You Made Me This Way

by Shannon Molloy

A harrowing and heartbreaking yet ultimately hopeful book about one of our society's deepest shames, from Shannon Molloy, the author of the critically acclaimed memoir Fourteen.


Part memoir, part investigation into the taboo topic of male child sexual abuse, You Made Me This Way is a very personal book, driven by Shannon revealing his own experience of having been sexually abused as a young child, and his grappling to understand how this has shaped him.

The majority of men sexually abused as children never speak about their past and hide their shame and trauma away, forever carrying an enormous burden on their own, often with terrible consequences. Shannon interviews survivors, learning about their hard-won insights, as well as experts, researchers, and therapists, making this book a vitally important step in encouraging conversation about what we must do to better support these men and the systematic changes needed in order to better protect children in the future.

Raw, honest, deeply important and inspiring in its courage, this book shines a light on this darkness in our society - and the challenge to all of us is not to look away.

'Part memoir, part exploratory research project, Molloy's second book is an urgent and genre-defying feat of storytelling.' Books+Publishing

'A moving, taboo-breaking exploration of childhood sexual abuse. Shannon Molloy's sensitivity is a gift to a country where young men are encouraged to keep their shame a secret.' LECH BLAINE

'Through the deep fractures of trauma, Shannon Molloy writes with tenderness, conviction and above all, heart. Reading these experiences, shared from the farthest brinks of vulnerability, is uncomfortable, yet wholly necessary.' BRANDON JACK

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography, Audiobook, Psychology, Mental Health, Australia

352 pages, Paperback

First published February 1, 2023

Reviews

[Camila - Books Through My Veins · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought all the countless hours I have willingly invested in reading and listening to understand abuse amounted to something until I read Shannon's memoir: hard to comprehend abuse if we leave the other half out of the discussion.

Far from dismissing women's experience with abuse (including my own), I want to take this review as an opportunity to encourage every single person out there to make room for Shannon's book. Talking about abuse it's never easy, but writing a book to create awareness of male sexual abuse takes guts, incredible vulnerability and insurmountable bravery. I cannot find the words to convey how grateful I am for people like Shannon, who go above and beyond to educate others and fight for a better world for all of us, regardless of the doubtless personal cost that comes from exposure.

I have to admit that, in my twenty-eight years on this Earth, I have hardly stopped to think about the suffering of boys and young men. I have been so concerned about women's issues that I chose to ignore that men also suffer from abuse by other men. Instead, I decided to concentrate on the injustice of violence against women and forget that, unfortunately, most male abusers have their own history of abuse. And, with this, I'm not trying to justify: I'm trying to understand.

Shannon's book was crucial to re-assess my core values. The vulnerability, the investigative work and his superb expertise left no room for anything but utter transformation. The commentary on shame, stigma and trauma was absolutely shattering and moving, and essential to creating the necessary impact to invite people to confront some very hard truths.

If I have not convinced you to read this book, I beg you to. The stories in this book are confronting and challenging to process, yet they are essential to include every single person in the fight for positive change, regardless of gender or identity.

Overall, You Made Me This Way is a must-read, a compelling and crucial work that urges us to re-think the world as we know it. Please read it.

[Book Clubber · Rating 5 out of 5]

Trigger warning: child sexual abuse.

You Made Me This Way by Shannon Molloy is one of the most deeply personal and revealing books I’ve ever read. Part memoir, part investigation, this book is a deep dive into the confronting topic of male child sexual abuse.

I arrived at the first chapter curious to understand the book's title. My passage between the first page and the last was at times uncomfortable and distressing, but Shannon's beautiful writing style and sensitivity propelled me to keep going. In this brave and important book, Shannon recounts his experience of sexual abuse as a young boy and interviews other survivors, sharing their harrowing ordeals and the complex trauma that has followed them into adulthood. This book is a clarion call for changes to our legal, educational, regulatory and health systems that will better protect children, help victims heal and potentially save lives. Gathering wisdom and knowledge from therapists, researchers and his own bumpy road to improved mental health, Shannon shows us that there is hope. Always.

In this, his second book, he breaks the silence and stigma that traps victims into a perpetual cycle of secrecy and shame. His compassion, raw honesty and bravery make this a compelling read and a building block for positive change.

I listened to a podcast (Separate Bathrooms with Cameron and Alison Daddo) in which Shannon and his psychologist husband, Rob Battisti, were interviewed and I cannot recommend it highly enough as a companion to this book. So many fascinating insights, including how early psychological intervention can rewrite the future of a sexually abused child in a significant way.

The courage it must have taken for the men featured in these pages to bare their souls and the resolve required by Shannon to compile this necessary piece of work, even though sitting in it must have felt unbearable at times, is truly remarkable.

Full transparency... Shannon is a friend. But even if he wasn’t, this book deserves all the stars. Bravo Shannon!

