Return of the Living Elves

by Brian Asman, Shelly Lyons (-Contributor)

When Christmas supply warehouse manager Jimmy tries to help new employee Tommy find a last-minute gift for his girlfriend, they accidentally unleash a long-forgotten and very seasonal genetic experiment with a taste for human flesh. As elf-zombie hybrids take over the small town of Pine Canyon, California, Jimmy fights to survive alongside a Christpunk named Landfill, and a mysterious, PTSD-stricken soldier. Hold onto your stockings because the goddamn elves are back, baby!

“This Yuletide-themed homage to one of the greatest zombie films ever made is a rollicking good time. Brian Asman delivers laughs and gory thrills galore in a book sure to put you in the holiday spirit–if you don’t get disemboweled first. Eat the fruitcake and take the ride.” –Bryan Smith, author of 68 Kill

"With 'Return of the Living Elves,' Brian Asman shows he's the funniest, goriest, scariest comedy-horror creator this side of James Gunn. If you loved 'Man, F*ck This House' (and you should love 'Man, F*ck This House'), you're going to absolutely flip for this one."- Nick Kolakowski, author of Absolute Unit and Love & Bullets

Genres: Horror, Christmas, Zombies, Holiday, Novella, Fiction, Fantasy

150 pages, Paperback

Published November 29, 2022

About the author

Brian Asman is a writer, actor, and director from San Diego, CA. He’s the author of the forthcoming expanded edition of Man, F*ck This House (and Other Disasters) as well as Good Dogs, Our Black Hearts Beat as One, I’m Not Even Supposed to Be Here Today, Neo Arcana, Nunchuck City, Jailbroke, and Return of the Living Elves. He’s recently published short stories in American Cannibal, The Dark Waves of Winter, DreadPop, Pulp Modern, Kelp, and comics in Tales of Horrorgasm.

A film he co-wrote and produced, A Haunting in Ravenwood, is available now on DVD and VOD from Breaking Glass. His short “Reel Trouble” won Best Short Film at Gen Con 2022 and Best Horror Short at the Indie Gathering.

Brian holds an MFA from UCR-Palm Desert. He’s represented by Dunham Literary, Inc.

Find him on social media (@thebrianasman) or his website www.brianasmanbooks.com.

Reviews

[Mort · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full review available at The Mort Report:
https://www.uncomfortablydark.com/bla...

‘Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the warehouse
Not a thing was stirring
Not even an elf.

Yet when Tommy and Jimmy
Looking for a last minute gift
Unleashes something evil
Can they survive their shift?

There will blood
There will be gore
When elf-zombie hybrids
Knocks down the door

So be prepared
When you read this rarity
For Asman’s story
Is filled with gory hilarity.

5 STARS!!!

[Peter Topside · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was absolutely bonkers and was a boatload of fun. My best comparison here is to Return of the Living Dead. Like a ton of similarities, but all spun into a Christmas themed extravaganza. Elf experimentation, zombie mall Santas, magical fruit cakes, and all the things that a horror fan wants to see in a holiday story. I did want a little more on the pecking order hierarchy of the Clauses and such, which I had some minor issues following a few times, but it was still very creative. Jimmy’s dialogue had me laughing nonstop, especially during his initial interactions with both Jimmy and Landfill. But this was probably one of the most entertaining spins on a Christmas horror that I’ve seen to date. Well done, Brian Asman!!

[Reading · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is like a re-telling of my favourite horror film, Return of the Living Dead so naturally, I loved it!

It's funny, it's gore-soaked and just lots of fun!

I think a sequel would be awesome.

[Danger]

Absolutely hysterical! Lotsa carnage and multiple laugh out loud lines on every page. What more could you want?

[Hunter Shea · Rating 4 out of 5]

Now this is a Christmas present! Wildly funny, irreverent and inventive. You'll ho-ho-ho yourself silly.

[Kate Victoria RescueandReading · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wild, absolutely WILD!!! You have to give this crazy Christmas story a read!

There’s so much happening on each page; humour within humour within Bizarro. I had to reread some pages just to process everything.

