A + E

by Ryszard I. Merey

Mein Gott, hilf mir diese tödliche Liebe zu überleben.
My God, help me survive this deadly love.

A messy, genderqueer unrequited friend-love story about two artistic teens trying to survive a year of high school in the late 90s.
[ drug/alcohol use, sexual assault, ED, language.]

192 pages, Kindle Edition

Published November 29, 2021

About the author

My main account is over on I. Merey, but I'll be releasing more books with this name... I love everything to do with words: writing, reading, editing, pushing commas on a page....

Reviews

[Tracey · Rating 4 out of 5]

a free copy of this book was provided by the author for an honest review

It's almost one in the morning. I just finished this pocket novella and I can't go to sleep until I write this review. I read the graphic novel nine years ago. I absolutely loved it. This is the short story that it originated from and I absolutely love it still. This story is just so real. I'm almost 30 now but I easily related with Eu's angst and unrequited feelings for Ash.

Speaking of Ash, I wanted to throat punch that boy into next week. I don't remember disliking him in the graphic novel but goodness did he irk my nerves in the novella. I wanted to shake him and make him see how selfish and hurtful he was being with his only friend! By the time he gets his head out of his ass, I wanted Eu to tell him to kick rocks and blow bubbles. That didn't stop me from crying at the epilogue though. It also didn't stop me from completely understanding why Eu just couldn't help herself when it came to Ash. Love is a bitch and rarely is it easy.

I would easily give this 5 stars but I do find myself missing the artwork. The graphic novel is the ultimate reading experience. Still, this has been added to my favorites shelf. This story just gets me and we have a connection. It's a sad read though so I might not reread it anytime soon. Until then, it'll proudly be displayed on my bookcase.

[Ian · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely loved this alternative, American teenage romance with added angst adventure, and I'm sincerely hoping to hear more about the older versions of both Ash and Eu in future. Surely they can't just disappear like that, into the ether forever? - RM, I forbid it, you hear me?

Loner and girlish Ash just loves drawing, whilst slightly taller, but much more emboldened goth-girl Eu, just loves being with Ash. Is this really going to prove to be a relationship made in heaven, or are matters about to shatter and leave their unusual and particularly oddball friendship in turmoil and tatters? Time will undoubtedly tell.

Quality writing, done with genuine feeling and emotion, that just left me wanting for more. A fantastic writer who is prepared to examine and distort boundaries and come up with stories such as this that intrigue, interest and entertain. Eagerly awaiting the next beautiful, yet somehow messed-up, exploratory forage into the unfamiliar world of Mr Merey - cannot wait already.

Thank you to RM and BookSirens for the free ARC, and I have given my unbiased opinion on a completely voluntary basis.

[Jun Nozaki · Rating 5 out of 5]

This novella tells the same story as Merey's previous graphic novel, A + E 4ever
After some internal back and forth, I would recommend reading the graphic novel first, as the visuals supplement additional touches that pure text can't always do. It's not required for following the plot (which is identical as far as I can tell) or understanding the characters, but I feel like scenery is more alive in the graphic novel.

With that said, on to the actual review:
The writing is tight and well paced, without ever sounding terse or conceited. There was never a time when I questioned the authenticity of the experiences, even for those for which I had nothing to draw on from my own time in high school.
The main characters are nuanced and complex, with enough exploration and discovery for the reader to get a feel for how they tick. Considering these kids are teenagers in high school, the stuff they go through is rough: an interconnected, tangled mess of love, identity, mental illness, sexuality, self-confidence...

While I can't say I empathize with or like Asher too much, he feels very real and I could see myself befriending him if I met him. On the other hand, Eu was much more relatable, perhaps because her path is less winding and convoluted compared to Asher's. My empathy for her was also the reason I did not finish the book in one sitting. At one point her helplessness and frustration with her situation was so palpable and painful that I had to put the book down.

Hats off to Merey for dialing it to 11 and managing to affect me so much with a story I have already read before. The text-only format got to me in a more direct fashion than the visual format, maybe because I was picturing everything in my head from scratch, as opposed to being "guided" by the graphics. Having the book tap so directly into my brain encouraged me to not only think about the main characters' development, but also reflect on my own life more closely. Merey's writing managed to do this without being preachy or insisting the reader form a particular, or any opinion at all - it is simply an opportunity to tag along on an authentic, raw, crazy yet ordinary teenage trip. 

