Perfectly Queer: Facing Big Fears, Living Hard Truths, and Loving Myself Fully Out of the Closet

by Jillian Abby

This humorous, heartwarming memoir follows a wife and mother's journey of self-discovery and acceptance as she comes out as a lesbian in her late 30s.

Jill had a happy, healthy 20-year relationship with her college sweetheart, two wonderful kids, and rescue cat from the Humane Society. They lived in a nice suburban home with a white picket fence and owned a small bar that was rated one of the “Best Mom & Pop” businesses in Tampa Bay. From the outside, everything looked perfect.

Perfectly Queer takes the reader on Jillian Abby's poignant and painfully funny rollercoaster of self-discovery as she identifies and eventually accepts herself as a lesbian just before her 40th birthday. Living her new truth means leaving behind a life that, by societal standards, is nearly perfect.

This is a story for anyone who is hiding a piece of themselves and wants to know if it’s safe to be revealed. It’s for the parent who must choose between their own happiness and the stability of their family, wondering if prioritizing themselves is selfish. It’s for the person potentially facing a major life upheaval filled with unknowns in the future who is seeking reassurance that everything will work out just fine. It’s a story of hope and inspiration to those who are starting or are in the middle of their journey, and an affirmation to those who have been through it to stand proudly on the other side.

Genres: LGBT, Memoir, Queer, Nonfiction

288 pages, Paperback

Published April 25, 2023

Reviews

[Michelle Schooling · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perfectly Queer is the story of so many of us, waking up from the slumber of patriarchy. Thank you, Jillian for this brave window into your life and for putting into written word the struggle of so many who fear to speak their truth.

[kelsee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wowowowowow this book was so ridiculously good and was exactly what I needed right now. Though coming out is different for everyone, this made me feel so seen at a time in my life when I really needed it. Thank you, Jill, for sharing your story.

[ReadWithRyan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wasn’t planning on giving this a rating since it’s someone’s personal story but I’ve finished this in 2 days and was so engrossed the whole time.

I really don’t get on with audiobooks but was recommended to try this one and I could listen to Jillian narrate anything now. I also read some on Kindle as well. The perfect read for Pride month and so relatable even as a gay man.

[Sandy Aubitz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book! Author Jillian Abby takes us on her journey to find her true self, and it is well worth the trip. She has a very engaging writing style sprinkled with humor and painful truth. As Steve Jobs said, "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking." I highly recommend reading this very personal story. Kudos to my very brave, kind, smart cousin Jillian Abby ! You are legend. 💕

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perfectly Queer is a beautifully told story of Abby’s experience connecting with and accepting her identity while navigating all of the complicated and painful details of life that come along with late blooming. Her telling of her relationship with her own identity resonated so deeply with me (also a late bloomer) as I turned each page. I am so thankful for Abby’s courage to share her story with transparency, wit, vulnerability and brutal honesty. This is a must-read for anyone struggling to accept a part of themselves or learning to love their self in a different way than before. I loved re-reading passages and chapters to my wife as we reflected on our shared experience. As someone who also ended a 20 year relationship through coming out later in life, Abby’s story tugged at all my heart strings and reminded me that I am not alone - there are plenty of us out there and our stories are worth sharing with each other!

[Ashley Albright · Rating 5 out of 5]

I might need to write a novel about how much I LOVE this book!!
Perfectly queer is a wonderful memoir of a Tampa local navigating towards her true self and learning to love her queer self! It was happy, sad, funny, exhilarating, SO VERY relatable, and extremely validating.

The struggles I had internally during my “coming out” process were put in words I could’ve never formed myself. It was like Jillian Abby could see right into my soul. There were so many beautiful lessons to take away.

Beautifully written with the perfect amount of humor! I couldn’t put this one down. While I briefly did, I couldn’t wait to pick it back up!

Thank you @jillianabbyauthor for baring your soul to all of us and telling your truth. I’m so happy for you getting to this beautiful place in life!
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[Mel (CrazyforBooksandCoffee) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook in one sitting !

I am not a big non fiction reader but this was such an easy memoir to listen to I was completely drawn into her story. would highly recommend!

[Laurel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got this as a gift. The only thing I related to was being a late bloomer lesbian myself. I'm not super interested in stories about child rearing; it's one thing to come out later in life, it's another thing entirely to be married when you come out. I do have friends who have had this experience, but it's just not something I can really relate to. Overall I just didn't find anything super fresh or interesting about the story. Maybe that simply because I've known multiple people who came out after being married to men. I'm more interesting take on that experience is the Hulu documentary Mormon no More. The experience and story itself are beautiful, but the book and writing aren't that great in my opinion.

