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This Is Me Trying
Perfect for fans of Nina LaCour, This is Me Trying is a profound and tender YA contemporary novel exploring grief, love, and guilt from author Racquel Marie.
Growing up, Bryce, Beatriz, and Santiago were inseparable. But when Santiago moved away before high school, their friendship crumbled. Three years later, Bryce is gone, Beatriz is known as the dead boy’s girlfriend, and Santiago is back.
The last thing Beatriz wants is to reunite with Santiago, who left all her messages unanswered while she drowned alone in grief over Bryce’s death by suicide. Even if she wasn’t angry, Santiago’s attempts to make amends are jeopardizing her plan to keep the world at arm’s length―equal parts protection and punishment―and she swore to never let anyone try that again.
Santiago is surprised to find the once happy-go-lucky Bea is now the gothic town loner, though he’s unsurprised she wants nothing to do with him. But he can’t fix what he broke between them while still hiding what led him to cut her off in the first place, and it’s harder to run from his past when he isn’t states away anymore.
Inevitably drawn back together by circumstance and history, Beatriz and Santiago navigate grief, love, mental illness, forgiveness, and what it means to try to build a future after unfathomable loss.
Growing up, Bryce, Beatriz, and Santiago were inseparable. But when Santiago moved away before high school, their friendship crumbled. Three years later, Bryce is gone, Beatriz is known as the dead boy’s girlfriend, and Santiago is back.
The last thing Beatriz wants is to reunite with Santiago, who left all her messages unanswered while she drowned alone in grief over Bryce’s death by suicide. Even if she wasn’t angry, Santiago’s attempts to make amends are jeopardizing her plan to keep the world at arm’s length―equal parts protection and punishment―and she swore to never let anyone try that again.
Santiago is surprised to find the once happy-go-lucky Bea is now the gothic town loner, though he’s unsurprised she wants nothing to do with him. But he can’t fix what he broke between them while still hiding what led him to cut her off in the first place, and it’s harder to run from his past when he isn’t states away anymore.
Inevitably drawn back together by circumstance and history, Beatriz and Santiago navigate grief, love, mental illness, forgiveness, and what it means to try to build a future after unfathomable loss.
370 pages, Unknown Binding
First published April 16, 2024
41 people are currently reading
5564 people want to read
About the author
Racquel Marie
6 books811 followersRacquel Marie grew up in Southern California where her passion for storytelling of all kinds was encouraged by her friends and big family. She received a BA in English with an emphasis in creative writing and a minor in gender and sexuality studies from the University of California, Irvine.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 214 reviews
November 29, 2024
The Taylor Swift title…I’m scared
May 26, 2024
It's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound
It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you
You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town
And I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
Lyrics by Taylor Swift
Grief. Hurt. Guilt. We all deal with it differently. We’re all trying. To cope. To stop the pain. To go on. But what do you do when your boyfriend commits suicide? Or your former best friend?
Bryce, smiling, laughing, joking. A boy who was never allowed to be sad, which didn’t make his sadness disappear—it just made it invisible.
Bea lashes out in anger, is a bitch, and pushes away her real self. She has literally stripped herself of beauty, shaved off her hair, and then covered herself up with thick placards of make-up and donned a black uniform. All to protect herself and not let others in, isolating herself from everyone and everything, not making room for the pain others have too.
Santi’s grief is less palpable. A boy who thinks he can grow without water or sunshine, his heartache is a quiet one, with hardly any visible wrinkles. His grief is buried away in a bottomless sea until the water begins to ripple on the surface. A boy who wants to love and to be loved, so alone at times, and lost the one person in the world he loved the most, his best friend.
So, this story is about Santi and Bea trying. Both hurting so much and at the same time trying to cope with their mental health issues—Bea having panic attacks no one knows about, Santi having OCD no one knows about either.
It took me some chapters to feel this story. But maybe this was me trying to keep my emotions at bay because I knew beforehand this story would hurt tremendously. So I read on and on until the lumps in my throat suddenly arrived, and a tear slipped from my eyes. My chest contracted, and my stomach tumbled upside down. In just one second, this book hit me and left a crater in my heart.
This is Me Trying is not only sad and devastating. It’s hopeful, too. Two teens trying to give way to their grief, trying to let go of the guilt, trying to figure out their feelings for each other, and finding the key to that place where they start living again.