Definitely give this a read to see how you react to the various themes and issues the book deals with, to see what resonates with you, to see if it might help shed a small light on odd behavior in others.

[Bárbara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you so much, to the author and Booksirens, for providing me with a copy to review.

This was a powerful story about multidimensional, messy, complicated friendships, and the myriad of feelings that come into play when the lines defining that bond are (intentionally or unintentionally) blurred.

The characters are so messy and so real, and the evolution of their relationship (from the moment their friendship sparked, until the spark took a more defined flamelike shape that threatened to engulf both Eu and Ash) is oddly specific yet relatable.

It was by no means an easy read, but one hundred percent worth it.

*I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.*

[Clarissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a heartaching portrayal of friendship. The characters are teenagers and experience everything with first-time intensity. There are only brief glimpses of adults in this novel, but the broken-dream dullness of their existences give a background beyond the schoolyard bullying of the life Ash and Eu are desperate to avoid. They dance, they draw, they listen to music, have complex relationships with food, and fall in love...but not necessarily with each other at the same time. Everything feels very real, both Ash and Eu are flawed, and this makes it a painful read which occasionally I had to put down because I felt so much empathy for these young people trying to make their relationship work within the chaos which is real life.

[MrsHReadsALot · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m just realizing that I’m a mood reader and that unfortunately keeps me from actually reading. But this cover art intrigued me like no other and the blurb had me itching to read it and once I started I could not put this down.

At first I wasn’t crazy for the writing style. It was jarring to me. It read like a diary entry or rather how you’d format text in a comic. Since this was turned into a graphic novel it seems fitting for sure and after a while it actually grew on me.

The characters are so real, raw and relatable and I felt for them. They’re so imperfectly perfect. They’re lovable as much as they are selfish and manipulative and their friendship was so messy and messed up but they clung to each other like the life preserver it was. Ash had his sister and their weird unspoken feelings for each other, but I felt like even though she was his everything he kept a lot about who he was from her. With Eu he had found an equal. Both considered outsiders, freaks and formed a strong bond. But wants and desires and feelings have a way of turning friendships to ruin.

My heart was constantly being battered by them. How Ash could be so indifferent and cold at times. I never felt like I got a clear indication of what was the cause of his triggers. I didn’t need to know the specifics to understand him though. He was such an interesting character. Especially when being dissected from Eu’s pov. Eu was immensely likable and relatable. She wouldn’t be the first pick for most due to her unconventional looks and garish attitude but she was still beautiful and funny and lovable.

These two have so many ups and downs and their little hearts are so fragile and beautiful I just wanted them to get everything their hearts desired.

That ending though was so bittersweet. It didn’t feel complete but I guess that’s true to life sometimes. You don’t always get what you want. But I want more Ash and Eu!!

I would definitely read more from this author. They’ve got a really refreshing sense of humor and writing flow. The characters are realistic and the things they go through felt too real. You just want to root for them. I also love how you never feel manipulated in having to feel a certain way about these characters. Like for example even when you see them being entitled or selfish you don’t hate them. Or maybe that’s just me? This author wrote them with so much sympathy and love that you just become so invested in them and want them to be ok.

I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

[David Beeson · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you want pretty, you need to look for a different book. This one is powerful, it’s moving, it’s compelling, but it’s never pretty, never anodyne.

We start with Ash, fluid in gender and more gay than bi, being beaten up in a high school toilet. And the boys bullying him? Are they disgusted by the clothes and the makeup he wears or turned on by them? We’re in a realm of ambiguity from the very start.

This is a high school story with little in common with the many hackneyed versions of that genre. Yes, A + E includes talk of a prom ball, but it has nothing of the forced artificial prettiness of the tuxedos and gowns and stretched limos.

On to this stage storms Eulalie, or Eu as we come to know her, so that even her name sounds like an expression of disgust. Her sexual experiences are gay, as Ash’s first is about to be. She binds her breasts and overeats so much that, as in her painfully humiliating way her mother keeps telling her, she needs to lose weight. She’s tall and she dresses to shock.

