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"You Should Be Grateful": Stories of Race, Identity, and Transracial Adoption
An adoption expert and transracial adoptee herself examines the unique perspectives and challenges these adoptees have as they navigate multiple cultures
“Your parents are so amazing for adopting you! You should be grateful that you were adopted.”
Angela Tucker is a Black woman, adopted from foster care by white parents. She has heard this microaggression her entire life, usually from well-intentioned strangers who view her adoptive parents as noble saviors. She is grateful for many aspects of her life, but being transracially adopted involves layers of rejection, loss, and complexity that cannot be summed up so easily.
In “You Should Be Grateful,” Tucker centers the experiences of adoptees to share deeply personal stories, well-researched history, and engrossing anecdotes from mentorship sessions with adopted youth. These perspectives challenge the fairy-tale narrative of adoption, giving way to a fuller story that explores the impacts of racism, classism, family, love, and belonging.
“Your parents are so amazing for adopting you! You should be grateful that you were adopted.”
Angela Tucker is a Black woman, adopted from foster care by white parents. She has heard this microaggression her entire life, usually from well-intentioned strangers who view her adoptive parents as noble saviors. She is grateful for many aspects of her life, but being transracially adopted involves layers of rejection, loss, and complexity that cannot be summed up so easily.
In “You Should Be Grateful,” Tucker centers the experiences of adoptees to share deeply personal stories, well-researched history, and engrossing anecdotes from mentorship sessions with adopted youth. These perspectives challenge the fairy-tale narrative of adoption, giving way to a fuller story that explores the impacts of racism, classism, family, love, and belonging.
216 pages, Hardcover
First published April 18, 2023
127 people are currently reading
3868 people want to read
About the author
Angela Tucker
8 books44 followersAngela Tucker is the Executive Director of the Adoptee Mentoring Society and a well-known voice in the conversation about interracial adoption. Through The Adopted Life LLC, Tucker blogs, offers regular consulting for agencies and families, hosts monthly Adoptee Lounges for adult adoptees, and spends her weekends mentoring adopted youth. Tucker earned a BA in Psychology from Seattle Pacific University and lives in Seattle with her husband.
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January 31, 2023I haven't even read this yet, but I feel heard.
August 27, 2023
I follow Angela Tucker on Instagram and I couldn’t wait for this book to come out. I’d call it essential reading for adoptive parents and a lot of the writing resonated deeply. Some parts broke my heart but were important to read. It is part talks with other adoptees and mostly about her own journey to reunite with her birth mother. Giving it now to my own kid to see what connects. Glad that this book is out there.
June 30, 2024
seen, heard, and validated as a transracial adoptee! Angela put words to feelings and emotions I never knew how to explain ❤️ this book discusses the complexities of adoption, the foster care system, disability, and the experiences of growing up in predominantly white spaces all from the lens of the adoptee vs. adoptive parents, social workers, and the white savior complex.
May 1, 2023
As both an adoptee and an adoptive parent, I related to much of Angela’s story. There are so many opportunities to improve the adoption process, and starting by centering the experience on the adoptee, as Angela points out in so many unique and well researched ways, would have a dramatic impact on so many lives. I found myself underlining and writing on so many pages due to the consistencies in our journeys. Fantastic book for anyone looking for a closer look at the hard parts of adoption. Beautifully written.
March 5, 2024
As an adoptee, I can understand that this book was not written for me but rather adopters. However, I feel it is worth pointing out there are certain lines Tucker seems to be unwilling to cross in writing this book.
For instance, Tucker recognizes that natural parents have long been opponents of the term “birth [parent]” and even acknowledges as much in the book, yet almost exclusively uses the term “birth mother” any time an adoptee’s natural mother is referenced. I was a bit disappointed to see her explain the term’s history, being born out of the insecurity of adopters who want to see themselves as the *only* “real” parents (an attitude Tucker clearly discourages), then continue on with that language throughout the rest of the book. If the term “birth mother” is problematic, why continue to use it?
In addition to using the agency-sponsored “positive adoption language” that adoptees have been pushing back on for years, Tucker constantly walks back any legitimate ethical issues with adoption or failures of adopters whenever she makes a point that could be taken personally. There is a section of the book where she talks about how in conferences, she often employs a tactic where she sandwiches a hard truth with compliments or comforting statements; the entire book seems to be written this way.
