Shame and Attachment Loss: The Practical Work of Reparative Therapy

by Joseph Nicolosi

Bringing together a Judeo-Christian anthropology with biological and psychodynamic theories of human development and sexuality, psychologist Joseph Nicolosi details the therapeutic techniques of reparative therapy he has developed over the past twenty years. Written in three parts, the book first describes the nature of the psychodynamics of same-sex attraction as understood in the reparative therapy approach. The second part describes the various phases of treatment. The final part deals with walking clients through the process of grieving and the healing of their wounding. Endorsed by numerous notable leaders in psychotherapy, Nicolosi offers practical guidance for counselors and therapists who want to offer reparative therapy to those seeking change.

Genres: Psychology

474 pages, Paperback

First published May 1, 2009

About the author

Joseph Nicolosi is an American clinical psychologist, founder and director of the Thomas Aquinas Psychological Clinic in Encino, California, and a founder and former president of the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality.

Reviews

[Julio Genao · Rating 1 out of 5]

...oh, it's you.



i thought we spoke about this.



go on, now. git. don't make me fetch the hose.



because next time i won't be so nice.

[Heather K (dentist in my spare time)]

Anyone else tempted to send some male strippers to the poor souls who've 5-starred this book? You know they need it.

[Karlyflower *The Vampire Ninja, Luminescent Monster & Wendigo Nerd Goddess of Canada (according to The Hulk)* · Rating 1 out of 5]

The sheer arrogance ignorance it takes to believe that YOU have a right to dictate how another should or should not lead their life is unfathomable to me.



I cannot believe that in TWO THOUSAND AND SIXTEEN this bullshit still exists.

Homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, transgender, intersex, cisgender, heterosexual....... who the fuck cares?! Love IS Love; there is no right way to love!

To all of my fellow human beings walking around living their lives with love in their hearts, I adore all you diverse lovely beings.

[Jyanx]

[Jo ★The Book Sloth★]

For all of you "psychologists" out there that have supposedly found the answer to preventing homosexuality and have the nerve to write about it... Can one of you research my problem? I want a cure for my attracted-to-jerks disease...



Now that is a book I would pay good money for... Unlike this crap!

I know... Humor...not my strong point!

[Jimmy · Rating 5 out of 5]

excellent book, definitely needed for those struggling with unwanted homosexual desires. This book was one of the key factors for myself in overcoming it. It is a book intended for men. If a woman has reviewed this book you can clearly disregard it, as the book would not pertain to woman at all. Many of the comments on here are from people who haven't read the book, and just want to state their uneducated, gay-affirming opinions... If you are a gay male and you read this book, even if you don't want to believe it, you would have no choice to believe it because thats how much perfect sense the book makes. When it talks about childhood experiences in where your attractions come from you will see you past in front of your eyes. Homosexuality comes from unmet sam sex needs as a child - for example, a father who neglects his son - classmates who reject another male peer - sexual abuse as a child - and a few other examples that can cause a boy to seek out affection in unhealthy ways. This is just the tip of the iceberg.. Same sex attraction can be diminished, and this book can be a very helpful start to you understanding where same sex attractions come from, and set you on the path to healing from it.

[E]

What the book blurb really says:

"Bringing together a Judeo-Christian anthropology mumbo jumbo with biological and psychodynamic pseudo bullshit theories of human development and sexuality, psychologist trained idiot Joseph Nicolosi details the therapeutic techniques scientifically proven to not work techniques of reparative therapy torture he has developed over the past twenty years years of wasted time."



Where this book really belongs:

[Tara♥ · Rating 1 out of 5]

[Alan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book captures reality for many people who are now a "systematically ignored group, the non-gay homosexual ... same-sex attracted men whose deeply held values and sense of self prevent them from embracing a gay identity. (p. 119)" An important counterbalance to the current push to make this therapeutic approach illegal.

[Apollo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Nicolosi's book is very helpful in describing the feelings and mechanisms behind homosexual compulsion. Having actually read the book, unlike most if not all the suspiciously-similar 1-star reviewers, and also being homosexual, I can say that his theory makes sense. It is most certainly not the entire picture - but I think Nicolosi's work moves us significantly closer to understanding homosexuality.

One thing you need to do before reading this book is understand it's premises; You will have to adopt a new one to read it correctly. The premise is this: "Homosexuality is not the same as heterosexuality. It is a manifestation of something maladaptive or abnormal or a mechanism not serving it's purpose, a psychological illness." I know that today this would be a radical premise - it is completely the opposite of what we would deem "acceptable opinion". But this was the way we looking at it in the past; and we had good reason for it. For a very long time, homosexuality was classified as a sexual perversion, a maladaptive mode of the sexual instinct. This was because it had very similar symptomatology to other perversions. It was highly likely to correlate with other psychological issues in the individual. And also because there was evidence coming to light about the causal factors by the psychoanalysts.

