Mad Cows

Madeleine Wolfe #2

by Kathy Lette

Every woman wants to be wanted…but just not by the entire Metropolitan police force.

Maddy Wolfe's first day out with her newborn takes a Kafkaesque turn when she's wrongfully arrested in Harrods for shoplifting. The only person she can turn to is her hot-to-trot ex-lover Alex, who proves himself as useful as a solar-powered vibrator on a rainy day. When will he realize that a paternity suit is not the latest look in men’s leisureware?

How do you brief a lawyer with a heat-seeking penis that doesn’t report to mission control? And why the hell is Maddy’s friend Gillian searching for a sperm happy to get egg all over its face?

Genres: Fiction, Humor, Chick Lit, Audiobook, Romance, Contemporary, Australia

294 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1996

About the author

Kathy Lette divides her time between being a full time writer,
demented mother (now there's a tautology) and trying to find a shopping trolley that doesn't have a clubbed wheel.

Kathy first achieved succés de scandale as a teenager with the novel Puberty Blues, now a major motion picture.

After several years as a singer with the Salami Sisters and a newspaper columnist in Sydney and New York (collected in the book "Hit and Ms") and as a television sitcom writer for Columbia Pictures in Los Angeles, her novels, "Puberty Blues" (1979) "Girls Night Out" (1988), "The Llama Parlour" (1991), "Foetal Attraction" (1993), "Mad Cows" (1996),"Altar Ego" (1998) "Nip'N'Tuck" (2001), "Dead Sexy" (2003) and "How To Kill Your Husband (and other handy household hints)" (2006) became international best-sellers. Kathy Lette's plays include "Grommits", "Wet Dreams", "Perfect Mismatch" and "I'm So Happy For You I Really Am".

She lives in London with her husband and two children and has just finished a stint as writer in Residence at London's Savoy Hotel.

Kathy says that the best thing about being a writer is that you get to work in your jammies all day, drink heavily on the job and have affairs and call it research! (Although her husband says he should have the affair as it would give her a better book!)

Reviews

[Laurie · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book couldn’t have been unfunnier if it were about poor cows suffering from Mad Cow disease. It’s not my favorite genre, but every now and then I come across a gem that I actually like. This wasn’t one of them.

It’s about a brand new mom who just wanted to buy some prunes to help move things along but instead winds up in jail after a series of stupid coincidental calamities. We get to listen to her inane and crude thoughts as she prattles on about baby poop, drooping bellies, episiotomy plums in the undies and sore dripping teats. The father is a married jerk with twins who wants nothing to do with her and won’t bail her out. How shocking and original. From what I can gather she has no job, no skills, no brains and no sugar daddy. She fears social services will force her into adopting out the baby so she has a girlfriend (a middle aged Sex In The City wannabe type) sneak it out of jail and take care of it and then whines because her boobs are dripping and sore.

The point of view then switches back and forth between the chick in jail and her vapid, materialistic and equally brain dead friend. I fear for the kid and for my brain cells. . . .

It’s very dated. The only serious laugh I got out of the thing was when one of the jailbirds declares Mel Gibson ‘the perfect man’. The rest of the humor is insulting, rude or flat out gross.

I usually finish audiobooks but don’t know if I can stomach any more of this annoying shit. It's so bad I'm almost hoping her hemorrhoids start up a dialogue and tell me about their day.

[Jayne · Rating 1 out of 5]

It's a terrible terrible book. So terrible that I kept reading it out of a kind of horrified fascination to see where the author was going with the story. It's supposed to be funny but I didn't laugh out loud once. Not even a chuckle.

[Vesna · Rating 1 out of 5]

I did not like it at all, why on Earth did I read it?

[Meredith Walker · Rating 1 out of 5]

disappointing... a rubbish story told in a crass manner by someone who should know better. there is a fine line between sarcasm and humour and Kathy and Lette has totally missed it this time.

[Izzy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Richard E Grant made me do it - bit silly if you ask me

[Booksofdoom · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a hilarious and fast book about a mother with a small baby.