All of this is to say that although I admire Tucker and in many ways respect her work, I struggle to understand who her approach is actually serving. Is constantly placating adopters supposed to honor the relationships they have with the adoptees they are raising? Or is it an attempt to legitimize the industry that has caused so much harm to so many adopted people, even in ways that Tucker herself can admit have damaged her and her families?
Ultimately I find it hard to reconcile a book that makes excuse after excuse for adoption agencies and adopters despite the frequent recognition of their respective shortcomings. I was surprised that same level of grace wasn’t afforded to natural mothers, but perhaps that has to do with Tucker’s relationship with Deborah(?) whose name I could not find in the long section of acknowledgements.
Maybe this is just a personal issue, but I found it extremely grating to see several adoption agencies and organizations show up in the acknowledgements section. I believe there is a legitimate case to make that agencies largely cause more harm than good. Tucker is so embedded in the adoption industrial complex, and while there is a part of me that hopes she will be the Trojan horse to put a mirror up in front of these agencies, facilitators, lawyers, social workers, adopters etc to show the damage they continue to cause, another part of me fears she is unwilling to cross these lines because it may threaten her livelihood.
The first half of the book is a solid 4 stars, second half lost me (2 stars). Tucker, like many of the adopters who work to prop up the adoption industrial complex to absolve themselves of wrongdoing, propagates the idea that openness in adoption provides healing and can help adoptees become whole. As a lifelong open adoptee, I just fundamentally disagree with the idea and find it insulting. Adoption always makes things complicated and reunions (no matter how good) are hard. Information, in my opinion, doesn’t lead to healing although it can potentially make things less complicated. If information leads to healing, are intercountry adoptees just doomed from the start? What about the “open adoption” adoptees who have all the information an adoptee could want but still don’t feel safe, loved or comfortable being raised by their adopters? The whole sondersphere concept really didn’t resonate and felt like an attempt to prop up the adoption industrial complex by using a fancy word to communicate that adoption *can be* great if done by the right people, in the right way. Overall I’ll give it a 3/5.
For instance, Tucker recognizes that natural parents have long been opponents of the term “birth [parent]” and even acknowledges as much in the book, yet almost exclusively uses the term “birth mother” any time an adoptee’s natural mother is referenced. I was a bit disappointed to see her explain the term’s history, being born out of the insecurity of adopters who want to see themselves as the *only* “real” parents (an attitude Tucker clearly discourages), then continue on with that language throughout the rest of the book. If the term “birth mother” is problematic, why continue to use it?
In addition to using the agency-sponsored “positive adoption language” that adoptees have been pushing back on for years, Tucker constantly walks back any legitimate ethical issues with adoption or failures of adopters whenever she makes a point that could be taken personally. There is a section of the book where she talks about how in conferences, she often employs a tactic where she sandwiches a hard truth with compliments or comforting statements; the entire book seems to be written this way.
All of this is to say that although I admire Tucker and in many ways respect her work, I struggle to understand who her approach is actually serving. Is constantly placating adopters supposed to honor the relationships they have with the adoptees they are raising? Or is it an attempt to legitimize the industry that has caused so much harm to so many adopted people, even in ways that Tucker herself can admit have damaged her and her families?
Ultimately I find it hard to reconcile a book that makes excuse after excuse for adoption agencies and adopters despite the frequent recognition of their respective shortcomings. I was surprised that same level of grace wasn’t afforded to natural mothers, but perhaps that has to do with Tucker’s relationship with Deborah(?) whose name I could not find in the long section of acknowledgements.
Maybe this is just a personal issue, but I found it extremely grating to see several adoption agencies and organizations show up in the acknowledgements section. I believe there is a legitimate case to make that agencies largely cause more harm than good. Tucker is so embedded in the adoption industrial complex, and while there is a part of me that hopes she will be the Trojan horse to put a mirror up in front of these agencies, facilitators, lawyers, social workers, adopters etc to show the damage they continue to cause, another part of me fears she is unwilling to cross these lines because it may threaten her livelihood.
