beautiful writing as well as the hard work she did during CBT and the honesty she brings to the page about that work. This book can add much to the conversations being had about the emotional toll of the pandemic on people all over the world. A small but very important work of art.