“He selling Christmas trees?” Caterpillar asked. “Because dude’s gonna come home covered in sap, get cat hair stuck all over him. End up looking like a Bigfoot, then somebody gonna shoot him. Turn his corpse in for the re-ward, but then they gonna DNA test him and that shit’s gonna come back negative, and then old Tommy Boy, he died for NOTHING.”

There are undead mutated elves who can create a human zombie army, fruitcake with mystical ingredients, a Clays/Kringle militarized North Pole, Christmas storage warehouses, Juggalos, ChristPunks and more!!!

Plus there’s a bonus short story by Shelly Lyons about a ghost who just wants to connect with his ex girlfriend that was both funny and sad.

Seriously, join the readership on this Christmas tale of insanity!!

[Gareth Is Haunted · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bat shit crazy!

'But with a Brian Asman book
What the fuck did you expect?
Just pop culture references
Mutant monsters and tits,
If you want fuckin' Shakespeare
Go read As You Like It'

I figured I would get myself into the Christmas spirit and read this Christmas-themed romp.
If gimp reindeer, elves, untold Christmas parodies and plenty of Claus' are your thing, then this is for you. This book is completely off its rocker!

'Louisa dropped the bucket of hot water, soaking her tennis shoes, because to her astonishment, there was - and I'm sorry, dear reader, so sorry, but I simply cannot help myself - an ELF of the shelf.'

My favorite has to be 'Screwdolph' s dick-nose'

[Steve · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brian Asman blew me away with his novella Man, Fuck This House not just because it’s a great book, but because he really turned the haunted house trope on its head. When I heard he was writing an homage to Return of the Living Dead, my interest was piqued. When I heard the title was Return of the Living Elves, I knew I had to read it. I was not disappointed.

You can read my full review at Horror DNA by clicking here.

[Steph Kneeland · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a great little Christmas read. It was silly, yet had gore and blood. It is an exciting tale of how the Christmas spirit can go haywire in a flash. Join Jimmy and new employee Tom as they figure out why some boxes should stay hidden in the basement!

[DA · Rating 5 out of 5]

Zombie elves and Christmas carnage what more could you want? This book was fun and fast paced. If you took horror, humor and Christmas put them in a blender what you'd get is this book. I highly recommend it!

[Dez Nemec · Rating 4 out of 5]

'Twas weeks before Christmas
And oh - here look!
I received the brand new
Brian Asman book.
Direct from the author
And signed in his hand
My eyes lit up
As the cover, I scanned.
A zombie elf
Missing an eye
Looking rather tough
For just a small guy.
Boy oh boy, I thought,
This is going to be fun
I can hardly wait
For this yarn to be spun.
Having read his last book
I knew it'd be odd
So I sat back
And relaxed my bod.
I'm going to love this
I thought with a smile
Despite knowing it will
Mostly likely be vile.
Elves and zombies
And blood and gore
It's exactly what I
Was hoping for.

So if you're searching for
A fun holiday read
Behold horror lovers
This is just your speed.
No need for the Grinch
Or Krampus this year
We now have something
New to fear.
So sit back, relax
And enjoy this account
Of a bloody Christmas
With a high headcount.

A messed up Christmas
To All
And to all
A good bite.

[Alex | | findingmontauk1 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well that's one way to spend the holidays! Brian Asman delivers a wild and totally brutal Christmas horror story with RETURN OF THE LIVING ELVES. It's funny, action-packed, absurd, and just filled with all the things you need something like this to be. It gives you all the things you love about 80s horror movies but adds a nice current twist all infused by Asman's creativity.

[Kelsi - Slime and Slashers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fun and fast-paced! I totally recommend this if you're someone who is okay with reading for fun and not taking a book seriously sometimes! There are lots of funny pop culture references throughout the story, and I laughed out loud multiple times!

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

Do you like a little ho-ho-horror with your holidays? Return of the Living Elves is a cheeky, gory, bizarro spin on The Return of the Living Dead, only elf style!

I enjoyed Brian's last book Man, Fuck This House, and figured a little holiday zombie horror could be a fun way to get myself into the Christmas spirit.

