What Do You Say?: How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home

by William Stixrud, Ned Johnson

A guide to effectively communicating with teenagers by the bestselling authors of 'The Self-Driven Child'

If you're a parent, you've had a moment - maybe many of them - when you've thought, How did that conversation go so badly? At some point after the sixth grade, the same kid who asked why non-stop at age four suddenly stops talking to you. And the conversations that you wish you could have - ones fueled by your desire to see your kid not just safe and healthy, but passionately engaged - suddenly feel nearly impossible to execute. The good news is that effective communication can be cultivated, learned, and taught. And as you get better at this, so will your kids.

Johnson and Stixrud have 60 years combined experience talking to kids one-on-one, and the most common question they get when out speaking to parents and educators is: What do you say? While many adults understand the importance and power of the philosophies behind the books that dominate the parenting bestseller list, parents are often left wondering how to put those concepts into action. 'WHAT DO YOU SAY?', Johnson and Stixrud show how to engage in respectful and effective dialogue, beginning with defining and demonstrating the basic principles of listening and speaking. Then they show new ways to handle specific, thorny topics of the sort that usually end in parent/kid standoffs: delivering constructive feedback to kids; discussing boundaries around technology; explaining sleep and their brains; the anxiety of current events; and family problem-solving. 'WHAT DO YOU SAY?' is a manual and map that will immediately transform parents' ability to navigate complex terrain and train their minds and hearts to communicate ever more successfully.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Audiobook, Family, Education

336 pages, Paperback

First published August 3, 2021

Reviews

[Dave · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this, but I already feel like it's pretty hard to apply the advice and even harder to distill it for my partner. I'm tempted to buy the book, but even attempts to go back and reference sections have seemed impractical.

Empathy seems to be a major topic in the parenting books I've read recently and each one (including this one) helps me be empathetic for a time. I'm afraid it wears off eventually though.

I liked the idea of being a consultant rather than a manager. I like the idea of trying to keep the big picture in mind, not projecting a lifetime of X based on one action, and communicating about some of the big issues like the pursuit of happiness, ambivalence, and expectations.

[Allison Kates · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t normally read parenting books because each kid is different and it’s hard to make a blanket “do this” or “don’t say this” statement but this book came highly recommended and did not disappoint. The authors offer specific and concrete suggestions for handling school issues, motivation, social-emotional difficulty, and more. There were so many helpful reminders and useful nuggets of information. I love the idea of “parent as consultant.” It is not our job to lecture or demand or force, but to guide our kids to make their own good choices and learn to be resilient. The authors discuss motivational interviewing as a way to talk to our kids that doesn’t impose our own opinions and that encourages them to problem solve instead of us giving them a solution... we are not fixers. The biggest take-away for me is that the emphasis has to be on relationship… making sure our kids know we love them no matter what. I found myself using so many of the strategies as a way of talking with my kids as I was reading. This is a book I will be recommending and referring to again and again.

[Suzy S · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very practical advice on improving your relationship with your kids by adjusting (or in my case, overhauling) how you engage with them. Helpful because it’s the piece I control.

I have already implemented some of this and seen positive results.

I struggled with the first few chapters as I felt it was telling me that I’d been parenting the wrong way all along. Literally set it aside and came back to it once I was in a more open mindset.

This book has been recommended by the school system and mental health professionals. I heard a talk by the authors and was inspired to give it a try, as I felt my relationship with one of my daughters was on a toxic trajectory. I believe it’s better now, but I have a lot of work still to do.

I was surprised by the section on working with perfectionists and found it interesting enough that I bookmarked it for reference.

The only reason this isn’t a five star is that it refers to their first book a little too much (I’ve read that one too several years ago, and probably will be rereading it soon), as well as regular reminders of their businesses. Also, while I’m sure they did it to relate to the reader, I felt some of the examples of how well they’ve handled things were a little much. In fairness, they highlight when things didn’t go well either. I just could have used a little more neutrality. A nit pick, but there it is.

They conclude with a reminder that our kids learn from others. We don’t have to do it all. We should focus on loving our kids first and foremost. While easier said than done, it’s what I needed to hear right now.