Now, I won't go into why or how homosexuality became declassified as a disorder (when it was removed from the DSM, the book of psychological disorders, which literally defines what is and is not a psychological issue). Suffice to say that if you read the history thoroughly you would have to admit that it's removal was anything but rationally-motivated and scientifically-sound.

Once you do adopt the premise (that homosexuality is in fact a problem), the book will open itself to you. It will show you some of your habits. It will explain, in a rough way, some of your thoughts, emotions and behaviours. It shows you the causal pathway, as far as it is psychoanalytically understood, down the homosexual road you've likely taken. It describes recurring pattens: in the relationship between the homosexual boy and his mother, in the relationship between the boy and his father, as he grew up.

Nicolosi introduces a model of self-states (like four different states of your consciousness), and shows you how you move through each self-state from the Assertion state, through the Shame State, into the Grey Zone, and then into homosexual activity. He explains why this pattern arose - to avoid dealing with a traumatic reality in childhood. He explains that the homosexual urges are ultimately seeking authentic, masculine affirmation from other males - something tragically absent in the childhood of the homosexual boy. He describes the alienation felt by the boy, and how homosexual activity is an attempt to repair the wound and avoid the inner conflict.

Then he describes a method of procedure to help resolve the conflict - through body-work and going through the grieving process. This is done in the presence of an affirming male in the psychologist.

When you're done reading this you'll think well, was this really much of a surprise? The gay culture openly and self-deprecatingly admits to the prevalence of 'daddy issues' in the community. Most gay people know they have psychological wounds. I think many would deeply suspect something isn't right. Most of us just don't have the courage to admit it.

Nicolosi's work is one of the last islands in the sea of chaos about this topic floating around. There are others to read as well, Charles Socarides being another good author.

[Josh · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have a mixed response to this book. On the one hand, as a confessing Christian I share Dr. Nicolosi's belief that homosexuality is one (among many, in my view) of the ways that we have perverted God's gift of sexuality to destructive ends. From that perspective, I respect his courage in taking an unpopular stand and seeking to help men who desire to fight against homosexual temptations.

On the other hand, I find the psychological substructure of Nicolosi's work (a form of attachment theory that links present struggles to parental attachment in infancy/early childhood) to be flawed and inadequate. While I support his desire to help men with same-sex attraction, I believe his methods would ultimately prove unhelpful and should not be regarded as a truly Christian approach to counseling same-sex attraction struggles.

[AGandyGirl · Rating 1 out of 5]

[M · Rating 1 out of 5]

Soooo. A book for the "non-gay homosexual... same-sex attracted" men who don't identify as gay because of their deeply ingrained values. Honey, the term you are looking for is "in the closet behind the closet". You may think antonyms are your friend, when in reality, you just came out.

Which brings us to what this book really is: redundant. A redundant waste of space where you could have told us what you really wanted to say: I'm not heterosexual, there is nothing I can do about it and that is juuust fine.

[Kim · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ignorance~ love is love~ I just can not even begin to start on how wrong this is to change how you are born, to change what you feel as if it is wrong to be gay or lesbian it's like telling someone to change color of skin. This book is so wrong.

[Theodore E · Rating 5 out of 5]

Critics of this book have a bias or have not read it. It is not "conversion therapy" as some falsely claim. It is trauma work to identify core shame injuries in delicate developemental stages involving both mother, father and the childs interpretation and perception of rejection abandonment real or perceived by ill equiped parents unemotionally attuned to the child and in disharmony with each other. Good psychology here which is not dependant on public opinion, cultural approval, or peer pressure. Activists forced and then infiltrated the american psychological association to erase decades of research experience snd expertise Not to mention cross cultural and historical common sense, theology, precidence, and even natural law.

[Pablo Sotomayor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nicolosi da una explicación muy completa y fácil de comprender de las posibilidades causas de la atracción al mismo sexo. También muestra cómo se podría llevar un acompañamiento a alguien que quiere entender esa atracción y prefiere no seguirla.

Además ilustra con conversaciones muy aleccionadoras cómo van avanzando las personas que se acercan a pedir ayuda.

Me gustó mucho el libro. Agradezco la claridad de exposición.

[Tokyo D · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is excellent. My life has been the textbook example of what Nicolosi discusses. Unfortunately we are in an era when nuanced discussion of sensitive matters is not allowed and only “affirmation” is considered okay. I recommend this book 100%.

Most of the bad reviews are from people who have not read it and should be deleted.

[Mohamed Say]

dhdgh

[Faris Al Khalaileh · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's for professional people, I'm not one of them the first chapters were amazing but then things become much more complicated

[Lee Su Pei · Rating 1 out of 5]

Thanks for sharing your opinion.
I also share mine.

[Mason Fraley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don’t agree with everything Nicholosi says in here but the shallow and unproductive adolescent rage manifested in the 1 and 2 star reviews kind of vindicates his point lol

[Paul · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have never felt more understood

[Brandon · Rating 1 out of 5]

I ought to write a book on the "the psychodynamics" of clinicians who hate us same-sexers.