Can these two people, easily written off as freaks by many around them, find something in each other that will console and reconcile them to themselves? That’s what Ryszard Merey explores in a novella that never disappoints, never bores, always compels, always intrigues.

But it’s never pretty. To the point where at times I had to put it down to get my breath back. Only to pick it up again soon after to see what I was missing.

And another adjective I’d find for this book, one that might surprise its author, is refreshing. That’s because the last novel I read on a gay theme (and A + E is far more than just gay) was Call me by your name. A + E has none of that cloying world of easy superiority, that barbie-doll artificial niceness of people who are simply wonderful and beautiful and so much better than anyone else.

On the contrary, two key scenes in A + E take place in toilets and you can smell the urine (“there are no paper towels; they are already strewn all over the floor, brewing in a combination of water, spilled drinks, and pee”). And far from any sense of entitlement, Ash has to contend with disgust with himself: “He knows, something has to change. Probably him. He’s the problem. The aberration”.

Merey doesn’t duck the terrible truth that people treated as freaks, faced with mockery and bullying, see their self-esteem crumble. What he’s giving us is a real view of the world of the fluid in gender and orientation, with none of the pain removed. It’s what makes the book so powerful.

So can a boy who sees himself as an aberration and a girl at least as aberrant find a way to self-affirmation together? Can they find contentment with themselves and with each other? It’s well worth reading this finely constructed short book to find out.

[Tucker · Rating 5 out of 5]

They kiss on stage. “He wants to tell her it was his first real kiss.” Now their high school fates are bound together. But who is Asher Machnik, Eu wonders — “one of those socially beaten people who falls in love with the first person to show him kindness”? When you're a teenager, your mood is your environment, “everything swims in a purple milky color," it's because you are writing with gel pens, it's because you are listening to a Discman, it's because someone is beating you up or slipping you love notes, it's because you are speaking out of your "shiny flamingo mouth," it's because you could do anything with your life but you don't want to be like any adult you've met and the 21st century hasn't shown up yet. Would your life be different if you wore a jelly bracelet, or a yarmulke, or if you were gay, or if your friendships weren't messed up? I read it a second time for the #TransRightsReadathon and posted more thoughts here (unpaywalled link to Medium).

[Marnie Desdemona · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you've read any of Ryszard Merey's other works, then you know you're going to be in for a whirlwind journey of emotions. If not, then best prepare yourself.

There's something to Ryszard's writing that is decidedly more raw and cutting in its conveying of the human heart than I have been witness to in most works. It captures the wildness, ugliness, and the confusion of the human experience. In a way, it's like looking at a skinned human: it's not pretty, it's uncomfortable, but damn you can see everything inside so much clearer.

This book focuses as well on some of the messiest forms of us humans...teenagers. Queer teenagers. And if you are queer like me, you already know what a ball of chaos those teenage years were.

The simplest breakdown of the novella is that it is about two artsy, outsider queer teenagers (Asher and Eu) who run into one another. They then become the one real friend each has amidst the mess and torrent of their lives. The one person they can each really engage with and talk with of their niche interests: discussing obscure artists and bands, talking of composition, and abstract, wistful topics most would just stare blankly in confusion at you for. But as teenagers go, things get messy, as a tangled web of emotions and feelings weave between them both of what they really want and feel from the other.

The people in this book will say and do things that frustrate you. They will act in ways that infuriate you. They will act in ways you won't understand. They will act, sadly, like normal people do who haven't really finished understanding themselves, especially with Asher. The sad thing is, that's not really a process unique to the queer or teenage community, but all humans.

Maybe at first you'll see this ball of chaos they roll themselves into over the course of the story as something only teenagers embroil themselves into, but I think it fits the much larger net of human connection and relationships in general. Perhaps some nuances are different when you're older, but those stormy seas of engaging with another so deeply can take root at any age.

In terms of writing, if you are an uptight stickler to standard form, it might not be for your taste. But for those who care more about the feeling and flow of writing, it can be a delight. It's organic, it feels alive, and it's not some cold automaton that is structurally perfect but devoid of anything the invokes real passion. The use of language and turns of phrases I could find, the way that such simple things could be described in a way I'd never think to write myself, but which invoke such specific emotions is always a delight.