The first half of the book is a solid 4 stars, second half lost me (2 stars). Tucker, like many of the adopters who work to prop up the adoption industrial complex to absolve themselves of wrongdoing, propagates the idea that openness in adoption provides healing and can help adoptees become whole. As a lifelong open adoptee, I just fundamentally disagree with the idea and find it insulting. Adoption always makes things complicated and reunions (no matter how good) are hard. Information, in my opinion, doesn’t lead to healing although it can potentially make things less complicated. If information leads to healing, are intercountry adoptees just doomed from the start? What about the “open adoption” adoptees who have all the information an adoptee could want but still don’t feel safe, loved or comfortable being raised by their adopters? The whole sondersphere concept really didn’t resonate and felt like an attempt to prop up the adoption industrial complex by using a fancy word to communicate that adoption *can be* great if done by the right people, in the right way. Overall I’ll give it a 3/5.
January 5, 2025
“Research on the benefits of open adoption shows that visits between adopted children and their biological family actually promote a deepening of the attachment between children and their adoptive parents. I’ve seen this truth borne out in the research, in the lives of the adoptees I mentor, and in my own experience.”
As an adoptive parent I am fearful for the years ahead and how to navigate comments from others, questions from my adopted daughter and requests from her biological mother. This book was very insightful and I appreciate the different perspectives of adoptees and their biological parents. I have so much respect for Angela for tackling this difficult topic!
As an adoptive parent I am fearful for the years ahead and how to navigate comments from others, questions from my adopted daughter and requests from her biological mother. This book was very insightful and I appreciate the different perspectives of adoptees and their biological parents. I have so much respect for Angela for tackling this difficult topic!
September 13, 2023
I am grateful for this book and for the work Tucker continues to do in the adoption community. This was an excellent overview of transracial adoption that I wish I'd had when we started thinking about adoption. While it specifically covers transracial adoption, it's a great, in-depth look at the complexity of adoption, and all members of the adoption triad and their extended family and friends would benefit from reading this.
I appreciate that Tucker wove history and facts about adoption in between narrative of her own adoption experience, her work as a social worker, and her work as a therapist for adoptees. I also appreciate the emotional labor that Tucker must have poured into this book. Nearly all of my research leading up to the birth and adoption of my son was written by and centered the voices and experiences of (mostly white) adoptive parents. However, I've learned far more once I found places to listen to adoptee voices, and I'm thankful for the adoptees who choose to share. I hope my parenting and my relationships with my son and his family reflect that.
Takeaways:
1. Adoptees should always be centered.
2. Adoptees should never feel forced to feel grateful.
3. Open adoption is healthy for all involved except in rare cases.
"A common through line is for adoptees to conceal their burdens from their adoptive family to make everyone around them comfortable."
"Black children adopted into white families were losing their connection to Black culture and family in a very segregated country. This was most profoundly articulated by the National Association of Black Social Workers, who called transracial adoption "racial genocide" in a 1972 position paper, saying they had taken a 'vehement stand against the placement of black children in white homes for any reason.' The writers stated that white families would not be able to teach Black children how to deal with racism and that transracial adoptions were done with the benefit of the white family in mind, rather than the benefit of the Black child."
"In the Adoptee Lounge, we can utter seeming contradictions, like one I've wrestled with my entire life: I love my adoptive parents. And I wish I wasn't adopted."
"After a minute I told her I really liked her answer, that adoption isn't actually all that cool. Giving her additional permission, I add: "If you feel like you need to tack on another sentence, how about adding, 'That's actually a very sensitive and private question'?"
"Children whose adoptive parents rarely discuss the absent birth parents or birth siblings feel the loss more keenly. In a study of young adults adoptees published in a 2005 issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, sociocultural researchers Kimberly Powell and Tamara Afifi correlate heightened ambiguous loss symptoms with children and youth who lack information about their birth parents and who have lived with a family who failed to honor the adoptees' connection with their family or culture of origin."
"When the relinquishment trauma happens before the age of three, the memories of trauma are stored in the unconscious part of the brain as implicit memories. Implicit memories are not coded in the brain as coherent, but as broken sensory and emotional fragments-images, sounds, and physical sensations. I felt this fragmented sensation as a hole in my heart. Something-someone-was always missing. The traumatized brain responds with fight, flight, freeze or fawning (people pleasing) when the implicit trauma memories are triggered."
"I apologize for the presumption that you'd been saved and provided a better life. I can see now, what you were actually given as a result of adoption was a different life."
