A compassionate and surprisingly funny novel that is impossible to put down and even harder to forget, from the award-winning author of Islands.
They were still who they always had been, still those sisters, but on this afternoon, in this car, driving with the windows down between cane fields under a deepening sky with purple cut-out mountains in the distance, they were wearing it so lightly, their bossiness and flakiness and wildness; they were wearing it like they used to, like it was supple, slippery, not completely fixed. Like it could be taken off.' … In the car Meg had been laughing too. Meg and Amber laughing in the front and Nina in the back hiding secret tears of hope behind her sunglasses. They had been close then, the three of them, together in that moment of lightness…
Meg and Nina have been outshone by their younger sister Amber since childhood. They have become used to living on the margins of their parents' interest, used to others turning away from them and towards charismatic Amber.
But Amber's life has not gone the way they all thought it would, and now the three of them are together for the first time in years, on the road to a remote holiday rental in Far North Queensland, where Meg and Nina plan on helping Amber overcome her addiction. As good intentions gradually become terrifying reality, these sisters will test the limits of love and the line between care and control.
Peggy Frew is a consummate observer of human frailty and fragile love, and in Wildflowers she has created a riveting, compassionate and affecting novel that is impossible to put down and even harder to forget.
Praise for Islands
'An unforgettable portrait of youth and family disintegration, told with piercing insight and tenderness. Peggy Frew is a rare and precious talent.' Kristina Olsson, author of Shell
'This novel knows, at its heart, that stories always belong to more than one person. Rich, complex and properly thought-provoking, it is Peggy Frew's finest work to date.' Tegan Bennett Daylight, author of The Details
'Islands is a riveting and brilliant portrait of a family in crisis.' The Age
'Frew has fashioned another heartbreaker . . . the scattered chronology plays with the tragic inevitability of damaged people hurting others. Just the tip of an iceberg of sadness is glimpsed, and the story is the more powerful for its restraint.' Sydney Morning Herald
'Frew's talent for descriptive prose and psychogeography is evident throughout . . . her experimentation makes Islands stand out, puncturing the narrative at key moments before exploding the notion of the Family Story. Her writing verges on the sublime.' The Saturday Paper
'Overwhelming . . . a deep and meditative piece of literature. As we watch the family unravel, we are all the time hoping that Anna will come back, that this catastrophe can be fixed . . . utterly engrossing.' Australian Women's Weekly
'In this multi-voiced story, Frew's outstanding ability to empathise with characters who are unable to empathise with each other shines through . . . a work of great compassion and insight.' Books + Publishing
'A beautiful study of sorrow that describes the disintegration of a family and the ongoing trauma of a disappearance.' Readings
Peggy Frew's debut novel, House of Sticks, won the 2010 Victorian Premier's Literary Award for an unpublished manuscript. Her story 'Home Visit' won The Age short story competition. She has been published in New Australian Stories 2, Kill Your Darlings, The Big Issue, and Meanjin. Peggy is also a member of the critically acclaimed and award-winning Melbourne band Art of Fighting.
This was a slow burn. A blurb that delivered a different story to what I was expecting, this was a portrait of three sisters. One sister, Amber, was a girl whom all gravitated toward. This interest was rarely in her interest, it was mostly men wanting something. She was debased. So many times. Taken from her base. This was all from a young age.
Amber is an addict, and as a psychologist rightly mentions, look at the pain not at the drug. She had a lot of pain and sought relief in all the wrong places. Sex. Drugs. So sad to read of her lack of confidence, and the giving away of herself, she felt trapped, stuck. I think there was a reference to 'stuckedness'. I liked that.
On Nina. There’s something special about you… the thing that had been sniffed out in her by the boys at high school.. It was not a good thing but it did seem to be special, and Nina understood it to be both intrinsic and shameful.
I wanted to like this more, but to be honest the girls confused me and I was unsettled, rather than wanting to pick the book up again. This was simply a book I REALLY wanted to LOVE, and thought I would, that was a little different to what I was expecting.
A specific audience will really like this one, but I wasn’t compelled. Quality writing though and appreciate this heartfelt story.
I could relate to addiction and the desperation, and of course the three C’s. I can’t control. I didn’t cause. And I cannot cure. I was left leaving hope for these girls, which was satisfying.
Many thanks to Allen & Unwin for my uncorrected proof copy provided for my honest review. I really appreciate my copies!
