Trust: Knowing When to Give It, When to Withhold It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It When It Gets Broken

by Henry Cloud

New York Times  bestselling author, psychologist, and leadership expert Henry Cloud equips us to understand and manage trust for successful relationships through five foundational aspects. Trust is the fuel for all of life. We are wired biologically, neurologically, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically to trust. Trust is the currency that drives every relationship, beginning with the foundational bond between infants and their mothers, extending to the trust networks that undergird every human endeavor – art, science, commerce – and binding together every relationship we have ever had or ever will have. Nothing in our world works without trust. It is tempting to think that trust is simple, that we should be able to spot a lack of trustworthiness relatively easily. But we all have our stories about misplaced trust. We either missed clear or subtle warning signs or there just were not any warning signs to see. Everything looked good on the surface, and maybe it was. But we got burned anyway. And sometimes we struggle to earn and keep the trust of those around us when trust bonds fail to form or are broken. When trust breaks down, so does our ability to move forward. Dr. Cloud explores the five foundational aspects of trust that must be present for any relationship to function successfully and helps us to understand how to implement them. He also guides us through the difficult process of repairing trust when it has been violated and broken, even when restoring trust feels impossible. Rich with wisdom drawn from decades of experience in clinical practice, business consulting and research, Trust is the ultimate resource for managing this most complex and fundamental of human bonds, allowing us to experience more fruitful and rewarding relationships in every area of our lives.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Leadership, Relationships, Christian, Business

304 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2023

About the author

Dr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.

As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.

Reviews

[Cover Lover Book Review · Rating 4 out of 5]

Trust opens with a compelling boardroom crisis meeting scene. Now, I am someone who falls asleep (or wants to run) at the mere mention of any kind of financial business dealings or corporate conflicts, etc. (sorry, it’s just how my mind works) but I was bound by this narrative. The author successfully uses an example of how two board members began to gain back the trust they lost in one another to communicate the purpose of this book.

Trust is central in every aspect of our lives, especially our relationships. The author explains what it is, how it works, how to mend things when it is damaged.

With a wonderful conversational tone, this book not only gave me a broader understanding of trust and its importance, but it also helped me discover a lot about myself.

A highly insightful, inspiring, and motivational book.

First Lines: The morning was tense. I was accustomed to tense situations in my line of work, but I was not prepared for what happened next.
Genre: Christian Self-Help
Author: Dr. Henry Cloud
Page Count: 304

#CoverLoverBookReview received a complimentary copy of this book. Opinions are 100% mine.

[Ben Kaminski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend for any stage of life. Odds are someone at some point will break your trust. How are you going to handle it? Read this book to be equipped beforehand to know who to trust, when to trust and how to repair trust when it’s broken. Or if you have had trust broken at all in your life, read this to see practical ways of rebuilding trust, if it’s possible. Trust is a cornerstone in relationships.

[Genevieve · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was an insightful and thought-provoking read. Trust is key to a healthy life. But it is also multi-faceted and there are many more reasons not to trust someone than just whether they tell the truth or not. Lots to think and something to consider reading through multiple times throughout life!

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book that everyone should read--a sort of manual to a healthy understanding of trust-- because trust is the foundation to all healthy relationships. Dr. Cloud takes an abstract, complex idea (trust) and puts it into logical, easily understandable terms. He first defines trust, describing what it is and what it isn't, then he describes how it is foundational to all relationships from business to personal to organizational providing real life examples and helpful analogies along the way. From there Dr. Cloud explains how to assess if a person/ company/ church is trustworthy. The last part of the book deals with injuries to trust: how trust can become broken, how to repair broken trust, and how to know when to trust after a breach.
As humans, we will all encounter untrustworthy people, we will all experience broken trust, and we will inevitably hurt someone. This book offers wisdom for addressing these encounters in the healthiest way possible.

[Kenzie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dr. Henry Cloud always writes thought-provoking, useful guides to becoming your best self while creating healthy relationships, both romantic and platonic. As someone with PTSD which stems from an abusive relationship, I knew "Trust" was a must read.

This book takes you on a deep dive into the psychology of Trust. Well written and honest, with real-life examples, Dr. Cloud helps readers navigate the hurdles that may be preventing them from allowing connections with others from reaching their full potential.

[Kristen Duffey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Clearly communicated. Practical. Thought provoking. Dr. Cloud has done it again!

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent read. I’m buying this for my own library and to give away to others - so many amazing insights and truths that have really helped me.