I appreciate that Tucker wove history and facts about adoption in between narrative of her own adoption experience, her work as a social worker, and her work as a therapist for adoptees. I also appreciate the emotional labor that Tucker must have poured into this book. Nearly all of my research leading up to the birth and adoption of my son was written by and centered the voices and experiences of (mostly white) adoptive parents. However, I've learned far more once I found places to listen to adoptee voices, and I'm thankful for the adoptees who choose to share. I hope my parenting and my relationships with my son and his family reflect that.
Takeaways:
1. Adoptees should always be centered.
2. Adoptees should never feel forced to feel grateful.
3. Open adoption is healthy for all involved except in rare cases.
"A common through line is for adoptees to conceal their burdens from their adoptive family to make everyone around them comfortable."
"Black children adopted into white families were losing their connection to Black culture and family in a very segregated country. This was most profoundly articulated by the National Association of Black Social Workers, who called transracial adoption "racial genocide" in a 1972 position paper, saying they had taken a 'vehement stand against the placement of black children in white homes for any reason.' The writers stated that white families would not be able to teach Black children how to deal with racism and that transracial adoptions were done with the benefit of the white family in mind, rather than the benefit of the Black child."
"In the Adoptee Lounge, we can utter seeming contradictions, like one I've wrestled with my entire life: I love my adoptive parents. And I wish I wasn't adopted."
"After a minute I told her I really liked her answer, that adoption isn't actually all that cool. Giving her additional permission, I add: "If you feel like you need to tack on another sentence, how about adding, 'That's actually a very sensitive and private question'?"
"Children whose adoptive parents rarely discuss the absent birth parents or birth siblings feel the loss more keenly. In a study of young adults adoptees published in a 2005 issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, sociocultural researchers Kimberly Powell and Tamara Afifi correlate heightened ambiguous loss symptoms with children and youth who lack information about their birth parents and who have lived with a family who failed to honor the adoptees' connection with their family or culture of origin."
"When the relinquishment trauma happens before the age of three, the memories of trauma are stored in the unconscious part of the brain as implicit memories. Implicit memories are not coded in the brain as coherent, but as broken sensory and emotional fragments-images, sounds, and physical sensations. I felt this fragmented sensation as a hole in my heart. Something-someone-was always missing. The traumatized brain responds with fight, flight, freeze or fawning (people pleasing) when the implicit trauma memories are triggered."
"I apologize for the presumption that you'd been saved and provided a better life. I can see now, what you were actually given as a result of adoption was a different life."
April 9, 2024
Adoptee Manifesto: “We can love more than one set of parents. Relationships with our birth parents, foster parents, and our adoptive parents are not mutually exclusive. We have the right to own our original birth certificate. Curiosity about our roots is innate. We need access to our family medical history. The pre-verbal memories you have with your first family are real. Post-natal cultural shock exists. It’s ok to feel a mixture of gratitude and loss. We are not alone. We have each other.”
Loved this book. So beautiful and heartbreaking and encouraging and a good reminder that foster care and adoption is messy and worth it. Love the final chapters speaking to open adoptions. Thankful for M’s parents and praying we can develop and nurture relationships with A’s family. Putting my own fear aside, to encourage them the best I can.
Loved this book. So beautiful and heartbreaking and encouraging and a good reminder that foster care and adoption is messy and worth it. Love the final chapters speaking to open adoptions. Thankful for M’s parents and praying we can develop and nurture relationships with A’s family. Putting my own fear aside, to encourage them the best I can.
July 9, 2023
I wish there was an option to give a book more than 5 stars. Angela Tucker should be recognized and celebrated for her advocacy work within the adoption triad. You Should Be Grateful is a gripping, challenging, and incredibly loving look into the very real lived experiences of an adult adoptee. Angela's writing, whether recounting moments in her own life or sharing her work in supporting the journey of other young adopted children and teens, is insightful and filled with compassion. This book was well researched and so beautifully written. I want everyone to read it. I am grateful for people like Angela, who are determined, vulnerable, and kind enough to be open so that others may continue to learn and grow along with them.