As an addendum 5/10/22, I received another copy yesterday, and having passed my original one to my daughters, I passed the next copy to my dentist today with another thank you present, for going above and beyond a couple of times. I said the book was too pretty to go to waste.
3.5★ “They were all stuck, it seemed to Nina; held to ransom by qualities that were once considered harmless and even charming but had somehow become undesirable. Nina’s being forgetful had turned into being flaky, and Meg’s being good to bossy. And Amber’s wildness – well, it was hard to say if Amber’s wildness had changed, really, or just increased as it found more to feed on.”
Three sisters, stuck. Nina is the middle sister, and it’s her point of view through which we see the others, their parents, and a few incidental characters.
Families often have a habit of identifying children as the Smart One, the Sporty One, and so on, as if a child couldn’t be more than one thing or that two children couldn’t wear the same hat. As children, Meg, the eldest, is described as dependable, reliable, and caring; Nina is artistic and studious; much younger Amber is a beautiful, charismatic performer.
Meg is now stuck as nosy and interfering; Nina as thoughtless; Amber as spacey and out of control. There is nothing charming about them, and they barely have working relationships with each other.
But bossy Meg, is staging an intervention. She is taking the three of them on a ‘holiday’ (or so they have told Amber), and although Nina wanted to back out, Meg won the day. Meg is driving, and all are glum, until a family memory pops up that makes them all smile.
“it was something that hadn’t happened since Nina was, say, fifteen. The three of them, together, breathing the same air, electrified by something vast, something immeasurably bigger than they were; the three of them like their own cluster of molecules, united, bobbing and clinging in the great roiling synthesis of the world.”
Chapters describe events from their past, so we can see how they each came to be the way they are. Meg has become a nurse, perfect for someone as caring as she is, but it also gives her some authority as a fixer: I know what’s best for you.
Nina fluctuates wildly from feeling special to feeling worthless, depending on which sex affair she is having (she never calls them love affairs). She is currently going through a period of self-flagellation of sorts, wearing uncomfortable op shop clothes, not washing, and eating scraps of food from other people’s plates in the canteen.
“Nina felt the onset of self-pitying tears. What had she got so wrong? How was it that everyone else knew what it was they loved to do – or, if not loved, were at least satisfied with, like Gwen and her disabled kids, her bushwalking, or Meg and her anatomy textbooks and swimming and lentils?”
Amber is a straight-forward junkie who seems to have missed her calling as the next big film star, and Meg is convinced she is still traumatised from an incident on a film set where she disappeared for some time.
Gwen. She is Mum, and Robert is Dad, an artist. They are a self-contained pair.
“Gwen and Robert were not there to gaze upon them and ask fondly, ‘What are we going to do with you?’
Gwen and Robert were not there at all. They had distanced themselves. They were in their early sixties, and they were, you could feel it, ‘immensely relieved’ to have at last been able to get back to their own lives.”
You’re on your own, kids. Or at least that’s how it feels. Of course how the girls grew up with them in their small, cluttered, arty household, has helped to fashion them all, but the sisters are their own people.
The story of how the sisters cope (or don’t) and how they attempt to connect and reconnect, is well told. The writing is wonderful, the characters are clear, but—and I’m sorry to say there is a but—I didn’t like any of them or care much about what happened to them. This is a pretty grim read, and some of the storyline on their trip seemed far-fetched - where they were, how they lived and fended for themselves just felt wrong.
It’s the writing that kept me going to the end.
Thanks to Allen & Unwin for the review copy from which I’ve quoted, so quotes may have changed. (I hope not, because I do admire her writing.)
*Maybe a spoiler alert here and some trigger warnings*
The cover blurb is deceiving ….I found no memorable funny bits in this story, mostly angst and sorrow for the difficult plight of this family as a whole and as individuals.
I’ve been at a loss as to how best to describe this book and all I could summon was…confronting and a bit too drawn out to be fully appreciated [by me]…which doesn’t do justice to the writing or the insightful observations…but I honestly feel depleted and had to really push on to finish it. I had to finish it because it was a worthy story that needed to be told, but it also needed some resolution, or some sense of hope, which I feel it never fully achieved. And I get that, sometimes things just don’t add up and fit into nice neat packages…but I came away feeling like it was all very futile and that alone was a very daunting and confronting realization. So I’m not exactly sure of what this book was trying to achieve or convey. It was certainly real and convincing in every way, but I still don’t know where it was going, and it’s left me in a kind of weird state of disappointment and hopelessness…it left no room for hope. Like I said, maybe there was no resolution to be had and that’s sad….I’m left in a weird kind of limbo.