Racquel Marie crafted a beautiful story of love, loss, and hope, and I urge you to read this book!
Thank you so much for the ARC, Macmillan Children’s Publishing Group and NetGalley. It was an honor to be able to read this one early!
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It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you
You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town
And I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
Lyrics by Taylor Swift
Grief. Hurt. Guilt. We all deal with it differently. We’re all trying. To cope. To stop the pain. To go on. But what do you do when your boyfriend commits suicide? Or your former best friend?
Bryce, smiling, laughing, joking. A boy who was never allowed to be sad, which didn’t make his sadness disappear—it just made it invisible.
Bea lashes out in anger, is a bitch, and pushes away her real self. She has literally stripped herself of beauty, shaved off her hair, and then covered herself up with thick placards of make-up and donned a black uniform. All to protect herself and not let others in, isolating herself from everyone and everything, not making room for the pain others have too.
Santi’s grief is less palpable. A boy who thinks he can grow without water or sunshine, his heartache is a quiet one, with hardly any visible wrinkles. His grief is buried away in a bottomless sea until the water begins to ripple on the surface. A boy who wants to love and to be loved, so alone at times, and lost the one person in the world he loved the most, his best friend.
So, this story is about Santi and Bea trying. Both hurting so much and at the same time trying to cope with their mental health issues—Bea having panic attacks no one knows about, Santi having OCD no one knows about either.
It took me some chapters to feel this story. But maybe this was me trying to keep my emotions at bay because I knew beforehand this story would hurt tremendously. So I read on and on until the lumps in my throat suddenly arrived, and a tear slipped from my eyes. My chest contracted, and my stomach tumbled upside down. In just one second, this book hit me and left a crater in my heart.
This is Me Trying is not only sad and devastating. It’s hopeful, too. Two teens trying to give way to their grief, trying to let go of the guilt, trying to figure out their feelings for each other, and finding the key to that place where they start living again.
Racquel Marie crafted a beautiful story of love, loss, and hope, and I urge you to read this book!
Thank you so much for the ARC, Macmillan Children’s Publishing Group and NetGalley. It was an honor to be able to read this one early!
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September 26, 2023
dropping my author's note that'll be printed at the beginning of the book here:
This book largely follows the aftermath of a teenage boy’s death by suicide. The method is never disclosed. These characters also deal with obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, grief, and morbid ideation. I have tried my best to write about each of these subjects with care, and I encourage you to extend that same care to yourself when deciding whether to proceed with reading. For a more specific list of content warnings, please visit racquelmariebooks.com
much love <3
This book largely follows the aftermath of a teenage boy’s death by suicide. The method is never disclosed. These characters also deal with obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, grief, and morbid ideation. I have tried my best to write about each of these subjects with care, and I encourage you to extend that same care to yourself when deciding whether to proceed with reading. For a more specific list of content warnings, please visit racquelmariebooks.com
much love <3
June 17, 2024
4 stars. Rife with complex relationships and containing one of the most compelling explorations of grief I've seen in recent memory, Racquel Marie's This is Me Trying is every bit as heartbreaking and cathartic as the song it’s named after.
April 16, 2024
2024 reads: 90/250
i received an advanced review copy from the publisher via netgalley in exchange for an honest review. this did not affect my rating.
content warnings (provided on-page by author): suicide, OCD, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, grief, morbid ideation
bryce, beatriz, and santiago’s friendship crumbled when santiago moved away before high school. three years later, bryce is dead, and santiago has moved back. beatriz is determined to keep her distance from santiago, who left her to grieve on her own, but santiago wants to make things right.
this book depicted grief so beautifully, especially when it comes to the guilt many people feel when someone close to them commits suicide. i quickly connected with bea and santi and their different ways of processing the grief they felt. many people pity bea, as she was bryce’s girlfriend, but think santi should get over it quicker since they were “just friends.” i appreciated how this book handled the topics of grief, platonic and romantic love, and growing from our experiences.
i can’t wait to read whatever racquel marie writes next!
i received an advanced review copy from the publisher via netgalley in exchange for an honest review. this did not affect my rating.
content warnings (provided on-page by author): suicide, OCD, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, grief, morbid ideation
bryce, beatriz, and santiago’s friendship crumbled when santiago moved away before high school. three years later, bryce is dead, and santiago has moved back. beatriz is determined to keep her distance from santiago, who left her to grieve on her own, but santiago wants to make things right.
this book depicted grief so beautifully, especially when it comes to the guilt many people feel when someone close to them commits suicide. i quickly connected with bea and santi and their different ways of processing the grief they felt. many people pity bea, as she was bryce’s girlfriend, but think santi should get over it quicker since they were “just friends.” i appreciated how this book handled the topics of grief, platonic and romantic love, and growing from our experiences.
i can’t wait to read whatever racquel marie writes next!