July 25, 2023
I think all adoptive parents should read this book. Tucker shares much of her own story as well as her work as a speaker at various events and mentor to other adoptees. She is very open and honest about how one can grow up in an adoptive home, full of love and support but still long for their first family. As the adoptive mom of a Black daughter, I've always cringed when people say how lucky SHE is. I have always tried to flip and say that I'm the lucky one and the comeback is almost always "well, you're both lucky.". I would ask others, please never put that on an adopted child! Never expect them to feel grateful. I tell my daughter that it is up to her to feel grateful or not. Everyone's story is different and one adoptee may feel eternally grateful while another not so much. I also appreciated her shining a light on the inequities of when a child is removed from their family based on race. (a white child is less likely to be removed than a Black for the same situation) and the truly heartbreaking realization that birth mothers are all but forgotten after she has given birth and the child is removed. She tells the story of how her birth mother (or one of her mentee's birth mothers) simply left the hospital despite having so many needs. No one asked what her needs were so she was basically ignored. Truly essential reading for adoptive parents.
December 1, 2023
This book feels very much that it was written for adoptive parents, not adoptees. As a transracial adoptee, that felt disappointing. It is very hard to find sources of our voices, with us at the audience in mind. That being said, this is probably one of the better resources for adoptive parents but I would urge those folks to look for other adoptee voices too! Our experiences and abilities to think critically about our adoptions, are wildly varied. I also didn’t personally love the writing style.
June 21, 2024
A book about transracial adoption and foster care, written by a woman who both was adopted and works in adoption. A very eye opening, educational, and helpful story before I jump into the world of foster care.
August 26, 2023
When I first saw this title, I knew I had to read this book. Our son is a transracial adoptee and I believe my responsibility to continue to learning how to better support him in his identity development is one that will never be complete but I'll keep trying! Angela's story is centered in this book (as it should be) but along the way she beautifully weaves research, anecdotes she's learned in her work as a member of an adoption agency, and her experience as the receiver of seemingly endless microaggressions. I liked learning about Angela's families throughout this book and also enjoyed the way she expanded my vocabulary by sharing words I'd never heard before and even one she made up! That was a totally unexpected twist of this book that was appreciated.
Through my own lens as a disabled woman, there were parts I could relate to with my own vertical identity formation as a disabled person in a family composed of all nondisabled people. I'm visibly different from my family, don't resemble them much physically, and also receive similar comments at times based on disability. Still, I understand how this is markedly different because I don't have the preverbal trauma associated with separation from my family and have a number of other privileges associated with remaining with my birth family. If I had one critique, I was eager for Angela to explore the disability aspect more. Her mom made a comment indicating that disability played a role in her decisions but it was explored further. I also hear and reflect on Angela's thoughts about the potential discontinuation of international adoption but I'm left unsure what to think about the many kids with disabilities who reside in these institutions (both outside our country and within). The UN Convention of Rights for Persons with Disabilities guarantees all children live with families. An aspirational goal that is an important one. Is there a place for transracial adoption in this context? I absolutely believe adoptive parents should be required to demonstrate their commitment to support their transracially adopted child's racial identity more than they are currently required. Our family's training as required by the agency was only over the course of a few hours reading somewhat outdated articles. We received zero training on raising a child to have a strong disability identity, which is an aspect entirely overlooked it seems in both domestic and international adoption. I was sad this book was over and truly grateful to have learned from Angela.
Through my own lens as a disabled woman, there were parts I could relate to with my own vertical identity formation as a disabled person in a family composed of all nondisabled people. I'm visibly different from my family, don't resemble them much physically, and also receive similar comments at times based on disability. Still, I understand how this is markedly different because I don't have the preverbal trauma associated with separation from my family and have a number of other privileges associated with remaining with my birth family. If I had one critique, I was eager for Angela to explore the disability aspect more. Her mom made a comment indicating that disability played a role in her decisions but it was explored further. I also hear and reflect on Angela's thoughts about the potential discontinuation of international adoption but I'm left unsure what to think about the many kids with disabilities who reside in these institutions (both outside our country and within). The UN Convention of Rights for Persons with Disabilities guarantees all children live with families. An aspirational goal that is an important one. Is there a place for transracial adoption in this context? I absolutely believe adoptive parents should be required to demonstrate their commitment to support their transracially adopted child's racial identity more than they are currently required. Our family's training as required by the agency was only over the course of a few hours reading somewhat outdated articles. We received zero training on raising a child to have a strong disability identity, which is an aspect entirely overlooked it seems in both domestic and international adoption. I was sad this book was over and truly grateful to have learned from Angela.