I have to give credit to the author for her ability to recognize and accurately describe the many subtle and varied nuances of her character’s personalities. In that regard the story telling was brilliant and I have no issue with this author’s writing skills. The story felt so real (for the main part) that it was almost like a memoir…but for me, it just lost something in it’s drawn out lengthy-ness, where no real resolution was apparent.
3.5 ⭐️s
Many thanks to Allen & Unwin for sending me this book to read and review.
Three sisters with very different personalities. The youngest, Amber seems to outshine the others from a young age but after a traumatic event , enters a downward spiral of addiction. This affects the whole family; the strangely passive and accepting parents, Gwen and Robert; eldest sister Meg, describe as solid but has issues of own ; but mostly the book is about second sister, Nina and shown from her perspective. Her life is described in detail and her mental breakdown (part despair, part guilt, part depression, part loneliness) is quite devastating to read. I found it very hard to put this book down. None of the characters in this book are particularly likeable but I was drawn into the story, always aware that there wasn’t going to be a happy, neat ending. It’s a book about ordinary lives, acceptance for the people around them and how to cope with existence.
As children and teenagers Meg and Nina are, more or less on the fringe of their parents affection. Centre stage is always focussed on younger sister Amber, nicknamed Bam. Each of them is typecast by parents until it becomes a mantle they cannot shake. Meg is the good one, Nina the forgetful one and Amber the charismatic one. Amber looked all set to be a child movie star but then things took a turn no one foresaw. Amber's life slides into one of addiction. It is a perceptive and thought provoking novel. Thought provoking about labelling children and how they grow into the labels put on them. It is also a frank, confronting story about addiction and it effects not just on the addicted one but others in the family. The time Meg and Nina take \Amber away to try an intervention is a key time in the story. The blurb and endorsements tell me it. Is ‘a riveting, ....... novel that is impossible to put down.’ I had no trouble putting it down. The only way I would not have been able to put it down was if it was glued to my fingers. At times I simply could not read any more about these three characters, none of which I liked. I needed another lighter book to give me break from the grim picture. Sometimes though I feel the comments and endorsements in the cover are more a work of fiction than the book itself. A lot of people are going to rave over this book while I suspect while others like me will be lukewarm. Maybe it didn’t do this book any favours that I started it after reading a book I absolutely adored. Can’t say I liked this one, but it is a confronting and no doubt timely read. Thanks to A &U for my ARC which I won to read and review. It is a subject worth exploring and worth reading even though it was not my cup of tea. If you like descriptive writing you will probably like it. I didn’t like the way the time frames kept jumping about. I felt like I was always on the sidelines, not experiencing the emotions with this family. Others may well feel differently.
I am still searching to find which part of this novel the Goodreads blurb refers to as "funny". What kept me reading was not humour, but rather the hope that the intervention of the two sisters, Nina and Meg, would be successful in breaking the addiction of their younger sister, Amber. The relentless sadness in the deterioration of Amber's mental health was portrayed with meticulous detail and sensitivity, allowing the reader to trace its beginnings and empathise with the tragedy of her demise.
However, the declining mental health of the middle sister, Nina, the "flighty" one, was less understandable to me and, in many ways, as soul-destroying as Amber's crisis. I was disappointed that the author did not delve as deeply into how and why her health had so declined, yet detailing Nina's fragility in her behaviour and self-image, particularly. Also missing for me was a clear enough picture of the parental influence, or rather the absence of such influence, from Gwen and Robert, who seemed less significant to the girls than each other.
The method of their intervention, planned by Meg, the "bossy" and seemingly most stable sister, was brutal and took all three women (and the reader!) out of their comfort zone, ultimately almost unbelievable. What worked well throughout the novel were the flashbacks of the girls' childhoods and teenaged years, particularly the "wildness" of the celebration of Amber's beauty and acting roles. However, the package was flawed by the shared focus on Nina, whose depression and subsequent devaluing of herself was left unexplained. I enjoyed both "Hope Farm" and "Islands" much more.