While the graphic novel and the novella aren't really different at all in what they portray, I think it's wonderful to experience both. It's like seeing the detailed sketch an artist does before making the painting. There's a beauty that's found in both mediums.

If you are a creator or an artist who desires for connection on a passionate level with another, this book is for you. If you are someone who once had a passionate, but tumultuous connection with another person in your past, this book is for you. If you are an artsy, queer fuck-up of a human being, this book is for you. If you are one who appreciates viewing the human experience not through a sterile, clinical lense, but by being thrown right into the blackened tornado of its whims, this book is for you.

Maybe some people will be put off by it, but I find it such a brilliant experience. You can feel the author in every page of this novella, and you can sink into the depths of an ocean you know is entirely his.

[Dale Stromberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

“A” is Ash, an anorexic and androgynous high school boy from what some would call a troubled home. “E” is Eulalie, a brash misfit at the school Ash transfers into, prickly and aloof from the normies. They bond over a love of art and grow close, together experiencing what might be thought of as the universal adolescent problems of love, friendship, desire, and a sense of self and of one’s place in society—while also experiencing the pleasures and dangers of a fluid exploration of sexuality and identity, as well as discovering how negotiating and living with the repercussions of past trauma can be an emotional minefield.

The prose economically transports one into, or back into (or, in this reader’s case, very far back into) the raw emotion and innocent selfishness of nascent adulthood. Eulalie and Ash are at an age where the heart yearns to expose its vulnerabilities but knows this is likeliest to be rewarded with cruelty, be it unwitting or casual or vindictive. Only when two hearts synchronise, becoming ready to risk vulnerability at the same time and at the right time, can young souls finally meet. The narrative is driven by will-they-or-won’t-they energy, with no outcome ever entirely certain, and young readers who feel themselves an ill fit with the aggressive mediocrity of high school are likely to find this book very much on their emotional wavelength.

My sole criticism of the story is that there is a certain family relationship (about which, to avoid spoilers, I will not say more) which I wish had been developed more fully or dwelt upon with more “intentionality”, if that is indeed the right word. Perhaps further entries in the “Seasons” series will fill this out.

Note: Readers wary of potentially triggering themes such as alcohol, biphobia, body shaming, bullying, drug use, eating disorders, homophobia, incest, and sexual assault might wish to approach this book with care.

[Zilla Novikov · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was 12% of the way through A+E when I realized it was going to break my heart.

Remember when you were young and queer and neurodiverse in a world that only had words for one of the three? Remember those friendships which lived in the liminal spaces between love and admiration and need and desire, and you didn't have words for any of those either, and you were a mess and so was your friendship-love but it was also the only thing that mattered in the world? You don't know if you want to be them, or be with them, but you know you can't survive without.

YA stories - well, stories about young adults - don't usually get me. They're didactic and clean and tidy, spoon-feeding the Reader a set of Important Messages. They're about what some adult wants a hypothetical teenager to learn. But sometimes, there's books about life as a teenager which are painfully, messily real. Books which I can't read in one sitting because I need to stop and let the memories subside safely back under the waters. Books which I can't stop reading, and can't stop thinking about when I finish.

A + E is that kind of story.

Ash and Eu are the rejects who find each other, who are open wounds in uncertain bodies, who are trapped in the vicious system to enforce compliance and conformity that is high school. I recognize the bands they listen to, the orange tic tacs they eat, the books on their shelves. I recognize the homophobia, though it was never that bad for me. I hope we left that behind in the 1990s, I hope things are easier for the Youth of now. I recognize the messy, hopeful, desperate friend-loves. Relationships that shaped my life, and that I have no words for, that don't exist in the lexicon of clean, tidy love, finally reflected back to me on the page. I won't ever leave those relationships behind; even if I never see the people again, they're still burned into me.

I was right. I was in tears by the end of A + E.

[Michael Froilan · Rating 5 out of 5]

An unpopular opinion: high school can be one of the most hostile environments in the world, especially for those 'unusual' that don't quite fit in. And it is here in this tug of warlike setting that an oddly exquisite friendship between an in-your-face girl (Eu) and an effeminate boy (Ash) blossoms. There are so many things to be gained from their staggeringly harmonious & enigmatic bond (unwavering loyalty being on top of the list!).

