The Wonder of Boys : What Parents, Mentors and Educators Can Do to Shape Boys into Exceptional Men

by Michael Gurian (Narrator)

Offers practical and effective guidelines for channeling boys' natural aggression, competitiveness, and sense of tribe and initiation into productive, disciplined behavior, and explores the relationships necessary to male development.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Education, Family, Self Help, Childrens

2 pages, Audio Cassette

First published January 1, 1996

About the author

Michael Gurian is an American author and social philosopher. He works as a marriage and family counselor and corporate consultant. He has published twenty-eight books, several of which were New York Times bestseller list bestsellers. He is considered, along with Leonard Sax, as one of the major proponents of the post-modern "single-sex academic classes" movement.
Gurian taught at Gonzaga University, Eastern Washington University, and Ankara University. His work tends to focus on sex differences and how they contribute to learning.
He is also a co-founder of the Gurian Institute, which trains professionals who deal with the developmental aspects of childhood. The Gurian Institute has trained more than 60,000 teachers from over 2,000 different schools. Some of these schools become "GI Model Schools" and aim to leverage the role gender plays in learning styles.

Reviews

[Frrobins · Rating 1 out of 5]

The Good

While my review is predominately negative, there were a few redeeming qualities to this book. It calls for fathers to be involved with their children. He also brought up the point that the US is one of the few societies in the world where mom and dad alone are expected to raise their children. Other societies rely heavily on extended family and friends for assistance. He calls for a more communal approach to raising children and has positive things to say about day care as a way of building a village for a child if the parents put the effort in to make the day care workers part of the family. He also calls for the acceptance of boys who are gay.

I also liked his idea of using stories as a teaching tool for moral behavior and development.

The Bad

The science. Gurian maintains that science backs that idea that boys are inherently different from girls. The problem is the research does not support his assumptions. He perpetuates the myth that boys are better at math than girls without realizing that the differences aren't statistically significant. For those who aren't familiar with statistics, when an experiment is run there's a possibility that the results derived from the experiment were due to chance, not correlation. They have a neat formula that they can use to figure out whether or not the results were due to chance. If the number isn't high enough, then the results aren't statistically significant and likely are due to chance. So boys scored 2% higher than girls in math...and it wasn't statistically significant! Meaning it was most likely due to chance! For a more thorough discussion of this, I refer you to Carol Tavris' "The Mismeasure of Women."

Further, more research has supported the contention that environmental factors are at play with the difference in math skills. Just type in "boys are better at math myth" on Google and several research studies will pop up explaining this.

Gurian maintains that testosterone also plays a role in making boys intrinsically different. He cites that people in jail high higher testosterone levels. OK, now repeat this with me: Correlation does not equal causation! Once again, Gurian tries to make an open and shut case for the role that testosterone plays in behavior when that data is rather mixed (look up testosterone studies). Do higher testosterone levels drive boys to behave more aggressively, or does behaving aggressively cause testosterone levels to rise?

He even mentions environmental factors in his book as while dismissing their potential significance for shaping aggressive behavior. He cites evidence that baby boys are cuddled and breastfed less than baby girls. Are boys aggressive because of excess testosterone, or are they more aggressive because they weren't cuddled and breastfed as much as girls? Gurian seems to think it's solely the former rather than the latter. He even includes a quote from a women wondering if it was okay for her four-year-old son to hit her. I doubt that someone would ask if it's okay for a four-year-old girl to hit. I have seen with my own eyes someone excusing the aggressive behavior of a boy toddler away because he was a boy and becoming more boyish. Girls are discouraged from acting aggressively. Yet Gurian completely discounts this.

The third thing he uses to justify innate gender differences is brain structure differences. While there are differences in how mens and womens' brains are shaped and structured, he doesn't provide any proof that these actually result in behavioral or achievement differences. The brain is very malleable. For instance, my husband had a bad seizure when he was 3 that killed half of his brain. The left half of his brain is dead. He only has use of the right half of his brain. Yet he has a Master's degree, holds a job, and no one who knew him would guess that half of his brain is not functioning unless told so. And he's not the only one. Other children have had parts of their brain removed due to seizures or other injuries, and you would not guess it about them unless they told you.

Then he uses evolutionary psychology to justify the notion that men are compelled to spread their seed. Evolutionary psychology is on shaky grounds. Behavior leaves no fossil evidence. Back then there were no written records to tell us what life was like. How can we conclusively say anything about how behavior evolved as a result? We can't.

Based on this misuse of science, he then makes sweeping generalizations that all boys are aggressive, relish competition, and are slaves to testosterone. This is as insulting to boys and men as it is limiting. And to think that something as complex as a human being is relegated merely to the influences of one hormone and brain structure differences is a dangerous simplification. Boys face complex problems today because we live in a complex world. Yet the crux of his argument is that boys face problems today as a result of the feminist movement trying to turn boys into girls.