[Karly Jo (Christian Booktuber) · Rating 5 out of 5]

5⭐️ so much great info in here!! biblical truths as a base backed with scientific studies of how to improve your life by how and when you give trust to others. i’d say this is required reading if your trust was broken, if you’re in a relationship, if you are a leader in the workplace, or want to grow and be a better person both for yourself and to others. took me a long time to read this but so much great info here!! highly recommend 👏🏼

[Charlene · Rating 5 out of 5]

FIVE STARS ⭐️ ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I knew this was going to be a five star read, as I read the author’s book on BOUNDARIES. This one on TRUST is beyond encouraging, so much so I had to purchase the book, midway through the audiobook. This is one I’ll be referring to for a very long time.

REQUIRED READING FOR SUCCESS IN TRUSTING PEOPLE

[Brennen Schmitt · Rating 4 out of 5]

this book is fantastic in helping develop a framework for trust. it gets a little drawn out but man, it was helpful in giving language to what we’ve all experience every day in trusting others.

[Landon Coleman · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book presents a helpful, workable framework for understanding trust, establishing trust, and repairing broken trust. The examples from business and counseling situations are lengthy and can be skimmed over or skipped entirely to get to the heart of the book. I wish there were a booklet version without the examples and stories because the framework is helpful.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m always struck with how well Dr. Henry Cloud communicates on a topic - this book was specifically on the topic of Trust, and it’s one that has implications for every person as it’s foundational to life. This book is well organized and factual with the right balance of real world stories to complement the science. It kept me engaged from beginning to end and I learned so much.

The book opens with defining what trust is and what it isn’t. It then moves through the five key areas of trust: understanding, motive, ability, character, and track record. It then walks through how to respond when trust is broken. His approach is very open and does not feel patronizing— which is nice as I think all people can identify or think of a time they let someone down. This section was helpful in recognizing that rebuilding is possible. As someone who has been betrayed, Dr Cloud points out that you can absolutely choose not to reengage and be completely justified in doing so. The whole section was very well done. Finally, the book covers how to spot and recognize untrustworthy people before they are able to break trust with you.

I really appreciated the insights Dr. Henry Cloud shares in this book, and absolutely recommend it to anyone working on self development, leadership team building, marriage, a complement to work in therapy, (or just being human).

A special thanks to Worthy Publishing and NetGalley for the ARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[Princess Matthew · Rating 5 out of 5]

For the past two years I have read at least one Dr. Cloud or Dr. Townsend book! && this one did not disappoint!!!

This book has left an indelible impression on me! Thankful for Dr.Cloud. Thankful I get to glean their wisdom via their easily digestible books! In my opinion this book leaves no stone unturned in the discussion of trust!

I am in love with his incorporation of scripture…. It shows me how sufficient and all encompassing God’s word is for his children!!! At the end he leaves the reader with Psalm 101 as a kind of parting gift— loved that.

I’d also recommend reading this alongside the audiobook- as he speaks it feels like you’re being gently guided through the principles!!

There is no one I wouldn’t recommend read this. I will continuously come back and remind myself of the things I have read.

What more can I ask for in a book?!!

5STARS! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

[Jodie Pine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book with applications for life and work: how to be a trustworthy person, how to identify trustworthiness in others, how to repair trust when it's broken, and how to know when to trust again.

One of the most helpful chapters for me was on evidence of real change:
1. Admission of need
2. Verifiable involvement in a proven change process
3. A structured approach
4. Skilled help
5. New experience and skills
6. Self-sustaining motivation
7. The presence of support
8. Some evidence of change
9. Monitoring systems
10. If applicable, total transparency
11. Willingness to be questioned

[Analie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pros: I liked how Dr. Cloud explained the different components of trust and gave thought-provoking questions to consider. It was also easy to read. Cons: Many of the examples related to business decisions, and his black and white approach didn't adequately capture how complicated personal relationships can feel.

[Gijs Limonard · Rating 3 out of 5]

2,5 stars; some useful pointers and musings on trust; the subject could've been fleshed out more; the author's personal religious convictions shine through the text and copious bible references do take away from the overall message.

[Shannon Eaton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful in the 5 attributes of trust in a specific relationship, whether personal, business, or community. How to think through and work through misplaced and broken trust. Am I the one who is the broken cog because of my childhood experiences that is causing the mistrust that is occurring? Well written and through a biblical lens.

[Lena Loves Books · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must Read for All Humans!!

Trust is something we all need help developing maintaining and repairing. This books walks thought the process in an easy comprehensive way. It includes great professional and personal experiences that every reader can relate to.

[Colt Foerch · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good breakdown of common trust issues and how people operate. Comes to root issues of why there are breakdowns in relationships. Worth at least a one time run through to help mend personal struggles with trust in others (a tough problem in the church = relationships)

[Matt McElreath · Rating 5 out of 5]

A helpful read for any relationship. Understanding and applying the foundations of trust will strengthen our meaningful relationships and guard us from the ones that would be harmful to maintain or pursue.