August 17, 2023
I was already a Racquel Marie stan (thus me dropping everything as soon as this book landed into my grubby hands to read it), but this cemented my status as such. Each Racquel Marie novel is different than the last, but they are all extraordinary in their own ways. Racquel shines in her character work, and always manages to do an exquisite job in drawing to life such intricate, complex interior lives for each of her characters, and never fails to make them feel like real people (and perhaps make you feel less real in comparison as you find yourself diving into these stories and forgetting about the real world).
This particular novel was seeping with grief and melancholy, as it portrayed so many different ways in which people live with loss that defines who they are in such a definitive way.
A true triumph.
This particular novel was seeping with grief and melancholy, as it portrayed so many different ways in which people live with loss that defines who they are in such a definitive way.
A true triumph.
April 5, 2024
An incredibly tender coming-of-age story written with immense care. Gorgeous, gorgeous prose and gut punch emotion, the characters feel devastatingly real. They will be on my mind forever help
January 19, 2025
“I don’t know what to do with all of this.” I admit. “Me and my pain and guilt. I’m scared this’ll always be me. But I’m also scared to be anyone else.”
This books reads like a patchwork quilt, full of mismatched memories and emotions. The way that drowning in grief makes moments feel more like snapshots than actually something lived. This book was heartbreaking, following the excruciating process of healing. Learning to forgive yourself. I’ll be sitting here and thinking about it for a while.
April 2, 2024
My blurb for this incredible book:
"This is Me Trying grabbed me from the very first page and didn't let go once, and I never want it to. This book does a beautiful job of taking care of the reader while not shying away from the incredibly raw and real topics of grief, mental health, and healing. Many grief books will break your heart. This one will piece it back together."
"This is Me Trying grabbed me from the very first page and didn't let go once, and I never want it to. This book does a beautiful job of taking care of the reader while not shying away from the incredibly raw and real topics of grief, mental health, and healing. Many grief books will break your heart. This one will piece it back together."
Want to read
August 3, 2022guess I have until 2024 to mentally prepare myself to bawl my eyes out. my therapist will be hearing about this book.
April 23, 2024
My blurb for this book would be: MY GOD RACQUEL HOW CAN YOU WRITE LIKE THIS? It's uncanny how good the writing is, I felt so connected to all of its characters and things felt so familiar. Stuff being said and done towards Olive made me feel mad and aching to hit Rick, -like knock him out hit-, because damn, toxic. Bea is both sweet and struggling with a LOT of stuff, and I see so much from myself in Santi I just want to hug him real good. Racquel, you're a goddess, I cannot wait for your next masterpiece!
I promise to continue meeting myself on the other side of every bad day.
I promise to continue meeting myself on the other side of every bad day.
June 29, 2024
This was off to a little bit of a rough start for me, but then something clicked and I started to love it. These characters truly wormed their way into my heart. I love how there's clear growth in the characters but it doesn't feel like we reach a true end point in the book, moreso a starting point for them to grow further together. And that's really all that happens in this book: Bea and Santi finding their way back towards each other. I love a quiet book and this was a beautifully written one.
Want to read
May 19, 2023
Want to read
April 5, 2024"about two estranged childhood best friends who reconnect over the course of their senior year of high school to heal, forgive, and grieve their mutual soulmate years after his death tore them apart."
July 7, 2024
dnf @ 60%
i adore racquel but this was dragging for me. and when I realized the two of them were going to get together I just couldn't push through anymore lol
i adore racquel but this was dragging for me. and when I realized the two of them were going to get together I just couldn't push through anymore lol
May 19, 2025
4⭐️
This book covers grief in a very real way. It's shown in memories, milestones, and through really great character building. It's very slow paced and pretty uneventful in a way. Reading it sort of feels like going for a long walk.
I really appreciate there never being any details on how Bryce died or any focus on the act of his death at all, outside of knowing it was suicide and a brief mention of a note. The author focuses on his death in a very respectful and non exploitative way, even in the climax of the book.
