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When Children Come Out: A Guide for Christian Parents
If you are a parent wrestling with God, you are not alone.
When a child comes out as LGBTQ+, Christian parents often find themselves navigating unfamiliar, unsettling terrain. Mark Yarhouse and Olya Zaporozhets, therapists and researchers with decades of experience, have written this book to provide perspective, insight, and the chance to learn from others who've shared a similar journey. Using data from studies of Christian parents of LGBTQ+ children, they deliver research-based insights and faithful wisdom that is accessible for parents, their friends, and church leaders.
Yarhouse and Zaporozhets reframe the focus away from "culture war" questions that are not helpful to families in favor of practical counsel for maintaining and deepening relationships. Parents and the church leaders who care for them will benefit from understanding key developmental considerations among teenagers and emerging adults who are navigating questions around sexual and gender identity and faith.
Identifying common patterns while acknowledging the uniqueness of each family, here is a book to guide parents in processing their own experiences, beliefs, and relationship with God. They will also discover techniques to reduce fear-based parenting choices and to express love, as the parent-child relationship continues to change and grow over time.
Filled with stories, hard-won advice from Christian parents, and questions for reflection, When Children Come Out is an essential and hopeful resource.
When a child comes out as LGBTQ+, Christian parents often find themselves navigating unfamiliar, unsettling terrain. Mark Yarhouse and Olya Zaporozhets, therapists and researchers with decades of experience, have written this book to provide perspective, insight, and the chance to learn from others who've shared a similar journey. Using data from studies of Christian parents of LGBTQ+ children, they deliver research-based insights and faithful wisdom that is accessible for parents, their friends, and church leaders.
Yarhouse and Zaporozhets reframe the focus away from "culture war" questions that are not helpful to families in favor of practical counsel for maintaining and deepening relationships. Parents and the church leaders who care for them will benefit from understanding key developmental considerations among teenagers and emerging adults who are navigating questions around sexual and gender identity and faith.
Identifying common patterns while acknowledging the uniqueness of each family, here is a book to guide parents in processing their own experiences, beliefs, and relationship with God. They will also discover techniques to reduce fear-based parenting choices and to express love, as the parent-child relationship continues to change and grow over time.
Filled with stories, hard-won advice from Christian parents, and questions for reflection, When Children Come Out is an essential and hopeful resource.
184 pages, Kindle Edition
Published December 13, 2022
20 people are currently reading
98 people want to read
About the author
Mark A. Yarhouse
33 books69 followersMark A. Yarhouse is a professor of psychology and the director of the Institute for the Study of Sexual Identity at Regent University. He is also part of a group practice in the Virginia Beach area, providing individual, couples, family, and group counseling. Dr. Yarhouse received his PsyD from Wheaton College and has worked collaboratively on a number of books. He and his family live in Virginia Beach, Virginia.
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
September 30, 2022
"Nowhere does the Bible list hatred or abandonment among the list of attributes God seeks in a parent to raise one of his uniquely created children."
This book will not give you a step by step hermeneutic for how you, as the parent of a gay child should address the issue. It is not an apologetic for the 'Christian' stance on same-sex attraction. Simply put, this book is a companion to walk alongside you on this journey. It will introduce you to families who are in your shoes, describe different ways people haver wrestled through it, and gently put an arm around you when you feel lost.
If you're here looking for answers, this might not be the book for you. If you're here because you need someone who understands, welcome.
This book will not give you a step by step hermeneutic for how you, as the parent of a gay child should address the issue. It is not an apologetic for the 'Christian' stance on same-sex attraction. Simply put, this book is a companion to walk alongside you on this journey. It will introduce you to families who are in your shoes, describe different ways people haver wrestled through it, and gently put an arm around you when you feel lost.
If you're here looking for answers, this might not be the book for you. If you're here because you need someone who understands, welcome.