I really had to wonder if Gurian was at all aware that we currently live in an era mired in the backlash against the feminist movement. He maintains that attacks by feminists against the good old patriarchy is the root of the problem. According to Gurian we live in a world where organized sports are constantly under threat, the Boy Scouts of America has been dismantled, and boys are expected to take sewing lessons or something. Reality check, organized sports are alive and well, as are the Boy Scouts, and boys babies are given clothes with trucks that are blue and girl babies are given clothes with lace that are pink. Go to the toy store where toys are segregated into "girl's toys" and "boy's toys." Where is this system wide extermination of masculinity? I don't see it anywhere. Honestly, here he becomes truly alarmist and preys into our societies fears and misconceptions about the feminist movement.

He blames feminists for the decline of masculinity because we fear it, without realizing that what we object to is not masculinity, but rigid gender roles and the abuse of power that sometimes accompanies patriarchal institutions. He maintains that feminists have labeled men as abusers without realizing that men who abused their power put themselves in the position of abuser. Feminists put a name to their unreasonable actions and asked that they be held accountable for it.

According to him, feminism is to blame for problems that boys face today, without examining other societal factors. He cites that boys are no longer expected to be warriors without taking into account things such as the creation of nuclear weapons and a growing consciousness about the detriments of war. He talks about how boys don't have mentors anymore without taking into account sex abuse scandals and the fears people have about putting their children in the care of a pedophile. He at least mentions America's individualistic nature. Other societal factors he neglects to mention that harm boys is the focus on testing and performance in schools and parents attempting to raise baby Einstein's, leaving no room for free play in children's schedules. Unrealistic expectations of masculinity: what about the boys who aren't competitive and interested in sports who get bullied because they aren't masculine enough? He doesn't even address this, though I guess according to him such a boy does not exist. These are just a few of the things I can think of that are harming boys today, yet Gurian puts the blame squarely on the shoulders' of feminists.

And mothers. He attacks mothers for turning children against their fathers during divorce. Honestly, I only seen one divorce where both parents acted reasonably and didn't use the children against each other. All too often BOTH parents use the children as weapons against their partner. Yet mothers get all the blame. And in his chapter on what sons need from their mothers, he spends most of it discussing single mothers and how boys need male role models. Well, my husband and I are happily married with no plans to divorce, so what does my son need from me?

According to Gurian, a lot of nurture during the early years, and then to let him go and let my husband make him a man. Um, okay. That was so not helpful.

Like some feminists have enshrined the Myth of the Matriarchy, he has created and enshrined his own Myth of Masculinity. He maintains that kings used to understand their sacred duty to their people, and their subjects responded favorably. I don't think history is Mr. Gurian's strong suit, or he'd know that a lot of kings abused their power, cheated on their wives (ever heard of the position of royal mistress?), and had to keep tight control on the nobles to prevent them from revolting against them. He sees the past through rose tinted glasses where communities helped to raise boys who never abused power, when history is replete with just the opposite.

Which makes his solutions to the problem so unsatisfying. Get boys in organized sports. Okay. What about the athletes who steal, rape, murder their wives? Get boys into the military. Is he aware of the high rates of spousal abuse among men in the military? Once again, I don't object to organized sports or the military, but I don't see it as a fix all solution. Especially because he never addresses how to ensure that boys won't abuse power if they find themselves in a position to wield it.

So in essence, Gurian has twisted scientific evidence to simplify a complex problem and offered a simple solution that doesn't even begin to address the complexity needed to fix it. This book was rather unsatisfying. I did not feel as though I got a good picture of the challenges that would face my son and how to help him navigate life. I was very disappointed.

[Libby · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was very disappointed by this book, partly because I had such high hopes from the central message ("Boys are different from girls, both are equally valuable, here are some ways to nurture the boys in your life.")

My complaints are that the suggestions tend to be more theoretical than practical, and I'm completely unimpressed by talk of spirituality that literally bends over backwards to avoid advocating religion. The chapter directed at mothers seems unhelpful because it's filled more with things to avoid instead of things to do. Finally, the recurring detail of mentioning "our ancestral past," often in comparison with tribal cultures, really irked me. Who's ancestral past? Which culture are you talking about? In what specific cultural and/or historical contexts did such-and-such happen?

If you read the first 2 chapters, you'll get the overall gist of the book, and, unless a specific later chapter sparks your interest, you can save time and skip the rest.

[Chanelle · Rating 1 out of 5]

Since I have agreed with most of the books I've read I was beginning to wonder if I have a mind of my own or if I just believe everything I read. Well, this book gave me my answer.

I don't agree with the majority of the author's stances on what is appropriate boy behavior and how parents should interact with them. He claims it is okay and actually good for parents to "diss" their sons into behaving correctly. And there were so many other things that I was baffled by that I had to ask my husband's opinion of what he thought to see if maybe I was just being an woman. But, my husband agreed with me. He said that many of the things that the author taught are the norm with boys right now, but that it doesn't make it right. Especially if we are raising men and not "guys".