It wasn't what I expected based on the Instagram promos that brought me here, but it reminded me a lot of the books I gravitated towards as a teenager.
This book covers grief in a very real way. It's shown in memories, milestones, and through really great character building. It's very slow paced and pretty uneventful in a way. Reading it sort of feels like going for a long walk.
I really appreciate there never being any details on how Bryce died or any focus on the act of his death at all, outside of knowing it was suicide and a brief mention of a note. The author focuses on his death in a very respectful and non exploitative way, even in the climax of the book.
It wasn't what I expected based on the Instagram promos that brought me here, but it reminded me a lot of the books I gravitated towards as a teenager.
August 18, 2024
This book is so heavy, complex, and powerful. I cried multiple times. I love Racquel Marie's writing so much such an amazing writer.
November 21, 2024
I wanted to like it but it fell flat for me :/
March 23, 2024
This Is Me Trying tells the story of Beatriz and Santiago, two teenagers left devastated after the suicide of their best friend. The loss affects them differently, and we see just how broken they are in the wake of this devastating loss. Beatriz and Santiago both feel like real, flawed human beings; they are dealing with a horrible situation in the only ways they know how, which are unfortunately often painful and self-destructive.
Having read all of Racquel Marie's previous books, I feel like I expected the usual gang of characters - imperfect but real, loveable people, where even the more minor characters are fleshed out in a way that feels complete. I wasn't expecting to start crying while finishing the book over breakfast, however. The book explores grief and loss, without shying away from the very real harmful coping techniques that many people, especially young people, rely on. However, it also explores love and the many form it takes - familial, romantic, platonic, and the many ways it can defy categorization.
Overall, this was a powerful, honest book. Racquel Marie remains one of my auto-buy/must-read authors.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC!
Having read all of Racquel Marie's previous books, I feel like I expected the usual gang of characters - imperfect but real, loveable people, where even the more minor characters are fleshed out in a way that feels complete. I wasn't expecting to start crying while finishing the book over breakfast, however. The book explores grief and loss, without shying away from the very real harmful coping techniques that many people, especially young people, rely on. However, it also explores love and the many form it takes - familial, romantic, platonic, and the many ways it can defy categorization.
Overall, this was a powerful, honest book. Racquel Marie remains one of my auto-buy/must-read authors.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC!
December 9, 2024
I wish I'd had this book in high school, when I needed it most, but above all I’m glad that today’s high schoolers will already have it in their reach.
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March 1, 2024
Thank you so much to Feiwel & Friends for sending me an advanced copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
This Is Me Trying is character-driven, which is unfortunate considering how unlikeable I found the main characters.
Beatriz is mean in her grief. I cannot judge her response; I have never experienced a loss like this. But she lashes out at everyone, then looks to those same people for validation. I found it hard to be on her side.
As for Santiago, he needs to decide what he wants. Santiago is being used by everyone. It takes him so long to do something about it. I saw another reviewer call him a ‘doormat’. I think that’s an accurate assessment.
That being said, I would still recommend This Is Me Trying. It is incredibly well-written, and the mental health and LGBT+ representation are so strong.
To anyone looking for a YA novel that will tug at your heartstrings: this one’s for you.
Bottom line: Have tissues on hand.
⸻ᥫ᭡
my blog!
To grieve is to live, yet it seems impossible that you can do both.
This Is Me Trying is character-driven, which is unfortunate considering how unlikeable I found the main characters.
Beatriz is mean in her grief. I cannot judge her response; I have never experienced a loss like this. But she lashes out at everyone, then looks to those same people for validation. I found it hard to be on her side.
As for Santiago, he needs to decide what he wants. Santiago is being used by everyone. It takes him so long to do something about it. I saw another reviewer call him a ‘doormat’. I think that’s an accurate assessment.
That being said, I would still recommend This Is Me Trying. It is incredibly well-written, and the mental health and LGBT+ representation are so strong.
To anyone looking for a YA novel that will tug at your heartstrings: this one’s for you.
Bottom line: Have tissues on hand.
⸻ᥫ᭡
my blog!
July 28, 2025
this is me crying
well that was a punch to the gut. It took me a minute to really get into it but I loved our MCs from the beginning. I'm an absolute sucker for m/f queer books and even more of a sucker where friendship is at the forefront.