October 15, 2022
Activists hold annual parades to celebrate their sexual orientation. Politicians flaunt their support to garner votes. Many organizations have also enshrined gender equality for all forms of self-identified sexualities. For all the public acceptance, there are still some in the private sphere who are more reserved. For various reasons, there are issues surrounding sexual orientations that individual families and communities need to grapple with. One of the most challenging situations have to deal with conservative parents whose children confess their homosexual orientations, same-sex attractions, or the umbrella term LGBTQ+. This is popularly known as "coming out." Thus the title of this book is essentially about journeying with parents, especially conservative ones, in such situations. How do we nuance our understanding of sexuality without compromising on our biblical faith? How do we communicate such sensitive topics? How do we deal with the experiences from the stage of awareness to the stage of discovery or disclosure? Based on statistical studies as well as personal interviews, authors Mark Yarhouse and Olya Zaporozhets have written this book to guide parents through these stages to facilitate dialogue and mutual understanding. Two parallel journeys are of interest. One of the parents and the other of the child coming out. The focus of this book is on the former. The authors walk us through the process of awareness; seeking help; maintaining the relationship; impact on faith; and how parents can come to terms with reality. Toward the end of the book, there is a chapter about how the Church can help.
On awareness, we learn about the different ways in which parents find out about their child's sexual orientation. Every parent will find out differently. Some through open disclosure while others discover it through various clues. What is common is the uncertainty of what to do with the news. A majority will possess a mixture of positive and negative feelings. A key conflict would be the parents' love for the child versus strongly held religious convictions. Based on feedback from Christian parents the authors offer three pieces of advice:
1) Lead with love
2) Acceptance of the child and circumstances
3) Self-care
Generally, many parents need help especially when it comes to deciding whether to avoid or to approach the situation directly. In avoidance, some parents go into the closet when their children come out. In approach, we are reminded about the dangers of rumours and gossip. Perhaps, the best piece of advice is for the person to tell his/her story. There is a third way, that is, to pray and wait for wisdom to know what to do. That will just be the starting point. What happens next is the challenge of maintaining the loving relationship between parent and child. It is easy to speak of love but when it comes to practicing it, it becomes a growing challenge as the emotional and religious conflicts get played out long-term. Yarhouse and Zaporozhets remind us to protect our children regardless of how we feel. This can best be done when one suspends any form of judgment.
My Thoughts
==============
The authors have written this book in a manner that addresses many concerns of parents. In trying to strike a balance between both parent and the child, they have maintained a position that accepts both the parents' emotions as well as the child's orientation. In some circles, this position is not tenable simply because the issue is far more complex than mere acceptance. If a person sees such sexuality as unnatural and sinful, how could there be acceptance? They could also bring in the question of pleasing God or pleasing humans? When that happens, it will be difficult. The authors try to avoid such a scenario hence their plea for acceptance. They show us that acceptance is in itself a journey. While acknowledging it is vital for parents to withhold any judgment, they help us deal with any nagging discomfort through open communication and honesty. Looking at it from a relational standpoint, all sides could gain if they could seek more common ground. Such a common ground includes assurance of love, continued faith in God, and withholding any form of conclusion about one's convictions. The most difficult would probably be the latter which makes the chapter on faith matters crucial. The core question is the belief of whether homosexuality is a sin. The authors advocate from their research that the way forward would be for parents to re-examine their own faith in the first place. When they do eventually come around to acknowledge that homosexuality is "not" a sin, they might have to find for themselves "pockets of safety and support." This is a difficult position to take. In fact, both positions of keeping the faith and changing one's faith are difficult.
Yarhouse and Zaporozhets believe that the way forward is acceptance. Actually, it is more about accepting the child's position rather than the parent's religious convictions. That is why they include the chapter on "How parents come to terms." Like the classic journals on change, it is easier to change oneself rather than to change others. In the same way, they are telling parents that it is easier to change their own convictions than to try to change their children's sexuality. Whether it is about distinguishing between same-sex attraction or behavior, some parents will find it difficult to see the difference. Grieving is an emotion that should not be underestimated. The issue is complex and I think acceptance is only one of the solutions. Perhaps there should also be a guide for the child to understand the parents' position. Applying the same logic, as much as parents are expected to accept their child's condition, what about the other way around? How could the child coming out accept the parents' convictions? The issue is way more complex than mere acceptance.
