Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills to Help Your Child Regulate Emotional Outbursts and Aggressive Behaviors

by Pat Harvey, Jeanine Penzo

Temper tantrums in the supermarket. Tears that seem to come out of nowhere. Battles over homework that are more like wars. When your child has problems regulating his or her emotions, there's no hiding it. Children with intense emotions go from 0 to 100 in seconds and are prone to frequent emotional and behavioral outbursts that leave parents feeling bewildered and helpless. Other parents may have told you that it's just a phase or that your child needs discipline. In reality, your child may have emotion dysregulation, a tendency to react intensely to situations other children take in stride. Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions is an effective guide to de-escalating your child's emotions and helping your child express feelings in productive ways. You'll learn strategies drawn from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), including mindfulness and validation skills, and practice them when your child's emotions spin out of control. This well-researched method for managing emotions can help your child make dramatic emotional and behavioral changes that both of you will be proud of.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Mental Health, Health, Family

207 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2009

About the author

ACSW LCSW-C

Reviews

[Ann Single · Rating 4 out of 5]

In someways I wish I had seen this book a lot sooner, in others I'm glad I've only seen it more recently when the techniques described seem to be generally helping our family. I guess many people eventually arrive at them themselves but it is good to be reassured about the approach and even offered a few turns of phrase for some of those difficult conversations. Raising a child with intense emotions can be overwhelming and incredibly isolating. It leaves parents grieving and with a great gulping need and, if there is no medical diagnosis to offer teachers and friends to explain the behaviour, parents may sorely need some sort of validation for their and their child's experience. I think this book has merit in validating the lives and challenges of these families and offers practical help without pretending that there are quick and easy fixes.

[Danae · Rating 2 out of 5]

Since you're wondering, the problem I was trying to address is a child who dissolves into hysterical tears at the slightest sign of disappointment or being corrected. This book was more directed at children who react by throwing things and yelling, so a lot of the suggestions for those things didn't help me anyway. But here's the thing-- this book really should just market itself as a regular parenting book. Its advice is mostly of the obvious and common-sense variety-- "talk to your child in a calm voice," "try to have a routine," "try looking at things from your child's point of view,"; Most of the suggestions in this book left me saying, "Well, yeah," and I cannot think of a single suggestion that I found truly helpful. There was also a weird Buddhist slant about "being present in the moment" that I thought more distracting than helpful-- although I think what they were trying to say was that if you find yourself reacting, not to just this specific situation, but to all the previous battles with your child and all the future ones you're afraid of, it's harder to manage what is going on now, but the way the phrase it is somewhat off-putting. Also, this book is not particularly technical or complicated, so I found the summary at the end of every 10-page chapter to be unnecessary; if you really want to read this book, you could save a lot of time by just reading the summary page at the end of each chapter, because the ideas don't really require the other 9 pages of explanation. All in all, I was pretty disappointed in this book.

[Maureen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent and helpful introduction to DBT with the goal of parents being able to understand and help their teens. While geared towards specific teen issues and behaviors (with in-depth chapters focused on eating disorders, ocd, drugs and other risky behaviors) I found it very helpful for all relationships and am excited about try out the skills I have learned. I think it is a great resource all around that I would recommend to everyone.

[Brian · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is very light on information about DBT or specific DBT skills a child can utilize. The majority of the book is directed at changing the parenting approach and covers much of the same ground as any peaceful parenting philosophy (acknowledge your child's feelings, empathize, problem solve together, etc.), but written in a very clinical tone. At the same time, it also recommends other techniques like reward systems and time outs.
Even though it comes off as a mixed bag of approaches, the parenting techniques described for specific situations are very clearly laid out for anyone not familiar with these parenting styles and would benefit from step-by-step descriptions.
It does earn an extra star for very accurately describing the struggles of parenting children with intense emotions, and encouraging them to find support and effective self-care techniques.

[Tanya · Rating 3 out of 5]

While this book had good ideas, albeit not novel, on validation and some behavioral techniques, it stopped there. I was hoping for greater in-depth explanations on how to tailor DBT to children, but did not get the information I was looking for.

[Ann Feutz · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't have children, but I work with them.
This seems like a decent resource and I would recommend it for anyone working or raising a child with emotional dysregulation.

[Alexis · Rating 3 out of 5]

A resource for parents who are just starting their child in therapy.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m not sure how much DBT was actually in this book, since it is a new concept for me. Most of the book was just the basics of Positive Parenting, except with rewards and punishments (maybe due to this being published 15 years ago?). I did really appreciate the bit about accepting your child exactly as they are, while at the same time expecting them to do better. The reminders that your child is doing the best they can were also nice, since it can be easy to lose track of that when you have an explosive child.

One slightly baffling thing: Even though the book was published in 2009, most of the references are from the 1930’s or earlier.