[Synthia Salomon · Rating 4 out of 5]

five ingredients for trust: understanding, motive, ability, character, and track record.

[Sam Luce · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly helpful and insightful.

[Ted Clouser · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really impressed me. It helped me understand why people have trust issues and the best way to assess someone for trustworthiness.

[Christiana Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This taught me so many things about trust that I didn’t know would be so helpful to everyday relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or professional. Recommend highly.

[Justin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cloud is not a good writer (sometimes annoyingly so), but the concepts are really good and really helpful.

[Anne-Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Advice and guidance on trust in the workplace and in personal relationships - very good.

[Abigail Clapham · Rating 5 out of 5]

*do not trust my ratings, any book that has helped me in any way receives an immediate 5 star rating*

[Duhamel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some hard but necessary truths to face. Offers a solid baseline on what to look for moving forward to either rebuild trust or forego it altogether.

[Elizabeth Selman · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel like this book is geared more towards businesses, but obviously has some great personal application as well.

[Jung · Rating 1 out of 5]

** Trust nobody, not even yourself **

Learn the art of forging trust.

The Russian playwright Anton Chekov once said, “You must trust and believe in people, or life becomes impossible.” Trust is the foundation of nearly all our social relationships. Our businesses, governments, and justice systems run on trust; as do our families, friendships, and love lives. 

But who should you trust? How can you get people to trust you? And how, for that matter, can you make yourself worthy of trust? 

In this book, you’ll learn about the five key elements needed for trust to flourish, whether that’s in your private or your public life. You’ll also learn how , when trust has been weakened, you can rebuild it and learn to trust again.

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Trust holds life together

Trust is the bedrock of our lives. From the moment we’re born, we’re placed in the hands of caregivers we can’t help but trust completely. As we grow, our circle of trust expands to family, friends, and communities.

Studies show that people with higher levels of trust enjoy better physical health, greater overall happiness, and greater satisfaction with life. In business, trusted leaders are more effective and trusted brands are more successful and lucrative. Teams whose members trust each other consistently outperform their low-trust counterparts across a slew of metrics.

Even at the level of nations, interpersonal trust contributes to economic development, through increased investment and capital flows.

Okay, so we’ve established that trust is important on many levels. Let’s look at the five steps to building it.

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Take baby steps toward trust

Picture this. A thief is cornered by police during a failed bank robbery. Panicked, he grabs a nearby child as a human shield to secure his escape. Police surround the bank and call in a hostage negotiator to resolve the situation.

Now imagine that hostage negotiator is you. You’re holding your phone and the hostage-taker is on the other end of the line. The stakes could hardly be higher.

What do you do? Do you convince the hostage-taker of the danger he faces, appealing to his sense of self-preservation? Or do you appeal to his conscience and ask for compassion for the child?

As it happens, the first step would be neither of these things. The first step is simply listening.

What’s your name? Can you tell me what happened? How are you feeling right now?

Hostage negotiators know that for someone to trust you enough to engage, they first need to feel that you see them; that you recognize who they are on some level. This is a bit counterintuitive. After all, a child’s life is in danger – and you’re supposed to focus on making the person responsible feel heard? And yet that’s where hostage negotiations typically begin.

Let’s see why this is the case. Professionals know that empathy and active listening are key skills in this kind of high-stakes situation. That’s because the first ingredient of trust is understanding. Your first job when building trust isn’t to persuade anyone, it’s to do your best to know them and empathize with them.

It’s baked into our psychology. When we feel recognized, something inside us softens. Feeling that we’ve been heard and understood is a prerequisite for us to start listening, in turn. 

Conversely, if someone is too focused on themselves and their goals to even see what matters to us, an essential and viscerally-felt sense of trust is missing.

This applies to businesses and organizations as much as to individuals. Before you can sell something to customers, you first need to understand them – what their lives are like, what problems they have, and how they experience your product or service. Successful companies immerse themselves in the perspective of their customers, before giving them a hard sell. 

After understanding, the second ingredient for trust is motive. Here, motive means keeping the other party’s best interests in mind; so, not just knowing about their perspective, but actually caring about their interests.

When we encounter someone new, it’s natural for us to wonder, What are their goals in this interaction? Are they considering my well-being, too? Sure, people can have their own self-interest and stick up for that, as well. But if we’re confident that someone is also keeping our best interests in mind – that they care about what happens to us – we can feel safe and lower our defenses.

So understanding and motive are our first two ingredients for building trust. Let’s look at the rest.

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There are three more ingredients for trust

Let’s say you’re founding a startup. Searching for cofounders, you consider a dear friend you’ve known since childhood. Nobody understands you better than they do. You’ve been through it all together and they’ve always had your back.

So, as a friend, you trust them completely – but does that mean you trust them to go on this journey with you? Not necessarily.