The story begins with Maddy, the mother being at her first trip to the mall after the birth of her son Jack. The father, Alex Drake documentary filmmaker, turned out to be a jerk and Maddy left him.

Her boobs are leaking, the baby stinks of poop and with a bag of dried plums in her jacket pocket, she's accused of shoplifting.

..and disturbing the peace (breastfeeding in a public place).

Suddenly both Maddy and Jack are guests at the womens' prison Halloway.


Then the rest happens...


Very much fun to read. A chicklit novel at the genres very best.

[J.L. Campbell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Despite the serious nature of the plot, Mad Cows was a hilarious read from start to finish. Maddy’s a foreigner in England, has few friends, and faces a situation so much bigger than herself. She does some crazy things, but in the end makes the best choice for herself and her baby.

Though the book mostly felt like a light-hearted read, Lette took jabs at ‘perfect parents’, you know the ones who know all there is to know about parenting and engage their children in a whirlwind of activities? She also spoke to the prison and welfare system and classism in Britain. Lette also introduced me to some new words which included some Aussie terms.

[The Twins · Rating 1 out of 5]

I made it to disk 7 but found it unbearable to listen to it any further. I know it is all lighthearted and ironic - I just didn't find it funny or entertaining at all.

[Erica Basnicki · Rating 2 out of 5]

It gets a second star because I’m, frankly, baffled as to how this was published. It’s so terrible it’s almost quaint, and there is a certain 90s nostalgia about it: the kind that makes you cringe in embarrassment but also giggle briefly in recognition. It gets a second star for being so bad that it will come up in conversation, often. If it were a farce, it might even have earned its second star. Mostly it gets two stars for being the oddest literary artefact I’ve ever stumbled across (and that’s not a figure of speech; I found this book by the side of the road and nearly tripped discovering it). A few good puns though.

[Nicky (burialshroud) · Rating 2 out of 5]

When I was about 14 I got it into my head that I needed to stop reading Katherine Applegate's Making Out series over and over again and start reading proper adult books. To this end I borrowed Mad Cows from a family friend.

I remember two things from it:
-The young one compares her pre-pregnancy nipples to Jelly Babies. A distressing and unsavoury association that will never leave my brain.
-The old one makes fun of babygrows/onesies during a job interview or something, only to realise that the interviewer is wearing one (?!?!).

Anyway it's not very good (someone tries to breast-feed in Harrod's and gets arrested is the crux of it) and it drove me into the dread arms of Anne Rice and so is directly to blame for me reading Memnoch the Devil.

[John · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sometimes you're desperate for something brainless and shallow to read; in my case, I tend to get my hands on pulp paperbacks that my (highly educated, intelligent, strategy consultant) girlfriend leaves lying around -- the same person who repeatedly tries to explain to me why high-powered female executives fight each other for fashion and gossip magazines on Friday evening commuter flights.

This was brainless and shallow, and somehow entertaining, I can't explain how, like playing Solitaire on your PC...

[Sharon · Rating 1 out of 5]

I really struggled through this book. To me Kathy Lette is a mixture of witty one liners and total vulgarity. When she's good she's good but Mad Cows unfortunately fell into the latter category and stayed there throughout. The subject matter being quite hard hitting - the welfare of a baby while the mother is first arrested and then goes on the run - and it really doesn't lend itself to the comic, blase style of the book. Tasteless and I wish I hadn't bothered.

[Dana · Rating 1 out of 5]

Apallingly farfetched.
I really wanted to be wrong about this book. But I could no longer give it the benefit of the doubt after my 20%/10% rule (only abandon reading a book after reading 20% of the number of pages. But if it is really bad, 10% is sufficient). With this one it was really painful to get to the 10%

[Kate Millin-Shaw · Rating 1 out of 5]

Always wondered what the appeal of this author was - and still am. I did not enjoy this read- not my type of book at all, although there were some humourous one liners it did not make me laugh or even smile.

[Angie · Rating 1 out of 5]

this book was horrible. I didn't even finish it. The story was just too unbelievable. If I could give it a zero I would.