The author also seemed to constantly talk about all the learning that he has done about boys, but then would only state a couple sentences on what it was and how we, as parents, can help them. For instant ~ When he says what a boy needs from a mother it is basically the feeding and cuddling that is done when they are babies and that we (mothers) should let them go at kindergarten age. Then he skips from kindergarten to early adolescence and again states that we need to let them be. Gee ~ that was a lot of help (can you understand my sarcastic tone? ;) )

So basically ~ I DO NOT recommend this book! ;) If you want to know a little more about how boys work and what makes them tick, year by year, read "So You Want to Raise a Boy?" by W. Cleon Skousen. It pegs my son exactly and has helped me to understand him so much better.

Even though I didn't learn anything new from this book to help me with my son, I learned that I do have opinions separate from authors! :)

[Danielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

2nd reading- Oct. 13, 2021- This book was filled with practical reminders on how best to parent a boy. Each time I read this, I come away with a practice or truth at the forefront of my mind different from what I clasped onto before = we don't need new info but need to be reminded of what we already know (somewhere in my head).

1st reading- May 10, 2020- Great, practical information about how to raise boys in a healthy environment!

[Brian Kramp]

This is an interesting book that was introduced to me by a Boy Scouts of America trainer. My wife and I both read it, and came away with better understandings about how boys are different, and what approaches we need to think about differently. What follows is not a concise summary or review of the book, but key points and takeaways.

The first section of the book makes it very clear that boys are different from girls, and not because we nurture them to be, but by nature. It cites research about increased testosterone in the brain during development that leads the right side to grow faster, leading to increased focus on spatial relationships and activity (including math). While girls’ more balanced brain improves reading, verbal, and social skills.

Boys thrive in and need competition. They must find ways to compete and see themselves as performing well. If society does not provide them with these opportunities, they will compete against society itself through drugs and gangs. Boys also show empathy differently. Since they are usually focused and task oriented, you can teach them to show delayed empathy, like after the play or game.

One of the key insights in the book is that boys need 3 families:

1. The birth family who raises the kid.
2. Extended families, including teachers, friends, and close role models.
3. Community, church, and other large groups providing social norms.

Where have all the values gone? The answer is perfectly simple. We’re lonesome. We don’t have enough friends or relatives anymore.

In our study of children of divorce, we didn’t see a single child who was well-adjusted. And we didn’t see a single child to whom divorce was not the central event of their lives.

On some fathers seeming detached (perhaps more of a 90s problem?):

An evolutionary view of the father-son relationship reveals that the key problem in our age is not that once upon a time individual fathers were deeply intimate with sons and now they are not. It is better summed up, once upon a time men in general were intimate with boys through male kinship systems involving fathers, uncles, grandfathers and mentors. Now those systems are pretty much broken down, leaving dad to be the only king a son has but forced to work most of the time; often at a job that makes him feel more like a mule than a king….Both mothers and fathers must seek their own support systems, and both must let the other go.

Poem by Douglas A MacArthur:

Build me a son, O Lord,
who will be strong enough to know when he is weak,
and brave enough to face him self when he is afraid;
one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat,
and humble and gentle in victory.
Build me a son whose wishbone will not be
where his backbone should be;
a son who will know Thee- and that
to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge.
Lead him, I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort,
but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge.
Here, let him learn to stand up in the storm;
here, let him team compassion for those who fall.
Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goals will be high;
a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men;
one who will learn to laugh, yet never forget how to weep;
one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.
And after all these things are his,
add, I pray, enough of a sense of humor,
so that he may always be serious,
yet never take himself too seriously.
Give him humility, so that he may always remember
the simplicity of true greatness,
the open mind of true wisdom,
the meekness of true strength.
Then I, his father, will dare to whisper,
"I have not lived in vain."

The book talks a lot about guiding boys through a hero’s journey that shows the coming of age story, and what it means to be a man. He discusses Jack and the Beanstalk in these terms, where he’s sent to market, and ends up saving the family.

If boys appear to be spending too much time in a single task, the way to take them out of it is by offering a replacement with them, rather than setting a time limit.

Techniques for healthy discipline:

Show the effect of his inappropriate action.
Redirect aggressive energies to an inanimate object. (pillow)
Use a stern tone of voice.
Give a time out.
Choose a diversion or distraction.
Ignore his refusal. Can remind after a minute.
Provide choices. Negotiate.
Take away privileges
Use positive expectations. "You can do it."
Make things into games whenever possible.
Focus boys on the challenge of the task. Can you make it a game?
Teach through mistakes.
Regarding sexuality. Teach about the difference between sex, love, and commitment. Teach them how to think about sex. Talk about abstinence and virginity, birth control, pregnancy and its impact, and abortion. Teach boys codes of relating: “If you say this to a girl she might think.”

As my personal takeaways from the book, it made me realize that the boys needed have have more time with “extended family,” which includes good friends, and role models. It made me better appreciate the role of sports and competition. It made me better prepared for upcoming, important puberty talks.