A whole lot of nothing, really. It had its good moment (especially in the flashbacks), but ultimately didn’t take any of the opportunities I saw for making the plot more gripping. The trip away was short and uneventful. We weren’t even there for 90% of the time. The background on Amber felt incomplete and the characters felt quite shallow. I was expecting a reason for why Nina packs up everything and is so changed from the experience, but we never get that.
Ultimately it was a very boring, uneventful story. The blurb of the book alluded to one story (fun sister holiday vibes), the concept of the trip alluded to another (possible horror/torture vibes), and the book itself was something else entirely (Nina feeling sad for herself but doing nothing for 300 pages).
Peggy Frew writes complex, jagged, outlier women characters and the interactions between them so well. Here, three sisters bring the full weight of their childhood to their relationships as they deal with drug addiction, infertility and life’s disappointments. This book asks some interesting questions about what we owe each other and how we develop when our emotional and physical needs go unmet. I’ve loved all of Frew’s books but I do feel she got a little tripped up in the details in this one. But the structure is so clever and once it reveals itself there is no going back.
Thank you Allen & Unwin for a copy of this book. I read it yesterday in one sitting, it is amazing. The writing is stunning, and the characters will inhabit my life for some time. Nina, Meg and Amber are flawed and real. I could find a little kernel of myself in each of the sisters. Robert and Gwen's struggle to come to terms with the reality of Amber's addiction and their coping is heartbreaking. Melbourne and far north Queensland provide perfect, vivid backgrounds to the unfolding drama.
This was not an easy book to read. My third by Peggy Frew, who same as Holly Throsby, is a musician who writes as well, this book was certainly the hardest for me. Also my third book of three sisters in a few months, Sisters by John Clanchy and House of Hollow by Crystal Sutherland. Interesting dynamics for in this family grouping for sure.
This book was interesting, but sad. Drug addiction, mental illness and just plain dysfunction runs in this family. I found the story interesting and the writing excellent, but overall, just too grim and sad to enjoy. 3 stars, worth the effort, just not enjoyable for me.
Thank you Allen & Unwin for sending us a copy to read and review. Family units are for the most never quite a united front. Dysfunction, denial, hard love and honesty are all traits that govern family relationships. It is always interesting to see family dynamics at play and I’m particularly obsessed with how sisters get along. Three sisters share the same gene pool, possibly have similar physical features but emotionally and mentally are spheres apart. Meg is steadfast, stoic and wants to lead, Nina is the middle child need I say more and Amber believes the world and her family should revolve around her. As the youngest Amber had spotlight and nurtured extra attention. Getting mixed up and addicted to drugs and prescription medications. Meg arranges an intervention, the three sisters go to far North Queensland to an isolated property. The drama, tension and realisations create havoc both physically and emotionally. Nina is at breaking point after living through a life centred around Amber. I enjoyed the intervention storyline and the back stories created cohesion to the present situation. At times this was raw, confronting and a real eye opener how addiction can cause gaping cracks in families. I was a little confused how Nina became so lost and adopted a slovenly lifestyle. Possibly because I couldn’t relate to trauma of living in a shadow but it didn’t detract any value from this well written story.
At first I thought this was going to be a book about an intervention by two sisters over another. What this turned out to be was a number of interventions and the struggle to understand the wildness within. Moving through the traumatic events of Meg, Nina and Amber’s childhood and adolescent years, they each grappled with who they were as young women. We read about their struggles and pain. The impact of their self-confidence on the ability to follow their hearts and desires, and how they each grappled with their connection to others and the world around them. We also read about Gwen and Robert, their parents, who seemed so detached from it all.
Amber’s spiral into despair was heart-wrenching, and so was the strength of Meg to see the intervention through. Nina, on the other hand, seemed to struggle but in a very different way, always under the radar where her sister, Amber was at the centre of attention. Nina’s own spiral seemed to take a back seat, and I wished there was more detail about her thoughts in the scenes where her despair was articulated. The flashbacks to childhood and teenage years were very strong, but it was not spread across the three sisters as evenly as it could have been. Even Meg seemed to be left out of this focus, and the moments that focused on the birth of her children and the emotional anguish of this experience seemed to be glossed over very quickly Something that this book left me with was the idea of a wildflower: a free spirit, fleeting, yet evermore. They come into being without being affected by other elements. They are often sprouting from nothing and turn into something quite beautiful and remarkable. We didn’t cause it, we can’t cure it, we can’t control it.
