A REPTILE DYSFUNCTION: Night of the Jizz Lizards

by Kelvin V.A. Allison

Morse Camp in Fulmer Forest, West Sussex; the first of a new wave of American themed summer camps for children promising sun, and fun in copious amounts.
Yet as the staff prepare for their arrival, horror strikes when a new species of miniscule water borne lizards, mutated by chemicals dumped into the lake, get inside the urethra of one sex-crazed young counsellor, which then turns everyone they come into contact with into sex-crazed cannibals, unable to control their most primal of urges.
As the death toll rises, one thing is certain; Its going to get messy.

Genres: Horror

114 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 1, 2022

Reviews

[Peter Topside · Rating 3 out of 5]

So many exploding penises. I've never seen anything like it before. Well, maybe I have. But not with little lizards involved. I've had a troubled life thus far. Anyway, so the book...I appreciated what the author's intent was in making this. It's basically a splatterpunk/Friday 13th sort of mash up. It's beyond ridiculous, with tons of violence and sex and all that (Trigger warning for an attempted rape, FYI). It was written purposefully to be that way, and the author's 'quick word' at the end was hysterical. I don't think that this is for all fans of splatterpunk and retro horror, and is restricted a bit to a more specific audience. Those who enjoy Sea Caummisar and even possible Judith Sonnet would enjoy this quite a bit. I was distracted by some grammatical and formatting issues, and I just wish the story took its time a bit more, as opposed to rushing right into the glory that is grossness. I know this wasn't meant to be Shakespeare, but it could have been developed a bit more. The characters needed more background, the creatures and some of the kills could have even had some more screen time, etc. So, while it's a fun concept and works the vintage horror lever hard, I just wanted to see a bit more from it.

[Leeanne 🥀 The Book Whor3 🥀 · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was gifted this from the author, when I was unwell to raise my spirits, and boy, did it do that!!! This was a nod to the blood soaked slasher movies of the 80’s, and was so hilarious, I completely lost it at times in a fit of LOLS, nearly peeing my panties 🤣 the story takes place at a summer camp for kids, but unknown to them, a company had been dumping their failed experiment, which was a cure for men who couldn’t ejaculate, into the lake. This unfortunately infected all of the Skink, living in the lake, turning them into ravenous, homicidal creatures, who entered their human victims, killing them, or turning them into sex mad reptilians.....jizz lizards, who constantly need to ejaculate to relieve their pain!!
This was such a lot of fun, and it definitely brought me out of my slump. Bring on the sequel!!

A hilarious, face aching 5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

Holy sh*t what did I just read. Such a range of emotions 😱 🤮 🤣🤣 I either spent time reading this book disgusted or manically laughing.

Absolutely fantastic book. Don't get me wrong this is sick. But my goodness what a fun read.

I am off to read the bible or bathe in holy water or something.

[Corrina Morse · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the second I heard about this book and read the synopsis, I was so excited to read it, and I was not disappointed! This was a lot of gross, splattery fun! #gloopy

Richie and Talbot’s new money making scheme involves disposing of barrels of chemical waste, “discreetly”, into a nearby lake. A lake that is part of a new American style summer camp called MORSE CAMP! The camp itself is named after a rare type of endangered lizard that lives there, the Morse Skink! (Not only do I have a camp named after me, I have a fucking Jizz Lizard too! 😲) It turns out these lizards aren't as low on numbers as thought though….. and mixed with the chemicals in the lake……what could possibly go wrong?

This story has proper camp slasher feels, but there's not a machete in sight……just lizards, Jizz Lizards, horny, zombie, Jizz Lizards!! It's so much more than just Jizz Lizards though, it's brutal, it’s bloody, it's gross, it's sick, it's horrifying, it's depraved, it's gloopy, and it's so much fun! The way the virus is passed on is vile and unique! There is a ton of action, and an equal amount of bodily fluids! Kelvin has a great sense of humour in real life and it absolutely shines through in his writing! (For example: Meaty windscreen wipers! 😂😂) He also really makes you feel for his characters, whether that means loving or hating them!
His writing flows so well, making for a very addictive read! I didn't want it to end, is the night of the Jizz Lizards really over..?? (I am ecstatic to say, apparently not! 😉) I loved how BoH and bumlips got a mention too! 😁

I think we have a new splatter genre in the making too, forget slobbypoopoo, bring on SplatterSPUNK!

[Kate Victoria RescueandReading · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was one heck of a wild, lizardy (well amphibiany to be exact), jizzily, zombiefied story.

Honestly I don’t think there’s an easier or better way to explain what I’ve read. Umm yup.