[Rachel]

I found the range of reviews on this book fascinating. Why is it than when an alternative viewpoint is brought up people interpret it as an attack on their own? I see nothing wrong with his stating that boys/men see the world and are "wired" differently than girls/women. I hope that is the case--differences are what make this world worth living in.

Instead of battling with one another, maybe we should figure out how to yoke our abilities together in order to make something greater than ourselves. Our society is in desperate need of a common vision and purpose that will take us to greater places than we have been before. Let's see and find the wonder in working in this journey of life together through our different talents, abilities, and strengths.

[Kelly Swiryn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not organized in a way that would allow you to skim through it. The lessons are buried within, and most apply to girls too. Worthwhile for its particular audience, I guess. It was mostly just the author's opinions, which I don't mind using as a starting point for interesting conversations with parents and teachers.

[Lloyd · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book, and it's author, changed the way I understand the genders. The book is organized in a way that explains the science and the anecdotes side-by-side for the reader, as well as offering valuable insight into the male brain. As I read it, I realized that my own brain functions much the same way and it explained a lot, not only with the way I interact with my son, but also in understanding why I think the WAY I think. Great book. I have since read several other books by Michael Gurian and others about structural brain differences between genders.

I recommend this book for those folks looking for a clinical or scientific approach to understanding your boys.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this first 20 years ago when it first came out, in the event that I would be called upon to raise a boy. I was blown away by it at the time, and was so pleased that in the re-reading, I found I'd internalized a good bit as my own parenting strategy. I've found it continues to be useful and relevant in its practical application, although the first reading was more enlightening - Gurian makes a case for social policy / public policy changes and those elements are naturally dated. I'm sure that an updated edition or even other experts might be a better choice for today's first reader, but it still feels classically useful to me.

[Deirdre K · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked the insights into male psychology and the world of boys. But I recommend reading it in light of the author's own childhood experiences. Can't help feeling his own strained relationship with his mother feeds a lot of his advice and overall attitude toward mothers.

[Melissa Stuart Barnett · Rating 2 out of 5]

This could have been better. Just too much psychobabble for me. What it did tell me is that I understand precious little about boys and men.

[Beth Haynie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was a little disappointed in this book. I was hoping for some concrete, real-life situational advice in raising a boy. Much of the book felt theoretical and…nice…without the “grit” of actuality. Much of the “evidence” focused on “evolution” but failed to indicate how those traits became encoded, a process of which I am highly skeptical. Overall an ok read but not nearly as practical as I wanted.

[Gabriela · Rating 3 out of 5]

Inspiring, useful and eye opening. Boys need different things to grow into mature responsible adults and I loved reading about this aspect

[Ginny Yurich · Rating 5 out of 5]

How to help boys transition into manhood and so much more

[Emily Schatz · Rating 2 out of 5]

I went into this book with high hopes at a somewhat sensitive time of my life; I was expecting my second child and first son, and looking for an antidote to the wisecracks of friends and acquaintances that I was in for it now with two kids, and especially with a boy.

The first few chapters contained a lot of interesting neuroscience on boys' brains and how they develop. I couldn't help wishing that this information was newer than 20 years old--surely there is more research into this now. Still, it was good; unfortunately, it came hand in hand with lengthy excursus into evolutionary psychology that attempted to explain why boys and men are wired the way they are, which felt essentially fanciful and speculative, and which (I felt) distracted from the much more interesting neuroscience material at hand.

Following this, the book moved into discussing the kinds of environments boys need to flourish, as babies and toddlers, through school, and into adolescence. Again, much that was interesting, and much that I agreed with, including his thesis--pounded home over and over again--that the nuclear family is not sufficient unto itself in all matters of child-rearing, especially when those children are boys.

I stopped reading the book after the chapter on how mothers' relationships with their boys should look. I have read authors with whom I have disagreed, whom I found annoying, whom I found enraging because they were dishonest, or who simply left me cold. But until I read this book, I had never felt personally hurt or offended by an author through the printed page.

Gurian opens the chapter in question with a humorous quote--"Every woman is a whore, except my mother, who is a saint"--and proceeds to reveal how he never identified with that quote and had a difficult relationship with his own mom. (Fine. Sorry that was the case.) He then explains why he thinks it is so important for boys to learn about the world from their fathers, with their peers, and with other men. (Also fine, and I agree.) But throughout the chapter, the most he can bring himself to envision for mothers is a relationship wherein the mother coordinates an intricate web of influential male relationships that allow her to stay largely out of her son's hair, and wherein the son manages to avoid treating his mother with disrespect. Gurian spends a great deal of time on how difficult this is for single, divorced, or lesbian mothers, offering suggestions and empathizing with their plight--as is fair. But he never offers a positive vision of a healthy relationship between a mother and her son, or for that matter any vision at all for the home environment over which mothers have so much influence. It seemed to me that he thinks the best thing a mother can do for her son is to expend great amounts of organizational effort to keep herself out of the way.