[annie mckinnon · Rating 5 out of 5]

interesting, funny and emotional read!

I really enjoyed reading Jill’s story warts and all. I have heard many coming out stories but in this book I don’t think Jill left out many details of her coming out journey. I love the way she uses humour mostly laughing at herself In awkward, emotional moments. On the other hand, facing her fears to be her authentic self. This story, for me, is about courage, resilience, connection, honesty and cutting through the bullshit of life and finding herself surrounded by family and people who really matter and love her for her. A beautiful love story and A must read!

[Erika G · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jillian is talented, authentically funny writer whose story will be relatable for anyone with a heart. We’ve all second-guessed ourselves and our life choices, and anyone with children will understand the challenges of trying to figure out what the right thing to do for them is while still being true to one’s own self.

[William Auman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jill has a way with words that keep the reader engaged as she tells of her path to finding herself. Her journey of self-awakening can apply to anyone irrespective of whatever is holding one back from becoming the person that allows them to live the full life that we all deserve.

[Sara W · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5/5 stars

An excellent memoir. I appreciate the author for diving into her story in this way! The writing was also great - just enough humor to make you laugh on occasion without shying away from the emotions being felt.

TW: homophobia, lesbophobia

[Joanne Mcleod · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would give this book five and a half stars. One I must buy now for my personal library.

[Carla · Rating 5 out of 5]

I could not put this book down. I really feel like I related to the author a lot, especially her desire to please her mother at the expense of her own self. If you are LGBT or someone close to you is, read this book.

[RB · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was just what my soul needed as I listened to the author's engaging voice. She faced fears and uncertainties with such grace, and while acknowledging that nothing is perfect, honestly living her hard truths and bravely engaging in difficult conversations gave her the gift of connection with the people she loved most. As a person newly out at just 6 weeks, reading this book did my soul good, and I highly recommend it.

[Lexie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have never been so seen in my queer journey 🤯

[Bethany · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was so deliciously readable. Some say local (because Tampa, FL), but I say local (because shoutout to Western NY! Go Bills!!). While this book is certainly about her personal journey to loving and accepting herself, it is also about parenting, marriage, unconditional love, mental health, and much more. I took a lot away from this one.

**Shop local and pick up your copy at Little Bus Books in Lakeland, FL :)**

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

My first memoir of the year and I enjoyed it. I found it relatable and I loved her witty sense of humor. I chuckled at her inner thoughts at times and empathized with her internal battles. I loved that through it all, she admitted her downfalls and misguided notions, self correcting and being honest!
I loved that through it all, she put her kids above all.
It is amazing that she is still an advocate for LGBTQ rights and provides a shoulder to lean on to those who need it most.

[Heather Hammond · Rating 5 out of 5]

This has got to be the best book I've read thus far in my late blooming era. Absolutely incredible, captures so many of the feelings of being in a straight marriage when realizing you're gay, it's amazing.

[Scott Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read. Our child is Trans non binary and we respect them, but this was a great story of coming to love yourself. I appreciate all the thoughts, fears, and love poured into this story. Well done.

[Dawn Jurkiewicz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed this personal story of Jillian Abby’s journey, finding it relatable and insightful. This book inspires to live authentically.

[Lisa Hagan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jillian Abby’s Perfectly Queer is a memoir that is as hilarious as it is heartfelt, chronicling her late-in-life coming-out journey with equal parts honesty, wit, and vulnerability. From the outside, Jill’s life looked like the picture of suburban perfection—a decades-long marriage, children, a beloved rescue cat, and a thriving family business. Yet beneath the surface was a truth she could no longer ignore: she was a lesbian.

What makes this book so engaging is Abby’s ability to balance the gravity of dismantling a “perfect” life with laugh-out-loud moments and deeply relatable reflections. She invites readers into the messy, tender, and often funny reality of choosing authenticity over convention. Her writing not only humanizes the challenges of coming out later in life but also offers a beacon of reassurance for anyone questioning whether it’s possible to start over.

At its core, Perfectly Queer is more than a coming-out story—it’s a love letter to self-discovery, courage, and the hope that comes from living truthfully. Readers who are navigating identity, family shifts, or any major life transition will find comfort and inspiration here. Abby proves that even when the “perfect life” falls apart, what emerges can be even more beautiful, real, and liberating.

