Bad At Existing: Poems

by Madisen Kuhn

“Madisen’s poetry is thoughtful and makes one feel seen and heard. I can’t wait for readers to dive in.” —Rupi Kaur, #1 New York Times bestselling author

Find yourself in the pages of this moving poetry and prose collection from the author of Eighteen Years and Please Don’t Go Before I Get Better.

In her fourth book, Madisen Kuhn explores the complexities of identity, self-expression, longing, and hope--capturing the duality of wanting to be seen by the world while wanting to hide from it. With 160 poems, Bad At Existing embraces the messiness of being human and rejects the idea that we must be perfect to be seen. Madisen invites you to leave your expectations and self-judgment at the door and allow yourself to simply exist—even if that means sometimes being bad at it.

Genres: Poetry, Nonfiction

272 pages, Kindle Edition

Published October 4, 2022

About the author

Madisen Kuhn is a poet from Charlottesville, Virginia. She likes to explore topics of identity, belonging, sexuality, and mental illness in her work.

At 19, Madisen self-published her first poetry collection, Eighteen Years, after gaining a following on Tumblr and Instagram. She went on to publish Please Don't Go Before I Get Better in 2018 with Gallery Books. Her third book, Almost Home, was a semi-finalist in the Goodreads Choice Awards — Best Poetry Books of 2019.

Her fourth collection of poetry, Bad At Existing, explores the complexities of identity, self-expression, longing, and hope—capturing the duality of wanting to be seen by the world while wanting to hide from it. It is set to be released on October 4, 2022.

Reviews

[Jessi ❤️ H. Vojsk [if villain, why hot?] · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sometimes I feel so full of tenderness
that I am convinced
I could live a hundred lifetimes
carrying the same heart in my chest
and it still wouldn't be enough.

[Sahar Jennah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everything Madisen writes is so beautifully vulnerable and raw that sometimes I’m so taken aback at the fact that she found the perfect words to describe how I feel. I just feel like every poem she writes is for me!!

[Caitlin Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

When the author's note makes you cry, you know it's going to be good. The way this book has completely and utterly ripped me open and destroyed me. I'm not sure if I've ever felt more seen emotionally or mentally while reading a book. I have been a lover of Madisen's poetry for such a long time and I was expecting to love this one just as much as her last ones, but damn this really blew me out of the water. I felt like I was highlighting almost every poem and I have zero regrets about that. Now I just need to get a physical copy so I can actually highlight everything and tab the shit out of it. These are poems I could read over and over again and never get tired of them. And I definitely have some tattoo ideas in the works.

Some of my favorite poems: Secluded, Submerged, Hourglass, Goldfinch, Phosphorescent, Linger, Supernova, Healing, The Reaper, I Want to Let You Back In, Take Me, If A Yellow Traffic Light Was A Girl, Sidelines, Relentless, 777, Held, Talking to Myself, Faraway, Dizzy, Can You See Me, I'm A Good Girl, I'm A Sad Girl, Melt, For The Best, Intangible, Hidden Vein, Choke, Comfort Zone, Bad at Existing, Saving Myself, Thirty.

Lines that ruined me:
"I would like to be able to feel something without it feeling like the end of the world."
"I don't want to give you any more of me because I'm not sure I'll get it back but I don't want to be left alone."
"Am I allowed to mourn the isolation when I'm the one who dug the ditch?"
"And then I realized that the walls I'd built were not keeping me from harm but instead had allowed me to harm myself without interruption."
"And I suppose I just want you to see me but too often it feels as though you are gazing into a mud-clouded puddle of yesterday's rainwater seeing only a vague reflection of yourself and of who you wish I could be."
"I'm just a girl who loves the taste of barely scraping by."
"I have forgotten what it was like before the noise, I have done everything but pick up my keys."
"I should've gone with you but I have this feeling in my chest that I'm worried won't go away until I climb back into bed and start over in the morning, I've been trying to wake up all day."
"I hold onto moments much longer than I should, so often I choose the comfort of my inner world."
"Why does it feel like everyone sees me more clearly from a distance than anyone who's standing up close."