Thank you Allen & Unwin for my uncorrected proof copy. I love the story of sisterhood between Meg, Nina, and Amber. All different characters. A family living with addictions - The three Cs - We didn't CAUSE it, we can't CURE it, we can't CONTROL it. They believe in love to support each other.
Wildflowers is the first book I've read by Peggy Frew and I'm torn. Frew's certainly a talented and emotive writer but I wasn't as enamoured as I could have been... or perhaps expected to be. I think it's predominantly because the backcover blurb suggests that the three sisters travel to Far North Queensland to support the youngest to detox in the present. So when the book opens and we meet the middle sister, Nina, I assumed the trip (and main story arc of the book) was yet to come. But instead we discover the trip took place in the past. And that threw me a little. (Though) I'm not sure why.
I really loved the parts of this book set in the present. They reminded me of Love Objects, Happy Hour and Everything is Beautiful). I know we needed the context of the middle, but (for me) it didn't fully explain Nina's behaviour and I felt there were still some plot holes.
People have mentioned that this book’s blurb is misleading and I agree. There were some compassionate and funny bits but they were few. Normally I enjoy family/sibling interaction in novels and this book did have some of that. For me, unfortunately, the three sisters annoyed me to the point of almost DNF ing the whole thing. A shame really as I really love Peggy Frew as an author as a rule and have read all she has written to this point.
3.5 stars. A sad, mostly depressing, compassionate novel about three sisters, Meg, Nina and Amber. Amber has had drug addiction problems for a number of years. Meg organises a trip for the three adult sisters, mainly to try and help Amber overcome Amber’s drug dependency issues.
I particularly enjoyed the back story about each of the sisters and the relationship they had to their generally supportive parents.
Readers new to Peggy Frew should begin with ‘Hope Farm’ (2015) or ‘Islands’ (2019).
I'm totally unsure if the person who wrote the blurb that accompanies this title, on this site, has actually read this book. While the novel is extraordinarily compassionate, I'm still struggling to find the humour.
According to this blurb, Wildflowers is about three sisters, and the effort of the elder two to assist their wild, younger sister to overcome a drug addiction. However, what it is actually about is Nina, the middle sister, her mental health, and the tenuous grip that she has on her own life.
I wanted to really love this book, and the writing is exquisite, but the narrative - which leaps about in time a little - is a wee bit muddy, and mostly taken up with Nina's excruciating introspection, passive self-absorption, and eventual unravelling. While Amber, the youngest, is depicted as a fiercely blazing flash of light and movement, and the eldest, Meg, as stolid and stoic, they are both somewhat two-dimensional, and Robert and Gwen, the parents, are positively shadowy.
In the end it resolves as a story about families, love, and acceptance, and as such it does the job well, if a little obscurely.
Peggy Frew is clearly a very fine writer as her descriptions of places, feelings and inner thoughts shows in the character study of the three sisters in this novel. The novel is narrated by the middle sister, Nina, the quiet, studious and artistic one, who by her late thirties hasn’t got her life together and is in a downward spiral of depression and self-loathing. Her older sister Meg is a no-nonsense mother hen who if nature had allowed it would have had her own clutch to nurture and boss around, but instead has her sisters to worry about, especially the youngest, luminous wild child Amber, whose future as a budding actress came to a halt in her teens after a traumatic event, sending her hurtling into heroin and then prescription drug addiction.
The novel starts off slowly setting the scene and the players, as it gradually heads towards the trip the sisters take together to an isolated house in the north Queensland rainforest. Unknown to Amber, Meg has decided she must have an intervention to get her off drugs and has bullied Nina into coming along, despite her reservations.
Descriptions of their past lives together with their distant and ineffectual parents fill in the background around the ‘intervention’. It’s not an easy story to read as the characters are difficult to care about and despite the marketing blurb I didn’t find the novel ‘surprisingly funny’. The intervention seemed naïve and ill-conceived given how dangerous detox can be without medical supervision, even for someone consenting to go through it, and it didn’t seem to be in Meg’s character not to have researched the process thoroughly. I was pleased that there was a glimmer of hope for both Nina and Amber at the end of the book, but mostly I was just pleased to have made it to the end. 3.5★
While I wholeheartedly agree it’s a phenomenal piece of writing and storytelling, I struggled to find any humour.