[Ciara Wilkie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was very insightful and had a lot of practical advice. I was given this book by my therapist as I work with teens who have intense emotions.

This book discusses intense emotions, using DBT skills to help teens as well as yourself. The book addresses major concerns like self harm and mental illness and self care for parents.

I would recommend this book if you're working with teenagers who have intense emotional reactions.

[Katie Wiedrich · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found a ton of useful information in this book for parenting a child with intense emotions. I’d say the 1st 65% of this book was the most beneficial for as my child isn’t physically aggressive and also doesn’t struggle with education. But definitely found some very helpful tools! Worth the read for anyone with a child that has high emotions!

[Jaie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found parts of this book very helpful. I've re-read those parts and am working to implement them.

[Jenny]

DBT is my favorite and my best.

[Paty Yañez · Rating 4 out of 5]

I will read it once more. Has many practical applications ready to use!
This is a most for teen parents.

Highly recommend!

[Elizabeth Ray · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, finally a parenting author who addresses what some of us are really going through!!!!! I found the mindset shifts and validation more helpful than anything else.

[Justin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Child is doing their best at this moment but can do better in the future with your help
No multitasking
Validate
Talk about behavior
Don't use judging words
Don't diminish feelings
Keep track of triggers and take them into account

[Antoinette Perez · Rating 3 out of 5]

A little oversimplified, but at least the basic approach is consistent with a lot of other parenting literature out there. The reminder that your child is doing the best he or she can do right now, and there is room for improvement, is helpful and nurturing for any parent to read. Some of the "case studies" sound a little too good to be true, I.e. the child whose emotions are out of control agrees to go to her room to cool off simply because her father offers that option (yeah, right!). Said child cools off, and everyone is happy! Yay!

A more accurate title might be "Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions [Lite]."

[Ginger · Rating 4 out of 5]

In the end I found this book very insightful and was able to take with me several good nuggets of advice. The anecdotes and descriptions of intensely emotional children were spot on leading me to believe the author is familiar with which she write.
This was not the easiest read and felt disorganized. I'm still unsure what dialectical behavior therapy is! However, the 4 stars are for the simple bullet points I managed to glean that do genuinely work on my emotionally intense children AND for just the validation you get from reading that other people experience this too and have resorted to the same lifestyle changes you have and that's the proper response even if it's not the norm.

[Tina · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book provides realistic scenarios and practical applications for dealing with a teen who has intense emotions. There is minimal explanation about why your teen would act the way they do - no brain science or aggregate data. The point of the book is to help a person understand what is most helpful from the standpoint of behavior and response. It achieves this, and can be read early in a parent's attempt to learn how they can best support their child.

[Just a person]

Book was recommended by my child's psychologist. Had some decent techniques for parents but nothing ground breaking.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

like all parenting books not all of it will speak to you or your child but a great book about understanding children's emotions. One to come back to

[Holland Cox · Rating 4 out of 5]

Was recommended by Max's work colleague. I always love some DBT so wanted to read this one even though our teen does NOT display intense emotions (he's chill to a fault sometimes and we struggle to get inside his head even a little).

As a DBT pro (read: freak! that's a judgment!), a lot of this was a refresher course for me on some of the skills that are most applicable to parenting through mild to severe crises. This book ditched a lot of the typical DBT acronyms while holding true to the "both/ and" nature of balancing acceptance based skills with change based skills. I would love a teen companion version as well with some of these skills laid out in the same real-life format.

Downsides:
- Does not always provide an in-the-moment framework for how to handle situations, which is why the acronyms are admittedly very helpful in textbook DBT. It takes a lot of practice to get these skills down.
- Not the most applicable to my current life situation/ family. (Our teenager is perfect don't @ me!)
- Spent a lot of time reassuring parents they are doing great and going to be ok - which, dialectically, we can hold as true AND still interrogate, unpack, and accept that a lot of times our behavior with our kids in their childhood/ adolescence/ teen years are harmful and we are not above reproach.

Upsides:
- Doesn't stray away from hard topics like self injury, substance use, etc. Does go kinda light tho, like I just don't think it's effective to be parenting a weed smoking teenager in the same way as one shooting dope because of the vast difference in safety & accessibility concerns. You know? We can't be as 'strict' with a weed smoker or as 'easygoing' with an opioid user (using these terms loosely) because of the objective differences in their substances of choice.
- LOVE the emphasis on not obsessing and relating everything back to your teen's targeted behaviors. Unlike some other advice/ articles I've read on parenting teens, it urges you to bond with your kiddo holistically and not be like, "remember that one time you did XYZ behavior? Let's dredge that up for the sake of me being a good parent!"
- Gives practice activities and exercises that are actually doable and accessible.

