The Reluctant Carer: Dispatches from the Edge of Life

by The Reluctant Carer

It was the kind of phone call we all dread. Your elderly father has been admitted to hospital. Your even older mum is now at home alone. The answer? Simple. Drop everything, go back and help. The reality? Not so straightforward. Suddenly, you’re a kid again, stranded in the overheated house you grew up in. Soon they need you 24/7. And you want to help, of course you do. But now your own life starts to unravel almost as quickly as their health. And then there is nowhere else to go.

In between bouts of washing, feeding, cooking and fighting there are times that test you, days where everything goes wrong and moments when everyone, miraculously rises to the occasion. And amidst all of that, this strange second childhood offers up a shot at redemption - if you can just stop everyone from falling down.

Irresistibly funny, unflinching and deeply moving, this is a love letter to family and friends, to carers and to anyone who has ever packed a small bag intent on staying for just a few days. This is a true story of what it really means to be a carer, and of the ties that bind even tighter when you least expect it. This is The Reluctant Carer.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Self Help, Audiobook

320 pages, Hardcover

Published June 23, 2022

Reviews

[ReadAlongWithSue recovering from a stroke★⋆. ࿐࿔ · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just absolutely adored this!

Maybe it’s because I too landed into a Carers role with my husband over 40 years now. Then my daughter. Being disabled myself it’s very hard at times and like this honest book that has been written I can relate to so many things, good, bad and the ugly.

We are told that being a Carer is rewarding. Yes! It is. Because you are supporting someone you love/care about that otherwise would struggle and maybe fall down the ‘rabbits hole’ because our system is just all messed up, changed, lack of care in the Community along with other things I could get on my soap box about.

So yes, it’s rewarding and satisfying.

However….
There are many times when you’re warn out, stressed, fed up of fighting the corner for your Caree to be heard. That’s where we then need to look at an LPA (legal power of attorney). To impact more on those that won’t listen when YOU are the one that knows this person more than the STRANGER medic who whips in and out again.

Times when it’s repeating one day after another.

Trying to find time for yourself plus, a carer could feel isolated due to their life being so full on they are too tired to invest in anything else. Free time (if any) means flopping in a chair or bed! Takes less effort lol

Screaming pitch times. Running around after grocery shopping, prescriptions from the pharmacy, doctors appointments, hospital appointments, dentist, eye tests…
And going out for a drive.

But yes, all in all it’s worth it. So worth it.
See that smile on someone’s face. Get a thank you.
Being told you’re loved and what would they do without you, you’re perfect(oh no I’m not haha)


Would I change it? Could you get a private worker to replace you?

I wouldn’t.

This book was hilarious in a lot of parts and touched honestly on many parts.

You don’t have to personally be a Carer to read this, but if you know someone who is…..
This will help you understand and help the helper.

[Ken · Rating 4 out of 5]

In a way, this was exactly the type of read that I was expecting.
A middle-aged man recounting the daily struggles of being a full-time carer for his elderly parents.

What makes this such an insightful story is the manner in which he tells the daily struggles in a truthful touching and eye opening account with a slice of gallows humour.

By no means exceptional, I would still recommend it as it feels like more of us will be thrust into this unexpected groundhog day like lifestyle due to underfunding in elderly care.

[Fern Adams · Rating 4 out of 5]

A raw, honest and unflinching account of what it is like to be an unpaid carer to an elderly family member. This is a book many people will relate to and with the increasing collapse of the formal health and social care sectors in the U.K. this number will only increase. I think the author did a really good job of showing the realities and personal feelings along with this as well as highlighting how isolating and demanding a role it can be. The sort of book you want people with decision making powers to read and no doubt a book of solace for those who are also unpaid carers and will see their experiences reflected here in a role that is so often overlooked and not talked about.

[Marianne Conboy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every adult child who has had the privilege and heartache of caring for their elderly parents needs to read this. To realise the universality of the personal and individual experience is very reassuring. A beautiful, painful, honest and funny book.

[Lisa - OwlBeSatReading 🦉📚 · Rating 5 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Reluctant Carer by Unknown Author is the funniest and most touching nonfiction book I’ve read in a long while. I am not an emotional reader by any stretch of the road but this account of one man’s life caring for his elderly parents (mainly his father) sent me on thought spirals I did not expect.

Having now lost both of my parents, I felt a comforting connection with the author as we are of similar age and sibling setup. I also experienced an unexpected sense of loss which threw me somewhat, but the humour and nostalgia evened it out just nicely. This is a real-life story with heart, it has clout (and a nasty case of gout!) and a clarity that would make even the hardest types stop and think.

The doom and gloom of old age (and middle age, for that matter!) was balanced by a biting humour that had me laughing like a drain and rereading paragraphs that were too good to read just the once.

‘Tonight's issue is an old one. They get the wrong local news and weather. Some quirk of transmission or geography means that certain bulletins emanate from a town they do not recognize. The news anchor (Who's he?') sits by a photo of a bridge we have never crossed ('Where's this?'). It's as if they have been physically transported to some unwanted and reviled dimension’.