[Rebecca · Rating 1 out of 5]

Didn't get past the second chapter as I felt that I was being bombarded with every how-can-I-make-this-situation-funny scenario that there was. It got bring and repetitive after the first chapter.

[Kiwileese · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilarious!

[Victoria Spicer-Stuart · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not worth the ink.

[Irene · Rating 4 out of 5]

A nightmare scenario but SO funny!

[Sabrina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious, loved it.

[Ophelia Gold · Rating 1 out of 5]

Damn I hated it. I hate Maddy and Alex. The pair of them are ridiculous, and grotesque people probably quite likely deserving of each other. Maddy turns jail bird and somehow manages to break out, only to keep crawling towards a man than doesn't lover her. Alex let's her go time after time and never chases after her (even though she has his son of which he could not be less interested in.) Even after in everyway Alex has let her down she keeps being 'turned on' by him and is constantly lusting over a man who -was secretly married with children, lied about wanting to marry her, made an appointment for her to have an abortion of their child, left her in jail and denied any connection to her or the baby, refused to be involved as a parent and finding new girlfriends along the way while his jail bird, immigrant new single mom ex was left homeless and penniless with hardly any connections in England to speak of other than Gillian. Urgh! (insert eyeroll for the Gillian character) all though she is Maddy's only friend she is still a very sickly character that will do literally anything for money, including but not limited to- prostitution, selling her eggs, robbing from hotels, constantly trying to marry for money- and that's not an exhausted list. Honestly, everyone in this book was either a liar, a cheat, a prostitute, a shop lifter, a bent copper, a violent thug, a drug dealer, a lousy parent and the list goes on and on. This was a very gritty and seedy story for Kathy Lette. I know she isn't known for wholesome writing, but she is known for sarcasm and comedy, and I'm sad to say this one definitely didn't make me laugh.

[Paul Ransom · Rating 3 out of 5]

Comedy is often said to be the hardest thing to write; but Kathy Lette clearly has the knack. 'Mad Cows' sparkles with her often acerbic wit, and this underscores the book’s appeal. Although branded ‘chick-lit’, and liberally laced with sharp, feminist barbs, it is not a girl only zone. Lette’s swagger and cleverness shine bright, and her ability to distil our various absurdities into pithy humour and page-turning pleasure are notable. 'Mad Cows' may not be classic or profound but neither does it pretend to be. Instead, it offers us effervescent entertainment and shrewdly observed hilarity. After all, we are all a little mad sometimes.

[Alison · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is one of the worst books I’ve ever had the misfortune to attempt to read. If I could, I’d have given it 0 stars - better still a minus star rating. The author tries far too hard to be funny virtually all the way through, but fails miserably. I can’t think why I subjected myself to reading this drivel, other than the hope that it might eventually be a little bit more readable. To be avoided.

[Caroline Larner · Rating 3 out of 5]

This novel is full of Lette's trademark humour but is by no way her finest work. It's enjoyable but I felt the story was a little disjointed at times and it jumped around at a heady pace making the plot and characters difficult to engage with. If you're a completist like me you'll want to read it as part of Lette's body of works but I'd start with her other novels first.

[Charles James · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read after ploughing through some standard thrillers.Was a little wary when the descriptions described as chick lit . However found it refreshing , funny and a good read . many throwaway one liners .Entertaining even though it borders on the farcical. The book was published many years ago , the only unrealistic part of the book now is that the police would be bothered about shop lifting .

[Amy Bryant · Rating 3 out of 5]

I couldn't decide throughout reading this book whether I enjoyed it or not! The style of writing was different and there were parts which were funny. It had lots of 90s references which I didn't always get. The plot was also a bit out there. However, I did get through the book fast and enjoy parts.

[Robyn Peterie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Dreadful.
Did not finish. Could not finish. Would probably rather be stampeded by mad cows than finish.
Not funny. Unnatural prose. Unrealistic. Crass.
This is the second very disappointing book by this author. I won’t be reading another.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Total Lol.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

All books by this author show an accomplished use of puns, very funny, very clever!

[Carol · Rating 2 out of 5]

Slightly amusing a couple of times, but quite a sad tale that may have benefited from being a little shorter.