There are so many more but I'm going to stop now before this review turns into an actual novel. Just read it okay???

[vee. · Rating 3 out of 5]

↠ 2.5 stars

this ain't right up my alley rn

[F.S. Yousaf · Rating 5 out of 5]

Madisen’s words truly bring me solace. The story every poem tells, the formatting— everything about this collection easily makes it one of my favorites from her.

[Maria · Rating 4 out of 5]

A warm book. Feels like a stream of consciousness, but one of a special mind.

[Grace Usleman · Rating 4 out of 5]

With the fourth collection of Madisen’s work, it is obvious she has spent years curating the perfect anthology for her audience. I believe this is the most mature, concentrated, authentic work we have received from her, and it was a beautiful taste at what life has looked like for her as of late. My only qualm is that there was no clear direction for each section, no specific theme (that I could tell) to tie them together, and many of the poems that repeated lines or motifs with each other sat right next to one another— it felt a bit redundant and inauthentic. However, with the vulnerable honesty of this work as a whole, that is an easy thing to ignore.

I can’t wait to see what Madisen offers us next, but for now, this will certainly hold us off until the next release. I’m sure this is the kind of book a girl reads over and over as she grows up and every new poem takes a new meaning. Very few people have been able to offer that solace to this generation of women as well as Madisen has.

[Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Madisen Kuhn’s words were deep enough for me to drown & I was alright with not coming up for air.

Loved, loved, loved exploring this collection.

[Marykate]

The last section is the best section but I also think that about every poetry book

[Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5-3 stars

[marleywrites · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved reading this collection and am so proud of Madisen for publishing this raw and honest work. I can’t wait to see where she goes next!

[Kristina · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a masterpiece. I’ve been following Madisen since her tumblr days and I’ve always been enchanted by her work. This collection is no different. I am forever inspired by her writing, by how honest and personal it is. That is a brave thing to be as a poet. It is why it always resonates, always evokes such raw feelings we know are easier to push down, shut off. I am so grateful for her poetry and the way it’s helped me discover so many things about myself as a person and poet. I was so shocked to read that this collection was passed upon, but also flooded with pride that Kuhn didn’t take it as defeat and chose to self publish. It is the furthest thing from going backwards. In every collection I see her growth and I feel her roots. This is what it means to be a poet, to love poetry, to share and to learn and to feel. I highlighted so many lines, I shed so many tears. This collection reminds me why we write and why we read. This is brave. This is art. We’re never alone in our existence. We’re never wrong in it. We just are, sometimes, and that’s more than okay.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book came into my life when sickness decided to creep into my life and turn everything upside down for a while. The title was perfect for how I felt about life at the moment and was my companion throughout my recovery. Every page spoke to me and I felt like Madisen knew me personally as she got it right...every darn time. How can someone know you so well when they never met you and even write to you so that you may find their book on a shelf? That is quite a feat! Her story is a story of the human experience, a shared experience of this journey we call life. I will look back at these poems to remind myself of that and to know I am not alone.

[alex · Rating 4 out of 5]

“I am breaking my legs performing for no one, hoping that with enough practice, I may become better at being wrecked”


I loved this collection of poems so much. Some were too relatable and some felt just like the song Ribs by Lorde. I read on a Kindle but am ordering a physical copy immediately!


“Grow closer to death until it doesn’t scare me anymore
I used to think ghosts lived in mausoleums
But now I know
They live inside of twenty-four-year-olds
Who watch the same vampire movie every time it rains”

[Catherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my favorite things about poetry is how someone can write about something so personal and specific to their own experience, and yet you read it and feel instantly seen. As Madisen writes in the acknowledgments, “You found me, took my hand, and said, ‘I feel this too. You’re not the only one.’” This collection is raw, tender, and honest in a way that my poet’s heart really connected with, and I will definitely be revisiting these poems in the future.