This is a warts and all book about being old, being a pain, being IN pain, loosing the plot, finding the plot, living in hope, having hopes dashed, and essentially realising that we’re all here marching (or shuffling, huffing and puffing) towards the same destiny.

The Reluctant Carer is a beautifully written, desperately needed shout-out to all those long-suffering [unpaid] carers who keep everything together out of love, out of duty, and probably out of guilt.

‘A truly wise person once told me that people don’t change, they just become more of who they are’.

Thank you so much to the author for sending me his remarkable and unforgettable book.

[Mariah Dawn · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Get through today without bursting into tears or punching anyone in the face. It is a time of miracles, and so it comes to pass.”

Listen. I need you to read this book. Even though his experience is different from my own, it is also the same. It is the human experience. All our selfishness comes bubbling up to the surface. Our childhoods sneak up on us. Intrusive thoughts humble the most dedicated saints. You develop a sense of humor that’s rather dark and morbid. You find yourself in therapy—maybe for the first time in your life. There is shame and guilt and also beauty—yet also a lot of talk about wounds and constipation and death.

I laughed. I cried—a lot. I am grateful to have stumbled upon this book. He put words to what I’ve been experiencing—to what we will all experience as our parent’s age in some capacity—and echoed many of the thoughts that have crossed my mind as I wander through hospitals and navigate this season of life.

I am almost tempted to turn right around and read it again.

Highly recommend.

[Jane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely loved this book.

[Z Thompson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brutally honest account of caring for elderly parents but uplifting.

[Jenny Douglas · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you care for an older relative, this is a must! None of us are alone with our troubles!

[Sarah M · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting!

[Marianne Rivett · Rating 3 out of 5]

A difficult read due to the subject matter. Heartbreaking.

The more I reflect on this I think I was over generous on my original review. It’s more of a 3 - 3.5. I found it meandered and waffled at the end. Wouldn’t recommend it.

[Hilay Hopkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

As an older career of an even older father, I can safely say that The Reluctant Carer reflects my experience of this difficult and largely thankless task. I found the narrative wandered a bit towards the very end of the book but this did not distract from the way RC describes how we loose ourselves in the mission to care. Thank you RC.

[Pauline Knox · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an open, honest and frank illustration of life as an unpaid (sometimes called an informal carers).
This would be a good book for all of us to read to gather a better understanding of what it means to become a carer for someone that you have already had a loving relationship with. The duality of caring about someone and also having to care for them can be incredibly challenging and a real emotional rollercoaster. It would be good for more people to have some awareness of what that’s like, and this book captures some of those things really well.
My thanks to NetGalley, the publisher and the author for allowing me to read this book in return for an honest review

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I took a while to get into this one, but it's a worthwhile read. An autobiographical account of a son who becomes a carer for his elderly parents. The wide range of emotional experiences (of the whole household) were well captured. The story was told with humour without downplaying the challenges, tediousness, and grief experienced.

[janine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was one hell of an emotional, difficult read highlighting the honest, raw truth of what it's like to be an unpaid carer to an elderly relative.

Now whilst the subject matter will resonate with a mass of people out there and needs to be spoken about and addressed more publicly I'll admit I did end up skim reading alot of it as it just seemed to drone on alot of the time,.

I felt some confusion throughout the whole book. Was it a woman writer writing as a man? Why wasn't the author identified?

I have real empathy and admiration for those caregivers that have to live through this every single day, it's not something that in all honesty I'm sure I could do and the fact that these caregivers are part of our hidden society makes my heart hurt.

One thing that shocked me but due to personal (through family) experience shouldn't have is the amount of anger that also comes as part of the package of being a carer.

It's definitely opened my eyes to a world that I knew little about or had even really thought about and has given me a better understanding of what may lie ahead one day.

2.5 rounded to 3

Thanks to netgalley and Pan Macmillan for the ARC.

[Patricia · Rating 3 out of 5]

At first, as a carer myself, I thought this was a fantastic book that all carers should read. Well written and funny with heartbreaking bits we all experience. I began to wonder why the author hadn´t been identified. There seemed to be some polemic that a woman had actually written it pretending to be a man. This confusion made a difference to my engagement. I´d been wondering why a man whose brother drove didn´t drive himself? This was never explained. All of a sudden it seemed any questions and interest I´d had was a waste of my time and imagination. I stopped reading it at about 70%. I´ve given it 3 stars as it´s well written on a subject more people should think about and plan for - if the author had written it as fiction I´d be happy and it would still be a great book. but although autobiographical memoir can be given some licence and lattitude- this seemed a step too far for me. Of course, perhaps the polemic could be 100% wrong. Social media often is. In which case I apologise for the review. I´m still not keen to finish the book however, as it made me depressed.