This book follows two teens as they navigate their final year of high school while still dealing with grief from the suicide of a friend a couple years back. Some of the friend dynamics were a bit confusing at first but it does eventually click.
This story is truly about growth and healing through grief. it's about knowing and understanding that everyone grieves differently and a lot of the times people don't cry out for help, they hide it until it ovecomes them.
bi MC, pan MC with OCD, nonbinary SC, sapphic SC
4.5
well that was a punch to the gut. It took me a minute to really get into it but I loved our MCs from the beginning. I'm an absolute sucker for m/f queer books and even more of a sucker where friendship is at the forefront.
This book follows two teens as they navigate their final year of high school while still dealing with grief from the suicide of a friend a couple years back. Some of the friend dynamics were a bit confusing at first but it does eventually click.
This story is truly about growth and healing through grief. it's about knowing and understanding that everyone grieves differently and a lot of the times people don't cry out for help, they hide it until it ovecomes them.
bi MC, pan MC with OCD, nonbinary SC, sapphic SC
4.5
May 27, 2024
wow this book was HEAVY! definitely check the trigger warnings and make sure you're in a headspace to read this! racquel marie's characters and stories are always so fleshed out and real, and this book is no exception! it took me longer to get through than her other books, i think because the content was so heavy. my one big complaint is that i didn't care for the main romance, but it grew on me in the end, i think. beautiful and real story about suicide and anxiety and friendship and grief that is also hopeful and full of little joys and love.
Want to read
November 26, 20242024 is the year we received the blessing of the cover gods 🙏
May 14, 2024
"To grieve is to live, yet it seems impossible that you can do both."
Racquel Marie has proven she can do it all--from a fluffy rom-com, to a bright coming-of-age, to this emotional contemporary story about grieving a friend.
This book drops you straight into the middle of life, two and a half years after the death of Bryce, who once made up a friendship trio. The two friends left in his wake are dealing with his death in different ways, and we follow them as they reconnect, fight, and reconnect again. All the while, they are both dealing with their guilt, mental illness, and trying to make it through their senior year of high school.
It's hard to describe exactly why this book felt so perfect to me. My hometown is a similar size to the setting of this novel, and having several classmates die by suicide while I was in high school, so much of this book felt achingly familiar. All of the characters felt so real--not just the main characters, but our entire cast felt like real people. And all of these people are just trying their best in the wake of a difficult and unimaginable loss.
Please check out the trigger warnings located at the beginning of the book before reading; but if you can handle it, I highly recommend reading.
Racquel Marie has proven she can do it all--from a fluffy rom-com, to a bright coming-of-age, to this emotional contemporary story about grieving a friend.
This book drops you straight into the middle of life, two and a half years after the death of Bryce, who once made up a friendship trio. The two friends left in his wake are dealing with his death in different ways, and we follow them as they reconnect, fight, and reconnect again. All the while, they are both dealing with their guilt, mental illness, and trying to make it through their senior year of high school.
It's hard to describe exactly why this book felt so perfect to me. My hometown is a similar size to the setting of this novel, and having several classmates die by suicide while I was in high school, so much of this book felt achingly familiar. All of the characters felt so real--not just the main characters, but our entire cast felt like real people. And all of these people are just trying their best in the wake of a difficult and unimaginable loss.
Please check out the trigger warnings located at the beginning of the book before reading; but if you can handle it, I highly recommend reading.
December 10, 2023
Heartbreakingly beautiful. High school senior Beatriz is still grieving the death of her boyfriend Bryce, who died from suicide, when her old friend Santiago, who was also best friends with Bryce, moves back to town. Having Santi in Beatriz's life again brings up old feelings and unearths heartbreaking secrets that two grieving friends have tried to protect each other from for years. As the ice between them thaws, something else begins to bloom. Racquel Marie is such a talent. This novel is beautifully and sensitively crafted. Just stunning. Read this book.
March 16, 2024
sometimes you read a book that unfurls itself before you with the most beautiful prose and the most heartrending and heartbreaking characters who feel so deeply real to you. reading this book and experiencing racquel marie’s words about grief, love, forgiveness, and everything in between is such a profound and colossal gift. I hope everyone reads this.
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June 9, 2024dnf @23%. don’t have the mental energy for YA right now.
dnf
June 29, 2024DNF at 30% - didn't meet my expectations, it was quite boring for my taste. a lot of fancy words just to say so little...
Displaying 1 - 30 of 214 reviews