It's Christmas Eve and Tommy is trying to land a decent job, and cool last minute present, to impress his girlfriend. Jimmy, the manager at the Christmas Supply Warehouse, takes pity on the kid and starts showing him the ropes, including the strange custom returns that are in the storage area down in the basement. Tommy pulls a snow globe out of one of the crates and drops it, accidentally releasing an undead elf who is hell bent on ushering in a zombie apocalypse that may require intervention from a secret goverment-ish group of Clauses and Kringles.

It's a fast paced romp that will have you ho-ho-hoooo noooo-ing the whole way through.

[Katie (DeathByPaperbacks) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m a huge fan of Return of the Living Dead, so when I first heard there was a Christmas spin off I knew I had to read it. And this did NOT disappoint!!!
Asman has an incredible way of taking the most absurd ideas and making them work in the best possible way! This is yet another example of his talent and ability to spin a bizarre, horrifyingly funny tale that will leave you questioning the true meaning of Christmas.
If you’re looking for a quick, easy read and/or are in need of some inappropriately timed jokes, I can’t recommend this book enough! I am a huge fan and look forward to more work by Asman.

[Aaron McQuiston · Rating 4 out of 5]

When The Brian Asman reaches out and asks if you are interested in reviewing his new Christmas novella, Return of the Living Dead, the only appropriate answer is “Heck Yeah!” I received this novella from the author in exchange for an honest review.

I have reviewed every Brian Asman book, and I can say the best part about reading his books is that he never does the same thing twice. His last novella, Man, Fuck this House, has become an internet sensation, and is part ghost story, part kaiju story. Nunchuck City is an action story inspired by video games like Double Dragon and Streets of Rage. Jailbroke is a sci-fi story about robots who have found consciousness. His first novella, I’m Not Even Supposed to Be Here Today, about the accidental summoning of a demon who looks a lot like Kevin Smith, is the closest to Return of the Living Elves, but this is only because both of them are more horror titles than any of his other books.

I really do not have to go into any description but Return of the Living Elves is a Christmas twist on The Return of the Living Dead. That should be enough to entice any reader. Over the years, I had only seen bits and pieces of The Return of the Living Dead, but I had never watched the entire thing at one time until I was preparing to read this novella. I had definitely missed out on a great schlocky 80s horror movie. When I started reading this novella with the movie fresh in my mind, I could see the same beats in the opening. This made me fall into the plot quicker than if I had not watched the movie before I started reading. I loved all of the twists that Asman put into the plot to make it all about Christmas.

The humor and puns are the best thing about Brian Asman’s writing. He writes funny and clever characters, scenes, and dialogue. His transformation of The Return of the Living Dead into a Christmas story, but also adding a deeper layer of Christmas and Santa Claus lore, makes this more than just a beat for beat rewriting of the movie. The best parts of this are the times he twists away from the plot of the movie just enough for us to see how relentlessly funny Asman is.


I cannot be a big enough fan of Brian Asman and his books. Even though I never know what type of book he is going to write next, I do know it is going to be funny, clever, and worth recommending to all of my friends. Return of the Living Elves is no different. The only thing that I would suggest is to watch The Return of the Living Dead before you read the book, because having the movie and characters fresh in your mind enhances the entire experience.

[Mark · Rating 5 out of 5]

As the narrator for a theatrical trailer once said, "They're back from the grave and ready to party." Rabid weasels? Nope. Elves. Living elves. "Return of the Living Elves" by Brian Asman is a tounge firmly poking out of a gaping, bloody, cheek love letter to the cult horror film "Return of the Living Dead" AND a Christmas novel!

For anyone who hasn't seen the "Return of the Living Dead", the plot of the novel is pretty simple: humans fighting for survival against undead cannibals and one really pissed off elf. Initially, while setting the stage for the zombie and elf fueled mayhem to come, Asman hits all of the memorable beats from the film, but wisely chooses to dump most of the exposition and world building into what is the equivalent of the "C" storyline in the movie and this novel: the thread about the military characters tasked with keeping tabs on the living dead.

Expanding on and developing the plot strand featuring the grunts and officers tracking the revenants was a smart way to branch off from the film, keeping the fiction fresh and more than just a homage to the source material. It was a bit of a balancing act, but Asman managed to pull it off with aplomb: writing an affectionate parody of the flick and creating a highly original work of fiction in its own right.