The next chapter was about boys and their fathers. I probably would have benefited from reading it. Gurian is intelligent and well-spoken, draws on interesting research, and stands up on behalf of boys and their essentially constructive wiring in important ways that I respect. I am deeply inclined to agree with him that the "girl power" emphasis in education has often left boys in the lurch. But after the chapter about mothers, I simply couldn't muster the interest. I eventually returned it to the library unfinished, disappointed by what appeared to be his bitterness toward mothers and my own unrealized hope of being encouraged to delight in having a baby boy.

Thankfully, my son took care of that himself.

Maybe someday I will revisit Gurian's work (especially if he updates it). I don't like being defeated by a book.

[ukuklele · Rating 4 out of 5]

It takes a village to raise a child. The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth. Demikian pepatah yang konon katanya berasal dari Afrika, benua yang secara stereotipe tampak masih terbelakang, identik dengan kesukuan, makanya memerlukan satu desa untuk membesarkan seorang anak. Namun buku ini justru hendak menghidupkan kembali nilai-nilai tribalisme, berusaha menyesuaikannya dengan nilai-nilai kekinian yang telah bergeser semakin jauh ke titik seberang. Kesukuan telah berganti keterasingan, tribalisme versus individualisme. Masyarakat memandang tugas membesarkan seorang anak semata-semata tanggung jawab orang tua si anak dan lembaga tempatnya disekolahkan, padahal setiap orang dapat memiliki andil baik secara positif maupun negatif.

Nilai tribalisme yang dikemukakan buku ini di antaranya sistem tiga keluarga yang terdiri dari: 1) keluarga inti, yaitu keluarga yang masih sedarah, termasuk kakek-nenek, 2) keluarga luas, yang bukan keluarga inti tetapi masih berhubungan dekat, misalnya pengasuh, guru, teman sebaya, dan seterusnya, 3) kebudayaan dan komunitas, dapat berupa media, kelompok keagamaan, pemerintah, tokoh masyarakat, dan sebagainya. Ketiga macam keluarga ini adalah "suku" bagi seorang anak.

Tradisi kesukuan biasanya bersifat spiritual, serta memiliki ritual atau inisiasi. Melalui cara-cara semacam itu, potensi-potensi alamiah lelaki diarahkan. Bahkan peperangan merupakan cara untuk menyalurkan agresi yang secara alamiah dimiliki laki-laki.

Sebagai muslim, secara otomatis saya mengaitkan pengetahuan dalam buku ini dengan pengetahuan dalam agama saya. Kaitannya paling sedikit dengan dua hal, yang pertama dengan perkembangan Nabi Muhammad dan yang kedua dengan ritual-ritual dalam ajaran Islam.

Yang pertama, Nabi Muhammad dikenal sebagai manusia berakhlak paling mulia. Bahkan ia mendapat peringkat 1 dalam buku Seratus Tokoh yang Paling Berpengaruh dalam Sejarah Michael H. Hart. Padahal ia seorang yatim piatu yang tidak dibesarkan sendiri oleh orang tuanya. Sistem-tiga-keluarga dalam tribalisme, sebagaimana diuraikan dalam buku ini, seperti dapat menjelaskan secara logis kemungkinan pribadinya yang menakjubkan dapat terbina. Walaupun yatim piatu, ia memiliki banyak sosok pengasuh pengganti di sekitarnya. Ada ibu susu, ada kakek dan paman-pamannya. Ia hidup dalam tradisi kesukuan--suku Quraisy--sehingga sistem-tiga-keluarga itu ia miliki dan memungkinkannya tumbuh menjadi laki-laki dewasa yang sehat secara spiritual, moral, dsb.

Yang kedua, Islam memiliki sejumlah ritual yang terus dipertahankan hingga kini khususnya bagi laki-laki. Sebut saja: khitan, salat Jumat, salat fardu berjamaah di masjid, dst. Saya duga semuanya itu sesungguhnya merupakan bentuk inisiasi yang dibutuhkan untuk mematangkan pribadi laki-laki, sebagaimana yang dimaksudkan dalam buku ini. Bahkan buku ini menganjurkan agar sesering mungkin mengajari anak laki-laki untuk berpantang seksual dan menghargai keperjakaan (halaman 426) yang di dalam Islam caranya antara lain melalui puasa sunah dan menikah.

Walau demikian, buku ini tampak berhati-hati sekali dalam menyampaikan pesan-pesannya. Bagaimanapun, buku ini aslinya ditulis untuk pembaca Amerika (Serikat) tahun '90-an ke atas yang masyarakatnya telah demikian liberal. Buku ini memaklumi bahwa dewasa ini menghidupkan kembali pola tradisional-spiritual bisa jadi sudah tidak lagi memungkinkan, tapi paling tidak, perlu dicari alternatifnya. Misal: suku diganti dengan penitipan anak, perang dengan olahraga terorganisasi atau bela diri.