[Katherine Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical, compassionate and relevant advice for parents and families on helping kids with school, social-emotional skills, building responsibility, and life's challenges. Somehow, William Stixrud and Ned Johnson manage to be informed and authoritative while also being conversational and not preachy. I never felt bad about my parenting while reading this book, and yet I found myself screenshooting SO many pages on my kindle because of the language and phrasing that I want to adopt with my kids. Anxiety, avoidance and stress are running rampant with parents, families and children, and this book is an important piece of the answer. Highly recommend for anyone working with children.

[Jamie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this parenting book because it gave me so many practical ideas that I could implement immediately. I used motivational interviewing with Orry to get to the root of his buying and selling Pokémon cards. And we’ve been having many more open-ended conversations with our boys instead of just doling our consequences for misbehavior. The book ends “Warmth, connection, and affection still remain the best gesture to offer your child, and they require no words at all.”

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

As both an educator and a parent, there were a lot of gems in this book about how to have honest conversations with children. I think a lot of the advice in this book can go on to inform how you interact in other relationships as well. This was a great book for helping guide how I handle conversations with students at my school as well as with my own children when they are emotionally dysregulated.

[Ginny Yurich · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVE these authors and their parenting advice that helps kids learn how to start taking control of their own lives so they will be successful adults.

[Aimee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved their first book, which really helped me figure out more of how I want to parent my kids as they get older and need to gain more independence. This book was a good reminder of the principles taught in the first book and with more real-life application examples. Don't read this one without having read the first one.

[Alisha · Rating 4 out of 5]

I like their example conversations. Also, I love that they talk about autistic teens and how to talk to them.

[Sariah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book. A lot of it falls in line with the other few parenting books I've read/listened to so it's nice to have the refresher. Some of it provided new info and perspectives and helped me feel more confident about some of the things I've been trying with my anxious 13 year old which has been helpful. The thing I like most about self help books in general is that I'm not obligated to agree with everything in them and there were a few parts in this one that I wasn't quite on the same page as the authors and I'm fine with that. My favorite part is the priority it places on strengthening the relationship which I feel applies to all relationships, not just parent/child.

[Lisa Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

An essential go-to, especially for parents of teens. Johnson and Stixrud walk you through all sorts of scenarios and offer concrete examples of how to respond. A perfect blend of background info and actual, specific advice for dealing with the myriad challenges of parenting. Supportive and wise -- my copy is already dog-eared :)

[Shanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is just turning me into a permissive parent. That's not their goal, but this type of parenting doesn't work for me, at least not yet.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

As the cover indicates, this book helps the reader to encourage their child to develop intrinsic motivation, handle stressful situations and develop positive relationships with family and peers. I have read sooooooooo many parenting books over the past decade and this one lands solidly in my top five favorites. It is detailed and thoughtful. The authors give example dialogues to help navigate common situations which are very helpful but will likely require marking and coming back to. The author emphasizes a gentle parenting method based on mutual respect, agency, accountability, and understanding. This is not a light read that I would fly through, but one that I recommend taking your time with to absorb the details and visualize how to utilize the principles in your own parenting. So much great info in her that can be adapted to any family and child ages and stages. It is specific enough to give directions to the parent while also providing a common enough pattern to personalize to specific situations not covered.

[Joshua Murray · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good book overall. I've been a therapist working specifically with teenagers for over a decade, so this wasn't new material for me, but it's very well put together, and I greatly appreciate all the citations for more pointed research.

This is going toward the top of my recommendation lists for parents with some caveats. I know some of the examples are likely to make some parents go 'nuh uh, not doing that" and truthfully I would have a hard time with some, even though I have seen the general principles be true.

Something to note is that while the book does address some major behavioral challenges, there is, in my opinion, a skew toward the more affluent. There are many examples of parents and adolescents worried about acceptance into top colleges, and while this is worth addressing, I would love to see more examples relevant to lower and middle income families for whom completing high school or getting an associates at the local community college is a milestone.

[April · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would have called this book “Jujitsu Parenting” as you are never using your own force in parenting your kids, but using their force to get the results you desire. So….I am not sure that I am a patient, calm, cool, collected and savvy enough parent to pull off the conversations and methods they describe in this book, but I do think they have a lot of good insights into human psychology. The liberal bias was annoying…a very secular humanist approach to the meaning of life with - interestingly - lots of grace. But I appreciated the emphasis on respecting and listening to and not exasperating our children with our own agendas like attending an elite college being the pinnacle of success.