It is telling that when the issue hits close to home, convictions waver considerably. Yet my gut feeling about this book is that while the authors claim to nuance their understanding of the sexuality issue, it tends to be lopsided toward accepting sexual orientation over other potential options. For that reason, I feel the book has not presented sufficiently other positions.
Mark A. Yarhouse (PsyD, Wheaton College) is the Dr. Arthur P. Rech and Mrs. Jean May Rech Professor of Psychology at Wheaton College, where he directs the Sexual and Gender Identity Institute. He is a licensed clinical psychologist and author or coauthor of many books, including Gender Identity and Faith, Family Therapies, and The Integration of Psychology and Christianity.
Olya Zaporozhets (PhD, University of Toledo) is an associate professor in the School of Psychology and Counseling at Regent University. Dr. Zaporozhets is coauthor (with Mark Yarhouse) of Costly Obedience: What We Can Learn from the Celibate Gay Christian Community. She has diverse clinical experiences and has trained Christian leaders in mental health counseling in Europe and Asia.
Rating: 4 stars of 5.
conrade
This book has been provided courtesy of InterVarsity Press and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.
On awareness, we learn about the different ways in which parents find out about their child's sexual orientation. Every parent will find out differently. Some through open disclosure while others discover it through various clues. What is common is the uncertainty of what to do with the news. A majority will possess a mixture of positive and negative feelings. A key conflict would be the parents' love for the child versus strongly held religious convictions. Based on feedback from Christian parents the authors offer three pieces of advice:
1) Lead with love
2) Acceptance of the child and circumstances
3) Self-care
Generally, many parents need help especially when it comes to deciding whether to avoid or to approach the situation directly. In avoidance, some parents go into the closet when their children come out. In approach, we are reminded about the dangers of rumours and gossip. Perhaps, the best piece of advice is for the person to tell his/her story. There is a third way, that is, to pray and wait for wisdom to know what to do. That will just be the starting point. What happens next is the challenge of maintaining the loving relationship between parent and child. It is easy to speak of love but when it comes to practicing it, it becomes a growing challenge as the emotional and religious conflicts get played out long-term. Yarhouse and Zaporozhets remind us to protect our children regardless of how we feel. This can best be done when one suspends any form of judgment.
My Thoughts
==============
The authors have written this book in a manner that addresses many concerns of parents. In trying to strike a balance between both parent and the child, they have maintained a position that accepts both the parents' emotions as well as the child's orientation. In some circles, this position is not tenable simply because the issue is far more complex than mere acceptance. If a person sees such sexuality as unnatural and sinful, how could there be acceptance? They could also bring in the question of pleasing God or pleasing humans? When that happens, it will be difficult. The authors try to avoid such a scenario hence their plea for acceptance. They show us that acceptance is in itself a journey. While acknowledging it is vital for parents to withhold any judgment, they help us deal with any nagging discomfort through open communication and honesty. Looking at it from a relational standpoint, all sides could gain if they could seek more common ground. Such a common ground includes assurance of love, continued faith in God, and withholding any form of conclusion about one's convictions. The most difficult would probably be the latter which makes the chapter on faith matters crucial. The core question is the belief of whether homosexuality is a sin. The authors advocate from their research that the way forward would be for parents to re-examine their own faith in the first place. When they do eventually come around to acknowledge that homosexuality is "not" a sin, they might have to find for themselves "pockets of safety and support." This is a difficult position to take. In fact, both positions of keeping the faith and changing one's faith are difficult.
Yarhouse and Zaporozhets believe that the way forward is acceptance. Actually, it is more about accepting the child's position rather than the parent's religious convictions. That is why they include the chapter on "How parents come to terms." Like the classic journals on change, it is easier to change oneself rather than to change others. In the same way, they are telling parents that it is easier to change their own convictions than to try to change their children's sexuality. Whether it is about distinguishing between same-sex attraction or behavior, some parents will find it difficult to see the difference. Grieving is an emotion that should not be underestimated. The issue is complex and I think acceptance is only one of the solutions. Perhaps there should also be a guide for the child to understand the parents' position. Applying the same logic, as much as parents are expected to accept their child's condition, what about the other way around? How could the child coming out accept the parents' convictions? The issue is way more complex than mere acceptance.