[Tom Evans · Rating 4 out of 5]

Much like Shannon Molloy’s previous book, ‘Fourteen’, I’ve once again been left deeply moved by ‘You Made Me This Way.’ Dealing with such a complex topic of childhood trauma and the shame that follows, Molloy writes powerfully on the experiences of different men, but also himself. Critically, it is this path to self-realisation that forms a narrative of hope and healing, a journey fraught with difficulties. Molloy should be commended for a book so bravely written that addresses an under-addressed issue. Definitely a book I will be recommending to many people in the future.

[Megan Maurice · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredibly heavy and difficult book, but an important one. It is written so beautifully and with so much heart, delving into a sad and intense subject with a lot of care and emotion.

[Jaclyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

The care and tenderness with which Molloy treats these stories and insights into the child sexual assault of boys is remarkable. The stories of male survivors come at you and if it wasn’t for the delicate way Molloy tells them, as well as the way he weaves his own story through the book, I don’t know I could have kept going. But these are realities and difficult truths we must face. It seems that in childhood, boys are just as likely to be sexually assaulted as girls and there are nowhere near enough resources. All the stories retold in this book had male perpetrators and I’d be interested to know any stats on women child sexual assault perpetrators. Molloy’s self reflection and self interrogation is incredibly powerful. As hard as it was I am so glad I read this book.

[Brooke Alice (brookes.bookstagram) · Rating 5 out of 5]

TW: childhood sexual abuse, mental health, trauma.

Shannon’s incredible harrowing, yet necessary lens on male childhood abuse is a must read.

It’s articulated so well, focussing on Shannon’s own experience, a blend of statistics and interviews with other survivors who were willing to connect, be vulnerable and share their own experience, some for the first time ever.

This book navigates each persons individualised experience of their trauma, their coping mechanisms, healthy and unhealthy and how this has shaped their lives.

A powerful and important read and I’m so grateful to have taken the time to educate myself further to help remove the stigma associated with this trauma.

Thank you to the publisher for providing me a copy in exchange for an honest review.

[Emily Fletcher · Rating 5 out of 5]

Immeasurably important.

[Olivia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shannon's deeply personal account of his own sexual assault as a child and its lasting impact into adulthood is a necessary read, presented with care and compassion. The journalist in Shannon shines through in the easy writing style and his extensive interviews and research with experts in the field helps give the reader deeper understanding of the issues child sexual assault survivors endure throughout their lives. This is not a book you want to read, but it's a book you should read.

[Steve Maxwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read and listened to these remarkable stories. (The audio is read by Shannon.)

You Made Me This Way is a look at the taboo subject of child sexual assault. Shannon draws from his own experiences as well as from people who have willingly shared their stories, anonymously.

This is a delicate subject and one that has been swept under the carpet long enough and needs to see the light of day.

This moving and beautifully written book demands you have the tissues close by. Simply, this is an Australian masterpiece.

TRIGGER WARNING. This book may bring up some horrific memories for some readers.

[Melinda Charlesworth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raw. Confronting. Honest. Brave. So brave.
The book that had to be written.
The shocking and devastating reality lives by so many and yet hidden in shame and secrets and social niceties.
I’m grateful it was written and I am glad I read it. It’s time to listen and care now.

[SJP]

“𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴, 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘣𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘢𝘥“

Thanks SM for sharing your story and shedding light on a space still shrouded in so much secrecy and stigma. I remember attending a SAMSN training in 2021, and being both simultaneously horrified and completely unsurprised that our justice system is so unfit for serving those who need it most. Hope this book sparks more conversations and attention. PS: looking forward to the funny book 🙂

[Michael McEvoy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Difficult subject matter, and certainly an uncomfortable read. Molloy describes the long-lasting trauma of child sexual abuse felt by himself and other men he has encountered on his journey toward healing. The descriptions of abuse were horrific.

[Tim Goldsmith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow!
This is not the kind of book you can say you "enjoyed reading this", but it certainly was a powerful and confronting book that I am thankful I have read.
Shannon Molloy wants to reflect on an experience he had in his childhood, with another child, which profoundly affected him. Because they were both children, was it really abuse? Has this affected his later coming out as gay? As he asks these questions, Shannon explores the experience of a number of men who experienced abuse as children and how it has affected them.
What I really loved about this book is that Molloy doesn't aim for simple answers, or draw neat conclusions. He's willing to challenge popular narratives around this area. For example, he delves into the difficulty of statistics around the sexual abuse of males, because men are far less likely to report their abuse or seek help. At the end of the book, Molloy is even willing to explore the background and experiences of the boy who abused him, not looking to remove culpability, but to understand how his own experience of abuse may have led to him acting in the way he did.
As a Christian, I was really impressed by how Shannon, a gay man, who doesn't appear to be religious, did an impressive job of sharing stories where the church ought to be held to account for not protecting vulnerable people, or prosecuting abusers, while at the same time acknowledging that the church often gets a bad wrap, with people presenting a picture of random priests abusing kids, as opposed to the stats that show the vast majority of abuses are known by the abused & connected through family or other such areas.
I wish I could say that there is a joy filled conclusion, calling us to a happy new space, but really this book pushes the reader to think deeply, to vigilance, and to continue conversations about how we protect vulnerable people and how we support those who have experienced abuse.