[Fiona · Rating 5 out of 5]

A brilliant book that I would recommend to any middle aged person who has elderly parents. Infact, I would recommend it to any middle aged person. It captures the humour and heartbreak of witnessing your parents getting old and gives you a glimpse into what it is really like to be old. It is written with humour and candor and I can so relate. I have noticed a couple of comments about the book 'meandering a bit towards the end' but far from being a detraction from the book is reflects exactly how it is, the end of life is a lot of meandering interspersed with wild bursts of dramatic! I can find nothing I would change. I loved it.

[Lynda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sad that this is probably how life will be for many families in this age - 2023- when Health & Social Care has become a very poor relation of the struggling NHS.
Written showing in a brutally honest way how adult children become carers of their parents & how impossibly difficult this can be…….
Hospital & Dr appointments, lack of suitability in most homes for the infirm parent, memory issues, dietary issues, lack of social involvement as the parents’ friends are no longer alive….and lack of privacy or any life at all away from the parent’s home where now the adult child may have returned to live as their carer…..
Sad…

[Sylvia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have every empathy for the author. I am a professional Caregiver and that means I can build a relationship with the person I work with, I can want the best for them, enjoy the time I spend with them but ultimately I go home at the end of the day. I have all the patience in the world for those people who need my support but that is because I haven't got the emotional attachment a child has - this book is interesting from that perspective - I have every admiration for every person who cares for a loved one.

[Georgina Bishop · Rating 5 out of 5]

Profound but funny

Essential reading for anyone who cares for another person, whether that person is elderly or not. So much is recognisable and understandable and relatable to my own caring journey of elderly parents, sick spouse and child with additional needs. Makes you feel less alone. Makes you feel like all those thoughts you have which seem ignoble or lead to guilt and shame, are actually normal for any human being placed in the position of long term caring. Having said that, so very funny in parts that I was actually laughing out loud. Wonderful.

[Elisabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was full of these sad life funny moments that made me burst out laughing. A real insight into the author's life when everything turns to pot and he finds himself looking after his two elderly parents, through more and more difficult circumstances, trying to give his parents the care anyone would expect, whilst battling with strong wills, poor memory, hearing, and reluctance to meet new people and accept any external care help.

[Julie Hudson · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a touching autobiography of a man facing his own mental unravelling suddenly summoned to care for his elderly parents.

It is stark and mundane, tragic and humorous. Having had my elderly mother to live with us while she recovered from a fall some of the details completely resonated ... the endless tissues, stabbing at an IPad to order yet another unnecessary item from Amazon, the forgetfulness and the obsession with keeping to a plan.

You feel his love and frustration and subsequent guilt of those competing emotions. I found it reassuring, warm and honest. Definitely one to recommend to customers.

[Vicky · Rating 1 out of 5]

Sorry but the blurb on this was hugely misleading. Didn't finish it as it was just maudlin, self indulgent ramblings which I could neither empathise with or be interested in. I appreciate that it is difficult to take on the care of elderly parents reluctantly, but I don't need to hear how awful he found it, or the day by day happenings (or more accurately none happenings); this book gave me nothing.

[Onnica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gallows humour in spades; the whole gamut of emotions that come with dealing with ageing parents; and what you’re left with when logic leaves the building.
I enjoyed and identified with this memoir - even though I’m at the beginning of the whole terrifying process. I think everyone with loved ones should read this.

[Geetha Chandran · Rating 3 out of 5]

i finished this book on my dads 91 birthday. mum had made some famtastic curries and 4 generations were gathered. in the back of my mind was this book , what lies ahead and what will be expected of us?
this is a real story, it helped me prepare for what may lie ahead and the kind of daughter id like to be , so thankyou. also relatable , laughable, eye opening and at times frightening !

[Emma Hardy · Rating 2 out of 5]

My mum is going through a caring struggle currently so I read this in the hope that I could recommend to her to help her feel less alone. Sadly, I dont think this book would help. Felt to me like one long repetitive moanfest and more an opportunity for catharsis for the author rather than supporting the wider caring network. I wont be recommending this to mum.

[Lesley Stewart · Rating 5 out of 5]

This felt like a very important book. Im so glad i read it. The author admits so many things i have never been able to tell people about how it feels to care for elderly parents. It felt like a hug. Very comforting to know that other people feel this way. Also very funny it parts. A definite must read for anyone in a care giving role.

[Helen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I could relate to a lot of this, being a part-time carer for my 89-year old mother. Was reassuring to read that others have had the same frustrations and stress as me. Was also funny and uplifting in parts. It ends rather abruptly. I'd have liked at least a little postscript to say what had happened in the two years since the end of the book and (spoiler alert) the death of the author's father.

[Jan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This anonymous diary of caring for elderly parents was a very worthwhile read. The English author moves to his childhood home to support his folks 24/7. It is an excellent portrayal of the ups and downs of being a carer, poignant and funny and educational all at once. Recommended.

[Ashleigh · Rating 3 out of 5]

Poignant. Insightful. Never considered that caring would be full of so much anger, yet I feel better prepared for it knowing it now.