Begitu kita memasuki milenium selanjutnya, energi dekonstruksi ini secara bertahap berubah ke arah energi rekonstruksi karena kita telah menyadari bahwa perbuatan kita di tengah hiruk-pikuk perubahan ini telah menciptakan lubang menganga di dalam masyarakat maupun jiwa kita. Jadi, kita kini mengunjungi kembali masa lalu bukan untuk membuang hal-hal bagus yang sudah kita capai selama dasawarsa terakhir, melainkan untuk meraih kembali hal-hal bagus yang hilang dan menyatukannya dengan visi dan sistem progresif yang telah kita temukan. (halaman 432)

Maka buku ini tidak secara terang-terangan menyeru kepada perempuan agar kembali ke rumah dan mencurahkan lebih banyak waktu untuk anak, tetapi agar segenap komunitas berbagi tanggung jawab dalam membesarkan setiap anak. Namun, biarpun penulis mengaku sebagai "feminis-keluarga" dan tidak antifeminisme, saya merasakan mulai halaman 445 sampai beberapa halaman setelahnya tersirat kritik terhadap kesetaraan gender yang mana peningkatan ekonomi perempuan berimbas pada kehilangan pekerjaan laki-laki.

Apa yang tidak kita perhatikan saat kita dengan semangat menuntut peningkatan ekonomi bagi kaum perempuan adalah bahaya yang diakibatkan oleh perubahan itu terhadap laki-laki juga terhadap masyarakat secara keseluruhan. (halaman 446)

Di bagian belakang buku ini, solusi yang diajukan antara lain: 1) menggunakan tahap perkembangan moral Kohlberg (yang sepertinya relevan juga secara spiritual), cerita dilema moral, serta Sistem Plus 1 untuk membina moral anak setahap demi setahap (halaman 356), 2) untuk membina sistem-tiga-keluarga yang senilai, orang tua sendiri perlu aktif mengakrabkan diri dengan lingkungan sekitarnya serta mencarikan kegiatan yang sesuai bagi anak. Cara-cara ini tampak cukup berat, tapi inilah parenting!--usaha mendidik moral anak alih-alih membiarkannya berkembang ala kadarnya sehingga terbentuklah masyarakat akhir zaman yang hidupnya sehari-hari diwarnai berita pembunuhan, pencabulan, penipuan, dan seterusnya sebagaimana sekarang ....

Walaupun buku ini tentang membesarkan anak laki-laki dan untuk saat ini saya tidak mempunyai anak laki-laki untuk dibesarkan (baik anak kandung maupun anak orang, paling-paling anak imajiner yang telah mendorong saya untuk membaca ini :v), sehingga pembacaan pun banyak samarnya, sekali-sekali saya masih dapat mengaitkan diri. Dalam buku ini saya menemukan hal-hal yang kemungkinan membawa saya pada titik ini dan hal-hal yang masih perlu diperbaiki, serta melihat posisi saya dalam masyarakat dan bagaimana saya dapat tetap berkontribusi secara sosial. Setiap orang semestinya memiliki kesadaran bahwa tindak-tanduknya mungkin dicontoh oleh anak orang lain; maka saya pun termasuk "setiap orang" yang secara tidak langsung turut memiliki tanggung jawab membesarkan sekalipun bukan anak sendiri.

Timbul pula pikiran bahwa "kemandirian" atau "kesendirian" tidaklah sebegitu patut dibanggakan bila senyatanya terisolasi atau tidak mampu membangun relasi. Membangun keluarga baru tidak semestinya memutus hubungan persaudaraan dan pertemanan, sebagaimana yang lazim terjadi. Sebab, anak membutuhkan tidak hanya kedua orang tuanya tetapi juga keluarga kedua dan ketiga. Jika sewaktu-waktu salah satu atau kedua orang tuanya tidak lagi dapat mendampingi, keluarga kedua dan ketiga inilah yang akan menggantikan.

[Swail]

Probably one of the worst books I've read, which is unfortunate because SOME of the topics might be valid. However the author's blatant hatred of women gets very tiresome and makes one wary to put much weight into the rest of his opinions. A [sarcastic] summary: women ruin everything for boys and men; boys raised by single women are basically doomed to be failures; boys without religion are doomed and will never be able to love or act normal.

I won't waste my time pulling up specific lines (of which there are many to make one roll ones eyes), but there are many damning statements with little back up except his own and other people's opinions (he references a lot of other books). Gurian presents his brash opinions with very one sided biased arguments, rarely if ever, showing full context or relativity. Some of what he speaks to, such-and-such that boys need, are things girls need too. It's just a ridiculous opinionated book, lacking in real facts and is insulting to many people. The best parts are the two small subchapters about accepting gay boys and men - for those chapters I will give him credit.

I'm surprised this was able to go to print and am also surprised by any positive reviews I've read. A more objective re-write could create a decent, worthy read, if the author could get over his own mommy issues.