[Devorah Heitner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent, research based guide backed by two authors with years of experience and so much empathy for teens and their stressed out parents. I love this book and have recommended it to friends. It is one thing to understand that our kids need autonomy, it is another to know how to have the conversations without just throwing up your hands. Grateful to the authors--I will do a better job mentoring my middle-school aged son having read this.

[AmericanPragmatist · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great for parents of tweens and teens. Dispels the myth of parenting by fear. It places the crux of a lot of relationship and behavioral issues on a parent’s own anxiety, which may be difficult for some but I think is true. It also stresses the importance of kids being responsible for their own decisions (with parents stepping in for safety but not merely to help them).

[Rob Mills · Rating 4 out of 5]

The name caught my attention and I gave it a read. Very well written, I liked all the tangible examples. I listened to this on audio (with my kids in the car) and enjoyed the narration. My kids are small vs this book aimed toward teens but it is still a yelp. A good reminder that parents need to lead by example, ie if you're anxious and stressed out then you can pass that along to your kids.

[Lona · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a high school teacher and as parent, I found this book to be incredibly useful and practical. I have recommended it to several people. I thought I was pretty positive in the pep talks I give teens and my own tweens, but this book is chock full of useful and practical dialogue for actually affecting motivation and changing behavior.

[Rebecca Rolland · Rating 5 out of 5]

A helpful book especially for parents of preteens and teens with multiple examples and scenarios. I didn't find it as useful if you're the parent of a younger child, but overall, the analysis of family dynamics and the strategies to raise your self-awareness of your own tendencies were right on. Especially in pandemic times, this is a recommended read.

[Marcella · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommended if you spend any time with kids, toddlers through teens, as a parent, teacher, coach, or grandparent. What we say, or don't say, makes a difference in our relationship with kids and how much we are able to support and guide them. This book helps you find the words, as well as a healthy state of mind to be in when sharing them.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️
Great information, but hard to apply. I need the authors with an earpiece telling me what to say in the moment. Might be helpful to have a physical copy to refer back to. I listened to the audio and it was good, but I didn’t feel like it had solid action steps I could move forward with. I do like the idea of collaboration with teens to help them learn the principles on their own.

[Elana Porat · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m already on my 2nd run of the book, have listened to it on many rides to work and now keep it on my bedside table. So much helpful advice, so user-friendly, a parent manual that needs to be kept n my back pocket - for reference, deep reading, or reflection. It’s like a parenting sedative. And don’t forget, always stay with empathy.

[Kari · Rating 3 out of 5]

While generally good advice and techniques all around, I found application unrealistic and even contradictory at times. But perhaps that's because different circumstances and kids call for different approaches. Biggest take away was to not treat everything like such an emergency. Calm down, most things aren't life or death and we can figure it out. Also, connection trumps all.

[Alana · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love the options for working WITH kids instead of having to "be the boss" all the time. I would have liked some more examples of how to apply some of these concepts with very young (toddler/preschool) children, though, as they can't think as reasonably as some of these elementary age examples. So 4.5 rounded up.

[Tamlynem · Rating 5 out of 5]

Disclosure: I know one of the authors of this book. I think they put a lot of different things together in an insightful way. I also found myself thinking about some of these relationship strategies in terms of work and marriage as well.

[Alesia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having a kiddo with some anxiety issues has not been fun for either of us, so I turned to this book for some advice! Great advice and for sure would recommend this to parents of kiddos who might be going thru some tough stuff!

[C · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would give this books more than 5 stars if I could. It’s incredible. A great mix of brain science, anecdotes from the authors’ clients and own families, and concrete examples of actual conversations. An absolutely essential read for parents of preteens and teens. Wow.

[Hilary May · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not really a cover to cover read. I generally love these guys advice although I preferred The Thriving Child to this one really. This one probably too focussed on American school system to be so relevant in other countries.

[J.j. · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5/5

As far as parenting books go, this one seems to have hit at the right time, but is also full of practical uses, not just stuff that might work in theory. Authors give actual words you can use.