“After all, who isn’t a survivor from the wreck of childhood?” asks Nicole Krauss.
Three sisters come together to face past issues and habits, during a Queensland holiday.
Author Peggy Frew creates complicated and flawed characters. Seeing them respond and react is heartbreaking and an emotional roller coaster for the reader.
Three sisters reunite after a long period to try to get one through drug withdrawal. Frew has a beautiful descriptive writing style, and that is what carries this novel. The plot and characters somewhat take a back seat to the prose.
This book painted a really good portrait of three sisters and their one individualities. I would’ve liked to get more in Ambers perspective but it seems that was the point as it really focuses on the sisters living with someone with addiction.
I enjoyed the letting and the settings and descriptions. Nina was a complex character and seemingly the main character and I found her to be quite interesting.
I liked this but nothing super standout to me. It was interesting seeing the people surrounding amber and how clearly it affected them and changed the direction of their lives.
Frew's writing is so impactful, visceral and emotive. I tried to read slowly to thoroughly digest and immerse myself, but I couldn't stop I had to keep going. I had questions that needed answers. I needed to know "Why?" As the oldest of 3 sisters, this book had so much I could relate to. Frew did an amazing job of telling of the disfunction of a family. Of how everyone in the family reacts and interacts in their own unique ways. As we travel back in time to the girls' younger times and childhood experiences, we can place ourselves in that moment. This story is told through the eyes of middle-child, Nina. We explore her relationships with older sister, Meg and baby of the family, Amber. How each of them have their own experiences of the family and how they still all need each other in order to understand themselves. Amber is an addict and this has its impact on the family and their relationship with her and with each other. Nina has her own issues, but seems to have to take a backseat to Amber's louder and more obvious issues. Meg, as the oldest, has a sense of responsibility and ownership of the actions of her sisters and is always seen as the 'mothering'sister. Mum and Dad are seemingly aloof, but you can draw your own conclusions as this is just my own take on them both. As for Nina, my heart broke over and over again for her. Was she depressed? Was she anxious? Did she have some undisclosed trauma? We are never told and it is something I will think on for a long while. The style of writing is beautiful in its brutality, it's vulnerabilities and the exquisite turn of phrase. Frew's descriptions of the rainforest were gorgeous. I could smell the storm, feel the moisture and taste the air. Her ability to make you feel that you were there in those moments when Nina was so lost and alone. Wow! Peggy Frew has yet to disappoint.
Wildflowers by Peggy Frew was a highly anticipated read for me as I enjoyed the author’s previous book Islands when I read it back in 2019. And so I really wanted to love this book but unfortunately it slightly missed the mark for me.
I think what I appreciated about Frew’s earlier book was its focus on family and their interactions. It was also a deeply character driven novel. The way Frew was able to highlight the strains and fractures in familial relationships was beautiful.
Wildflowers was also a more character driven novel and mainly focuses on one character – coincidentally named Nina – and the relationship she has with her two sisters. I could feel the beauty in the writing and saw some of what I saw from Islands but I think the issue I had with Wildflowers was that I just could not understand the motivations of any of the characters but especially Nina and her sister Meg. And while I appreciated the realness of the relationships between the three sisters and the memories of their time growing up with their parents I found it difficult to connect with or understand any of them.
The book focuses on the three sisters but is told from Nina’s POV. In the present she is struggling to cope and projects back to a time a few years earlier when she and Meg take their youngest sister Amber away to try to get her to overcome her drug addiction. Over the course of the book we flip back to their time growing up when a trauma Amber suffers is the catalyst for her eventually turning to drugs. It also moves through Nina’s years at university and then back into the present.
Frew definitely knows how to write beautifully and I’m sorry I wasn’t able to gel with these characters this time round.
I could not put this down. One could say addictive even. Peggy Frew is such a brilliant writer. Her books deal with the deeper, darker emotions that plague us all at some time in our lives. Or most of us. These 3 sisters are drawn so starkly, and with such compassion. Not an easy read, but it moved me in ways that books with more plot have not. While addiction is central to the novel, it is not Ambers story we are here for. Frew explores the impact of addiction on family members - the frustration, the anger, the guilt of wanting to escape the drama of it all, the sheer disbelief that someone so brilliant and treasured could do this to themselves.