It is telling that when the issue hits close to home, convictions waver considerably. Yet my gut feeling about this book is that while the authors claim to nuance their understanding of the sexuality issue, it tends to be lopsided toward accepting sexual orientation over other potential options. For that reason, I feel the book has not presented sufficiently other positions.
Mark A. Yarhouse (PsyD, Wheaton College) is the Dr. Arthur P. Rech and Mrs. Jean May Rech Professor of Psychology at Wheaton College, where he directs the Sexual and Gender Identity Institute. He is a licensed clinical psychologist and author or coauthor of many books, including Gender Identity and Faith, Family Therapies, and The Integration of Psychology and Christianity.
Olya Zaporozhets (PhD, University of Toledo) is an associate professor in the School of Psychology and Counseling at Regent University. Dr. Zaporozhets is coauthor (with Mark Yarhouse) of Costly Obedience: What We Can Learn from the Celibate Gay Christian Community. She has diverse clinical experiences and has trained Christian leaders in mental health counseling in Europe and Asia.
Rating: 4 stars of 5.
conrade
This book has been provided courtesy of InterVarsity Press and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.
June 29, 2023
I HIGHLY recommend this book as a parent who has gone through this very situation. I would also recommend it for loved ones, friends, youth pastors and pastors.
The authors handle a tough, volatile topic in a very gentle way. They share through their experiences in counseling families and research they have conducted. Many families agreed to share their experiences in the book too. It’s a very easy read that shares many helpful insights.
As a parent who went through this experience 15 years ago I found myself nodding along many times seeing our story in other families stories. We didn’t do it well and we’ve since asked for forgiveness for that-other parents had that same experience. This situation has made us examine our faith, search the scriptures, change our thoughts on some aspects, and had us throwing out some things we had always been taught as we developed our own opinions. So did other parents. I also saw ways that parents handled things in a way I wish we had. There is something for everyone here.
I love that there is a whole chapter for the church on how they can support families and LGBTQ+ people who attend their church. This book is a needed resource in the church, libraries and people’s homes.
The authors handle a tough, volatile topic in a very gentle way. They share through their experiences in counseling families and research they have conducted. Many families agreed to share their experiences in the book too. It’s a very easy read that shares many helpful insights.
As a parent who went through this experience 15 years ago I found myself nodding along many times seeing our story in other families stories. We didn’t do it well and we’ve since asked for forgiveness for that-other parents had that same experience. This situation has made us examine our faith, search the scriptures, change our thoughts on some aspects, and had us throwing out some things we had always been taught as we developed our own opinions. So did other parents. I also saw ways that parents handled things in a way I wish we had. There is something for everyone here.
I love that there is a whole chapter for the church on how they can support families and LGBTQ+ people who attend their church. This book is a needed resource in the church, libraries and people’s homes.
March 31, 2023
I take issue with the tagline of the book calling it “a guide for Christian parents.” In order to guide people, you must know where you want to take them, and nowhere in this book do the authors take a stand on what the Bible says about homosexuality. Is this book an interesting study in parents’ reactions to their gay children? Yes, absolutely. It’s good to remind parents that their relationships with their children, their church, and their overall faith are likely to change when a child discloses same-sex attraction. However, the only things the book actually guides Christian parents to do are listen well, be kind, and seek further resources. I would’ve been more impressed if this book WAS one of those resources.
January 13, 2023
Thank you netgalley for this ARC. I am leaving an 100% honest review.
I would not recommend for a child to read, but I would recommend a parent to pick it up.
I actually already did, I have a friend with a son that I feel would benefit from reading this book. I enjoy how the book focuses on the parents and their journey to understand their own feelings. Acceptance is NOT affirmation is the biggest thing I took away from this book, along with boundaries being important.
I would not recommend for a child to read, but I would recommend a parent to pick it up.
I actually already did, I have a friend with a son that I feel would benefit from reading this book. I enjoy how the book focuses on the parents and their journey to understand their own feelings. Acceptance is NOT affirmation is the biggest thing I took away from this book, along with boundaries being important.