[Julie Furlong · Rating 4 out of 5]

apparently it is Christmas in July for me, because when THE Brian Asman (yes, the same author who wrote “Man, Fuck this House”) asked me to review his latest book, hell yes, I will! Zombie elves and all.

You are in for a wild treat with this 150 page read! If you’ve read zombie books, you haven’t read anything quite like this- Christpunks (Christmas Punks), a middle aged diabetic boss, a hilarious PTSD-stricken soldier, zombie elves, and lots of other characters star in this laugh out loud, grotesque book!

It was hard for me to contain my laughter while reading about sexy reindeers, a magical Santa, and Elfphonso the Elf with 4 rows of teeth who just wants to be heard. If you love Bizarro, horror-comedy, you will love this novella!

The release date is November 29th, 2022!!

Many thanks to @thebrianasman for allowing me to read Return of the Living Elves!
I also loved Shelly Lyons @mizlyonshere story afterwards called The Murderous Eejit! It had a “Ghost” movie like quality to it, but with eejits and a ghost

[Joe Ortlieb · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of those stories you could read to the kiddos before the big day. It's filled with Christmas happiness oh and a zombie elf. Fun filled holiday goodness no egg nog needed, make sure you eat the fruitcake. Brain brings the holiday joy at a warehouse that stores Christmas decorations for business on the off season. If you like your humor dark then this is for you

[Matt Ramsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ho ho holy shit y’all! This book is perfectly “Brian Asman”. If you’ve read any of his other stuff, you’ll know what that means. Full throttle action and absurdity throughout. I loved every line of this book.

[Horror Haus Books · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have no words for how absolutely wild this book was. I loved it. I spent so much time laughing out loud saying “what the fuck is going on”. Zombie elves, Christpunks, gimpy reindeer, Santa on heroin. It’s got everything you could ever want out of a holiday book.

Christmas fucking gold.

[Benjamin Roberts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Complete madness. Part horror, part comedy spoof, part hallucination. This is the Christmasiest Christmas story you'll ever read. It also features Juggalos and gimp reindeer. And some kind of Rambo elf secret agent? Mate I haven't got a clue. But I'm fully in the Christmas spirit now, I need some eggnog

[Demonika · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Brian Asman is a complete and utter nut job... in the best way possible. His soon-to-be-released Christmas tale, Return of the Living Elves is no exception. I don’t know how the guy comes up with this shit, honestly. Take Dan O’Bannon’s cult classic, The Return of the Living Dead, and throw it in a blender with the biggest holiday of the year and this is what you have... one fruit cake flavored zombie regale. The writing is so funny and quick-witted to the point of laughing out loud, something we see in most Asman books. You can tell immediately that writing is a labor of love for him and he probably has a blast even though it’s a hell of a lot of work.

Opening with Tommy (a Juggalo - Whoop! Whoop! with his paint on) getting a job at a massive Christmas warehouse and Manager Jimmy unleashing the chaos with a snow globe and from the get go, we’re thrown into the time-honored story. A complete Christmas homage but with Christpunks (yes, hardcore Christmas Punks!) and the military tasked with keeping tabs on the (elf) zombies are, you guessed it, Santas! Landfill, our bloodflecked shovel-wielding heroine, is the standout character for me, fighting the good fight and saving her man... even if he is a Juggalo. The whole thing is really so clever and so, so spectacularly stupid. The perfect book to read during the holiday season. Bet you didn’t know they made SSLCCs with ball gags! Well, now you know!

[Caleb Stephens · Rating 4 out of 5]

Undead elves? Insane Clown Posse References? Horrific battles in Lollipop Land?

Count me in.

After too many depressing, heavy horror reads of late, this was exactly what I needed. What I love about Asman's writing is that it is guaranteed to make me laugh. A lot. Which I did on practically every page. Asman writes with a lot of voice. All of his characters are unique and full of quirky charm. The dialogue pops, and I loved the Christmas world-building in this one. There are a lot of politics to deal with in the North Pole. A lot of Clauses. Not everyone there is as happy as you would expect.