That’s it, that’s the review.

[Shannon Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m not just saying this because I honored with the opportunity to read this book before it came out, nor because I’m still beyond excited that the author mentioned me in his Acknowledgments…

This. Was. A. Fucking. Blast.

This twisted, irreverent tale made me nostalgic for the my first foray into horror, in the form of the some serious Camp Crystal Lake vibes, with a healthy nod to my beloved SYFY movies about mega piranhas and the like (if you know me, you know all about the “Mega Piranha” reference).
I found myself cringing, smiling, holding my breath and cackling in equal measure…

What happens when medical waste is secretly dumped into the Lake at a Camp full of counselors that are, let’s say, “coming of age”?

It’s an adventure that I won’t soon forget. When this one hits the proverbial shelves in September, grab it! Hell, pre-order it… if you think you can handle it (yes, I’m daring you to take the plunge into this very special lake).

[Stephen Cooper · Rating 3 out of 5]

A fun throw-back to the slashers and video nasties of the 80s, only with super horny lizards lol. Crazy and enjoyable quick read that definitely delivers on it's odd title.

[Jessica Richardson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was truly a great book, as is every other book I have read by Kelvin. You are introduced to the Jizz Lizards and their havoc early on in the story. Counselors, teachers, college kids, and a bus driver arrive at a new camp that is infested with skinks, but they are not your average skinks. Once these suckers start getting ahold of their prey the disgusting gore fest begins. Be prepared to squirm and hold yourself everytime you see a lizard after reading this book for the rest of your life. You definitely do not want to miss out on this one! It will make you laugh, cry, gag, and possibly throw up all in just 154 pages.

[Bryan Moyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Where to begin with this one? Vile, disgusting, reprehensible, appalling are all good words. This was a perfect homage to the gritty horror films of the 80s and early nineties. The characters were over the top and thrust into extremely sick and gory situations. Throw in horny lizards, and it was a mix of good writing, nostalgia, humor, and quite a few jaw dropping moments.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a weird, gross, campy read! It was giving Sleepaway Camp meets It Follows, meets Lizards, meets Friday the 13th.

Very gross, very funny.

[Debbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was gross, disgusting, disturbing, violent and pornographic… I LOVED it!!!

[Kristen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a freaking awesome read!!! It has a very 80s Friday the 13th feel to it! When you think you have read the most craziest part, they just keep on sliding in as you turn each page!!!

This book will leave you staring into space…trying to collect your thoughts and I promise you will never look at LIZARDS, LAKES, or CAMPS the same ever again!

I was completely honored to have a chance to read this little gem! Keep it up Kelvin!!! Freaking AWESOME!!!!
xx your final girl

[Tara Losacano · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a sick and twisted tail (pun intended lol), I loved it!! This was Kelvin's first splatterpunk attempt and he wholly succeeded. This gloopy romp is full of lust, blood, and don't forget the jizz lizards!! Can't wait to read whatever Kelvin puts out next.. 4/5 gloopy skulls 💀

[Jennifer Thompson · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Must-Read for Fans of Fun and Quirky Adventures!

As a proud American mom who loves to unwind with a good book after a long day of soccer practices, bake sales, and keeping up with my Facebook friends, I have to say "A REPTILE DYSFUNCTION: Night of the Jizz Lizards" by Kelvin V.A. Allison was an absolute steamy delight!

The characters are quirky and lovable, and the plot kept me guessing and giggling all the way through. The Jizz Lizards are the kind of creatures you can't help but root for, even as they wreak havoc in the most entertaining ways. It's clear that Allison has a knack for blending humor with a dash of the unexpected.

I especially loved how the story embraced its weirdness and ran with it; what a holy read! 🙏😂 This book reminded me that it's okay to let loose and have a little fun, even if things get a bit out of hand.

If you're looking for a book that's equal parts silly and smart, with a plot that's as unpredictable as my toddler's nap schedule, "A REPTILE DYSFUNCTION: Night of the Jizz Lizards" is for you. Grab your favorite cozy blanket, a glass of wine, and get ready to laugh out loud.

Thank you, Kelvin V.A. Allison, for writing a book that's the perfect escape from my daily mom duties. I can't wait to see what crazy adventure you come up with next!