[Eileen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book gave a real life application of DBT skills and exercises learned in other books I recently read.

Although it is not necessary, it was very helpful to have read other books on DBT before this one. I already was introduced to the concept and some of the ideas and skills used in DBT. It was helpful to have an idea of what DBT is as some of the concepts and ideas can seem a bit contradictory or even counterproductive. IMO, DBT is effective even if you don’t struggle with regulating intense emotions. They provide good tools to teach emotional health to young children just learning to navigate their emotions and the emotions world around them.

Some things I learned/took away

- We - children and adults - are all doing our best while also working to do better.

- Be clear in your expectations. Don’t assume your children know what is appropriate behavior. They need options and examples of what is expected behavior. It is best if we model this behavior for them.

- There is no one way to parent effectively. Effective parenting is doing what works best for each child. It is better to encourage them when they do what is expected rather than tell them what not to do. Consistency is key.

These are only a few of the helpful ideas presented in this book. There are many more. You can choose what works best for you. Also, the audiobook was extra helpful in trying to digest some of the concepts. It’s informationally dense and can easily get overwhelming. The audio makes it easier to break it into smaller pieces and gives another way to process the information.

I recommend this for all parents. Not just ones struggling with kids with intense emotions but also ones who already have a solid foundation for their kids. The more tools we can give our children to be able to do better the more successful they will be.

[Lyz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good book to read as a parent--whether your child falls into the "emotional outbursts and aggressive behaviors" category or not. I found some good reminders about child development, some validating assertions regarding things I already do as a parent, and enough suggestions about things to try moving forward that this book felt worth my time. While picked this book up looking for tips to help one of my children specifically, I found it contained suggestions and advice I can use with all three. The strategies described mesh with my own ideas about how to parent, and the suggestions for further development fit within that paradigm. I'm glad I made time for this one.

[Caitlin Sandage · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book as a cousnelor looking for a solid resource to reccomend to parents, I find that for the most part the book is validating, aligns with DBT and is non stigmatizing. My only Ick with this text is that they switch between pronouns used; using her in parts of the text where symptoms
would typically be seen in girls (more verbal/eating based and Him, in the parts about symptoms usually
seen in boys (more aggressive acts). It’s an sick I can live with and i will
reccomend the book simply explaining that their teens symptoms may include any of the mentioned symptoms and that we don’t want to stereotype.

[Ash · Rating 5 out of 5]

Where was this book when I needed it 5 years ago????? Concise, clear, and very helpful little book. It focuses less on specific discipline, actions and consequences, and more on overall lifestyle changes to make with an intense child. I've read so many parenting books looking for ideas to discipline my child and train him, but they seem to assume that once you try it a few times it'll just work. This book knows you are opening it because that sort of direction has failed. I liked it especially where it speaks directly to the parent about staying encouraged, taking care of yourself, and how to talk to others when your child is being intense publicly.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I'd read this book several years ago. Much of what is in here is information and techniques I figured out via trial and error, or cobbled together from multiple sources over the years, but everything in this book felt so validating. I have seen the difference this approach can make, and am glad for the reassurance that we're on the right track. Some parts were also a reminder that there are others struggling with more complicated situations. I recommend this book to anyone dealing with similar parenting challenges.

[Cassie Cappelli · Rating 5 out of 5]

My son was recently diagnosed with an emotional dysregulation disorder. This book was recommended to read by a support group. I found it very helpful. It’s unique in the sense that it not only helps you understand and help your child, but it also supports you as a parent. The book is written in a way that acknowledges the difficulties we face and offers encouragement and ideas. I am very grateful for it. I have already started using some of the strategies in my home and they have helped immensely. Thank you, authors! ❤️

[Jamie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book took me a long time to read because it’s exhausting having 2 “children with intense emotions.” I can only talk about what that really means with my husband and my therapist— the things my boys do and say… Orry’s therapeutic day school therapist encouraged me to read this book and I’m glad I did. When we stopped intellectually engaging Orry when he’s elevated and just listened and validated his feelings, we bypasses many tantrums that could have turned dangerous. I’ll be taking notes from the many pages I dog eared. I’m glad there are books like these for parents of kids like mine.

[Kerry Pickens · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a probably a good book for first time parents with younger kids, but for more experienced parents with older kids it's not new information. For the parent of a troubled teenager, you need training in trauma informed care and different mental health diagnosis. I have an adopted son that went through a great of deal of abuse as a child, and I don't see these strategies being effective with him.

[Julie Furman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is still helpful even though it's no longer a "new" book. The techniques can be applied to all people, not just children. I found it helpful for myself personally, as well as improving communication with my husband, and with handling my own child's strong emotions.

This book is not just for families with kids who have diagnosable mental health or emotional disorders. It's for everyone who has a child that doesn't just go along with instructions or what others are doing.