October 27, 2022
This was an interesting read and a had a lot of helpful information. Navigating how to help your child come out and how to deal with people and issues can be tricky. It can feel isolating and knowing how to best help is hard if it is outside of your own experience. This book provided comfort and wisdom. I highly recommend it to other parents.
January 2, 2023
My perspective on this book comes as one who is living it. I am a Christian parent of an adult trans son and I subscribe to the traditional Christian sexual ethic. I was interested to read this book as I’ve read another by Dr. Yarhouse, and liked that it was addressed to parents. This book is not a theology book around LGBTQ+ issues. It is informational and relational. The format includes the author’s words, but a large majority are the words of other parents walking this journey, and a bit of LGBTQ’s voices themselves (though not much.) The author is respectful of the various perspectives of parents walking this (affirming and non), and the focus isn’t on where one lands-other than knowing and showing you’re not alone wherever one lines up. The first key piece that is so important, and I have found for myself, is to “find your community.” God can bring you others who get it, and are walking it, and as a parent, this makes a huge difference. He also speaks to how our relationship with Jesus can get much deeper-I definitely found this to be true.
It is so important to me that people remember we are talking about our loved ones-this isn’t an “issue”, it’s people-people that we love. The second key piece that I’m thankful got a chapter included was how the local church can help their members walk through this-whether with the LGBTQ people themselves, or their family and friends who love them-support on all sides-and recognizing this is long term support, not short. I definitely will recommend to others-no matter where they land, and it would be a great book to have on a church bookshelf or pastors to hand to a parent when they come seeking help or have questions. In the process, I pray we move away from shame and fear to love with the love of Jesus, and trust the Holy Spirit with the work.
It is so important to me that people remember we are talking about our loved ones-this isn’t an “issue”, it’s people-people that we love. The second key piece that I’m thankful got a chapter included was how the local church can help their members walk through this-whether with the LGBTQ people themselves, or their family and friends who love them-support on all sides-and recognizing this is long term support, not short. I definitely will recommend to others-no matter where they land, and it would be a great book to have on a church bookshelf or pastors to hand to a parent when they come seeking help or have questions. In the process, I pray we move away from shame and fear to love with the love of Jesus, and trust the Holy Spirit with the work.
June 15, 2024
An easy to read synthesis and analysis of results from surveys of Christian parents of LGBTQ+ children. This book is a tremendous resource to not only help parents as they walk through unfamiliar territory, but also to show church staff how to lead with love, graciousness, and humility through that same unfamiliar territory..
April 28, 2023
Similar to other Yarhouse works. I imagine helpful for conservative parents who may evolve from a more conversative ethic towards a Side B ethic (thinking about Side X/Y towards Side B, not Side A towards side B).
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February 3, 2023DMin Course Reading
May 4, 2023
I am not sure why I picked this book up as I had a good idea about where it might land. I am sure there is something to be said for helping parents of queer children, but these supposed therapists did nothing to dispell the notion that it is traumatic to have children come out to "Christian" parents. The stories shared in the book gave me shivers as I can't imagine parents making this decision all about them. Sadly, this is the experience of many conservative parents. Not enough was said about parents working through their own issues and faith perspectives. Instead the authors take a wishy-washy approach that seeks to affirm one faith perspective while having little or no advice on how parents have an obligation to deal with their own prejudices and phobias.
September 5, 2023
Helpful ethnic the context of parents with younger gay children. For those with older trans children, not so much.
May 16, 2024
A great balance of both sides, I recommend this for parents, ministry leaders and anyone that has an interest in caring for their neighbor as best they can
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July 3, 2025I would not recommend this book to Christian parents. It is written from a very progressive point of view and never speaks to the truth the Bible speaks to on this subject.
February 11, 2023
This is a great resource for Christian parents who have a child in the LGBTQ community. It’s practical and compassionate. The last chapter interested me the most as a ministry leader in my church since it discusses how churches can be supportive to these families and be proactive, since the reality is that people on our churches are already navigating these issues.
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