[mari · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is a gorgeous collection of poetry that just resonated with me. i’ve highlighted so many parts and i just wanted to read slowly to take in the beauty of the words. it’s very vivid in imagery and touches upon emotions i could not quite put into words. i would love to read more from this author.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

so many of these poems feel like they were taken from the parts of my heart that i don't let anyone really know. that is to say, MK's poems are so relatable, they are digestable without being too simplistic and it just feels good to read these words and know that i am not alone, nor have i ever been. i will return to her poetry again and again.

[Alexis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely beautiful. As a BIG fan of Madisen’s poetry, Bad At Existing did not disappoint. It’s an honor to be able to witness her growth since she’s started publishing.

Tumblr girls, always and forever 🤍

[J · Rating 4 out of 5]

Touching

There are very unique and touching lines within this book. You can really feel the heartbreak, agony and longing. Not my style of poetry but all together, a great work of art !

[Anna Shultz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just the best. I’ve loved Madisen’s poetry for years now so I was excited to read this, but I didn’t know how well she could put to words feelings that I haven’t been able to find words to describe. She’s so vulnerable and honest and just so easy to read. Love love love

[sarah rogan · Rating 4 out of 5]

is good 2 read in a parking lot in ur car w warm oat milk matcha & when u don’t have the mental capacity to process anything else

[BiblioBelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

thoughtful

[Jess Mele · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such beautiful poems! Highly recommend this collection. Definitely my favorite of Kuhn’s work

[Emilia Frost · Rating 4 out of 5]

This took me ages to get through but i thoroughly enjoyed it and have many a dog eared page of poems i like!

[Cadence Ellen · Rating 5 out of 5]

a beaut, to put it shortly

[Indira Midha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Favorite pieces: “Don’t be a stranger,” “Another life,” and “The mom friend”

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

A nostalgic collection, full of yearning, not only cozy and comforting but also emotional and honest. Madisen Kuhn always makes me feel less alone, her words wrap their arms around me in the darkest of times, cheering me on, motivating me. It’s almost as if when I dive into her collections, I come home. Like visiting an old friend that has stuck with me for years and knows me deeply. That’s what her poetry is to me. Her writing style focuses on heavy emotions, both joyously positive and heartbreakingly negative, focusing on minute details to create feelings and transport the readers. Bad At Existing tackles such important and personal themes and I always admire Madisen for that: each collection I feel like she’s as honest as she can be, then she releases another collection and I’m just amazed.

Though I enjoyed the collection, Madisen is at her best when writing longer poems that play with metaphorical language. The shorter poems lacked the satisfaction and detail, leaving me feeling empty when I know Madisen is a good writer. This collection is worth reading, regardless of the amount of poems that left me wanting more, the collection as a whole as beautiful and enjoyable.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I reallllly wanna like poetry but I just don’t :( am I reading the wrong kinds????
This was fine, took a while for me to get through. I liked bits and pieces. Similar themes through the whole thing I feel like a 3rd could’ve been cut as it was kind of repetitive.
5 stars bc poetry is more subjective than other types of stories and I can’t rate someone’s life/storytelling/release as 3 stars *shrug*

[Hayley · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was so excited for this book! I think it just wasn’t meant for me? There was a couple of poems I resonated with a lot and love them! But the book put me in a bit of a slump for awhile (took me a while to finish) but I wanted to power through! I personally thought some of the poems were a bit repetitive and some didn’t make the most sense to me. Glad I checked it out though!

[Avani 🩵Yeonjun’s Ghost Girl🩵 · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've never read any poetry before this book so I don't exactly know how to rate it. I loved the poetry in this book though, its so beautiful and raw.
One of my favorite poems is:

"I try to keep my brokenness a secret
It is easier to be broken alone"

I really enjoyed this book so would recommended this.