Merey's quick-witted, suave & light-hearted writing style kept my eyes and attention pasted on the pages. What I admire most about the wholesome book is how it carried pure honesty from the first page to the last word. Being "true to yourself" is often preached (mostly to air because it falls on deaf ears), but hardly anybody ever practices it. And that's primarily what Ash & Eu embody throughout this cliffhanging novel. They are unapologetically & fearlessly themselves, which I believe is one of the most important key takeaways from this remarkable story. In my opinion, it emphasizes the message that accepting your worth, no matter how painful it can be at times, will attract those who will care enough to see how invaluable you are.

Double thumbs up for this noteworthy novella! I strongly recommend it!

[Shrike · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has so much feeling packed into these pages. A+E are messy, harsh, weird, queer, and above all...real.

Their story follows two social outcasts you can't help but want to see thrive, but...this is no fairytale. I adore how the author writes characters with complex and oft-conflicting feelings. Merey portrays queer, punk, and teen culture in all its harsh and wonderful glory.

I went ahead and signed up to read both A+E and the next book. I'm now thanking myself! Very excited to see what happens next. I'm not much of a graphic novel person, but I'm considering checking that out at some point as well.

The cover art is also a perfect fit!

Thank you to the author and to BookSirens for the chance to read this book for free. I'm leaving this review of my own accord.


A few major content warnings: Sexual assault, dubious consent, drug use and drugging, disordered eating

[Bryan Cebulski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unless explicit stated by the creator that one version is the definitive version (and unless, like the Star Wars remasters, that statement is bonkers), I try not to treat one version of a story as canon over the others. There are advantages to the graphic novel format for A + E, but I really love what Merey brought to the table here solely with prose. So many folds of complexity that you just get more time to explore--I especially appreciated how the dynamics in Ash's family were handled more extensively. His sister, for example, felt more like a character here. Other details, like Eu binding, were clearer to me this time around too. The scene where Eu cleans the Machniks' apartment while Ash has sex was one of my favorite sequences in the graphic novel and I'm pleased to say that it translates very well to prose. I also thought it was interesting that unlike the graphic novel, the novella never suggests that Ash ever bottoms again after the rape. And either it's me developing as a person or the different format, but I found Ash less unsympathetic here than I did when I first read the graphic novel years ago. Getting inside his head more helped, I think. As Eu says, he acts like a twat, for sure, but, like, were YOU your best self in high school?

Anyway, the writing style is sharp and frenetic, bursting with volatile teen emotions and gorgeously deranged details (I still can't get over donuts "sweating with sugar"). I love the scenes when Ash and Eu hurt one another not necessarily because they have any beef with each other but more because they're not in control of themselves emotionally and lash out for petty reasons--it's such a common thing with teens and I don't see that behavior reflected enough in fiction. And I adore how Merey plays around with structure, at one point literally dismantling the words on the page during the rape at the club, which manages to be so much more brutal with the way it uses sparse descriptions to highlight what it doesn't show.

A + E and Sarah Henstra's We Contain Multitudes are really the only contemporary queer YA works I've read that I can say reflect what it feels like to be a teenager and what it feels like to be in high school (I COULD throw in my own novel, but, well, y'know, humility). Most other books in the genre feel like they're trying to be picked up as a Netflix miniseries, feeling really contrived and tidy compared to reality. A + E doesn't offer any comfort with conventional use of tropes and reassuring resolutions--at times the emotions it evokes are like a wound, raw and open and you can't look away, as much as you'd like to pretend it's not there. But the books isn't relentless or cruel either, granting the reader moments of gentleness that permeate even through the most difficult sections. Like the Carole King song I happen to be listening to right now, you gotta take the bitter with the sweet.

[Sizarifalina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I can read the graphic novel too. I read reviews that one should read the graphic novel to get a better and faster picture of the plot & characters. I have to admit that I struggled in the beginning. Trying to figure out who is who. Nevertheless, I find it interesting to read about how two people who do not really fit in getting to know each other and also themselves . Character wise and also sexually.