July 25, 2023
Challenging, insightful, thought-provoking. Angela's life's work is to center adoptees in the adoption conversation, and I never realized how much conversations tend to be positioned around the experience of adoptive parents and birth parents (not the kids). Adoption has so many positives, but it is also traumatic, even in the best of circumstances. There has to be space for adoptees to hold conflicting emotions of being grateful they were adopted and sad/ungrateful/frustrated/you-name-it at the same time, without threatening their adoptive parents.
I love how Angela balances research/informative text and storytelling so beautifully. She weaves in her own experiences with finding her birth family and living as a transracial adoptee. Thank you, Angela, for sharing your story and being an advocate for those who don't have a voice.
I love how Angela balances research/informative text and storytelling so beautifully. She weaves in her own experiences with finding her birth family and living as a transracial adoptee. Thank you, Angela, for sharing your story and being an advocate for those who don't have a voice.
October 15, 2024
audiobook - Wow - this book is a must read for anyone in the field of child welfare, Foster care, and permanency, but I think it's equally relevant for adoptive families and anyone venturing through the adoptive journey. Angela's story was inspiring, heart-wrenching, intriguing, and enriching. She provides stark reminders of the humanity that sometimes gets lost when professionals consider "the best interest of the child" and, after having spent a lifetime in this field, it was sometimes difficult to hear. While this book delves specifically and unapologetically into transracial adoption, I feel strongly that the broader message of and adoptive child's need for acceptance and connection being conveyed is relevant across all adoptive spectrums.
Strongly recommend.
Strongly recommend.
June 27, 2023
This book is incredible. I can't imagine how comforting and helpful it will be to adoptees searching for ways to understand and process their own lives. As an adoptive parent, it has helped give me terms, perspective, and insight into ways I can better help my daughter as she grows and faces the complexity of her life and family. I suspect I'll be rereading it often over many years as her needs and relationship with her identity, her adopted family, and first family evolve. The author has given us all a huge gift in sharing her story.
July 8, 2023
Expected this to be a painful read and it was. Definitely the most in-depth and personal account I’ve found. While the focus here is on domestic, Black adoptees, of course a lot is transferable.
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May 14, 2024Angela Tucker takes us on a journey through her life, specifically highlighting her adoption as a Black child into a white family and her search for her birth family. Tucker shows us that she can both feel wholly love and accepted by her family and have a sense of yearning towards her identity and roots.
I feel enlightened and humbled that she let us into some of the deepest parts of her life.
I feel enlightened and humbled that she let us into some of the deepest parts of her life.
April 15, 2024
I loved this book so much that I feel compelled to write a review!! I was curious about transracial adoption within the U.S., so I picked up this book. Angela shared so much of her own life as an adoptee, as well as her knowledge of the adoption world. It’s so clear that centering and supporting the stories of adoptees (which is rare and overlooked) is her passion, and she never veered away from that goal in this book. Amazing read.
September 14, 2025
#youmetmeataverychinesetimeinmylife
September 19, 2023
A different perspective on adoption than I feel like we're used to seeing. So much is attention is paid to adoptive parents and their process of "getting" a child, we don't see nearly as many stories by adoptees themselves. We see even fewer that also force us to look at what birth families are put through and how little support is given to the pregnant person. This is an important read just for the way it educates about how to talk about adoption, adoptees and their families without being insensitive and how child-centered adoption is important. It's pretty ludicrous the author still gets feedback on how she was "offending" her adoptive parents in the way she speaks about adoption and birth families - not just because that is an inappropriate thing to say or think to begin with, but also because, if anything, the author has nothing but praise for her parents and especially her mother. She goes out of her way to mention how supportive her mother is and how she gave her space to process.
October 9, 2025
As a fellow transracial adoptee, I resonated with so much of this book, especially the entire concept of ambiguous loss. The idea of mourning something I never had was something that I always struggled to articulate and seeing it spelled out so clearly here was comforting. Despite being of different races and having different circumstances regarding the journey of knowing/finding birth families, Tucker touched on so many scenarios that hit home for me as someone who grew up as non-white in a predominantly white area. It just goes to show how universal the experience of adoption is, and I appreciated how she told her story without sugarcoating the trauma and hardship involved with adoption. I think that anyone who is considering adoption/has adopted/is in any way affected or connected to adoption should read this book.
January 24, 2025
This book is a must read for all adoptive families! As a caseworker for families in foster care and adoption, Angela unpacks the depths of her soul as a transracial adoptee. There were times I wrestled through her processes, but ultimately, her insight is clarifying. I will be recommending it to families who have adopted or are thinking of adopting.