[Kat Birty · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best thing about one of my favorite writers is that Kelvin keeps you totally engaged, you can't just read a few pages, it's always "Just one more chapter". A reptile Dysfunction is a total homage to those body horrors, the 80's camp slashers, the monsters in the lake, master directors like Cronenberg, Barker and many more. Blood, gore, Jizz, pharmaceutical waste, a delicious COCKtail, or should I say lizard tails 🦎🦎🦎 I'm not gonna give anything away, but I will say if you like reading horror like I do, you must READ THIS BOOK. A solid 10 outta 10 🖤🤘

[Shaun Filion · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you had to describe this book in one word, other than gloopy, I would have to say Fun!! ! It hits hard. It hits quick. No drawn out character development chapters. Everyone gets enough of an explanation about who they are, without going overboard. Gory. Violent. And very difficult to put down. I'm sure it will definitely send a shiver down my spine next time I see a lizard or a little blue pill 😬😬😬

[Nicola · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ugh. I love it.

You need a very strong stomach for this one & there is a plethora of trigger warnings, but it had me giggling most of the way though. Also has to win an award for most disgusting book cover!
It's exactly what you'd expect it to be, a campy, extreme homage to the 80s slasher and gore cinema

[Andrea · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought it was great. So campy! Brings me back to the days of the old 80's slasher movies. It was fun, gross and nasty.
I would say the though the editing needs some work. A few times a character would be he in a sentence and the next paragraph a she or there'd be a word missing here and there.
I will definitely check out another book by this author.

[Lindsay Crook · Rating 4 out of 5]

jizzy Lizzy goodness.

This is my first book by Kelvin and what a way to pop my KVAA cherry. Many LOL moments and plenty of wtf moments too. If throw back camp slashers are your thing than this is for you. Why did I wait so long.

[Nimrod Cortés · Rating 3 out of 5]

The story is what you expect and much more. Grotesque, frenetic and visceral. However, I think I expected a little more from the plot. I will surely look for another book by the author. It is a very entertaining read.

[Charlotte Wood · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gross

This story is disgusting and I love every minute of it. I’m hoping there’s a sequel because that would just be grand.

[Danielle · Rating 2 out of 5]

There’s only so many exploding penises I can read about before getting bored…

[Mark M J Green · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'll get this bit out of the way first, just in case someone wants to waggle the finger of bias in my general direction:

Kelvin sent me an e-book of A Reptile Dysfunction whilst we chatted online. We are online buddies. We frequent the same Facebook groups and, alongside Nick Frost, Kratos from God of War and Richard from Guess Who, we were possibly created in the same cloning facility that specialised in sexy, bald, bearded dudes.

So, yeah, you could scoff and claim I have a biased opinion, but I don’t. If I didn’t like the story, I would have politely told a white lie to Kelvin by saying that I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t my type of thing, and then I wouldn’t have reviewed it.

That didn’t happen because A Reptile Dysfunction is bloody great.

Morse Camp in Fulmer Forest, West Sussex; is the first of a new wave of American-themed summer camps for children promising sun, and fun in copious amounts.
Yet as the staff prepare for their arrival, horror strikes when a new species of minuscule water-borne lizards, mutated by chemicals dumped into the lake, get inside the urethra of one sex-crazed young counsellor, which then turns everyone they come into contact with into sex-crazed cannibals, unable to control their most primal of urges.
As the death toll rises, one thing is certain; It's going to get messy.


That last line of the synopsis about the rising death toll and things getting messy isn’t there for effect, either. Nobody is safe. As someone who likes to kill off characters, Kelvin has appealed to my sensibilities with enough deaths to make George R R Martin feel like an underachiever. And as for messy - well, it gets beyond that as things get downright gloopy.

Now, if that didn’t somehow pique your interest, let me point out one more thing. It has Jizz Lizards. Say it out loud - JIZZ LIZARDS. That alone is enough to put a smile on my face, which is why I decided to type it more than once in this paragraph. It makes me think of a cheesy horror flick - probably produced by Troma.

This was my first time reading any of Kelvin’s work, and I’m eagerly looking forward to diving into his back catalogue because this was great fun. It may have been his first time writing anything that falls firmly, and gloopily, into the splatterpunk category, but it did it wonderfully, and I can’t wait to read what else he can do within other branches of horror and in genres, such as his fantasy series The Damoran Saga.

[Claire Donnelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is definitely not for the squeamish!

I absolutely loved this book! I cannot wait to get a physical copy for my bookshelf.
There isn’t a book that I have that I haven’t loved by this incredible author.

I must say… it has put me off certain things…
But honestly! What a book! What a story! The characters are ace! Except a couple that I would happily of killed off (Thank you Kelvin)

It is a must read but be warned! This book is the jizz!

[Angel · Rating 5 out of 5]

You're Gonna Wanna Read This!

I absolutely loved this book. It was a really enjoyable book and I am really glad I picked it up! Plus, the cover is just honestly the best!