Ash is a pretty boy and Eu is a bit tomboyish? Later she told Ash her sexual preference. ( As I have said, I really should read the graphic novel!) Two teenagers in a same school trying to get a life by supporting each other. This novella proves that one might think that they are all alone in this world because they are labelled. But the truth is there are labelled people out there who are way better than people who claim themselves as being ‘normal’ .

Friendships can be difficult. It has different sets of principles that depends on the dynamics of a friendship. This was tested between Ash & Eu.

By the way, love can be complicated as much as life is. At certain point in (or to some - many) we would question ourselves about we are. What defines us? Do we need to be fake to be accepted or loved? Is being fake an act of survival ?
This is the first of four novellas. Definitely am interested to read the other three.

TW : Rape , 18sx

I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily. Tq BookSirens

[Jan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Chock full of queer and genderqueer content, this young adult novel is just as terrific as the related graphic novel by the same author that I first read years ago. Its characters remind me of those in the fae/punk novels of one of my favorite writers, Francesca Lia Block. Can't wait for the next three novels in this series to come out. Meanwhile, just moved this author's other book A Father for Lilja to the top of my Amazon wishlist. Please, somebody get it for me this holiday. Passing this one on to one of my nonbinary niblings for Christmas.

[James · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a coming of age book. It is not going to hold you hand and guide you through it. Instead you as a reader are asked to think for yourself and fill in the blanks. The way it is written forces you think deeper and feel more than your average book. At times it is emotionally difficult to read and the characters don't take the easy way out of situations. Instead they face them head on and come out the other side if not stronger but a little older and wiser. It is not my normal read but I would recommend this book to anyone as it will add a little bit to your life and is a story you will remember.

[Anna Otto · Rating 5 out of 5]

This story was extremely affecting. It’s about two not so ordinary people finding each other in this not always happy world and watching the evolution of their relationship, and falling in love along the way. I particularly identified with Eu although she was way more badass than me as a teenager. I was gutted reading from her POV - I have felt what she felt, as sometimes a story of first love is a story of rejection, and sometimes it’s a story of loss. The characters jump off the page - and the author’s understanding of the psychology of young people who don’t fit in well with the pack is nuanced and solid. I wished there was more, the end came too soon. It was true. It soared. It made me want to read more from R. M.

[Diana · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a beautiful, layered, raw, and dreamy novella exploring teenage angst, becoming, (sexual) identity, friendship, love, and so much more. More than anything, I felt raw beauty and deep honesty reading it, and a deep longing that keeps carving its way throughout the book, from beginning to end. There is also, in my view, in terms of what the book is doing in the world beyond its two main characters and the exploration of their relationship and how it changes over time, a strong subtext of finding that balance (or not) between something that is wild, essential and constant within each living being, and a feeling of unstoppable becoming/transformation - in relationship to self and to others/the world, between something that is eternal vs. fleeting in teenage friendship/love.

[Anna Otto · Rating 5 out of 5]

This story was extremely affecting. It’s about two not so ordinary people finding each other in this not always happy world and watching the evolution of their relationship, and falling in love along the way. I particularly identified with Eu although she was way more badass than me as a teenager. I was gutted reading from her POV - I have felt what she felt, as sometimes a story of first love is a story of rejection, and sometimes it’s a story of loss. The characters jump off the page - and the author’s understanding of the psychology of young people who don’t fit in well with the pack is nuanced and solid. I wished there was more, the end came too soon. It was true. It soared. It made me want to read more from R. M.

[Dale Stromberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eulalie and Ash bond over a love of art and grow close, together experiencing what might be thought of as the universal adolescent problems of love, friendship, desire, and a sense of self and of one’s place in society — while also experiencing the pleasures and dangers of a fluid exploration of sexuality and identity, as well as discovering how negotiating and living with the repercussions of past trauma can be an emotional minefield.

I review the book in more detail on Medium (un-paywalled link).

[Nicole Northwood · Rating 5 out of 5]

a gorgeously written story about messy love

I feel the need to start out by saying that I’ve never read anything quite like this book. The detail in the emotions and the depths of the characters had me up reading until way too late, needing to know what was going to happen. The author is tremendously talented, and I look forward to reading more work by them. A definite five star read that I suspect I’ll enjoy a second time.