January 18, 2025
Another memoir in the books, It has been suggested I read in the genre I’m writing. Doing so will help to understand a) what books have already been written in the same genre b) what books I can compare to when moving into the publishing phase of my journey and c) what I, as a reader, have enjoyed about the book.
I give this memoir 5 stars. I listened to it on audible. In some ways I regret having listened to it instead of reading a physical copy. I may have done myself a disservice. Because I listen to audible most often in the car, I don’t have the ability to write notes as I am listening. I don’t usually listen/read books twice but I may find myself doing exactly that. Today, while driving, I found my mind wandering to places in my own manuscript which could be bettered by this author’s approach. I wanted to stop and take notes but it wasn’t feasible. A second listen, chapter by chapter may be in order.
Angela is a very well read, educated author who is an advocate for all adoptees in her everyday life. Her experience shows in her prose. While I am not a transracial adoptee, I found we still have a lot in common. Thank you Angela for this month’s adoptee memoir choice.
I give this memoir 5 stars. I listened to it on audible. In some ways I regret having listened to it instead of reading a physical copy. I may have done myself a disservice. Because I listen to audible most often in the car, I don’t have the ability to write notes as I am listening. I don’t usually listen/read books twice but I may find myself doing exactly that. Today, while driving, I found my mind wandering to places in my own manuscript which could be bettered by this author’s approach. I wanted to stop and take notes but it wasn’t feasible. A second listen, chapter by chapter may be in order.
Angela is a very well read, educated author who is an advocate for all adoptees in her everyday life. Her experience shows in her prose. While I am not a transracial adoptee, I found we still have a lot in common. Thank you Angela for this month’s adoptee memoir choice.
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October 14, 2025I met Angela Tucker at a film festival where her husband and I were both showing films. When I heard she had written a book, I checked out the audiobook, and I'm so glad I did.
I feel like I gained so much perspective on adoption -- a subject I haven't thought very deeply about, despite the fact that some of my biological relatives have been adopted into other families. And as a child, I discovered that I had an unknown cousin when he tracked down our family as a grown man with a family of his own. I felt like I went through an emotional journey as Tucker tracked down her own biological family. She's definitely given me a lot to talk to my cousin about, and more to think about with some of my other relatives who were placed in adoption.
I feel like I gained so much perspective on adoption -- a subject I haven't thought very deeply about, despite the fact that some of my biological relatives have been adopted into other families. And as a child, I discovered that I had an unknown cousin when he tracked down our family as a grown man with a family of his own. I felt like I went through an emotional journey as Tucker tracked down her own biological family. She's definitely given me a lot to talk to my cousin about, and more to think about with some of my other relatives who were placed in adoption.
November 26, 2024
Listened to the audiobook read by Angela. I had the pleasure of meeting Angela through a video call for a potential work event. I didn’t know much about adoption so was interested in learning more. Angela’s story is moving and takes an incredible look at the institution of adoption. I recently participated in an “undoing institutionalized racism” workshop and Angela’s experience with transracial adoption made so many connections. Learning about adoptions and the treatment of adoptee vs birth mom is fascinating. I’m excited to share Angela’s story with my work family to see how we can support adoptees.
May 3, 2023
I was so sad when this book ended. I learned a tremendous amount from Angela’s ability to weave research and data with story telling.
March 16, 2024
A truly eye-opening account of experience with transracial adoption!
April 1, 2025
What can I say about this book, it's relatable, heartbreaking, powerful and hopeful at the same time.
Such an important book and it offers different perspectives on adoption.
I applaud Angela for giving a voice to adoptees and tell the stories about adoption.
Is a thoroughly researched book with a lot of insightful information. Highly recommend reading this book.
Such an important book and it offers different perspectives on adoption.
I applaud Angela for giving a voice to adoptees and tell the stories about adoption.
Is a thoroughly researched book with a lot of insightful information. Highly recommend reading this book.
July 21, 2023
Angela Tucker sheds an incredible light from the perspective of a transracial adoptee with this book. It is well-researched, and given to us in the form of a memoir. I found myself learning so much, feeling SO many emotions, and thinking about the different aspects of adoption that I hadn't even considered before. It's so well-written, and I really think that everyone could benefit from reading this book.
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