[Gabrielle Geddes · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was such an interesting insight into the important topic of child sexual abuse. Molloy perfectly balanced the emotional with the factual to deliver a difficult message. A powerful story about who and what makes us.

[Fadzli Jambari · Rating 5 out of 5]

“They’ve been sentenced to a life of hurt and struggle, while most of their perpetrators have been allowed to carry on exactly as they like.”

This was a tough and emotional read for me, yet an important read too. This book covers themes of sexual abuse of male children of different degrees as well as the aftermath of it. I will admit that as a victim myself, this book did affect my mood greatly because of the triggering content so do proceed with caution.

It’s not easy to talk about your own abuse, and it takes a lot of vulnerability and strength to be able to write about it and also listen to other people’s personal stories as well to come to terms with your struggles.

This book was arranged well - being a mix of Shannon’s own experience and journey to understanding his abuse, to individualised interviews with other victims of child sexual abuse and interviews with experts on preventing child sexual abuse and the law.

I would recommend everyone to read this book with an open mind and not contribute to the stigma that male sexual abuse victims go through.

[Benjamin Farr · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having previously read Shannon Molly's incredible memoir "Fourteen", the author has once again given an incredibly honest, personal account of childhood trauma and the stain that child sexual abuse has had upon himself and other men.

[Alonso · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very confronting but necessary read. The work that Molloy does in this book is sharp and yet it was so easy to empathise and feel his pain. The way in which he shares his and other men’s stories of child sexual abuse with data from research is very important because generates empathy and awareness on this topic.

[Carmen Watts · Rating 3 out of 5]

Obviously harrowing and important but I don’t love his style of writing.

[EmG ReadsDaily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartbreaking yet handled beautifully.

[Sean Kennedy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hard-hitting and intense, but a book everybody should read.

[Linards Jansons · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an important, if harrowing, book combining the author's own experience, the stories and reflections of other male survivors of child sexual abuse, current research, and the findings of major inquiries (such as the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses into Child Sexual Abuse). I read and reviewed it for some self chosen professional development for my work in child protection. It confirms and complements what I’ve learned in the course of my work, and has extended my appreciation for the burden carried by male survivors of sexual abuse in the years (and decades) following their trauma. While it’s common to call any kind of self-disclosure ‘brave’, in this case it really applies.

My take-away from the book is as follows: Because of the intense shame suffered during and after their abuse, boys and men are deeply reluctant to disclose their experience of abuse. As a result, they neither seek nor receive the help they need and their trauma remains unresolved for years to come. This has a detrimental impact on themselves and others.

Shame is the key concept that recurs throughout. Malloy describes shame as a debilitating force shaping one’s life path, a second shadow, a toxic shame permeating mind and body. The shame resulting from sexual abuse is deep and complex. Despite being children at the time of their abuse, survivors often felt complicit in their abuse. Possibly as a result of their manipulation and grooming, the irrational feeling persisted that they were somehow responsible for what happened to them. Compounded by homophobia and cultural norms around masculinity, survivors went through life feeling like freaks, excluded from normal society. As the most common way of coping with these feelings is repression, the result is a thoroughly internalized shame leading to an image of themselves as fundamentally flawed.

While the background of survivors differed, the impact was remarkably similar: poor mental health, reliance on drugs and alcohol, emotional dysregulation (often leading to anger and violence), suicidal and other self-destructive behaviours, difficulties with employment, incarceration and homelessness, and an inability to reach out for help. Most painful was the difficulty survivors faced establishing or maintaining any kind of intimate relationship. Notable also was the loss of agency (or control) following these children into adulthood. A surprising insight was the outcome of those who pursued their abusers through the courts. This remains a highly retraumatizing process that is rarely taken up and is even less often successful. Yet for those who managed to publicly voice their experiences and name their abuser, there was a recovery of some of the agency stolen from them as children.

However, these are rare cases. The reality is that most male survivors hold on to their secret for decades, and sometimes forever. The average time for males to disclose is estimated to be just short of 30 years (a mean of 21.5 years), longer than is the case for female survivors. I had to look beyond Malloy’s book for clearer information on disclosure statistics, (e.g., bravehearts.org.au), but by the very nature of the topic, figures remain hazy. However, several important things are clear: barriers to disclose still outweigh facilitators, males are less likely to disclose than females, and males will take longer to do so. A crucial factor is that mental health outcomes are the least adverse for those who disclose as children (within a year) and receive appropriate supports. Of course, in the 1990’s there wasn't a great deal of support around, and plenty of reasons to keep your mouth shut.