[Addled Rabbit · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book. THIS BOOK.

First of all my girl Eu, absolutely loved her and her mess. She was tough as nails and a soft little ball of yearning all in one very tall package. Her struggle with her infatuation with Ash, her struggle with food, her struggle with just about everything was so grounding and real. And yet she was herself and nobody was going to tell her otherwise.

The settings were so real, I could feel myself there and not exactly there at the same time. I remember going over to friends houses that were... less than clean. I remember the warehouse parties and sketchy bars. I remember being crammed into the car knee to knee with someone, especially when questionable people were driving. I remember the issues at school, the getting lost in music. All of it.

I really enjoyed the realness of these characters. They were extremely flawed, like walking little messes causing more mess where ever they went. But they were them and they were not going to hide it. The mental wellness rep, the gender rep, the messy love life continuing to get messier, the food issues. It was all such a call back to being that age, but this time looking in on it. It was so entertaining I read the book in one sitting, and so painful to read about these two going through it but also remembering what it was like.

And Ash? Oh Ash. 190 short little pages. And oh my god Eu I got it real fast, I understand. I would have been all over that too.

But more than that, the entire time reading this was a trip down memory lane of my own, 'Ash.' The emotions, the situations, the messes. It was all similar enough that this book had me thinking about things I haven't thought about in over a decade. I mean to the point at one spot I was stuck thinking, 'am I still holding a flame?'

Don't get me wrong. I wanted to strangle Ash many a time. He was a mess and selfish. But boy would I have gone goo-goo over that too back at that age. I remember what it was like to overlook it and excuse it away.

Man Eu I get it.

This author has a few other books I plan to get to in the next few weeks but absolutely an autobuy for me.

[El · Rating 3 out of 5]

Before I write this review I just wanted to say that I haven’t read the previous graphic novel, I wasn’t aware of it until after so I don’t if my opinion of it would differ had I read that before.

For the plot, I found it to be realistic no well-paced, I didn’t really find myself to be bored at any point while reading this. I appreciated the representation of mental illness, sexuality and general confusion around identity. It helped ground the characters and show that they’re like real teenagers with their struggles.

I think I preferred Eu as she was relatable but I did find Asher friendly/likeable.

So while I didn’t find this novella to be anything special, I did still enjoy it and the story it took me on. Thank you to book sirens & the author for providing me with an eARC!

[Mikou · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you, R.I. Merey and Booksirens for this free e-ARC. What follows is my honest, unbiased opinion.

I have never read the graphic novel based on this novella. I chose it based on the summary and cover art. The story caught my interest from the start with an intense scene. It goes on to explore isolation, identity and complexities of love and friendship with characters who don't fit the mold that others expect. Although their experiences were far removed from my own memories of adolescence, their pain, joys, ups and downs were relatable. Good story that I would recommend for anyone who has ever questioned who they are and how they relate to the world around them.

[Rachel Ashera Rosen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Can a slice-of-life novella about teenage friendship absolutely eviscerate the reader? I now believe it can. A summary can't do it justice—this is about the shimmery feeling of loving someone in a way that's too intense to be sustained and too elusive to be sustained. It does justice to the messiness of youth art and sexuality in a way most YA lacks the courage to do. This isn't really a Book For Teenagers in the YA sense of the word but it's a book my teenage self desperately needed, and a book that my adult self felt seen in.

[Joana · Rating 3 out of 5]

This one was just not for me... between a two or three stars... I just couldn't connect with the characters, and the story turned out to be more heavy, violent and unsettling than I expected... I think I may have enjoyed it better at another time, this was just not right for me... It could be right for you if you're looking for complex and not always good characters and very complicated interactions

I received this book through BookSirens in exchange of an honest review.

[Nicole Northwood · Rating 5 out of 5]

a gorgeously written story about messy love

I feel the need to start out by saying that I’ve never read anything quite like this book. The detail in the emotions and the depths of the characters had me up reading until way too late, needing to know what was going to happen. The author is tremendously talented, and I look forward to reading more work by them. A definite five star read that I suspect I’ll enjoy a second time.