This tale is a fun and gory re-imagining of "The Return of the Living Dead" full of Christian punks drunk on way too much hot chocolate, a vengeful elf named Elphonso with a LOT of teeth, and a couple of unlucky Whosgotta Christmas warehouse employees trying to escape the night alive. And that's just the start. I breezed through it and enjoyed the short story by Shelly Lyons afterward.

Pick this one up expecting to laugh. It's light and fun and full of re-imagined Christmas cheer. A big thanks to Brian Asman for the ARC. After Man, Fuck This House, and this one, I can't wait to read whatever he comes up with next.

[Becca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to Brian Asman for sending me an ARC of Return of the Living Elves.

Will I read anything that Brian Asman puts out? Absolutely. His brand of humor is very similar to my own & it’s a whole VIBE for me.

Return of the Living Elves was another book in my 24 Novellas before Christmas and it was definitely… something.

Elf-Zombie hybrids are taking over & it’s up to a ragtag crew (featuring a Christmas warehouse manager, a Christpunk & a PTSD-stricken soldier) to save the day.

This is a very quick read filled with laughs and “wtfs?!” There’s gore. There’s juggalos. What more can I say?

If you’re a fan of horror comedy & need another Christmas story to read, please look into Return of the Living Elves by Brian Asman!

[Faith Shaffer · Rating 4 out of 5]

A rollicking, gory, Christmas parody of the Return of the Living Dead movie.

I was tickled to find this parody of one of my favorite movies! It didn't let me down, either. There were rapped-out Christmas carols; a zombie elf with peppermint venom and four rows of pointy teeth; a twenty-five-year-old, genetically-engineered fruitcake that turns you into Santa when you eat it; and all kinds of other Christmas gore that make up this truly whack-a-doodle story. Definitely one to remember!

[Sheena Forsberg · Rating 4 out of 5]

-Return of the living elves
Zombie elves, the imminent threat of nuclear anihilation & one fat warehouse manager turned even fatter.
Utterly ridiculous, derivative of all the Zombie movies you’ve (semi-guiltily) watched and 100% enjoyable silliness. This read is honestly about as lowbrow you can get before people assume you’re a Neanderthal.
All of that said; it makes for a great short seasonal read when you still haven’t gotten around to getting all the gifts you were supposed to.

-The Murderous Eejit by Shelly Lyons:
A man struggling to deal with his newfound ghostly existence hovers around one of his hook-ups only to realize that a predator is after her.
Funny and bittersweet in equal measure. I enjoyed this one a lot. A definite bonus to end this book on.

[Erik · Rating 4 out of 5]

Like with other Brian Asman books, I finished this one and thought "WTF did I just read?!" And that alone is why I keep reading. Brian's books won't change the world, or awaken anything inside of me, or serve justice to the patriarchy, or feed the poor, or cancel my student loans, etc. They're just whole a lot of profane, totally inappropriate fun, and a welcome break from the effed up world we're currently inhabiting. So thanks, B, and keep 'em coming!

Side note: The Shelly Lyons story tucked into the back of the book was also a damn fine read. I look forward to reading her new book LIKE REAL when it's published.

[Bruce · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't have any expectations when I bought/read this book. I considered that it would be a quick read and would contribute to me being less behind in my 2022 Reading Challenge.

I was wrong. This book was quite creative in unexpected ways. I did watch the original movie before getting very far into the book. There was enough overlap to make book and movie worthy complements.

Who else would name a genetically modified (EIP) elf "Elphonso"? Quite a bit of thought went into the backstory of the Clausian Hegemony, the Clauses vs. the Kringles vs. elves.

The societal rebels in the book (Self-Harm, Landfill, and Caterpillar) being Christpunks and Juggalos was an creative transform of their counterparts in the movie.

I'm struggling to visualize "Christmas-camo BDUs" but that might not be a bad thing.

Interesting phrases that caught my attention:

* The thick stench of blood -- undercut with gingerbread
* dinosaur-juice-fueled (gas vehicles)

If I read another book by this author, I'll raise my expectations.

[Chris Harvey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fun little Christmas novella, I can see myself reading it at Christmas year after year.