The third ingredient of trust is ability. This is hardly a mystery. If you’re going to entrust someone with something important, it’s not enough that their heart is in the right place. You need to know they have the competence and ability to safeguard it – to get the job done, in this case.

Sometimes this is just about skills. If your best friend is a reclusive Luddite who’s never touched a computer and never had a bank account, they may not be the best choice of cofounder in your financial technology business.

On the other hand, skills aren’t everything. They also need to have the right personal traits and temperament. So the fourth ingredient of trust is character.

Your cofounder might have all the skills in the world, but if they lack crucial character traits like self-control or perseverance, you’ll have a hard time feeling safe running a business with them. It all depends on context. In order for you to trust a potential spouse, they may need other traits like flexibility or emotional intelligence.

The fifth trust factor isn’t rocket science – but you’d be surprised how often it’s neglected. This last ingredient for trust is track record. If you want to know how someone will behave in the future, their past behavior isn’t a bad place to look. Our experience shows us what we can expect – and those expectations live, not just in our heads, but deep in our bones.

Picture the house you grew up in; picture the layout. Think, for example, about the way the front door connected to the hallway, the hallway to the living room, and beyond that the kitchen. Barring major renovations, that layout was probably something that you could rely on implicitly. It’s something so consistent, so stable, you never need to give it thought. This is the powerful kind of certainty that a person with a solid track record can give you.

That’s not to say people can’t change – they can. But to really trust that change has occurred, a person needs to demonstrate it with their actions. That is, they need to start building a new track record.

Alright, those are the five ingredients for trust: understanding, motive, ability, character, and track record. If you want to show that you’re trustworthy, make sure the other party can check off all five. And the next time you’re recruiting job candidates or just going on a date, you know what to look for.

But of course, nothing’s certain in life. People make mistakes. So what if the worst happens and somebody close to you betrays your trust? Let’s look at how to move forward.

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Rebuilding trust that’s been broken

As business magnate Warren Buffet said, “It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it.”

We’ve seen how involved it is to build trusting relationships. And yet even more challenging is rebuilding trust once it’s been broken. Think about a spouse caught having an affair. This is trust-building in hard mode.

Success isn’t guaranteed, but it is possible. Let’s finish this book by looking at the six steps to repairing trust once it’s been broken.

Let’s say you’re the one who has been betrayed. Before dealing with the other person, your first step is to start to heal. Betrayal can be deeply upsetting; it can undermine your whole sense of security and normality. Healing takes time and it can’t be rushed. So seek out friends you do still trust and ask for their support. Let them into your life and share your pain and vulnerability with them.

The second step is a hard one. It’s moving toward forgiveness. But remember, forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing someone’s behavior. In fact, without the recognition of a wrong, there can be no forgiveness.

Forgiveness can feel unfair. But remember, you don’t grant forgiveness because somebody deserves it. Forgiveness is a gift – a gift that you choose to give to someone who’s wronged you. It’s an act of grace from you to them. And yet forgiveness is also one of the best gifts you can give to yourself. It allows you to get the closure that you need to move on – to clear out the cobwebs and move forward with your life.

The third step to repairing trust is to consider what you actually want. What do you hope for, going forward? You may decide that the best choice for you is to simply part ways with the person who hurt you. That’s completely legitimate. But if you want to try and patch things up, you’re onto the next and fourth step.

That step is to see if reconciliation is possible. What exactly does that mean? Reconciliation is returning a relationship to good standing in some sense. And it’s only possible, both, when you forgive and when the other party takes genuine responsibility for their behavior. They’re not making excuses or denying the harm they caused. Instead, they’re repentant and remorseful for their actions. And critically, they cease any deception and “come clean” to you.

The next step toward trust is something you know about already. It’s assessing the five ingredients of trust we discussed earlier. Remember, those are: understanding, motive, ability, character, and track record. Now that the person has come clean, it’s important you keep evaluating them according to the five factors to make sure that your trust is warranted.

Finally, the last step in rebuilding trust is looking for evidence of genuine transformation. It’s not enough to know that a cheating spouse isn’t currently cheating again. You need to know it won’t happen ever again. So are they charting a course for change? Are they demonstrating transformation, day by day? You need to know that they have either become, or are in the process of becoming, the kind of person who wouldn’t repeat what they did. Remember that while forgiveness is a gift, trust must be earned.

Relationships can heal from even deep betrayals. If both sides really put in the work of repairing trust, a damaged relationship can end up even stronger than before.

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Trust is the glue that holds your personal, family, and business relationships together. It’s essential you know how to cultivate it. Trust has five essential ingredients: understanding, motive, ability, character, and track record. When trust has been broken, follow the six steps outlined in this book to find out if your trust can and should be repaired.