[Maralijn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed reading Jillian Abby's deeply personal, witty, thoughtful-provoking, and immersive memoir. Her process of accepting her truth and then overcoming huge fears to change her life and actually live wholly authentically is empowering and reassuring. Even though this is her story of coming out as a lesbian as a middle-aged mom, I deeply related to her story on many other levels such as recognizing our similar perfectionism and the need for external validation, living according to what others expect from us which causes heaviness and steals our joy, the challenges of motherhood, people-pleasing, the paralyzing fear of making huge life changes, and so forth. Reading her story I was reminded of helpful life strategies such as reframing, finding the purpose in challenges, attending to our spirit and not just our bodies, and being open to receive (because we are worth it!). Jill writes in a witty, immersive style that makes her book a joy to read- I highly recommend you read it because it has something for everyone!

[Zibby Owens · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author had a perfect life: a 20-year relationship with her college sweetheart, two kids, a cat, and a lovely suburban home. Yet, she always felt like she was searching and seeking the one thing still missing from her life. At a high level, this is a story about how the author came out as a lesbian at thirty-eight years old in a craniosacral therapy session. This kicked off a painful yet funny journey of self-discovery.

This book's key message is about how even when we feel like we're doing everything right, we can still feel empty inside if we are not leading the life we want. We find ourselves asking: What am I supposed to be doing here? Who am I really? This book is for anyone living a life based on other people's expectations vs. the life their heart needs to lead. The book is also a love note to the queer community and a hug to anyone who feels like their life isn't as complete as they think it should be. It reminds us that sometimes we must take risks to be who we're supposed to be.

To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://www.momsdonthavetimetoreadboo...

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book! Beautifully written and heartfelt!
Jillian Abby has written a fantastic book that touches on so many different topics: growing up, relationships, parenting, perfectionism, sexuality, forgiveness, adulting, and finding one’s way in the world. Her skill as a storyteller and wordsmith comes through time and again in this entertaining, enjoyable, and memorable book. I had a hard time putting it down! In fact, I read most of it on a single travel day; during my flights and layover.
Readers of all ages and demographics will likely identify with some aspect of Jillian’s story. I am grateful she had the courage to share it.

[Avril Polson · Rating 3 out of 5]

All opinions are entirely my own. I am in no way affiliated with the author or publisher. Remember to support your local indie bookstore and library!

⊹₊ ˚‧︵‿₊୨ ᰔ ୧₊‿︵‧ ˚ ₊⊹

"There would be no making deals for a chance at the lesbian life with a drag queen named Ursula."

- [ ] Star Rating: 3 Stars
- [ ] Discovery: Browsing
- [ ] Reading Format: Physical
- [ ] Read Time: 2.5 Hours

Jill, a wife and mother and secret lesbian. Follow her journey of self-discovery and acceptance as she comes out as a lesbian in her late 30s.

Insight into discovering yourself at a more mature age when you've already laid down roots.

[Corinna · Rating 5 out of 5]

What can I say? For anyone who is discovering themselves, finding their “true self”, this is a must read.
I saw this book at my local library, read the back and thought I need to borrow this book. I am so glad I took this book home with me that day.
I laughed, and I cried. The last chapter “Worth It” was like it was written for me, it summed up my own personal journey perfectly having also found my soul human.
Jillian, thank you for sharing your journey with us, for putting your story into words that can emanate so well with others.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[Kristyna Burczyk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perfectly Queer is a book about coming out late in life...coming out of a relationship, coming out of heartache, coming out of self-doubt, coming out of the dark, and of course, coming out of the closet.

Jillian Abby shares her story in such a relatable and humorous way that reading it feels like sitting down with a good friend for a cup of coffee and having a heart-felt conversation about what it means to be human.

[Makayla · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is truly a wonderful read! The author shares her story in a very honest and raw way that is somehow also very approachable and relatable. Each chapter is extremely engaging, witty, emotional, and empowering. There’s a lesson to be learned from this book for anyone who reads it. Highly recommend!

[Sara Basha · Rating 5 out of 5]

As the book title suggests, the author takes us through her experience of coming out and finding herself.

I recommend it to any person, whether queer or not, because almost everyone of us has a part of themselves they can't fully come to terms with.

I found her willingness to share her story and the bravery it took to leave her stable life behind super inspiring.