[Leahjoypro · Rating 3 out of 5]

Whew! I thought I'd never finish! There were definitely some things I liked about this book, but also some things I didn't. On the plus side: I learned a lot about boys biology, genetics, and brain chemistry (the first chapter was one of the most interesting). Also, I learned a lot about parenting teenage boys, and what it means to help them step confidently into manhood. I also learned why boys have a tendency to get into negative behaviors - from aggressive toddlers to teens in gangs, to grown men in prison - and what we can do re-direct those testosterone-driven urges. However, the book was very wordy, over-filled with the authors own opinions, and focused entirely too much on historic and tribal practices for my taste. Also, I could have lived without the vague "spirituality" references that permeated the whole book.
I will probably check back with this book when my boys are teenagers, as I felt there was some helpful information in dealing with boys in that age group.

[Katty · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really couldn’t get past the flawed logic of much of the book that boils down to “because cavemen did X, boys are evolutionarily programmed to do “Y”. First off we have very little data on specific behaviors our ancestors engaged in. Secondly this assumes that evolution stopped millions of years ago and is now a static process. Lastly there is absolutely no evidence how any of this informs how boys are today. Making evolutionary arguments about modern behaviors is Lamarckian at best and Kiplingist at worst.
In addition, many of the things he says that are supposedly specific to boys could be said about either sex (that boys need 3 families for example) . Everything he says takes on a gendered tone and is seen through a gendered heteronormative lens. I think if you follow the broad generalizations (and in my opinion incredibly sexist from both a female and male point of view) in this book as something you should apply to an individual child I think this will get you in trouble.

[Enci Box · Rating 2 out of 5]

I couldn't continue reading this book. I was hoping for so much more but it was repetitious, it was full of references about how boys are inherently born as warriors, which I think is a complete bullshit. That's when I had to stop. Man are wired to protect and for adventure, not to kill and fight. When people raise boys with this mindset, they are messing up a beautiful generation of men. Boys are a Wonder and they are WONDERFUL! But a book like this will screw up that wonder! Do yourself a favor and read Raising Cain instead!

[Ked Dixon · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is SUPER 1990’s and treats a lot of mezzo and macro level problems as individual problems.

I realize this is a personal issue for me as a clinician, but given the prevalence of divorce, maybe clinicians should focus on healthy co parenting instead of advocating to make divorce more difficult. It’s better to show children that adults can work together even when they disagree than to teach them that marriage is forever, no matter how badly the participants want out.

[Faydra Stratton · Rating 3 out of 5]

It seems the best thing I can do for my sons is stay married to their father! A good read, I agree with his concept of three family circles and being mindful of all the influences in a boys' life. Not really applicable for my boys' ages but I'll keep it around for reference!

[Wren · Rating 3 out of 5]

The beginning and middle - super helpful. Lost me on all religions lead to the same God/Universe part - even if he didn’t flat out say that. The info/ideas about boy culture and discipline being a system were helpful; I wrote those down and will be implementing them!

[Beth · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didn't like this at all!!! This author has no business writing books on how to raise boys especially given his own personal history. Didn't care for it at all!

[Cecily · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really helped me understand better a boy's temperament, needs, and habits. I think I should probably reread it about every other year to help me raise my boys as they grow.

[Witty · Rating 2 out of 5]

Nope

[Alicia Zuto · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have about eight different books about boys. My son is 9 years old. Out of the selection I have, I found this to be the most informative and interesting read. Maybe it's because I covered a lot of things that I am going through and it told life from a single father's point of view in single mothers and it was just very inclusive. It seemed very important as well when I compare it to my son's stages. It starts out with Pinocchio's Journey which is a so weird because that was always a special favorite of our stories. One thing I may not fully agree with is and I could be totally wrong but I think the author is a little bit old school and believe in discipline that isn't really current these days and that I don't really go for but I could be wrong because he didn't say that in black and white. It was just little implications. Some of the subjects for each chapter I will give you an idea of in the following. He did what I love when authors give a title to each chapter and then break it up into some chapters which gives you an idea if you want to even buy the book from the beginning so I'll just give you a few chapter titles and subtitles. Chapter 2 is titled the culture boys create it has nine subtitles underneath in a couple of them are competition performance and skill building. Another is the search for independence. And then another is the stages of a boy's life. I'll jump over to chapter 4 love you forever what boys need from their mothers and the subchapters are the right conditions for good mother to son relationships the second one is what boys need for Mom in the first decade of life the next is what boys need from Mom in the second decade of life and the last is does motherhood ever end? Chapter 5 is from Daddy to Dad the father-son relationship and some of those subtitles are the father of boy needs. From Daddy to Dad letting the boy go and when they father gives his son his name. I'll tell you one more chapter and that will be the final one which is teaching boys a healthy male role in life and some of those subchapters are giving boys important work and teaching boys a secret role and a sacred male role for the new millennium I guess it's important to tell you about chapter 9 too it says teaching boys about sex and love because it's always a touchy subject for us parents. And issuing boys to the world of sex and love. Masturbation. What if my son is gay? Sex education in the schools. Love as a spiritual discipline. Sex, love, and the media. Boys and sexual abuse. Practical principles for teaching boys about sex, love and commitment. That's only a couple of things that it touches on because I don't want to go through every single chapter because I think you can do that yourself if you're really interested in it but it gives you a just idea of how much it covers. And I felt like the author was very much on point. He had an honest tone and an easy to read disposition.