Criminology is amassing a large body of research on the characteristics of adult perpetrators. But some of the instigators of sexual harm in this book were children (albeit always older than their victims). This grey area is little understood. Why do children engage in harmful sexual behaviours? In the child protection space the first question is usually 'Are they themselves victims of sexual abuse?' But while that can never be ruled out, it is not the case that all perpetrators were abused, or that victims of sexual harm will go on to abuse. Children who have caused sexual harm against another child may well have been impacted by physical abuse, neglect or exposure to domestic violence. But none of these background factors - including sexual abuse - are predictors that the child will go on to abuse others, and most children with harmful sexual behaviours do not continue to harm once they reach adulthood.

And what of supports and healing? While every state and territory has its statutory child protection system, and while there are organizations like Bravehearts dedicated to the prevention and treatment of child sexual abuse, there are still precious few organisations or supports in place for male survivors. Survivors and Mates Support Network (SAMSN) is one exception and the author recounts the formation of this remarkable group.

Given that a quarter of Australians have experienced some form of sexual abuse (with 1 in 10 Australians having experienced forced sex in childhood), Shannon Malloy’s book shines a revealing light on a topic most of us would prefer to not even think about.

[Helen Webb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Like ‘Fourteen’ this book was a very difficult read. The initial revelation of Shannon’s abuse was both confronting and disturbing. Although, after the atrocious behaviour of many as described in ‘Fourteen’ I did hope that life, for Shannon, was on the improve. It seems there is a long way to go with community attitudes, police, the legal system, mental health and other support systems, before victims, like those mentioned in this book, feel comfortable to tell their stories. Unfortunately it is only with the telling of these stories that the powers that be will initiate change. Let’s hope they read this book and are encouraged to become proactive rather than reactive.

For me the most confronting part of the abuse was the age of the perpetrator. I needed to compartmentalise each side of this story. One was still the victim of sexual abuse, and one the perpetrator. The age of the perpetrator does not make the abuse any less traumatic, acceptable, or any easier to understand, but it does add a level of confusion as to why a child would behave in this way. Only he can tell that story.

Every child deserves a childhood that brings with them into adulthood lots of happy times and memorable moments. We can only hope that one day we will live in a country where this will happen.

[Phebs Cinnabon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wandered into my local dymocks bookstore and wasn’t too sure if I was going to walk out with a book. I saw that this was a newly released book in the autobiography section, and I’m glad I picked it up. I know a number of friends and acquaintances who have been impacted by CSA. It is absolutely heartbreaking and harrowing. Up until now I had never appreciated fully how CSA can disproportionately impact male survivors. Shannon has written an incredibly important and eye opening book, whose words I now cannot unsee. The CJS must do better for victims of CSA, we all must do better- we all have a part to play in educating others, and believing victims. Well done Shannon for this well written and honest memoir- and more importantly, to you and the other men for sharing your lived experiences and being so brave.

[Alison Hill · Rating 5 out of 5]

The very difficult subject matter of this book was handled, sensitively and beautifully by a very talented author. Most of the way through reading, I wanted to give those telling their stories a huge hug, and to tell them that they’re seen. I would encourage everyone to read this book and to have a greater understanding of the long, lasting ramifications of sexual abuse, particularly in children.

[Jordan Clayden-Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartbreaking yet hopeful, an incredibly important book.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly insightful, but also very confronting. As I raise our young son it’s armed me with knowledge I’m grateful to know, but hopefully never have to rely upon. A courageous book of introspection and awareness.

[Sharyn O'Neill]

This is not a book for everyone.
I found it both heartbreaking and insightful.

[Brooke Walczak · Rating 5 out of 5]

An absolutely heartbreaking, raw and courageous book delving in to a topic that many- if not most- people would rather ignore, yet desperately needs to be spoken about; child sexual abuse. So much respect for Shannon.

[Rani · Rating 5 out of 5]

A harrowing and heatwrenching read on survivors of sexual assault in young men. Boys. Harrowing that 1 in 5 children are SA, and that the average age of them is just 6 years old. Heatwrenching in the tales and struggles these men face later in life. How could my family let it knowingly occur? What if your both children? Does it make me gay? Did I ask for it because I got an erection? Majority of stories are told from survivors, like Molloy himself. But one is told post humoursly from letter left behind after a suicide with an 18 year old boy asking why no one was considering why he had been drinking a bottle of alcohol a day from age 14.

[Zak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a personal and raw read! This book really highlights the trauma that soo many males face! It is unbelievably real! Such a fantastic read, thank you Shannon for being soo vulnerable with your audience and sharing such a dark part of your story.