[Jennifer Lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a must read for anyone with boys in their lives.

I have read a few books on the differences between men and women (yes, some of the cheesy ones including Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and Steve Harvey's "Act like a lady, think like a man" with the purpose of understanding how to work with, live with, parent and simply co-exist in harmony with men. I didn't find any conflicting advice between any of these - each directs us to having a deeper understanding of the make up of men so we can build strong partnerships.

Bottom line - Give men and boys what they need the way they need it, (in hopes that) they too will give to women what they need the way they need it. The real beauty of an individual shines when they are accepted as they are.

My Top Takeaways:

1. Mothers need to let go of their boys in a healthy and still nurturing way so they can build strong relationships with women as adults. I am not a helicopter parent and I have a healthy relationship with my boys - but understanding their need to detach and let go at a certain age (12-15) has reinforced that I can’t fight what is going to happen. Accepting this as a biological and social need and not taking their detachment personally is critical.

2. Boys need influence of other men and their Father’s (even ones who made terrible husbands and partners). Admittedly I have been critical of how my ex-husband parents our boys in many ways (unhealthy eating, little physical activity, too much device time, etc.) Gurian tells a story of a mother who wanted to take legal action against her ex-husband for teaching their son to hunt. He reinforced that the father wasn't putting the boy in any real danger. The message is I will do more harm to my boys by criticizing their dad (even if it is sublte or private) than the unhealthy food or lack of exercise and my boys will eventually resent me for it. I am committed now to letting my ex parent and influence them in his own way, without judgement. I'll even go further to support and encourage their relationship as best as I possibly can. I will also encourage my boys to have a closer relationship with their uncles and grandfathers, as well as the other men in my life who can offer different perspectives and influence.

3. Boys needs discipline. Get clear on what the rules are and be consistent with them. This is how we earn their trust and create a sense of safety. When you mess up the rules, own it and move forward. That shows our boys that we aren’t perfect.

My expectations have evolved and I feel a little more prepared for what's to come, how to be a supportive mother and have a healthy relationship with my boys into their adulthood.

[Lgordo · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book, and I think it starts out with good intentions. But the suggestions are so impractical and non-concrete that I gave up halfway for lack of any apparent benefit to continuting.

His main premise is that boys need an immediate positive role model (usually filled by the father figure, but could be anyone), a supportive family, and a community that integrates him into a role. All good, and I'm totally onboard. But aside from signing your kid up for Boy Scouts, there really wasn't much on how to find your boys all these things in a modern era of disintegrated family and secularism. Or maybe the point was to prioritize family and find a religion. I dunno.

I was also turned off by his rose-colored view of the past. He literally said that monarchs in the past served the people and were awe-inspiring, while today's leaders are selfish and ego-driven. Dude. Do you even know history? They had to name them Enlightened Despots because serving the people was a completely new concept. At least most of today's politicians pay lip service to that idea.

He does admit that the hierarchal structures that served men so well in the past did no good for women (and sometimes turned men into monsters). But he still pushes hierarchal organizations as a great way to turn boys into men. Just make sure they're good hierarchies with positive goals and only altruistic people populating them. Right.

Although he claims the book is science-based, there were also assertions that aren't really supported by the literature. For example, that boys need competition. There are absolutely cultures where competition is mostly avoided (although to be fair, those cultures haven't changed much in 10,000 years, probably for this reason). It makes me wonder about the accuracy of his other assertions.

So that's why I stopped reading.

[Riley Lewis · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this parenting and developmental psychology book that explores the unique emotional, psychological, and biological needs of boys as they grow. Gurian argues that society has misunderstood and undervalued the way boys think, feel, and develop, and he offers insights for raising healthy, emotionally intelligent, and responsible boys. Written in the early 2000’s this book has lost favor because it argues that boys are different and unique from girls in brain structure, hormone levels, and emotional processing. These differences mean that boys often need more physical activity, different communication styles, and stronger male role models to thrive.

The book emphasizes three key needs for boys: a secure attachment to parents, a strong moral and spiritual purpose, and a community of mentors. Gurian also stresses the importance of fathers and other male influences in a boy’s life and warns that many modern environments—like schools and media—often fail to meet boys where they are developmentally.

While I liked that overarching message, I felt it didn’t offer a ton of practical advice other than than understanding that boys need purpose, are task oriented and need support from extended family and society.